Mindset Shift in Motherhood w/Tessa Romero

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We are all guilty of getting into our own head and creating this negative mindset about everything. Me, for example, this morning I had to be up at 5am with my kids because lately they've just been loving that 5am hour and I just laid there and I just kept thinking, ugh, I have to make breakfast again. I'm so sick of making breakfast. I just wish somebody would make breakfast for my family. Or there are nights where I'm just so tired and exhausted and I think in my head I don't feel like reading a book to my son. I don't want to sing three songs. I don't want to cuddle. I just want to get out of there and do the dishes and rest and have time to myself. The more we say these things to ourselves, the more we become these things. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I'm doing everything by myself. Motherhood is so hard. My kids are sucking the life out of me. The more you feed your mind these things, you become these things. Having a negative mindset is different than just venting and I have my friend Tessa Romero here today to talk about mindset shifting and the power it can have on your entire life. Tessa, thank you so much for being here today. I'm seriously so excited. You have shifted my mindset in so many ways just by simply following you on social media. And I know you've blown up. You have a great audience and you are just giving so much positivity to mothers in this season of life. And I just want you to introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you and what is your role in empowering a mindset shift in motherhood.

Thank you so much for having me. I was thrilled when you reached out to have me on your podcast and I love that, like, you're doing this because it's so valuable. And yeah, my social media community is really wonderful because it's a group of women that I didn't even know existed that like, wanted to think positive too, because there was just so much negativity going around. Like, and I call it trending negativity, but people don't like that phrase so much. But that's what I call is trending activity where there's a bunch of reels made about how hard motherhood is and there's nothing we can do. We're all exhausted, we're all overwhelmed and. And I just don't think that messaging is helpful, although it can be relatable. As individuals, we decide what we relate to and I think it's really empowering for us to take that step back and instead of saying like, your content's unrelatable or oh my gosh, your been so relatable taking that step back to say, I'm relating to this and I am not relating to this. It has nothing to do with the other person. It has everything to do with me. So part of my job is shifting women's mindsets. Yes. And that's my approach on social media is just keep it simple, show people this incredible tool that we have in our mind and ability to just change the perspective. Like, especially when things are outside of your control. So circumstances are usually outside of our control. And there's so much negativity built up around these circumstances, around babies not sleeping through the night, kids not wanting what you make them tantrums at the grocery store. And we don't control those things. I'm like, let's shift the perspective to empower ourselves. And that way if you want to do something different, you'll do something different because your mind is in a different place. So that's how I run the social media side of things. Just keeping it skills and tools. And then in my actual coaching, we dive deeper into like self discovery and healing to understand where is this negative mindset coming in the first place? Why do you have all this negative self talk? What's the shame of struggling with. Because a negative mindset comes from somewhere. It doesn't just just be because you saw something on social media. Right. Like, social media is a huge influence. Don't get me wrong. But if we don't do our own work, our own Healing, we're not going to grow. We're not going to have, like, the success that a mindset can give us. So that's kind of the approach that I take.

Yeah, I love that. I actually. Episode three on my podcast, I interviewed an inner healing child, inner healing coach.

That's amazing.

Yes. And it's amazing how much inner child healing we all have to do and that we don't realize plays a huge role in how we communicate with people in our life. And especially when you become a mom, you're like, handed these humans and you have to know what to do and you have to figure it out, but really you have all these unresolved triggers of your own. So I think definitely I could see how and why mindset shifts are important. However, I think people need to realize, like, you can't. It's not a switch. You can just flip. You have to, like, do the work, right?

Absolutely. But even making the decision to do that work is mindset. Like, mindset is the first step to everything. If we're going to start a new workout routine, we have to have a mindset that says, I can start a new workout routine, I can do inner child work, I can connect with my kids or reconnect with my spouse. If our mind is saying we can't do those things, no workouts, no inner child healing, no, we're not. We're not going to change. We're going to continue doing the same things because that's what our mind says we're capable of.

So what are some things? I know you do coaching sessions and you probably have some statistics or some. I love numbers. I'm a geek about numbers, numbers and statistics. I want to know what are some benefits that you've noticed or have seen come out of changing your mindset on things. So physical or mental, anything, any benefits that really stick out to you.

