Sex educator Angel Ardito explains that mismatched libidos don't doom relationships. The real problem is the push-pull cycle: high-desire partners feel rejected and push harder, low-desire partners feel pressured and withdraw. She gives each side concrete moves: high-desire partners offer non-sexual touch and permission to change their mind; low-desire partners stretch their comfort zone and share what actually turns them on.
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Mismatched libidos is not the relationship ender that we make it out to be. And before I jump into it, hi, my name is Angel Ardito. I'm a sex educator and relationship coach, and I'm here to make your day a little more spicy. First and foremost, I just want to say it's incredibly unrealistic to get with someone and expect that today until the end of time, you're always going to want it at the exact same time, at the exact same frequency, and with the exact same amount of gumption. And it's not the fact that you have mismatched libidos that will drive you and your partner away. It's what you do with that information that determines if the two of you can stay together for the long People who have a higher desire, they tend to feel rejected. They feel undesirable. They feel unwanted. They feel ugly, like all of these different things. And then when they internalize these feelings of rejection and inadequacy, what they do with that, depending on what kind of attachment style they have, is a lot of them can get avoidant and just avoid the conversation altogether, or they push harder and harder and harder in hopes that their partner will suddenly become receptive and want it as much as they do. The person with the lower desire tends to feel incredible amounts of pressure and shame about themselves For not wanting it as much as they quote-unquote should want it. When you add this pressure and the shame altogether, it's like this little concoction that actually makes the situation much worse and subconsciously makes them want to engage even less than they already want to engage. This turns into a perpetual cycle, a push and pull where both partners want to be deeply connected to each other, but it's just not happening for them, and they're falling into patterns that are pushing them further and further apart. Again, not because of the mismatched libido, but because of how they're handling it. I have many, many recommendations, but as far as what I can fit into a short little video. I'm just going to give you a couple for now. First, if you're the high desire partner, I highly recommend practicing giving your lower desire partner physical touch when you're not just initiating couples yoga. I also recommend openly verbally telling them that they have free will to change their mind at any time. So if you're in the mood and you, you're not sure if your partner is, you can say, hey, lower desire partner, I am in the mood and I understand that you might not be, but I'm hoping that you might be open and receptive to allowing me to try to get you in the mood. And if you don't get in the mood, that's okay. Now, as the lower desire partner, it's really, really important for you to find ways that you can comfortably push yourself out of your comfort zone. I'm not saying do things that you absolutely are against doing or doing things because you feel like you should, but perhaps just telling your partner like, hey, I'm not in the mood, but I'm willing to be there with you and for you, if you know what I mean, so that we can feel a little more connected to each other. Also, as the lower desire partner, figuring out what really does make you feel turned on and ready to go in the moment, what you like, what you don't like, and then communicating that respectfully to your higher desire partner so that they can help and accommodate that. There are a million other tips and tricks and things that I could say about this subject, but unfortunately this video is getting long as it is, so I'm going to have to post one to my subscriber only. If you have any questions, go ahead and put them in the comment section down below and I'll answer as quickly as I possibly can. But until next time, communicate with your partners and stay spicy.
