182: Navigating Grief, Fear, and Loss During Social Distancing with Nell Rose

Hi, I'm Natalie Jill, fat loss expert turned high performance coach. When odds are stacked against us, how do we shift and create everything from nothing? How do we level up when we aren't feeling it yet or we've had a big setback? On this podcast, I'll be talking to some of the most inspiring and courageous men and women on this planet who at their worst learned how to achieve success greater than they ever dreamed possible. Leveling up and creating everything from nothing. Nell Rose is no stranger to difficult times. Not too long ago, she went through a mother's worst nightmare. Her son waged a difficult nine month battle with brain cancer and ultimately passed away devastated, scared, shocked, mad. All the emotions Nell experienced, all of it. What got her through that time was the very skills she had practiced and learned for years prior. She implemented a freedom transformational method that helped herself survive, heal, and even thrive after child loss. Now today, Nell is a resiliency coach, hypnotherapist, and a speaker. She helps her clients find peace and calm and thrive in difficult situations. It's no surprise, I'm sure, why I asked Nell to join us here on Leveling Up Today to help us navigate the grief, fear and loss that many of us are feeling with the current reality in our world today. Today on Leveling Up, I asked Nell Rose to be here. She's a resiliency coach and a hypnotherapist and a speaker. And I met her in a transformational workshop we had done a while back. And I wanted to bring her on because with the tough times that we're going through right now with everything in the world with coronavirus and how people are really living from fear and anxiety and being scared, I really wanted to get some experts that have navigated through this subject who have helped clients in the past. And thanks for being here now today.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

So take us back a few years. What was going on in your world before all of this? It was the worst time in your life, I would imagine.

Oh, then absolutely the most worst time in my life. So this was back in 2017 and in April of 2017. I had just gotten divorced in June. When I turned 50, I was thinking I was going to hit 50 and this was my time to come out into the world and really take everything on and be amazing. It didn't happen that way. Right after my birthday, my mom went into the hospital. She had breast cancer and she was having all kinds of complications. Then in July, my father went into the same Hospital, different floors. And I have five kids, which is awesome. And my second child, Jack, had just graduated from Penn State and he and his girlfriend were going on an amazing three week trip to kind of celebrate before adulting. And they left for Thailand and they flew over and I ended up getting a call on Jack's phone from his girlfriend, which immediately I knew there was something wrong. And I said, is everything okay? And she just started crying and she said, no, it's not. So you kind of think about those moments in your life that, you know, you hear stories where this is the worst possible moment. And what was happening is Jack was having a hemorrhaging brain tumor that we had no idea that he had. He had had a stroke, Lost half of his vision in each eye and all of his feeling on his left side. And at that moment, his brain, you know, his intracranial pressure was increasing and he was in danger of dying.

So nothing. So nothing had. There was no symptoms, nothing before. And they're just on this trip in Thailand and this happens.

Yeah, it was actually the day after they landed.

Wow.

So he woke up in the morning, went to the bathroom and just started screaming. There was no symptoms. The summer before, you know, that summer he was off on a part of his graduation requirements of. He was a geoscience major, so he was out in all the parks out west, you know, studying the earth and ground and, you know, 15 hour days and climbing and hiking and nothing. We had no sign, no symptom. And so, you know, I get on the phone and the surgeon, or actually not the surgeon, a doctor's there and he says that they're saying, you know, my son's brain tumor. And I'm like, wait, you have the wrong person.

Yeah, yeah, right. Because you would think you would have known something ahead of time or had been dealing with this for years, or it's just out of left field, totally.

Out of left field. But unfortunately it was true. And you know, he kind of, you know, I'm thinking, I don't know anything about Thailand at this point. I don't know where they are. I'm thinking, is there. Are they in a hut? Which is so horrible. But, you know, you just don't know what you don't know. And this man is just sitting there, you know, with a thick accent. So I'm trying to figure out what he's saying while I'm in crisis. And he just was saying, we have no plan. No plan. Surgeon is coming, we get planned, don't worry. And then just hangs up and you know, I had to sign all of the permission slips over the Internet and you know, we're looking to get onto a flight and my. His girlfriend was. Ended up doing a FaceTime with us where we saw Jack being intubated. And I mean, just.

I can't even imagine what that would feel like as a mom. I mean, it's like almost this out of control. Like your son is not anywhere near you. You're like not getting great communication. And it's like I would imagine it felt sort of helpless.

Beyond helpless? Yeah. I mean, just terrifying. And anyway, we ended up getting a flight the next morning and you know, got on the flight and there was no Internet, so I couldn't find. You know, that was the most difficult thing, like just sitting there saying, okay, only 23 more hours to. Oh my gosh, like doha so that we can check in to see if he's still alive or not. I mean, it just beyond terrifying. And all these tools that I've gained over the years thankfully kept me sane, kept me peaceful. And we got there and Jack survived. And interesting enough, he was doing amazing there. Unfortunately, he lost a big piece of his skull because they had to take it off and it was compromised. It broke, you know, to save his life. It couldn't go back on. So we didn't know what he had. And then over about two weeks that we were there, we found out that it was glioblastoma.

