276: Re-Igniting Your Sensual Desires and Your Relationship with Jade Bryce

If you're not being vulnerable in sex, you're likely not being vulnerable in life.

Hi, I'm Natalie Jill, fat loss expert turned lifestyle and high performance coach. Welcome to Listen up, the podcast. On this podcast, I do what I do best. Taking complicated information that is relevant to us now and breaking it down simply with actionable steps you can implement to level up your life. I also regularly interview some of the most inspiring and courageous men and women on the planet who at their worst, learned how to achieve success greater than anything they ever dreamed possible. Creating everything from nothing. If you are new here, I encourage you to go back and listen from episode one, when this podcast was previously called Leveling up for the Full Transformative Experience. So today on Listen Up, I had to bring Jade Bryce back because the conversation we had, and I'm going to link it up in the show notes, was so intense, so empowering, so amazing. I know I had messages from many of you that listened to that episode and it truly transformed. You opened your eyes to a lot of things. You connected a lot of dots within yourself. So if you haven't listened to that episode, you don't know what I'm talking about, please go back and listen to that. It'll make this episode today make more sense. But I wanted to carry on the conversation and continue with Jade because we left off with how she. Her sexuality went from suppression to liberation. And I have so many more questions there. And I think this is going to help a lot of you, especially so many of my listeners here, so many of you listening right now. I know you struggle with this. You struggle with shame around your body. You struggle, Struggle with your own relationships, with sex, in your marriages, in your. With yourself, in how you view it, how you. What you've been holding on to your whole life. So I have so many questions for you today, Jade. So thanks for being back on with us.

Worse, I'm happy to be here again.

So let's start with. We left off about how this was so suppressing for you for so long, and then it brought you to a complete opposite side with liberation. Can you talk to us more about that?

Yeah. So I think I shared in the other episode about my sexual trauma and my violent upbringing. And anytime that anyone, not just a woman, anytime anyone experiences trauma, especially trauma against their body through violence or sexual assault, the way we know to survive is to be out of our body during that time. It's, you know, and I used to think, I used to get mad at myself that I froze up and that I kind of I didn't know at 12 years old that I was disconnecting from my body and disassociating and leaving my body to survive. But I knew that I froze up and that I didn't try to get it to stop. And that was something even the, you know, the person who sexually assaulted me, that was even something that the mother said, the mother of him was, why didn't you stop him? And so there was so much shame around that. And then, and then once I learned trauma responses, that's actually how we survive. It's a survival tactic, is to numb, disassociate. And actually then I became really proud of myself. Like, oh, wow. That's how I survived. I'm so strong. I found a way to survive.

So when you leave your body, I want to understand this. For people that haven't been through this, what does that mean? Explain that a little bit more. Like you are.

It's like you're in another world. Yeah, it's like you're not there. And a lot of people who, who has this type of trauma response regularly in their life through complex PTSD or through developmental trauma, whatever type of trauma they had, that actually tends to be their response and conflict now. So a lot of times in my 20s, I would fight with a partner and all of a sudden I just wouldn't be there anymore. I've disassociate. And they would, you know, like, kind of like snap, like, hello, Because I just wasn't there because that was my trauma response. Typically it's fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Right. So fight is the obvious. We fight back. You know, you're not going to, you're going to talk to me this way. Whatever it is, freeze is the disassociation, the out of body tactic. It's the. It's not safe to be here. So. So I won't be here. It's like you're. You just go numb. You. You lose the words to even. To even have conflict.

And are you conscious when this is happening? Are you like in dream world? Are you thinking about something else or what. What are you actually doing when this is happening?

You tend to go blank, like mentally and physically and emotionally. It's. It's how we've learned to survive. So that becomes our conflict resolution for us. It doesn't mean that you're like, like a possum, like playing dead, you know, like you're there, but you're not. You're. It's like you're not able to function in it, you know? So that's that. And then it's so fight, freeze, flee. Like, get, get out of here. Like, I, you know, you just. I gotta go. I. I can't deal with this. And you leave. It's you. You run from the conflict. And then fawn, which is the people pleasing the. Maybe some people sometimes may do that through hurrying up and cleaning the house or cooking a good dinner, or like, finding a way to serve, finding a way to people please. Sometimes, maybe even in sex, you know, it's just finding a way to. To try to make them happy. And sometimes that's walking on eggshells as well. So.

