Conversations With Stephanie Part 3: Consciousness and Psychadelics as Spiritual Medicine

All right, Steph, you're back.

I'm back.

So tell me, um, from the dead, from the dead.

I'm still dead.

Still dead.

Yes, but I'm alive at this.

But that's a whole— that's like a big conversation.

Yeah, because I exist and don't exist at the same time, and I'm hallucinating you.

And that's the matrix.

And that's exactly— that is the matrix.

And we're going to have to talk about that. What that—

collectively hallucinating.

So we're going to have to talk about that. What does that mean? Most of us don't know. I'm still not sure.

You're still not sure. Neither am I. You can't be sure about anything. And that's when you say that that is the truth and I am right and all of that. That means there's an ego present.

Okay.

That means that the ego is present of thinking of I, I, I, me, me, me. When there is no I, it's only an illusion of the self. There's only collective consciousness and it's infinite reincarnations of the source all living at the same time. So for example, I already lived through you and you already lived through me and I'm talking at it from a point of God consciousness and this consciousness is who we are. That's, I mean, it's the best way that I can explain it. Now there's a difference between having that knowledge and that experience. I mean, I'm sorry, it's a difference between having that knowledge and that information than to actually come into the aha, the epiphany, the awareness of it, of being like, okay, now I understand. And the only way that you can understand that is through getting to very high levels of consciousness. And the way that I would recommend to do it for starters is through meditation. And when I say meditation is a lot of people go into meditation with one goal in mind. And this goal is usually on saying, for example, I want to find the solution to this answer. I want to get to know a little bit more about myself. I want to raise my energy. I want to raise my chakras. However, when you truly get into enlightenment, what you want to achieve— I, and we'll get into that a little bit later, but I've reached the point, especially last year, where when I meditated automatically, boom, I went into no thought. No sound, no thought, no nothing. I don't know if you've ever reached that point in meditation.

You have actually, I mean, I would, for myself personally, I think I'm actually, and you can tell me if I'm wrong or what you think, but I tell people a lot of time, I actually don't think very I don't want to use the word present. Like, it's not— I'm just like, I'm okay with what's happening now. So I'm not like thinking all these thoughts trying to get away from it now.

And yeah, just really quick before you continue, were you always like that?

No, definitely not. And I did— I do— I still do meditate sometimes. I used to meditate a lot, but I'd say just naturally now I am very thoughtless. Unless I'm like strategizing, you know what I mean? Like if it's like something for business, then I'm like, okay, I need to think.

So now your mind is not using you. You are using your mind.

Yeah. Yes. Yep. I like, I like that.

There's a quote right there.

Yes.

Yes. So tweet that. Yeah. Um, so precisely, and I got into that state last year.

Okay.

Um, I've been meditating for 2 years roughly. Um, I would say, yeah, like 2 years to 2 and a half.

Okay.

Um, and I got to the point where as soon as I would fall asleep or not, sorry, not fall asleep. Well, it is, you're not really consciously awake, but you are.

Yeah.

Uh, whenever I would meditate, I would automatically boom, not have a single thought. Now what happens to each person is very different. Like for example, my mind is very overactive. It is very artistic. I'm usually with a lot of influx of thoughts and creation, and, you know, it's very hard for me to quiet my mind. And when I was able to do that, where I continuously meditated, you know, it was bliss, but at the same time it was a curse because the creative flow wasn't going through that much. I said to myself, I'm like, I'm here in the moment, but I'm brain dead. Like I'm not like, I'm just at peace. And that to me just felt very unnatural to how I usually am as a natural person, because for who I am, usually I have thoughts coming in from all directions and their thoughts that are, I want to say, I don't like the word channeled, but at the same time, I feel that they don't come from myself. They come from a higher realm. But at the same time, I'm one with everyone and everything. So even if it is another person, even if it is a scientist or a mathematician, or if it's somebody that is very wise, or if it's a family member, or if it's just a regular person in society that passed on, or if it's also somebody that's meditating at the same time and they're in that realm, who knows? I cannot say it for sure. I say that I hear voices inside my head. But those voices, it's— many people would say that's schizophrenic. And I wouldn't say schizophrenic to the point of saying like, oh my God, these voices are going to kill me. They're telling me to go shoot myself or anything of that. There are more voices that I've channeled now into creativity and into characters and into information and channeling out creative-wise. But, you know, it's very hard for me to get to that point, and I've— it's been very hard lately. And that's— you asked how my month has been?

Yeah, yeah, so tell us about the last couple weeks, 4 weeks, 1 month. Tell us. Hit us with the juice.

We're gonna have to edit that like piece out.

No, it's gotta stay.

Okay, so In the past month. Yeah, you know, as soon as, you know, when, whenever, I don't know if you've ever, when you started actually saying, I'm done with school and you walked out of university and you said, and you said to yourself, like, this is not what I feel is correct. Well, for you it was a choice, but you chose that. Okay. For me, I got expelled from my first university. Yeah. I was very bad. I was connected to various dimensions at once and I faked documents. And yeah, listen, everything happens for a reason. And there's always, if you're, if you, if you're extremely spiritual, or I don't want to say extremely, but if you get into the spiritual side of life, it's usually because you have a dark past.

Hmm. Okay. Interesting. Maybe explain that a little bit.

Every sinner has a past.

Okay.

