https://www.listennotes.com/e/54d68336a1854a198b7e5c85dbe1eec0

Who's up for some more discussion on the victim mentality? You know who is me, your girl, right here, Tessa, here I am, because I just had a major breakthrough in connecting these dots that maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention to before. I don't friggin know. I was just thinking on this though, and I just know that it is about to come in fiery hot into my coaching membership, the Moms That Care community. We're gonna be diving deep into this as we go through the victim mentality together. 'cause this is an important piece to consider when trying to overcome your victim mentality. Now, let me catch you up to speed. The victim mentality is this idea that life is happening to you. Okay? So think about your day, think about your marriage, the kids in the day, the house that you're in, and all the times that you are just walking around frustrated and with this perspective of, oh, they're doing that again, like they just did that to you. They're fighting again. Like your kids fighting each other has everything to do with you. They're just doing that because, oh my gosh, Mom's looking again. Okay, okay, this time you punch me and then I'll punch you in the stomach. And we're just going to make sure that Mom sees all of this and feels really frustrated. Like that is the, that's kind of the experience that your kids are fighting each other just to irritate you. Your husband left his clothes out on the bathroom floor instead of taking them to the laundry basket just to peek over the corner and be like, I got her again. Just really frustrated her again. Ooh, look at me go. Right? Your, oh my gosh, the raspberries grew mold in the fridge just to be that one last dagger of the day. Like of course the freaking raspberries go bad too. What else could go wrong today? The baby skips a nap, or goodness, the baby falls asleep in the carrier, in the car seat, while on the walk. I could go on and on and on. Do you want some more examples? Let's go through a few more freaking examples. Why not? Your husband gets called into work. and that's happening to you. Your in-laws come, your in-laws want to visit, spend time with the kids, be involved grandparents, check on you, and you're like, I had all these plans this weekend and now they're just here ruining them. Victim mentality, victim mentality. You're having a hard time falling asleep at night. Never mind the fact that you had too much caffeine today. You've been on your phone a crap ton. You didn't go outside, you didn't exercise, you didn't journal, you didn't do anything to really help your mind and body. And then you're sitting there frustrated that your body's taking so long to go to sleep. And of course, that's happening to you. Your body's just like, how could I really just sabotage this girl? Oh, I know. I'll stay awake. I'll struggle to sleep for like between, I don't know, let's go for like 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. tonight. That'll do it. Let me just be very clear here. No one and nothing is just out to get you in this life. If the life is not happening to you, and the longer you hold on to this freaking victim mentality, and you might feel comfortable there, You might feel innocent there, a little bit more secure there. Like it's someone else's job to swoop in, save the day, fix the problems for you. You might feel a little more comfortable there. I'm just telling you, you're absolutely miserable there. Comfortable and miserable. Like connect those dots with me. Do you feel comfortable in the mentality that you have? Because the responsibility goes to someone else. The accountability is on someone else or something else. And yet you feel completely miserable in your day. You wake up in a bad mood. You're complaining to your friends. You're blaming your kids for things. You're yelling and snapping at them way more than you'd ever like to admit. You stopped getting ready for the day. Like, you're just lounging around in these clothes that you could honestly sleep in. And then you're shocked that you don't feel very productive to take on the day. Like, look at Look at the things that are going on and tell me, are you thriving in your day or do you feel completely miserable in your day? And I'm not here to judge you. If you feel miserable in your day, I'm here to freaking help you. I want you to feel better. And I'm going to have to ruffle your feathers first. I'm not here to be your best friend. I'm not here to be your friend. I'm here to be your coach. And I don't think I'm doing a great job as a coach if you don't ever feel challenged by me. If I don't say something that gets you really thinking and taking a good long look in the mirror, at who you are because that's all you control. That's my job as your coach. You have lots of friends. You have some great best friends. You could call those friends and be like, this is going on. They're like, oh my gosh, I cannot believe he did that. Like, yeah, I know, right? And that's just not me. That's not going to be me. And you need more than that. So let me be your coach. Let me be your coach in this day, in this life, in this podcast, in the membership. Get yourself closer to me so you can start understanding and bringing home these concepts too. Now let's talk deeper about this victim mentality. Now that you know the victim mentality is this idea that life is happening to you. And I gave you tons of examples of what that looks like. Literally just waved my arms over my head because that's how many examples we went through. This idea, everything's happening to you. So if it's bad, if it's inconvenient, if it's annoying, then it happened to you and you don't have to take accountability because what the frick are you accountable to if it just happened to you? Like, then no, there's no accountability there. There's nothing for you to really do. It's someone else, it's something else. And then if it's good, here's my mind-blowing connection that I really struggled with this. And at some point along the way, working so hard on the victim mentality, I overcame it without really taking time to reflect on the process and what that meant and how I became so free. Now I get the how and I'm sharing the how with