201: Your Past Does Not Determine Who You Are with Carolyn Colleen

Hi, I'm Natalie Jill, fat loss expert turned high performance coach. When odds are stacked against us, how do we shift and create everything from nothing? How do we level up when we aren't feeling it yet or we've had a big setback? On this podcast, I'll be talking to some of the most inspiring and courageous men and women on this planet who at their worst learned how to achieve success greater than they ever dreamed possible. Leveling up and creating everything from nothing. Where you come from does not have to determine where you are going today. I can't wait for you to meet Carolyn. Who she is today. A proud mom of three, an international speaker, a successful coach and a nonprofit leader is not who she was. Imagine if you will, being molested as a four year old child by your neighbor. Being raised by a mom with a mental illness, Growing up in a home where hoarding was a way of life. Being adopted as a black child by white parents. Oh, and having your mom tell you that you cost $10,000 to adopt so you needed to earn your worth. And then after all that, imagine being a teenager so depressed that you turn to take your own life. This is all just scratching the surface of the cards Carolyn's life handed her today though, her sadness, her broken past story has become her message of empowerment. From standing in a food line at the Salvation army with her baby, Carolyn is avid now about sharing her own life story and encouraging others to make changes that move them from fear to focusing on the pursuit of passions. Join in today and learn exactly how Carolyn Colleen, with her PhD now uses her fierce method to level up her life and countless others today on leveling up, I've got Carolyn Colleen. I'm so excited to chat with her. When we were talking before we started recording, she said that she loves to help people realize that where they come from does not determine where they are going. And I said you are my perfect guest right now because that sums up my belief around everybody. Where you're coming from does not determine where you need to go. Carolyn, thank you so much for being here today with us.

Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here. Thank you.

So take us back because I'm assuming that the reason you said that statement is because where you came from is definitely not where you are today. So can you take us back? Like who were you? Where did you come from?

Yes. So today I am a proud mother of three and I'm an author and a speaker and I do several other things as well. Well, I have a few different businesses I've gone from salvation army to PhD. I've gone from two streams of income to 13. That's not where I started. And so to give you a little bit of background, I hail here from Wisconsin, balmy Wisconsin. And I had an interesting background in upbringing. And the reason I say where you come from doesn't determine where you're going is I started my life's journey in my definition of love with an overly friendly neighbor boy who stole my innocence from me starting at age 4 and continued to sexually molest me for the duration of time that I lived next door. Now that understanding of what love was continued growing up in a household with a mother who suffered from severe mental illness. Now, some days were really great and she would share how much she loved me and how, you know, how very special I was to her. And some days were really, really bad where she would remind me that I'm adopted, I cost $10,000 and I had to earn my keep. Now that roller coaster of mental health continued on growing up in a household environment of hoarding. So my mother, as she self medicated through shopping and hoarding, I had a path from my bedroom to my bathroom as a nine year old child, if you can imagine, just standing, looking from your bedroom, about the size of a closet to the bathroom, and you have hordes of stuff up to your armpits. And as you're walking to the bathroom, you can see a scatter of a mouse, smell the stench of cockroach spray and urine. And that was the environment that I grew up in, and also in waves. So my father, he worked on the road, so he wasn't home most of my childhood. And my mother, after about 17 miscarriages, she gave birth to my little sister, who's nine years younger than me.

Is it 17 miscarriages? Wow.

Yes. And so her mental health, along with that many losses, did not fare her well. So after my sister was born, my mother's mental health decreased even more. And that was a rough time of it growing up.

Carolyn, I have so many questions for you and I'm gonna, I'm, I don't mean to interrupt, but I want to kind of go back to that child in you because this is really important. You started with when you were four years old and this neighbor, did your mom know that was happening and did you know it was wrong when it was happening? What were you thinking as that four year old little girl when that was happening to you? That's my first question.

No, my mom, she did not know it was happening. She Was very absorbed in her own mental health. And so I would go out and I'd, you know, play out in our little. We had like a little area, you know, a little playground area. And this perpetrator was supposed to be a friend. Yeah. You know, a neighbor, Someone who was like, oh, I'll take care of her, no problem. And that was not the case. So did you. And as a child.

Yeah, like, did you know this was not okay, or was it like you thought this was just normal? I know it's hard to remember at age 4, going back, but I'm wondering, I always wonder, like, does a kid understand there's something wrong? Or what were, what were you. What was happening in your mind around that?

