082: Conscious Communications with Mary Shores

Hi, I'm Natalie Jill, fat loss expert turned high performance coach. When odds are stacked against us, how do we shift and create everything from nothing? How do we level up when we aren't feeling it yet or we've had a big setback? On this podcast, I'll be talking to some of the most inspiring and courageous men and women on this planet who at their worst learned how to achieve success greater than they ever dreamed possible. Leveling up and creating everything from nothing. Mary Shores was a very young single mom when she had to face the unimaginable. Her daughter's birth defects would prove to be fatal. After the loss of her daughter and almost no support system to turn to, she had some tough choices to make. She found within herself the strength to rebuild by founding an industry changing business. She now inspires others with lessons of resiliency and empowerment nationwide. Today, Mary Shores is a successful entrepreneur with a multimillion dollar heart centered business. And she's a best selling hay house author of the book titled Conscious Communications. I go deep today with Mary and uncover exactly how she leveled up and created everything from nothing. Today I'm so excited to chat with Mary Shores who she is a successful entrepreneur with a multimillion dollar heart centered business and a best selling hay house book called Conscious Communications. But that's not always who she was. Mary, thank you so much for being here. I would love for you to take us back to who you were before all of this.

Wow. First of all, it's my pleasure to be here. I'm so excited and I think that your show is amazing. Thank you so much for having me. I think in order to understand like all of those things that you just mentioned in the intro is to understand where I came from. And I'll give you just a brief snapshot and we can take it from there. But by the time I was 16, I was already living out on my own. I would say I was living in a wooden box, and that's not metaphorical. I literally bought a trailer in a trailer park that was a 10x50 box made out of wood and I bought it for $200. So this was probably in about 1980. 88 or 89.

Okay.

Okay. Then by the time I was 19, I had become a single mother. But there was lack of oxygen at birth. And so what this looked like is that my daughter was born with severe and profound brain damage. So she was blind, she was deaf, she was unable to suck a bottle or to swallow, so she had to have a gastronomy tube inserted like surgically implanted into her stomach. But she was also on full life support, so like she couldn't breathe on her own. There were machines keeping her alive. Now I just want to remind you that I was 19 years old.

Oh my gosh. So you've already got that you're a single mom, you're young and now you're dealing or you're grasping that and now.

You'Ve got this right. And it's so true. So Haley actually lived for a year and a half and she did pass away from her injuries. But I think that, you know, at this time, I'm 20, I really don't. I didn't understand that she was terminal. You know, I like, once she got off that life support, I was not mature enough or developmentally ready to understand what I was going through. And I really want to, like for your audience to understand where I came from is to understand this picture of I was living in a children's hospital for a year and a half and I didn't have any money, I had nothing. So I would sleep on the emergency room floor. I was seeing things on a daily basis that were critical care, life or death. So we're talking about children in the burn units, we're talking about cancer victims, we're talking about families who came in the middle of the night into the emergency room and more than one of their children were in a vehicle. They don't know who was fatal and who wasn't.

Wow.

And this was my day to day existence.

What was going through your mind at that time? Were you just reacting to the daily stuff? Were you feeling like, why is this happening to me? What was the story in your head?

All that stuff, all of that. And you know, you're in such a. I'm sure you're familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Yeah.

So you're really in the bottom rung, you know, daily. I didn't know where I was going to eat food. You know, all I knew was it was very simple. I mean, I was in the hospital. My daughter was in a like an infant unit specific to brain injuries. And so I could be there with her, but it was two hours away from home. So things were very primitive, like thinking about, okay, how am I going to get gas money, what am I going to do about my job, how am I going to eat today? This was on the level of my thought process back at the time.

Did you have family at all? I'm imagining your 19 year old friends didn't know what to do with this.

Oh, that's so right. And, you know, that also takes me to, like, another part of this. By the time I was 21 and Haley had passed away, by this time I considered myself pretty much a college dropout where my friends were beginning to, like, move on with their lives. You know, they were getting college degrees, they were graduating with bachelor's or starting a master's program. They were getting those beginning stages of their corporate careers going. And I just felt like this broken person now. I did have some family support around at the time, but not much because, you know, clearly if I'm out of my own at 16, there's a disconnect there with the family that doesn't just happen. So I did have a little bit of support from my mother, which was amazing and I really, really appreciated it. But I think that it wasn't stable. That's how I put it. Yeah, there wasn't. It was missing a stability.

Gosh.

Oh, my gosh.

So how do you even begin to heal and climb out of that?

