Keeping True Identity in Relationships w. Dr. Christie Kedarian

The more that you are specific and you're actually not, for most people, the more success you're going to have in finding that ideal client and finding that person and finding that date.

Be fully who you are right up front. One statement I've heard a lot. You know, I thought she was one way or I thought he was one way, but he's actually not. Like, all of a sudden, she has needs. She had those needs all along, but she just never voiced them because she was afraid to.

How do you think that impacts your self, love and your of your own relationship with yourself? Welcome back to another episode of the yes and podcast. I am your host and the person who just knows that you don't have to have that life of either or you can absolutely have it all. And it is the yes and lifestyle. And I have brought you an incredible guest today that I have had the honor and pleasure of knowing for a few years now. And the episode that we're going to dive into is around your love life and around your relationship, which I know being the therapist and as well as my guest being the incredible therapist that she is, that this has a lot to do with us. However, I think in society we tend to look outside a lot and we're going to get into a ton of that, but we're also going to talk a little bit about how AI can either ruin or improve your dating life and all relationships. So without further ado, I'm gonna bring in Dr. Christy. Dr. Christy, welcome.

Thank you so much for having me, Bunny. I cannot wait to dive in.

Yes. So first and foremost, like, what is your definition at this point in life? You know, being a mom now, having this incredible company and have grown both a company as a therapist and then in the relationship world and being a guest on a million TV shows like all across the world at this point. What's your definition of a. Yes. And life? Like, what is your personal definition where you're like, you know, I don't have to choose either or.

I love that concept and I think for me it's really about there being harmony and being able to have peace and joy no matter what you're doing. So if that's just, you know, spending time with my son and being super present and content and not worrying about all the business things, or if it's showing up here and just knowing that, you know, in peace and knowing that he's being taken care of right now by his grandparents or, you know, whatever that is. But I think it's just showing up with peace and Joy in all of those things that I'm doing and not feeling like I need to be somewhere else, which I know we'll dive more into, but I think that is so prevalent with our world today and technology and there it just feels like there's so much going on outside of you. And for me, I love to live abundantly, live to the full, but that could very easily get into the fomo. You know, I feel like I'm missing out or I'm not doing enough or there's so many other things going on that I need to be doing. But if I can just be where my feet are and feel that abundance, I think that for me is that yes. And I love that.

I absolutely love that. And I know that we're going to get into the AI stuff in a little bit, but I thought where we would start is you can share as much as you want or desire you want to go into about your personal journey on this, but the relationship aspect of it. I've been with my husband for I think 16 years at this point and I am not gonna lie to you. I am so grateful that I did not have to use the online dating scene because it just feels like a whole exercise that from, from filling out a profile about myself kind of like starting and that may sound weird for a business owner who gives their and the speaker stuff that I do, but like it almost feels like selling myself, like trying to prove my, that I'm worthy to somebody else in the, in the online scene. And so if I'm your client right now in 2023 and I'm like, Christy, like I. No one's clicking on my profile, like no one wants me. Like, what, what's your feedback?

Yeah. And you, in some ways you are very lucky that you didn't experience that. But I think that in, you know, dating apps along with all types of technology are tools. So essentially it's a mirror in a lot of ways around the things that you value. Those are the things that you're going to put on your profile. And it might be a mirror of looking inwards and saying, do I really want to value these things about myself? So I know both of us are achievers, enneagram threes and we're leading with all the qualities, the things that we do performance based. And when it comes to dating, that can be a double edged sword because obviously you are an amazing person, you have inherent worth. But oftentimes what many people, and especially women the research shows, experience with online dating apps is this phenomenon called perceived Rejection. We believe that if we're not getting the matches, if we're not getting traction or popularity, that we're being rejected in some way. And that's really speaks to that inner child wound. It's very similar with social media. It's like, if we don't get the likes or the engagement or whatever, we kind of internalize it. We're like, oh, it's me. Like, I'm the problem. To quote, you know, Taylor Swift. It's that feeling of like, is it my fault? Am I the problem? Is it my profile? You know, are you internalizing that or are you externalizing that? And the research has found that for the women that are on dating apps, we internalize it. So if we don't get liked or we don't get matched with, we think, oh, it's me. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not pretty enough. I don't have enough things on my profile for someone to want me. And often actually what men do is they do the opposite. They say, oh, that must be a fake profile, or that girl's dumb or whatever. They don't make it about themselves if they're not getting matched with someone. So what we have to pay attention to is how we're viewing the tool and what messages we're using or interpreting from this tool where it's actually neutral. There's not really a inherent, yeah, you're bad or undesirable. I always say in dating, it only. There's only one person you're looking for. You know, if you're looking for a monogamous relationship, that you're only looking for one person. So essentially all the other people are either gonna opt out or you're gonna opt out. So it's not a popularity cont. We try to make it that when we're trying to get a lot of people to like us and we're using the tool for validation rather than using it to find our person, you know.

