97. Ready to Stop Being Angry? Here's What I Did!

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right. Right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, man, did that title catch you a little bit. Is that why you're here? Because you are ready to stop being angry? Is that resonating with you? Maybe you're seeing yourself just completely out of alignment with who it is that you want to be, and you're raising your voice and you're feeling so frustrated. You're saying things that you wish with all your might you could take back, and you're doing things that are just like, how the freak did that just happen? How did I. How did I just do that? How did I have that aggressive behavior? Or how did I cause that tension and conflict and say that thing? How am I doing this? I am willing to bet that this one episode can create tremendous shift for you in your pursuit to stop being angry. And I'm telling you this from personal experience. I always want you to know that what I coach you through, I feel so passionate and connected to because I've been through it, too. And I've not only been where you're at, I'm now on the other side. And I just refuse to leave you on on the side that you're on. With all that anger and tension and negativity and victim mentalities and lack of healing, lack of grace, lack of light in your life. I know exactly what that feels like. And, sister, I'm just not gonna leave you there. Nope. I'm gonna keep on going. I'm gonna keep on sharing until the right message reaches you, where you're like, yes, yes, I can do this, too. So today's episode's all about for those of us that are ready to stop being angry. Here's the first and biggest thing you need to do in order to make this happen. And it's truly one of the first steps that I ever took in my journey. And it has made the most profound change for me in every single area of my life. And if I were to go back six years and knowing everything that I know now, if I were to do anything different or the same, I would make sure I did this first again. I still believe that doing this single thing first was one of the greatest gifts I've ever given myself and something worth just living by. And I think it's taken me places and just so much further than I ever knew possible because I've stayed in alignment with it. So if you're ready to stop being so dang angry, listen up, sister. I've got you. And we are moving forward. Forward. We are moving forward. I do want to let you know that the spring session for my mind body alignment 12 week coaching group opens in just a couple days on March 13th through the 23rd. You want to take advantage though of those first couple days of enrollment because I have incredible bonuses being offered this time around for those that enroll in those first few days. And, and after that time frame of the first few days, you still have bonuses. You just miss out on a couple of those really early on one. And then of course you get the entire Mind Body alignment course which is just unmatched in itself. And on that note, this spring group of 2024 is the last group that I'm running of 2024 before I have my fourth baby. We're so excited and I take a step back from coaching when I have a newborn because I have decided I can always coach. I can always coach more and do more and create more and more. This might be the last time I have a baby and this is, this is going to be one of those last experiences for me. Even if I have another baby, I'll never have this newborn and postpartum season again. So I'm taking full advantage of it. And I want to invite you to join me in this spring group because it is available to you. It will make profound changes within yourself and in your life as a whole. Being taught these skills and tools and the best news of all of it out of all the bonuses that are happening. And your opportunity to enroll right now is this is a brand new course, still the wonderful tools of Mind Body alignment and taught in the most impactful way that I've been able to this far. So the course is getting completely updated, all new video modules, all new PDF materials and we are just thrilled for the changes that it's going to bring to you and our effectiveness to be able to teach you these Tools and skills faster and more potent than ever. So I hope to see you in the spring group. I've got a link down for you below. Um, so you can check out the enrollment, know the costs, you can know what bonuses that I'm offering and the dates that I'll be running. All those details are for you below. Now let's get back into the goodness of this episode because you are ready to stop being angry. Okay, so time travel with me for a bit. Six years ago I was really starting my self discovery and healing work and I did that because I truly did not like the way I was treating my husband. I didn't want to be a wife that ignored her husband for three days at a time and then on the third day completely forget what the frick I was so upset about in the first place and feel ashamed and guilty about my behaviors over the past three days. I don't like that. I didn't want to be the wife that was just getting in her car and leaving when she felt upset because she didn't know how to communicate and have vulnerable conversations. It's like all I knew how to do was run away and shut down or, or become extremely aggressive until the other person ran away or shut down. So it was like this. When flight didn't