There's a lot of things, and I think that it wasn't with respect to, like my daughter's. What happened to my daughter in her death. I honestly probably didn't start to even process that until I started writing the book. So the. Because if you think about when you're 19 and you're 20 and probably even much older than that, you don't possess this skill set to actually grieve. If you think about like grief as a process when you're 19, you don't emotionally have the capability of being able to process that. So the reality is I didn't. And then I went from like 21 year old college dropout to by the time I was 24, founding this business that I started launching it and it growing to an eight figure business.

And that's just incredible. And I know that might feel now like that was like an overnight thing, but I know that there was a lot of work in there. Where did that vision come from? Did it. Was it a conscious decision to start it? Did you have a big vision for it? How did you fall into that?

So nowadays I'm definitely a big vision person. But if I'm being really honest and I. And here's the thing about me when I go on podcast, I love the concept of just being as open, as raw, and as vulnerable and telling the truth. Yes. Okay. So while I would love to tell you this, like, big empowering story about how I had this, like, you know, gold star vision and I was always walking towards my purpose in life. That would be such, like, not the truth, Right? So here's the truth, Natalie. The truth is I was flatlining. I had nowhere to go. I had. All my friends were doing well. I was working a job as a telemarketer, making a very low hourly range wage. I was good at the job, but I felt like I was never going to live up to my potential. And I felt like I was never going to be given chances in life or be able to fully utilize any kind of opportunity. And I saw that there would always be that gap there.

But you want to. There's something critical that you just said, and I'm just curious about that.

You.

You just mentioned I would never be able to live up to my full potential. So did you, somewhere in your mind, believe that you had a greater potential in you while you were having these thoughts?

I think I felt like now looking back, it must have been okay. But when you're, like, 22, it's not necessarily what you think. It's more I was thinking, wow, I'm going to be stuck making $10 an hour.

Got it.

And my friends are making, like, $30,000 a year or $40,000 a year. I noticed this gap, and I thought the difference between me and them is they have a college degree and I don't, so what can I do? I can start my own business.

So it was like, I can't apply for a job because I don't have a college degree, so I'll just do my own. I like that.

Well, that is.

I mean, maybe it's not the vision that we're speaking of now that we would have, but it was a vision of another way.

Yes. So I believe that because I had been through some things in life, I believe that my risk tolerance was wide open and that I really didn't care so much if I failed. In fact, I don't even know that it dawned on me to fail. So there was some things happening in my family and my parents. There was a business that they had had that was kind of going down the tubes fast. The writing was all over the wall that it was going to be bankrupt. And I wrote a letter to some of the clients, and I just said, hey, would you give me a chance to do this work? Which is so funny because I really thought I knew how to do the work, and I so did not know, like, anything. Right.

Were you just going to figure it out as you went? Did you have a plan? What was your.

So you got to picture it, you know, like you know, this person, 23, 24 year old person, thinks they know everything in life, right? So no, I had no plan because I thought I knew everything.

Okay.

And then, yeah, it's kind of funny because I remember I would go to, I had enough people tell me, yes. So like, for example, you know, three or four companies said, yeah, sure, you know, we'll give you a chance. Probably because I just didn't want to mess with having to go out, find someone else. And then I would be in a meeting and they would ask me a question. I would have no clue what they were talking about. Right.

So what did you do? How did you handle that?

I figured it out. You know, I was dedicated, I was hardworking. This is where a lot of my core values were really starting to come out. So I definitely have like a core value of accountability, a core value of integrity, of compassion, of all of these things. And they started to come out and I just really began to do the work. And one of the things that I did right from a super early stage was I was documenting everything. So I love how Gary Vee always talks about documenting because that to me is the difference between somebody like me making it and somebody like me not making it. Now, I know there's a million other things, but like, one thing I can give myself credit for, that I really do did right? And one thing I absolutely know for sure, that was the foundation of my success, was I wrote everything down, I documented everything, and I created procedures and processes before I even knew that was a thing.

And that's such a gap for so many entrepreneurs. Like they have to figure that out later because they don't do that. So they go back to trying to make an SOP or what's the plan, what's the process? But that's cause they, they're just flying at the seat of their pants every day. So. So that's impressive that you found. How did you even get those first clients though? Because if you really didn't, you knew what you were doing and you didn't know how you were going to do it. Like who taught you? Or how did you even know to go ask for the sale or the business?

Okay, so true story. I used to get dressed up every day. I had rented this office and I used to go in my power outfit with my high heels and looked super cute, right? Because I really thought the secret to success was this. You have to look the part you want to play.

Okay.

Look, I mean, it's so funny now when I say this because if you Saw me, most of the time I'm wearing, like, yoga clothes.

