How to Use Your Words to Create the Life You Want with Michael Bernoff

Welcome back to midlife conversations. Today I've got one of my favorite people, Michael Bernoff here.

You know, favorite people.

Favorite people. Because every time I hear you speak, I'm transformed. Literally, I get mesmerized. I'm transformed. I learn something every time I hear you speak. So I wanted to have him here today because he is a master enroller. If you don't know what that means, enroller means you're someone that can speak. And people are transformed. They get into action based on words that you use.

Yes.

That's how I would describe you.

I've never. I've never actually seen that as an answer to it. Okay, that's a great way to put it.

What's your elevator? What would you say you do?

I'm a master enroller. I love it. I mean, I think that that's perfect. The reason I love that is. Is it is what I say. We got to roll people in ideas. Whether it's our children, whether it's ourselves, whether it's someone in the neighborhood, whether it's that pesky hoa person in our community that we have that we're dealing with because we want to put a fence in our backyard, we've got to enroll them in why they think it's a good idea. And as we get older, language actually becomes even more important than in the past because people are paying less attention, and the more time you can get at it, quickly, it makes a big deal.

So what would it mean for you if you could use your words to literally get what you want in life and to help other people? Like, I want you listening as an audience to think about that. What would it mean if you knew how to use your words in a concise fashion, where everything that came out of your mouth helped get people to where you want them to go?

Got it.

That's what you do.

Well, not to correct you on your own show, but you said everybody and the challenges can't get everybody all the time. That's one of those screw up words. So if we go back to the fitness days, if someone says, I'm gonna work out every day, do they do it?

No.

You set yourself up. So we use the words more often than not. And the reason I say more often than not, More often than not, the people you communicated with enrolled in your idea, it would change your life, correct?

Yeah.

If more often than not your kids did their homework quickly, would change. Everything more often than not goes to a different part of the brain every time. Everywhere. Everything goes to the bullshit sense in the brain. So there's, like, little buckets in our brain where things actually go okay. And when certain words are used. Now, here's the crazy part. Big tech companies know everything I'm teaching. I refuse to work for the big guys because even though they want to pay a lot, I won't work with them. I work with us, helping us, like, defend against some of this stuff, because they know this. This is how they hold us on Netflix. This is how they get us to pay attention so we buy stuff. So the same things that these big companies are using, we can use at our kitchen table with our children or selves first thing in the morning to get your butt to the gym or to, like, kill an argument between two happy people that are, like, fighting at.

That moment more often than not.

More often than not.

Okay, let's back up for a minute. How did you.

This is add conversation.

No, I. I love it. I love it. But how did this even start? Like, were you born communicating like this? That you was the learned skill? Were you always good at this?

So I'm gonna say yes and no. And I don't like those words. Yes and no. I was shy externally as a kid. And what I mean by shy externally is, like, I was that guy that, like, I remember in high school, like, or even before high school, probably seventh grade. Like, a girl would like me, and I'd be like, well, you know. And I was, like, kind of held back.

Yeah.

And I don't know if you went through that phase. Maybe you didn't, but I would hold back on certain things. And, like, I never went for it until I got older. And then I started watching. What are successful people doing? Like, what are the people in the movies that get the big roles? What are the big roles? And I realized it's words. It was a words. The way the Brad Pitt part was written in Fight Club, he was written to be a badass. Am I correct?

Yeah.

You could have used different words, and he would have been written to be a loser. He could have been weak. So what I realized is I started watching about 19, 20 years old, the difference between the guys that did great in relationships, the ones that teachers liked. When I went to college, the people had great friends. Those people used words differently. Same words laid out a little bit differently, get a different response from people.

So you learned this early. And then how did you. So how did you start crafting this and getting better at it? Like, where did you even start to study?

Here's the day things changed. Interesting. You bring this up so in the, in the room here at the institute, I had a gentleman come by here the other day. I was in a class. I got, I got invited to not come back to Arizona State University after two years because I was really a professional party, right? Like I was really good. The language I used was how to party. I had a fake ID business, you know what I'm saying? I literally was a partier, right? And what happened was on my second year of school, they said maybe academic probation. So my parents were smart, go to a junior college. I went to this Mesa Community College. And it was interesting, between junior college and real college or regular asu, real business owners taught those classes. So a guy owned five businesses and he gave us a list of books to read. Now when I heard reading, reading again. Went to that part of my brain, right? We don't do like, we don't read. I don't know if we curse on the show, but like things we, things we don't do is read like. So I avoided reading and eat a list of books. I'm 19 years old and as I'm going through them, it's like, read about capitalism, read about the banking system, read about this. And then boom. How to win friends and influence people. 19 year old guy wants to influence people. I want to be influential. My life, women, influence. I mean this has made sense. So I'd get the book and I didn't even need to open it. In two seconds I go, wait a second, you can get better at this. Why has nobody told me in my life that actually you can get better at something? I thought one day I'd wake up and it'd be more influential. One day I'd wake up. So that is the day it began that I realized, wait a second, nobody's teaching this. That's bs. I want to find a way to share this with people.

Okay. I've heard people describe you also as someone who's a master at nlp. Tell me what that means.

And neuro linguistic program.

And is that something you studied?

And you don't really get great at studying it, you get great at using it. You could study doing hair all day long, but if you don't actually do it, you could study health and fitness all day or how to be great with the like, like midlife. It's not going to do anything. So I went into NLP and I started studying this back in the late 90s, early 2000s. I'm talking 23 years ago. And the challenge with it, a lot of people think it's like the do all end all. So I invented something called human interaction Technology. It's when you're interacting with a human of any sense. Email, face to face, over the phone, a podcast, anything on a show, whatever it is we're doing. How do the words that you use change the reaction inside of another person's mind? So what it is, is it's setting up a conversation so effectively that it lowers resistance in people, increases receptivity. Because isn't that what we're looking for? Yeah, that's. NLP is affecting somebody's language.