work, I was totally in fight. And that's a real thing that we need to understand with our nervous systems. And there's so much goodness inside of there. And even when you understand your nervous system, you need to understand your mindset as well. Because your mindset can trigger and set off your nervous system just like anything else can can. And you can go all about regulating your nervous system. And until you truly change your frame of mind, you're going to keep triggering your nervous system. So just really build that understanding as you're pursuing truly feeling better each day. If you keep the same frame of mind, it does not matter how much proactive regulating self care going to bed early you do. If you are continuing to think the same things you, you have to change your perspective. And a big part of our perspective also comes down to who we believe we are. So six years ago I believed I am angry. And I and I didn't just start thinking that six years ago. That was long ingrained in me for the 12 years leading up to that. That is a long, long, long, long time. So pretty much since I was about 11 years old, I was telling myself I'm angry, I am angry, I am angry, I am angry. God took my dad from me. I am angry. And my mom married a pedophile. I am angry. Nobody cares about me. I am angry. I'm all alone. Nobody understands I have to do it all. I mean, yes, I was in extremely difficult circumstances, and they would be difficult, I believe, for just about anybody. And the way I was treating myself and the frame of mind I had at that time was a complete victim mentality. And. And more than that, I was identifying with all of my feelings so strongly that I lost sight of who I truly was. That little girl, guys, I was such a happy little girl. I love to create. I love to dance. I love to sing. I was a little kid that would grab a microphone if I walked by, like, a karaoke thing at the mall, when the mall was a big place to go, when. When I walked by a karaoke thing, I would just stand there and sing my favorite song at that karaoke machine. And I. I loved life, and I loved just being in this life and being energetic. And then I started hearing things and going through things and making choices and really feeling alone that I didn't know there was another option for a frame of mind. So I'm actually really proud of the little girl that I was and everything that I equipped myself to do in order to stay safe and get as far as I did. And then there came a point in time where I realized, you know, I'm with my husband. I'm about to have my first child. And the ways that I've learned to cope, the ways I've learned to armor up are no longer serving me. Yes, it served me for a time to flee, right, to run away from the conflict. I can distinctly remember times in my life that truly running away from the adults that were fighting around me was the safest thing for me to do. And I'm proud of myself that I did that. And I can distinctly remember times in my life where the safest thing for me to do was to fight, was to keep my voice, was to physically protect and defend myself. And I'm proud of myself for doing that. What's important that I needed to realize was, even though that's where I was for those 12 years, even though I went through all of those hard things, and they're all so valid, even though all of that is true, what's also true is I'm in a different environment now. I'm with a different person. I'm safe. I'm about to have a baby. I don't need to be doing the same things that I was doing before with other people that also didn't know how to communicate, didn't know how to stay respectful and responsible and accountable and have ownership of themselves and have those great mentalities. They didn't know how to do that either. So we all just did the best we could. And now I'm in this marriage. Do I really want to see my marriage fall apart because of my unhealthy behaviors that I invited into this marriage? They don't have to be here. There's something else I can do. And I had to get to this point of realizing, Tessa, you are the one that needs to change. You are the one inviting these behaviors, mentalities and feelings into your marriage. And if you don't do something quick, I don't know what the frick it's going to look like. And that felt terrifying because my husband is truly the greatest person that I've ever met in my entire life. He's so. He's so accepting and understanding and driven and wonderful and open minded and compassionate and soft. And sometimes it would go just directly against what I was familiar with. That, his softness, his genuine love for me that was feeling triggering because I just didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know. I didn't know what to do with someone that wanted to talk through something and not fight about it. Like, and there's still times that I catch myself, I catch myself and realize he's asking me like, tess, we're just talking about this. We're just having a conversation. Just talk to me because I will raise my voice. I will, like, have so much of this tremendous energy behind what I'm saying. And sometimes it's not even because I feel angry. It's just because I have this energy and I. And I'm expressing it this way. And it's important for me to learn how to just talk how I would normally talk about something. And I'm. That's something I'm still working on today. What I can tell you, though, is I am not angry. I am not