So a lot of people, they didn't think at all. And you know, lately they've been getting sent to me to remind me. Because lately it hasn't been easy for me. And that is something that I will get a little bit more in depth into very soon. But a lot of people have come up to me and yesterday, especially my brother, I haven't seen him in a while and he was over and he said stuff. Because I said I quit coffee and now my addiction turned into food. And he's like, Stephanie, listen, from everything that you went through, you know, like you Even if you had an addiction for food, let it be. And I'm like, yeah, but that's not right. That's not right because when you have an addiction, that's when you feel there's a hole inside you and you need to feed it. You need to like, you know, you're never at peace with yourself. You never feel complete. That's why you look for external substances of matter to fill an internal void, but that void you create for yourself.

Yeah.

And you know, that's what a lot of people don't realize. So a lot of people, even my cousin, she's like, Steph, it's okay, you know, like I quit weed and like now like, you know, "the world was really black and white, and now, you know, I smoke weed every day and that's fine." And I just think to myself, and it's like, yes, it's okay for these people, but I guess I'm just very extremist, where for me it's like all or nothing. So if, for example, I were to smoke once in a while, for me, I have an addictive personality, so it would turn into, I wouldn't even be able, I wouldn't want to get out of bed, I wouldn't want to do anything. So when an addiction actually takes over your life, that is when it becomes very dangerous. And, um, and so my brother was like, Steph, it's okay. You have some addiction. It's, it's okay. Food addiction. It's fine. And I'm like, no, it isn't. It isn't. Because every single time you have an addiction, that means that you are never at peace with yourself. And if you truly want to get into enlightenment, you do want to take all your desires out. But you know, where's, where's the balance in it? You know, is enlightenment really enlightenment?

Let's actually dive deep into that. So I was actually listening to, uh, forget, I think it was Alan Watts recently.

You love Alan Watts. I do.

And he was saying, he was saying, if you can, you should try to remove your sexual desires. What are your thoughts on that?

Well, I'll go right off the bat and say, um, I had sexual trauma that I'm still working through. So for me, it's, it's, it's not, I'm the opposite. So I really, that desire, it's, I know it's there and it's, but for me, I don't have the desire. Is that even, I don't know if that, well, explain a little bit. I don't know even how to explain that.

So it's like, we, he kind of says like we're a slave to a few desires, right? Like, Like, and food is not necessarily— it is a desire, but we do need it to live, right? Water, we need it to live, but sometimes we desire it when we don't necessarily need it. But like sex, do we need it to live, or is it— I mean, we need it to procreate, right? So it's, it's, it's needed. But for what a lot of us use it for in today's world is just pleasure only, you know. So like when he said, he's like, if you can rid yourself of that desire, then you're not a slave to it. And then, you know what I'm saying? So what, like, and I think that it's, yeah, what are your thoughts?

It's a desire to feel connectedness. It's the desire to feel one whole and then to go back into that state of orgasm, of pure euphoria, which is, I'm not sure if you can call it enlightenment when you are orgasm, when you have an orgasm. But I do feel that it is a lot of love and joy and not, not exactly joy. Joy is just being happy without any reason.

Yeah.

So, I mean, there is a reason there. So that means that that's not quite enlightenment, but that is love, you know? And I do think that the reason why people crave that is because even God couldn't stay by himself. He needed to procreate itself in order to to exist, you know? And us as humans, I think in our subconscious, everything's already ingrained in there that this is only us. It's only one person. Well, not one person. You're experiencing it as one person, but I cannot prove your existence. I can only prove mine for sure. I can only prove that this matrix is virtual reality. I'm hallucinating it.

Yeah.

Okay. So there's that sense of solitude and like, wow, it's only me and it's all in my head. And that concept by itself is like, this is like, there's no one else. I mean, there is, but this is a hallucination that I'm making. But at the same time, it gives you great relief of knowing that that same, the same experience You're also doing it. Yeah, and so is the other person, and so is another person, and collectively we're all one. We're just— our consciousness is only happening individually for a certain moment.

Got it.

So in terms of— let me just finish up really quick with, um, with, with the sexuality, the sex desire. It's— I do think that there's a desire for intimacy because there's a desire to not feel alone. There's a desire of not, of not feeling like it's only you. And there's that connection that you need to have with somebody else. And then that separation, it connects to what? To an individual, to one.

Got it. Okay. So do you think maybe so to, and then we'll, we'll cap up the sexual stuff, but do you think there's maybe, is there like a balance? Cause like some people turn into like sexual addicts, right? So it's like, I think maybe you shouldn't rid yourself of all of it, although I kind of feel like that's what Alan Watts was kind of saying. Like, if you can rid yourself of all sexual desire, then you won't be a slave to it anymore.

So then what? So then, I mean, everything in an extreme is bad, right?

Okay. Yeah.

And I do believe that, for example, it's very hypocritical, but you know, they say that the the popes and the— how do you call them— the clergy of Catholicism and Christianity. They're like, yeah, we're celibate. They rape children all the time. You know?

So— I was expecting—

You weren't expecting that.

Not funny at all.

Oh my God. Okay, we will edit that out.

No way, we're keeping that.

No. Oh my God, hold on, excuse me. I got something in my eye. I just got something in my eye. Oh my God. Maybe that's an angel telling me to shut up and not talk about that. Oh my God. Hold on.