you. Because if something's bad, it happened to you, you don't take accountability. And if something's good, It happens to you and you don't get to take credit. It was just luck. And when I reflect on my life, the times that I felt uncomfortable in the good things happening in my life, and I honestly felt guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed to even create any type of idea of like, I made these things happen. I took action, I attacked my life, I decided to get up, treat myself better, become better, and handle things better. And that's why things are the way they are. I just felt so, like, and I mean, this is honestly something I still struggle with. When I really, like, take a good long look, I seriously struggle with this idea of, like, taking credit for what I've done in my life. I mean, guys, I've accomplished a lot in six years, and I don't talk about it. Have you ever noticed how, like, wow, Tessa doesn't really talk about things that she's accomplished? Like, yeah, because I feel embarrassed by it. I feel guilty about it. And there was a time that I felt ashamed by it, because it's like, oh, my gosh, like other people don't have this, other people aren't getting this. These things are still happening to other people. And it's like, holy crap, my next big step in the victim mentality is to allow myself to take credit. Because now I'm really good at taking ownership and responsibility for my life. Like nobody makes me mad, nobody makes me yell, nobody makes me stay in my pajamas, nobody makes me wake up in a bad mood, nobody makes me get up and get them in the middle of the night. Like these are all my choices and entirely in my control. So I'm awesome at taking ownership in that sense, and I really need to improve on allowing myself to also take credit. Like give credit where credit's due. Yeah, sometimes that freaking credit belongs to me. Sometimes that credit belongs to you. And I want you to be able to experience that in the same way that I'm working on it right now. So like if it was bad, it happened to you and you don't take accountability. And if it's good, it happened to you, so you don't get to take credit. It was just this strike of luck. Right? And that is so much more difficult than the bad stuff because you didn't get to see how you were the one working so hard and being intentional to make this happen in your life. Then we start to feel embarrassed and even ashamed and guilty about the good things going on in our life. And I know for a fact you're doing this too. I know for a fact when you know someone in your life is having a difficult time, you're like, oh, I don't want to post this on social media because I don't want them to see it and feel badly about the place that they're in or, Gosh, we're about to celebrate our 10-year anniversary and my friend so-and-so is getting a divorce or her husband just had an affair or they've had a lot of marital issues. Like we really shouldn't be celebrating our marriage. The frick? This is your 10-year anniversary. Excuse me? Why don't you give them something to look forward to? Why don't you give them some inspiration? The things our mind is doing is really just like, I mean, creating a miserable life. creating a miserable life for the sake of comfort. Comfort. This is where I feel comfortable because I feel innocent. And you have to just be willing to say, you know what? Turns out I'm not freaking innocent. I've made mistakes, I've made decisions, I've made choices. And if I can make decisions, mistakes, and choices, then I can also do all of those things. I can take messy action. I can make really intentional decisions. I can make very strategic choices that bring about a new wave of just thriving, thriving atmosphere and energy and relationships in my life, because you are working so hard to get where you want to go. And if you don't stop to give yourself credit for that, eventually you're going to stop pursuing it. And even if you don't stop pursuing it, you will white knuckle the victim mentality. You're white knuckling the victim mentality. So, yes, you're making all this, all these strides, this growth, this progress, and until You allow yourself to take credit for the good things happening in your life instead of it just making a stroke of freaking luck. I don't know. I don't know why these good things are happening to me. Yes, you do. It's because of who you're choosing to be. Yes, you do. And the same thing goes with the hard stuff. If you don't let yourself take the credit, then you're not going to be able to truly take the accountability, truly take that responsibility in your life to look at, crap, my husband and I are in an argument right now. And there's just no way that it's all him because it takes two to argue. Crap, I'm arguing with my kids again. There's just no way it's them, it takes two to argue. Yes, your baby wakes up and you choose to be there because you're a great mom like that. Way to freaking go. Taking credit for the good stuff means you're able to take responsibility and accountability for the hard stuff and vice versa. That's why overcoming the victim mentality is so radical in your life. It changes everything. 'Cause it's not just the hard stuff you're taking responsibility and accountability for, it's the good stuff that you're taking credit for. And you start taking credit for that good stuff, and all of a sudden you're making more of it. You're like, Ooh, speaking kindly, asking my husband open-ended questions, expressing more sincere appreciation. Wow, look how good things have gotten. You can start to connect dots. What is creating progress in my life? When you can take credit, for your part and the way you're making things better, you can do more of it. If it's just a freaking stroke of luck, what are you gonna do? Sit and hope for more luck? Pray for more luck? Like, no, that's not gonna cut it. You have to be able to connect the dots and say, it's the way I'm speaking to my husband that helps him to respond better. Who the freak's gonna respond? Like, seriously, who's gonna respond very well when they feel attacked and unappreciated and Like everything's their fricking fault. Everybody's got a capacity. Okay, I know my capacity. You probably know your capacity. Get to know other