angry by any stretch of the imagination. So how did I do that, friends? How did I go from 12 years of anger into this marriage? For the first three years of my marriage, bringing all these unhealthy perspectives and tendencies and coping strategies into the marriage to being about seven months pregnant and realizing I really need to make a change because a couple things are going to happen. One, I'm going to end up treating my son the way I'm treating my husband. And that was like just heartbreaking to me. It was completely heartbreaking. That Perspective shift changed so much for me. The second perspective shift was really asking myself, like, Tessa, if you continue on this path and treating the people in your life this way and showing up as this person, what kind of relationship are you going to have with your son when he's your age? Are you going to find yourself in the same dynamic, the same position that you're in with your mom? Or do you want something better? Do you want something more? And I knew what I've always loved about perspective and motherhood and just motherhood in general is our kids are innocent. They are just born into this world. And where it's so easy for us to look at other adults and say, you should know better. You, blah, blah, blah, you're an adult. Get it together. We look at a child and it's like, no, you're actually two days old and you're crying because you need me. You're. You're actually just communicating with me the exact way that you know how to. And you're five years old, and this is the amount of experience that you have in your life. And I'm over here 29. I have way more experience than you. So, yeah, I am a bit more accountable, a bit more response able. I'm able to respond more equipped than you are because I have more experience than you. So in motherhood, perspective is so wonderful to me because that you have that undeniable innocence working in your favor. Whereas with adults, I personally have found that it's taken me a lot longer to get to the place of understanding. They're doing the best they can, too. So when I got to the point of, okay, I'm ready to stop being so angry, what am I supposed to do? I recognized that every single day I was telling myself, I am angry. I am angry. I am angry. I am. At some point in the day, it could be over something so little or something quite big, it didn't matter. At some point in the day, every day, I was telling myself, I am angry. Now, there's truth in that I felt angry. That's absolutely true. And then there's the lie that it's who I am, that I am angry. That is the lie. That is where we go in this downward spiral. And we. And we see ourselves feeling just completely destroyed and having perspectives that are perpetuating this story that's actually hurting us and then having behaviors that completely shock ourselves. Like, I never thought I was going to be this person. I can't believe I'm treating him this way. I know he's such A great man. I know. She's such a great friend, whatever it is. So it's who you choose to say you are that's making the biggest impact on you, not the circumstances around you. It's who you see yourself as in the circumstance. And there's a big difference there. And you have to understand that any thought you allow your mind to entertain will eventually influence and become your attitude and behaviors. So if you entertain these negative thoughts, yeah, it's gonna show in your attitude and your behaviors. And there's just no denying that it's. It's silly to think our mindset, our identity, what we're choosing to think in our own mind only affects us. It truly affects every single person around us, every environment we find ourselves in, Any. Any opportunity to communicate. Are we gonna create it into conflict if we oppose? If we. If we approach conflict, Are we going to digress it into healthy communication? Because we're completely capable of doing so. It's just a matter of who you see yourself as and what type of attitude and behaviors you have conditioned yourself to have through your thoughts that you have entertained. So when I caught on to, like, oh, my gosh, every day I'm telling myself I'm angry. How the heck am I supposed to be anything different? That's the question I ask myself. How am I supposed to be anything other than who I say I am? And just sitting with that question, it was like this, aha. Softening within me. And I was able. I was able to do this one thing that helped me overcome all of that anger, that helped me see myself as different than my feelings. I made a decision, and I said, I am not angry. I am not angry anymore. No, that's not who I am. And I got really clear on who it is that I do believe I am. I thought more about that little girl, and I thought more about who I see myself as, Even if it's not exactly who I've been showing up as, just who I really know I can be. And it's right there. It's right. It's ready to come out. For this freaking anger would just move its dang anchor out of the way. This is who I would be. I know I'm energetic. I know I am creative and outgoing and loving and compassionate and excited. Excited. That's just who I am as a person. I am creative, and I am curious, and I'm interested and engaged and active, and that is who I really am. So when I got clear on who I was, it was very easy for me to acknowledge and decide, I'm not angry anymore. No, thank you. That is just not true about me. And I slowly started to