So I'm not going to reference specific research, although if you are interested in, like, the science behind how powerful mindset is, look into any work done by Dr. Joe Dispenza. He doesn't necessarily emphasize mindset, but he does a lot of, like, inner healing work and the power of thought, how thoughts create feelings, and how our body gets addicted to emotions. So he's a great resource for those types of references if you're looking for it. But I've been coaching for four years, so just based off my personal experience with my clients, the type of benefits that we see is a complete change in self talk, which sounds like, okay, big deal, it's a change in self talk? No, it's a change in who you believe you are and your inner beliefs about am I exhausted, am I stressed, am I anxious or is that just how I feel? Well, if it's just how I feel, who am I really? That is a massive shift for people to make and it's your identity. So that would be really that like mental shift that benefits the emotional wellness and our physical wellness. So that's the benefit of it. You're going to communicate so much better. When you have a mindset that serves you. Sometimes the word positive mindset rubs people wrong. So let's just say a mindset that serves you. When you have a mindset that serves you, you're not going to be so reactive towards your spouse or your kids or a co worker or someone that flipped you off on the freeway. You know, like we're going to feel more in control of ourselves and be very self aware and self observant so that we're not just reacting to our circumstances all the time. And physical health. Absolutely. I mean stress itself is a fat storing hormone and it creates inflammation and inflammation is the source of all disease. Right. So when we look at that, what's really determining the state of our physical wellness and how our body feels our thoughts if we're constantly in this state of fight or flight, oh my gosh, I'm so stressed and I don't have enough time and I don't have enough resources and my body's never going to heal. We create this in our body. So physically you are going to notice tremendous improvements. Your heart's not going to race so much because your thoughts aren't saying that you're in danger and it's something you can't handle. Like if you're, if your body does have a physical response kicked into fight or flight because of a trigger, let's say you can talk yourself back down. You can find that great rest and digest. Like do something so that we're not just like sitting there with a racing heart and it feels like our throat's constricted. We don't have to do that. So really the benefits of changing your mindset are enormous. And something that Dr. Joe Dispenza references in his book, it's one of my favorite things that he talks. Well, there's a lot of favorite things in that book. But the book is called Breaking the Habit of being yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza and he says how your personal, your personality creates your personal reality. So if you change the personality, you're Going to change by default your personal reality, how you're perceiving everything. Everyone perceives things so differently. So personal reality is created by personality. Well, how do we change our personality? We change who we believe we are. We change our mindset. We start focusing on the healing work that needs to be done to break those habits of the old self. So, yeah, and your question about just benefits, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual as a whole, it starts in our thoughts for sure.

Yeah. I mean, I imagine relationships just bloom with a positive mindset, you know, and when people see you being positive and have this positive outlook on situations and.

It'S contagious, you know, it benefits marriages so much. I don't emphasize a whole lot of talk on social media about mindset and marriage. And it's honestly because there's such a net, like a deeply ingrained negative belief system around husbands not being helpful. So if I film a reel of my husband playing with my kids instead of helping me clean up something, it's viewed as this terrible thing. And I'm like, first of all, this is a 22nd reel. So everyone's just, you know, spinning this to their own perception. And what if my husband just worked 13 hours and wants an hour to play with our kids? Shouldn't I want that? Right. Doesn't that sound like a great thing to want for my kids and my family, for them to have that time with their dad? But this is personality creating personal reality. I see it as a great thing to change my mindset and to say I can communicate. I can ask my husband to do this. Instead of arguing in my mind, he should just know and I shouldn't have to ask. What kind of relationships are we going to have if our mind is constantly saying, well, they just, I shouldn't have to ask. So I'm not going to ask because I shouldn't have to. Okay, well, if you don't ask, they're not going to do it and you're going to keep feeling pissed. So what are you going to do? Like, we can have a healthy communication, we can grow closer and stronger together. But yeah, marriage is definitely a touchy topic in the mindset world.

Yeah, I imagine it is. I feel like it all, you know, goes down to communication too, in all relationships. Okay, so I'm curious, how can you identify that you are in need of a mindset shift? Like, are there like symptoms?