Yes. I live in yoga clothes, so I'm with you.

But like, hey, 1998, I was like, power suit, high heels, Melrose suit, short skirt. Yes, totally got it. And I would go sit in this office that I was renting for $600 a month. Okay. And I would sit at the desk and stare at the phone and wait for it to.

Oh, my gosh, this is crazy.

So.

But what was. What was the business idea? Like, what did you call it? How did you even know, like, who you wanted to call you?

So the business was and still is a collection agency. So here's like, an interesting twist, because the business that I own is a debt collection company. And I had had enough clients, my mom's previous clients, say yes to me, like, a few. That it gave me a little bit of work to start on.

Got it. Okay.

But I had these different concepts because what. What really I think catapulted my success was that I wanted to treat people differently in the debt collection. Real people that have a debt. And maybe it's because I had been on the other side of that spectrum, you know, because I had come from nothing, and I had nothing. And then I had this daughter, and I had, you know, millions and millions of dollars in medical bills, and I was on welfare. And, you know, things were about as. As. As dire and desperate as you could possibly imagine. Only because of circumstances in my family, I was put into a position to run a business that I probably had no business running, which was collecting debt from poor people.

Yeah, but what. I love this story because you're. You're so right. Like, most people run from those calls. They think that the people. It feels heartless. Right. Like somebody's really struggling. I mean, I'm sure there's people that are choosing not to pay, but there's a lot of people really struggling. And there you get the mean call threatening you. And you're right. And, you know, it feels very not compassionate. And here you are. You've been there on the other side. So you're already going into it with a heartfelt, felt way, I would imagine. And really connecting with people. I'm assuming it's so true.

And, like, I didn't understand it at the time, but, you know, it's. It's. When you look back in life, you can connect certain dots. I'm sure you've. You've experienced this by now, but, like, looking back, I totally see that. That it was so important to me that I Wanted to lift each one of these people up. And my goal quickly became that I wanted the next. Like, I literally had this defining moment where I was in my office. This was fast forward a few years, but I looked at the phone and I said, I just want the next person who calls to be happier at the end of the call. Now, I had no idea, like, the power of the intervention of the universe or whatever came to me in that moment. Because what happened over the next few years, I developed this communication strategy that one of the things, like, increased my revenue 34% in one year. And then I started to be able to help other companies with it. And, you know, now it's expanded to this thing where I understand the power of communication, that when we learn how to communicate properly, we have better relationships, we have better health, we have less stress, we have more opportunities, we're more productive. Because communication is at the foundation of everything in our lives.

Yes. So, okay, I've got a bunch of questions coming up for me. And the first and foremost one is when you say when we learn to communicate better, like, what. How do you feel that a debt collector or somebody should be communicating? Like, what is the right way to communicate with somebody?

One of the things is to understand, like, we have to understand human nature and we have to understand things like negativity bias and I'm a big neuro nerd. So all of the strategy that I built was like, around how the human brain works.

Okay.

And so for me, the way I learned it was that people that had a debt situation and really, whatever kind of business that you're in, it doesn't. It's not about debt. Right. But whatever business we're in, they're still triggering situations.

Right.

So it's about the trigger. Okay. And even in interpersonal or, you know, relationships in general, we get triggered. And so the first thing for us was to understand that when people are triggered, they're reacting from that lower part of their brain. So they're coming from that amygdala, they're coming from the fight or flight.

Yeah.

And that we weren't going to be able to solve anything while we're in this situation of fight or flight. And so my, like, whole I want them to fin happier goal led me down a path of figuring out, how can I make people feel happier with the limited amount of time that I have with them. Oh. And the answer was the first thing, and this was the one thing I did that increased the revenue significantly was I made a do not say list.

Ooh. And what were things that were on this list?

The do not say list. The original list was no, not can't, however, and unfortunately. Oh, boy.

That's like, everyone's words.

I know. Yeah.

So I'm sure you had to edit yourself continually as you're talking to people.

I went all in, girl. So I had to edit everybody else, but I was fully on board. Okay, now here's what happens. Here's a magical thing that happened when we eliminated those words. People call in and ask a question, and the answer is clearly no. You know?

Yeah, you have to go to, like, hmm, let me.

Wait, I have to put you on hold, you know? No, it wasn't. So what happened was the decision. See, it's like one little decision in life really determines the next set of doors that open up for you. Right. Because everything in life, it's like we're making choices that are determining the next set of choices that are going to happen in our life. So my choice or my decision that I made that I was very committed to, which was understanding that if I said these words to people, I was going to trigger them further. So how can I avoid these words? What can I say to trigger the parasympathetic meaning, like, I want to trigger their rest and digest, which is powerful because that puts them in the problem solving area of their brain.