So as a child, you know, your, your identification of what attention and love is can be easily skewed and demented.

Totally.

And so as a child, getting attention from, you know, someone who supposed to be a protector or you know, like a, like a neighbor, friend, safe, but at the same time knowing that this doesn't seem right when they're telling you it's okay. Yeah. But don't tell anyone. It's a secret. And you're taught not to say, you know, not to keep secrets when you're little. You know, everybody tells you that. Right. But when you have that trusted person, you don't want to let them down. That's a lot of pressure for a small mind.

Yeah, a lot of pressure, I would imagine. And then with your mom and as an adult talking to me now, I know you can see very clearly that she had a problem with hoarding and self medicating and depression and all the, all the things. But did she. Did you know as a child something was wrong with that? Or did you think that was normal? What was the conversation you had around your mom as a child?

So we weren't allowed to have company. So of course because we were hiding what was happening in our home. And yes, at a young age, I knew there was something not right. And I knew that I was responsible for my mom and I'd helped take care of her because I loved her. And just knowing and seeing other people's families that this wasn't usual, particularly because you can't have friends over. I couldn't have play dates, I couldn't have sleepovers, none of those things, because our house was so packed full. And, you know, she was embarrassed, of course, but it was a. It was an addiction. And so, yeah, knowing that it wasn't right, but being patient and supportive to my mother because you know, it was obvious that she had mental health issues even at a young age. Yeah, I knew.

Yeah. So I'm thinking, you know, I have a daughter who's almost 13 and I'm just trying to imagine what that would feel like as a nine year old or like that you think you're responsible for your parent versus the other way around. It's almost like I would imagine you didn't really get to be a child you didn't get to have.

No, not, not really. Because then my sister was born and then my mother's mental health went. Became worse and so I helped raise my little sister as well. So, yeah, being a kid was really not part of it.

When your mom would say things to you like, you cost $10,000, you have to earn your keep, what did you decide when you would hear that? What did you start believing about yourself?

On one hand, I knew she was sick and she didn't mean what she was saying in anger. And on the other hand, when I was young, I'll just tell you another story. When I was young, I used to listen to Whitney Houston and I used to dream. I guess I didn't, I'm adopted and I didn't know who my real parents were. I used to dream, well, maybe it's Whitney Houston. And I would listen to those words and I was, I would. The music helped me escape, escape my situation. And there's a song that she sings called the Greatest Love of All. And within the words, not only would I escape, it gave me hope. It gave me hope that, that the words that. That came from my mother's mouth were not the end of the story.

I love that. You know, it's interesting, I've interviewed a lot of people that were adopted and it's interesting to hear that that imagination, that vision, that dreaming of that there might be something else that, that gave hope and faith. And another thing, and it sounds just like from listening to you that that might have been something that was helping you at the time to be able to imagine.

Exactly, yeah.

Now, did your dad, was he aware of all of this with your mom? Like, did. And how did he address that with you as a kid?

So he was aware to an extent and unaware. So he worked on the road and he had to follow work where, wherever it went. And so for most of my childhood, he wasn't there. He worked and he sent money home and then when he was home, he'd come home and he'd see all of the accumulation and he would drag bags and bags and bags of Things out for, you know, two, three days in a row, but then he'd be called back to work, and he'd have to go. And so really, the longest time that he was ever home was two to three days. And he'd say, you gotta stop this. You can't do this. You can't buy these things. I'm gonna, you know, cut off the money or, you know, think, you know, whatever he could. And then he had to go. And so he was aware, but it wasn't something that I feel, looking back, was within his control.

Yeah. Did you know hoarding was an actual problem or a thing? Or did you assume that other people's houses look like that and that that was normal?

I. You know, again, as a kid, I felt disgusted by it and felt that personally it was wrong. But I. And I saw other people's homes, and they weren't like ours, but there were some that were. And so I didn't have a real basis for knowing for sure if, you know, other people. Other people who did live like that. And then I saw other people who didn't. And I knew my preference, but I didn't know if it was exactly wrong or it was an illness, per se, or I didn't know until adulthood that that was related to the illness.