And is this why I imagine somebody in an abusive relationship? Sometimes they run through all of those things and maybe they just associate during it. And then that's why we look at them on the outside. Like, why are you still with this person? Or doing the fond thing at that point.

Yeah. And sometimes that question of why are you still with this person? It's because it's their familiar story. Sometimes until we've healed, we have to create a familiar story, because that's what feels like home. That's what we know. And if we grew up learning how to function in chaos, our brain literally tells us we need. We need chaos to function. And so until that is switched in the brain, until we can create a new narrative through all different types of therapeutic work that creates a new neural pathway in our brain, we literally can't leave the relationship because that doesn't feel possible. It's all that we know. So mine was freeze, being out of body and through that, you know, I was so disconnected to my body, even just not just sexually, but, like, emotionally, physically. I remember in my 20s, like, anytime I was with a partner sexually, I was there and I was. I was experiencing pleasure, but it never felt like I was fully in my body. You know, like I fully could connect. And I didn't really heal that until just two years ago. And I'm 37, so not until I was 35. But I had so much shame around my body and even, like around my pleasure, around the way that my vagina looked like. We have so much conditioning around what it's supposed to look like, smell like. And if, if you haven't thought of that before, just grab a mirror and take a look at your, at your vulva, take a look at your vagina and see what feelings come up. Typically it's shame because we've been conditioned.

Even just saying that. I know people on other end listening just saying it. They'll feel Shame around it.

Yeah.

Yeah. So why is that? Because I feel like. Is it because it's such a taboo topic and we don't. Where we were raised, not talking about it or because not everybody has a. Not everybody has a story of something that happened to them, but they still might feel that shame around that.

Yeah. So there's two different avenues, I think that we pick up shame from when it comes to our. Just our body, not, not just our sacred parts, but our body and how it's supposed to look. First, I feel that we're conditioned from our parents and it's not even something that they're conscious of. You know, they've done studies of like 1 and 2 year olds where a mother or father will show a face of disgust towards a certain toy and then that that child will no longer want to play with that toy. Because we pick up on cues so easily and so strongly and we get programmed like that and so we pick up other people's voices and feelings about things and it becomes our own because we're, we're young, you know, we're so impressionable. And that continues until about age 7. After age 7, that's when we kind of start to differentiate and decide our own opinions, but those are still so ingrained. If a mother is talking about her body in a certain way or if a father is talking about women's bodies in a certain way, then we pick up that programming and we think that we're only supposed to look a certain way or that it's normal to feel not enough, you know, like, like our stomachs are supposed to be flat. Our stomach, you know, it's not normal to bloat. And you know, I know your, I know your career path is to help women with that, and I know that I, I know that bloat is typically a sign of an issue we need to deal with. But also, sometimes it's just we're ovulating, you know, sometimes it's the miracle of the body that we have to, we have to actually embrace. So. But we've been conditioned to think that that's not, it's not okay, you know, to ever be anything but this flat stomach, like perky breasted, you know, woman.

Yeah.

But, you know, we've also. It's been my experience from many people that I've spoken to that they weren't. The way that they were talked to about their bodies and about their sexuality was not in a way that they felt excited about or whole. You know, it was a way of, like, it was Shameful. You have to be super careful. Like, it, you know, I think if everyone could think about what was their first thought around the way they smell, you know, or. Or the way that, like, if they got caught touching themselves as a young child, was the parent, like, don't do that, don't do that. You know, like, shamed.

I'm sure most people.

Yeah. And so we pick up on that and then we just carry it throughout our lives. This is something shameful, that it's something that shouldn't be done. And even the word. So we also have cultural conditioning. You know, even the word masturbation, the Latin breakdown is to pollute with one's hand. So we have, like, programming of, like, where it's not right to touch yourself, it's not right to pleasure yourself. We are so disconnected from.

And religious. Religious stories and beliefs around that too.

