98. Navigating Friends Groups As You Grow And Do This Work!

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. A client of mine asked me a question that I felt was so great and relatable that I decided it needed to become a podcast episode for all of you to be able to get the golden goodness that comes with working on yourself, having an excellent frame of mind, and enriching your attitudes and behaviors towards any circumstance that you find yourself in. Because hating a circumstance doesn't make it easier or. Or even better, and it doesn't help you and equip you to show up as who you want to be in the circumstance. We actually end up doing things that we're really not proud of when we look at the circumstances in ways of how they're happening to us or they're so unfair and it shouldn't be happening. So that's why I love this work so much. And sharing it with you is you have this tremendous ability and power to show up as who you want to be, no matter what room you're in or who you're around. Which brings me to the question that my client asked me. She was asking me, tessa, I've been working so hard on myself, really working on my perspective and ensuring that I stay out of the victim mentality. This is something huge that I work on with my clients in group coaching, and it's a part of all of my courses because it's so important. So she goes on to say how she's been working so hard on her mentality to ensure that she's not spending time just sitting down and complaining about the things going on. She's trying to stay very solutions oriented and really dial in who she believes she is in the circumstance that she finds herself in. She's been working really hard and her husband's been doing this work with her, which I think is just such a cool thing when you can get your spouse to share an interest in this work to whatever level and capacity that may be. So she's telling me that she's been working so hard on herself, and these are things that matter a lot to her. And she notices a big difference in herself when she spends time around people that are complaining about things and around people that aren't. Like when her and her husband are holding themselves to higher standards and more accountable, she just feels better and lighter and more focused and secure in herself compared to when she's around people that are not doing this work. So she had asked me, she said, you know, I have this friends group that I get together with, and they are the friends group that will complain about the weather, like, oh, of course it's snowing again. And they complain a lot about their kids, and they blame their kids a lot. And they justify their behaviors because motherhood is hard. And just listening to that has gotten really hard for me. And I. I think there's at least someone here that can relate to this. And as you go through this work and you are making changes within yourself, you'll notice that when you do this work, it's really natural for your mind to see it in other people, either how they're doing it or how they could benefit from it. Now, that's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to consider how what you're learning could really serve somebody else. And you're like, oh, my gosh, I want to share this with them. I want this. I want them to have this. Their life would be so much better with it. We can believe that. Absolutely. And what I've personally found is people will only do this work when they're ready to do it. And you are far more likely to help somebody have a desire to come into this work by setting a different tone and leading by a different example, not by saying things like, oh, my gosh, all you guys ever do is complain. It's so exhausting to be around you. And I can't believe you're just sitting here blaming your kids. Like, they're the ones that pay for the TV to be on the wall, or they're the ones that put all these toys in the bedroom. And I can't believe that you're justifying your behaviors. You're the adult or, you know, whatever it is. I have never found that to be a successful approach in trying to share this work with somebody. I have found success in just living this work and modeling it. And then when somebody has a genuine desire and Interest on their own to pursue this kind of work. I love to be a resource and a light in their corner and encourage them and educate them and share what I know with them. And that's the way that I found it to be even best in my friendships as well. So the question came down to. She asked me, so, Tessa, what am I supposed to do when I'm with these friends and I'm in this friends group and they're just sitting around complaining about so many things. And I just want to cut in and say, friends, when you're complaining, you're in the victim mentality. And I just want to, like, dump all this that I've learned onto them and into them and, like, fill them up with it and. And hope that, you know, it makes a big difference for them. And I totally love where her heart is and the idea to do that. I mean, I really get it. And again, leading by example and setting a different tone works wonders to allow people to find this work in their own way and their own time. And I always tell my clients, too, and I'll tell you this, Never expect somebody else to come into this work and. And have a desire to do this faster than you did. If it took you six years of hearing about it before, you're like, okay, I'll give it a try. Don't expect anybody else to do it faster than you. Don't expect anybody else to have a desire interest to do this faster than you did. That's helped me a lot in pursuing this work, is just understanding, hey, Tessa. Yeah. You actually just sat around and thought the same freaking things and felt extremely angry for 12 years. So I can give anybody else 12 years to wait and decide for themselves. And in that meantime, I'm just going to set a different example and do the things within my control. So what do we do? That's what I wanted this episode to be about, is what do we do in these friends groups where relationships that we have, where we find that we're doing all this work on ourselves and the person we're in a relationship with. This friends