And what is that?

Glioblastoma is an insidious brain cancer. Usually typically older people get it and you know, it just was devastating. So Jack learned how to walk again over there in Thailand, in Bangkok. And you know, we brought him home with medical help and he went straight to Penn Hospital. And actually they sent him home because he was doing so well, which is incredible. And he started treatment and you know, I don't want to go on and on about this story, but, you know, through this experience, it was a nine month journey before he unfortunately passed away, you know, where there was amazing ups and downs. But you know what? I. Everything that I had known up to that point in my life was gone. You know, the normal was gone, which I think a lot of people are feeling now, like my, you know, completely uncertainty of what's happening. And so let me ask you, before.

We even get into what's going on in the world right now, I would love to understand a little bit more about that process with your son, because I can. That's any parents worst nightmare. I mean, any parents worst nightmare. And how did you Even begin to cope through that. Because I would imagine, like you just said, there was a lot of ups and downs, a lot of hope, like, this might not be as bad as it is. And then, oh, my gosh, this is doomsday. I would imagine a lot of emotions there, like, how did you even navigate that throughout time? And I'm curious about that. And then also how you've navigated after. And then we can kind of get into what's going on in the world now, because a lot of people listening either have a child that has been diagnosed with something or they went through this. And I think it would really help to understand that.

Sure, sure. Well, as you can imagine, there was a lot of ups and downs. I know from everything that I've done to go into the feelings that I'm having, not to push them away.

What does that mean to go into them?

The pain, the fear. At times you want to take a deep dive because it takes a lot of energy to keep everything out here. We typically numb ourselves or block them. And at times I did, you know, I had to. And then other times I would go directly into that pain and into that fear, you know, and the interesting thing was, is right before this happened, like, I grew up in a family that we weren't allowed to cry. You know, there was me, too, now. Me too. Yeah.

My dad used to hold a mirror up to me and make fun of me for crying when I was little. So I just learned, like, it's not good. You're not supposed to cry.

My mother was just in the mantra of, if you start crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about.

Yeah, my dad would say that, too. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. It was interesting, you know, and when I noticed that over the years when I would try to cry, because I know tears do so much healing work and things like that, I wasn't able to bring that up. And what I would feel was out of control in that moment. You feel uncomfortable because it's not a normal state to cry. Well, this, you know, I mean, I was crying on the floor, you know, in the intensive care room, outside of his room, of course, just laying there sobbing. So this, you know, right into the floodgates of losing it completely and, you know, and having again, like, we were over in Bangkok at the time, so we weren't around anything normal. We had a language barrier. We're using Google Translate. They did speak English at times, but you couldn't get every word and everything. But they were.

I'm assuming, you Were wondering, like, is this the best treatment for him here? Do we need, like, all of that?

Yes, absolutely. But you know what? That man saved his life. And they were phenomenal there. He actually. Jack actually received seven days a week, three times a day of pt, OT and speech therapy. I mean, incredible. And, you know, we're thinking, like, let's get back to Penn Hospital. And it's one of the top hospitals in the United States. And we get there, and I remember asking like, well, he needs therapy and can we get pt? And they're like, oh, would only get that, like, twice a week at best.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my gosh. So they really went. They were amazing. I actually wish we had stayed there.

So when did you know that this was not. He wasn't going to make it? Was it a shock? Did you have sort of a warning with this or what happened?

Well, here's the thing, too. I am a big believer of thoughts. Are. We create things. And so everything that I know, we dove into biology of belief. Bruce Lipton, you know, to really be in the state that you need to be in that moment that you can. And so when you asked me, when did I know he was not gonna make it? You know, they gave me their ideas of what was going to happen, and we didn't believe it, you know, and I also consciously chose. There was a moment that I remember very specifically because, you know, I would wake up in the middle of the night where I'm basically burying my child, you know, and seeing his death and just being terrified. And I had to decide that this is not going to serve me. You know, I am. My foundation of everything I do is we are all energy. Quantum physics. You know what we are. Every emotion that you are experiencing, you're having a physiological response, and it's vibrating on a certain level. So I made the conscious decision that I was going to interrupt that belief that he was gonna die. They don't know. They have no idea what's going to happen. And I tell you what, we had some major miracles in these moments of these nine months. Unfortunately, there were some medical mistakes, but I'm not gonna get into that. But, you know, but it was. It was a journey, obviously, but they. They could not believe the way he responded at times and how well he was doing at times. We weren't in the hospital the whole time. There was a time where he almost died in January and February. You know, we signed dnr. They said, you know, two days tops. And Jack came out of it. You know, they did. It was just Amazing. He learned how to walk for the third time and, you know, so. And then we went back home, and then he was going. He was walking 2.6 miles a day. Learned got back up to that. And he was the most resilient. You know, I teach resiliency. And it was just so interesting to have it mirrored back in such a profound way where I was learning from my son. Yeah, I mean, he just. The way he lived his life and the way he experienced his illness, I'm just amazed with his courage, with his grace and his resiliency, because he was more. We found things on his phone that let us know that he was more worried about. You know, he called us as caregivers. As caregivers. Then we were worried about him. He wanted to make sure we were okay so that we could take care of him. You know, he's my hero. He is absolutely my hero. But that choice that I made was, I'm not going to bury my son. I'm going to be open to the possibility that he can beat this, because he could. You know, and we went all in. And I had him working with energy workers and, you know, healers, and we nutritionally did a lot of things. And, you know, so we had the east meets west, whole thing coming together. And he chose. You know, there's a lot of things that I don't want to get into about, you know, what standard of care and things that are broken in our medical system and all that fun stuff. But, you know, he chose his path. And he chose his path all the way through the end when he could no longer speak, he was still absolutely cognizant. And they said, do you want to go home or do you want to stay here? And he was given thumbs up. And he decided which drugs he would continue to take. And, you know, just through the end, he was in charge, which was amazing. But, you know, I can think of nothing more terrifying than sitting by the hospital bed of my child and telling me that he has, you know, hours, potentially, or days, or he could throw a pulmonary butt.

