123: UnF*ck Your Brain with Kara Loewentheil

Hi, I'm Natalie Jill, fat loss expert turned high performance coach. When odds are stacked against us, how do we shift and create everything from nothing? How do we level up when we aren't feeling it yet or we've had a big setback? On this podcast, I'll be talking to some of the most inspiring and courageous men and women on this planet who at their worst, learned how to achieve success greater than they ever dreamed possible. Leveling up and creating everything from nothing. Karl Lowenthal. Well, she knows a thing or two about confidence. For years, she battled the stories that she would make up about what a text or an email or statement would mean about her. But she has shifted. Today she's a master certified coach with a BA From Yale and a JD From Harvard Law. In the last three years, after pivoting from a legal career, she has grown her life coaching business from zero to seven figures. She's the host of the itunes top rated self help podcast Un F youf Brain. And she has been featured in outlets like the Man Repeller above the Law and the Huffington Post. She lives in New York City. And I am excited to chat with her today to join in and listen and learn exactly how Cara leveled up and created everything from nothing. Today on Leveling Up, I've got Cara Lowenthal. And I'm so excited to chat with you today, Cara, because, my gosh, listen, everyone. She is a confidence coach for women and who could not use a little more confidence? I'm dying to jump in and talk with her today. Cara, thank you for being here. I know you were not always so confident, so thanks for being here. Can you take us back to who you were before that?

Totally. Yeah. I'm thrilled to be here. So I think that I had an experience that a lot of people have, which is, on the surface, my life looked pretty good.

Right.

So I grew up, like, I, you know, my parents were still married and I went to good schools and I had, you know, and I got the kind of jobs I wanted. I used to be a lawyer in the kind of women's rights movement. And so it looked like on the surface, like I had it all together and I was accomplishing things. But then inside I felt like. I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster all the time. And I hated pretty much everything about myself. What do you.

What do you mean? Like, about emotional roller coaster. Look at, like, explain what that means.

Yeah, so it means, like, I would occasionally feel really great. Like I would have moments of feeling really confident, or like this Is amazing. Look at my life. But then immediately like someone could, you know, like swipe left on me on Tinder or like I would get an email with like, we need to make edits to this brief. And then it was like immediate plunge into thoughts of like, I'm a failure, I'm disgusting, I'm terrible, I'm fool, You know, find out like that kind of, I think what a lot of people experience where like the times that you feel good about yourself, feel so tenuous, it's like this momentary, but then the smallest thing can send your brain cascading into like all the things that are horrible about yourself.

I love that you just brought that up because it's so interesting, especially with technology and the amount of information that comes out us so quick and there's no tone in typing. Right. So like emails, text review, whatever. I think a lot of people do that. Like they make up a whole story around what somebody's saying when it can be a very just neutral statement, but they take it as a personal attack on them.

Yeah. When you have no self confidence and you're always attacking yourself, you think everyone else is always attacking you too.

Where do you think? Yeah, I think that's completely true.

And I.

Where do you think this comes from though? Because like some women, you know, they seem to be just born with this confidence and then suddenly do have this thing where they hide it and they don't think they can talk about it, but they have that. It's almost like an insecurity about like in the wrong thing said or the wrong thing interpreted could set them off. Where do you think that comes from?

I mean, I guess there might be people who are just born super confident women. I don't meet them, but maybe that's self selection because that's who comes to me. I think most women are experiencing kind of two factors. So all humans are kind of subject to evolutionary biology which like meaning that, you know, we all evolved from basically small little lizards. We all evolved and we still share like we have this primitive part of our brain that thinks everything is danger and everything's trying to kill us and eat us and we have to be scared all the time and we need to like stay in the cave where it's safe and only seek food and sex. Like that's. We have that part of our brain. And so. And then as humans evolved, humans evolved to live in tribes or communities where everybody else liking you and wanting to feed you was very important. Right. So you needed the tribe to survive. And so I think that we have all humans deal with that kind of the leftover structures of the brain that evolved to think that way. And then women get a lot of instruction, explicit and implicit from society about like what matters about them and what they should care about and how they need to look and how they need to act and you know, that they're not as good as other people. Like we get a lot of social messaging about it. So it's like a one, two punch. Like we're really dealing with both of those forces creating that we're not good enough.