No, you're good.

I think my contacts are dirty. I just need to change them. I'm so bad with hygiene of my eyes. Correction. Really sharing it or not? I'm not afraid to be myself, but that's a little bit too far. Oh my God, this podcast is— No, it's gonna be good.

Okay, it's actually really good.

All right, all right. So, so do I have a black eye from the mascara?

No, I'm good. A little right here.

Okay, it's okay because the camera can't catch that. As long as it doesn't distract you. I don't want to get up and like fix it right now. Yeah, it's meant to be, right?

Yeah, it's just there. We'll fix it later.

All right, so I think—

so would you agree there's a balance to be stricken.

Yes, there is certainly a balance, and I do believe that that balance is, especially as an addict, I often think to myself if I will ever be able to drink again occasionally, or if I would be able to be okay with smoking weed occasionally, if I would be okay. There's people that I know that it's like, yeah, I smoke cigarettes like, you know, like once or twice when I drink, and I'm like, that's it? You don't smoke all day every day? They're like, no. So they don't have an addictive personality and cigarettes are very addictive and I was able to quit that habit. And you know, if for me that was hard and that is, you know, it was, it was something that was extremely hard, but it was harder to quit weed. So that was the, well, that, and then after that it was very hard to quit caffeine.

Oh yeah. No, caffeine is the real deal. People don't like look at caffeine as a real drug. It is a real.

It's a stimulant for sure. I'll be honest, I broke my sobriety today and I had a sip of coffee, just a sip, a sip. I was bouncing off the walls. I was bouncing off the walls. It was, yeah, and it was, and the colors were brighter. And you know, it's because when you take caffeine, you release dopamine, you know, and that's the, with being an extra addict that got abused by all the chemicals that I put in. So, you know, you can take that with like working out and meditation, but it got to the point where I'm like, all day I'm working out, I'm meditating, and I'm never okay. I'm like, I'm tired of this, you know? Like, it's just, it gets to a point where you are doing absolutely everything and then you're like, I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to and I'm not healing, you know? So that's very frustrating.

So why, if you're willing to, like, because remember we spoke yesterday, like, why, what is not healing? Like, what's going on?

I think there's resistance to not believe that I deserve to be okay. And there's also fear of always being okay. Okay.

Yeah. Tell more. This would maybe help me too.

Really? You know, you're a very hard person to read. I'll tell you that.

Am I?

Yeah.

Well, no, as you know, I have a fear of death, kind of. I think you kind of helped me with it. Yeah.

We never, we never die. Energy cannot be converted nor cannot be, um, oh my God, Stephanie, you should know this by heart. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. So once I like the way things are right now, and that is something that quite frankly is admirable because at least for me that I've only known darkness or I've known a false happiness growing up. And that was identification of the material world of being extremely spoiled, giving anything I wanted, being raised by a house staff and then going to complete poverty. So I grew up in a fake love and fake happiness. And then it just went to completely to like the darkest pits of hell where it was homelessness, poverty, drug addiction, you know, everything combined and It was just very traumatizing. And I'm still working through that. And it's just, you know, lately I've been having a lot of people close to me tell me, like, Steph, like, you're so hard on yourself. Like, why is it that you don't give yourself so much credit for everything that you've gone through? Like, nobody thought you were going to make it out alive. My brother yesterday was like, Stephanie, we had to kick you out of the house and make you be homeless because you were taking out knives. And I'm like, listen, I was taking out a knife for me. I was never ever doing it towards my mother or towards my brother or towards animals. Never. And the intention was I was so desperate that I needed help. And that's what it was, a cry out for help. And instead of getting helped, I got kicked out to the streets. So yesterday was a very— I was in the eggshells with my brother because I really didn't want to talk about that because it's It's very, it's, it's something that's still very, we see it from different perspectives and it's something that it's, it's very touchy to even, to even, you know, acknowledge that because I've gotten to the point where I've reached, I'm still going back and forth, but I have reached the consciousness and awareness of what is going on. Like I have all the information, all the awareness of enlightenment, and then I'm sabotaging myself from living that information.

Okay. So, okay, let me try to relate to that. So like what I would say is, uh, I don't know if I'm using the right term here, but it's hyperchondria potentially. Um, so potentially it's, it might be the wrong word, but it's basically like you always think something's wrong. Like you always think like you have like maybe a disease or something. Or like, uh, I, I, people, a couple people close to me have said that I might. And it's, and it's interesting because, uh, and I say this just being open, like, because I am so content and like, I'll say happy with where I am, I, anytime something feels even a little off, you start freaking out. Yeah. And so I'm wondering, like, talking to you now, Like I know where you were and we can dive deeper into that, like into this, but I don't think you're still there. Like you're not where you were in that bad home. Obviously you're not, you're not in that homeless place anymore. So your lowest point is past you. So what I'm getting at is like, I, maybe there's a relation there where it's like, I, things are going well, I'm happy where I am, but because of that, anytime I'm like short of breath, randomly. I'm like, what's going on? Like, am I about to die? You know, like it's weird shit like that. And then I overthink everything in those scenarios. Normally I have like no thought, but then in that scenario, something wrong is happening. I want things to stay how they are. So I start to freak out. You know what I mean?

You need to go through an ego death.

Potentially. Yeah. Tell me more about what does that even mean?

