068: Not Just Surviving but Thriving with Jennifer Gilbert

Hi, I'm Natalie Jill, fat loss expert turned high performance coach. When odds are stacked against us, how do we shift and create everything from nothing? How do we level up when we aren't feeling it yet or we've had a big setback? On this podcast, I'll be talking to some of the most inspiring and courageous men and women on this planet who at their worst learned how to achieve success greater than they ever dreamed possible. Leveling up and creating everything from nothing. Jennifer Gilbert was violently attacked in the worst imaginable way when she was just 22 years old. Her pain turned into purpose as she decided to live her life surrounded by joy and celebration instead of fear. And from coming from a place of victim and blame. What started as a passion and healing quest turned into a transformative self sustaining company. But Jennifer didn't stop there. She revolutionized the event planning world with clients such as Google, Oprah Winfrey, the ymca, the Red Cross and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Interviewing Jennifer was a gift. I did not want to stop learning from her. Jennifer's not just a survivor, she is a true thriver. Join in today and learn exactly how Jennifer Gilbert leveled up and created everything from nothing. Today on Leveling Up. I've got Jennifer Gilbert and I'm so excited to interview her today because you may know her from her set on the Real Housewives. You might know her from her fascinating book that was literally everywhere. Or you might know her for her name in event coordinating and event planning. She's here today. I'm so excited to talk with you today. Jennifer, thanks for being here.

I am so happy to be here.

So Jennifer, you've done so many things. People know you from so many different directions. Your book was literally everywhere. Like everyone knew that. And just to know that, that you were even on the Housewives, which is the buzz around everybody talking about that. Who were you before all this? Because there's just so much now and I know that you were someplace and somebody totally different before all of this. Who were you?

Yes, actually it's a pretty funny story, but going backwards, when I was 22, I had just graduated from college. The year before I was living in London and I didn't care what I did. I got a working visa. I would have worked behind a bar in retail. It just so happens that I got a job working for a small production company in London. He hired me, the president, because I was a New Yorker from birth and I had no fear. And he would say, well, you may have to cold call. I was like, all Right. You know, and I actually found that I loved it. The more people would say no. I was, I was like, you know, the typical American that pushed harder, but always with a smile and a giggle and I loved it. But I, you know, I studied business in college and marketing, so it was right up my alley. And then I returned home, which was back to my parents house because I had literally just, you know, gotten back from London. And about 10 days later I went to go visit my college roommate in New York City. And it was a beautiful day in May, and it was about five o', clock, bright sunshine. I missed my stop. I got off the subway, I took the train to New York. And then I took the subway thinking I took the tube in London, all over the place. I could figure it out in my own country. And I walked, missed my stop and I was walking up the street and unbeknownst to me, I was followed off the subway and I walked into my friend's apartment building because the doors were propped open. And I always say that was sort of the day I lost my joy because I was followed and I was stabbed and assaulted 30, 37 times with a screwdriver. Oh my gosh. Oh. Pretty much left for dead.

Wow.

Yeah.

So you said it was this normal day and you're walking. Did you have any sense that someone was following you? Did anything at all? Any vibe, any feeling?

No idea. In fact, I was walking and there was all the windows in one of the stores and I was looking at myself thinking, you know, I just come back from London. I was this worldly travel traveler thinking this is going to be my fabulous life. Like, I'm going to put on a Donna Karan suit back a while ago. Yeah, I'm going to take New York by storm. I'm going to go to Wall street and I'm going to have this fabulous life.

Oh my gosh. So you walk in this apartment and what's, what's happening? Like, you walk in and somebody grab you. Like, what's, what's going through your mind?

Yeah, I walked in and, you know, I'm a smiley, happy person. And I said hi to the two guys that were working on their motorcycles right outside. And I actually passed the building, realized I passed it, turned around and walked back. And as I realized the building, I knew she lived on the first floor. And I walked in through the building, I made a right down the hallway and I was ringing the doorbell to her apartment. And as I was waiting there, I heard a noise and I looked down to my left and in the corridor, sort of casing the wall, meaning their whole left side was sort of pushed up against the wall. I saw a man. And I thought, this is very strange because there were only two apartments. This is my mind thinking.

Yeah.

One was right in front of me and behind me. So he was going to literally bump into me. And I. I had a feeling he wasn't going where I was going. So something felt weird.

Yeah.

And then I looked at him. I was. I kind of pushed the doorbell a few more times. And then I looked at him again. And all I can tell you is that I saw his head down and his eyes were looking up at me. So I sort of saw his forehead and eyes. And when I tell you I saw hate, it wasn't like sexy looking. It wasn't. It was just this pure hate.

Wow.

Yeah. I. And I had like a complete involuntary shudder.

Yeah.

And I'm pushing the doorbell, pushing the door. Doorbell. Thinking like, come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. And I'm just perfectly still, as far into the door as I could possibly be. I would almost fall into the door. Sure. And the next thing I knew, I felt like. Like three really hard punches in my head.

Wow.

And I was. I was shocked. And I sort of took a breath and I. It's so crazy what you think and what you remember, but I remember thinking, oh, my God, he's trying to mug me. Like I'm back in New York for one minute. So I took my bag and I threw it as far away from me as I could down the hall, thinking he wanted. Yes. And he didn't move. And sort of the next thing I knew, he got me down to the ground and he was laying on top of me. And all I knew is that he was punching me, sort of looking like he was punching me in the face. And I kept moving my head side to side thinking, you know, protect your face. Yeah. And at some point I looked up and I saw my friend had opened the door. Now she was inside her apartment. It was a beautiful day. The music was blasting. I don't know if the air conditioning or the windows were open. She didn't hear anything but the doorbell.