Yeah, yeah. So it comes down to this. I'm not good enough. What about the. I would love to touch on the physical appearance part because to me, I think it affects people either way. Like regardless of what somebody feels that they look like, like that's, that seems to come up. But what's interesting is you could be complete. Somebody could be completely unattractive to themselves or whatever they want to describe and somebody could shame them for that and they take it the wrong way. Or they could be drop dead gorgeous and get shamed and then they take. Internalize that. Like physical appearance seems to really create this with people issues. Either direction. I'd love your.

Yeah, because. Yeah, because it doesn't matter how. Like you can ask. I mean, I live in New York and like surrounded by fashion models and they don't feel good about themselves either. Right. Like, because we're just, oh, we're taught to go after this like impossible perfectionist ideal. Right. And so it doesn't matter if you're pretty close to the idea, you're not quite there, you're still going to feel bad about yourself. And especially women are taught that what they look like, you know, matters most and it's not even what they think about what they look like. Like that they need to care most about what other people think they look like. Yeah, we get all of that. Yeah. So I don't think anybody escapes at all. Like you can be conventionally attractive or less. You can be like really thin or bigger, you can be shorter, tall. It doesn't matter. Like none of us fit some made up arbitrary ideal. And so we all feel bad about it.

And I want people to really hear this because that's, that's the issue. I think so many people just try to address that physical appearance. But like, no matter what, it's, that's not going to go away if you don't address the underlying.

Right. Because it's your thoughts about yourself. So. And people think like, oh, if I like, hate Myself into looking a certain way. Right. If I try to drive myself with self criticism and anxiety, once I hit the magic number or the magic measurements or the magic whatever, I'll feel amazing. That's not how it works. Right. The destination where you're trying to get, it's always going to feel like the journey you took to get there. Oh, I like that.

The destination that you're trying to get to is always going to feel like the journey you took to get there. That's wild.

Yeah. Because you're training your brain to have certain thoughts. Right. So it's just like totally delusional to think. Well, what I trained my brain to do is look for all the flaws in my body to, quote, unquote, motivate myself. But as soon as I hit a number on the scale or a measurement or whatever, all of a sudden my brain will tell me I look amazing.

Now, how did you figure this out? Because I'm imagining you. I'm assuming that you kind of maybe went through this yourself.

Yeah, I mean, I for sure, for the first 30 years of my life at least, was completely bought into, like, if I could just get my body to look a certain way, it would solve all my problems.

Okay.

Right. And we all think that even though there's people around us who have the body we think we want and they don't seem blissfully happy all the time.

That is true. Seem worse off. Right, of course.

And like I always say, like, even Beyonce gets cheated on, you know, like.

Yeah.

No matter what you look like, it doesn't guarantee you a perfect life without suffering. So. Yeah. So I used to really believe that. And so I, like, did all the diets and I did all the, you know, and it's so different from like actually loving working out or moving your body or feel good. Right. Because you're not doing it for any of those internal reasons. Right. You're just trying to, like, desperately feeling good about yourself, which isn't working. So I did that for a long time and I definitely had, you know, an eating disorder. And then it was really only when someone. Basically, when I found my teacher, it was just like the first time somebody was like, you know, what your thoughts are, what are creating your feelings here? And that kind of like blew my whole world apart. Yeah.

I think some people hear that and initially they want to punch the person.

Like, no, I'm not manifesting this.

But then there's that shift.

Yeah. And I'm sure other people, it's not, you know, I had always been into, like, Yoga and meditation and therapy. Obviously, it wasn't the first time anyone had suggested that to me, but you're not ready to hear it till you're ready to hear it, you know?

Totally.

I was just so fed up by that point of, like, hitting myself and trying to diet for the wrong reasons and, like, beating myself up constantly about how I looked at what I ate. Like, I was just so tired that I finally was ready to hear something else.

Yeah. So. So you don't feel. I'm assuming that there's anything wrong with working out or looking a certain way or striving for something, but you're more. You're more concerned from what I'm hearing about the. The stories that people are making up about themselves and what they think is going to come from that.

Yeah. I just think, like, it's like. I mean, we could sub in anything for Bodi, like, getting a certain job, having a partner, whatever it is. Of course, like, we're humans. I don't think we're designed to just sit on the couch and not do anything. Like, we want to. Sure. Set goals and achieve them and, like, do things in. I'm just saying, like, it's not going to make you happy if you're not working on making yourself happy. Right. No external thing. I mean, exercise does produce endorphins, so actually that's one thing that will lift your mood. But if you're doing it while you're, like, telling yourself what a disgusting slob you are the whole time. Oh, yeah, that doesn't work either.