Interesting. I remember going on a play date once as a kid and to a house that the mom was a hoarder and being so confused and not. And I asked about it as a kid, you know, like, oh, do you. And the mom. I could tell I had embarrassed the mom. And it was the first. I just remember that having that first moment of, what is this? Like what?

That.

Knowing now as an adult that that's actually an illness when people hoard like that. So how did you. As a little girl, you had so much on your plate. You're dealing with your mom's mental illness. You're dealing with the hoarding, you're dealing with sexual abuse. You're now mothering a sister. Got all of these things. When you imagined what life would be like as an adult, what were your hopes? What were your dreams for that?

I didn't. I didn't. Not until I got to be a teenager. And actually, I didn't dream. I had my escape through music, but I didn't have that dream. And that dream was lacking because I felt. I felt the lack of love. I felt the lack of, you know. You know, it was uncertain. It was waves, ups and downs. And when I was a high schooler, I gotten. I had my first boyfriend and it was really exciting. I was so excited. And it was puppy love. You remember puppy love? It's your first crush, and it's so cute and fun. And just as all puppy love happens, mostly it fades and you break up. And so I broke up with my boyfriend, and I woke up in the middle of an emergency room surrounded by providers looking to shove a tube down my throat to remove the sleeping pills that I took in which to train in my life. You see the combination between breaking up with my boyfriend, my home situation, and no vision of the future. I tried to end my life.

Do you remember that moment? Do you remember making that decision? And was there? I want to. And this is an important thing to understand because a lot of people listening that have kids, that struggle with depression and are looking for these signs, too. Was there anything someone could have said to you or done for that not to have happened in that moment? Or was that you were out right then? What was the conversation you were having with yourself before you took those pills?

The conversation I had with Ped, with myself, was a skewed expectation of my boyfriend maybe rescuing me from my situation. And in order to change my decision at that time, someone would have needed to remove me from the house and remove my sister. That's what I felt would have been a solution. And I didn't see that. And I thought, well, you know what? If this is what it's going to be, I don't want it.

Yeah. Wow. So you hadn't told anyone? You just did this on your own, and so you didn't know you'd wake up again? And you woke up in the hospital. Who found you? And what happened from there?

My mom. So I had said goodbye to her and I wrote a letter, and she came and she checked on me because she thought it was odd and then rushed me to the hospital.

So your mom had glimpses of loving and caring for you at that point?

Oh, definitely. Yes. When you live with someone who struggles with mental health, it's waves. Like, I don't know if you've heard the saying, some days are great and they're really great, and then some days are bad and they're really bad. So it's waves.

Was it almost like a bipolar situation where she would be fun and manic and then go into a depression, or.

Was it something bipolar and personality disorder? Okay, okay.

So you find yourself in the hospital, the tube down your throat. What was your first thought?

Shame.

Shame for what?

For trying to take my life. Because I remembered my sister in that space. She Was angry. And when I returned home after the 72 hour hold that they put you on, my sister was there crying, angry and of course. And she said to me, how dare you leave me here? And in that moment I realized, I realized that I was the shining light to another person. And sometimes you don't realize that, particularly, you know, when you get caught up in all these different things, you get caught up in your own things. And I was ashamed. And I promised my sister I would never try leaving again. And I never did. But there is emotional, there's emotional baggage of things that I needed to process through. And what happened is I, you know, we both grew, we both grew up and, and I fell right into the arms of a man who reflected my self worth and I became pregnant and married. And at that point I.

How old were you when this was happening?

19.

19.