Right.

So she comes to open the door to let me in. She looks down, she sees me laying in a pool of blood with a man on top of me with his hand, just sort of like, as you would imagine, you know, up and down. And she freaked out.

Yeah.

Shut. Shut the door. And went back inside her apartment. Whoa. I didn't remember that at all. I just Remembered seeing her. And I remember thinking, like, I have to get up.

Yeah.

As this was all going on, I'm.

Assuming she was in shock too, in a different way, but not knowing what completely.

So simultaneously, I all of a sudden felt something going in my thigh.

Okay.

And I thought, okay, wait a minute, this is not punching. I'm being stabbed. And that's when I realized I started screaming to my friend. Oh, my God, he's stabbing me. Please help me. Somebody help me. I mean, I was screaming the entire time and I was fighting. And so I knew I had to get him off of me. And I don't know how, but I got this 250 pound man off of me. And the next thing I kind of remember was my friend. Now, when she closed the door, I did not know this then. I only found it out much later. She went in to tell her four roommates what was happening outside. And because she was in such shock, she had lost her voice. Oh, my God. She couldn't speak.

Yeah.

To tell them. And I think at some point she must have remembered or heard me and went back to open the door. And when she opened it, I remember her. And I was on my feet and I pushed the door open, you know, and I ran in thinking, oh, my God, okay, I'm saved. And I heard her screaming something to this man. And I turned around behind me and he was now in the apartment.

Oh, my gosh.

I looked back and I thought, oh, my God, I'm dead. He's going to kill me. And I'm running down her hallway. Her bedroom was right off the front door. So she went into her bedroom and closed the door and locked it. And I had no choice but to run down this sort of long hallway to a square room. I mean, there was nowhere for me to go. And as I was running, I was frantically looking for anything. I remember throwing like a marble chess set behind me at him. And all there was was a sofa, you know, sort of on the opposite side of the room. And I got up on the sofa and I. He was. I had maybe a footstep on him. I mean, it wasn't even a full second. And, you know, I went to go sort of kick him wherever. Personally, I could hurt him the most. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he grabbed my foot, he spun me around and he sat on top of me on my stomach, facing my feet. And I will not go into other gory details, except for the fact that I had no idea what was happening. I had no pain, but I was Screaming. And I saw, you know, red, like my blood all over this white sofa. And I just. But I was screaming and punching and I never ever once gave up. Not for a second. And then the next thing I know, literally, he gets off of me without a sound and runs out the door. And I heard it close behind him.

Wow.

Now, I did not know that when my friend went to go say something to the roommates, I did not know there were roommates. I didn't know that when I ran in, there were five women in that room who all ran out. I didn't even see them. This is how, like, laser focused I was. So, you know, he ran out and I got up and I had no skirt on. I mean, I was. It was a mess anyway. And I told my friend to come out of her room. And, you know, after that it was hospital and ambulance and multiple stab wounds, and it was just crazy. I mean, I was 22 years old.

Wow. Wow. Jennifer.

Oh, my gosh.

So I. I can't even. I'm speechless on this. And I'm. I'm just. I can't even imagine how you begin to piece that together. Recover, forget. I mean, all of it, like, wondering why you survived.

Like, what.

Why he did it.

Exactly. I mean, I have to say that was the darkest, I mean, obviously darkest portion of my life. I had so many different emotions. It was. It's hard to even, you know.

Yeah.

But part of me was like, why? The other part of me is like, what have I ever done in my life. Life to deserve this? The other part of me was like, okay, my life is over. I have no more joy. I'm soulless. I'll never smile again.

Yeah.

Also, I looked crazy. I mean, I had 37 puncture stab wounds, cuts all over my leg, my, you know, my head. When he was punching me in the beginning, it was actually stabbing me, and it was a screwdriver. I mean, physically, I was a disaster with scars and, you know, couldn't walk for weeks. I mean, I had been punched in the face like it was just.

Yeah.

Unimaginable.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I was just in complete and total shock. And it turns out that it was sort of a serial attack. He had. He was a paroled murderer. He had attacked somebody two days before me, which was just a few sort of wounds, then me. And then there was a woman after me, but there were no witnesses and she didn't see anything. It was. This was all over the news, the guardian angels. It was all over the news stations. But this is before There was Google, so it never made any real records. But that was a pretty, pretty low spot.

Very low. How did you even begin to pick up the pieces and the meaning to that? Like where do you start? How do you even, how do you not give up?

As soon as I started to physically heal, I know this is going to sound insane, but I felt I could not stay at my parents. It was just we, we both, we didn't know how to talk to each other so we walked around each other. They didn't bring it up at all. And I was looking around thinking, am I crazy? Did this just happen to me? You know, wow. They didn't want to bring it up because they didn't want me to get more upset. And I was waiting for them to bring it up because I was being strong for them. It just was crazy. And you know what happens afterwards when people started to find out was, you know, I wrote a chapter in my book about this called, you know, about at least ing.

Uh huh.

People absolutely mean the best but they have no idea what to say to you when this has happened. So you get a lot of. At least, at least he didn't blah. At least you weren't raped. At least, at least, at least. And I'm sitting there with 37 stab wounds at 22 years old, my face a mess, my body a mess, wondering if I'm ever going to get over this, thinking he may as well have killed me.