You know what's interesting? And I know depending on when somebody's listening to this and might not be as recent, but, like, you know, I was scrolling Instagram and I saw there's a viral picture going around with Kim Kardashian right now. And my first glance at it was like, whoa. Like, she. Perfect body. She looks gorgeous. Like, extreme perfect body. And then you read the comments of hate and. And how that's so fake and she removed a rib or whatever people are saying. Like, they just. This just negative thing and it. And I really want people to hear this because here's somebody that, like, people are striving towards being this, you know, thing. They think that's gonna fix their confidence. And then look at the amount of hate it drew when she got there.

Yeah. And it just isn't going to feel like it's not going to change your feelings. So I'm all for setting goals or taking care of yourself in the ways that feel good to you or, like, you know, I actually started lifting weights maybe in the last year when I found a trainer who could work with, like, my. I have some chronic pain stuff, and it's been amazing. Like, I feel strong. I feel, you know, like, that's great. But I wasn't like, if I just was a person who lifted weights then. And actually it's funny now that I say that. I think in the back of my mind I did still, like, have this thought of, like, if I were just somebody who, like, lifted weights and ran marathons, then I would feel amazing. It's like, if I just were like a different person, then I would feel amazing.

So what do you believe now? Do you believe that you create that way of feeling first and then take the actions? What's your. What's your like?

I think I had to, like, the thing that actually got me to go, like, start lifting, for example, wasn't being like, oh, I can't believe. I don't. There's something so wrong with me. Right? It was like, it was actually like, oh, I think that, like, there could be. Could be a way I could do this that would be safe for me and feel good and it would be fun to get strong where I had to come from a more positive motivation.

Got it. Okay, so what is the negative? What happens to women that get stuck on this journey of not feeling confident? What goes wrong there?

I just feel like it impacts everything in your life, right? Like, number one, just your. In your whole experience of the world happens in your own head and your body, right? That's where we live, is where our thoughts and feelings are. And there's like, what I remember the most is like, there was just so much mind chatter all the time about what was wrong with me. Right.

We have like an average of like 60,000 thoughts a day, right?

Yeah. And I feel like 40,000 of them are like, what's wrong with us? It's so funny because my clients are like, well, but what if I get. If I get confident and I actually think I'm like, okay, then I'll become self absorbed. And I'm like, you know what? Self absorbed. When you hate yourself and all you do is think about all the things that are wrong with you, right?

Yeah. And then you become selfish because you're not. You're literally not coming from a place of ever being in service or being fully present with others because you're so concerned with yourself. I'm with you.

When you love yourself. I don't sit around being like, God, I'm amazing. Every five Seconds. Right. I'm like, busy helping women all over the world. Like, occasionally I think I'm great. Right. But I don't, like, fixate on it the way you do.

Yeah, that's actually really brilliant what you just said. Because, you know, you're right. When you feel good about yourself, you. You are a more. Everyone is a more giving, generous person because they're not insecure about themselves.

Now you got back 59,000 thoughts that you could do something else.

I love that.

Wow.

Okay, so I. What, what do PE women do? What do you suggest that they do? Because you're, as you're talking, I'm like, okay, I think you're right. Every woman has this somehow going on with them. So what do they do? How do you. And is this the same as like.

Body love or what? Like, what would you. What is that? Yeah, so I think a lot of people have heard about, like, positive thinking and have tried that. And for a lot of people, that doesn't work. And my theory about why it doesn't work is that it's trying to go too far. So you like, feel shame yourself and then you are like, well, I'll just try to think that I'm grateful for being alive. But you don't really feel that. Okay, it doesn't work. And so what I really recommend and what I teach people to do is to change their thoughts step by step using very concrete, neutral thoughts.

Like what? Give us an example.

Yeah, so in the body context, when I was doing this work on my body image, I couldn't go from my stomach is disgusting to immediately being like, I'm a beautiful goddess. Believe that.

So because the thought comes up in your head, I'm assuming going, but no, you're not. So it's like, right.