Okay, okay. So yes, I married a person who reflected my self worth and my self worth was damaged. My definition of love up to that point was quite skewed. And my husband, he would monitor my food so I would stay thin and attractive to him. He would monitor my time in 15 minute increments. He, he was, he was exactly what, the mirror of what I thought I deserved. And so I, I became pregnant and I thought that the only, the only solution at that time was to become married. And so that's what I did. And I lived in that space of abuse until through the time that my daughter was born. My daughter, and she was absolutely beautiful. However, she screamed for two months straight from the moment she was born until two months colic is what they call it, which is basically, we don't know what's wrong. Good luck. And so she screamed for two months straight. Now, if you can imagine being in a space where your spouse is constantly barraging you on how to be a better spouse, keeping you up all night, you know, accusing you of cheating on them, which, you know, thinking back makes absolutely no sense. How do you, how does it even happen? But that, that combined with having a screaming baby, it was, I remember it very clearly. It was four in the morning, the sun had not quite come out of the sky. My daughter had been screaming for two months. As I'm looking out the window, rocking my daughter and I am praying to a God I'm not sure exists, please send me a sign because I can't handle anymore and I don't know what to do. And in that moment, at 4 in the morning, as the sun's coming out of the sky, my daughter stopped crying and she looked Me directly in my eyes. It was as she was looking into my soul, saying to me, I'm your sign. And as the tears came down my face, I realized in that instant what true love was, which was not endless self suffering and self sacrifice. It was unconditional. And in that moment I just, I realized that I had to make a change and I had to take the love that I had for my daughter in which to make a positive change for myself. And I ended up leaving. Not right away, mind you. I figured out a plan to get out of my abusive relationship and I found myself standing in line at the Salvation army waiting for food, jumping from one circle, the circle of abuse into the circle of poverty.

Did you take your daughter and did you take your daughter with you?

I did.

So this must have been, I would imagine, really scary. Like this is the first time you're literally taking control and breaking away from something you had. You had had this relationship in your family growing up where you weren't allowed to have your own feelings or needs met. You were catering to somebody else and you the same thing in your marriage. So this was the first time I'm imagining what that must have felt like to you're making this decision for you and your daughter.

It was the first time I was taking right, I was, it was the first time I took a stand and I had to borrow the love I had for my daughter until my self love caught up.

Powerful.

I was, I remember clearly standing in line, fluorescent lights all around, standing in line with my little girl and feeling completely paralyzed by fear. You see, my spouse, he promised me if I ever left that he would execute on the amount of love that he had for me by killing me and then killing himself so we could be together forever.

Wow.

So when you're thinking, just standing there thinking wow, how am I going to do this? What am I going to do? And feeling paralyzed by fear. And then of course you have. And of course. But the other thing that's going on is the triggers. So I'm fearful, my blood pressure is up, I'm scared, I'm fearful of the unknown. The first time I'm ever doing this on my own and trying to ignore those self limiting voices in your head and just trying to figure out where my next meal is going to come from. And then also not trying to freak my daughter out as well because you know, they know. And so what I did in that moment is somebody said to me, you know, they saw this stark look on my face and being immobilized by fear, they Said to me, it's okay, Carolyn, you can get through this one day at a time. And for me, one day at a time in that moment while I'm dealing with all these things in my mind was too much. And I had to figure out a way to push forward in order to do that for my daughter. And then long term, it would turn into creating something for myself. So I broke it down to five minute increments. And that is where fierce was born. Five minute increments of taking the fear, the anxiety, the emotions that, that sympathetic nervous system when it kicks on and grabbing that and using it as fuel to force you in a positive direction compared to something that is self destructive. Because I could have, you know, I could have. There's, you know, there's many people with, you know, my story's not unique. There are many people who have dealt with these things and the choices that are made can be very, you know, tear you apart. And some people are still standing there in the Salvation army today.

So, Carolyn, you're right, the story is not unfamiliar, but how you manage through this is very unique. So I've had countless interviews of people that had horrendous childhoods and abusive relationships and abusive marriages and. But what they turned to was self destruction, even more hard. Drug use, criminal activity. Was that any of that ever a temptation to you? And how, how did you not go to the numbing out? Because like, you know, you're raised by a mom that learns to numb herself out, you know, through the shopping you're in. And that would have been easy. I'm not, I'm not suggesting it, but it would have been the easy thing. What made it that you didn't turn to that or did you ever attempt that?

I thought about it many times. I made that promise to my sister that I would not ever give up and try to take my life again. And like I said earlier, borrowing the love that I had for somebody else until my self love caught up, I took the love that I had for my daughter and that hope that I could create something better for her. I didn't believe that I deserved it. Absolutely not. But she deserved better.

Wow.

And so it's that combination of faith in five minutes because you can do whatever, even if you don't want to do something that you absolutely hate and you don't want to do it, you can do it for five minutes. Yes. And that five minutes turned into 10, turned into 15 as I pushed in a positive direction over and over again. And I continued that like a freight train. Because what it does is it removes, when you're doing that, focusing five minutes at a time on one goal, it removes the ability to think about anything else. You're focusing just one five minutes at a time. So I stacked those five minutes and soon enough I've gotten through a whole day.