If you think about the process and the way that our mind and body works together, it's thoughts create feelings, but we have to remember that 95% of our mind is subconscious, so we're not always going to be aware of what we're thinking. You do get to control your conscious thoughts. You do not get to control your subconscious thoughts because those are rapid fire, taking in everything that you've consumed throughout a lifetime and blasting it at you. But you're not aware, you're not conscious of all that. That's subconscious. Now you can change your subconscious by tapping into the conscious. What are you consciously consuming? What influences are you consciously hanging around? And mindset swaps, like I share on social media, how are you consciously going to change this negative thought? It will change the subconscious. But when you're saying, like, what are some indicators that, like, hey, I need a mindset change, one, a huge one, is how you feel. A lot of people don't know what they think, but it's very clear to them how they feel. I feel stressed, I feel overwhelmed, I feel anxious, I feel depressed, I feel exhausted. Okay, well, no one else can make you feel this way. And that pisses people off. Rightfully so. Right? It's really convenient if other people could just control how we felt. That way we don't have to take responsibility for it. But it's an awful thing to believe that other people make you feel a certain way because if they can make you mad, they can keep you mad. If they make you mad, they can make you mad again. And that sounds awful. So when we change the perspective again, the mindset about it, no one can make you overwhelmed. Okay, so where is the overwhelm coming from? Your thoughts about these circumstances? We don't have to think this way about cleaning the house, right? We can talk ourselves back down, remind ourselves, hey, I can take this one step at a time. How about I just set a timer for 30 minutes and see how much I can get done. I love that idea. And speaking to yourself that way is an option, right? We can do that. So if you're feeling just out of sorts, out of alignment, unhappy this way. Now, a positive mindset is not about feeling happy all the time. I just want to throw that out there. You don't have to feel happy all the time, but it can give you great insight. Your feelings can give you great insight. They're messengers. They're not leaders, they're messengers. So if you're feeling a certain way, investigate your thoughts. Investigate what you think about your child's tantrum. What do I think about my baby not sleeping? What do I think about my 4 year old asking for a snack right when I'm supposed to Be putting him to bed. Like, we're in his room, lights are out. He's like, oh, can I have a snack? Like, what do I think about that? I don't control him. He's going to ask for a freaking snack. I control me. So if I notice a pattern happening, how about I just bring a banana in every time it's time to start reading books? That's what I started doing with my kids, because they would ask for a snack right when they laid down. I'm like, no, you can have snack while we read a book because I want you to have this if you want it. But timing is also important. So that's a really good indicator if. If you're just noticing the feelings really being strong messengers investigate them. Another great indicator that you're in need of a mindset shift is if you're arguing with reality. There's another book that I love called Loving what is by Byron. Katie. It's amazing. And she talks about arguing with reality. And it goes back to that reference that I said. When you're looking at your husband saying, you should be doing this, but you know, I shouldn't have to tell you, so I'm not going to tell you. You're arguing with reality. The reality is your husband's not doing it for whatever reason. You don't know because you're not him. And he may not even know. Right, but that's reality. Reality is he's not doing it. So what are you going to do about that? I don't encourage toxic relationships. I don't encourage disrespectful behavior. I encourage us to look at our reality for what it is and then ask ourselves, what am I going to do about it? Because if I want to change it, I have to be the one to change it. So if you're arguing with reality, he should do this. He shouldn't do this. Anyone, not just your husband, your kids, parents, neighbors, whatever. You are in need of a mindset change. Some mindset work.

Okay, so you got me with that one because. Okay, so here's a scenario for you, Tom, my husband, he. He's the dishwasher emptier in our house. It's just always been that way. He hates loading it and I hate emptying. So it's just like, it's what we do, right? There's times that he gets into this rut where he just will sit on the couch after bedtime. And our rule is typically together, we'll do some cleaning right after bedtime so we can sit down and connect. Well, he's been doing this thing. Not recently, but, like, he has done this in the past. It's like a cycle where he just won't empty the dishwasher. And I don't know what's going on in his head because he's not lazy. I know this, but I'm in my own head about it. I'm like, well, I'm not gonna say anything. Cause then he's gonna think I'm nagging, But I'm just like. And then I feed myself all this negativity about the stupid dishwasher not being emptied. And usually it always ends up in an argument or I end up emptying it. So what do you do in a situation like that when you're trying really hard to have a positive mindset? Like, for me, I'm like, he worked all day. He's tired. It's 8pm the kids are exhausting. But there's a pile of dishes that need to be loaded into the dishwasher. And I'm annoyed because I would like to get that done, but the dishes are not emptied. Yeah.