unravel that big entanglement with my emotions where I allowed my identity to get intertwined with how I felt. Now, how you feel is valid, and I want you to recognize how you feel. I will be the biggest advocate of emotions that you've ever seen because they're so valuable in our life. Emotions are messengers, not leaders. You have to be the leader of yourself. You have to be the leader that decides what you're going to think. No one is coming and going to dive into your mind and change your thoughts for you. Nobody has the power, capacity to do that. You have to make that happen. You have to allow that to happen. I have no chance at changing your perspective, no matter how good I think it is or which way I share it. If you don't want it to happen, you have to untangle who it is that you believe you are from your emotions. So if you keep telling yourself every day, my friend, I am angry, how are you supposed to be something different than who it is that you believe you are? Your belief, what you see in yourself has to change first. So get clear. Who am I really? And then here's the beautiful part. You can still feel angry. There are still times that I feel angry. It happened two days ago. I felt so stinking angry two days ago. And guess what? I know that when I feel angry, I am curious. When I feel angry, I am intentional. I am wise. I am able to acknowledge other perspectives. Right? I see myself as this person that can feel angry and do things that I love and I'm proud of, and that's who you need to see yourself as, too. And it's going to start by deciding who it is that you really are. So take this step. Take out a pen and piece of paper and just write out, who am I? And I'm going to challenge you here. Don't allow a single feeling, a single emotion to have a spot in that. I am. I want you to write out characteristics. Because even if you say, well, Tessa, I really am happy, that's great. That's great, Janet. I freaking love that for you. And what's going to happen the times that you feel sad and you feel down and you feel disappointed, you feel defeated, you feel angry, which are natural human emotions. What's going to happen when you feel that way? Are you going to think you lost yourself? Are you going to think that, oh, my gosh, this isn't who I am, I'M completely out of alignment with who it is that I want to be. That's a dangerous road to go down. And we don't have to go down there if we just know who we are in our character. Know who you are in your soul, who are you really just as an individual, what makes you so unique? And then when you have a feeling, welcome it entirely. You feel excited, Great. Express that. You feel disappointed, you feel defeated, you feel angry, Amazing. Let's get to the root there. Let's figure out what's happening. Let's listen to those emotions that are coming in, those messages that are coming in from your emotions, they're so valuable. So what is the thing that I did because I was ready to stop being angry? I got clear and I decided it's never been who I really am, it's just been how I felt. And when I over identified with that and I tangled up who I am with how I feel, then I acted out in that way and I created more of it in my life. Because what are we going to create in our lives? Well, we're going to create who it is that we believe we are. So if you believe you are productive, intentional, curious, interested, engaged, active, adventurous, outgoing, you're going to create that in your life. And if you believe that you are insecure, judgmental, negative, angry, hypocritical, whoever it is that you a failure, whoever it is that you think you are, and you keep telling yourself that is what you're going to create in your life. Remember, any thoughts you choose to entertain are going to come out in your attitudes and behavior. They just are. That's the way it's going to work and we can use that to our advantage. So you're going to decide who it is that you are really. And then you're going to ask yourself, when I feel angry, what is it that this version of me does? What does this interested, introspective, compassionate, curious, creative, outgoing and adventurous woman do when she feels angry? Maybe you come up with answers like she asks great questions, she goes for a walk, she takes a nice long drink of water, she calls a friend or mentor, she goes and writes down the perspectives and maybe negative thoughts that are creating this in the first place. She communicates in a way that allows the other person to understand where she's coming from. That excludes complaining, blaming and justifying. So, so when she communicates where she's coming from, it's about where she's at, not taking this victim position of where someone else put her. Maybe she does that you are going to have tremendous answers flowing to you when you just ask yourself that question, this is who I really am and you wrote it out. What does she do when she feels angry? And if you have a hard time expressing even, gosh, feelings and emotions of gratitude, excitement, enthusiasm, those can be very difficult to express too. Especially when you've been trying to numb any of your emotions. They all become difficult. So when you get back into this alignment of just feeling your feelings and listening to the messages that they provide and staying crystal clear on who it is that you are, all feelings become easier to recognize, to feel, and to express in a way that you feel