I can't even.

And. And, you know, as his heart would rise up or, you know, he'd have difficulty breathing, and it's just like, is this it? Is this it? And so I would just bring my energy back into a state of peace. I would see him healthy and strong, and I would just play it over and over. And anytime, any thoughts of his death or anything, I ended up putting, like, a stop sign. Like, I would see, like. And then I would swipe it and Then, you know, I'd go right back to what I'm choosing, that he's safe, he's here. And again, like I said, we had moments that were amazing. He asked his girlfriend to marry him. Hospital bed. I mean, we snuck out of the hospital and went to the park around the corner and did all kinds of things. He would joke and eat pizza when he wasn't supposed to. And, yeah, he just blew me away.

So what I love about this journey here is just how you walked through it, because clearly you had the pain. It was horrible. But you chose to live in a belief system and a different reality during it than a lot of people do. Because. And what I like about that so much is that the alternative would have been just for you to be a mess and worried all the time and depressed and. Not that you didn't have those feelings, but it sounds like you lived in possibility and a different belief and gratitude and. And I want to. I'm curious about that, because that's a choice. And did you have to interrupt yourself from going to those worry thoughts or how did you smash the stop sign? But I think it's important.

I definitely would. Like I said, you know, I can control my conscious mind sometimes, like all of us, and then thoughts come in. Right. And once you have the awareness, that's where the power is. As soon as you start noticing that you're having these thoughts, I would bring it right back to, you know, Jack's right here, right now. And like I said, he was in good spirits. He was in, you know, for the most part. I mean, there were moments where it was rough, but there was just moments where he just wanted to be with all of us. And me being present and in a clear and peaceful state, I believe allowed that. Like, I protected my energy. That was my job, was to protect the energy that I was experiencing. And there was only one day that I remember, you know, that something happened that threw my energy off. And I ended up bringing. I had to bring Jack's girlfriend back, who had stayed overnight the day before. And I felt bad, but I knew my energy was thrown off. And I didn't want to bring that negative energy around Jack because. And so I kind of leaned into that strength that it's my job as a mother, you know, we bring out our, you know, mama bear claws, Right?

Yeah.

And we protect everything, you know, I'm on the doctors on everything, making sure that he is as comfortable as he could be in every situation. And if I couldn't bring good energy, then I knew I Needed to step out.

So how did the passing of Jack, how did that and everything you went through fuel your passion and your purpose with what you do now?

So the passion, Jack's passing, obviously the most difficult thing. I am so grateful he was home and I'm grateful, you know, how he passed was peaceful. He did wake up, you know, he was kind of in an out of. I like to say he was out of his body most of the time, in my opinion. But he came back and he wasn't able to speak when he brought him home for the hospital. And all of a sudden he opened his eyes and he speak and you know, he told me he loved me and he told me he was choosing to live. And you know, I didn't think to ask him at that point, you know, which side are you choosing to live on? You know. So for me, when he passed, there is no way he is not here because he has proven to me over and over in really wonderful ways with different signs and things that he is still right here with me. So it kind of challenged all of my beliefs. I'm very, you know, I, over the years, I'm very spiritual in the sense of connection that we are part of something much greater and we are multi dimensional beings. You know, some people say we're spirits, you know, having this human experience. And you know, I absolutely, I guess always knew that on a, on a knowledge base level. But I truly didn't start living it until that moment. Because I tell you what, if my son's out there, which he has proven to me, I'm going to find any and every way that I can connect with him and be with him.

So does that give you a lot of comfort to know that I would.