Right. And even in, you know, the. The church that I was adopted into, that I had spoke about last time, they would use the scripture, the body is the temple, to try to tell me that I had to be a certain weight. You know, like, there was so much conditioning religious, you know, around, around, around that as well, with how my body was supposed to look, but also with masturbation. And I don't like to use that word because of the breakdown. I like to just say a pleasure practice. But we're so disconnected from our pleasure and it's passed down and it's mainly cultural because our pleasure is our power. If we're connected to our pleasure, we're so confident. Pleasure is a killer for the ego. Because think about. If you're not in your pleasure, then you're thinking that you're not enough. Like, you have all these ego stories that you, you know, all these stories about your body, about who you are as a woman. But when you've just experienced an orgasm and you're like, in your pleasure, you feel like a goddess. Like you. I know for me, after an orgasm, I'm feeling super creative. Like, I'm feeling, like, amplified for the day. It's, you know, it's how I get ready every day. It's a part of my daily ritual is making sure that I have a really amazing orgasm, a really amazing pleasure practice. And one of the ways that I really worked to remove the shame from that was not only. And this may sound narcissistic to some, but once you do it, you really have to experience it for yourself. To feel the shame melt off is actually Yoni gazing in a mirror or pleasuring myself in a mirror. And washing. And this is something that's been taught in a lot of tantric schools and in the woman of pleasure. The womanly pleasure arts in New York as well teaches this. I think it's where. Where it came from is pleasuring yourself in a mirror and watching the way that your vagina and your vulva changes and just seeing what feelings come up. And every time a feeling comes up of like, oh, I don't like the color, I don't like how big it is, or I don't like the way that it looks because we have, I don't know many women who, when they first did this, didn't have those stories come up. And it actually became really emotional. And then when you moved through it by instead loving on that part of your body and accepting her and even speaking affirmations to her or like putting her hand. I say her as. As the yoni, but even putting your hand on her and asking her, like, what do you need? Or what do you need to say to me? And realizing that, like, how our gut is, our intuition, we can also receive messages from that area as well. And when we can move through that and feel that shame melt off, we truly become a different woman. And then another way that's like very. I feel probably out there, or woo woo, or taboo, but as a tantric, you know, I work in tantra, basically. Tantra, a lot of people think tantra is sex, but really tantra is going into the taboo or the quote unquote, dark places and finding holiness there. So that's my work. And this practice, I feel, really encompasses that. But other than doing the yoni, gazing in the mirror, or having a dialogue with her, another thing that I do that again, feels like it's probably really out there for a lot of people is after I use my cervical wand, which is a, like a pleasure wand that actually touches your cervix. So what I do is I. I speak my intention into my cervical wand. Like, today I want to feel more connection with my partner. Or today I want to heal. I want to work on healing my relationship with money. Or today I want to have a great podcast episode. Whatever my intention is, I speak it into my wand and then I insert it into my body. And what I do is I imagine what. What that intention looks like. I imagine it in my mind, and then I visualize that going up each chakra. And then when it gets to my crown chakra, I hold it there while I allow myself to climax. So in doing that, it's like it's a form of sex magic in doing that. So when we receive pleasure, when we orgasm, our body is flooded with four different feel good chemicals. And it also helps control our cortisol levels. Think about how beneficial this is for our health. Think about high cortisol leads to all types of different cancers and illnesses, weight gain that we can't get rid of. But if we're in our pleasure, if we're making sure we're having daily rituals and orgasms and we're flooding our body with these feel good hormones, think about the benefits of that while we're, you know, doing this manifestation practice and we get it to the crown chakra and then we orgasm and we flood our body with those feel good chemicals. It, to me, it's a different way to manifest because we're in visualizing it while connecting to our pleasure and doing the sex magic practice that's been, you know, done for decades upon decades. And so I do that, and then when I pull my wand out, instead of like wiping it off, cleaning it off, you know, in the sink, I take my juice off of it and I put it on my perfume spot. So behind my ears and on my wrist. And the way. The reason why I do that is because it's a way of reclaiming my power. It's a way of reclaiming my sexuality and of removing all shame around how I smell taste of the. And you know, back in, like, I don't know, we'd have to look this up on when it actually happened. But they used to use this in ceremonial, like, in ceremonies. They would use not only period blood, but like pussy juice to anoint people. And women used to actually put a drop of it in their men's food when they wanted to seduce them.

And yeah, it's interesting. Okay, as I'm listening to you, I'm just being really honest right now. As I'm listening to you, I'm like, what? I've never heard of this. Like, and I hear my own stories coming up. Like, people do this. Like, I have this whole. So I'm assuming that a lot of my listeners are feeling that way too. Like, it's just. But then I find myself also asking myself, why, though? Why are we. Why is this so this feeling of taboo or we shouldn't. It's our body. Like, why. Why is that? That we have all these heavy stories around that.

Like, Like.

But I'm telling my listeners that I feel what you're feeling right now too. Because I'm like, what? I've never heard this.

Yeah, And I mean, all my friends do it.

