Angel Ardito argues that parents avoid sex talks because of internalized shame, not because conversation causes early sexual activity. Kids left uninformed seek answers online and become vulnerable to misinformation. She urges parents to work through their own guilt first, then have age-appropriate conversations about consent and bodies.
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Why do parents freak the fuck out when it comes to talking to their kids about sex? And before we get into it, if you're new here, my name is Angel Ardito and I am your online spicy coach. I like to talk about all things sex and relationships, so if you're on board for those conversations, go ahead and give me a follow and we can continue. One of the biggest myths that I hear regularly is that talking about sex actually makes your kids want to engage in it even more, and that we shouldn't be having conversations about consent and sex with our children from young ages. But the truth is that that's just not how it works. If that's how the world worked, then I would be a financial genius already because I took a math class when I was in high school. Learning about something doesn't automatically make you want to do that thing, and avoiding these conversations doesn't make your children more innocent. It actually makes them clueless. I just don't know. I don't really want to talk to him about it yet. He's only 7. She's only 7. Do I 'You really need to be having these conversations.' Yes, you do, because if your kid is clueless, they're going to wind up sneaking around and telling you lies and getting their information online and perhaps even find themselves in situations that they're just not prepared for. See, what I hear is that parents believe that they're protecting their kids' innocence, but that's not really what it is. What parents are protecting is their own discomfort. The majority of the time, it's not even about the kid, it's about the parent being embarrassed or uncomfortable. And the reason that so many of these parents are uncomfortable, I personally believe, is because they grew up— and we kind of grew up in a culture that shames sex and sexuality. And especially if you grew up religious, you grew up with this rhetoric that sex was dirty and shameful and not to be talked about until you're married. And then when you're married, you're just kind of expected to know what to do. And on top of that, you're just supposed to be able to like shed all of this guilt and shame that you feel around sex because you have a ring on your finger. Like since puberty, you've felt shame and guilt about sex and now suddenly it's okay and you should be doing it and you should know how to do it and you should know what to do. And sadly, so many of us have internalized those feelings of shame and guilt, and then we just wind up kind of reflecting that onto our kids because we don't know how to handle it or what to do with it. We were shut down from communicating about sex when we were kids, and so we turn around and we shut down our own children when they start to get curious. But the thing is that being silent about sex, it doesn't protect our kids. It doesn't protect their innocence. It doesn't protect their safety. It doesn't protect their well-being emotionally or physically. And in fact, it actually hurts our children. It tells them that their curiosity is dangerous, that their questions are inappropriate, that their body is something to be hidden away. And then we also turn around and we wonder why adults can't talk about what they like to do in the bedroom even with their most intimate partners. We wonder why so many people are still misinformed about consent. And we wonder why so many people have no concept of boundaries, sexually or otherwise. It's all related and it all starts right here with this conversation. Like, how many of you experienced having the talk when you were like teenagers? Like well past when you already should have known about sex and had these conversations. I feel like this is kind of the concept of like what our parents did to us when we were kids, which is they had one big conversation about sex with us and then never again. And not only was it just one singular conversation, but it was also a severely uncomfortable conversation. And it wasn't that we inherently felt that it was uncomfortable because of the topic. That's not the case at all. We felt that it was uncomfortable because we could feel the shame and the discomfort literally radiating off of our parents, and we could tell that they would rather be anywhere other than here talking to us about sex. I know that there are probably some people who are really lucky who had parents that were open and respectful and talked about all of these things, but the vast majority of us did not have that. And it's also not our parents' fault because our parents didn't have that either. And it can be really hard to move through that shame to do something better for your kids when you don't even know where to start. So if you have kids, or you're considering having kids, or you're expecting kids, or one day you want kids, I really, really urge you to look inward and do the work to release some of that shame and that negativity and that discomfort around sex. Because your children or your future children are going to need you to be there for them, to guide them through building secure and healthy concepts of sex and sexuality. When you as a parent normalize the conversation about consent, boundaries, and sex with your children, then your kids grow up knowing that their body is not shameful. They're free to learn the actual words for body parts instead of like code words that could put them at risk. And most importantly, they know how to and feel safe bringing up questions, and they know that they're not going to get shut down when they do so. It's incredibly important for kids to learn about consent and boundaries, and especially to learn how to say no, and that they have the right to say no to anything involving their own body. It's important that they're not piecing these things together through internet searches and TikTok videos without their own parents' input and guidance. They need their parent to be present and to guide them through this phase of their life. And the The first step to having these conversations with our kids really starts with us. We need to be willing to go through therapy or do whatever it takes to work through this internal shame or guilt that we have from our own childhoods. And it's not fair to our kids that they have to suffer from a lack of knowledge, which puts them at risk, just because we weren't willing to do the work. So yeah, that's pretty much it. Parents who are freaking out about talking to their kids about sex are not preserving innocence or anything like that. All they're doing is avoiding their own discomfort and passing down their shame about sex onto the next generation. So please, I am begging you guys, stop treating sex like Voldemort, he who should not be named. Have the damn conversation with your kids. And if you don't know where to start, please let me know because I'm more than happy to post some content to help guide you guys through those conversations with your children. And no matter what you decide to do, do not let shame about sex rule you and how you decide to raise your kids. So yeah, I didn't really plan on making this video today, but I sat down and I saw this post on Facebook and I was like, you know what, this needs to be said because I'm so sick and tired. I'm so sick and tired of people saying that they just want to preserve their kids' innocence a little bit longer. There are age-appropriate ways to talk about anything related to sex and consent and boundaries, and these are really important conversations to be having. We can't be ignoring this. Feel free to let me know in the comments if you disagree or if you agree with me. Either way, I really, really appreciate you for being here and for watching this video. And until next time, stay spicy.