Imagine, yes, that gives me so much comfort. I mean, he's, he's my kid, he's just transitioned and he's still right here. He's everywhere now and he can help us all. Yes, I mourn. Yes, I grieve. You know, every day it's a choice to get out of bed and every day it's, you know, it is difficult to make that choice that I'm going to lean into his strength that he showed me while he was here, lean into the way that he showed us all how to live. He was very emotionally intelligent as a kid and just everybody loved him and he lived with joy, he lived with strength. So he taught me a lot of lessons and I'm really grounded in that and I borrow his strength and I want him to be proud of me.

Yeah, I'M sure he is.

But my mission, you asked me about that, my purpose in life. So before, like I said, everything was much more on a knowledge based level. And I knew I wanted to help people with peace. I'm part of a nonprofit that helps people or help, you know, is to bring peace to the world is the mission, women's rights, things like that. And I believe that we can't have world peace until we have internal peace within ourselves. So my whole mission, and I call it Personal Peace Project or Peace Boss, I want us all to be the boss of peace in our own lives. To claim it, to truly choose and claim and anchor into that peace. Because peace is within all of us and we could have it at any moment. It's there. It doesn't matter what's happening on the outside, the storm, whatever it is, internally, there is that peace. It's home.

Yeah, I have so many questions right now about how you get there, but let's talk about what's going on in the world right now. Because this is for many people their first massive disruption. So someone like you, you've had greater things happen in your world. I actually personally have too. So this to me is still a shock, it's still very challenging. But I know I've been through things before, but to many people this is a massive disruption. And there feel like a lot of people are operating almost from their reptile brain. They're just in this freeze panic, like they don't know what to do. They're just living in this worry and this fear. So talk to us about that because I'm sure I want to know how you're navigating through it, what you're seeing and then what you would, how you would help people with this.

Sure. Well, there's a lot of similarities with grief, you know, and we hear about the five stages of grief, you know, the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And you know, I like those five stages of grief, but I can't live in those five stages of grief. They're too limiting for me. First of all, it's not linear. I'm all over the board. So this experience right now, you know, everybody's, I'm sure feeling our normal is gone, our freedoms are gone. The things that we thought like the sun rising every single day, that we could go out to the coffee shop, I mean, you know, just a few weeks ago, nobody would have guessed that we wouldn't be able to go to a restaurant and get food or connect with other people or even just the idea of like going out and shaking somebody's hand is almost seeming foreign to us now. Right. So there's a lot of uncertainty in our lives. And that uncertainty, it makes us feel like nothing solid. Right. There's nothing that the foundation that we have lived our entire lives is gone. And so, of course, there's a lot of fear. There's a lot of things that are disorienting to us. And, you know, so stepping into. And realizing that, you have to realize that there's no. There's. That the normal is gone. And so I want you to think of that uncertainty and start learning how you can. I'm going to give you some tools and techniques to do that, to really embracing the uncertainty of that. Because in that uncertainty, you know, all of our habits are kind of shaken up too. We're feeling. When you're feeling uncomfortable, it's a great opportunity to start growing, because we don't grow in our comfort zone. Right.

Yeah. So help with that because I literally have the word surrender tattooed on my arm because I know how important it is to. To embrace things and feel them and just let them be versus trying to numb them out. But my tendency is to want to numb out, avoid worry, fear, all the things. And literally that's why it's tattooed on my arm. So I can try remind myself. But I think a lot of people don't really know how to do that. So what they're doing instead is they scroll Facebook and they want to commiserate with people and they want to fear monger be part of that. And they want to get other people scared. Like they're enrolling everybody in their scare being scared. And then they're. And then there's numbing out to deal with it, drinking more. There's a lot of memes going around about. About wine and, you know, or they're really just sleeping more. They're just.

It's so.

And that doesn't help anyone. It doesn't help anyone. So this is uncomfortable, what you're sharing, what you're asking to do, and I want to help people with it. It's uncomfortable. It's not natural for people.

Right. Well, so when. When my clients come to me, you know, it's interesting because we kind of get into a partnership that we're going to manipulate. We're going to choose to manipulate your thoughts and ways of being so kind of thinking of it as a challenge or a game. So I would want to challenge everyone here to kind of start looking at it as a game and start looking at the awareness right now, everybody's patterns are your uncomfortableness is up. So like I said, it's a great opportunity. And choosing the lens that you're going to start looking through it, realizing what you can control and what you can't control is a big, obviously important task. So we can't control anything that's going on outside of our homes, right? Anything outside of the world. But what you can control is your state. Your state. Like I said, becoming the peace boss that we want you to become, you have to claim and protect your state. Remember how I practice protected my energy with Jack? Same thing here. So protecting your state. If watching the news is throwing you off, if running through Facebook is throwing you off, you need to stop. It's a choice. And find alternatives that will work for you. Like I read my news, I don't watch the news. I get my information a different way. I don't turn on the TV and just let that filter in throughout my day because all that's doing is creating anxiety. Right? It's shifting your energy. So noticing what your energy is now.