Yeah.

And people are telling me how it could have been worse.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh. So it made me feel like I should be thankful about this thing and I just wasn't ready at that point. No. So I needed to literally run away. I packed my car two and a half months later and I moved to Boston.

Were you scared? Did you feel like. I'm just so many things going through my mind. Like were you scared of is going to happen again? Is it? Were you scared?

Oh, I was a maniac. I mean, while I was still in New York and they hadn't caught anybody. I thought he was hiding in my parents car. Like I had to sleep with the lights on. I had to have somebody in the room with me. I mean I am not a fearful person. I had just come from literally hitchhiking around Europe after London with two girlfriends. And I now was, you know, I thought he was everywhere I went, I thought he was. It was, it was an irrational fear but of course expected. And I just, you know, I had to go into the city, I had to do lineups, I had to do A composite photo. I mean, there were a lot of things I had to get through, and I just wouldn't really let myself sort of cry. I was very strong for everyone else, but I was outside of myself. It was a very, very surreal experience. So I just had to leave because I thought I was going crazy.

How do you begin to heal that? Like, did you get into therapy? Did you work on post traumatic stress? Like, or was it just literally escaping? How do you even begin to. And I also want to know what would have been the right thing for people to have done or said.

Yes, that's. That's a great question for. And I don't know whether I did this right or wrong, because there is no right and wrong. There's just what people have experienced for me. I needed to shut it off completely. I. Well, I moved to Boston, and I don't even know what I was thinking. I don't remember the name of the street. I don't remember what I even did there for a couple of months. I may have volunteered. I may have had a job. I honestly have blocked it out completely. Yeah, I do remember, however, one morning I was laying in my bed, and I remember I had the top. Okay, this is crazy. I went from my family and my hometown, where I knew everybody and had support, to driving to a city I have never lived in and pulled a roommate needed off a sheet, like, BU or something. And I moved into a room of strangers. So go figure that.

Yeah.

And I was in my room where I basically had, like, a bed and a box.

Yeah.

And of my things. I mean, it's. And I remember one day I was waking up and I was looking out the window, and everybody had somewhere to go. You know, people were going to school or going to work. I was in a college town, I guess, or area. And I am looking out the window thinking, what is going on? What am I doing? What? Wait, what am I doing? This is my life. And if this man has made me, like, deviate from my fabulous life and my plan at all, then he may as well have killed me, because then he won. And that was literally the day that I said, get up. You picked the wrong girl. And I just said, okay, enough, enough. And I packed up my bag. I put everything I brought with me in my car. And when I tell you I packed up my emotional baggage and I left it there, I, like, put it in the back of a closet of a shelf in a room and a street. I don't even remember. And I said, I will never go there again. And for 20 years, I never spoke about it ever publicly to anybody.

So how did that does that work with you, though? Because I would imagine your body, you know, we all hear about body keeping the score and just that bearing down that emotion. I mean, you were violated in the worst possible way, and people were sweeping it under the rug or not handling it well. And then you sort of taught yourself well that, okay, I just. I'm not gonna. I'm act like it didn't happen in a way.

Yes. I went into. And, you know, the thing that I tell. I speak to a lot of. I don't want to say victims, because you say that about me. I get, like, very upset because I'm a survivor and a warrior, you know.

Yeah.

But I was. I was someone who. Who was, you know, a product of a bad circumstance. And that could be. We all have a story. This is mine. And people think, oh, my God, what happened to me isn't nearly as bad as what happened to you. And I say, stop. We don't compare wounds or stories or hurts. It is all relative to what someone has gone through in their life. So there's no better or worse. There's no. I feel. I'm entitled to feel worse than you did. I don't. I don't believe in that. I think that we're all in it together, you know, And I think that for me, I was in fight mode. I mean, and I don't blame. I mean, most of the time when I tell people about my friend that closed the door or when I wrote about it, that was the most. The most emails and comments and talk shows. I mean, people. It was like collective gasp when I was on the Today show or I was on a talk show. And I said, I never blame her because nobody would know what they would do in that situation. There's no blame. So I think for me, personally, I fought when this happened. The police said to me, only 7% of women fight back. 7%. So I went into, you know, fight. I didn't have the flight mode because I couldn't. And I just sort of kept that fighting inertia for a very long time. It wasn't.

Did you ever try to make meaning of it or have you made meeting ever? How do you even do?

Well, I will tell you the steps. I did not go to therapy, not because I didn't really want to, but because at that time with my family, it just did. We went once. It was not a good experience for me or my family. And it just. I was like, that was. That was the end of that. So. But when I moved back to New York, I just wanted to start totally fresh. But I, you know, I wasn't. I mean, I smiled and I put my armor on, which I like red lipstick back then. But I was. I mean, in my soul, I felt dead. And I thought, I will. I'll just never have joy again. And I will have to sort of find it in other people in other situations. So I thought, okay. I mean, I would have gone into Wall Street. I mean, I was businesswoman at heart. And I thought, well, that's gone. I want to be around people celebrating because what I learned is we only have today. We have no idea or control over what is going to happen. And that was a big lesson that I've learned only in the last recent, you know, maybe 10 years. But for the years before that, you know, I went into. That's separate emotionally. I went into complete control mode. Yes. But, you know, with my sort of healing, I said, well, I want to be around people celebrating because at the end of the day, that's the only thing that's important. And I thought, well, who celebrates now? This is way back when there were no event planner jobs. Sure. Now there's certificates. But that was not even a profession or a career movement. So I thought, well, you know, people get married. That's happy. So I literally looked up and tried to find anybody who was a wedding planner or a, you know, special occasions. And I got two jobs. One working at a large company in their sort of corporate events department, which, you know, was a great job. I got offered a lot of money and benefits, but it didn't exactly hit the spot. And I got another job working for a two person wedding planning company at $18,000 plus commission. And I said, you know, I'm gonna try that one. So I really started to sort of piece my life back together by really fixing and thinking about other people's celebrations and being an integral part of it. And that soothes me in a lot of ways. And it also, you know, it helped heal me. And I thought, you know, well, maybe by like osmosis someday I'll be able to experience this for myself. So that was kind of my first thoughts into how to heal my soul from the worst thing that could happen.