So that's super valid. This is where I would tell all women struggling with an uneven divide in the house load to their own home. Right. Everyone needs to decide in their home what works best for them. What works best for you may not work best for me or someone else. Right. But if we want to work with our spouse, we also have to meet them Right where they're at. Instead of expecting people to be where we want them to be and trying to meet them there, they're not there. So we feel really frustrated. Like, I just showed up and you're not here. Yeah. Because he's where he is and not where you think he should be. Right. But it can feel really frustrating. But you also mentioned that you have this perspective where it's like, you worked all day. I've had a busy day, you've had a busy day. And when we come back to this belief in our marriage where it's like, it's not my job to compare hardship. It's not about who has it worse, who has it harder, who does more. It's my job to help us through the hardship. So if this is something that's bothering me, I can still communicate in a kind way. We don't control all of our feelings. Right. Because subconscious mind is always going. But when you have a feeling come up, it doesn't mean you have to act on it. It doesn't mean when I feel angry, I have to yell that's not true. That's not a fact. So let's say your husband's sitting on the couch and you come in and automatic personality type of response here is, of course you're sitting on the couch when you know that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and I can't load it until you unload it. And now here we are, you get to relax and I don't. That's a story in two seconds flat in your mind. And that's why we get so worked up so quickly, is because the mind is so f. We have to be able to slow down. We have to stay present. Instead of pulling on all the past experiences of the times that he just didn't do it for whatever reason, we've got to stay present in this moment. What's going on right here? He's sitting on the couch. Maybe he forgot about unloading the dishwasher. Maybe he is struggling a lot with some negative self talk right now. Maybe he's feeling like a bad dad because he had a hard moment with the kids today. Everything that moms feel, at the end of the day, a dad can feel too. We don't know, because not only do moms sometimes suck at communicating, so do dads. So when we have two people not communicating how they feel and what they think, or being vulnerable enough to say, hey, Tom, I know you feel really tired. I do, too. Do you need me to unload the dishwasher tonight or would you be willing to come over and, like, bust this out with me? He's your partner, and I'm not perfect at this at all. But it's something that I'm consciously working on where it's like, you know, if there were a night that I just did not, and I was just struggling in my head, right. I'm struggling feeling down, whatever. And I didn't want to clean the kitchen before bed. My husband knows how much it means to me to clean the kitchen before bed. It's like a thing in our house and it is going to get done. If he noticed that I was, like, down, Yeah, I want to get up and help him, but if I am struggling with myself, how effective am I going to be getting up and helping him? You know, it is not going to work. Super awesome. So if I were having a really hard time at night, I would hope that my husband would approach it in a way where it's like, hey, do you need me to do this tonight or can we get it done together? Meet me right where I'm At. And when we look at it with that perspective, we're like, oh, my God, I would love my husband to do that for me, but we're not willing to do it for him. So how does he even know to do that? Right? How do I even know to do that?

Right?

We have to learn and grow, and leading by example is an incredible way to do that. So next time he's sitting on the couch, I. There's still that kind, respectful way that we can approach someone and say, hey, it would mean a lot to me if you could help me unload the dishwasher, and I'll clean up these toys right here until you get that done so I can load it. And chances are, like, what are the chances that he's going to pop right up and say, oh, yeah, for sure, I totally forgot, or, yeah, thanks for letting me know that you want me to do that? Like, is he going to blow up and shut down and say, you're completely unrealistic. I can't believe you're asking me to do this.

It's so interesting when you put it like that, because, you know, I practice gentle parenting. It's the same thing, right? Like, you want to talk to your partner, the way you respect your children. And when you put it like that, it just. It completely puts it in a different light, I guess. The thing is, for me, personally, I can't speak for everybody, and maybe you hear this in your groups. I get in my own head a lot, and I feel like I'm nagging. Then, like, am I being annoying that I'm asking him all the time to do this? And why should I have to always remind him? How do you nip those thoughts as they enter?

Are they facts? Do you always have to remind him to do it? Does he ever do it on his own?

No, they're not facts. And it's funny you say that. That's exactly what my therapist asked me when I. When I give her these scenarios about things. Well, is that true? Is that really what?

Is it true?

Yeah. So you're creating your own reality, essentially.

The thing is, like, if we look at our kids and say, you always fight bedtime. Is that true? Do they always fight bedtime? Have we ever had a positive experience with bedtime? Is there something that needs to change in bedtime? It's just not effective. It's valid to feel like, babe, how many times I have to remind you, I want to understand why this is so difficult for you. It's valid to feel that way because we as women we are the people that remember the things that everyone else forgets. That's who we are. And my thing is, when you know that about yourself, this is my strength. It is my strength to prioritize what other people let slip. It is my strength to remember what other people forget. That is my strength as a mother, as a wife, as a coach, as a woman. That is my strength. And not all men have that strength. I don't know how many men have that strength. Right. But when we see it as a strength, strengthen ourselves. It's so much easier to step into that strength and say, this is who I am, this is what I'm good at. And know that about yourself. But the problem is people don't know that about themselves. Right. We chalk it up to negativity. Well, everything falls on me. And it's so unfair.