very proud of. So if you've felt like it's really hard for me to express when I feel excited, maybe your family has a trip coming up and you've been withholding and dampening down excitement and feeling like, well, if I, if I get too excited, then what if it doesn't happen? And then I'm just going to like, set myself up to feel defeated and la de da da. Well, news flash, sister. If you feel excited or not, you're probably going to feel defeated or a little bit disappointed if that trip doesn't happen. So you might as well let yourself feel excited now. You might as well let yourself imagine what it's going to be like going on this trip and just getting all of the good feelings that you can out of the moment that you're in. Because putting yourself in a negative position just in case something happens doesn't prevent anything from happening. It just rips away your opportunity to feel good in this moment happening right now. And I want you to feel good and more hap and more moments happening right now than fearing how you're going to feel three hours from now. Don't worry about that. The frick. It's not here yet. Focus on where you're at right now. Right now, in this moment, I'm with my kids and this feels good. Great. Grow that. Because it's likely that three hours from now you're going to continue being in a place that's growing that then wishing that you had something good to feel about, right? So when, if you have a hard time though expressing and feeling excitement, enthusiasm, then you can also ask the same question. This is who I am. I am compassionate, adventurous, interested, engaged. How does she express excitement? How does she express enthusiasm? And you'll write down your ideas. She does a little happy dance. She texts her best friend the good news, she calls her spouse and shares with him how she's so excited and giddy about it. And here are the things that she wants to be able to plan and what she loved to be able to do there. What are the things that she would do when she feels excited? Just as you would ask yourself the question, what are the things that she would do or think or say when she feels angry? So if you want to stop being angry, you have to make the decision that it's not who you are. It's never been who you are. It's always been a way that you feel. And if you have been perpetually feeling angry for prolonged periods of time, it is likely that there's a lot of emotions in there that at this point are very stale. They're just stale emotions that need a new perspective and an opportunity to find a way out. And if that's where you're at, where you're like Tessa, I just feel like I am at my wits end feeling this way. I want to feel something new. I want to be someone new. I want to do something new. Join me in Mind Body alignment. It is 12 weeks of coaching with me. We will go through your entire vision of your life and motherhood and yourself and your. Your identity and your mindset. And what is it that needs to be uprooted that's been causing all this destruction in the first place? Because I'm telling you, if you look at your tree feeling disappointed that it's not giving you oranges, I think we should just look at the type of tree we've planted. We planted an apple tree. An apple tree is not going to give you oranges. We need to uproot the apple tree and plant an orange tree. So if you're unhappy with, with the fruits that you've been noticing, we have to look at the seeds we've been planting and inside of Mind Body Alignment, we give you the opportunity to uproot what is no longer serving you. I told you, it served me for a while to be the one that could run from conflict, from tension, from just about anything. And it served me for a while to be the one that could fight. And it served me for a while to be the one that could punch the lowest and just get myself out of the situation. That served me for a while and I'm grateful for all that I've learned to do. And I realize now that I'm in a different. I'm in a different position. I'm in a different season of life. I'm safe and I'm supported and, and I'm valuable. And although I'VE always been valuable. I have not always felt safe and supported. So if you need a community to come into and help you realize that you are safe, you are supported, you are valuable, you will find more answers within you than you ever have before. You'll have a new vision of who it is that you are and how you think and what you want and the tools you need in order to be able to make it happen. So I know for a fact that your life will be tremendously better when you come into Mind Body Alignment and you do the work alongside us. I know that with every single ounce of me, these tools will work for you too. They've worked for me and thousands of other women, and I just know they'll work for you too. So I've got the details down below for you now. You know if you're ready to stop being angry, you have to decide that it's not who you are, it's how you feel, and then get clear on who it is that you are so you can know what it is that you're going to do when you feel angry, which is a valuable, healthy emotion that you are going to express in your life. Okay, so I adore you. I hope to see you in the Spring Mind Body Alignment Group before I have my fourth baby. Gosh, it's crazy to me that I'm already having a fourth baby. Anyways, friends, I'll talk to you real soon. Oh my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.