Wow.

Wow. Eventually, my business acumen came back in. I found a different way of doing business within my industry. And then that was my business plan that rolled out from there.

Wow.

But I went for passion and I went for enjoyment, and I went for true meaning in My life as like a calling.

Yeah.

And you know, then I found the business in it.

I'm at a loss for words because I've never heard somebody take such a tragic event and turn it around that way in that direction, which is unbelievable.

That was pretty. And the fact that, I mean, I. No one knew. My employees didn't know, my clients didn't know, my friends that I met.

You kept it hidden, you hit it.

Nobody knew. And I mean, in my book, I talk about these, you know, crazy things I did to myself to sort of control, punish, but yet remind. And all these things I had to do because my body was full of scars and how I detected these things, but also the juxtaposition of these insane over the top events, you know, that I planned on the outside of these crazy funny stories. And it was almost like a Sex in the City meets about plan our life. But my inner self was so juxtaposed that nobody would ever know from looking at me really who I was. It taught me a lot about judgments, taught me a lot about never ever making a judgment call on anybody. Taught me a lot about life.

And you never know someone's story, you never know their background, you never know where they're coming from.

Yep. I mean, you know, there's a couple of quotes like, you know, you never know what battle people are dealing with inside, so just be kind. You know, it's like you just. Even someone who doesn't seem personable or gruff. And I'm sure I made so many mistakes of maybe being aloof or seeming unfriendly or intimidating. And I was so the opposite, you know, but nobody ever, ever knew because I just kept it buried.

Yeah. Wow. So bringing out your story and sharing it and talking about it, what did you find in that? Did that help you heal?

You know? You know, people asked me and I thought, well, when I write it, it would be cathartic, which actually was not the case because it was a project and I'm a perfectionist. And you know, it was a big story because I needed to get my words, my truth, my story out. And it was just still me.

Right.

So, you know, the writing part of it was just my own little moment, which I had been in myself for 20 years.

Yes.

It wasn't until I started to speak about it and I would talk about it on shows or, you know, in front of 3000 person audience where sometimes I could say it and I was looking at a movie, I had no emotional connection to it because that's how it was in My mind. And once in a while I would start talking and all of a sudden my throat would catch and I would start to cry, which was so incredibly, like, horrifying, mortifying, humiliating and humbling. And it was an incredible lesson for me because when I showed my vulnerability and my pain, it was unbelievable. The outpouring of people that wanted to hug emotionally or, you know, intellectually or physically hug me and share themselves. And how it really made me take an exhale, probably for the first time in years and years and years.

You know, it's amazing. I feel that there is most people that we come across that have that controller high drive, you know, control, control, control personality. People will tend to view them as, you know, they're arrogant or they're. They don't have feelings, or they put them in this bubble of like, they'll do anything at all costs. And.

Oh, yeah, I think I was probably. I think I was probably in that for people that would just. Yeah, view me, you know, I was. And especially in business. I mean, I was all business. I started my company when I was 25 years old. I had, you know, it blew up. I mean, I flipped business model. I went on my own. Three years later, I was doing $8 million of business. I had all these employees. I went entrepreneur year sponsored by Ernst and Young. I mean, it just. Yeah. I didn't even have time to stop and think about how to be. I didn't know how to be.

Yeah. And what's so interesting is people will judge that. They see that. And what I've also found, and you've probably noticed this too, is that the people that fit that profile, that usually it's because of a pain, it's because of something. So now they are protecting and they are protecting themselves and others. So they jump into that. And when you open up, the vulnerability and the share and you're authentic and you tell, it's amazing the heart belt that comes from that and how people view you differently then.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, I mean, I think even after the book came out and I was doing all these talking, talking, you know, shows and speeches, I think I. That was one more thing that I could get caught up in. Still not really feel, you know, it was just another project. It was another thing to plan. It was another goal. And because you don't have to deal.

With your own feelings because you're doing that.

Absolutely. And I really went from goal to goal to goal without breathing. I don't even think I. I don't even think I reveled in what I had created or my successes. I mean, I rolled out my company into five offices, five cities. I mean, and I just. Whenever I received something or got something, I didn't even stop to reflect. I just was like, next. You know, I call it, like, I kind of ran from fu. Energy, you know, to this. To this person. And I was always like, I'm here, God damn it, and I'm gonna prove it. I'm going to be better. You know? And that was so exhausting. I mean, I was a body in motion. I was inertia. Until, of course, you know, you hit the proverbial wall, and then everything crumbles. So, you know, and I would imagine.

