96. How a Hard Grocery Trip Turned Into Regulation, Perspective and Connection

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, man. I decided to take my little one to the store with me at 6:15 a night for a quick grocery trip, and it turned into quite the practice of mindset and regulation. And it is literally the center of this episode because I believe that it has so much for us to learn from and reflect on and. And grow together with. So that is what this episode is about today. The times that you make a decision, you're with your kids, you feel like you're about to lose your freaking mind, and your whole body is just in this state of tension, and you're feeling like, what am I even supposed to do right now, Tessa? How the heck am I supposed to have this positive mindset around motherhood when my child has literally been whining for an hour and a half, complaining about seemingly everything, and now making ridiculous comments that I'm just about to go up freaking wall. Don't worry, I got you, my little guy. He. He provided the perfect circumstance, the perfect circumstance for me to do this for you. So let's just. Let's just take a moment to thank him. Before we get into that story, I've just got to say, I'm 20 weeks pregnant now, and I am doing everything that I know how to do, everything in my power. It seems to help my body. And my legs hurt so freaking bad from my varicose veins, and I'm wearing compression stockings, doing cold plunges, drinking electrolytes, making sure that I'm taking my supplements, putting my legs up against the wall several times a day, literally everything I can think of, and it still is just so painful. It's so painful. So if you have something going on that just is so painful, be it from pregnancy or postpartum or just your health in general, you're through something. I just want you to know that I'm in your corner. And when you have a mentality that helps you support yourself through it, it'll always be better than having a mentality that feels like it makes it all worse and harder. Because I can promise you right now that if I was having a victim mentality and a negative mindset about my varicose veins, I know from personal experience how much worse that makes everything. Because not only can my veins create this painful sensation that I'm experiencing, my thoughts can create a lot of like really difficult feelings for me to navigate on top of that pain. So if you're already going through something painful, just keep in mind, do you need to make it worse by creating feelings that lower your emotional state, they heighten your nervous system and make it very difficult for you to find peace and be able to rest, even when you're awake and standing and doing things. So just keep that in mind. My friends, that negativity, victim mentality, they just rarely ever make anything easier. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. They, they have a small place for us to benefit from and they're just not meant to lead the way. So that's a little pregnancy update. Still very much going through it. And over the next 20 weeks, I'm predicting my veins will do what they must and I will do what I can through it all. So back to my story. Back to my story. It is 6:15 at night. My kids are bathed. Usually around this time. We are doing a little bit of play before we start brushing teeth, reading books, and starting our bedtime routine. To hopefully have them asleep between like 7:30 and 8 is my family's ideal. And tonight, this particular night at 6:15, I was like, you know what would be great? If I could bake some blueberry lemon rolls in the morning. And in order to do that, I'm gonna need some powdered sugar for the glaze. Darn it. I'm gonna need some powdered sugar for the glaze. So my beautiful, beautiful mind and innocent intentions said, I'm gonna go to the store 6:15 so that I can get this powdered sugar and then make the wonderful sweet blueberry lemon rolls in the morning that my family will love and enjoy. And then my mind had another brilliant idea to stack right on top of that one. And it said, you know what you should do? Bring one of your kiddos with you. Use it as an opportunity to just get some one on one time with them and you know, just chat with them. Just two of you. That's always special. They always enjoy that you always enjoy that. What a chance. And I'm like, yeah, this is my chance to have a little bit of solo time with one of my boys. So I choose a boy to take with me. And he's pumped, I'm pumped. I'm like, hey, go get in the car. I'll meet you in there. Just gonna put my shoes on and that. So be it. That's the where the adventure started at 6:15 at night. And my wonderfully creative mind thought, this is gonna go great. Yep, this is going to be a great idea. Well, I certainly learned a lot. I certainly took the opportunity that I was given. And it was very different than how I envisioned it going. It was not this hold hand, skip through the aisles. We're having so much fun together. And I enjoy the little things he's saying. And he's enjoying me. Like, I don't. I don't think it was that at all. Here's what actually happened. We get in the car, we start driving. He asked me to stop and get him some pizza. I was like, well, we already had a big dinner and we can absolutely make pizza at home tomorrow. And he did not like that answer. So that started. That was the tipping point, the very tippy top of the tipping point where he just started complaining from there. I never get what I want and I can never have pizza. And it's right there. You won't get me any. And this is so, so unfair. And on and on and on and on it went. And fortunately, I live in a really small town, so in order for me to drive just about anywhere, it's no longer than 10 minutes. And I was