So it's actually like, okay, and you talk about it. That's what's even more interesting about.

So. So that's one way that I feel like I've really removed shame is like, owning it. Like, fully owning it. And I gotta tell you, also, when I started doing that, my income doubled.

What? Okay, we're all doing this now.

Well, I think one of the reasons is because part of my income is in sales. So when I do that before I go hit the floor working off commission, it's just. It's like a magnet, you know? Like, you know, you think about how men smell pheromones and are drawn to it. Well, think about your. So I try. Invite everyone on their next date with their husband or tonight, when. Before your husband gets home, try it. Like, put it behind your ears, put it on your wrist and just see if you get a different reaction. Or do it grocery store and see if you get more attention. Like, it really does. It may. I'm not saying that we are doing it. We want the attention, but just. Just as an experiment.

Yeah. Well, okay, so here's why. I'm definitely toggling confidence. I'm definitely toggling in my head the strangeness in my own story. Like, wait, what? But then I also can say that I very much believe in biology and all of this, because if you think about it, like, when we're ovulated, ovulating, we're more attractive to people. We feel more sexually attracted to people when we're ovulating.

We.

When we're menstruating, it's the opposite. Like, that already is working in biology. So what you're saying does make sense. It's just. But we have this whole story around it that that would be strange or we can't do that, or. Why is Natalie putting this on our podcast right now? I get it. Like, it's a. It's a whole conversation.

We've received so much shame around our period bloods, too. Like, think about the comments from Trump. I'm not saying that I don't like Trump or that I'm not. I'm staying neutral there, of course. But think about the comments from a president about, you know, he was, like, shaming a woman for having her period in a meeting one time. Think about most of our early experiences. Bleeding. I know for me, I started when I was 11 years old, and it was very heavy, so I would, like, bleed through at school. And that was super embarrassing. You know, it was tip. I don't know about other people's experiences. But I remember in middle school, like, girls kind of getting made fun of when they started. Really embarrassing.

Yeah.

Hide the tampon. You know. And also for me, like, my mom never was comfortable enough to discuss that with me. Had to talk to her boyfriend about it. It was just all around. Also, my cramps were so bad, so I hated my period. I hated it. Well, typically when we're having period cramps, it's because there's something in our body that needs to be dealt with. I had bad debilitating period cramps until I healed my sexual shame. Once I healed my sexual shame, I never once had period. Really, in years, I haven't had period cramps. Wow, there's that. But also because it's our womb. It's our womb. It's, you know, that's where so much of our sexual trauma or so our second chakra is our sexuality and our creativity. So when we've been sexually. When we old sexual shame, of course, we have period cramps, you know, so there's so much shame around our period, though. And another way, you know, that I worked with removing shame with my body was using my period blood. Like I use it to paint.

I. Oh, my gosh. Jade, say that what you live, I don't know about. Okay.

Yeah. So I also dilute it and water my plants with it.

Oh, my gosh. Okay.

And also because our period blood has so much stem cells in it and nutrients, I also put it on my face as a facial. And you'll. If I. I know if this is a lot for someone.

Yeah, it's a lot. That's a. I'm not there yet. I'm not there yet. I'm listening to what you're saying, but I'm not there yet. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Okay. This is what I will say about Jade, though. Because I. When I met you and Maui. What I. What I love about you so much is like just your energy being around you. Like, as soon as I see you, can see how confident you are. People are so attracted to you. I don't mean. I mean, yes, I'm sure people are sexually attract you, but I don't mean that. Just people are want to know you. They want to be around you. They want to be around your energy. You're a very powerful female. Like, that is just there. So I don't disagree that all this stuff is contributing to that. It's just. It's just so new for so many of us living shame.