Yeah. You don't see it, like, we don't see it as a strength. We see it as like a burden. Like, I'm carrying this load. But I often poll my audience on Instagram to share two to three things they appreciate about their spouse right now. And I love that because you really forget how much your partner does until you list the things off. So I think it's very important.

And even what you love about them.

Right.

Like, I love that my husband's light hearted. I love that he's playful. I love that he flirts with me every single day. What I don't love is when I'm so caught up in my own freaking head that I'm looking at flirting as him flirting with me is so inconvenient. Can he see that I'm trying to get something done right now?

What? I've been there.

Exactly. And we look at it like, well, he should just know that you're busy. And like, we're always defending this negative narrative in our mind that men are so terrible and they never help and this, that the other. And it's like, listen, women, we don't want men to be us. We want to have our strengths. Like, let us have these strengths and they have their strengths. And that's super valid. But when we have this mindset, this mentality that we're the victims, we're the victims of motherhood, our kids are doing everything to us. It's just not true. So when you're, when you're saying, like, well, what about those thoughts that are like, I always have to remind him it's not true. Why are you entertaining thoughts that aren't even true in your mind? Well, we're not Doing the self observation, the self reflection, to even understand that that thought isn't even true. Like, we're not aware of our thoughts until we're pissed, Trying to find the thought causing all this frustration. But I can't speak for every marriage, right? Because there are some unhealthy ones. And I don't want women in unhealthy marriages. Right. I want them to leave those. I want them to take care of themselves. I want them to do what's best for them. But let's think about the healthy relationship where the husband really does want to help. He really does love to try. He is trying. And this marriage is stable. It just needs some tweaks. Let's talk about that kind of marriage.

Yeah.

My husband has never once done something to intentionally piss me off. Never. But my mind says that he does. It's like, you're playing so loud with the kids right now just to irritate me. It's like, what? Why would my kids. My kids are making me so mad. Why would they want to make you mad? Does that. Does that benefit them? Why would my husband want to make me mad? Does it benefit him? No. My husband just doesn't think the same way that I think.

Yeah. So it all comes down to creating this negative space in your own head. And what if you just want to vent? Like, what if you just want. You're so annoyed. You just, like, want. I know the goal here is to not. I know the goal is to make everything a positive. Whatever. But what if you're just like, I want to vent to somebody.

So I think venting can be healthy. Totally. Like, I call it thought dumping. I was like, I just need to dump everything in my head right now because there's just. It's gone so long being unchecked, and there's so much going on, I don't even know what's true anymore. Right. I don't even know what I really believe. So I have safe people. This is what I recommend for anyone that loves to vent, that needs that. I'm totally that way, too. I am a talker. I need it. And I love to journal because, like, words matter to me. But I only do it with safe people. My sister, my older sister, and my husband are the two people that I will vent to. That's it.

Why?

Because I don't want other people looking at my brain dump, saying, oh, my God, she's just, like, really losing it. It's not even about what they think. It's just about, you know, I can't Trust you to know that this isn't me, that I just am struggling with something, and I just need to get it out and get through it and come out the other side. That's what I need. And not everyone's going to hold that kind of space, right. And I definitely don't want people saying, oh, my God, you're right. Your husband's such a dick. And, oh, my God, you're right. This is so unfair for you and your business. Like, I don't want people validating and, like, reaffirming negativity. I don't. I want them to say, tessa, is that true? Like, is it true? I need people to help ground me when I'm like, that high on my thoughts. I need that grounding. And I know it's not true for everyone for what they need, but what really helps me is just having those two safe people where I know I can say anything and I feel safe enough and vulnerable enough to check myself. So I get varicose veins, and I'm pregnant. The first time I found my. Found out about my varicose veins. I have vulva, varicosity, which is like, I. It was shocking. And I said the meanest things, venting the meanest things about my body I think I've ever said to my husband. I told him everything. And after he held space for me for 40 minutes for me to just say all the mean things about my body. I mean, just, you're never going to find me attractive, and you're not going to want to have sex with me again. I can't have more kids, and they're just so hideous. My legs are my favorite part of my body, and now I don't like any part of my body. All of these things. After I got it all out, I sat there and I was like. I literally said, that's not even true. I didn't need him to say any of it, right? I just needed him to hold the space. And a lot of people don't know how to hold space. So your safe person needs to be the person that just knows how to hold space so that you can catch yourself and say, that's not even true. My body is working really hard. Doesn't that make sense if a vein is bulging out of my leg, that it's trying really hard, not that it's not trying at all. And I was able to catch myself and reaffirm myself and validate myself and then turn it into what I needed, which was an affirmation that's now served me in this pregnancy, too, with varicose veins, it's the same circumstance that I had, but I feel completely different about it, where I'm like, my body's working really freaking hard. It's hard for my body to double its blood volume, so I get varicose veins. But having a safe person to vent to is healthy and it's fine. And it's not necessarily about making everything, turning it into a positive finding, a bright side and a silver line planning. It's just about knowing that you can help yourself. Whatever the circumstance, there's something you can do. However you feel you can help yourself feel better. That's what it's about.