Okay. So that is actually, I'm going to try to respond with as much as I can right now, but this is something to actually go deep in thought because that is something that is very, very unique.

Yeah.

That I've actually never heard from somebody. I do have a friend who's a hypochondriac and I—

That is the right word? Am I using the right word?

A hypochondriac is when you think there's something— Yeah, it's when you think that there's something wrong with you, but it's just a fabrication of the mind.

Oh, okay. Yep. That's— Potentially. Right on. Not— I don't think something overall is wrong with me, but I think like at certain times when everything's okay, I think something's wrong. So, but go ahead.

Okay. So I think that what you fear is fear of losing control.

Ah, might be true.

And that's why I say that it might just mean that you might need an ego death. And because the ego wants everything to be in control. And, you know, it— so it's interesting because now that I realize you have a lower vibration frequency that is working against you, even though you are very high vibration by nature.

Okay. Yeah.

So, um, I mean, that's, that's what I've gotten from you, is that you're very high vibration.

Yes.

Who you are as a person, your, your vibes, you know, like your— the way your mind works. Um, however, there is And it can be a type of anxiety.

Yeah.

And because anxiety is fear. Okay. And what is going on is that you have fear of losing control.

I think you're right.

Your fear of losing control of, of things that are out of your control or that right now you have everything under control. And if something were to happen that is wrong, you start freaking out. Or perhaps you think that something is going to go wrong. And then in itself, you are attracting that into your reality.

Yeah, because we don't know— or what is it? The subconscious doesn't know negatives or positives.

It doesn't know negatives. It only knows positives.

So yeah, that's what it is.

So you can't say like, I don't want to feel this way, because it's going to read as I want to feel this way.

Yes, that's huge. That's a diamond. It is. And I think that you are correct. And I actually think just directly, like relating that to something is when I was younger, cause I think like hallucinogens, like mushrooms and acid and stuff.

Oh, we're getting into this.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

This is what I'll say. Like now I would never do them. And I, now that you brought up the control, I think it's because I am, I don't want to lose control. Like I'm afraid of losing. And when I was younger, I'd be like, yo, give me those mushrooms on, put a tab on top of that mushroom. And I'll eat food. And I would go— when I was younger, right? I would, and I would be fine.

Like, I did have one or two bad trips for sure, but that's because you were— you're in your—

but mostly, like, most of the time they went very well. Like, I had the time of my life. And now it's been probably like almost 10 years. Yeah, I'm 27. Yeah, it's been about 10 years since I've done an hallucinogen. And I have no desire to do them again, but I think it's because I know how much I'll lose control, and I'm afraid of that.

And that is why I was referring to keeping it PG-rated, that you need to go through an ego death. That's what I meant. Oh, that's what I thought you meant, but a very PG version.

Yeah, because, okay, like, again, I mean, because I've done it like Yes, again, it's been too long.

You'd have like an expiration date or something, like, you know, like, kill me again. Okay, yeah, I remember it was New Year's of 2 years ago. That was the last time that I took magic mushrooms, and for the first time I also mixed weed because it was like 1.2 or 3 grams of shrooms, which is nothing. And I wasn't feeling anything. And at this point, you know, I do take psychedelics and I want to say more magic mushrooms is for spiritual sort of enlightenment. And I had a conversation yesterday with my brother where he said, oh my God, like, you know, like I've never tried psychedelics. I've never tried this. I never tried that. You know, hallucinogenics is something that I'm very scared of. You can get addicted to it. And I'm like, no, you can't.

Not addicted.

No. And like, if you get addicted to it, there's something really wrong with you wanting to escape reality.

For sure.

Yeah. And because I unfortunately have a cousin that's in that path where he's, uh, that's another story within itself. But, um, he, uh, he was medicated with Adderall since he was 3 years old. And then, you know, for me, addiction began because I started getting medicated by big pharma. And a lot of the times I've seen that when kids and teenagers, they get put on medication, they become addicts because once they leave that medication, or if they do, they're used to taking a drug every single day. So they're like, oh, what does it matter if I smoke weed every day? Oh, what does it matter if I drink alcohol every day? You know?

Yeah.

So unfortunately, my cousin, he's younger than me. He's in that situation right now and he's mixing, you know, blow, cigarettes, weed, cocaine, well, that is blow, psychedelics, whiskey.

Loser.

Yeah, like all day, every day. And it's unfortunate because he's a very spiritual person. You see his eyes and it's like he's an old soul, but he's going through. Yeah, he's going through a lot. But my brother yesterday, he's like, you know, that's absolutely insane. You like, look at our cousin, you know?

Yeah.

And I'm like, Michael, I'll be honest. And my mom knows I got cured with magic mushrooms. You know that right now in Ohio, not in Ohio, You're in Oregon. Why would they be Ohio, right? In Oregon.

Yeah.

Why did I just say Ohio? That's like the most awkward place. Like in North Dakota.

You know, in Kansas.

Oh, so in— Toto, Toto. Did you just get the reference?

Yeah.

Okay. Why aren't you laughing?

Oh, because it was all a laugh, the whole thing.

Okay, anyways, um, so in— I told him in Oregon they're already— he's like, yeah, they're, they're legalizing mushrooms for depression.

And I'm like, yeah, ah, I did hear about this.