So this doesn't have to be everyone else's path. But if you can at least remove shame in whatever way works for you. So say you have a problem with your thighs or your stomach. What I would lead clients through typically is internal family systems practices, just the way that we do with, like an inner dialog. So say it's your stomach. You would put your hands on your stomach and you would just feel, like, really feel the emotion there from that body part. Like what? So can you name it? Like, what, what. What's actually there? Is it sadness? Is it grief? And then can you ask it? Like, ask that area of your body that you feel shame around. What message do you have for me? And then just get really quiet and listen and I promise you you'll hear something that you need. Like something around removing the shame and then just have an inner dialogue with it. It's the same thing. Like, if you were to have. If you have an inner critic that's telling you that you're not articulate or that you need to take all the courses because that's how you're going to be good enough to coach or to do real estate. Like, you need all the courses. If you were to ask yourself, like, where. Ask, like, ask the inner critic, and you can name it an inner asshole. An inner critic. You can name it Jessica, whatever you want to name it. Like, in your mind, like, really ask that. What, like, what are you trying to protect? It's always trying to protect you. And then why? Well, because if you don't take the courses, I'm afraid you'll look stupid. You know, like it's. There's always something there that is shameful. And then you can ask, how old are you? Whether it's the stomach you're talking to or the inner voice, how old are you? And then just get really quiet and listen. Might say 12. And then when you get to that, you can ask it, like. So this is an example. I think I told the story on the last episode of My mom was really, really Violent. I was home, I was about to get in the shower, so I wasn't dressed. My mom came in. She was getting really, really violent. There was dog poop on the floor because we had just gotten a puppy. And she was slamming my face into it. And then I fell backwards and my legs opened and I'm nude. And she says, close your legs. You think I want to see your disgusting pussy? So not only am I 12 and I'm being treated like the way that I'm being treated, but the sentence that was said about my most sacred part of my body. Wow. And so then I get in the shower and, you know, I have the, the dog poops just running down my face and I feel one with the dog poop, basically, I feel so unworthy. So when I had this, this story of like, I'm not going to do good at this, I'm not going to do good at this, I can ask, well, who are you trying to protect by telling me this? By, by, by this inner voice that's telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid. Who are you trying to protect? Then her voice can say, you, okay, how old are you? Or what are you trying to accomplish? Like, I'm afraid you're going to look stupid. Or if you take these courses or if you, if you do this, then you'll seem good enough. Okay, how old are you? How old is this voice in this narrative? Say, it says 12. And I say, okay, you're 12 years old. And then I just get really quiet and I wait for a visual of what happened at 12 years old that created this narrative and say, it took me back to that place with my mom. Then I would go and I would talk to that 12 year old who's basically my inner critic, who developed this narrative that I'm not good enough, that I'm like as, as unworthy as this dog poop, right? And I would ask the 12 year old, what do you need? Like, first I would, I would make sure that she feels really safe with me, like to talk to me. And I would like observe her, what she's doing at 12 years old, what her life looks like. And then I would ask her what she's feeling, what she needs. And then I would ask her what, like, so when I asked her what she needs, it could be that she stands up to her mom, that she tells her, you're not going to talk to me like this. I am worthy. Whatever it is. A lot of times it's just that they need us, who we are today as a grown woman, to parent them in that place. So to become, and to say, you are so worthy, you did not deserve this. You're not stupid. You're not, you know, you didn't deserve to be talked to like this. You are, you are so precious. You're going to become a woman that helps heal others that are going through this. Like, tell her all the things she needs to hear and then ask her, do you want to stay here even though this may continue, or do you want to come with Me and you can live, you can be with me now in my life where that I've built, that is shame free. And typically she'll say I want to go with you. And then in doing that, so this is Richard Schwartz work from Internal Family Systems. In doing that we're becoming more integrated whole individuals because that 12 year old is now. So because time isn't linear and because we have that new narrow pathway, it's like we're like doing a matrix re imprinting where we're creating a new outcome that actually happened in that memory. And if, especially if you're doing it.

During tapping, like you're basically reprogramming.

Right. And if you're doing it during tapping, which is like tapping on the these points that if you look up emotional freedom technique, you can look at where to tap it. You can even watch a YouTube video and do this while doing it. So in really traumatic situations it's best to tap on the outside of the palm of the hand. And what it does is it creates this matrix re imprinting where we've created this new story not only for our 12 year old self but for who we are today. It not only creates that new neuropathway but it also in the times that our inner critic, which is our inner child speaks up like that, it creates this habit to where our wise woman also speaks up and has a voice. We can do that with our stomachs as well. Like we can ask when, when did we first feel shame around our body? You know, and we can go to that and create a new narrative as well. And it doesn't mean that like we don't want to still work on our physique. It doesn't mean that. It just means that we're coming to it with self love and not self shame. You know, talk to me.

Most of the women where I hear about um, sexual stuff, where is that they say that they're in a sexless marriage or that they haven't had sex with their spouse in over a month or it's just infrequent or they don't have that desire. And I think a lot of women are very quick to go blame it on hormones. They'll say well it's my hormones, it's my age is changing. And I, and I don't disagree that hormones can play a role. But I'm curious what you would say into that.