And I know this is how my brain works, so stick with me here. But it's kind of like finding a client. And it's really funny because, like, I don't feel like I've struggled in dating or with finding a client. However, you know, I noticed the psychology that's similar between both of them, because how many rejections do we get in business, business that we take so personally, when in reality it's like, just not optimal for us to spend any portion of our life in that relationship?

Yeah, it's. It's so true. And I think that we look for often when it's unresolved. So it's like from an early age, you felt that we're kind of looking again for people to kind of finish that story that we feel like is unwritten in our childhood of worthiness, of validation. So we look for it in dating, we look for it in business, like chances to prove ourselves and our worth. And when it comes out that feel making us feel the same way, that's when we start confirming that fear in ourselves that, oh, yeah, I am unworthy. Look my dating life look, my business look, whatever is confirming that fear rather than saying, you know what? I believe in my worthiness, apart from any external validation or invalidation. And it doesn't matter what you say about me or if you want to work with me or if you want to date me, I know that I'm worthy. And I know from that worthiness, I'm going to bring the right people, clients, you know, prospects, partner into my life.

And so whether it's our profile or whether it's our business, and we can answer from both ways or either way, this, there's a thought of, like, trying to be everything to everyone. And so, like, on a dating profile, that may look like, you know, putting that you like long walks on the beach and you also like ziplining. And there's probably people listening right now. They're like, bunny. I actually do like both of those things. And I do, too, you know, but, like, you know, like, for me, it's like I'm. I'm a dog person. I'm most definitely a dog person and a horse person. And if I felt like I didn't want to exclude anybody, then I might also put that I'm a cat person, which is not super true. And when I'm coaching clients in business, not that I'm a huge fan of, like, niching completely down, but the more specific you can be, I find the more soulmate clients that you end up with. And it's. It's literally all striking me right now in this conversation with you that, like, this is so much like dating in the aspect that the more that you are specific and you're actually not for most people, the more success you're going to have in finding that ideal client and finding that person and finding that date. You're watching this all unfold for me.

Yeah. The parallels are uncanny. And as you're describing that, I just think about how I always tell singles that I work with, be fully who you are right up front. Because what happens. And I work Mostly with women. So I'm talking more about women. But sometimes what happens with women is that because we have that desire to be loved, which is such a pure and beautiful desire for we start shape shifting into who we think will be loved because we don't believe we are going to be loved as we are. So in little ways we start being inauthentic. So he wants to go eat sushi, but you don't eat raw meat. So you're like, yeah, sure, I love sushi. And you lie because that's what he wants to do. Or he's really into this type of music and you've never heard about it in your life, but you're like, oh yeah, I love that music, or whatever. And these are little ways that we're not tolerating differences in relationships that later end up causing a lot of problems in your relationship. So we have to really understand how our differences aren't going to yield more scarcity. So we think, oh, if I stand up for this thing, then I'm not going to get the type of person I want or I'm going to be undesirable to that person. Rather, we have to say, my differences are going to help me attract and it builds the beautiful relationship that I want. And we can tolerate those differences so I can confidently communicate, you know, I'm not a big fan of sushi. Is it okay if we try maybe like one of these options instead? Or, you know, I'm kind of afraid of whatever zip lining, you know, is it okay if we do something else and being okay with that, those little differences then later on will protect you from that incompatibility. Because what happens sometimes is we constantly want to be agreeable. So we keep being agreeable until we can't take it anymore or we've completely lost ourselves and who we are. And then that causes passive aggressiveness in relationships, resentment, the relationship to end, all of those things. And one statement I've heard a lot in my work with couples is I thought she was one way, or I thought he was one way, but he's actually not like. Or all of a sudden she has needs. And it's like she had those needs all along, but she just never voiced them because she was afraid to. And then now that she's trying to take up space and be different, she's no longer the dream girl and she's no longer, you know, what you thought. So I'm constantly helping people just be who they are and feel confident and courageous to be different or have own those Differences. And that's going to lead you to the result you want way faster, with a way less heartache than the alternative.