That'S so interesting because I somebody who really works on this and I don't typically watch the news or engage in that or even my regular Facebook. And I was noticing my anxiety at an all time high and I checked my phone and I had spent six hours on Facebook in a day and I thought, okay, well that explains it. Yeah, I turned the block on my phone. How we can do that on our phones to, to block the amount of time. And it changed everything for me. Very just so simple. It's an addiction. It's an addiction. When you start doing, you don't even realize. People don't even realize. I didn't even realize how much I was looking at that.

Well, and we justify it because this is a crisis. So we need to stay on top of the news. We need to stay on, you know, what's going on with our friends, how is everybody else? And I want you to connect. So like when you're connecting with other people, that's great. You're doing one on one or doing zoom calls. Everybody's into zoom now. Right. And having fun with that, but really allowing that in when you're doing that, letting that connection, making it important. I call it intentional. Being intentional and creating rituals. So that's bringing an awareness and a mindfulness in the moment, you know, does that make sense? Yeah, totally does bring that energy in. So like even just sitting here talking with you, you know, I can just allow myself to feel that energy of you and feeling the connection and how wonderful it is to be able to connect with you.

So what do you tell people when a feeling feels uncomfortable? Like, they're like, I feel uncomfortable right now, but I need to feel this. What do you tell? How do they do that?

So the way to do that, I learned this from a Buddhist monk is to. And you know, I call it deep diving into that feeling. And like I said before, you know, there's. Our brain takes 30% of our energy, which is a lot of energy. And if we're learning something new or doing something new, then all of a sudden, more energies coming up. Fear. It takes a lot of energy. Like you said, people are into Facebook, they're into drinking, they're into distracting, to numbing, to not dealing with the uncomfortable feeling. Right. So you need to make space to go into that uncomfortable feeling. So I would suggest, you know, getting quiet, whether you're sitting down or lying down, wherever it's more comfortable for you, and bringing up that feeling, noticing it where it is. Again, we can't change. You know, to me, the mind is very limited. You know, if you're trying to lose weight, you know how to lose weight, right? We all know how to lose weight. What gets in the way is the emotions that we have around that. Whether there's, you know, baggage that we're bringing in, or feeling like we have this addiction, or we're protecting ourselves with our weight, we're bringing in all of these emotions. So to me, feelings are the fuel of change. That's where we change, is getting out of the thoughts and into the feelings. And the best way to get out of the thoughts is getting into the body. So again, finding someplace comfortable, closing your eyes and really allowing yourself to deep dive into that feeling. Where is it in your body? Identify where it is. What does it feel like? Is there any color attached to it? You know, can you. Our mind thinks in colors and memories, and it doesn't think like we do think. Obviously in the cortex, we have higher level thinking, which is amazing, but really, most of the behavior is done unconsciously. So in that feeling is what's going to allow you to interrupt and deal with that thing. So go into the uncertainty, whatever fear you're having, Uncomfortable feeling, and sit with it, be with it. Notice what's behind it. Ask what is behind this and layer it. It will probably, you know, something will come up in your mind of what it is, and then ask what's behind that thought and then see what's behind that until you get to the core, which, as you know, most of us will go down to the core of, you know, just right now we might be. Fear of survival, fear of our family. You know, are we going to be safe? You know, are we truly safe? Am I loved and am I enough? You know, all of these things are going to be at the core of our being. And when you get down to that, just hold it. And here's the thing, is that when you get down to that, that feeling in that moment can't last. And believe me, I've done it with all of these feelings with Jack and the experience. I can. You can't hold that feeling. It dissipates.

It can't last. Explain what that means in that moment.

When you finally go into that feeling. We're so afraid of going into the feeling that we always. When you finally do the deep dive and you go in and you really feel that feeling, and you kind of layer back and see what's underneath it and get to that fear, and then you're holding that fear, imagine it starts to let go. It just starts dissipating.

I. Because you're letting. You're letting it come up and bubble up and do its thing versus you.

Just stuffing it back down, stuff it back down. And we don't let it teach us, you know, we're letting it teach us where we have feelings and emotions for a reason.

Yeah, I love that expression. What's coming is going. And that's what's coming up for me right now. That, like, if it's. It's. It just wants to go, but you have to let it do its course correct.

And within 90 seconds, that's gone. And it doesn't mean that it won't come back. But if you do this process again and again, you notice that the energy of it, it starts neutralizing it, and then it eventually just kind of goes right. So you've taken its power away. And if you're naming the fear, there's a lot of, you know, name it to tame it. You know, when you name it, what you're experiencing. Because most of us, like I said, keep it so far out of us because we don't even want to fear it. So we don't even identify what it is. We keep it outside of ourselves. And when you name it, I mean, science is showing that at least 50% of that energetic charge is gone from that feeling as soon as you name it. Then if you're doing the deep dive and you're truly feeling it and taking it to the core it dissipates, it's gone. And then you can go about your day and go about your life again. Everything is a part subconscious and conscious work. And so this is a conscious dive into the fear. It's a choice.