like, you know, Marcus would be really proud of me if I finally put gas in my gas tank. So I am gonna stop and get gas at the same time. So I stopped to get gas. And he is still complaining about the pizza that I have not gotten him. Even though we've had a great big dinner. It is now approaching 6:30 at night. And that's when it dawned on me. He might be feeling tired. Yeah, Tess, this is typically the time that he's brushing his teeth and picking out his books so we can read and have, like, quiet play in his room. And you took him to the store. Wow. Let it go. And so I was able to, in those moments, find a lot of, like, rest in listening to him and validating him and hearing him and still holding my beautiful boundary there. Will make pizza at home tomorrow. And, like, being what I needed and what it seemed he needed in that moment, I Was able to hold that boundary because I still had this perspective of I can see this is hard for him. I get this. I see where he's coming from, and there are factors in here that I can consider that maybe he doesn't realize, like, it's later than normal for him and he's feeling tired, bless him. So fill up the gas tank, get in the car, and off to the store we go. Maybe, maybe at this point, I could have been like, you know, do we really need blueberry lemon sweet rolls in the morning? And if we do, do they have to have the glaze on top? Could I just go home right now, just say, this was a nice outing to the gas station? And you know what? I didn't do that. I said, let's go, Gid. Yep, we're getting in there. We're getting that powdered sugar, and it's going to be great. So we approached the store, and it's so stinking windy outside that now my son is complaining about the wind, how much he hates the wind. It's cold. He shouldn't have to walk. His legs are tired, all kinds of things. And that was just from the walk into the store. Then we get into the store, and he. And we're walking, and I'm like, hey, new surroundings, fresh start. Let's freaking go, baby. Right? Buckle up. We're here. We're doing it. And we approach the baking aisle to get the powdered sugar, and my sweet boy is still. Still complaining. Whining. The whining had really ramped up at this point about how his legs just aren't working. They feel so tired. And he doesn't want to do this. And he wants a box of cereal. Yep, he really wants a box of cereal. And I was like, you know, cereal. Maybe we'll just pick up a box of cereal while we're here. So I decide maybe against my better judgment, to get the powdered sugar and let him pick out a box of cereal, which, you know, I personally don't put things with dyes in my home. I teach my kids about dyes. And when we do have something that dyes, it is very strongly recognized that this is a treat. This is something that you can enjoy right now. And we usually like to find a better alternative for it. I just don't really believe in, like, the all or nothing. You can never have this or anything like that. I like to show my kids that there are great alternatives that taste delicious and they don't have dyes. Well, this particular evening, my happy heart was like, of course he can have a box of cereal. Let's get a treat. Maybe that will turn things around here. And while we were there, I was. I was looking at the Frosted Mini Wheats. Like, that actually sounds bomb. So I got myself some Frosted Mini Wheats, and my sweet little boy picked out Lucky Charms initially. And I said, actually, we're gonna get a special cereal that I know when we pour a bowl, you'll eat the whole thing. Because when we've gotten Lucky Charms in the past, we only eat the marshmallows. And we don't want to waste a bunch of cereal. So let's pick a different one. Well, Froot Loops was a second choice. And I'm like, you know, I could go for a bowl of Fruit Loops. Sounds great. So we get a box of Frosted Mini Wheats and Froot Loops, and then as we're walking away, his whining escalates by 10. And I'm like, how is this happening? Like, what? And it's. It's like, imagine. Seriously, just imagine a mom in a grocery store whose child is clearly just feeling very upset about being there. Loud whining, complaining, dragging their feet. Tears are involved. And just imagine that scene. That was my scene that evening. Now we're approaching 6:40. He's still going at this. And now it's like he doesn't even want to help carry one of the boxes of cereal, which is his treat. It's his treat that I'm getting him. And he doesn't think he should have to. He should have to help carry it. And I was like, all right, I see you feel tired. I see you feel upset. All of that is fine. And we're about to go home. If you want this box of cereal, I just put it down on a stack of beans that we were passing by. I said, if you want that box of cereal, you're gonna have to carry it to the checkout. If you don't want to carry it to the checkout, no worries. We'll leave it right there and we can move on. And then he decided to carry the box of cereal. And the whining escalated again by 10. And at this point, I'm honestly feeling frustrated, like I'm listening to my child complain. I get him this special. I, first of all, I freaking take him with me to the store, thinking, this is going to be great time spent together. We're both going to really enjoy it. And he has been whining and complaining the entire time. The entire freaking time. Then as we're going to the store, I'm like, you know what? Of course I'll let him get a box to special cereal. We can have a treat. Sure. And that's not good enough either. That's not good enough either. He's still whining, still complaining. And I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling my breath shorten, and I'm just noticing what's happening inside of me. Between feeling frustrated, not breathing