A parent explains how to raise kids without shame around sexuality. The first tip: model consensual affection with your partner, stay neutral when kids see it in media, and talk openly with older kids about physical attraction and what excitement feels like.
Chapters
So you wanna create a SMEX-positive household for your children, but you just don't really know where to start. Well, it's perfect, you came to the right place. This is video number 1 on my series of how to create a SMEX-positive environment for your children. When we're talking about a SMEX-positive household, we're not here to promote premature sexual behavior in children, not at all. That's not what we're about. What we're actually about is removing shame from the conversation about SMEX. Because if you think about it, so many of our issues surrounding sexuality today come from these deep-rooted feelings of shame that we have. So let's get into tip number 1, engaging positively with physical acts of love and affection. There's kind of 3 main ways that I believe that we can do this. First and foremost, show affection to your partner in front of your kids. Very often, because we have our own internalized feelings of shame around our sexuality and we think that it's inappropriate, we try to hide physical affection from our children. And no, I'm not talking about full-on smex, but what I am talking about is kissing, Hugging and holding, cuddling, and yes, even a little bit of a spank or a grope, as long as it's clear that both parties are consenting adults and that they're both very enthusiastic about that interaction. Secondly, check how you're reacting to physical acts of love and affection on TV and movies or in public. If you're watching a movie where a prince kisses a princess and because your kid is there you go, oh, ew, gross, they're kissing, just as a joke— which I don't shame you for this, this is something that many of us grew up with— however, think about where that's coming from and why you're doing it. This really just amplifies the feelings of shame and disgust that kids internalize when they start engaging in those behaviors. And we really want to steer away from the idea that this is gross and abnormal and steer more toward the concept of this is normal human behavior and it's something that we all desire. Lastly, as your child starts to get older, you really want to engage with them conversationally in a really excited and happy way when discussing age-appropriate physical connection. For example, if your child is starting to get older and maybe you've noticed that they've been talking about or seeming like they want to hold hands with other kids or kiss other kids, it's really important for you to shy away from viewing those things as bad or negative. What we really want to do here is reiterate that those experiences are normal, and even the desire to have those experiences are normal. The best way to do this is to relate it back to yourself. If your child seems to be around the age where they want to hold hands or kiss, you can express your first time having a kiss or holding hands and view it in a positive light. For example, you could say, oh, I remember my first kiss. Kiss. It was so amazing. I had these butterflies and like my palms were really sweaty. I was so nervous. I thought that this person was just the cutest person ever. And I just think that it's so exciting that you're going through that same phase now. What these kinds of conversations do first and foremost is they open up the door for your child to have conversations with you about their experiences. And then it also helps to reaffirm your child that the butterflies and the nervousness and the sweaty palms and the excitement are all a normal part of the human experience. And they're not weird or gross for having those feelings. And that is it for tip number 1. If you any questions, feel free to put them in the comment section and stay tuned for part 2.