When you were in that other spot, the chase, the nothing's enough, and I'm just going to be all business. Jennifer, I would imagine that you probably frowned upon. Maybe I'm wrong, but it frowned upon, like, oh, that person's weak if they need therapy, or they're like, get over it. I've done this.

Did you ever have that? No. Which is really interesting. I never judged anyone else's pain because I. I knew. And everyone deals in their own way. Yeah.

Well, it's unbelievable. So then you realize. Okay. So you realize that your pattern that you were chasing, creating.

Afraid. Yeah. Just terrified that I would. Yeah. Fully have a nervous breakdown. I mean, people that knew, you know, said if you moved to Iowa and lived in a silo, nobody would blame you. And I thought, well, what kind of life is that? Like running and hiding forever.

Yeah.

You know, that's not me. And if I become that, then, you know, what's it all for?

So how did you change that pattern when you recognize that? Because now you've, you know, you develop years of that chase. And knowing that new identity, how do you. And you start seeing, this isn't working.

This is.

This isn't what I want.

How do you shift and change that?

Because that's. It almost becomes its own addiction that. That you don't know how to not chase and create and build.

Yes, exactly. Well, interestingly enough, this huge sort of shift. I mean, I was doing a lot outwardly, I guess. You know, I mean, I was in really good shape. I would go to sort of seminary things. I did a lot on my business and became very informed and educated and studied. I mean, I went to a program. I got into a program called Birthing of Giants, which was held in partnership with mit. And, you know, so for me, it was like, focus, focus, focus. But it wasn't until I had twin Boys. And it wasn't until my sons were about a year old that, you know, the other sort of shoe dropped in my life. Because I always say, you know, once something bad happens, it's not like your name is plucked out of the fishbowl of never happen again. Throw it over. There you are, right back in that bowl with everyone else. I mean, you know. And so my son, one of my. I have twins. They're very fraternal. But one of my sons, longer story, but he lost a lot of his hair when he was one, and then it came back, and then he. It happened again when he was 2. And after really going everywhere in the world to try to fix this and control it, of course, he was diagnosed with alopecia, which a lot of people don't know about, but it's an autoimmune where your hair sort of comes and goes. And here I was, you know, I've had my before and after in my life, which is what I call it, sort of the before attack and after the tap. And here he was at two and a half years old, completely bald now, and he was gonna have his before and after.

Yeah.

So I am literally watching my son go through something traumatic, but it's not traumatic to him. He had no idea if he had hair or not. He was two and a half, happy kid. But for me, I was slowly losing my mind with every hair that fell out. I mean, if I could have willed his hair to grow, I took on a whole new mission, you know.

Well, you took on a life of control to protect you, and now you couldn't control this.

Exactly. So I went into some sort of funk, but, you know, still, like, doing my job and running around and smiling, but not really. Like, every moment in my head, every thought was, oh, my God, my kids bald. What am I going to do? How am I going to fix this? Ever? Going to have a life? Is it going to be teased? What's going to happen? And I started to journal, and what was coming up was a lot of pain for me from years before that I never dealt with. I never even let myself feel. And so once I started to journal and document this, it actually really helped me because I started to see, oh, my God, I thought, I have evolved in these 20 years. And here I am ignoring the elephant in the room, which is exactly what my parents did for me.

Wow, that's insightful.

Oh, my God, I am creating this again. Again. And thank God he was only, you know, two and a half, but I caught it. And I thought I have to stop this right now. Because if I bring my shame, and that's really what it was. I felt victimized. I felt shame because I never talked about it. So. So internal that if I bring my shame into his little life, then all he's going to know is shame. Because his only reality is my reality. And if I make it okay for him, it will be okay for all of us. But it was a huge paradigm shift for me. It changed everything. Because as much as someone can say, you know, you can't control anything, you have to let go. But my. I mean, my power and my control was in the fight. Like someone said, you can't have it for this price. I was like, oh, yes, I can. You know, somebody said, you can't open up the city. I was like, you watch me, you know? Yeah, I was that girl. And what I realized with my son after I had, you know, 25, you know, hysterically crying on the floor, sort of nervous breakdowns, was that I thought my, you know, my power was in the fight. And I realized that the real power is in the surrender. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yep. I mean, I used to spin soul cycle run, and the last mile, I would sprint like, until death. I mean, I almost not be breathing, but I was like, I can do this. Like, I would torture myself, you know? Yeah. In so many ways. In food and exercise, in my rules, in my. I mean, it was. And then I realized, like, what's it doing? All the stuff that I did. I can't control my kids hair.

Right.

There's nothing I can do to worry about something that may or may not happen. So I have to let this go and accept that whatever is going to be, I can approach it from fear or I can approach it from joy. Because you can't control it. All you can do is control the ride until you're there. And it changed everything for me. And I realized I needed to start to write this down. I didn't tell my story because I thought, wow, it's time for me to share. I mean, I would. It was 20 years. I would have kept it a secret, probably forever. But what really made me write it down was the fact that I didn't realize the cycle that I was creating and that, you know, realizing that we can't control anything but our sort of attitude was the lesson. And so, you know, if. If my sort of story or thoughts or emotions could help somebody else figure that out. Because I was a memoir reader. Reader. When I was in such destitute pain, I read a lot And I read a lot of memoirs because I identified with whoever was having the trauma. Yeah. I was like, okay, there's somebody else who's felt what I felt and it's real. And so I thought, well, you know, if I write down my story and anybody can get something from it, well, you know, then they will. So it was this sort of weird confluence of my business really taking off and had been, you know, I created this new industry, but also the fact that from what happened, I became an event planner and I never spoke about it. So it was just this weird sort of. Yeah. Triangle of all these things coming together. And it was. It was the right time for me. Wow.