the way that I need to be, and the one thing that helped me, I believe, just, like, keep my cool, keep my cool was that we were walking. And that's what's really cool about regulation. Like regulating your nervous system and making sure your mind and body stay connected in your pursuit to have a better mindset is movement is an excellent way to regulate your nervous system. And when you're. And when your nervous system gets dysregulated, you're not thinking rationally. You're. That logical mind is gone. It's just gone. So we need to make sure that the body has the opportunity to understand. I'm totally safe here. All is well. This is something I can handle. That's when we can get the rational mind online to say he feels tired. I've chosen to take him to the store later in the evening. This is typically a time that we are winding down. And you know what? That's been our routine that I have created. So now I'm doing something different. It feels hard for him. And, yes, this is different than I expected, and I'm sure it is for him too. And getting my rational mind back online, it was happening because I was walking the whole time. So next time you are at the store, at the park, in your car, like you were somewhere that you're starting to feel, those emotions get really heightened because there's lots of whining and complaining going on, and both expectations, yours and theirs, are not being met. Think about, how can I bring movement into this? If you're at home, dance around, walk around your kitchen, go pick something up, Let your body move. If you're someone that's like, no, it needs to be, like, intense, you can do pretty intense dancing. You actually can. You can do a really quick, like, get your heart rate up, air squats, jumping jacks, just jumping in place, like, something to help move that energy around. So continuing to walk through the store absolutely helped me stay regulated. The next thing that really helped me stay regulated was taking accountability, seeing my role in all of this. He didn't get to the store on his own. And heck, the only reason why he knows about that pizza place is because I have taken him there. Yep, I bought him pizza there before. He really likes it. So, yeah, he's just talking about what he likes. He's just saying what he wants. And the same thing with the cereal. Yes, he's complaining about a box of cereal because I said we could get one. I play a role in every single part of this circumstance. No matter how much I like it or I don't like it, I have a role. If you find yourself in a circumstance, you're in the store with your kids who are whining, complaining, and seemingly melting down the entire time. Remember how they got there. That's your role. We have a role everywhere we go. And getting into the victim mentality that this is all happening to me, my son's doing this to me at the grocery store. It doesn't help us. Just like having a victim mentality about my veins does not help me. It doesn't help me ease the pain. It doesn't help me stay proactive about what I can do with the pain. And in the grocery store, the victim mentality doesn't help me stay calm and connected and create a presence that my son can ease and soften into when he's feeling a rise in his own emotions and his expectations aren't being met and his sweet little body feels tired. It's so cool how this work works, the domino effect of it all. So, yes, I was feeling frustrated in the store, and I did another way. I had another form of regulating when I got into my car. I'm going to share that here with you because it's something so practical that you can do, and it makes an extreme difference. In the store, though, I was staying regulated because I continued to walk and my frame of mind was simply about validating him and observing me recognize what's going on with me and validate him right where he's at with those. Those sweet, big feelings of his. So we finally make it over to the checkout, and at this point, he kind of wants no part to do with anything that's going on in that moment. And I am not putting the expectation of his involvement beyond. Your box of cereal is going in its own bag, and you will carry it to the car. I will carry the other ones. And I stayed extremely patient the entire time. I truly was able to recognize what I was doing, how I was handling it, and feel proud of myself simultaneously as feeling a little bit annoyed at his behavior, a little bit frustrated that this is the way that it went. There's room for multiple feelings to coexist. So next time you're feeling frustrated or annoyed about the circumstances, what your kids are doing, that's valid. You have feelings just like them. Just remember that your capacity to experience more than one emotion is great. Meaning you can bring in feelings of pride and accomplishment and achievement and love and compassion. All of. All of those feelings can coexist with the frustration, with the annoyance, with the irritability that's there. I'm not asking you to hand select and, like, filter through and weed out these emotions that maybe aren't your favorite. That's not what I'm asking you. I'm asking you to recognize that they're there and then find ways to add in emotions that lighten the experience for you. Because if you only focus on the frustration, annoyance, and irritation, then, yeah, that's all you're going to feel. And not only is it all you're going to feel, it's all you're going to create moving forward, too. And you need to understand that when you feel annoyed, you can do something that you're like, oh, dang, I handled that really well. How are you going to feel next if now your focus has shifted from your child's behavior to your behavior, and your behavior aligns with who you want to be? Well, you're going to feel accomplished. You're