Like and digest. I've never heard that. I like that.

I know they taught us the fight or flight, but they didn't teach us the rest and digest.

That's brilliant right there. Everyone talks about fight or flight. This is really incredible.

I just. You're so sweet. So this is the miracle thing that happens when you set your brain to a task it will deliver. And so when I made that decision that I wasn't going to say those words, what emerged over time was phrases that we could say instead.

Okay, okay.

And then these phrases, I began to call the words that work and the seeds that. The seeds of happiness. So it was like we said these little words and these little phrases that we could connect people from what their question was, which would originally be no, and then put them into a solution that they could be happy about. So if I could just give you, like, a super brief example, this might help. There's a missing step here, which is the power of validation. Okay. So one of the things is that you always want to validate what the other person is saying to you. So, Natalie, have you ever heard a podcast host. So of course you've been on the. Talking to someone and they're telling You. A long story. But have you ever, like, have you ever been listening to someone tell you a long story and you sort of interject into the situation or you're trying to move it forward, and next thing you know, they interrupt you go back to the story from the beginning and then add a whole bunch of details.

Of course. Okay.

It's the most annoying thing, isn't it? So what's happening is inside the human brain. It's like we have this checklist or we have these boxes, and in order to be able to emotionally move on in a conversation, we have to check the box that we've been heard.

Okay.

And so what happens oftentimes is if someone's telling us a story and we move on too quickly, they were not able to check that box that they were heard. And so they. What they do is they go on repeat with that story.

Yes. And they get louder.

Yes. And add more details and talk faster.

Yeah.

Yes. Or slower. And they're probably getting frustrated because they're not feeling heard.

Totally.

And this is a basic human need. We all have this human need.

Yes. Did you literally go to, like, I hear you, or what I hear you say, did you. Was it like an active listening thing?

Yes. What I did was I came up with a list of validation responses. These are things like, I can totally see why that would concern you.

Which already suit. Just you saying that, like, puts people at peace. Right.

And you know why? Is because when you hear the words, no, not can't, won't, however, and unfortunately, you develop cortisol and adrenaline. But when you hear, like, oh, I can totally understand why this is concerning you, you're creating vasopressin, oxytocin, and serotonin and dopamine.

Wow, this is brilliant. So simple, but brilliant. No one thinks of it.

No, I know this is because I'm a neuro nerd.

I wonder too, like, just going back to your daughter, when you were dealing with what you were dealing with, I'm assuming you probably had an experience with medical people, like, whoever, doing both of these sides of things, like having compassion for you and using that language, and then people that were using the words that trigger.

Yeah. So actually, and this is one of the things that I notice in today's world, and like, really where a lot of my work is coming from is because have you ever noticed that there's a huge disconnect between, say, a company's brand promise and what the end user really experiences?

All the time.

All the time. Right. And so my theory, and where I'M working at currently is to just to teach companies, like, the power of creating their communication, brand style to match their brand promise. So that if you are telling your customer, hey, we are all about compassionate healthcare, but then your patient satisfaction surveys show that the person doesn't feel that well, there's a disconnect.

Totally, totally.

So going back here to this story, if you tell someone the validation, let's say that you just called me and you want to book an appointment with me, okay? So I could say, oh, I'm sorry, Natalie, I don't have any openings for two weeks. Right?

And that's the trigger. Cortisol. Mad, annoyed.

And really, that's not super annoying. Like, on the scale of, like, problems in life, getting an appointment with Mary is not that big of a deal.

But it could be if I'm in desperate or I'm quick and I want it now.

But it's. The thing is, you're not even aware that it has an effect on you. Very subliminal. But what if I said, oh, Natalie, you're in luck. I've got an opening in two weeks.

Totally changes the whole energy.

Yeah, totally changes the whole energy. Right? Now you take that same example, but you apply it to something very vulnerable, okay? Like a healthcare situation or like a debt situation or like a conversation that you need to have with your mother or your child or your friend. And that's, you know, my example was just, you know, something fluffy. But in reality, these kind of conversations where we understand, you know, oh, I totally see why this concerns you. You know, how often are we talking to a. And they're telling us this devastating thing, and then we respond with, well, at least yes, you know, because that kind of response elicits an argument. Because now the person you're communicating feels that they have to prove their trauma to you.

Yes. This is brilliant. This is brilliant. I'm on page five of notes, by the way, so I hope listeners are writing down. This is incredible. I'm going to switch my whole language around things. This is just like. I mean, I even think of when I'm booking podcast guests, I get booked up and it's like, I say that all the time. I don't have an opening for two months, but what if I say, you're in luck, I have an opening in two months. You know what?