So I think of myself as a pretty good communicator. Pretty good.

Come on.

But you.

How about exceptional?

Okay, exceptional, but not. Not your level yet. Because when. When you like how you said to me, more often than not, that'll stick forever.

I got some more of those I'm gonna give you.

I wonder why we use some of those filler words, like, why do I say everybody? My husband cringes every time I go everybody. And all the.

He's like, we're lazy and we're filling in the blank. Because our unconscious mind. I've studied. I failed psych 101 three times. But I charge more than any therapist in the country. Like, there's people we know that I've taught that got them over major phobias and issues. And what's interesting about that is what I recognize inside of our minds, we have a need to fill in the blank. So when you say everyone, it's easy. Your mind goes, it doesn't matter, everybody. But as soon as someone says, like, you ever met anyone that's depressed?

Of course.

How do they talk?

Kind of down and slow.

But what do they say?

They talk about themselves and what they feel.

Got it. So the person's gonna say, like, you ever met anyone that was mad at someone?

Of course.

How do they tell you they're mad at them?

Their facial expressions and their body language.

And I'll give you the words. So basically, they're gonna say something like this. I can't stand Jim.

That's right.

And in their mind, I can't stand Jim. When they say that goes back to the moment they met Jim at the beginning of the conversation, all the way back to day one of meeting Jim all the way to today. Okay, so what a intelligent friend does is they don't act like an average friend. And I hate the word friends because, Mark Zuckerberg, you messed up the word friends. And the reason I hate. I can't stand friends. I have 5,000 people. I don't know. Like, you're. You're a friend, but you're really instead of a friend. You're on my team. You and I are in the team of making the world better. Would you rather be a 5,000 person friend or would you rather be on the team?

No, I'd rather be on the team. Oh, I see what you. Oh, I see what you just did there too, again.

So let's backtrack. Let's go back to this. Add's gotta remember. So what happens is whenever you're communicating with somebody and you are looking to get your point across on what it is that you're doing with another person, you've got to realize that your language actually matters. So when somebody says, I am mad at Jim or Bill or whoever we talked about a minute ago, you want to say, okay, has this been going on for years or is it something recent? An average friend gets on the band like, dude, what did he do? Tell me he's a jerk, he's an asshole, blah, blah, blah. An average friend goes, really? How long has this been going on? Well, about a week. Got it. So a week of your relationship has been challenging. Does that feel different?

Yes, it feels totally different.

Has your child ever said to you something was hard?

Yeah, of course.

Give me like an example. Let's put it on the spot.

Oh, gosh. School is hard.

Okay, so when someone says things hard, how do you normally respond? So if I said to you, I am now your daughter, and I said, school's hard.

Well, now. Gosh, now I feel like I gotta be on point with my answer here.

Better be good. You better be good. This is really gonna.

I would probably ask what's hard about it.

Okay, very good. So when you do that, you're making them re clarify and defend their point. So if you teach debating, what happens is you're getting someone to agree that it is hard and you're joining them. And now I'm going to manipulate and use our relationship to get you to agree with me. So I can say, even Natalie, even my mom, even my dad, even my friend, even Chip behind the camera, he says it's hard. Watch this. Tell me it's hard. Tell me school's hard.

School's hard. It's boring. It's hard.

Actually, Natalie, it's not. Pause. One, two. It's harder than you'd like it to be. Correct?

Sure.

I just changed your psychology. So if you watched her face, things changed. Adding the er at the end changed things. School is harder than you'd like it to be. And you wish you were better at it.

Correct, Correct.

So is it hard or it's harder than it changes? Harder.

Ooh. Okay, so wait, let's do that now that we're on the team. Because most of my audience has teams. I have a team.

This is great.

Relationships.

I got a 22 year old, 11 year old. I'm right in the middle.

I have a 16 year old.

I've been through it all. I've been through it all. And girls too. Girls. I have girls.

Okay, so teens have lots of relationship drama. They do, right?

Especially girls.

And they're very emotional.

Boys just throw the punch. In the old days, the punch just solved it all.

So, okay, so they say they're in their beat up about relationships.

Give me an example.

Why is it so depressing or why is it so challenging?

So we want to say is it depressing like you want to jump off a bridge or it really sucks, right?

Oh, okay.

Do you see what I just did? So the reason is you want to make it worse. So what we do is you want to make something worse so it can only get better. So is this depressing? Like we're going to jump off a bridge and we never. Like, you're like, I hate John. Okay, so are we going to get a. Like, are we going to go throw him in the back of a Cadillac and kill him? Or is he really annoying you?

Okay, this is good. You're having. I'm having a memory. My dad was like an ultimate salesperson. And my dad told me you made me your dad.

Okay, now we got. Now we got dad things going on right now. Okay, thank you. All right.

I think I'm older than you, so there's no way you're mine. But my dad, he had said to me when I first got my driver's license, he said, if you ever get pulled over for speeding, and the cop says, do you know how fast you were going? I'll never forget this. He said, I must have been going so fast. So the cop says, no, you weren't going that fast.

That's really.

So that's kind of why.

So it's overdoing it. Or you can say, if you get pulled over. I love what your dad said. I'm gonna use that one. But I'm gonna stay driving safe. Okay, but you could so easily say get pulled over someone. I really appreciate you that you care so much about the community that you were smart enough to pull me over. I want you to think about that for a second. That played into the part of, what are they gonna say?

You probably do that, don't you?

I mean, I might have been the guy that walked up to a club and there was, like. It was hard to get in. And I walk right up to the bouncer and I hand them both licenses. Thank you. I appreciate what you did for this last time. It's just the two of us tonight.

How do you do that without it coming off like.

Because it's honest. I've been there before. I'm not lying. Right.