going to feel like, ah, I did it. I freaking nailed that. And here's a nice reality check, too. Who we say we are. We need certain circumstances to happen in our life in order for us to even know that about ourselves in the first place. If you tell me you want to be patient, you're going to need a circumstance to come up that would prove to you that you're patient, that you're calm, that you're compassionate, engaged, interested, energetic, whoever it is you say you want to be. Any circumstance given to you could be your chance to prove to yourself that that's really who you are. And that's how I viewed this outing with my son. This is who I am. This is what I do, and I love it. And yeah, there are times that I still feel frustrated and my expectations are not met. And I can still help myself through that, too. And I see myself as bigger than any circumstance. I truly believe I am bigger than any feeling I have. Because I don't live in the victim mentality. I may catch myself there from time to time, for sure. Especially these freaking veins. They hurt. They hurt. And that pain can just, like, sweep you off your feet for a minute and get you into the ruts of the mentality. And I find myself there too. And I'm able to recognize when it's happening, understand why it's happening, and what to do about it. So when we got to the car, this was the next regulation that I did because my sweet son is now getting his. Getting into his buckles. I'm getting into the driver's seat and I'm feeling still annoyed and I'm still feeling frustrated and I'm feeling irritated. And I can see, I can literally envision my mind creating this picture of going home and telling my husband all about his behavior at the store and all about the way he was acting and how hard it was. Like my mind went there as soon as I got in the car. And I just asked myself, is that what I really want? Do I want to go home and complain about my son and our outing together? Is that what I want? It doesn't mean that I would go home and lie. I'm not going home and lying to my husband. No, I'm going home and getting him an accurate account of everything that just happened in the last 30 minutes that we were gone. And when I asked myself, what's the point? Is that what I really want? Is that what I want the discussions in my marriage to sound like? Is that what I want to hear myself saying? Is that what I want my kids to hear from me? The answer is no, I really don't. I don't want to hear myself complain. And I certainly don't want other people hearing me complain because there are other ways to communicate that the trip went differently than expected. And I can see why he did what he did and how I did what I did. And I'm so proud of myself. I want to go home and say, gosh, I really showed up. I really showed up for him as exactly the mother that I want to be. And we still had a great conversation on our way home about behavior and choices and consequences and domino effects, and we did just that. So knowing that when I got in the car, what I wanted to look like when I got home, I know I have a seven minute drive ahead of me. So how about I spend one minute right here regulating? And here's what I did to regulate. I used my breath. So I got to walk around the store that whole just over 15 minutes we were in there. And that helped me regulate a lot. And now I just needed to get in tune and connected with my breath. Here's a great breathing exercise. You can do to help regulate your nervous system and get your logical mind back online functioning with a little more rationality than it was before. It's a physiological reset breath. It's so good. You can do it seating in your car or standing, either way. So all you do is take a big inhale through your nose and fill your lungs up. Like, really feel your chest and your belly expand. And then when you get to the top of your breath, you take a sharp inhale in through your nose. Like, a really sharp inhale. And then when you exhale, you actually get your vocals involved. You exhale through your mouth and you feel that vibration in your throat so that your vocal cords are contributing, and you get to, like, hear that expression. It's. It's so wonderful. So this is what it would sound like in through your nose all the way to expand your lungs. Do this with me. Inhale, sharp, inhale at the top, and then exhale with the vocals. Like, really hear it in your throat. Do it again. Inhale all the way. Sharp. Inhale at the top. Exhale. Hear it in your throat. I literally got in my car. I did that five times. And I felt so calm, like my whole body was present, engaged, and interested in what was going to happen next and what I was going to create. I wasn't storing this tension in my shoulders where I could feel my shoulders reaching up to my ears, and this tension where I just want to, like, grip the steering wheel and press on the gas or the, like, aggression in my tone. When I was talking to my son, I knew I wanted us to have a conversation about gratitude and. And about service and about our perspective. I really wanted us to have that conversation, and I wanted to do it in a way that was well received, which my tone is going to influence the way something is received or if it's received at all. And we have experience with that, too. So I did those. Those physiological reset breaths first. I literally did five in my car. And then I backed out of my spot and started my conversation with my son, asking him what I believe to be meaningful questions that provide me with more insight, which is truly what I want, and provide him with new perspective, which is also what I want and part of what he really needs. And we ended up having a great conversation on our way home. It was quick and just what it needed to be before we went inside and