And I'm like, yeah, um, you know, and he, he was interested about that. He, he didn't express it because he is my older brother. So I'm like, this is what happens when you take the psychedelic, you get brought out completely of all the programming that you've had in this entire life, in this government, in this culture, in this religion that you've gone under, under your parents' programming that they gave you.

Yeah.

And it makes you look at everything from a consciousness point of view, full consciousness. So then you realize what are the lower vibrations that are not making you or holding you back from operating at this vibration.

Yeah.

Okay, so magic mushrooms is not that, oh, you go into the middle of the woods and you get cured. No, you get the answers, and then it's up to you to actually put in the work after the trip is done. The trip is just spiritual healer. It's the professor. Yeah, it's a professor telling the students, which is you, this is what is not allowing you for you to be happy.

That's a good way to put that.

And when you resist and you go in it with fear, yeah, that is when you have a bad trip.

Yeah.

Because this, you're operating at full love, at full potential, at full, you know, consciousness. And if you restrain that with the third dimensional physical, um, sort of, uh, mentality, that's when you start having a bad trip because there's a opposites happening at the same time. So you start freaking out because it's this love trying to— like, you are encompassing, you are love, and then there's fear there, and fear is the opposite of love. So you can't have those contradictions being at the same time.

Mm-hmm.

You can only have one or the other. But when you're in psychedelics, you are literally overriding the system and becoming love. And if you restrain to that, then that's when a bad trip happens.

I am starting to feel as if though you need one coming up. I think we need one.

We? And what, in like doing a podcast?

I think we need mushrooms. That's what I'm realizing. Is that accurate?

That would be interesting. That would be interesting for a lot of reasons.

South Point Park.

South Point Park.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we should do mushrooms. Mushrooms at South Point, you know, head on over to the steakhouse.

I'm vegan, come on!

That was a joke, and it worked. Okay, so—

steakhouse is slaughterhouse, right?

Okay, anyways, so, okay, so before we move on, I want you to tell us in a little more detail what you mean as far as like when you take the mushrooms, like what it does, you know what I mean? Like, what does it show you? Because you kind of went through that pretty quickly, meaning like you said, like the parents, the teachers, society. Like, tell us a little bit more about like what answers, because you know what I mean? Like, that was pretty quick. Like, what answers is it telling you? What do you know what I mean? And maybe for everybody it's different.

I don't know. Exactly. For everybody is different. And I'll tell you the lessons that I learned.

Yeah, tell us your experience.

It's the best way for So everybody's different because everybody has different programmings. Everybody has different parents. But usually what I've encountered and— hold on, let me backtrack, backspace, backspace. If this was a book, I would be like, you know, hold on, I need to add something to the last sentence. So the programming that you have from your parents, the programming that you have from your teachers in school, The more that I, you know, that I teach students, you know, the more that I realize that what they're doing in school, like, I'm a teacher, but not in school. Like, I'm, if you want to call it, it's called a tutor. However, I am the teacher. Like, I kid you not. Teachers nowadays, they don't teach.

Yeah.

At all. And they can't because they're That's a conversation within itself, but education is bought out. Education is a business.

Yeah.

So right now there's standardized testing like no other. So right now teachers are not molding students on how to think, just what to think.

Yeah.

So it's very unfortunate. But the students that I do have, which right now are very few, because I'm trying to go more in quality than quantity. And One of them is actually tripping on shrooms tonight. He's a pansexual, born a she, transferred to a he, and he's 15 years old.

Local?

Uh, yeah, he's in Miami Beach.

Why are we not with him? Her? Which one?

It's him.

Him, sorry.

Yeah.

Um, this is perfect timing.

Oh my God, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

No, but keep telling us.

He's a very interesting character because he has a male and female mentality. And for him to do these trips, and as soon as he told me that and I saw him today, I'm like, I'm not here. I didn't listen to this because I'm not his parent. I'm just like a mentor and a tutor to him.

Oh, for sure.

So I can't exactly say it, but if I was able to do those trips instead of— at his age, I was drinking Smirnoff.

Do you remember Smirnoff? I do. You're like, oh, I do.

Yeah. And then when I was 17, a week before I turned 18, I started smoking weed. So, you know, when I was this age, I was doing things to depart reality. You know, I was already drinking. Oh my God, that summer in Colombia, I have it. My friend has a video of me doing 15 shots of aguardiente. 15.

Wait, what is that?

Aguardiente.

What is that?

It's fiery water, but it's basically like licorice drink that is extremely extremely strong. It's like 40-something percent liquor.

Oh, wow.

It's very strong. 15 shots of that when I was 15. 15, 1, 15. That should be a book. Oh, that was a trip. But anyways, so when I was that age, I was already departing reality. I was already partying. And that's when I started to get into that atmosphere. And that quotation mark goes on for like 7 more years. And so, okay, so, you know, and I wanted to tell him so badly, I'm like, do it, but don't do it to depart reality. Do it to find more about yourself.

Yeah, I like that.

And if—

and an intention is good going into something like that because actually it's very important, I think, you know, because like you said, if you go into it being fearful that might probably come out during the trip, potentially, if you go in it with it. About it, because yeah, I'm just in general, whatever you go in, like, it's interesting. So say if you have a terrible day, maybe taking mushrooms at the end of that day is not the best thing to do. Maybe, or maybe it is. What do you think? Well, I would say it's not.