So you have to. There's a fine line, though, between it being fake and real.

You gotta be real.

So how do you get yourself into that real space? I mean, you obviously have to believe that first, because otherwise it is fake.

First off, here's the question. You need to believe that you could be a better communicator than you currently are. And also the biggest thing for everybody watching this right now, the thing stopping you from getting everything you want in this world is communication. I have a big sign outside that says, your future hinges on your ability to effectively communicate. So if you want to be good at something, like, I'll go back to my daughter here for a second. So here is an interesting thing. She's nine years old. She's about to compete at her first competition. So I said, maya, go out there and win. But I paid attention to her facial. She goes. And I go, okay, well, that didn't go right. And then I realized, wait a second. She's never won before. How can I ask her to win if she's never won? So I said, come back here, Maya. Go show off everything in the race. She knew how to show off. So she goes out there, shows off, and then she wins. Now, we have a neural pathway for winning. Do you got it? So a salesman or your people. That these people are salespeople sometimes, right? Yeah, you got salespeople, right? Your people, like, let's go make six figures, dude. If they've never made it, we can't even talk about it. So we need to change their average of, like, what they do naturally. So I know we're jumping around a lot of conversations. I have so many cool things to cover, but I know this is great. Well, hopefully we're recording this.

No, I'm learning. I'm learning so much. Notepad, take notes here. I'm going to replay my own episode 100 times to make sure I know this. Okay, so let me ask you some really practical questions here. So a big.

I'll take a drink while you're doing.

That big topic that comes up is communication with spouses.

Yep.

My husband and I have this.

Should I get my wife down here?

My husband will say a lot of times, maybe I'm not communicating well or I'm not explaining.

Does he say that exactly like that?

Yeah, he'll say I'm not. He'll say, I'm not communicating. That's what you say.

How does it make you feel when he says that? I feel like Dr. Phil. So how does that make you feel when he says that?

I don't know how to respond to it. Like, I'm not. It puts me back to I'm not paying attention mode. Makes me feel like I did in school.

Let me give him a cool word. He could say, I think if you were more accurate, I could probably respond better. So what happens? He means to say, communicate. What? He means to be like, dude, you're not. I can't read your fricking mind. Like, my wife expects me to read her mind because a nice, caring man would read your mind. Like, what are you, a loser? So, like, I mean, you know what I'm saying, right? Like, pointing does not mean I need to change the light bulbs. Pointing means pointing. Right. So I think accuracy is what we need. I believe you communicate very well, and he believes you communicate with. What he's asking for is if we could be more accurate, our relationship would be stronger and better.

Got it.

So he's actually hooking you up with a really cool way of looking at things. You're not doing anything wrong. He believes you could be better.

Okay.

Because he loves you.

Okay. And so. So it goes both ways. So I'll tell he's giving. He's giving my husband a thumbs up right now. You all can't see that. So. But I could say the same thing.

If I could get my wife right here and they could talk about us. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So how do you, when speaking, spouses feel like they're not communicating with each other? Because I hear that. And maybe I don't have them both sitting together talking about it, but women tell me all the time. I feel like my husband doesn't hear me. I feel like I'm not. I'm not communicating well. What. What do you say to them?

So this is the interesting thing. So I teach this in my programs. I have, like, a list of, like, rules that people need to follow in order to be effective. And one of the rules that I have is it doesn't matter what you say. It's how they respond that Matters. So the question is I communicate for the response, not for sounding good.

Right.

So most women, sounds good. What you're saying it makes sense to you, but it doesn't make sense to them. You getting this?

Yes.

So like you're speaking from like emotions maybe, or you're speaking from like this feeling or thought that they don't actually have a neural pathway for in their brain. So my question is, do you want them to get it or do you want to talk?

So they want them to get it. So do you. Is that about getting clear with your intention first? Is that what you would say?

Let's say our number one thing is we gotta get people's attention. Okay, so let's go back to. This is my favorite little examples. Can I give a cool.

Yeah, I love them.

Are we cool on temp too? Because we can. Because if I need it extra cold, we don't need it this cold. But we cut that part out. But the. But the interesting thing. So let's go back to the 80s and 90s. We're in high school and we go from having gym class to sex ed and home ec. Do you remember these type of classes? So they put us.

Do they have home EC anymore?

They don't have sex ed anymore. So I don't know what's going on. So they bring us to sex ed class, right? And they bring us to sex ed class and they sit us down and they like us watch videos and they tell us, don't do this, do this, this bad stuff happens, don't do this. And everybody still does it. But they weren't realizing who their audience was.

Right?

You got a bunch of 14, 15, 16 year old kids. So imagine what they did instead is they asked everybody. Because they're trying to get us to not have babies at 12. Correct? That's their goal. That was the goal, right? Or to be smart. So it wouldn't have been better. They said, all right guys, we're gonna take a nap. Everybody take a nap. Go lay on your desk. Everybody take a nap. And 15 minutes later, they wake us up to the sound of a crying baby. Waa, waa, waa, waa. And then they tell us, take a nap again. And then, waa, waa, wah wah, take a nap again. And then after an hour, they steal your frickin wallet and they tell you you never can have any more money. And guess what? I think you'll get it because you will never sleep again. If you have a child and you'll.

Have no money, you should have a sex Ed teacher.

But what I'm getting at is if you wanted their attention, that's what you would do. So if you want your husband or your wife's attention, we've got to lower. We got to get their attention and lower their resistance. So they're receptive.

Wow. Yeah.

I can go so deep on this.

No, but it's so wild because this is so natural to you.

It's natural to you too. You understood it immediately, didn't you?

I do understand it. I just. I'm like, how do I bridge the gap? You're like the master at this. So. And I'm sure people.

Number one is we don't compare.

Okay.