people's capacities. And I mean, we can really just look at this in terms of marriage, in terms of motherhood, in terms of home life, in terms of our community. Wherever it is that you are thinking like, oh, this is happening to me. Like think of your kids' behavior. When do you feel like the victim of their behavior? Do you feel like the victim of their behavior when, let's say you make a dinner and you're actually quite proud of this dinner, you're like, I actually worked very hard on this dinner. I did a great job. And then they're like, ah, this is so gross. I'm not eating this. You know I don't like red sauce on my pasta. It's just, ah, just that's the day in my life, friends. Seriously though, like you make this dinner and they refuse to eat it. And then you feel like the victim of their behavior. Of course they're not eating the food that I worked so hard to make. No one appreciates what I do, even when I take the time to make this dinner and I meal prep and I do all these things. What's the point? Because they're not eating it. Victim, victim, victim, victim. You are painting yourself as the victim. And on the flip side of that is, when do you handle something really well or notice positive behavior in your kids and find it difficult to give yourself a pat on the back? Like, let's say you're at a friend's house with your kids and your kids are expressing these incredible manners. They're saying please and thank you and here, I can do that for you, or they take their plate from the table take it to the sink and start rinsing it off. And your friend goes, oh my gosh, your kids are so well mannered. Like, what did you do to teach them these amazing manners? You just go, oh my gosh, I don't even know where I learned that, where they learned that from. It wasn't me. Like, you won't even take credit for the good stuff. You're just like, oh, yeah, I don't even know. I just think like they just do that. I don't know. And you feel embarrassed and you feel guilty and you feel ashamed that your kids are expressing this wonderful behavior and this beautiful example in your friend's home. And you're just looking at it as like, well, crap, I can't take the credit for that. Yeah, because you think everything in your life is happening to you. So shoot, if this is happening to you as well, and you don't know how to take accountability when the hard stuff happens, then you don't know how to take credit when the good stuff happens. That's what the victim mentality is doing to you. in your life and think of your marriage. When do you feel like the victim in your marriage? When there is an argument, do you consider it all his fault and unfair to you? This argument's happening to me. He ruined my day. Here I was about to go do something great and then he just had to freaking kill my mood. Of course he had to ruin my day. Victim, victim, victim. And when you look at that at the bigger picture, It was all unfair to you and completely his fault in that argument. When we looked at the bigger picture though, the way you were communicating, the things you were saying, all of the interactions and level of engagement that led up to that moment, you played a big fat role in that, let's just be honest. So when you change your style of communication and you speak kindly with open ended questions and sincerity and you keep your body language in a great presence with him, do you find it uncomfortable to take the credit for the positive effects that that has. If you don't take the accountability and responsibility for the hard stuff and learn to accept those healthy emotions too, you're going to have some guilt there sometimes, you're going to have some shame there sometimes, you're going to have some embarrassment there sometimes, yeah, it's going to happen. You also get to experience though, what it feels like to take credit for the good things happening. Yeah, I am the one that changed our communication style. I am the one that refused to say anything hurtful ever again. I am the one that decided that when I felt to a point of frustration that I would communicate, Hey, I can tell that I'm right on the verge of starting to say hurtful things and I love you way too much to allow myself to go there. So I'm going to take a break from this conversation. What I would love to do is readdress this when I have a clear mind after bedtime. Would you be willing to pin this conversation and then Come back to it after bedtime. I love you and I respect you way too much to let my mouth take over right now. And to say things that I know I don't mean, just for what the sake of being right. If you start freaking communicating like that, you get to take credit for it. You get to take credit and say, I did that. I did that, and it was fabulous. And wow, would you look at that flow of communication I just had? I am brilliant. When you hype yourself up, and you let yourself see like, dang, I'm getting good. I'm getting good at this. I'm getting good at navigating tantrums. I am really good at teaching my kids etiquette and manners. I am excellent at holding space for difficult emotions and creating safety that they can come just wrestle around in until they find that level place again. I am fantastic at creating the marriage that I want to experience with my spouse and leading the way, even if it takes six months for him to follow suit. I'm going to wake up, I'm going to do my morning routine, I'm going to exercise, because my husband choosing not to do those things has nothing to do with me. So I'm going to set the type of example that I want to see him take. That's the empowered mindset that comes in. You don't need someone else to change before you do. You're not sitting around twiddling your thumbs saying, well, there's nothing I can do until they decide to do something like, what the frick? You can do something right now. You're the one thinking of it. If you're the one thinking to do it, then you should be the one that goes first. And if you're listening to this podcast episode, then let me fricking tell you, you're the one that needs to go first because you're the one thinking of it. You're the one thinking about who you want to be. You're the one thinking about the mindset you want to have. You're the one thinking about the way you want