And they should be thrilled because I think getting on your show is a big, huge honor. And if you had said that to me, honestly, I would not have given it two thoughts that it was two months in the Future.

Yeah, but it's. It's funny because it feels bad for the person saying no, and it also feels bad for the person receiving it. And the way you reframed it is incredible.

I love that. Little reframes for everything. And so we had to take that do not say list. We had to stretch our brains, like, literally make our brain sweat with ideas of how to overcome these obstacles.

Okay.

What I would suggest, if your audience is entrepreneurial or they have a business or everyone has a job, everyone has. We're all communicating. But take your top 10 pain points. Or maybe even just. Let's just do three. So take your top three pain points. So whether it's with your business, this would be like the most repetitive things that customers call about all the time.

Okay.

And then just figure out the solution for that. And then once you're ready, you can just do your validation. Like, customer calls in. The answer really is no, but we don't want to say that. So we would use the validation like, oh, I can see this is really important to you. I'm so glad you called. The great news is. Or you could say, you'll be happy to know that currently we offer xyz, bdf and like, just explain that to them. Because one of the other things that's happening to us, and it's happening all the time, is as a consumer, I am sick and tired of everyone telling me what they can't do for me. Like, how often times have you called some company and you, like, ask for something that you think is really relatively reasonable, and they're like, no, I'm sorry, our policy, blah, blah, blah, you know, f you.

Yep.

Just. You're almost dumbfounded sometimes of how do they stay in business?

You should train every company in the world. This isn't brilliant. It's really. It's so simple. And I'm just sitting here thinking, like, companies that I like, they may not even realize they're doing this. But like, you. You get that one customer service person or that one helpful person and they are doing that. Maybe they don't even know they're doing it, but it really does make the difference. You know, I think about when I've been triggered or annoyed by a customer service person, it's because they are using the language that you're saying. Do not say.

Especially unfortunately.

Yes versus the. And it just feels very like, just a dig.

Yeah. Slimy.

Yes. But that power validation, it just makes you feel right and powerful and heard and validated. It's really brilliant. Just. Just, you Even saying them. And we're not even having a conversation about booking anything or buying anything or doing anything. But hearing you say it changes my whole energy.

And so there's a power here. And this sort of like brings it back full circle. But the thing is that one crisis that we have in just all global society right now is the lack of true love and belonging. Okay. We're in a time where we're over scheduled. We have notifications going off 24 7. You know, I haven't looked at my phone in an hour, but I bet you there's like 157.

Yes.

And it's insane. Like sometimes I get desperate of how do I turn these off. I don't want these coming on my phone all the time. But we have this like over overly noisy world.

Yes. That we're living in and everyone's expecting instant response to as well.

Yes. And so what it's lacking is true the power of true love, connection and belonging. And that we can develop that over time. We can create connections with people that are very powerful and we can build this long lasting rapport. We can build trust, we can build confidence in the way that we communicate with people. Whether that's like I said, whether it's your neighbor, your customer, I find it super useful in business because that's how I develop. Most people develop things personally and then throw it into their business. I did the opposite. So I took all of these principles and applied them to my life in a deeper way that became like my entire personal development strategy. Because what I found was that everything I was communicating on the outside was really a mirror to everything that was going on on the inside.

Okay, so what's coming up for me, really strong, Mary, is that you are a total example of. You know, I've talked with listeners before about being versus doing and a lot of people think that they have to do, do, do, do to create a successful business. And you're an example of you were just being a specific way. You were being compassionate. You were being that person that is in a place of validation for people. You were being a stand for not making people feel bad. You were being a stand for making people thrive and feel better on the phone with you. And that was working because you were being that.

Yes. You know, but here, here comes the honest moment. I was being all those things, but I wasn't doing them for myself.

So you were, it was almost like you were saying them and you knew that it was the right thing, but you weren't being kind to yourself. Is that what I'm hearing or what's the.

That I became such an overly driven person.

Okay.

Overdriven is not the right words because how can you really be overdriven? But I became consumed with my work and my career that I started to lose sight of the things that make us have meaning in our life in the first place.

Okay.

I started to go down the road of personal development, which eventually became spiritual development. Oftentimes I'll say something like, I think becoming an entrepreneur is really a foot in the door for both personal development and spiritual development. Because you're just constantly working on yourself.

Yes.

And I found that order.

I love that order that you just put it in too.