First thing we do is don't compare. How long have you been. How long has fitness been important in your life?

I mean, my whole life. For a lot. Forever.

Give me a year.

Well, probably. Serious. Serious. The last 20 years.

Okay, someone's watching this. They've had 20 years on the couch eating Dunkin Donuts. Okay.

Yeah.

They cannot compare for at least a year. Correct.

That's right.

So number one, don't compare to me. Don't compare to you. Correct.

Yeah.

Your social media skills don't compare. We're just getting started. So number one is we've got to commit that we want to get better. So here's the greatest thing. How great of a communicator are you? Or, like, let me ask you a question. You think you're a great salesperson, right?

I think I'm pretty good.

Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how good are you?

I'm a 10.

Okay. Compared to Bobby Oxarod and billions, how good are you?

I don't know. I've never watched that.

So compared to, like, the greatest hedge fund guys in the world to close.

Billion dollar deals, I clearly haven't done that yet. So, no, I'm a zero on that one.

Well, what I'm getting at is if we think we're a 10, we can't grow. So most of us have to realize I'm a two as a communicator, which means I get a chance to get to a 10. I give myself a room. If I think I'm the best in the world, I do that for my own confidence to get out there and do it. But I'm a three in what I'm capable of. The greatest gift we can give ourselves is to accept that we're not that great.

That's so good.

We're not that great.

Yeah.

If you think you're great, you're Screwed. You have no room to grow.

So how do you do that and still keep your confidence up? Because you do that with communication. Do you say I'm a 3?

You're gonna need like what I would call like this like secondary needing observer role. So compared to the majority of people, like as soon as you start exercising three days a week, you're in the 1% club.

Right.

1% of the world exercise three days a week.

If that right?

Am I correct?

That you're correct.

Okay. 1% of the people in the world have probably pretty good relationships with their kids. So as soon as you start talking with your kids and hanging out, you're in the 1%. Wow. Then what you've got to recognize is if I'm going to do it more, am I looking to be in the 1% of the 1% or the 1%? So I'm better than most, but I'm not where I'm capable of being.

Got it.

As soon as you give a crap, you're better than most.

That's amazing right there. Okay. Help us with communication in like getting what you want in just talk. Okay. I'll never forget this story because my. One of my best friends, she's a trapeze. She does trapeze as a hobby. That's like her fun thing. This is our friend, my friend Allison.

Okay.

Yeah. And she.

Your friend first, I think.

Were we. Was I friends?

I don't know, 2015. We met.

I don't know, I probably met her after actually.

Dude. My friend first.

Okay, your friend first. Our friend Alison.

She's gotta have fun in life.

Who happens to be like 60 and a trapeze artist as a hobby, which is hysterical. I love it.

She looks 25.

She does look 25. But she wanted to build a trapeze on her lawn. Like this was her goal in her house. And she. But she needed to use part of the Neighbors lawn, like 500 square feet. And she was very scared of asking this and how did you help her with that?

Okay, so what I did is I found out like what she wanted. We found out her outcome, what she was after. And then as soon as we found her outcome of what she was after, we found out how we're going to talk to the person. So here's my question. What state of mind do you want somebody in when you're about to ask them for like their land?

A happy, generous, neighborly, fun. No. What do you.

No.

Okay.

That's what everybody thinks.

Heartfelt heart space.

No, go there. Okay, so this is let's talk about drugs.

Okay.

I don't want to, like, talk about dealing drugs, but let's talk drugs. So inside of our minds, we have drugs inside of our heads. This is like a deep conversation. So I'm going to give you the three minute version of, like, how to be a drug dealer. So every time you use words, it changes the drugs inside of another person's body. So most salespeople want to get people excited, correct?

Yep.

How long does excitement last?

Just while you're with them, right? Right.

Then Starbucks knows. 45 minutes after the coffee, you're on.

To the next one. Yes.

45 minutes after you buy Beach Body, it's over. You know what I'm saying? 45 minute high, it's a dopamine rush. And everybody wants, like, I'm going to get them excited, dude. They're in their car already looking at your competitor. It's over. Then you take marketing classes and you study fear and you realize, dude, fear lasts longer. So if I scare somebody, like, dude, if you don't buy this house right now, you're never going to get the house.

Yeah, the pains.

If you don't change, you're going to die. If you notice. Because our minds remember negativity longer. Because negativity is. Our minds are like, keep them alive, keep them alive, keep them alive, keep them alive. So we're always looking for advantages and things to avoid. Okay, these are brains. So, like, we're looking, how do I make my life better and how do I avoid. This is number one. But this is where what we do changes everything. Imagine husbands and wives built up the other person. Imagine we built somebody up like, like Arnold Schwarzenegger back in the day. And we made people, like, look like this. And we walked into a sales setting and we walked in and that person felt empowered. They felt like they could make the decision and not like an ego boost. Like they felt like they're capable. So there's a third drug. This is what I taught Allison. And have you ever told your daughter you're proud of her?

All the time.

You don't do that shit. Oh, yeah, don't do that. Don't tell anyone you're proud of them ever again.

Never again.

It's not a bad thing. But here's what it does. There's a drug called serotonin, and I got a doctor here could explain this. Serotonin. Literally, when you inject it to somebody, they feel proud. Correct. So if I walk up to my daughter and say, I'm proud of you, who Gave her the drugs you did. So then she. Now I control her. So in Netflix, what they do is they make you feel proud of yourself. Good job pushing. They give you a little noise after you watch the next episode. Da ding. That's a pride noise, right? Alternatively, what if you told your daughter, tell me something she's done great recently.

She. She recorded and released her an album on our own.

It's about us. So you said you're proud of her. Watch this. What's her name?

Did I screw up? Penelope.

What's her name? What's that?

Penelope.