What do you.

Because talking to you it's making me think that it's just more years of compounded shame.

Yeah. So it could be A lack of confidence as well. Like, when we're not feeling confident, why would we want to have sex? You know, so of course, working on developing that confidence within our own practice, like, if we can. If we can already. And sometimes we don't even have the drive to pleasure ourselves and to develop that confidence. We don't have the drive. We feel like we don't have the time. We feel like it might be too hard. We struggle. But we deserve it. We deserve. For. We deserve to, like, slow down and find that within our own practice. And if we can do that, I promise you, you'll want to take it to your partner. You know, also, like, when you're pleasuring yourself and you get those four flooded chemicals, that's going to up your sex drive as well. So there is that. The confidence. I also think that I firmly believe, and David Data teaches this, the way we have sex is how we live life, and the way we live life is how we have sex. So if we're not having sex, we're not really. We may not be showing up in life either. And you can look at, like, that can play out in so many different ways. But that's why I feel like that's why I have become a sex coach, because I feel that you can grow in so many different areas, but your sexual development is like, where a lot of things hide. Like, it's where your lack of confidence hides, your lack of being able to connect, your lack of, you know, so many things show up in our sex that can't be hidden, that are able to be hidden in all the other areas of growth. So if you think about the way that you have sex, is it like, well, I'm just doing it for him because he needs it, but I don't, you know, I'm not really getting anything out of it. Where do you do that in life or in life if you. You're always in a hurry. You're always in a hurry. Like, you. You got to get this done. You're multitasking. You're doing all these things. You're probably doing that in sex, too. Like, you're trying to hurry up and get it done because he. He. You just feel like he needs it or like you're in your head in a million different ways because you got a million different things to do it always. Like, you can always look at it and it always rings true. So if your relationship is sexless, I'd say either it's, you know, a lack of having that with yourself because we have to develop that with ourselves, that pleasure practice or that that boost of confidence or whatever it is that you need that would cultivate that with your partner. So having it with yourself, looking at how this relates to your life and then wanting to fix that, like wanting to heal it. I'll say not fix wanting to heal it, wanting to transform it. Because if you transform it in your sex, it will transform in your life and vice versa.

Do you recommend or not recommend people using AIDS in that? What I mean is that you'll hear about couples that do MDMA therapy together or there'll be somebody that needs a glass of wine or they'll have marijuana or something to help. What, what's your thoughts on that? Do you think that is helpful or do you think that just mask things more?

So MDMA shouldn't be practiced like super often, you know, so it's not like that could be. It's not like you can have a glass of wine every day and that can be damaging. Mdma, like you would only want to do it a couple of times a year. And I don't know anything that removes blockages with a partner like mdma, like anything, it just, it MDMA removes fear and it ups empathy towards ourselves and towards our partner. It removes blockages. It's. It's heart opening. So yeah, that's one of the number one things I would recommend mdma, but that's not what alcohol does and that's not what marijuana does. Those tend to be escapes, those tend to be cause a lack of connection because they take us more out of our body. So we want to do things that put us more in our body when it comes to our sex. And we want to get to a point where our sex is so electrifying that we can kind of feel out of body, but we don't. We're not going to get there if we're already out of body. You know what I mean? We have to be fully in our bodies. And I think that something that a lot of people lack in their sex is eye contact. And if we're not making eye contact with our partners, we're really not having full connection, you know, and that is something that is so uncomfortable for a lot of people to make eye contact during sex. And again, you can look at why and then where that shows up in your life also or where you're doing that in your life and how that shows up in your sex.

What do you. Because I think that's extremely common, the eye contact. Where do you think? Do you think it's A it's a very individual thing there or do you think that's a general thing that you've seen with people of is a reason why with the eye contact.

If you can't make eye contact with your partner, it's typically either you don't trust your partner, you don't feel safe and it doesn't mean that they would actually hurt you. You may just not trust their integrity. Like if a man, what we really crave from the masculine is integrity for him to, to sit do what he says he's going to do. And we also crave presence. Like those are two of the number. Those are two of the top things that we crave. Right. So if our partner says he's going to do something and he doesn't, which happens all the time with a lot of people, or if he's not present, if he's just like tuned out, we can't trust him. We don't, we can't feel safe. So that could be a reason uh, that we're not making eye contact and but to take responsibility on our end, it may be that we don't, we're not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. So again, if you're not being vulnerable in sex, you're likely not being vulnerable in life or vice versa.