That's really how it happened for me. So I took a deep dive into personal development. You know, that's really what catapulted, I think, bringing compassion into a non compassionate industry. But then when the spiritual path emerged, which was after a devastating divorce, I went through a divorce that I literally thought I was going to die. I did not. For two years, I did not think I was going to survive this divorce. It was the thing that broke me. Completely broke.

Why do you think that is? Because divorce is rough on everybody. But why do you say that you thought you were gonna die with that, that it was gonna break?

There's a couple of reasons. One, it was because the way that my whole life was structured and that my marriage was really the center of that. I had been married for 10 years. I had two children. They were very small. One of my children is special needs. Okay. My husband at the time, he didn't just like divorce me. He literally wanted to walk away.

Wow.

Period.

An abandonment situation.

He didn't want to be a father anymore. This was deeply triggering my abandonment wound. I had been abandoned also at three years old. So it just deeply, deeply wounded me at the core wound.

Yeah.

Okay. And then I did not want. I did not want to be a single mother of a special needs child. I really didn't. And I know that that sounds terrible to say.

I don't know that anyone chooses or wants that. So I don't think that's terrible.

It just felt overwhelming that I couldn't do this all by myself. And so I felt like, again.

Because you had been through something before.

Yes, yes. And also because my son's disability that he got diagnosed with was autism. And that I think, because that's a neurological disorder, it definitely was a trigger for my daughter's brain injury because both are dealing with the nervous system and the brain. But I really just didn't think I could do it alone. I lost my will. I lost my. I lost just everything. I would go to work and I would sit under my desk and I would hide under my desk for hours and not talk to anyone. And I just. I was in the deepest, darkest place of my life. It was like if you take a glass and you drop it on the floor and it's just shattered into pieces all over the place. I was just shattered like glass and did not think that I was going to recover. And that lasted about two years.

Wow.

And then the answer was in my back pocket all along. And I don't know how I. I don't know how I couldn't see it, but one day I just started feeling like I'm going to be doing something. I'm going to be doing something with my life. I'm not sure what it is, but maybe you felt that way before. Like, I know I'm going to do something different, but I don't know what it is. And back in those days, I used to say things like. Like the back of my head is opening up and all this knowledge is just getting poured into it like lightning fast. And that happened to me for another couple of years. And then I started to realize that the system I had created for my business would work for my life too.

Wow.

And I just went with that, and it totally did.

So how so? So like, you said that one of the systems that worked for you was how you were having compassion for people and connect with them. How did you apply? Is that what you're talking about or was it something else?

You know, so I literally took the same steps. So, like, the do not say list.

Okay, okay.

How do I apply that to my life? Well, when I really was honest and looking at the way that I was talking about myself to myself and understanding that the stories that you tell yourself about yourself become your identity.

Oh, my gosh.

So true. Yeah. Right? So the do not say list, just speaking in, I just applied it to my own life. And I'm not going to say I went like 100 full on affirmations, because I didn't. But I did use a component of affirmations to replace the negative self talk.

Give us an example.

So, like, you.

Like, I would. I would love to dive into a little bit of like. Like, I would imagine that abandonment issue was hanging huge on you because it was becoming a pattern and it was a trigger. Like how when you would have those feelings or those thoughts about. Around. How would you change that feelings I know listeners listening deal with a very similar struggle or that might be a common trigger. So, like, how would you turn that around?

So I did a couple things. Number one, I didn't want to force myself to do anything. I feel like when it comes to affirmations, there's two buckets, okay? There's the bucket of people who can say affirmations as if they're already true.

Okay.

Like, oh, I'm a millionaire, I've got a gorgeous body, or you know, I'm fabulous, whatever those things are.

I have to say I'm becoming the type of person who is awesome. Like, I am.

I am actually becoming that person too. But I didn't used to be. So I was the kind of person that if I said, oh, I'm beautiful as an affirmation, I would be like, who you kidding?

Oh, so you didn't instantly knock it down?

Instantly, Instantly. So I decided to make my affirmations stuff that I could really fit behind. Okay. So I just started with this. Something amazing is going to happen today. I didn't have to agree with it, I didn't have to disagree with it.

And it wasn't about you, which takes the pressure off.

Something amazing is going to happen today. And I might say, connect me with ideas that I love or I might say, help me rendezvous with other like minded people. Like, I would just say these little statements that started to come true. And then when I bridged into like, I started writing affirmations. So one of the things that I did was I got up in the morning and as a daily practice, I wrote a page of affirmations every day. Now I found I could say the things on the paper that I wasn't willing to say out loud.

Okay.

Like I could put on the paper, oh, I'm beautiful, radiant, sensual, sexy, goddess. Okay, I couldn't say that, but I could write it down.

Okay.

