199: Turning Sexual Abuse into Purpose with Aimee Cabo Nikolov

Hi, I'm Natalie Jill, fat loss expert turned high performance coach. When odds are stacked against us, how do we shift and create everything from nothing? How do we level up when we aren't feeling it yet or we've had a big setback? On this podcast, I'll be talking to some of the most inspiring and courageous men and women on this planet who at their worst, learned how to achieve success greater than they ever dreamed possible. Leveling up and creating everything from nothing. How does someone who walks through years of unimaginable sexual and verbal abuse as a child come out on the other side more than okay? Today, meet Amy Cabo Nikolov. Amy is a Cuban American who after many years of healing, finding love, raising a family, and evolving her relationship with God allowed her true grit and courage to shine through, leading to an un honest, thought provoking memoir. Join in today and learn exactly how Amy Cabo leveled up and created everything from nothing.

Today I've got Amy Cabo. And Amy, thank you so much for being here today and chatting with me.

Thank you.

So, my gosh, I want to dive into this story and I know this is a trauma that was a long time ago for you, but there's so many people listening that have experienced this in their own childhood that maybe know somebody that experienced in their own childhood. And there's many people listening that have never really processed or dealt with it. And you clearly have. You are somebody that totally took a pain and something that is a horrible trauma and turned it into a purpose and how you can empower others. So we're talking today about sexual abuse as a child and from somebody that's a family member that you trust, someone that you are looking at as maybe a father figure. And that's what brings Amy here today.

She.

Amy, take us back. You have a stepfather that came into your life. You said it around the age of three.

Yes. At three years old, I was supposed to have the perfect family. Granted, both my parents were doctors or in medical school. That's where my mother met him. But by the time I was seven years old, it was evident that he had been sexually abusing me when it was painful to use the bathroom. And my mother witnessed it. And when I told her about it, she fought with him. And he came out disheveled and said that he was sick, that he was going to go get help and that he was leaving. But as a little girl at 7 years old, all I understood was that I tore up the family and he returned. Then two days later, I knew never to say Anything again, Never to say anything again, only for it to progress on a daily basis until I was 15, where he would divergentize me when I was 12 and sodomize me by the time I was 14.

Wow.

When I told my sister, then the case from hell came about. All the children were removed. The perfect family that people thought they were. Were not. Even though my mother's a genius and a neurologist. And I went to psychiatric hospitals. Two of them. The rest of the kids went to my sister. After the psychiatric hospitals, I went to foster homes in which one of those foster homes I got raped. They weren't. And then I ran away from that. And I went to the Miami Bridge, but I ran away from that. And I ended up in a relationship at 16 with somebody I felt I loved, but only ended up in a domestic violence relationship. And I lost the first child because of that.

Oh, Amy.

Gosh.

Just so much stuff. So much stuff. Before you keep going, I do have a lot of questions and a lot of clarifying questions, and I want people to really understand this because. And hear from you, because I think it's important that you do speak up around this, because there's a lot of things that I'm hearing that really happened and change your belief system around things. But let me back up to when you were a child and he was sexually abusing you and your mom really didn't know. You didn't really. This didn't really come out until age 7. What were you deciding as a kid when he was doing this? Before the age of seven, did you think this was normal? Were you checking out when it was happening? What was your relationship like with him outside of that? Can you talk a little bit about that?

God protects the innocent. I don't think I understood when I was seven what was going on, whether it was right, wrong, or indifferent. I know that I felt uncomfortable that when I was even younger than that, when they were. When he was showing his brother like. Like an exam of the pelvis, I felt uncomfortable. And I remember times that I felt uncomfortable. But as a child, you really don't know that what's going on is wrong.

So did you. Did you think of him as a father figure? Did you like him outside of that? Were you fearing him?

He was the only father I knew. I didn't know any different. So that's all there was to it. I'm 15. I'm now an orphan. And this great big family of eight kids, nine kids, everyone's gone. My whole life drastically changes, and I'm.

Digging there because I'm wondering if you just said, God protects the innocent. I'm just trying to imagine a child being abused. It's almost what happens if they check out during it, if they're just not really aware what's happening. Like, it's interesting how you. You manage that, because, you know, I'm just thinking of, like, my daughter or other kids that I know, like, what that would look like if they're. They feel like they're hiding a secret or if they're just going into another world in their mind when it was happening.

Well, it's almost like when you're in survival mode.

Mm.