group that we're a part of does not quite align with everything that we're learning. Well, first of all, you have a choice in every relationship that you show up to. You have a choice to be there. You play a role in that relationship, and nobody's making you take that role when you're like, oh, Tessa, you don't know my sister. I am forced to be in a relationship with her. No, you're not. And I really would encourage you to challenge yourself to step outside of the role of the victim and. And into something else. See what it would look like from a different perspective that you're not the victim of this relationship. And the same thing with the friends group. Don't tell me, oh, my gosh, they're the only friends in my town that I relate to. They're the only people. We live in such a small town. These are the only people that I could hang out with. Like, don't tell me that if you don't want to be friends with somebody, then you take accountability and ownership of that. Because it's not very kind to be friends with somebody just for the reasoning of saying, oh, well, there's just no one else for me to be friends with. That's not kind, that's not authentic, that's not sincere, and that's not in alignment with who you want to be. I don't think so. Just know that in any relationship you're in, you play a role. That's why you're there. So it is your role that you'll find the most power. And when you're in a relationship, we have a couple of options, right? We can say, you know, I've decided that this relationship no longer serves me. I've outgrown this relationship. And that is a totally healthy thing to do. Some relationships aren't meant to last a lifetime. They are meant to be there for a season, a period. And you guys were meant to serve each other in certain ways. And that doesn't mean that it's forever. And that's okay. It doesn't make you or the other person in the wrong or bad or anything. It's just an outgrowing of where you were at before. And that's. That's a beautiful thing. And I've had those. I've had those experiences, too. So that's one option. Maybe you've outgrown this friendship, and it's easier to just walk away from it than try to bend and shape and shift yourself to match what you need to be in order to be comfortable in that friendship. So you decide, you know, I've outgrown this relationship. Another option might look like, okay, there are relationships in our lives that, you know, it is honestly better even if we don't align with this person. Well, it's better for us to maintain a relationship than it is to try and cut this person out of our lives. And this is typically, when it comes to family members, there are oftentimes just unique family members within our within our dynamic, within our circle. And you might be the unique family member. This saying, a unique family member doesn't mean anything. It's just a way to try and paint the picture here. So there might be a family member within your circle that you're like, yeah, we just don't mesh very well. We have different beliefs, we have different desires, we have different interests. We're different in so many ways. And maybe how he or she would handle just about all the things is different than the way I would do it. Well, maybe in those relationships you're just like, yeah, walking away and cutting that person out is a. Is an option and it's a really bad one. So you own that. You just decide and declare, I'm going to stay in this relationship. There are totally relationships in my life that I have decided I'm going to stay in this relationship because I've already tried cutting people, family members out of my life. And it's. For me personally, it was extremely messy, chaotic, difficult, toxic. And it just like, stirred up so much dirt, this ongoing storm. Instead of me just learning to navigate and be who I want to be around that person, I was trying to just escape it all together. And that was honestly worse than just trying to learn how to be who I want to be around that person. So let's say there's a relationship like that where you're like, okay, I'm going to stay a part of this friends group, or I'm going to stay in a relationship with this family member and I'm going to be who I want to be when I'm around this family member. Could. Because you can be who you want to be no matter where you are or who you're with. You can do it, and it's entirely up to you. So in those relationships, here's what helps me, and this is what I advised with my client and what we had talked about is if you choose because you play a role here. So if you choose to keep your role in this relationship, then you also understand these are times when I'm in this friends group or around this family member that I am positioning myself to experience a greater challenge. I'm accepting the opportunity to stretch and grow myself and utilize more of my tools at one time in order to do that. So you can stay in this friends group and circle. And maybe they. You just know, like, okay, they really like to sit around and complain. And I would like to stay a part of this friends group. So the next time you go to the friends group, you come prepared with Questions that you want to ask everybody that would keep a more positive, centered focus within the group. Like, what are you looking forward to most when you have your kids home from school this summer? Or a man, if you could do, like one thing, or with your kids that you just think sounds so fun and there were no limits, no restrictions, no budgets, what would you do with your kids? Like, you come prepared to this friends group to ask questions that lead a conversation instead of just seeing where it goes. If you already have an idea that things are going to go pretty negatively and they're not going to be a focus that you would enjoy or a conversation that you want to entertain, or why not just try leading it? Why not come prepared with better questions that could help steer their mind in a more positive and desirable direction? You can do that too. You just have to understand that key part. I'm choosing to be here. And because I'm choosing to be here, I understand that I'm positioning myself to experience a greater challenge than