How did you shut down that fear? Like you had some very real threats from your, your husband at the time. Like he told you he would take them out of love and kill you and kill him. That must have been terrifying. How did you shove that out of your brain? How did you get help around that? Did anybody listen about that? Did you ask for help? Like, what was? I'm just trying to imagine so many people would be so paralyzed with feel or with fear around that.

20 years of therapy, I registered, I took the resources that were available and I got therapy. I what's interesting is there are resources, but you have to set your ego aside and accept them. And that was a big challenge for me because, you know, I'm spunky, 21 year old, I know everything kind of attitude, but at the same time, I knew nothing and I had to set my ego aside in order to see the resources at hand. So within the Salvation army, they have resources there and they connect you to a social worker. The social worker connects you to other resources. You have to actually accept the resources. And so I got therapy, I got housing, I got into low income housing and I kept pushing and I pushed for the people that I loved.

So what I'm hearing from you, and correct me if I'm not hearing this correctly, but is really you had to get out of the victim mindset, even though you easily could have been a victim to all types of things and be accountable and take responsibility and say, okay, there's resources here. I might not like them, I might not think these are the answer, but I've got to get out of this. So I'm going to accept and take responsibility and dig into these resources. That's what I'm hearing that because even like you mentioned Salvation Army, I think you're the first person I've ever interviewed that actually turned to Salvation Army. Like, how did you even know to do that? And I would imagine you had to really be accountable and make a decision around that to do that.

Yes, I had. When I made a plan to leave, I had a social worker who had come into my home to check in my baby. Now, when you're a teen mom, the hospital will send you home with a social worker. And that social worker, she knew there Was something going on, and she would very keenly give me information that, at the time, I wasn't really open to reading. But she planted the seed.

Love that. Yeah. Like, if you ever need or this is available. So you knew that there was an out. Wow. That's pretty powerful. How do you have any relationship with that husband now? Has he been in your. Is your. I'm assuming, does he have any relationship with your daughter now?

No. So he gave her up. He gave up his parental rights when she was eight.

How did. That. Must have been a journey, I would imagine, to get that to happen.

Yeah. So once we left and then he moved away, once he realized that he couldn't have me, he left. And, you know, we didn't. We heard from him maybe once a year.

Wow. What about your relationship with your mom? Is your mom still alive?

She is. And her mental health went downhill even more, and she actually moved out of the country. I haven't seen her in 20 years.

Wow. Do you still have any relationship with her or talk with her?

No, I've reached out to reconcile and just say, you know, I understand if you're willing to, you know, have a conversation or, you know, have help. Get some help. We're here. And she's not willing to do that. So every year. Every other year, I'll just say, hey, we're here.

Yeah. So I'm assuming you still have a good relationship with your sister.

Yes, we live a mile away from each other. Oh, that's amazing.

You have each other. You have each other.

We do.

What about your father? Any relationship with him anymore?

Yes. So when he retired. Well, close to retirement, when our mom, she left, he was able to get a job closer to home. And we shared with him all of, you know, all the things that occurred, and he was devastated. I think he cried for a solid week. And he saw, you know, I have three kids, and my sister has won, and he saw the opportunity for a second chance. And when he retired, he dedicated his entire life to being the best grandpa he can be.

Oh, I love that. That's amazing.

And so our boys and my daughter and my two boys, they know papa, and they talk to him every day if they see him every day. And the same thing with my nephew. He. He literally. He believes it's his second chance, and that's exactly what he's done.

That's powerful. What about your. Have you ever had an interest in figuring out your biological parents, or is that something you've put out? Did you ever?

I have. I went on to Ancestry.com and found a first cousin and just said, you know, they reached out to me and said, hey, I think we're related. And so I gave some names of what I thought might be, and then.

I didn't hear anything.

So.

Not yet. So not yet. It's out there. It's out there. It's out there now. Okay, so I want to talk more about this fierce concept that you kind of came up with in your rock bottom. But I'm assuming at the time you didn't know you were really onto something here. I want to talk a little bit more about that because it sounds like a great idea. Like you're going to take your fear and your anger and you're going to do something powerful with it. But how do you actually make that? Because I know there's someone listening right now that's in this turmoil of a life right now or in that rock bottom, and they're angry and they're scared and they're like, but how. What could you speak into that? Like, what's step one with that?