So when you're in survival mode and when you're doing something, you're very, very focused. You kind of don't know how you even did it until later on. It hits you. That's kind of how it is when you're a kid. It's survival mode. You're kind of disconnected from what can hurt you.

That makes sense.

It hits you until you're able to breathe again.

Got it.

Until all the noise slows down.

So then it looks like your mom cares and is doing what she can do. And she sees this as like, oh, my gosh, he needs to go out. This is horrible. But what. What did you decide when she let him back in? What did you decide at that time?

That I'll never do that to the family again. I blamed myself, and everyone was crying that their father was gone, and everyone was upset, and I destroyed the family.

Wow.

So.

So what an incredible story of, like, how our mind protects us during trauma or whatever instead of getting acknowledged for standing up. And you became the victim again in a different way of, wow, I broke up the family.

Well, somehow the child never wants to believe their parents are bad. They want to believe that their parents are heroes. So the child rather blame themselves and because maybe believing that the person that's supposed to love you and not betray you is too hurtful.

Yeah. Wow. How did you feel about your family when you put it back together in the way that you thought you put it back together? Were you feeling at peace with that? Did you lose trust in people? What was happening with that?

You know, I've been very grateful to God that one good thing about my family is that my mother was religious. Even though she would say that God spoke to her through the Bible, she still taught us about God and she still taught us to pray. And I always kept close to God for the most part. Of course, there was a time that I went astray and that with the custody battles and all the other things that I went through that led me astray. And I went through the depressions and also when my daughter almost got killed. The one thing that's been constant is that I have been through many things in life, but I've never given up hope. Because I've always believed that God. There's always God. And there came a time where I believed that I was not worthy of God loving me, that I was not good enough for God to love me only because of the things that I had to do to survive, only because my actions and everything. I had developed negative coping mechanisms. I had become addicted to drugs. I went astray. And it wasn't until I realized I have to turn to God. It was the only way that I can find myself. Yeah, I tried every medication and I tried and therapy, and nothing, nothing, nothing would work. But what happened was when all the. All the big problems finished, when my daughter survived almost getting killed and I no longer had problems, then I forgot. I forgot to pray every day. I forgot to pray every day. And it's incredible how the enemy can capture you so quickly and you become so negative and you can become so depressed.

Amy, let me ask you this, because there's a lot of people listening that have faith, that are religious, that believe in a God, higher power, and there's people listening that do not. And I'm not personally here to sway people either direction, but what I want to know from you, do you personally feel that healing could come in different ways for people, or is this the only way it could come? I'm curious.

It can come in many different ways because God provides. He does. For me personally, it was prayer for me. Once I started praying every day, I started seeing the glass half full instead of half empty. I would see things in a different light. I mean, I. I would. I was living instead of just hating the fact that I was alive. I was grateful to be alive. I wanted to do good things. I wanted to do the right thing. Once I believed that God loves me because I didn't believe. I didn't realize that I was praying without faith. I didn't believe that God did not love me, that I'm saying that his death in the. In the cross was for nothing. And I'm belittling that. So once I believed that God loved me, I was able to forgive myself.

Yeah, you know, that's. It's really.

I was able to believe in myself again.

It's very powerful because I've interviewed a lot of People that have overcome drug addiction and they. They all talk about a higher power, whatever that means to them, that they needed that to help lift them.

Yes. Because, I mean, you give somebody a scenario, any kind of scenario, they can give you that positive, negative, any given scenario. And with God in your life, there is no negative. I mean, even I used to think how miserable it was to suffer. And I'm thinking anytime I suffer, it's a good opportunity to win. Grace is in heaven. It's a good opportunity to do the right thing. It's a good opportunity to prove myself. It's a good opportunity to try even harder. It's something I can learn from. So you just see things in a different light.

How is your relationship with your family now?

I have a great relationship with my immediate family. Do you.

So you. Have you. Have you forgiven? Have you. Are you. How are you with your mom? Do you have a relationship with the stepdad that did this to you?

Well, the family I came from, the family I have now is a great relationship, but the family I came from, there is no communication whatsoever.

Okay.

The last time I saw my mother was when I was 18, that I. I ran away to her house just to give birth to my daughter. When they stayed recorded my stepfather admitting to it. And that was 18. I'm 45. I. Wow.

So no communication with them anymore?

Any.

Yeah, any.

Whatsoever. I sent her an email not too long ago letting her know that I'm no one to judge her, that I forgive her, I love her regardless. And the response wasn't nice. So do you.

Do you worry that you're there? Do you worry that your stepfather does this to other people?