And I think with the type of person that I typically work with, which is more that type, a quick start personality, I think it would be a lot of the second it's making sense that they are not being truly showing up in their life in those ways they do it maybe more from a people pleasing standpoint like I should do this but when that's missing, that makes sense why the eye contact would be missing too.

And also you can ask. So like, you know, it's not just the Bible. I think there's many, many places that say the eyes are the windows of the soul. So to look into another person's eyes, you are truly allowing yourself to be seen. So do you what, what is keeping you from not wanting to be seen? Is it because you feel unworthy? Is it because you feel unattractive? Is it because you have some hidden shame that's undealt with. There's always something, you know, when it, when it comes to why, why we don't want to be seen, we can look at that. And if we, that's why sex is so powerful for healing. Because if we look at all these things in our sex, it opens up like oh this is unhealed. Or like this needs to be looked at, you know, and Those things can hide so easily in our day to day life, but they will show up in our sex.

Okay, that makes, it makes making a lot of sense. So if someone's listening right now and they're like, okay, I kind of hear you, I'm listening to what you're saying. And I think this last part is probably what resonates most with people because it's the most immediate that they're dealing with with their partner. What advice would you give them as a starting point?

So a starting point. If you're in a sexless relationship, I would say then the first thing you would do would be to try having your own pleasure practice. Because. And that doesn't have to look like mine, mine is really big, right? And so if you can just have some sort of pleasure practice that is not shameful, then that's a really big starting point for your, your own sexual development. Because you can look at what are you doing in your sexual like sensual practice. Are you rushing? Are you like having a hard time being there fully present with yourself? So just you can start to look at those things there, start to heal those things there. The second thing I would say is to just educate yourself, like read a book. So if I can recommend any book around this, it would be either Pussy by Mama Gina changed my life. Like that book more than any other book changed my life. It would be that or maybe come as you are or Woman's anatomy to arousal. Like educate yourself on a, on a fun read that helps you understand your body more. Because most of us gave our body away before we even like we learned, we learned to like give our body away before we even learned our body, you know, so if we can go back to the basic, to the foundation and start to learn our body, like how it actually works, how we experience pleasure and, and how sexual blockages occur, which come as you are, goes really deep into that. I mean it's, it's some of the deepest personal work you can experience and it will change also how you feel about yourself and your body. So there's, there's that. And then third, I would get really honest with your partner. And this can be the hardest one. And that's why I say third. But get really honest with your partner about what you're experiencing. And for couples that don't have this type of open dialogue, vulnerable relationship, this can feel really uncomfortable for both parties because it can feel like, well, this isn't what I signed up for. Like you were suppressed when I like we didn't have to have These hard conversations, like, ever. Now you're getting to a place where, like, you're wanting to have conversations that feel uncomfortable. It can feel almost like, you know, scary. But if you can come from a place of, like, enticement to your partner and, like, if you're making it sexual, they'll likely be on board. Most men want. Most men want better sex. I don't know any man or woman that doesn't want better sex. That's another reason why I wanted to be a sex coach. Because you think about how many yoga teachers there are. Yeah. Some people want to do yoga. Everybody wants better love, sex and relationships. Everybody.

Sex and money are the two things.

Yeah. And the great thing is we're living in a time where it's not weird to ask for help anymore. You know, it's not weird to go to therapy. It's kind of the cool thing, thankfully.

Yeah.

This.

Well, this was really. This is so eye opening today, Jade. I mean, thank you for sharing so openly with us. I mean, yeah, I realize because myself too, like, there's a little bit of a shock factor on some of the things. But then I find myself questioning, but why, though? But this is something we're all doing. We all. It's all. We all have our body. We all are involved here. This is so weird that there is so much shame around it and such a taboo topic. Why? And I'm. And as you're talking, I'm sitting there asking myself, like, where did my stories around that come from?

Where?

And I need to do some work to figure that out. But, um. Because as you say things, I don't know why we go to. What? Did she just say that? Did she just say that? Like, why is that so shocking?

Is it made gross?

Yeah.

It's our body. It's fluids that come from our body.

Yeah.