No, it definitely is not. Yeah, it's definitely— it's not because of the fact that you can't do it to escape reality. And if you're having a bad day, I usually say, if you're gonna do therapeutic mushrooms, you should do them somewhere in the start of the day or even a little bit after. Because your mind at the end of the day is already gonna be, you know, like very tired. And, you know, so, and whenever I, the last two times that I did shrooms, which was like, over a year and a half ago. Yeah, around that time. I just blanked out. What just happened there? No, hold on, hold on, hold on. I know exactly what I was thinking about. So I meditated extensively the day before.

Okay.

Extensively. You have to prepare yourself. You have to prepare yourself for it. You can, or even, I mean, I guess if you're in the, in the spur of the moment and somebody gives you shrooms, like, here, have some. I mean, like, okay, but here's what I say: the plants will reveal themselves when it's meant to happen.

Yeah.

So shrooms, like, if you go out looking for shrooms and they don't appear, you're not supposed to have a trip.

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah. So when you're ready, the plant will reveal itself to you. But in regards to— let's go back to— let's make a U-turn back to square one where we got a little off track. Yeah, so what I learned through my shroom experience. So what I learned was that the first time it was horrible, like not the first time, the first time after rehab, when this was a breakthrough, this was like the breakthrough moment that completely just like, yeah, was that I started shaking and going, when is this going to be over? I was in a fetal position, just I'm crying my eyes out. I'm like, oh my God, this is horrible. I should have never done this. Oh my God, 8 hours of this. What am I going to do? And then luckily I had somebody that was very experienced, very experienced with psychedelics.

Yeah.

And he looked at me and he goes, uh, Steph, don't you realize there's nothing happening in this moment right now for you to be feeling as you do? You're making yourself feel this way.

Yeah.

Listen, that is the breakthrough moment. I looked at him and instead of crying of misery, I started to laugh so hard, so hard. And the tears, I just started to— I looked like the Joker because I was like having like the emotion of like crying and happy at the same time and like being scared and being euphoric at the same time. But all of a sudden, all the chains of society that has ever placed on me just went, they disappeared. And I'm like, do you realize how many shrinks, how many doctors, how many hospitalizations that I've gone through just so that I can realize that? And he's like, Steph, and the shrooms were $20. And I was like, do you know how much they charge Medicaid? I made the calculations because it's in my book. Close to $1.5 million in course of 5 years.

Yeah.

Hospitalizations, you know how much it costs to be in a psych ward? You know how much they milk that insurance?

Oh, I think it's very high actually. I actually heard, oddly enough, a podcast with Mike Tyson.

Oh really?

Yeah, Mike Tyson and Steve-O from Jackass, they were in a psych ward together.

And by like, were they voluntarily?

They both admitted themselves? Friends put them in there. Like friends.

Oh, that's, that's crazy. That's such a coincidence that they were in the same one.

Yeah, it was that— it was— they weren't— they didn't go in at the same time, but like, okay, oddly enough, we're at the same one. Like, Steve-O came in 2 days later or something. It was a podcast, and they said something like— and don't quote me on this— but Steve-O, I believe, said something like he had to pay like $300,000 or $400,000 out of pocket for like 2 weeks of being in there. Yeah, being in there for 2.

It all depends, uh, which one Oh my god, I have something stuck in my contact. It's really uncomfortable. Oh my god, watch me go blind.

Well, I hope that doesn't happen, but if it happens live, that would be a way to do it. I'm just saying.

Okay, so I think I got it. Oh my god, this was a catastrophe. Is my eye black? No, just a little bit. Okay, anyways, it doesn't really matter. Um, so yes, from— for 3 days was— it depends which one you go to. Yeah, but for 3 days it was— so for 3 days it was $30,000. Yeah, and so $10,000 per day. And it all depends, they usually give you the injections and And the drugs are the most expensive on the market. And those drugs are based on stock market. So they're privately held. And it's literally, it's a share. You buy shares of a specific drug. That's why there was a huge outcry when somebody bought this pill for like, I don't know, for, I don't remember what it was. Like diabetes or something that— something that a lot of people use that is not psychedelic, that is not psychiatric. Okay. And people couldn't afford it anymore because one pill went up to $700.

Yeah, it's crazy.

So they usually inject you. They usually give you pills. They usually give you the ones that are the highest on the market. It's not even about curing you. It's about them making money. So it also depends on what type of medication they give you. But I mean, in all, I was in, I probably had like maybe 30 hospitalizations of psych wards. So that's 30 times 3. No, it probably was more than that. It definitely wasn't 90 days because I went to rehab for 90 days and I was in and out of psych ward like no other. So I mean, with medication, insurance, and not insurance, medication, psych wards, everything, it was close to 1.5 million for 5 years. And I'm only one, one in many that are there. Yeah, many. And, and I was just getting worse, getting worse and worse. And a lot of side effects of these medications are suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts. So people are— Absolutely. I think I showed you in the last podcast, like all the scars.

And do you believe it was from those drugs?

Yeah, I definitely do. I definitely do.

What was that like? Like, what is that? Because I've never experienced that experience. Like, so like, yeah, like you took the drugs and you now, you know, after, because you're not in it anymore, it's after.