So step one is taking a deep breath. It's something that we, if you. If you notice, sometimes when we're in that space of anxiety or anger, we hold our breath.

Yeah.

The first step is to take a deep breath. And I don't care how you do it, there's so many different ways. I say breathe in for seven and breathe out for 11. So three times, breathe in for seven and out for 11. Very first step. It's basically taking a moment of pause. Taking a moment of pause so that you can gain clarity in which to think. Because when you're in that space of anxiety, overwhelm fear, you can't think. It's impossible. And actually, it's proven by science. Harvard University, I'm sorry, Stanford University came out with a study in 2017 that there's 143 brain cells that are stalking your breath. If you're holding your breath, then it's going to. Your body is going to respond and close your mind down to be able to think because you're elevating your blood pressure. But when you're taking a deep breath, what's happening is that it's clearing your mind in order to focus on a goal. So it's not just ancient wisdom, it's also modern science. Breathe. So that's the first thing. The second thing is focus. So focusing on just one thing. Now, when I was standing in the line at the Salvation army, my one focus was fake it till you make it. That was My focus, I needed to put a smile on my face so I wouldn't freak my daughter out, right? And I had to basically fake it until I made it and move forward, pretending that I had it together until it caught on to me. And so just smiling and faking it till I make it, that was my one goal, to not scare my daughter. Now focusing on one goal and then the last thing is action, taking fierce action. So breathe, focus. Fierce action. I say fierce action because what you're doing is you're taking that emotion, that feeling that gets up in the pit of your stomach. And that can be anxiety, overwhelm, anger, fear. It could be procrastination, that's another emotion. And taking it and using that emotion as fuel to force you in a positive direction. At that time, I was so angry. Angry at the situation. I was angry at all of the triggers that would pop up in my mind and how I ended up right here standing in line, all of the different things. I was angry at my mother, I was angry, just angry. And yeah, I could have decided to go and wallow in a bottle of vodka, but I didn't. I chose in that moment. I will not be a statistic. I will not allow all the people that abused me. Now mind you, I didn't share both men and women along my journey later in life also abused me. If I choose to become a statistic self destruct, they win. I will not let them win. And I will choose to break the statistic. I will choose a positive direction just for five minutes and see what happens. And I had that faith to take that leap five minutes in a positive direction. And what that meant from just standing in that line was fake it till you make it. Figure out where your next meal is coming from and how you're going to sustain to the next meal, how you're going to move forward and getting into out of public housing, off of food stamps. What are you going to do and how are you going to do it? And I did that through taking on the resources, adding mentors to my life and starting to dream. And through dreaming I was able to vision and I was able to capture. So taking that five minutes and those five minutes soon turned into a year and soon turned into five years and I was able to reverse engineer.

That's so beautiful. So today you have three kids. Yes, three kids. Are you remarried?

Got remarried, yes, remarried.

And my gosh, you're an international speaker, you're a corporate leader, you coach her and mentor, you run a nonprofit. Like could you, Would you have ever imagined that you would be doing all those things?

Absolutely not. No.

No, no, no.

I had to learn how to dream. And then as I dreamed and I started looking back and seeing the success, I started to dream better, bigger. You see, we all have it in us. So this method that I, that I teach, my fierce method, which is bff Breathe Focus. Fierce action. Your new best friend. This method, when put in the proper order, can move mountains. And I didn't realize it at the time, I had to first focus very short term, right in front of my eyes. And then I had to learn how to dream and then dream bigger and bigger and bigger. And what happened is. Yeah, no, I would absolutely not think that the things that I've accomplished. But the thing is, is that we've all done this. We've all taken a moment of pause, we've all focused on a goal, and we've all taken action. If you think about when you learned how to ride a bicycle, you had to look at the bicycle, take a moment of pause, identify the goal, and then get on the bike, take action. Then you fall off, you get back on again. We've done this before. It's the same thing with, say you graduate high school and you decide, do I want to go to college? Do I want to start a business, Do I want to go travel? You have to take a moment of pause. You have to identify the goal and you have to take action. Same thing when you become an entrepreneur. Same thing when you decide to get married, the same thing. You just take a moment of pause, you identify a goal and you take action. We've all done it, and we all have the power to do it again. That is where resilience builds, is because realizing you do have the power, you have done this before. All you got to do is take this method and apply it to something new.