So if I'm hearing you correctly, the two steps so far for what's going on in the world right now would be really one, to control your environment the best that you can. So block out anything that's giving you that anxiety or that fear. So control what's coming in. And then two, when you are having those feelings, find some time and a place and space to actually sit with them and feel them. And like you said, name it, identify color, go back as far as you can in your body to, like, where you're actually feeling it. Is that correct so far? Right.

Okay, yes, definitely. And, you know, I want you to also. So there's also habits. You know, most of us habitually are probably experiencing this. You know, we have certain thoughts, we have certain beliefs. You know, little beliefs are what holding, you know, the language around it. So what are you telling yourself throughout the day? Again, like, you're protecting your state. That's your key thing. Your mission is to protect how you're feeling in the moment, your state. I call it state management, your peace. You want to. You want to start developing a relationship with this piece, which I'm going to give you a way to do that later on. And then you're in this state, but you also have to look at the habits, your thought habits and things like that. And so there's going to be times where you're going to do the deep dive, and then there's times where you're going to habitually just move it. You know, like I said about Jack, like, if a thought came up about him dying, I would push that off at times. So it's a blend of both, you know. Have you ever heard the story of, you know, which wolf are you feeding?

I haven't heard that story. So. What? No.

Well, it's very much like what color lens that you're looking at something through, right? You know, so there's a Native American who is walking with his grandson. He's the chief, and he's telling his grandson that within each of us, there are two wolves. It's the wolf of light and love and happiness and joy and all the goodness in the world. And then there's also the darkness. And that wolf is anger, hate, this unsettled, uncomfortable feelings that have the fear, right? And he tells his grandson that these Wolves are with you throughout your entire life that they are constantly battling. And the grandson is thinking about it for a minute, and he looks up and he says, well, which wolf wins? And the grandfather says, it depends on which one you feed. So at times, we want to remove and feed only the good wolf, right throughout the day. Looking at our habits, what's our language? What do you. How are you talking about this experience? Are you talking about it that it's a negative thing, that we're locked down, we can't get out? Or is this an experience, an opportunity for you to connect with your families or even connect with yourself and grow and change?

So now what do we do if we're working really hard to live in that space? Like, okay, I'm not watching the news. I'm, you know, not on Facebook. I'm. I'm appreciating my. That I'm safe at home, I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing all these things, but my husband or. But my. My friend or. But my. Everybody else is telling me why I need it. Like, almost the people that are living in the fear and the worry, they want to, like, put that on the people that are finding the peace in it. How do we handle that?

Why do you think that they're doing that?

Because they want to be validated. They want to be. They want to know that their fear and their worry is justified. Which, you know, and I. And I don't believe that people that are in gratitude of I've got more time, they're not in denial. They're just really controlling their minds right now, which is brilliant, because what's the alternative? Like, why do we want to live in that other space? But I know, I do notice that people that live in that worry and fear, it's almost like they're fighting to convince anyone else in a peaceful state that they shouldn't be peaceful.

Well, I would validate them, and I validate myself if I'm having a moment of fear, like I said, that's when I go into the fear and I allow myself to own that. That experience. Because to say that there's no uncertainty and there's no worry for us, I mean, that would be ridiculous, right? So I would absolutely tell them that I hear what they're saying and I understand what you're feeling, but this is what I'm choosing to do about it. Would you like me to show you how you can do it?

Oh, that's so good. The way you just said that was perfect. I love that. So it's not. It's not. Don't talk to me or stop. I don't want to hear it. I hear you, and it's. It is scary. Let me share what I'm doing.

Yes. Because they want to be validated, too. They just don't have the tools and techniques, in my opinion. We just haven't been taught this.

Yeah.

You know, like, that's why I want to teach as many people as we can to control our state and to make these choices.

Yes.

And to do it not just from a intellectual level, again from a much more visceral. It's called embodied cognition. When you bring it into the body, into the cells, it transmutes and transforms again with the feelings or the fuel of change.

So good. Okay, give us some more tools, because this is really good. This is helpful.

So what have we done so far? I love my resource state, so let me go to that. So, you know, for me, I always teach my clients to go to whatever you are experiencing if you are feeling. Let's just say I'm feeling really sad that I can't be out there, that my kids are not experiencing college like they want to. You know, there. There's a lot of grief going on in all kinds of ways, you know, and so if I'm feeling sad in the moment and it's okay to ebb and flow, like we're going to have these feelings, like that's a normal thing. It's because I'm conscious of my state. It doesn't mean I don't allow myself to have that feeling. I just don't drop down, stay there in that negative space. Does that make sense?

It totally makes sense. It totally makes sense.

That's a normal thing. We wouldn't want to always be up, because that's not real.

Yeah.