Well, I do. I'm still in one with stabilizer, which has been very hard to come off from. Very, very hard. And they're doing this on purpose. Hard to actually leave the system forever. And I'm still in that process. Before I was taking 6, 7 medications per day. Now I'm taking a mood stabilizer that is at normal dose. Before it was 7 medications, 6 medications, all at the highest dose. So yeah, I was taking a cocktail of drugs.

So, okay. So the suicidal thoughts though, like, I mean, okay. So black and white, it just means like you're considering killing yourself. That's what that, that's what that means. But like, what did it feel like? How did they arise? Like, what is that even like? Because I would say most people, at least I don't think ever have those, or maybe they do. But like, what is it like? Or like, what were the thoughts? If you're willing to share.

I have a cousin and a second cousin, and they both committed suicide because of that.

Really?

Both of them.

Okay.

One was found hanging. He was 20, young 20s. And my cousin, my— this was my second cousin and my first cousin. He jumped out of a high-rise here in Brickell. And they were on the— yeah, they were high up, very high up. And he stopped taking medications cold turkey because his liver was done. The doctor was like, you know, you either get a transplant Or if you keep taking this medication, you're going to die within 2 years. So after that, he's 27 at this point. He was like, I'd rather risk it and stop taking this medication.

Yeah.

You know, and try to live it out. Well, when he got off the medication, he left it cold turkey. And he was medicated for 10 years.

Yeah.

So he was medicated since he was 17 to 27. And I was in rehab when he committed suicide. And that was very hard for me because at the same time, it was just a bunch of things was going through my mind. And nobody thought that that was going to happen. Nobody thought that there was going to be a suicide like that in the family. Yeah, of course. Especially when I called my mother, I was in rehab and I always called her in the morning. I'm like, hey, mom, how are you? How's everything? And automatically she didn't respond and she was crying. I'm like, what happened? Is Michael okay? Is grandma okay? Like, what's going on? She kept sobbing. She's like, oh, sorry. I'm not gonna say my cousin's name, but he committed suicide last night. And I'm like, I froze. I began to tremble and I started screaming and crying, screaming and crying just because so much was going on. I was in rehab for getting off drugs. I was at that time trying to get off this last mood stabilizer that I still take. And then I have, you know, this experience that my cousin committed suicide because he stopped taking medication. So I'm also in fear. I'm like, oh my God, that means that if I, if I stop taking them, I'm also going to die. Like, I'm also going to have suicidal thoughts. And then it was also the realization that I've always have this sort of, how do you call it, I've had this purpose in me, and I've always felt it, that I'm here to heal people, but first I needed to go through hell. And for some reason, I felt that it was kind of my fault, because I wasn't healed soon enough to help him, to help him realize what was happening with his mind, to help him, be there for him, you know. And so it was just a clash of emotions. But yeah, the It has happened many times that whenever I stopped taking my medication, or I tried to get off it, I started having suicidal thoughts.

So it's when you stop taking it?

Yes, when you stop taking it.

Now that's still a reperc— like it's still because of it, right? Because if you had never taken it in the first place, I don't think so. Then the thoughts—

I didn't, I didn't before.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out because that's like Interesting. So it's like, it's an aftereffect, you know?

And I mean, I can't prove this for sure or not, Tyler, but I do think they're doing this on purpose. Yeah, I would not surprise me, because, um, that is something that I would get into way later on. And that is, um, I talked to you a little bit over that, or messages, that, um, not only is it a business, and if you get off medication, they can no longer milk you, they can no longer charge the insurance You know, it's a business. But then there's also the fear of minds that are unlike the rest and the danger that they portray to the system. You know, we're slowly starting to wake up collectively, especially our generation. There's a massive awakening and shift that's going on in consciousness at this time. I don't know if you heard. Last night, you know, John of God, by any chance? He's this— I didn't know who he was until he was on the news. He was this priest or not priest, but like a, like a healer, spiritual healer that was in Brazil. And Oprah, he was on the Oprah Winfrey Show and his clients were the Clintons. So this guy was like a spiritual guru, if you want to call him that. And when people were in his his presence, they felt like he was in the presence of the Dalai Lama or something like that. Like even Oprah was like, there was this blissful feeling of peace when I was in his presence. Well, guess what? Turns out that he, he has, he does human trafficking of children. And he runs a girl farm, which is basically he gets girls that are like 10 years old and starts you know, grooming them.

Yeah.

And since they get their period till around like 10 years afterward, when they're in their early mid-20s, he gets them pregnant. Or I don't know, I don't know the exact story, but these girls get pregnant. I don't know if by him or by other people. And then they sell those babies in the black market. So they will sell them to like European families for like $30,000. So it's like off the market, like you know, and then once those girls, and each time they have a baby, they get pregnant again. So it's a farm. And after they're like 21, 22, 23, he kills them. So he is, yeah. So he's there for mass murder. His daughter is now coming out saying, yeah, my dad's a monster. He raped me since I was 10 years old. And this is a guy that is a spiritual guru. Yeah, that's Yeah, yeah, and it's, it's unfortunate, and I don't want to go too much into the Clintons being his— I'm not gonna go there. I'm gonna leave the Clintons with the mercy, you know. I'm not gonna dig up their old bags. Yeah, exactly. And exactly what you're thinking about, that's exactly— okay, they're applying to him.