Talk to me about toxic positivity. And, you know, you and I both hold a space on social media, and my, my space is very, like, raw, unfiltered. I share it all. My mindset tries to be positive and looking for the good in everything. But there are days where I'm. I don't want to hear the. It'll be okay. This is, you know, it'll be okay. Like, what? No, sometimes I just don't want to talk about it being okay.

So with toxic. I believe in toxic positivity. I do not believe all positivity is toxic. And I also believe that there has to be a counter. If there's one extreme toxic positivity, there has to be another destructive negativity. Toxic negativity. Right. But we don't talk about that now. Why don't we ever have a conversation about toxic negativity? Well, I believe it's because so many people are there. Right? But if we, we now have this language around toxic positivity, women literally tell me, well, I don't want people to say that I'm toxically positive. So I just don't know how to approach these things anymore. And I'm like, when the frick did it become so bad to say, this is something I can handle? Life is happening. Circumstances are hitting us. You know, going through a pregnancy believing that your daughter's going to have, like, medical health issues. Things are happening. We can't just lay down and say, there's nothing I can do. It's never going to get better. I'm a terrible person and nobody cares about me. I believe that's toxic negativity. That's destructive negativity. And it doesn't have to be all or nothing. It doesn't have to be. Look at all of your hardship and believe you're never going to overcome any of it. And nothing's ever Going to change or look at all the hardship and find a silver lining and a bright side to everything. We can have the middle ground where we can see something's hard and we can validate the way we feel. Gosh, this freaking sucks. And I don't want it to be this way. It is this way. And I'm going to have to find a way through. That's both. We brought it all together and we can have that. But it's not being taught, being told this is all toxic negativity. Don't do these things. I mean, toxic positive. Don't do these things. But we're not talking about what would be healthy. And I just don't think it's very helpful for people to never learn how to get to that middle ground. But I believe the biggest issue with toxic negativity, toxic positivity, both sides of it, is we're constantly seeking acceptance, validation and approval from outside sources. I don't want to say that because they're going to think that I'm super negative. If I vent, they're going to think that I'm toxically positive. I post this real. Yeah, people say that my account's toxically positive. However, I don't seek approval, acceptance and validation from them.

Right.

I don't. I don't need someone to tell me what I'm doing is torturing women and it's making everything so difficult for them because I'm not just holding space for them to feel a certain way. There are lots of accounts holding space. There are lots of accounts talking about all of the hard. We don't need another one. I don't need to be that accountant. I'll be the account that looks at all their content and says, how can I flip that? How can I show the other perspective? There's plenty of balance, but we're never going to feel like we have the balance if we don't create it within ourselves. That's the problem.

Yeah, I love that. Lots of self work. Just curious, what are some of the most common negative mindsets you see within motherhood?