Yeah. Wow. Wow. What a journey. You know, it is. I would imagine as a little girl, you probably were thinking at one point, like, why is this happening to me? And I am imagining now you get why it happened for you.

A lot of it, right? Yeah. And I share with women, strong woman leaders and women that are. That are pushing to create their own destiny. You know, I look back at my life and I. I was offended the first time I heard that. The first time I heard, you know, where's the good? And I thought, you know what? There is no good. Yeah, don't tell me about good. And I'm not saying that what happened to me is right, because it's not what I'm saying is, how can I look over all the occurrences of my life and how can I pull strength from it now? Growing up in a household with a mentally sick mom, there's the ups, there's the downs, and there's the all arounds. What strength can I pull from it? Well, in my career, I'm the first person to be called whenever there's some type of turmoil or challenge because I can come into a heightened situation and be as calm as a cucumber.

Yeah, that's a skill.

It's a skill. Then if you look at going from how do you escape the circle of poverty? Well, it's a vicious cycle. The more you do, you know, it's almost like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. So the more you work, the less assistance you get, and the more, the less you work, the more assistance you might get. So you're trapped. How do you break free from the circle of poverty? And then there's also the culture around it as well. And being able to escape that. What, what are the strengths that you pull from that? The strengths you pull from that is being able to critically think, you're able to pull out of that, analytical skills and problem solving. And how that works for me is that I'm a business strategist. I build strategy for large organizations on how to create something out of nothing. So again, how do you take what's happened to you to happen for you?

So amazing, Carolyn. I mean, I just, I'm so, I love your whole story and just, I'm so amazed at how profound you've made your life based on so much stuff that could have just. I mean, you tried to end your life at one point. I mean, really such an amazing example for your, for your kids now. I mean, I just feel people are so lucky to have you in their lives now because, wow, talk about turning your mess into a message. Like everything that you've been through for you to turn and say, I mean, you could have picked any number of those things. Being adopted, being a woman of color, being, you know, the, the mom with the mental illness, any, any of the, the neighbor, the wrong neighbor, like the bad husband. Like any one of those things could have destroyed somebody. And wow, all of it happened for you. And now you are such a powerful person and inspirational and helping others.

Thank you. Yes.

What do you want the person listening right now that is really feeling like you felt at that one point, like, what am I living for? What is this? What do you want them to know?

I want them to know that each of us were put here for a reason. Not all of us have figured it out yet, but we're all here for a reason. And you might be that shining light to another person you have no idea that you are. So take that deep breath, remember that you have value and be able to identify and start to dream where you could go. Because again, yeah, sometimes you have to borrow the love you have for another person until your self love catches up.

That really stood out for me when you said you looked at your daughter and you thought in that moment when you asked for that sign looking at her eyes saying if I don't feel this for myself, I can feel it for her and I could borrow that. That was incredible. Carolyn, you are just amazing. Your story incredible. I think people are so lucky to work with you. Where can people find you? Where can they learn more? Where can I want I need to have you in my life now. So where are all the places I would love that. Yes.

So carolyncolleen.com C A R O L Y N C o l l E-E-N.com on my website and then also Instagram. Carolyn Killeen and you can find me there and you can get the instructions for the BFF Fierce method. Your new best friend.

I love that.

And I also have resources there. I have a monthly call that people can get on and just hear nuggets and support and I also have women leaders come and just share the their fear stories and how to elevate your Life. And so CarolynKaleen.com you can find me there and all the different resources as well.

Love it. I just followed you so if you have any trouble following her. Anyone listening? If you go to my Instagram page, Natalie Jill Fit look, go to who I'm following and you can look. You'll just pull up Carolyn and you'll find her right away. Thank you so much Carolyn. This was fantastic today. Thank you.

Thank you. It was an honor.

Thanks for leveling up with us today. Please share this episode if you found it helpful so others can join in. And don't forget to hit that subscribe so you don't miss out on future shows. And if you would leave me a five star review. I appreciate those so much. I read all of them and it's how I know that I'm giving you information that you find valuable. And come interact with me over on Instagram @nataliejof it. I read all the direct messages and comments over there. Make it a great day. Creating everything from nothing.