So instead of saying, I'm proud of you, Penelope, that album is incredible. You should be proud of yourself and think about that for a second. When you tell somebody they're proud of themselves, they realize. Really? I did that. My daughter walks around after competition saying, I'm very proud of myself for what I've done. She's not. It is soft.

You know what's interesting? I don't.

We'll go back to Allison in a second.

I don't like when people tell me they're proud of me. And now I just connecting that dot.

Because it's bullshit, it's real, and they meant it. But then you're not proud of me.

I'm repeating it.

So if I were to say to you just, this is the truth, Natalie, I'm really. I'm really proud of you. You got a great podcast. I'm really proud of the work you've done. The transition you've done to really own your audience. Meaning, like, what it is and how to help them and serve them is great. Versus, you should really be proud of yourself, who you are as a mother, you know, wife.

That feels way more genuine. It's like. And it's the truth. Wow.

I never do. Is when you walk into a business meeting, instead of saying, hi, I'm Michael. Nice to meet you. What would you like to do? And buy a car? I'd walk in and say, listen, I just want to commend you in advance that you even set up the time to set up this meeting.

Yeah.

Most people talk about making their lives better, and here we are doing it.

You know what I realize every time I have an interaction with you? This is probably why people like you so much. Seriously, every time.

I had no idea.

I think every interaction I've ever had with you, you do that to me. Like, in our first, like, five seconds.

I legitimately like you. I care, but I want you to feel better.

Oh, that makes me feel good. It's amazing.

You've got a simple rule in my life. If I'm talking to you, I like you. And if I don't, if I'm not talking to you, I don't like. Everybody on our team knows if I stop talking to you, then you're in trouble. You're in trouble. Right? So if I'm gonna spend time with someone, I want you to feel as great as possible, because I don't want to be around losers, okay? I want you to feel like such a winner inside.

You're really good at that.

But here's the deal.

We all know you should be proud of yourself at how you make people feel.

I can't even make it stop, right? It works, right? You're doing it. How hard is it? So you could even say to your audience, you should be proud of yourself that you're watching this. A lot of things you could do.

Right now, and more people than not will learn this skill now.

Bingo. So back to Allison. And there's one more drug I'm going to tell you, which is really how we got it. So she walked up to them, and instead of saying, I got to get in the guy's head space here. So she's like, you can walk up and say, I need 500ft of your land. How much do you want to give me for it? She walked up and said, hi, Allison, I'm your neighbor. Ever since I was a little girl. And she walked over the cookies, too, of course. Okay. Cookies that are freshly baked. Ever since I was a little girl.

She didn't bake cookies. She's just.

I don't think she can cook.

I don't think she can.

Allison, can you cook? No. She buys good cookies because she's such a successful businesswoman. Proud of yourself. So she walks up and she goes, very simply, she goes, I'm your neighbor, Allison. I just want to let you know, ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a trapeze in my backyard. And since I bought this home, I have been thinking about it ever since. And I know for a fact that it's something possible that can do. And I know that you can help me pull that off.

Wow.

So she gave him empowerment.

Yeah. He wants to help.

Now you can help me for that small piece, this little teeny piece of 500 square feet of your land that I need, allows me to hit my childhood dream.

And, like, who would say no to that?

You can't. And it's the truth. And guess what? And thank you.

Yes.

And that's the Key. So then she induced what's called oxytocin, which is the connection afterwards. So when you want to connect with somebody, we want to sell dime bags of cheap drugs are. I don't even do drugs because I have so much stigma. Right. I don't even drink. Right. But what's in my brain is two very simple things. Excitement and fear are not. I get rid of those. Those are stupid. Those are stupid drugs. Whether you like me or not doesn't matter. What really gets me off and it gets me excited is pride and connection.

Okay?

So we need to speak in levels of pride, strength, and connection. So what she says is, you get to help me do that, and we get to do that.

You get to help me do that, and we get to do that.

Where are we right now? Your entire group of humans that are smart enough to watch this right now are listening and watching. We're part of a community. We're all in this together. This is the truth. Listen, it is not easy to be married or raise a family, but it's not hard either. What it is is we are underdeveloped skills that we need to get better at.

So I see what you just did there too, because you're bringing in. People feel part of it. They feel part of it versus you talking at them.

Yes.

Which I think more people than not talk at people. Right.

I'm not a salesperson. I really care about people, so I believe people need to recognize we don't have to sell as much if we can communicate better.

So the reason I'm a level three at sales now. I'm not gonna say 10 ever again.

How good could you compare to most people?

You're what? Compared to most people.

Okay, compared to most people, you're what?

Okay, well, now you tell me three.

But you're ten compared to most.

Okay, compared to most. But one of the things that has always worked for me was really being inquisitive with people because I care. Like, I'll literally ask so many questions and be really understanding where they're coming from, and then if I know what I have is the solution, I'm sharing it as a solution. If it's not the solution, I don't share it. And that, to me, really, sales is solution finding. So that works in that transactional space. What I want to figure out is how that can just work in communication.

Give me an example. So my favorite thing is answer any question.

The HOA example. The HOA is on your.

I've dealt with them before.

Your butt about. I Don't know your doors or something. Okay. And it's driving. It's like a whole thing now. Like, they're annoying you. You're annoying them. How do you communicate?

Well, what would you say?

Stop messaging me. No, I'm just kidding.

So they're bothering you about your door. Your door color's off. One color, right?

Yeah, I'm just using. Okay. I'll give you an example. I gotta. I got. I was. I'm still fired up about it. I'm still fired up about it. I. I got a new car, and I had been driving the same speed limit in my neighborhood forever, but I got a new car that's louder. Okay. It's got one of those big turbo engines. And all of a sudden we get a note that I'm speeding.

Yep.

Through the neighborhood.

What's the first thing you say to yourself when you get the note?

I. I just got defensive.

Okay. So here's somebody that cares about something different than I do.