Victim mentality is number one. We're victims of motherhood. Everything's happening to us. Our kids do things to us we can't do or change anything. All moms are exhausted. That is the number one negative mindset that I feel that I see. Just lack of empowerment. Totally. And then another one being just like a typical negative mindset of. Of course this happens. And personally, I know most of my negative thoughts start with of course. So when I have a Thought that starts with, of course. Of course this happened. Of course you're not listening. Whatever. I honestly laugh because I already know that it's not true. Like, I already know that it's negative and not helping, so I think it's funny, so I laugh at them. But thoughts that start with of course I can't. This always blank, right? Like, you always do. Blank. Bedtime always goes like this. Every conversation we have turns out like this. Like, just the extreme ends where. Just like with Tom, like, I always have to remind you. Is that true? No, but it sounds nice. It sounds like, you know, it paints the story of how you're feeling. But that's kind of the biggest things that I see is just a big victim mentality where we just don't allow ourselves to say, like, there's something I can do. Right. Because that sounds. That sounds really scary to feel like I'm responsible for how I think. I'm responsible for what I do. I'm responsible for how I feel. That's a lot of responsibility. And people have even told me that, like, oh, my God, that just sounds so scary to take all that responsibility. Like, well, if you don't, then other people believe that they have it, and you believe that they have it, and then you're going to constantly feel out of control with yourself. Yeah, but if we just take control of what we think, say and do, and we stop trying to control our circumstances, our kids, our spouse, the weather, the gas prices, if we stop trying to control all of the things outside of our control, and we just focus on what's in our control, what we think, say, and do, you're gonna feel free, you're gonna feel lighter. It sounds scary, but it helps tremendously. So it's kind of like. I'd say the biggest thing that I see that we first have to work through is just understanding. I've been thinking this way. I've been doing these things. Not everyone did these things to me. Yes, you've been through a lot of hard things, and that's valid. But it's still your responsibility to heal from it, even if someone hurt you, you know?

Yeah, that was actually my next question. How do you even start? Like, what. What do you. What's. Is there, like, a basic formula? And then when you start, how do you keep going? Obviously, you're human, right? Tessa, you are so positive and full of light and energy, and I love that about you. But you also admit that you have your shitty days. How do you start? How do you keep going?

So my formula when you said formula. I have a formula for my clients. It's identity plus mindset equals actions. Okay? So identity is who you believe you are. Your mindset is your daily game plan, right?

Daily.

Thoughts, perspectives, and then your actions are what you're doing. So if you're not happy with your actions, stop trying to change the actions and backtrack to who you believe you are and what you're thinking, because that by default is going to result in your actions. But so many times we skip who we believe we are and what we're thinking and we just try to focus on, okay, I'm going to implement a new routine without first understanding why the first one didn't work. I'm never going to yell at my kids. Trying to change all of our actions without first understanding why did I yell at my kids in the first place. If you don't know why you yell at your kids in the first place, how are you going to stop yelling at them? We try to avoid all this inner work and just get to the end results, right? We want to skip the messy middle. And you just can't. You can't skip the messy middle. So when we ask, where do I start? Start with who you believe you are today, right now, all of your I am statements. I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. I am frustrated. I am resentful. That is steering your identity. If that's who you believe you are, you're going to look, you're going to say, I am exhausted and I have to do this. And this is exhausting. And this is exhausting. Like, your mind is looking for it because you gave it, you gave it direction. You said, look for this. Look for exhaustion. And your mind found it. Like yesterday I was setting up all the stuff for my masterclass starting next week. And it's like a three hour process to link these things together. And I did it in December and did not enjoy the process. So my mind was using that experience of December, setting it up and how miserable that was and making a prediction, saying, this is going to be so miserable it's going to take three hours. I don't want to do this. Instead of saying, maybe it's going to be faster this time because I've done it once before. Maybe I'll be a little bit more familiar this time. I've done it once, I can do it again. That would be controlling my thoughts, which I wasn't doing. So I was sitting at my computer, like, and then I was avoiding it. I was on my phone just like sending out text messages to my clients, because I do Sundays off of social media, and I was totally avoiding it. Looking at pictures on my phone, just on my phone. And I'm like, tessa, if you just bust it out right now and get it done, you'll be done for the rest of the day. You can go do whatever you want. Just get this done. And just catching that, I was like, I'm right. I can get this done. And maybe it will. Maybe it will be easier. And then the thoughts flowed from there. But I know who I am. I'm devoted. I don't even like the word disciplined personally, because I just feel like it has so much aggression behind me all the time that I'm like. I just say devoted. I know who I am. I'm devoted. I'm energetic. I'm active. I am positive. So when anything that I'm thinking or I'm saying to myself is out of alignment from that, I'm like, let's pull in the reins, because I'm responsible for this. So who am I? Who am I being? And looking at it that way?

So, Tessa, you've really come full circle as far as explaining how to start shifting your mindset. I want to hear a little bit more about what you do in your groups and how people can find you, and why is this important, and why is it better to do it with you in a group versus trying to do it yourself?