to handle things, what you want to do in life, what you want to experience, and all of that. So if it's on your mind, why shouldn't you be the one to go first? If it's caught your attention, it's caught your interest, then you need to be the one to act on that, not someone else that is literally below their radar right now. And you know what? Let's just be honest. The victim mentality, everything I'm teaching you at one point in time was below my radar. And everything you're learning right now at a time was below your radar. So stop looking at everybody else like you were the last person to learn this stuff. Maybe you're the first. Okay? And just recognize it that way. You're not listening to these podcast episodes so you can go teach your spouse about it. No, you're listening to these podcast episodes so you can show up as the wife you want to be for the spouse that you want to have, even when you're going through something really freaking difficult that maybe you wouldn't choose for yourself and It's just the repercussions and consequences that have taken place given the amount of time and the behaviors and thought patterns and styles of treatment that we've had over this course of period of time. And just like in motherhood, just like in motherhood. And I'm just wanting to encourage you. If you're the one that gets to go first, you're the one that gets to set the tone. You're the one that gets to take credit. Don't you want to be able to take credit? Like, yes, my family was in a really difficult position. And then I put all this effort. into working on myself, becoming better, becoming the person that I know I want them to have, the person that I need for myself. I decided to do that first, and I gave my family an example they could follow. I gave my family opportunity. I gave them just extreme forgiveness and an empathy and compassion because gosh dang it, just two days ago, I was operating at the same level as them. I only just barely figured these things out. So if you want to be able to take credit, For the good things, you also have to take responsibility and accountability for the hard things. Because you can't have one without the other. If you're going to shut off all of the hard stuff, you're also shutting off all the good stuff. So again, let's recap. Let's put a freaking bow on this episode, clap our hands and say you're ready to go. Ready? We're going through the victim mentality. The victim mentality is a belief that life is happening to you, good or bad. And it's important to recognize it is good or bad that you're doing this. You don't know how to take credit because you don't know how to take responsibility and accountability. And you don't know how to take responsibility and accountability because you believe that it's happening to you. This is somebody else pulling the strings, doing the things. So instead, we're taking ownership for our part in something. We're choosing to view ourselves as somebody that can make a difference and an impact. Because we have made a difference in an impact. And quite frankly, it's just been negative up until now. We've made negative differences and negative impacts, and now we're ready to make empowered and positive differences and helpful impacts. So that shift in taking accountability for your part in something also allows you to take credit in your part when things go really well. And I promise you, they're going to go really well. Oh, boy, some really cool things are about to happen. You're about to reach your dreams. You're about to show up as the person you want to be. You're about to have the things that you just have been so eagerly looking forward to. All of those things are about to happen. And when they happen, I want you to be 10 steps ahead of me. It's taken me so long to be able to take credit for the good things going on in my life. The way my relationship is with my boys, I did that. The type of family dynamic that I have, I did that. The home that I'm in, I did that. The business that I have, I did that. The way that I look at myself in a mirror, I did that. The way I love myself, I did that. The way I forgive other people, the way I've forgiven myself, the way that I've healed my past childhood, I did that. And I want you to be able to look at all these amazing things in your life and say, I did that. I did that and take credit and let the tears come and let the emotions flow and realize like this is one of the coolest things I've ever done, one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, is to allow myself to make really good, helpful, beneficial, impacts and things take place in my life and you can do that right outside the victim mentality. So I freaking adore you. Remember, I have my coaching membership. If you love jamming with things on things like this with me and you need some real help working through that victim mentality, you know it's way too big to do it on your own. Join my membership group. I'm happy to meet with you every single week in there on live coaching sessions that I do. I have a phenomenal team of coaches working beside me to ensure that every post is answered, responded to our community is top notch. It's something you've never experienced before and we're really I'm really excited for the topics that we are introducing such as home, community, marriage and body, and then putting them into place with our tools that we teach you, making sure we have challenges, experts and books that we are sharing as well. This is a place that I want you to come to, to become and realize the best version of yourself, have the support that it takes to get there and recognize that it's never going to be this linear, this linear thing of growth where like we only make progress, we only make progress, it just gets better from here. Like there's going to be some down parts do. And you need to realize that in trying to do all this on your own, you don't have anyone to understand you in the low points and help you get to your feet even faster and implement things so that, again, you can be 10 steps ahead of where I was. And that's what I want for you. So join us over in the Momset membership. Our community is on fire. We have a great time over there and I'd love to see you there. Okay, friends, I'll see you later.