Okay.

Did you hear what I just said?

Oh, yeah. So they care about something. Yeah.

That I don't really care about.

Okay.

So the reason you say that is then you're not defensive right now.

Okay.

I know it sounds like Michael. Do you really act this way? No, I get pissed off sometimes from Jersey. I get it. But the first thing is when you get the letter in the mail from the irs. Okay, got it. This is this person's job.

Ah, so you're putting. Getting in their shoes for a minute.

Well, also, you're taking all the steam out of it.

Okay.

There's a person that sent me a letter that this, for some reason, matters to them.

Yes. And I was focused on being right. Like, they just don't like that I got a new car. He's laughing again. I know because my husband knows. Because I'm still bringing it up.

We spend a lot of energy trying to be right.

Yeah.

And my opinion is we build a life to want to be right. So the guy. There's a human being that believes that you are fast, Correct?

Yes.

So here's my question. Do we want to prove that we were right or do we wanted to believe something different? Think about that.

I wanted to prove that I was right.

Think about that.

The mature thing is put out your two hands.

Option one is believe that you're right.

Okay.

And get him to agree with you.

Yeah.

Option two is get him to believe something else.

Well, I know the answer should be this, but my answer is.

And this is what the politicians and the media and the news do okay. Their job is to get you to believe something different versus saying they're right. So when you write marketing, it's like, I want to prove to the whole world that this product is the greatest product. Like, become the Incredible Hulk.

Right, Right.

Versus. Or Hulk Hogan. Right. Versus. I'd like this person to believe something different.

So then how do you handle it? How do you get them to believe something different?

You got to say. You got to perfectly. I appreciate the letter, and thank you for caring about the community.

That's killing me. Okay. All right. Yeah, you're right. I gotta get past the ego part. You're right.

Or you can stay in the pain.

So you say, I appreciate the letter.

I appreciate the letter. Because you care about the community. The challenge I'm having is I have a really loud car now, and I don't want it to sound any faster. So my question for you is, how do we make this work? Because we all live together, and the last thing in the world we need is this thing between us as neighbors. Like, I appreciate what you're doing. I don't need you to appreciate my driving, but I also want you to feel safe. Also, the funny thing is. So what would I have to do to get you to feel safe?

I think that's actually how my husband responded. Is that how you responded? He's amazing he responded that way, but I was still like, but did you tell him that I was right?

I took my wife. I never think anybody has a problem with me until I walk down the street, my wife think everyone want to fight me. Right. But the point is, like, that guy's got a problem. Which guy's got a problem? It's only going on four months. Do you get it?

Yeah.

So. So what I'm getting at is you're gonna want to say, hey, listen, I really appreciate you sending the letter. And the reason I'm happy you sent the letter is you care about the community.

Yeah.

And I care about the community, too. So I just want to find a way that I can drive here not faster than I should, and we both feel comfortable.

This is good. Okay. Okay. Another example. Social media haters.

Oh, haters. You need those people?

Yeah.

The real ones are the trolls. The real trolls or the fake trolls?

The real trolls. Now, I'm not talking about, like, the ridiculous ones that you obviously just delete, but the ones that are, like, in your head, bothering you? Okay. I've evolved over this.

I can't relate to that because I don't let people in my head.

I've Evolved over this. I will say that I used to really let this bother me, but this is a question. I get a lot of people, especially my audience, that they'll say, I want to start my own brand or I want to start a business. But they're so scared of that. They're really scared of what other people think.

So what did they say to this person?

So, like, let's. I'll just give an example of a woman wanting to share her. What she's learning with health and fitness. So that's. And somebody's making a comment to her. What the person said, like, you're too old. Why are you doing that? Or why this is. Who are you to share anything like this?

Or so the logic is that of course this person's gonna say that, because that's what that person does. Do you understand what I mean by that?

Of course this person is gonna say this, because that's what that person does.

Yeah. We need. There has to be people in the world. So people like Jim Rome, my earliest mentor. Jim, you know Jim Rohn?

Yep, I know.

Jim was my. I have pictures of Jim upstairs. Jim was my, like, little mentor when I was not big. It was a big mentor for me when I was probably about 20 years old.

Okay.

And he used to say, people say liars shouldn't lie. You know why liars lie? Because that's what they do. They are signed up. So there are people whose job in life is to be annoying.

Okay.

Do you understand that?

Yeah.

So when they show up, this is an annoying person. Do you understand that?

Yep.

So here's the question. This person saying this to them, what they're really doing is they're training your future strength. Do you understand that? So I need this person to, like, I need my daughter the other day. She's got these two competitions she's going for right now. Let me explain this. She's got something called free skate, which means you have to be a precision perfect skater, like in the Olympics.

Okay.

Then there's showcase, which is how you show your skills. Like Disneyadyes, right? Like, two different skills. One is perfection that only a judge would know. The other one is, like, everyone sees most people don't do this. The best in the world do both. Okay? Do you see where I'm going with this? So my daughter is incredible at this and really great at this. If she was incredible at both, she'd never get better. So what we need these people for in our lives is to remind us that we're not there yet. So if we start responding to them. Who are you talking to? So here's my question. Like, okay, arguing. Have you ever seen anybody ever watch sports?

Yeah, I mean, I kind of watch sports. My husband has it on tv. He likes everything. He likes football. He likes everything.

Have you ever seen a call overturned?

Have I ever seen a call overturned?

Like, have you ever seen anybody, a referee, ever change their mind?

I don't know.

I bitched the ref. You screwed up. That was bad. Do they ever change their mind?

No.

Okay. Do you think this person's ever going to change?

No.

Okay. Do we think we're going to change them?

No.

So here we are again. Do we want to spend our energy trying to change them or do we want to give them power?

Yeah.