And also, like, the whole reason to change a thought is that you will feel a little different. If you think something you don't believe, you don't get any emotional payoff. You don't feel any different. So your brain doesn't learn that it's worth doing. Right. It's like, oh, that's just like saying a sentence in Swahili or something. Like, it doesn't make a difference. So I practiced the thought. That's a human stomach. Now it doesn't sound super. I always say, like, it's not going to get cross stitched on a pillow on Etsy. It's not going to be in an Instagram, like, inspirational post.

Right.

It's like not super inspirational, but it actually works if you practice it. Yeah. So it's like you have to readjust your expectations. Like, you have spent 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 years maybe thinking the way you think now. Right. You can't just try to jump immediately to thinking something totally different and expect that's gonna work. You have to really practice.

So. So take it as something neutral. That's a human stomach. I like that. I heard recently and I started adopting this. I'm curious what your thoughts are on this. Instead of saying, I am like, the beautiful goddess because you said that your thoughts go direction, what have you said? Something like, I am becoming the type of person who.

Yeah, yeah. I call it the thought ladder. It's like we have our current thought at the bottom, which is like, I'm. You know, my stomach is disgusting, or I don't work out enough, or my body fat is too hard. Like, whatever your thought is right about yourself. And this is for anything. Right.

I'm bad at my job.

I'm not a good mom. Like, it can be anything. And then you imagine that, like, I'm a beautiful goddess, or I'm incredibly fit, or I'm an amazing mom, whatever it is. That's like the goal thought at the top of the ladder, but we gotta climb up the rung, right? And so, yeah, what you're talking about is for sure a good technique. You can. You just sort of can add, like, I'm learning to believe I'm working on becoming this kind of person. It's like, we're in progress. Right? This is a process. Yeah. So I think that's a good technique too. And I like to also like a neutral thought or like you just suggested, I call that like a closer or opener, which is like, you're adding something to the beginning of the thought or the end. That's like, I'm open to believing this. I'm becoming the kind of person who believes this, like, that kind of thing. And the other thing I like to do is often the reason that our thought is so, like, sticky is that it's about us. And if we think about other people, it's like, a little less intense. So, for instance, when somebody is like, thinks that they are. If they're, like, beating themselves up a lot for not working out enough or, like, running a marathon or whatever, I would have them practice something. Like, even people who don't run marathons are worthy of love. Oh, I like that. It's not about them. So it's a little easier. We're like. We're talking about other people who just happen to share this Characteristic with you. And that way your brain's defenses are a little bit down, and then eventually it kind of. Sometimes you gotta consciously move up a rung on the ladder. But often, if you practice a lot with one or two starter thoughts, the rest kind of happens naturally.

How do you advise people to start recognizing all these thoughts? Because I think people get so in their thoughts, they don't even recognize them as, like, these destructive thoughts. Like, do you have a method for that?

Yeah, and it's really simple. It's called write them down. Like, doing it in your head doesn't work. It's much harder to observe your own thinking while you're thinking.

Okay.

So I really teach doing thought downloads, which literally just means you sit down, you set a timer, you just write. It's like if you ever did a free write in school or something, if you ever took a creative writing class, and sometimes your brain will say, I don't know, nothing. But if you keep writing and you don't give it that option, what comes out? And you can pick a topic. Like, I want to write down all my thoughts about my whatever. Right. My body or my fitness regime or whatever. Or you can just be like, I'm going to write whatever's in my brain right now for five minutes. Once you get it all out on paper, that's really the first step to being like, okay, these are sentences that I am saying to myself. Like, do I like these? Do I want to keep saying these? Like, let's go one by one and look at them and see if I want to keep saying this to myself. Do I want to tweak this a little? Like, it really helps you get that little bit of distance on it.

Got it. Okay. And do you, like, I would imagine this takes practice. Like, do you still have those thoughts that come up for you even though you're a confidence coach?

Yeah, totally. I think the big difference is, like, I know now that it's just like, I think of it as, like, phantom limb pain, you know? So when people. If people. There. There's this thing that happens where people will, like, have an amputation or something, and then they will feel pain in the limb that's no longer there. Okay, so that's like phantom limb pain.

Yeah.

I think about those thoughts the same way where I'm like, oh, right. Like, that's not real. Like, I'm having the thought. But when you. Because when. When you believe your thought, you have it. You're like, oh, my God, it's true. Right? You feel so terrible. Yeah. And now when my brain occasionally does it, I'm like, oh, right, of course you would say that. Brain. Like, that's one of your three settings. Oh, I like that.