And a lot of women also struggle with orgasming and that also there's a blockage there to either not feeling worthy of pleasure or to being out of our bodies. Like, there's so many different angles, but our. If we like. That's why sexuality is so powerful, is because then an avenue to heal so many things that we didn't realize were there. And that can sound scary and intimidating and exhausting, but when I look at who I was before healing, oh, my gosh, it was a night and day difference from who I am now. And I'm so much more in my body. And the woman that you described, you're able to experience me, experience me in that way because I said yes to the healing. So it may sound intimidating and it may sound scary, but it's so, so worth it. And if, if, if you can't even say, let me do this for myself. Do it for your children because you don't want to pass this down to them. Do it for whoever you, you know, feel deserves it. And then you'll realize that you deserve it too.

That just prompted me. It's sort of a final question. I'm curious, because you are a mom, you have two kids, Correct. How do you talk to your kids about this?

So the number one thing with kids for me is that they know their actual anatomy. We don't use kitty names. We don't say private parts. We don't say your, your hoo, ha, whatever. You use the actual terms because not only does that make them feel like, okay, this is just my body. There's no. We don't have to use pet names. Because it's not. Because it's like weird to say they're bald or vagina or vulva. But studies have shown that children that know their actual body part names are less likely to experience sexual trauma as well. Yeah. Because they exhibit something different. You know what I mean? They're harder to be preyed upon. It also shows that they have an open dialogue with their parents about their sexuality. You know, so there's that. Making sure that you use the actual terms. Never ever acting, like, shocked or disgusted if you see them touching themselves or playing games around, like, and then my penis knocked you in the head or whatever when they're playing alone in the room. Because boys are weird, you know, never being like, oh my God, don't do that. You know, like, never, never projecting shame onto them. And then another main thing is that, like, when it comes to talking to them about sexuality, like, just wait till they ask. And if they ask, then it's time. Because you don't want to. That was something big for me is like trauma. Is anything too soon, too fast or too much. So I didn't want to talk to them about their sexuality too soon, you know. And so my. What I'm going to do is, you know, they're only five and six, so they haven't done it yet. Is when they ask me, I'll have an open, shame free dialogue with them. And you can also, like, if your kids are getting to puberty years, you can prompt them. You know, like, you can, you can find ways to prompt the questions. But having a really open. They're only going to feel uncomfortable if they've already developed Some sort of shame or if they're feeling shame from you, if there's shame, it's going to be a very normal, comfortable conversation. And I remember also, like a kid saying, I don't remember how old I was, I was a teenager. And she said like, that her mom told her to put her period blood on her pimples, that it would dry him up. And like, we were so grossed out. But now I look at that and I'm like, that was so cool that like, her mom, like, there is zero shame, you know? And so I know that that sounds weird, but like, my number one goal in my parenting is just to. For it to be shame free, you know, Obviously there's a lot of other things that I want to pass down to them, but when it comes to their bodies, I want them to feel zero shame. And when it comes to who they are, I want them to feel always worthy. So every day when I drop them off at school and every night when I put them to bed, I look in their eyes and I say, you are worthy of love and belonging just the way that you are. And I am so thankful that you are my daughter and so thankful that you are my son. Because I don't want them to ever feel like anything that they have ever done or anything about who they are is not good enough. So good.

You are such a good mom, Jay. And this is so, so eye opening and so helpful on so many levels. If people want to find more on you, can you tell them a little bit about your podcast and what you do there?

Yeah. I will add that my kids do see me with my period blood on my face.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, it must be a full moon mom's. So I'm actually thankful that, like, they're going to have zero shame around.

They will.

A menstrual cycle of a woman. So my podcast is called Untamed and Unashamed. Probably the perfect name, right? So it's called Untamed and Unashamed. I actually had Mama Gina who wrote Pussy I had her on two weeks ago. And it is one of the most downloaded and most amazing.

I'm going to listen to it.

Yeah. So please do, because you'll be like, oh, wow, Jay, it's not that weird. It actually teaches a school based off of this.

Well, no, this is what I think is fascinating is like, as much as we have these stories about that strange. That's weird. Like, I instantly when I met you was like, I want to know more about her. Like, how do I want that energy. Like, like you, it's a very contagious energy that you have.

So it's juice on me. Yeah.

So. But as much as we sit there and judge and go, oh, like you really do, you. You represent a lot of what you have worked to accomplish. So it's amazing.

Thank you. So her, she has a school called Woman, the Womanly Arts Institute or something like that in New York and she actually teaches women to have hour long orgasms. Like she's all about pleasure. But the episode itself is really, really good, so I'd highly recommend that. And, and then on Instagram, I'm just at the Jade Rice.

Thank you so much. Shade. This was great. Thank you.

Thank you.

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Sam.