So what's amazing is as soon you know why they're there to test you. These are my testers. Thank you for showing up today. They're there to test whether I believe what I believe. So people say, well, how do you respond to a guy that's talking crap online?

You just don't.

You don't. You just say thank you. Yeah, thank you.

Okay.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you and thank you.

My husband's, like, cheering in the back.

Thank you and thank you. Give me an example of one of these bitches. Said.

I don't. I honestly don't. I'm trying to think of an example right now. Well, look at. Okay, let's just talk about during. I mean, the last couple of years. Everything, just all the political heat online, people really disagreeing and not wanting. You're not going to change.

Nobody's been converted.

Nobody.

So here's the deal. Remember this anger and directness connects, but it doesn't convert. So here's the question. You will never convert. Like, there are people I connect with, Tom, you and I both like dominant type A people. You know what I'm saying? Like badass. We want to be with them. We like them, hang out with them. We love that shit. Right? But that's a connection. So do we want to connect or convert? Are two different words.

Got it.

So you cannot convert a hater.

No. So stop trying.

Why don't we connect the dots? That's a hater.

Yes.

Now, why do we have haters? Because only when it's dark enough can you see the stars. So what that means is you need hate to have love.

So good you need them. Okay, next question. Since you're so good at all this communication stuff and you have kids, what about parents that have. Are not getting along with their kids now because this is all. Because my group has.

Are they not getting along with them or. Our communication isn't working. Working at this moment.

So community. So there tends to be a big.

Do you see the difference?

Yes. Yeah.

So a parent walks up, my kids hate me. They're jerks. I'm not getting along with my kids. What does that do? That makes hate.

They feel like they're not relating to each other.

I have not found a way to get across to my kids at this point. That's solvable.

Okay.

That's where we start. So let's just say, audience, right now, you're not going to learn with the kids right now the way you communicate. Your kid doesn't respond to, period.

So back up to the question you just asked. I want to make sure we all heard that. So you said. When I said, you're not getting along with your kids, you said, said, are you not getting along with your kids? Or what did you say?

Let me ask you a question. I don't get along with my kids. That is a permanent problem. Correct.

Right.

That is from beginning of life till now, forever. As soon as you do that, you have just. You just screwed up your life. People say, oh, what do you mean, Michael, with semantics? Listen, currently, right now, I have not found a way to communicate with my kids that works yet.

Currently, I've not.

Okay, now, what's interesting about that, now, that sends me on a mission to solve. Correct?

Yes. I like this because it's how you communicate with you. I like this reframe. Because I do this a lot with people when they say things like my genetics are bad, or I can't get fit because of this. And I always say, are you becoming the type of person who. Or, you know. So I do that in that way, but I hadn't done it in this way.

It works everywhere. So has anyone ever told you something was expensive?

Of course.

How do you respond?

I mean, according to who?

But ask me. Tell me it's expensive.

This is expensive.

So I'd say, oh, you know, say, Michael, your product's expensive.

Your product's expensive.

Actually, it's not. It's the going rate. It's just unexpected. I wish I would have met you about three years ago and I would have told you that I was gonna be offering at this price, and you would have been prepared.

That is good, everyone.

So what happens is you switch the word.

Yeah.

And you switch the meaning. So back to the parents. My kid's a jerk to screw up your relationship. So. So when people come to Events. Chip seen this? I will literally bring. His daughter just came to her last core event. I will literally bring a parent and their children in front of each other and show them how to communicate. Number one is if you think your kid doesn't communicate well or you think your kid's a jerk, you just screwed up the relationship. Well, you have to realize my kid communicates one way and I communicate another, and we've not found a way to mesh this. Correct. So that starts in your framing of what the problem is. Got it. Option two. Now that we did that, let's talk about communicating with our kids. So you pick up your kid from school. What's the first thing we always say?

How was your day?

You can't say things stupid. Because when you say, how was your day? What it was. Okay, my kid's depressed. He goes, no, you're boring. Why are they on TikTok? Because you are boring.

Mom and dad, stop asking, how was your day?

Why don't you ask him this? Hey, listen, if you were to teach the school yourself and you ran it, you were the principal, what would you. You have us do today? What would you have done different if you were the principal? If you said to Penelope right now, you said, hey, listen, if I handed you the keys to that school, what would you change?

Oh, gosh. Yeah. She would have a field day with that.

She would keep talking.

Yeah.

And then she talked about what she wants to talk about.

Yeah.

So what's amazing is, like, we want our kids to do what we want them to do. What do they want to do?

Yeah, they don't want to do any of that. That brings me to the next question. Why do we ask people, hi, how are you?

See, because we're stupid and dumb. We do dumb things. When you say, hi, how are you? How many times have I heard that?

It's annoying.

Do me a favor. So the rest of the day, everywhere you go, I want you to walk up to people and say this. How are we today? It's a weird question. It's gonna get a different response. They're not gonna know how to do it.

How are we today?

I'm not saying that that's what you need to do. I'm just saying that is different.

Okay, you know what annoys me? I'm gonna. Now I'm gonna go annoys you and.

Watch me correct you. Annoys you or what? I don't like that much.

You know what? I don't like that much.

Do you feel the difference?

Yes, you feel it, but it also Annoys me. All right, you know what I. You know what I don't like?

This is an intervention that your husband put together.

Okay. This is what. What I don't like that much. When you feel the difference. Yes. When you're out and about, you're running errands, and when I am or you are. Okay. When I.

So we want to be very accurate with our communication. So if we want to sell to an audience, we're going to say, when.

We'Re doing this, we are out and about.

Now you're talking about you. You are making me. It's a game of manipulation. You're manipulating me to have the same thought you are. Now, that comes from sales. Let's back out of that. You don't mean to do that. But then we don't. So here's something I feel from time to time.

Here's something from. I feel. I feel from time to time when I'm running errands.