You know, it's this. I like to say it's like an infinity sign. You want to stay within the infinity of, you know, the emotions. They're good and they're bad and they're ebbing and they're flowing. But if I'm feeling sadness or if I'm feeling alone and disconnected. So if I'm feeling sad, I want to feel happy. You know, just imagine what is the. The opposite of what I'm feeling. And like I said, this is just a game. These are all like little mind games. And again, we're consciously manipulating your mind. A way of being. To create something new. Right. To get what you want to be living in that piece. So this is like brain training. Brain training. And you're you know, I want everybody to think like for the next week to go all out, you know, to give all of these tools a try, do the brain training, see what happens, you know, make your own choice after you go all in. So the resource state is the opposite of what you're feeling. And I want you to close your eyes and then I also want you to breathe with a longer exhale. So every thought we have engages the autonomic nervous system. And so either the sympathetic or the parasympathetic. So that's either, you know, adrenaline, which is where a lot of us are, the cortisol levels are rising, the epinephrine is there in your, in your brain or the relaxation state, you know, and so if we're engaging, start thinking, I'm sorry, the breathing. So if you're taking a breath and you release a longer breath, so in through your nose for like a count of four, and then exhale through your mouth for like six to eight, it's that longer exhale and that longer exhale is so simple. But it is absolutely. Again in 90 seconds it will shift your state from the sympathetic to the parasympathetic to the relaxation.

So you know what, now what's interesting is I'm not somebody I know I need to meditate. And I've never been somebody who can really get into meditation. But what's worked for me, and it's taken a lot of practice, but what it's worked for me is breathwork. And even like you said, just the simple, just in breathing in through my nose, out of my mouth, like if I'm breathing in for three seconds, out for six, that and then getting into self hip hypnosis, those two things I feel give me that same result as meditation without it being like sitting there trying to meditate.

Well, all of these things, the breath work, you're. As soon as you're engaging the parasympathetic nervous system, you're in self hypnosis, dropping into the brain state. That is hypnosis. So, you know, people come to me, they want to learn how to meditate. And the idea that terrifies them, like, oh my gosh. And, and these are many things that you can do that will absolutely lead you into that space if you want to continue to be able to do it. But they can be done quickly. That's what I love is like, you know, they're quick things that you can do that absolutely shift your state and then consciously choose the language that you want. Languages, words are sacred. So once you're breathing, you're doing. The longer exhales or closing your eyes, you. You've thought of the opposite thing. So if I'm lonely, I want to feel at a time when I was very connected, right? And if you bring up a memory so your brain has no idea what's real and what's not. You know, they've already. They've taken people in functional MRI machines and like, there's a one guy and they. They can see what's going on in his brain. They. You could see if they asked him to play a keyboard, and he's playing a keyboard and they can see everything that's firing off to make that work. And then they take the keyboard away and they look at the same thing and he's imagining it. And the same exact thing is happening in the brain when you imagine it or not. So what's great about when you imagine is so powerful because you're creating 80% of the neuron networks that you'd need to perform this in real life. So just imagining. So when you're bringing up that memory, you know, if you're bringing up a good memory, your body has no idea that this is not actually happening. Same thing that we're doing when we're, you know, you're talking about those people that are in that trauma, the fight, flight, or freeze. They're bringing up every part of their trauma, and all day long, in my opinion, they're torturing themselves because physiologically they're having that reaction. They're in fight, flight, or freeze, and their body doesn't know what to do with all of these chemicals. They are flooded with chemicals. So if you bring up that good memory, you all of a sudden, your brain has no idea that you're not living that. And so you're in that space of when I was connected and being with my friends or whatever it is that I want to connect with. And for that 90 seconds or that two minutes that I do, that I call them mini vacations throughout the day where you're feeding the good wolf, where you're feeding your body, you're. You're bathing in that energy of connection. And it shifts your state in such a way that you're like, you know, in my opinion, you're like. Like, yes. So, you know, and then. And then telling myself that. That I am safe right here, right now. I use that mantra. I use that mantra all through with Jack, you know, right here, right now, he's safe. Right here, right now, I'm safe. There's very few Times in our life when we can not go to that space. Because even with all of this happening for those that aren't sick, you know, we are safe. You are safe right there in your home. You really are. And so anchoring into that feeling of being safe right there in your home is powerful.

And then, so you're not going to like, oh, it's not likely that it's going to happen to me. You're just, you're literally bringing to the right to the present, like, moment. Like in this present moment, walking my dog or sitting in my home or talking with my spouse, like there's nothing, there's nothing to fear. But we're bringing in those external things and creating fear when there's just no need. So I get.

So you're.

It's not even because I see some people going, well, it's unlikely I'll get that. But that's not what you're talking about. You're saying like, literally this moment right.

Now, literally this moment, you don't, you know, you're fine, right? You're, you're healthy, you're fine. And also, why would I bring in the idea that my immune system's weak, you know, so again, I'm the boss. I'm the boss of my emotions. I'm the peace boss. And so I'm going to bring in that my immune system is healthy, that my family is safe, that I am protected and imagining, you know, I bring obviously prayers to everybody in the world and protect them. But obviously we need to take care of ourselves. And if we can all raise our energy, you know, what this is going to do throughout this experience, experience of choosing the good wolf, you know, the peace, the love is amazing. You know, we can really, really transform in ways that are incredible. I love what's already happening in this world. People are showing up, people are showing coming in love, people are connecting. We're realizing how amazing it is to be able to have connections with people, you know, and to go to a restaurant will be grateful for the small little things. Like this is an incredible time of my knowledge. Everyone around the world is experiencing the exact same thing. This is a planetary global opportunity. Opportunity of changing the ways that we are, but most importantly, how we are being in the moment, how we're showing up in this world. It's a call to action for each of us to choose to lead in our own life and lead first by changing and controlling your state.