So how do you. Okay, so you mentioned something interesting at the beginning, which. Which is really common for people, me included. And that's what I. You know, the triggers. So, like, someone sends an email and. And it has no tone in it, but we put this whole story behind it and because we've gone. Because whatever we believe. So how do you. What do you do now when that happens? Like, I'm imagining you still get the trigger, but you maybe have something set up to kind of help you respond to that. Like. Or do you actually get rid of the trigger? What happens?

Yeah, I don't find that stuff, quote unquote, triggering so much anymore. But in the beginning, the thing to know is like, whatever you are believing the other person thinks is just what you think about yourself.

Oh, that's so powerful.

Say that again.

That's good.

That needs to be like, yeah, it's just projection, right? It makes sense. If you think about it, how does it even occur to you? Like, you don't ever get an email and think, I bet that person thinks I'm the lizard King, right? Like, you don't. You only have a. You only think someone else thinks something. The only way your brain even comes up with that is that you already had the thought in your brain. I love that.

That's. I want everyone to hear this because it's so true. Like, we do this with each other too, with friends. We'll say, can you believe what so and so texted me? And then now we put a tone on it or we add to it.

It's like, it's only because we already think that. Like, I'm never like, wow, I hope those people don. Think I'm a 510 blonde. Right? Because I'm not. And I would. That would never occur to me. Or I'm like, I hope those people don't think I'm too Christian because I'm Jewish. Like, it would never occur to me to think those things, so I never project them. But of course, my brain does have negative thoughts about me. Right? But so of course that's what I worry other people think, like, oh, she's too much, or she's too loud or she's too fat or she's. Whatever. It's only the thoughts I already have about myself. So how.

How did you. Because I think that's super powerful and profound, what you figured out. But how do you go to like not even letting it trigger you? Because, like, I'll tell you with me, I think I've evolved with this a lot, but I still get the trigger. But I, my reaction has changed. So like where I used to like go fight back, I take that pause or that break and then I neutralize it.

It's honestly just practice. I don't think there's a shortcut. Like I just practiced over and over being like, oh, I got an email and now I feel anxious. What am I thinking? I'm thinking, this person thinks I'm a terrible lawyer. Whatever. And then I would change that thought to like, even good lawyers make mistakes or whatever it is. I'm an okay. Like those latter thoughts about I really just think it's over time. You decon, like when you get a message and have a knee jerk response, you've conditioned your brain to have that. Right. So it's like people have heard of Pavlovian experiment. I was like, right. Pavlov trained dogs to salivate when they heard a bell chime for food. That's what happens to your brain. And so you have to decondition it.

Right.

You're like creating a different trigger. You're changing the response from the trigger event. And for me, that has only that happens through just practicing every time, changing the thought when the thing happens.

That's really good because I think we hear being neutral or doesn't mean anything or their opinion doesn't mean anything or whatever, but we're not taking ownership and accountability. That that's the story we're making up. Right.

We're like, oh, they still have this terrible opinion about me, but I'll try not to care. Right?

But we're literally messed up. Yeah. It's what we're meaning to be true.

And it's the things that you think are bad. So if you think about it like the things you think are good about yourself, like there are for sure people who think like, oh my God, Kara, she needs to chill out with the feminism. Ugg. Right? But I don't ever worry about that because I like that about myself.

Yeah, that's really good too, Cara, because I think that's another big point is that when you, when someone's being authent true to their real beliefs, I think people's opinions bother you less too.

Right. Like, so when you, if you're freaking, when you get a message and you are like, oh, no, they think this bad thing about me, it's only because you think a. You have the Thing. And B, it's bad. That's why you worry about it. Right. So again, it's like, oh, it's just still your negative thoughts about yourself that you have to work on. Yeah, this is really good. Wow.

Okay, so what do you. When what. What do you advise women that are like, listening to this and they're like, okay, I get what you're saying. But I. But they have like this story still going, but my sister still bugs the heck out of me or but my boss still does. Like, because I know you have that too, where, like, then it gets to the excuse thing and the defensive of their thought.