Right? So starting with that last question, like, doing it in a group instead of on your own. I did it all on my own. That's how I got here. It was a long process, and the only reason why I did it was because I had so much at stake, where I finally understood. Like, I've been saying, these people have made me mad for 12 years. I'm gonna stay mad until I change this. And I was pregnant with my first, so I knew I couldn't be the mom I wanted to be and carry all this anger. Like, there's just no way. There's no way for them to coexist. So it came down to me working through and understanding, why am I so angry? Where is all this coming from? And that journey, going through it on my own. I'm really grateful that I had my husband to talk to, but, like, God, it would have been so nice to know the next step. It would have been so nice for someone to say, let's start with who you think you are. You know, like. And that's how I've outlined my entire program, is how I went through it myself. And I've modified it every year. So every year I work with women and I look at their needs and I modify the program to fit that. So now we talk about shame. Now we talk about self forgiveness and journaling and boundaries within the course. Because it's not just identity mindset and self love, which is where I started. Now it's identity mindset. Pump the brakes. We need to understand your shame first. And then your number, your. The way you numb and your triggers and then healing, all that. Okay, now we can look at self love, but that's kind of like my course. And what makes it so important is understanding. You will not become who you want to be. You will not have a mindset that supports you, and you will not start changing those actions. Right. Identity mindset actions until you do the work. And we want to avoid it. And it sounds so scary, but I promise you, if someone would have told me, hey, do this healing journey, and this is how you'll feel at the end. This is what you'll start saying to yourself and thinking about yourself and thinking about your life and your circumstances. I totally would have done it earlier. Yes, I would have totally done it earlier, but I didn't. I really. I had a lot of strong beliefs that needed to be dismantled and I needed to understand. Like, it's been me the whole time. It's been me responding with anger, and that's on me and taking back all that power. Like, you can't make me mad. I respond with anger. If I choose to respond with anger, that's fine too. But it's my choice. So if someone says, oh, I'm sorry I made you mad, you don't make me mad. I chose to respond with anger. There's a big difference. And just taking back that power. But that's kind of like the importance of the course. The wife, the mother, the woman that you want to be in your life is right on the other side of all this inner work to be done and understanding yourself. You got to get to know yourself right where you're at. Remember how I said, meet your husband where he's at. Don't wait for him to come where you want him to be. Like, meet him where he's at and get there together. You've got to meet yourself right where you're at and walk yourself to where you want to be. Not just like, create this vision in your mind where you're like, okay, I'm going to get here with no game plan, no direction, no work, no effort, and then be disappointed that you didn't get there, we got to do something. So that's the value behind the course, why it's so important, how it worked for me and the layout of it and then finding it. The enrollment for my course opens March 15th and I'm also doing free masterclasses in that Same Window beginning March 16, but on Instagram, Tessaromero, all of my links are there. You can see all the reels and get a feel for things. But just understand that my coaching program is not just shifting your perspective. It is healing your relationship with yourself. It is knowing who you are, building a mindset that supports you and learning the skills and tools that you need to heal your shame, to build shame resilience, to forgive yourself and have empathy for other people, which is huge for your mindset. So it all works into mindset. But I mean, my course isn't just like, hey, here's a scenario. How are you going to think about it next time?

How often do you do these courses? Because this episode is launching after the 15th, so I just want to make sure people know.

Yeah. So this year, because I'm having a baby in July, this March is my last enrollment for it for this specific course, I am going to be releasing a few different mindset courses that are self guided after this baby's born. That's kind of like a surprise that I have in the works. And then I will be running this course in a group setting again January of 2023. So it'd be about several months later. But this is my first time ever taking time off when having a baby. So I'm just like, I'm just so grateful that I'm finally at a point in my life where I have that option because I didn't have that option with my first two. So I'm going to see what it's like to have a. I don't even know, a postpartum that I'm not working. Yeah.

Oh, that's good. That's awesome. To self care. So happy to hear that you're gonna do that. And Tessa, I appreciate you so much for joining me here today and I'm sure my listeners have learned a ton. I know I have in just short time here and I will make sure to link everything at the bottom for everybody to find you. And again, thank you so much for being here today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure you subscribe and leave me a review and make sure to follow me on social media, Alcanina and mamaknowspodcast on Instagram. Thank you for listening and let's chat soon.

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