So many just powerful lessons and interesting, like, perspectives that came from something so tragic and so painful. And it's interesting. I just love your perspective on how that's really, truly shaped your life and your decisions and even your son with his diagnosis. Just the lessons and how that's brought you so full circle. How do today now, like, how do you control both those instincts? Like, how do you control the desire to push down emotions or ignore pain? And also how do you surrender to the need to control? How do you have to remind yourself? Is it.

I do. I mean, you know, my tendency is to just swallow, you know, or believe that I can outwit out, think out, perform, you know, some uncontrollable thing. I mean, listen, I went into event planning, right. It's the illusion of control. Like, you set up every single detail and it rains on your tent. I mean, what can you do, you know?

Yeah.

My favorite saying is, we plan and God laughs. I mean. Yeah. You know, so. But that, that. Not only did I find the perfect profession because it soothes me to see people laughing and dancing and kissing and hugging and enjoying, but all the little controlling of the details and being in the center of it and suited my personality completely, you know, and also soothing other people saying, you know, I got it and you can count on me and all of those things. I mean, it's definitely built for a great career and business, but it. It took its toll on me emotionally for a very long time. It is still difficult for me to be needy. Huh? Did you hear that? For me to be needy. I didn't even say to need people because it feels like a bad thing.

Yeah.

Wow, that was such a slip. How funny is that? Not funny. Haha. But, you know, it's still difficult for me to ask for help sometimes. It's still difficult for me to say, you know, you can call people and say, I just need right now. It's not my go to place, but I have been able to find people and situations where I can be vulnerable. It's still sometimes yucked for me, but I'm better at it. And when I find myself getting into that headspace, the first thing I do is I breathe. Because it's really shocking how sitting down and just honestly taking a deep breath to calm your body and your neurons and your nerves and your breath. And also, you know, I think I almost did not have that luxury of breathing. I mean, I really, really at one point looked at my surgeon in the hospital and I said, tell my family I love them. I mean, I really thought I was.

Yeah.

And so when I take a deep breath, you know, and I realize I'm here, I'm breathing, it's all okay. And that I can only do what I can do and that, you know, I have a very tricky relationship with fear. So I have a different way of dealing with it. I really just have to like lower my pulse and blood pressure and just in myself first. And then I'm like, okay, what can I do that's useful? And, and you know, worrying about it. I don't go backwards. You know, even with arguments now, like, you know, I forgive, I let it go. I don't even remember it. I get into a fight with somebody or an argument and I say, oh, that really hurt my feelings or why, why? You know, did something happen? Or I will tell them, oh, why'd you do that? That really hurt my feelings or something. Most people are really taking aback. Yeah, because you know, most people avoid conflict. And yeah, I say, you know, I'm only in it for the conflict resolution. Who cares about like I'm doing, not.

Trying to be right. You're not playing right. You just want to resolve it.

Yeah, I just want it over. Because literally when I say what's on my mind and we come to a I'm sorry, I'm sorry, or an like, Jen, you did this and you didn't realize it. And I feel horribly because I would never maliciously hurt somebody. But you know, people are self absorbed and I've been in, I've only had so much bandwidth sometimes and I have hurt people and I don't realize it, you know, and so from there, once it's sort of okay. I don't even remember a bad thing anymore. I'm, I literally move on. Yeah, I just don't, I don't have enough energy to carry bad juju.

I say, I do have a question.

About like, why did you choose to.

Do a reality show? Because that's like the opposite of control to me. You're not control how they edit. You can all control how you're portrayed. You are very open and out there.

What.

How did that happen? And what was your conversation around that?

Yes, great questions. So originally, Originally, originally, before there was even a Real Housewife, there were different shows that were being, you know, sort of talked about in Bravo. And one was called the Real Working Women of New York City. And they went to myself and some of my real friends who were moms and running businesses. And we really thought it was more going to be like just a really how to documentary kind of thing, not a reality show. Sure. And then the title changed to other things and, you know, I was out. Never thought about it again. Years later, you know, my girlfriend had said, you should. They're recasting. You should go on this show. And I said, what? Like, I had never watched it since.

Yeah.

And this is before my book. This was at a time where, you know, the whole world was falling apart financially. Yep. And I had three babies pretty much. And my ex husband was at a firm at that time that survive. And so I was like, okay, mama's got to go back to work right now. And I wasn't thinking about the book necessarily, but I thought, well, I need a little heft to get my business back on track. And if corporations aren't doing events right now, I need to get some exposure or social events. You know, I was going on the first season was really just me. I was an event planner for one of the women. And I was, you know, not going to get into the drama. I was hired to be me, not to be, you know, a housewife with an apple. And I thought, well, you know, the only thing I can control in this situation is my mouth. So if I just stay away from the drama and do not get involved, I'll be the most boring human being on the show. But, you know, I'll make it through. Which I did. I mean, my friends that know me laugh hysterically and they're like, why don't you speak up? And I said, that was not the purpose, you know.

Yeah, because you knew it could be taken and edited or changed around or who knows?