Yeah, I would be like, well, you just Learned this concept 20 minutes ago, so give it a minute. Well, that's happens with my clients. Right? They're like, okay, I understand what you're saying intellectually, but I still feel this way. And I'm like, yeah, of course. Course, you haven't practiced yet, so give.

Yourself permission to take it on and learn it.

Not. Yeah, you gotta practice, right? Like, if you think about your brain as like a forest, like, if you went through the forest every day the same way, you'd have cleared, there'd be like a really smooth path. Okay. So if somebody just told you there's another way through the forest, that doesn't mean you now automatically just go that new way. Right? You'd have to, like, hack it out and make a new path and walk over it a lot until it became easy to go through it. So it's just like that with thoughts. Right. Of course you still think your sister's a bitch. Like, you've had that thought 100 million times. Right. And we have to practice the new thought on purpose.

Got it. Okay. I like that. I like. What do you think about rewriting stories too? And may explain what I mean. Like, like I interviewed somebody the other day and she was sharing how. How she had this, you know, tragic thing happened to her son. And she had this whole story around hate with that person. And she had made up, like, this person was evil and maybe they were drinking and Dr. Driving or whatever it was. And then. But that was keeping her hostage. So she like rewrote the story in her brain. Like maybe she had just gotten, you know, this had happened to her and she was this. Going through this in her life. And then maybe my son did this and that's what caused it. Like, she like literally rewrote the story and it changed her whole opinion about the events.

Totally. Yeah. A story is just your collection of thoughts, right? It's like a bunch of thoughts in a row. So when you change your story, you're sort of just changing the thoughts that you tell yourself. So 100%. I think it's a great exercise and it's true for anything in your life. Like often, you know, people come in with like, I'm sure you see in like the fitness world, their story is like, but I'm just not athletic or like, I'm not, you know, I, my body's not like that or I can't do it or. And then in my world it's like I'm just, you know, I'm not someone people fall in love with or I'm not someone who gets promotions or, you know, like we have all these stories and for sure rewriting them and the same way we use the latter, I think it can be really powerful to rewrite it. Like to start with a neutral story. Like, what are just the facts without all your interpretation?

Oh, that's so good. Like the actual facts. Yeah, yeah.

Somebody will come in and be like, well, I just like, no one ever loves me and everybody else, blah, blah, blah. And then we do their relationship history and I'm like, you've had 12 boyfriends. Yeah. It's like your brain is trying so hard to make 12 boyfriends mean no one ever loves me.

Wow, that's really good. Yeah, I call those in my business, false assumed truth. So I say I kill fat for a living. It's not just fat on our bodies, it's the false assume truth that we started, we were holding onto.

Oh yeah, such a good acronym. Totally. Wow.

So what do you want women to know from you?

I want women to know that the way you feel every day, all of that insecurity and anxiety and stress is self imposed. And that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's normal. No one has taught you how to change it, but it can be changed. And I think like for me, coming to this from the perspective of being a feminist and caring about women's liberation, really, like, I think that we have to liberate ourselves from the inside out. Like I spent years working on the political side, but our experience as humans and being so self critical and holding ourselves back can only be solved from the inside. And I just think, like humans I hear so often, like, well, I'm like 25 or 35 or 45 or 65. It's too late for me to change things. Like, this is just my life, right? I just have to look this way, I have to feel this way. I have to act this way. I have to be married to this person. I have to have this job. I have to never go to the gym, whatever it is. Right. And like, you humans are really good at overestimating what they can get done in a day. Like, we've all done that to do list where there's no way. Right? Yeah, but we're really bad. We underestimate hugely what we can get done in a year or two years. Your life can change so much in not that long if you're willing to practice and do the work.

This is really great. Who's your ideal? Like, talk to us about the kind of clients that come and work with you. What do. What's the ideal person that work would work with you?

I really, I mean, I work with women who, although, you know, when I say like, achieving, it's not about like, oh, you went to certain schools or like, have certain jobs, but it's just women who are, I would say, like, smart and they know that their brains are getting in their way.

Like, they're getting seriously described. Like, every female, though, I think, well.

I do believe, like, I think this work is for every woman. Like, every woman needs to know that her experience of the world is happening because of the way she's thinking. And she was taught to think a certain way by, like, things that are not in her best interest. And becoming an emotional and mental adult and liberating yourself means you take control of your brain. You decide what to think, you decide what your life is going to be like, and you live and create that with intention. And that is what it's not about. Being happy all the time. Right. That's what true freedom is. Yeah. Like this. Yeah. Like, any woman who wants to change her life and is willing to get to know herself better is the right client with. For me.