And that felt okay. So I started doing this page of affirmations a day. I just started applying all of the things to my personal life. So, for example, the whole validation thing. Well, have you ever had a really serious problem in life?

Of course.

Of course. And did you beat yourself up a little bit about the serious problem? Okay, now, has your best friend ever had a serious problem?

Of course.

And did you beat her up?

No.

No. So I did this thing, I wrote this process called five steps to break through your breakdown. And the first thing was making a list of all the problems that I had in my life. And I did that. I did some research and what I found out was that our brain loves to name things, and our brain loves to make lists. So Matthew Lieberman did a study out of UCLA that said, just by naming your problems, you'll create enough serotonin and dopamine to feel better about this.

Okay.

This worked. And it became. All of my processes are backed by neurological research. So that one step became the sort of way. The first way to dig myself out of a hole.

Got it.

And then the next thing was, when I read the list to myself, I said, you know, anybody going through this right now would feel crummy. Like, anyone that was living this way or having this amount of overwhelming extenuating circumstances would feel sad and depressed.

Yourself.

Because I was reading it on the paper instead of letting the self talk come through. So all of a sudden, the paper became, like, the best friend.

Okay.

Okay. But there's very specific chemicals in the body, like vasopressin. That is a chemical of love and compassion. So for one of the first times ever, that validation that I could truly feel for another human being, I could honestly feel for myself.

So five steps for your breakdown was step one. Just. I want to make sure I'm taking notes, too. So list everything that was wrong and then acknowledge it by saying, like, anyone going through this would feel crummy, too, because it's on paper.

Right. Okay. Yes. And there's five steps. I've got one of my blogs about it on the website. If somebody just googles, probably five steps to break through your breakdown. Okay.

And I'm gonna link it.

Yeah, I bet it comes right up.

Okay.

It's also in the book, but I'll give you another one of the steps.

Okay. Okay.

I think this is step three. It's either step three or four. You think of a time in your past when you overcame another serious problem.

It's like proving it to yourself, Validating. Because we find validation in what's wrong, but it's finding validation in what actually worked before.

It's that. And it's so powerful because what it does. Like, let's say you go back to that time, and for me, I picked a silly one. It was like, oh, well, one year I didn't make the cheerleading team. And I was devastated. Of course. I was in, like, the sixth grade. And then the following year, I practiced really hard. And then the following year, I made the team. So that's a seemingly insignificant win. Okay. But if you just reminisce on a past win, what happens in your subconscious mind is that you're. It's like you're working out a muscle. So the strategy that is wired into my brain that allowed me to create that win in the first place was sort of reignited. The best way I can tell you to illustrate this is if you've ever known a man who goes fishing or plays a sport, and then every time they tell the story of, like, the big home run or the big fish, like, every time they tell a story, it gets a little bit more exciting. Have you noticed this?

Yeah, absolutely.

So this is because that's happening in the brain. The brain is, like working out the muscle of that story and it's strengthening it, but in the meantime, it's strengthening the problem solving part of your brain that led you to that solution in the first place.

Wow.

Actually, when you're in a disparaging moment, taking some time to reflect on when you've overcome past obstacles will lead you to ideas that will get you out of this obstacle as well.

So you start applying these things and you come up with your five steps to breaking through your breakdown. You apply it to yourself. And what starts happening in your life?

Oh, everything started to change. So, so many things happen differently. I think within seven months, I got a book deal with Hay House.

Okay.

I started writing the book. I was living a lot of the things going through the book. The book's like a teaching memoir. So, you know, I might have thought at the time that I got lucky, but it so wasn't that. It was from the outside looking in. It was just very well orchestrated for me to, like, it was always meant for me to take these things and apply it this way, because this is the way that I can show up and I can help people and I can create a ripple effect because I've got people now who send me messages and emails of, oh, your book changed my life. I even had a woman reach out. She's an inner city social worker at a school where she deals with the at risk population.

Okay.

And she. She wrote me this email and I'm so proud of it. She said, you know, when I first heard your story, I didn't think we would have anything in common. Because I'm a social worker and you're a debt collector. I mean, you talk about being opposite ends of the spectrum. She goes, but I decided to be open minded. And I read your book and I applied everything with my students. And at the beginning. So this was in like March of 2018, that she applied this. And by the end of that semester, which is May, her students went from 8% passing rate to 96% passing rate.

Holy moly. Oh, my gosh.

I know. It's numbers that literally blow my mind.

Wow.

And it was all because she took the things. Like, she took that three step communication process. She applied that to the students. She eliminated the negative words. And then also she did the coaching practices in the book with the student.