This is beautiful. How are you personally feeling about, I mean, I know you're sharing right now. About gratitude and everything, when you're. How are you personally putting everything into perspective right now? Is it that living in that gratitude and just what's going on in your mind around this with what you know?

Well, here's the fun thing about beliefs and what I have learned. Like when Jack died, you know, why would I choose to believe that he's dead? Like, dead dead, no energy, nothing, nowhere in existence. I wouldn't be able to survive that. And a belief. There's no reality to a belief. It's just something that we're choosing. And so this is what I help people with all the time. You know, what is your. Is your belief empowering you or disempowering you? So the belief that Jack was dead or that this is something, you know, that we can't rise up and we can't take as an opportunity? We have this gift of, you know, things have slowed down. We get to work on ourselves. You know, things can change. And it's a great opportunity. I just. I'm choosing to see it as a great opportunity, you know, but there's. There's reality things, obviously, about finances and my kids are, you know, home from college, not having the great experience, and there's a lot of grief in that. And that was, you know, my daughter, for the first time, has been really happy the last couple months. She's really figured. She's a freshman in college, and she figured out the freshman. And there hasn't been that much time where she wasn't feeling grief because we've all been grieving Jack, and they were just moving to a place where there was joy. And so, yes, it's disheartening. Yes, it's painful. Yes, there's no escape. But, you know, that was the thing with Jack. When he got sick, I could not leave this reality if I wanted to. Like, how am I in this reality? And how do I get out? And there's no escape. And the same thing is here. We're trapped in this experience. We can't. You can't fly across the world. Right. It's happening there.

Right. It's happening everywhere.

Every day that you wake up, this is the, you know, the new experience. And it can either be a nightmare or it can be an opportunity.

Yeah.

And which way are you going to look at that? And, you know, I lean into realizing that there's something bigger happening, you know, something. A higher power of some sort, and that's just me. But if people have beliefs, I know there's a lot of good in that to really yeah. So. And again, it goes back to choice. You know, it's a powerful moment.

This is really, really helpful today, Nel. This is really helpful.

And then if you want to, you know, to ground yourself, because again, you know, that uncertainty, that feeling, a great thing to do is just to go outside, take off your shoes, put your feet in the grass, close your eyes, do that breathing as you stand there and just feel.

You know what's so funny? I always heard that about grounding yourself, and I never really understood it until I was in Costa Rica and I was working on going through a bunch of spiritual work. And I swear I feel it now. Like, I literally feel like if I'm barefoot in the grass, I'm draining negative energy into the ground. It's like, I get it now, but.

Have you done that?

Yeah, I've done it. And so anyone listening that's like, what is she talking about? Just go do it. Because I swear.

Yep. Drain that energy into the earth. Mother Earth knows what to do with it.

Yeah. But it's. I feel it. It's really healing to me now to do that.

I used to bring the kids when they were younger outside, the neighbors, too, and we would. I'd have them do that, take their shoes off, and it was so cute because, like, they absolutely would feel it. They'd get so excited. And then as they got older and teens, and they're like, oh, you're a crazy tree hugger, and stuff like that. And. And now they're coming back. You know, they're kind of coming back and they realize that there's so much science behind it now.

But even if you don't believe it, just do it. Because it works.

Just do it. Yes. Open your mind and experience it.

Yeah. This was super helpful today. Where can people find you if they want to learn more?

So if you. I actually started a Facebook group called Resilient Mind.

Okay.

Mind group. Yeah. I'm doing some Facebook lives I have. Obviously, I want to also offer a hypnosis audio to.

Okay. Amazing. Yeah.

All of these tools that we kind of went over, I'll put them in a much more concise way of how they can go through and do that. They can either find it in the group email or you can go to resilientmindcoaching.com Peace.

Okay. And I'll put all this in the show notes, but say those two links again just in case, because I know sometimes it's harder to find the show notes. So the Facebook group name and then the link again.

The Facebook group name is Resilient Mind Group and The website is resilientmindcoaching.com Peace.

Awesome. Thank you so much Nell.

Thank you. And thank you for all that you do and showing up for your tribe. You're amazing.

Thank you. Thanks for leveling up with us today. Please share this episode if you found it helpful so others can join in. And don't forget to hit that subscribe so you don't miss out on future shows. And if you would leave me a five star review. I appreciate those so much. I read all of them and it's how I know that I'm giving you information that you find valuable and come interact with me over on Instagram at Natalie Jill Fit. I read all the direct messages and comments over there. Make it a great day. Creating everything from nothing.