Got it. Okay. This is a question I ask everybody and I want to. I'm going to customize it a little bit for you because I'm curious about this. So I usually ask guests, you know, if somebody's in their own personal rock bottom and whatever that is, and they would like to start shifting out of that. And like, they're. If I was. If you were going to give three pieces of advice on how they can start shifting and leveling up and creating everything from nothing from that rock bottom spot. But I want to customize that question for you specifically about the woman that is feeling beat up and not confident right now. If you were to give them like three things right now that they can start Doing to start shifting that and start building some confidence.

What would you tell them? Yeah. So number one, go listen to my podcast.

Okay.

Podcast.

I love that name. That is awesome.

Anywhere you get your podcast, unbuck your.

And if anyone, if anyone's triggered by that title, then that would be exactly what we're talking about right now. What's the way makeup about it?

If you don't like cursing, I'm probably not the right person.

Okay, got it. Cool.

And I won't count this as a second thing. This is part of number one. But if you listen to it, I have a free five day confidence challenge.

Okay.

And we could put the link in the show notes maybe and that gives you like some concrete things to do.

We love free stuff. Awesome.

Yeah. Okay, so you should do that. Let's call that number one podcast and free confidence.

Okay.

Number two is start. Take five minutes every day and write down your thoughts, what's in your brain and look at it honestly. The first, like the most important part of this work is bringing awareness to what you're thinking about yourself because you honestly have no idea. Like clients will come and be like, I don't think I'm that self critical. I just want to change like this one little thing. And then they do a thought download. It's like just so many critical thoughts in there that you don't even know you have.

So can that make it worse initially when you're making the thought download? Because now you're like, oh crap, I really am saying all these negative things.

I don't think it makes it worse. I think it can feel worse, but it's the reality of what's happening. Right. So it's like if you walk into your house and like it's a huge mess, you're like, oh, I want to just like walk back out. Don't want to see it. But you live there, so you might as well like get to know what's there.

Yeah, I get it.

Right, okay. Because if you don't look at it, it's just running in the background and still impacting your life.

Got it.

So write those thoughts down. And then I would say the third thing that I would do is pick like one of those self critical thoughts a day and work on don't try what people do that screws them up, I think is they like, they're like, I'm just trying not to think that it's impossible.

Right.

Because then your brain has to constantly scan for it. Are we thinking it? Are we thinking it? Are we thinking it?

That's like, I'm not going to eat chocolate. Like, that doesn't work.

Like, all you're doing is thinking about chocolate now and how you aren't eating it.

Yeah.

So we have to replace it with something better. Right. We can't just be like, don't think it. So take one of those thoughts and come up with one neutral thought. Right. One baby step, slightly less mean thought, and then commit to practicing that thought like ten times a day.

So good car. This is awesome. So where can people find you? The unfuck yourself podcast.

Unfuck your brain.

Unfuck your brain podcast. Okay. And then are you on social media where.

Yeah, so, I mean, my name is hard to spell, so. Cara Lowenthal.

Okay.

On social media at my normal name. On Instagram, it's like Ara Lowenthal. If you just search unfuck your brain, that's usually easier.

People will remember that. So that's Good.

Yeah. Or unfuckyourbrain.com and the thing I would tell people to check out, in addition to the free challenge, which you definitely should do, is the clutch, which is an online feminist coaching community where we do this work and you can learn from other women doing the work. To me, like, being in a community is so important because women think. Everybody thinks they're alone with this. Like, they think their thoughts are crazy and there's something wrong with them and you're not. It's totally normal.

So.

See, that is so powerful, Cara.

If someone's not like, considering themselves a feminist, could they still.

Yeah.

Stuff okay.

Yeah, absolutely.

I love it. Thank you so much, Cara.

My pleasure.

Thanks for leveling up with us today. Please share this episode if you found it helpful so others can join in. And don't forget to hit that subscribe so you don't miss out on future shows. And if you would leave me a five star review, I appreciate those so much. I read all of them and it's how I know that I'm giving you information that you find valuable. And come interact with me over on Instagram @nataliejofin. I read all the direct messages and comments over there. Make it a great day. Creating everything from nothing.