if I were to just find a new friends group and associate myself with people that have similar beliefs to mine and are involved in this work alongside me and want to talk about the empowered side and the solutions and the creativity and the vision and the identity. Like, I'm, I'm choosing to be here. And maybe in time you find like, okay, now I do want to diversify my friends groups where I can keep this friend group and bring more in. And that's what I'm talking about when we can just naturally outgrow some relationships. It's not because that's a bad friends group. It's not because anything like that. It's just different interest and it's okay for you to say, hey, my interests have changed and I'm growing myself as a person. And it's really just a high value of mine that I can have conversations with people that really want to focus on solutions and they want to see their part in every circumstance that they're in. And guess what, my friend, that's not going to be for everybody. That is not how everybody wants to hang out with their friends. And you can still have remarkable friends. I would say I still have remarkable friends. And the things they call and tell me about when they get into like an argument with their spouse or something really hard happened in their life, the things that they have to say inspire me. They enlighten me. I consider it as like a dose of wisdom that was just shared with me and helps me see this bigger and better version of myself. When they call Me. And it helps me just realize, like, I want to hold myself to a higher standard. I want to see myself grow and be more like my friend. And those are the kinds of friendships that I personally want to have in my life. And it's okay for you to decide something like that, too. So if you are doing this work on yourself and you're trying really hard to, like, reel in your mindset, set a clear focus on your identity and show up to any circumstance in a way that you feel proud of and have full accountability and ownership for however it goes down and however you choose to show up. Yeah, that's just not going to be everyone's interest. It's just, let's appreciate that. Let's appreciate that we're all at different positions and seasons. And you know what? You had a season two that it was just not your interest to do that, and so have I. So we're not going to expect people to want to do this work or learn about it faster than we did. And it doesn't mean we have to just cut ties with everybody. There might be some relationships that you're like, you know, I've outgrown that one. And then there are other relationships that you're like, I still want to really be a part of this. That's excellent and amazing. And it's not happening to you. That friends group that sits around and complains that it's snowing again, they're not sitting around and doing this to you. No one's doing anything to you. They're just doing what they're doing. And then you have a thought about it. And that's why stepping outside of the victim mentality is so powerful. And when you stay in relationships like that, you are challenged and asked to grow even more and even faster. So it really is your choice here, and it can. It can be of benefit to you. It can be of benefit to you to stay in that friends group and say, okay, this is my chance to really lead a conversation in a positive direction and ask better questions that are insightful and help others gain perspectives. That's a really cool opportunity and you'll learn a lot from others. Others have really wonderful stories to share with us. So personally, that's what I was coaching my client through when it comes to the friends groups, and that's what I wanted to share with you here today, is just understand that if you choose to stay in a relationship and, you know, maybe there's some habits, behaviors, tendencies, types of conversations that go on that maybe don't entirely Align with where you're trying to get yourself. You can still, in your perspective, position it in a way where you're like, okay, I understand. I'm putting myself in an environment, in a relationship that's going to challenge me and it's going to ask me to grow and it's going to stretch me and I'm going to need to stay proactive leading up to my interactions with this person and prepared and responsive and thoughtful and those are all things that I'd like to strengthen. So right now, yeah, I can see this as beneficial to me and then I'll reevaluate and decide whenever I find that to be necessary. So if you're in those friends groups and relationships, that's what I'd advise for you, my sweet friend, is to see it as an opportunity for you to start, stretch, grow and challenge yourself to still show up as exactly who you want to be and not become like, just weighed down by what could be like the weight of all the complaining that has been going on and going home and thinking about your husband differently because they were all just sitting around blaming their husbands for different things. Like, you decided to be a difference maker in that group. So set a different tone, share a different type of energy and that's a really beautiful thing. That's a really cool, cool thing. So I'm proud of you. I'm proud of the way that you're showing up. I hope this episode and this entire show has been a benefit to you. And if so, I would greatly appreciate you leaving a little rating and review below so that I can hear from you. And you're always welcome to send me some podcast ideas for episodes that you'd like to hear about. If you have a question and you're like, oh, I would love for her to coach through this type of question on the show, just go ahead and send it to Connect. C O N N E C T MOMSET M O M S E t dot com I would really love to see your questions come in there and I'll start shaping some episodes just for you. Thanks so much for being here, my friend, and believing in this work alongside me. I love having the opportunity to see you learn and grow and I'm still so excited to see where we go next. Oh, my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the Momset PodC podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in Motherhood right alongside each other.