I hope that the exposure of the case from hell was enough to give him restraint, but I'm afraid that this is a sickness. It may not be enough.

Yeah. What do you advise? If somebody's listening right now that is being abused or is dealing with maybe their own child, they're fighting this. Do you have any advice for them?

It can be a long road. It can be a tough road. You can be in denial for a long time and set it aside. And my best advice for you, because they've been through it. I've been through a lot of things, but my best advice is to pray. Never give up hope and pray. There wasn't a time that I've been depressed, that I don't feel better after. I pray that God doesn't play a nice song that I need to hear. Somebody tells me something nice, something good happens. As long as you ask God for help. He'll help you. He's dying to. I mean, well, died for it, so he can. And all they have to do is ask. And you'd be surprised how your life will turn around, how your life will change, how there will be opportunities that you didn't even know about, talents you didn't know you had. I mean, it's just. It just opens a whole new world. It's almost as if. And I learned that the resurrection of Jesus Christ makes you a new creature, brings you into a whole new life.

Amy, would you. If there. I know there's also people listening that are thinking. But I did pray. But I do pray, and he's not listening or it's still happening to me. What would you say to that?

You take one day at a time. Because I pray too. I pray so hard. God, please. I don't want to get angry. That's my thing. I don't like to get angry. My mother was a very angry person. I don't want to be that. And so, you know, it's hard because sometimes you do get frustrated and sometimes you do get angry and you get it right away. So what does it bring? In my mind, blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it. And God said, love is slow to anger. And so if you focus on that and you just keep trying, eventually something's gotta give.

Yeah.

Don't give up.

Got it. Okay. How have you turned this, Amy, now into a purpose? Because you're helping a lot of people now. Can you speak into that?

Well, I did not know that in prayer. I got this really strong urge to write the story of my life. I was told to do when I was 15. I thought it was crazy, but I did. I would get up every day at six o', clock, three o' clock in the morning and write for about six months. And I wrote my book, I wrote my memoir. And then I didn't realize how it was helping people. Not only that, how it helped me. Having to revisit everything and come to terms with everything, feel everything and go through the motions and. And open a wound to clean it up really good and seal it for life. And I didn't realize that so many people, it was helping them that they were able to relate, that they appreciated the honesty. And I thought, well, maybe my past, everything that I went through, wasn't in vain because my truth is serving as a tool to help others. And so, so I carried it one step further. I started a radio show called the Cure, basically dealing with any kind of suffering because we all suffer or have suffered from something and there's always a solution. Because why? Because God overcame the world. And I'm a positive person. I believe in that. And I even got an app, the cure to listen to episodes. And I basically go through any kind of suffering from what you would think is not suffering at all, to what is biggest suffering to what you think people would not suffer off to. Yeah, I mean from anything. Any kind of suffering at all. Amy, I just want to help.

Do you look at your past now as a place of. This happened to me like this. Does it give you a negative charge or do you look at it as. I'm glad this happened to me because it brought me to here. I'm just curious how you look at it now.

I'm grateful. I'm grateful for all my experiences in life. Nothing happens by accident. Nothing happens without God's permission. Had I not gone through everything that I gone through, how could I even be understanding to someone else that went through something similar? Had I not gone through. I mean, would I even have the kind of. Would I even be the kind of person that I am today? Would I know the things that I know? Would I have the ability to help others in the way that I am? So yes, I'm very grateful.

That's really good. If somebody's listening right now, Amy, and they're in their own personal rock bottom and they're going to start with a step one. So their rock bottom could be a lot of different things. But for the. To stay on topic with this, like maybe they're being. They're in a beat, an abusive relationship and they're ready to. They realize this and they want out, or they're dealing with a family member that's being abused. If they, if they're in their own personal hardship, rock bottom right now, and you were to give them like one thing to take action on right now, what would that be? I have a feeling I know what you're going to say, but I'm going to ask anyway.

I'd take a leap of faith. Okay, just take a leap of faith. If you need to get out of the abusive environment, even if it looks scary, even if it looks impossible. You don't know how many impossible things I experienced and I accomplished. I never thought possible. Just take a leap of faith to help yourself, to take care of yourself, there's always someone who cares. There's someone that always that you can turn to and God will always provide what you need.

That's amazing. Where can people find you Amy.

Amyspurpose.com is my website and yes, Amy's purpose.com and it's spelled A I M E E. It's the French version.

I love it. Thank you so much Amy.

Thank you.

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Sam.