Okay.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

So where were we even talking about? Oh, okay. So about medications and— yeah. So there are threats to the system. So right now there's a lot of people that are coming out and they're exposing the true light upon powerful figures. They're there with ego, with money, with power. And right now there's so much indictments going on that people don't even realize. Why? Because they're all, you know, the government's like, the Kardashians, you know, Super Bowl, you know, controversy of the Gillette commercial, this, that. And behind the scenes, a lot of people that are in that rank, they're all for human trafficking, for sex, you know, pedophilia around the world. They're all getting indictments. And this is all going behind the scenes. And those people, what is it? Global corporations. Big Pharma. There's— it— this is a podcast of like 10 hours to like even go into like that. That— yeah, like those can— canopies, is that how you call it? Or a can of worms? Yeah, there you go.

I love that so much.

That's, that's the best shit I've ever heard. But, uh, what I'm referring to in this— say canopies, it's fine. Spray them Kill them, kill them, government politicians.

I'm kidding.

So what I was getting at is that there's, uh, it's a danger to have, um, to have minds that are unlike the rest because they can see the BS of everything and they can see the BS of how everything works. Um, you know, we get telepathically communicated of the truth. Schizophrenics, they— what the mind believes, what it is fed. So if you don't know what's going on with your mind, you fear it. You start hearing voices and you don't know what's going on. You're like, oh my God, I'm going insane. You know, like, well, what is insane anyways? You're sane from the inside, right? Yeah, right. Well, because not many people are connected to the inside of themselves. So, you know, it's That is actually interesting. Yeah. Yeah. I wrote that once and it kind of makes sense. It kind of didn't, but hey, I wrote it.

So what's interesting? You're terresting from the inside, right?

You're sane from the inside. You're inside or insane. Not inside.

I love it. Okay.

Yeah. You're sane from the inside. I once said that one. That can of worms will leave it for later. But yeah, they're a threat because of the fact that when you have voices inside your head, you don't know where they're coming from, you know, and you have doctors telling you the mind believes what it is fed. So if you have doctors telling you, you will hear voices, they will kill you, they will start to tell you to kill yourself. You know that that happened to me once when I was forced by my own mother, because it was either being homeless or going to a psych ward. And it was that, that phase in my life was very hard. It was very hard because I had to choose either be drugged and injected and being in isolation rooms or being sleeping on the streets and scared for my life that somebody was going to rape me. So that was, it was a very hard time in my life. And that was after, right after I dropped out of architecture school.

And then, so I have a question.

Sure.

It's up to you now. Which one did you choose? But before you answer that, should we answer that on the next podcast or do you want to answer it now? Which one did you choose?

I'll let you choose.

I kind of feel like that's the hanger, you know.

That's the what?

That's that, like, I feel like you should answer that on the next one. Okay, it's a good hanger.

Yeah.

Okay, you like that?

Yeah.

Okay, so before we sign off on this one, tell us, give us the full kind of overarching story of the Daughter of He. And what people have.

Shouldn't we be doing this always in the beginning? No, no, you know how to work this.

Maybe both. I mean, typically on like a Rogan podcast, they'll like, you know, wait to the end, you know, to like—

where is the camera, Joe Rogan? I'm coming for you. Just send that clip right there.

Yeah, um, no, but like, so because you've told us some of your story and like, so we've talked about a lot of stories, a lot of that about you. But like The Daughter of He, like, what can people expect from it?

Everything. Everything of my life story. Everything of— to be quite honest with you, it has to do with everything in my life, whether experience, my ideas, my mentality, how I found my soul, how I thought I was already healed, and then life taught taught me another lesson and it never ends. So within itself, it's a very hard book to actually compress down to specific outline in chronological order. And that has been why it's been so hard, so hard to actually finalize it. So what you would expect from The Daughter of He is a story that would probably be completely, completely unlike anything that you've ever heard. I think that it's so intensive that I— did it really happen? Because, you know, it's just like, you know, homelessness, you know, getting injected, you know, escaping getting gang raped and killed, you know, losing my father and brother when I was very young, you know, the contrasts that are there. And then there's also the contrast of complete, like, hell and poverty. And then there's the other side of, you know, how I grew up with a house staff, you know, like with my parents, you know, getting invited to a quarter of a million dollar charity plate dinners in the White House when they were with an order of deportation, you know. So, hello, how is it that I said money speaks louder than the law?

Yeah.

So there's all of this contrast that is going on. And then there's also you know, the story of how nobody thought I was going to make it out of life. And more than anything, I share the story so that others can get inspired, that they say, oh no, I'm a fuck-up. Excuse my language. I'm a screw-up.

I love this.

That's all this podcast is. I'm a screw-up and I have no way out. And, you know, like, everybody already thinks I'm going to end up bad. So, you know, I have no That was me, you know, and I was able to completely change my life 180 degrees. So, you know, it's there as an inspirational, and then it's also there to share ideas of mine that for a reason they were drugged, you know, the ideas were drugged. So was I, they're the same. But yeah, it's a wild ride. It's a roller coaster. It's a roller coaster. And it's definitely something that takes a lot of courage to come out and say because it's not easy. It's not easy whatsoever.

And I can totally— and I've only like seen a little bit of it, but from the little bit I've seen, it's definitely a roller coaster.

Well, the good thing is that I've showed you the good pieces.

Oh really?

Yeah, so now I have to like polish up like all the other ones to make it to that standard.

I gotcha. But so thank you for coming on, and thank you for having me. We did it!