I've had those experiences with other things where, you know, you basically sign that. They can take any sentences you say, put it in a different order, have somebody else say them. I mean, you know, I was very worried also, at the same time, I had started writing, you know, my Treatment and journaling. So I thought, well, you know, it's not a bad time to at least just shop a deal and see. And when I was talking about, you know, my book, I never mentioned the show in my book. And on the show, I never mentioned my book. You know, most people go on the show to promote something, and I was there to promote, yes. What I did for a living, but not the worst thing that ever happened to me and not my book. These were completely separate. And so when I was, you know, meeting with publishers, they said, this is a real book, Jen. Like, this is a real book. And, you know, we kind of need you to be in your job and in your life. And I said, okay. And, you know, I had a great time. I have to tell you, it was like, great and stressful. I mean, it was a bucket list and a check. I mean, I had never, ever done anything like this before. It was definitely an experience, probably the most stressful of my life. And I was, you know, happy to say goodbye and go back to my party planning life. Yeah, it was quite, quite funny.

Wow. Wow. Oh, my gosh. I love your stories. I love your journey. So your event coordinating business. Now you had mentioned to me before we started recording that it was offline initially, and that's all you knew. It was before the Internet. How did. Yeah, you became cutting edge with bringing that online.

You know, it's really funny, I'll tell you. It's really. People think, oh, you're a party planner or you're a caterer or, you know, and I just smile and say yes, because that's the short answer. You know, the longer answer was, you know, the 90s, there was no computer, AOL, Google, anything, and everything was, you know, Yellow Pages. And so here I was working for a company that was doing events. And, you know, I started to think and my job was sort of to cultivate a corporate market. So when I was calling all these companies saying, you know, I'd love to plan your event, hire me, they would say, honey, you know, you just missed the 80s first. And I was like, yeah, I've heard. And they said, well, as much as we would love to hire you, because I can't leave my desk and I have no idea, like, where to bring my Christmas party or my partner's dinner. We just don't have the money. I would have to be very creative on how to sort of get them to pay my fee. And I would sit with CEOs sometimes and say, well, what are you paying in overtime for? You know, either your assistant or HR or somebody to plan the party. But it was. It was a. It was a difficult.

So, yeah, you're really taking on responsibility and control for everyone and everything. Like, not only are you doing this stuff, you're. Now you're taking on how are they going to pay for me? Which is. It's interesting, you really.

Working on commission for this company. So I wasn't bringing in accounts like I was going to make $18,000, which was not the plan. So what happened is, you know, after two and a half years, I really started to build up quite a following. And it was an interesting time because while I was doing this, I got to know all the venues. You know, I was young. I started doing what I did at 22, 23. So I was out every night. I was at the clubs. I was, you know, learning about venues. And they would say, you know, Jennifer, we're dying over here. Bring us a party. We'll. We'll upgrade their bar. We'll give them an extra, you know, entree. And I thought, huh, These corporations and these nonprofits need venues and places to have their party. And all of these unique spaces and lofts and nightclubs and private rooms have no way of reaching these people. It was a very fragmented industry. So we basically. I started the first marketplace. I said, okay, flip the business model. I said that I will be free to the corporations or the nonprofit and I will be supported by the vendors. So it was, you know, a monthly fee. And they, you know, I was like, okay, let's see how this works. And by month three, I had hundreds of venues calling me saying, you know, how do we get on your list? I was like, you pay. I mean, I was 25 years old. I had no idea what I was doing. And, you know, I would bring like a $60,000 party, and the guy would say, here's 500 bucks, kid. Thanks. And I was like, huh, wow, that doesn't really seem. I mean, but this is how it started. And so, you know, I. I started 25. By 28, I was doing $8 million of business. And I was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. But, you know, we created a marketplace. And my, My. I was so. It's funny because I say I'm not computer literate at all, but yet I customized a database, which was a salesforce before there was a salesforce. I created my own client management software because I tracked every single thing about the event. So when I would see, you know, a new venue that could fit 200 people, I had in my database every party for 200 people so I could directly market a space to them. I mean, I created this whole sort of turning wheel when nobody was doing this too.

Like, before we even started recording, we were making a little joke with each other about not liking technology or being that. But it goes to show, when you've got a passion and purpose and drive on something, you'll figure it out.

Like you do. I didn't know how to create it or code it, but I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and I knew exactly what I needed for my customers, my clients, the data and how we could be most useful to both. My clients, right, because my clients are the venues, because they're paying me, and my clients are the end users, because they call me. So we were managing. You know, we were sort of building two marketplaces at the same time and being the conductor between them. It was a lot, but it was great. I mean, it was great. Still is. So that's, you know, 50% of my business still. And the other 50% is full on consulting because, you know, it's funny, I got away from that. But people say, well, you know, we don't want you to just find the venue. We don't want you to just, you know, dump us off at a place. We want you to plan the whole thing. And I remember, I was like, well, that's not my business plan. Yeah, Charge you. They were like, charge us?

Yeah.

So then I was like, okay, you know, we started. Now we do events all over the country, all over the world. We do really large clients, and we have both sides of my business.

This is incredible. And it's save the date.com, correct?

It's save the date.com. yeah.

That's amazing. That's amazing.

Wow.

What a journey. What a journey. And I just love how you turned such pain into such purpose. You really did, in an interesting way, but you did. Yeah.

I mean, it's a survival story. I mean, it was a survival of my soul.

You know, I. I almost feel like survival isn't even the right word for you. It's like an empowerment story. Like, survival. To me, you're so much more than survival. Like, you've changed the trajectory of, like, not just your life, but other people. As an example. And I look at you as an empowerment expert. Really.