had a great experience doing bedtime and doing that. It really changed the tone of everything. It allowed me to provide perspective to my son of what the rest of his evening is Going to look like if this is the behavior he. He chooses to continue with. And I didn't just paint the picture for him. I asked him questions that prompted him to paint the picture. Because now I'm regulated. I know no matter which way he decides to go, I'm going to be here anyway. I'm calm, I'm secure, I'm stable. I'm the steady constant in his life that even when we were walking out of the grocery store and he was still whining and complaining about his legs and having to carry this bag, and it's unfair and he has to carry everything, mind you, I'm literally carrying three other bags. Like, all of that being said, instead of rushing past him or away from him or keeping this pace that was hard for him to keep up with and creating distance between us, I went against what my body wanted to do because I still needed to finish regulating. I went against what I felt like doing and did what I know is right anyway, which is I put my hand on his shoulder as he's walking next to me, and I slowed down. And that allowed him to come into me, to feel me a little bit better, a little bit deeper. And he. I felt him soften, too. And we're able to just, like, have that physical experience together before we get in the car and try and have a meaningful conversation that actually does some good. So, personally, I'm grateful that it happened that way. I'm grateful I made the decision to go to the store later that evening and bring one of my kiddos along with me. And that that was the experience that we had, because I gained more out of it than if things were to have just gone perfectly easy. Maybe it wasn't perfect, maybe it wasn't easy. It was what we both needed, though. I needed to remember this is who I am as his mother. And this is the most meaningful, meaningful role of my life that's going to make the most impact in generations to come, is who I choose to be for him right now. And that matters a lot to me. And I needed to be reminded of that. And what's the best way to be reminded of that? To see our kids go through something hard and see ourselves be that calm, steady, constant in their corner, not, like, begging to get out of their corner. So if this is an episode that's really resonating with you and you're like, okay, if I were in that position, I for sure would have lost my crap. That's okay. I've lost my crap, too. I love to share experiences of what it looks like when we don't do it. So we can increase the amount of hope that we have that that's a sustainable path for us to take too. And even if it feels hard, it is in fact possible. And the victim mentality is the reason why we're not showing up as who we want to be. We're not doing what we know we're capable of because we have this victim mentality that it shouldn't be happening this way in the first place. And they're doing this to us. And then we get in the car and our mind is already predicting that we're going to go home and complain about it to our husband to try and get a little validation or maybe he's going to step in and do more to help that night. Maybe that's what you're trying to get out of it. All I know is that you can get what you need, you can get what you want without the victim mentality. Having a victim mentality about my physical health during this pregnancy is not helping me increase it. Having a victim mentality about my given position as a mother and the circumstance I find myself in doesn't help me improve it. And I want you to be able to experience that same shift mentally and physically where you can see yourself show up in a way you feel really proud of. So I created a free three day workshop for you to master your victim mentality right alongside me. This is all new material, all new workshop. I'm extremely excited about it. And you can use the link in the show notes below to save your spot for for it. It's completely free and it's something that you're going to want to be a part of. Get that workbook, be able to do the self discovery questions and just learn why you're using this in the first place and what you can be doing instead, why this is happening, why you're using it, what you can do instead. And empower yourself to see that you're just inches away from being who you want to be. And every opportunity that you need to be her is already here and it's waiting for you to take advantage of them. It's waiting for you to show up as who you want to be. So the free workshop is running from March 13th through the 15th. So 13th, 14th, 14th and 15th are three days together. And you can start signing up to join that free group right now. And I hope to see you there. This workshop is jam packed with goodness. And just imagine being in a community with other women that want this too, that are able to say, yes, I've caught myself in this victim mentality. Yes, I've noticed myself doing things I'm not proud of and I want to improve it, I want to change it. I want to change the narrative, I want to change the outcomes, I want to change the ripple effect that I'm causing. And all of that is completely possible for you. Because believe me, if I can do it, you can do it. So I'm just going to keep on being that conduit of hope for you and truly just lighting away. Lighting away. Continuing to pave sometimes what seems a dark and unknown path so that we can get to new places that we want to be on and then light that road for you to follow too. I'm really excited and I hope to see you there, my sweet, sweet friend. And I will of course talk to you real soon. Oh my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd to love, love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.