You feel the difference. Now it's you. Now I can disconnect and actually not have to be your best friend.

And I go to the grocery store, and they're like, do you have any plans for the weekend? Like, I don't. I don't want to tell my plans for the weekend to the cashier. How do. How do you. How do I shift that?

Okay, so first off, who said you had to say anything?

I don't, but it's rude not to.

Is it rude or it's customary?

Do you just stand there, stare at them? Well, it would be weird not to. I would just be standing there staring at them.

Okay, so let's play the little game. Okay, so I ask you, so, you have any plans for the weekend? What do you say?

Not yet. I don't know. I give them boring answers.

So what's the response?

That you want to stop them? Stop talking to me.

So. So ask me.

So ask me, do you have any plans for the weekend?

I wish.

I see what you did there.

Let's do it again.

It's awkward. Ask me, do you have any plans for the weekend?

I was hoping you had some good ideas.

That's good.

Okay, ask me in.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Definitely working on that. My kids are my priority. And thank you. And thank you shuts everybody up.

Yeah, and thank you. And thank you.

So, like, when people wanted me to do things that I didn't want to do, like, over the last several years.

Yeah.

I would very kindly let them know I really appreciate you bringing that to my attention. And thank You.

This is so good.

Wish I would've taught you this in 20, 20, 21, and 22. We'd be better off. And thank you.

And thank you. This is genius.

Thank you for. Thank. I do need to get to that. And thank you.

Okay, so that's how I'm gonna answer it from now on. That's perfect.

What's amazing. And you're gonna do it, so. But the difference is I like to play, and I think people are bored, so I got this belief that people are bored. And so, you know, else has that belief. Netflix, Facebook and everything. They think everybody's bored, so they want to guess what. Entertained. So entertainment. I go out, and people are in my entertainment. So I go out. Somebody asked me a question like, I don't know if you can do this. You know, I want to thank you for asking me that.

I want to thank you for asking that.

Got it.

Yeah. It ends it.

Very good.

That's so clever. This is so good.

This is a really good show.

I know. I. I don't know. I have so many questions. I don't even know what else to ask. Okay, let's see. How do we communicate with. Oh, gosh, I don't even know what. I don't even know what to ask now. There's so many. There's so many places to go with this. I think we covered a lot of it. Yeah, I think we covered a lot.

What else do they need to know? Take a few more minutes. Give them what they need.

So I want to know, how do you. How do you teach this to people? Like, how do you continue to teach this to people? And how do you. What do you suggest that people are. As we're listening to this, as I'm listening to you right now? How do I get more of this? How do I practice more? Because you could easily practice the wrong way, too.

You're not gonna, like, here's the deal. It's like, you ever seen Karate Kid?

Do I ever watch Karate Kid?

Okay, so in Karate Kid, there's like the scene where he's reading a book. It's like, you're not gonna learn karate from a book, so you're not gonna learn this from a book.

Right.

You're gonna first have to admit that you're not where you want to be, communication wise, and you believe you can be better. That's the first thing. I do not work with people that want to work harder. I work with people that want to get better.

Yes.

Two different games. People say, I'm just gonna force Myself to get good at this bloody brain. You freaking run your head into a wall. It's not gonna work. So I work with people that want to get better. And the way that you learn how to get good is to get around incredible communicators and watch them do what I do. Do you get this? So what happens is I have people take our classes, and they don't take it so they can learn. They take it so they can be mentored and observe. So I teach people. I have a lot of people. I'm not like, one of these guys wants to be famous. That's never been my job. So I don't post things online. I built a empire out of just, like, literally helping people. Helping people, Right? So I like to be with my kids on the weekend and not be bothered. Even though I went to the hotel and Flagstaff and I run it to people. I know. But. But the point is, why am I saying.

You said, and thank you, and they.

Stopped and thank you. I did. They got Michael Bernoff. He's one of the best speakers I've ever seen in my life. I appreciate hearing. I'm with my kids and thank you. You know, and then it goes away. But the great guy can. I appreciate running it to. If you watch this show. But the purpose. The purpose. Why I'm saying this is I encourage people to realize that it isn't about communicating with others. It's about communicating ourselves. You need to first change your internal language before you even work on the other. So number one is we need to accept you are good at this. You just haven't done it yet.

So good.

And a lot of people watching this. I can't do this. You can only do this. Stop it. As long as you make me to be able to do it. You empower me. You take everything away from you.

Wow.

So that's what we do. So we have. We have a whole process getting people better at this, but it takes a minute.

Okay. Can anybody learn from you? Can anyone take your classes?

I can make anybody better. Anyone can make anybody better.

And then tell us about Average Sucks.

Average sucks. This is. It goes right into this. Average sucks is the ability. Here's what. I wrote a book called Average Sucks, and here's the deal. The cool thing about the book in the shirt, you can't be a loser when you wear it right. Like, you. Like, I get stopped all the time. People say, like, oh, you know, average sucks. I'm like, do you know what it means? And like, oh, yeah. Be better than others. And that's why we have tens of thousands of these shirts out there. And it doesn't mean that. It actually means being better than your average. So you ever ask people, like, how's your day?

Yeah.

What do most people say?

It's good. Thanks. How's yours?

Good or bad? Am I correct? Yeah, those two things. Am I right?

Yep.

So what happens is when someone says either good or bad, what happens is they're not talking about their average. We have an average in our lives that controls everything we do. So you have an average style of communication. Communication, right. If your average got better, would you be more effective?

Of course.

So average sucks is really about that feeling we have inside, like we know we can be more. And that feeling you get, like when you want to push more but you don't know how, it's. How to overcome that and develop an automatic program for your life.

So good.

So it's really cool.

And thank you.

And thank you. And thank you. So get the book averagesucks.com or on. Or on Amazon.

Thank you so much, Michael. Awesome. Thank you.