You know what keeps coming up for me is like, so we always hear about thinking positive or affirmations or being kind to ourselves, but no one's ever broken down, like, actually how. And people interpret a lot of it as cheesy or weird. Like just we hear be around positive people or say nice things or have. But it doesn't. There's no actual, like, do these steps. What you're doing is you're really simplifying and teaching practical steps that people can apply right away. And that's what's so powerful about it.

And I think it's like getting into those in between layers. And like, I would really love to speak about the whole positive psychology thing.

Yeah.

Because I love positivity. I mean, that's totally cool. But I also would like us to get really honest as a society and say, okay, guys, we can turn down the happiness train a little bit because we can't be expected to be happy all the time. And it's gotten to a point where I see in some circles that if you're not happy all the time, it's like you should feel guilty because you're not happy. But the problem with that is it doesn't allow you time and space to process your life when shit hits the fan.

Yes.

And there's an element of blaming people for their problems. You know, I can see in my life that not processing traumas only led to more traumas. But that's the moment that I got really honest with, like, there are some broken parts here that need healing and need attention. And it doesn't matter that those broken parts are 20 or 30 years old, because those broken parts are running everything.

Yeah.

And going back to heal those things is. Is like the most transformational thing I've ever done in my life.

And I think just so many people don't do that.

I agree.

They skip that part.

Yeah. I hope they start, like, right now.

I do too. Oh, my gosh. People must order your book. I'm like, I'm. I'm dying to get your book now. Because I'm like, I need to know every single thing that you've talked about in more detail so I can apply it to every area of my life. It's incredible. Wow. This has been super informative. I do have a question. I almost hate asking the question because I feel like the answer is just go get her book. Because I was going to ask you the same question I ask everybody on my podcast, which is if somebody's in a rock bottom spot right now and they're in that self beat up or and they need to apply some things to start changing and leveling up and creating everything from nothing, what would those three pieces of advice be? Which now I want to just say, go get her book, but maybe give us like the three, maybe three things that you would tell somebody if you were having a new conversation with somebody and they're really stuck in that spot.

Yeah. You know, you and. You and I would be like such great friends because I do everything in the power of three. Like, you ask me a question, I'll be like, let me give you a three step process. Yeah. Because I'm a process person, you know? But here's what immediately came up for me when you asked that. Number one is like, understanding self care. Now, I don't mean self care from a perspective of go spend $500 at the spa. Okay. This is not about nail polish, but let's define self care as taking space for yourself to understand that our bodies are like libraries and they have stored everything that has ever happened to us. So one of the things that I would say is like, if you are in a disempowered state of being, like right now in your life, please take some space for yourself, whatever that looks like. Because honestly, just giving yourself some space. I have this thing I do where I rate myself from 1 to 20. How well do I feel? And if the number is below a 10, I consider that disempowered. And my only thing I need to do is take space for myself. And usually the next day or within a couple days, I'll start climbing that frequency scale of emotions and I'll feel like a 13.

Got it.

And then when I feel like a 13, I can start to move forward with some things. So one thing is definitely taking space another thing. And I've had this gratitude practice since January 27, 2015. I remember the exact day that I started doing this. And what I did was I reached out in a Facebook group and I asked these other women, would they please be in a gratitude group with me. And ever since that day, we've been texting each other three gratitudes every single day. And the reason I love this is because I'm super big on accountability. And I can guarantee you that this gratitude practice would not have lasted almost, almost five years now if I did not have that layer of accountability.

Wow.

Yeah, it's so powerful. But from a neurological perspective, gratitude is so important because it does wire your brain to perceive the world differently. Yeah, it's really life changing.

Yeah, I agree with you on that one for sure. This is so good. Mary. Where can people find you? And I mean, I know that. Where can they get your book? Everywhere. Amazon, Barnes and Noble stores, everywhere.

I believe you can get the book anywhere books are sold. And you know I always love to ask if you resonated with what we talked about today. Please go on Amazon, check out the book Conscious Communications, read the description and a handful of reviews. I believe you'll know right away whether the book is for you or not. And of course you can find me on my website, maryshores.com and all kinds of social media as well.

Amazing. Thank you so much for being here today.

Oh, my pleasure. Thank you for having me.

Thanks for leveling up with us today. Please share this episode if you found it helpful so others can join in. And don't forget to hit that subscribe so you don't miss out on future shows. And if you would leave me a five star review. I appreciate those so much. I read all of them and it's how I know that I'm giving you information that you find valuable. And come interact with me over on Instagram @nataliejelfit. I read all the direct messages and comments over there. Make it a great day. Creating everything from nothing.

Sam.