Like, you know, I used to. I used to stand in the middle of one of my holiday parties, right? There were, like, 2,000 people, and all these people were dancing and laughing and singing. And then I thought about the commerce, right? All the waiters and the waitresses and the flowers and the. All these people that were enjoying and all these people that were employed by something I did. And I cannot tell you the joy and the pride that it gave me. It really saved my life. You know, my company really saved my life.

That's why I see empowerment from you. Because Survivor to me feels very isolating and alone. Like, you just get right and you're so much bigger than that and so much more than that. And I think it's just, you're such a great example.

I call it a thriver.

I like driver. Yes. Survivor. Well, I'm not going to change your whole.

I won't change your whole, your whole.

Gig and what you've been saying, obviously. But I just, when I listen to you, I'm like, she's not a survivor. She's so much more than that.

Thank you.

It's really takes one to no one incredible journey. I'm going to ask where people can find you in your book and everything else. And I could interview for hours. I just love talking with you. I do want to know if somebody's listening right now and they're going through their own personal rock bottom. I mean, really anything. And they've been victimized. They've been, whatever it is, their own personal rock bottom. Knowing what you know now, whether it's how you did it or what you would do now, like, knowing what you know now, what would you tell somebody if you were to tell them, like kind of three things that they can do to start healing and leveling up and creating something from nothing.

Yes. I mean, by the way, if anyone is going through anything listening, please email me. I return every email that I get. It's all these years later and it really, it really helps me. And I, I cry. Like, I have such empathy that I really, I really, you know, would love to hear from anybody that can go on my. Yeah. On my, you know, Instagram and my Facebook and they can go into save the day dot com. There's always like a, you know, talk to us or whatever. But I would say really the first thing is to, you know, I would say breathe. But I mean breathe. If you extend it into. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. You know, you're allowed to have your moment and your pain and, you know, people want to try to take it away because they love you and they feel for you and they really want to make you better, but sometimes it doesn't help it. It's a weird place to be. So just, you know, honor yourself and, you know, give yourself sort of a. I don't want to say pity party, but for a second, let yourself just feel whatever it is and then say, okay. Like I said, I had my moment of enough, you know, and if it's writing your story down or everything you want or everything you're mad at, and you literally burn it, you flush it, you bury it, you throw it into the sea, I think sometimes just getting it out on paper really helped me, you know, and even if it's your wants and your wishes, and I think it's just a start of writing things down, because I think, you know, kind of what gets measured gets done. So really putting it down, and I think that really understanding that things happen so outside of our control and forgiving yourself for whatever situation you think you were to blame, because I thought about. What did I do? Did I look at him? Did I wear something? I thought about this for years and years. What could I have done? Did I hear him that, you know, and disappoint? It happened.

Yeah.

You know, and do you know or.

Care what happened to him, by the way?

Do you. Oh, yes. It was a big trial. Three years later, he was convicted of attempted murder, and he was sentenced to 27 years without parole, which will be. It was last May, but he's up for parole. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, that's another emotional sticking point for me, but I'm okay, you know. But, yes, he was put away. So I did get vindication in some way. A lot of. A lot of people don't, but it's really, really sort of forgiving yourself and then finding a path to move on and trying to just really understand that it's a paradigm flip, that you can't control it and that you can't go backwards. You know, that we all have the power to just breathe it out and let it go. Because if not, it is a cloud that we are never going to be able to get out of to see the light. You know, I mean, I heard this story. I'm sure other people have heard it, but, you know, there's different iterations of it. But I remember hearing, you know, if there's, like, the angel on one side and the devil on the other of your shoulders, you know which one wins. And of course, it's the one you feed. So if you fear, like, you know, if you feed the fear and you fear the darkness, well, it's going to win. And if you just, you know, put it away and just feed the light and the future and what you can do. You know, life shifts and you eventually, you know, get there. So, I mean, everyone's journey is totally different. But you know, I think sometimes to honor yourself and realize that, like, you're okay, you're here, it happened, it was real, and now you have the control to just say goodbye to it too. Yeah.

So powerful.

Wow. Oh, and my book is called I never promised you a goodie bag, which is really funny.

I never promised you a goodie bag.

Yes. As the event planner, you know, people will kill themselves for a goodie bag on the way out the door. And it's like, just enjoy where you are now. Stop looking for the present at the end, you know, Be here now.

Yeah. A memorabil life through events that once the ones you plan and the ones that you don't.

Yep, exactly. Wow.

Where do you want people to look for you, find you? You said saveisate.com you can get her book, I'm assuming anywhere really.

On Amazon? Yep. And my Instagram is Jen Gilbert nyc, so you can always find me there. Direct message.

I just followed you right now.

Thank you. And my company is at Save the date nyc, so we're around. And really I'm happy to speak to anybody or help or discuss or whatever.

You're amazing, Jennifer. Thank you so much for this. This was incredible.

Thank you so much. Thank you for helping me talk about it because every time I do, it makes me a little bit lighter.

Thanks for leveling up with us today. Please share this episode if you found it helpful so others can join in. And don't forget to hit that subscribe so you don't miss out on future shows. And if you would leave me a five star review. I appreciate those so much. I read all of them and it's how I know that I'm giving you information that you find valuable. And come interact with me over on Instagram at Natalie Jill Fit. I read all the direct messages and comments over there. Make it a great day. Creating everything from nothing.