Yeah. And what comes up for me is like, not that my husband has ever said, like, I'm not his dream girl anymore, but, like, I was coming off of another engagement right before I got engaged to my husband. Like, we got engaged so quickly, and I think it was because the frequency that our set points were at. We both had literally just broken off an engagement. We were planning on getting married within the next 12 months. And so he got the contract to China, and it was just like, okay, yeah, we were both ready to be married to other people, or not even ready. I can't even say that we were ready, but we were in that mindset. And I was so young at that time that it's like I was still coming off of transitioning to not be the fiance of somebody else and not be, like, in a relationship with this other person that I felt like I was almost in this void where I kind of was okay with most anything because I didn't really have a voice, I didn't really have desires or needs that I was super aware of because I was almost numb from being in pain over this. And then just kind of this whole new life happened so quickly. And so, like I said, I feel like over the past 16 years, we've had moments where he's like, well, when we were dating, which was very short, you know, you were fine with going to concerts or you were fine. And I feel like the more that I got to a safe space within me, this has nothing to do with my relationship, this with my husband. It has to do with my relationship with me. It's like I matured as a human being, but I also healed from previous relationship and found it safe enough to kind of take up space. And that was a really interesting conversation to have with my husband of being like, I didn't actually change. I just literally didn't feel like I knew who I was at that time. So that's been interesting because I'm clearly not the same person I was in my 20s.

Totally. And that's a really common dynamic we see when people get married young is you either grow together and you're able to kind of work through those differences and be closer and stronger, or you grow apart. And a lot of the people, because they age of getting married is so much later. That's kind of the angle I go from now, is like, you don't really have that time to grow together if you're getting married in your 30s, mid-30s, 40s, it's more like you are who you are and you need to own that because they are going to be who they're going to be. And then so there's kind of positives and negatives to both. It doesn't give you as many options as maybe if you got married in your 20s, where you're still forming and growing and you get to do that in parallel play almost. But it does help you be a lot more honed in on who's a compatible person now that you are more developed into who you are and know what your needs are.

Without the voice of another human being, like, in a consistent relationship, how do you think that impacts your self, love, like, and your development of your own relationship with yourself? Like, without that not I love my husband, but without that noise constantly.

Yeah, I think it's really challenging because we kind of create those stories really early on in our chat in our lives. And so it comes from our parents or caregivers early on and later on in adult attachment, it comes from our partner. So we really. I think in my own experience, I'll say that, like, you really have to tune into and spend a lot of quality time by yourself. And it's hard when you're in a relationship or obviously when you're a kid. You don't have as much potential or choice around that. But I think you do have to spend a lot of time with yourself and really understand in a more embodied way, like, what's a yes for me? What's a no for me? Like, where do I feel that in my body? Where am I processing that? So for me, it's been, you know, obviously as I become a therapist, it's been therapy. It's been kind of having that, like, safe space to process and also really be attuned to my body. And when I feel yes, I feel it in my body. When I feel a no, I feel it in my body and, and using that as a tool for me. But I think it's. It's hard because we're going to be influenced by people, by society, by messages, by all the things. Because we're human and we're by nature relational creatures. But I think the difference is being, being aware of is that really me or is that me and these influences? And so when you have that awareness, then you have the power. So you're not necessarily in a little bubble or, you know, far away from society and creating all your own ideas. But we are getting influenced every day either by people or, you know, other things. But when you're aware of it, that's when you can have power. Be like, yeah, that's not really me. It's more like this influence.

When you're working with your clients, I know that there's. Most of us think that we spend our time in our head, and maybe that's true for some. But as you alluded to, most of our actual wisdom or knowing is not in our head. It's in our body. It's at, like, a cellular and somatic level. So when you are talking and I'm popping out of this conversation for a second to realize that we both spent most of our adult lives in the psychological and therapeutic realm. And so, like, we're having this converse. We're having this conversation at, like, kind of like a graduate level. And so if somebody's listening to this and they're like, I have no idea what you mean by I find my yes and my no in my body. Like, what do you say to clients that are completely new to finding that in your body? Finding your answers in your body and not just in your logic, not just in your conscious mind.

Yeah. So what I believe is that all of our experiences. And now it's a very popular kind of phrase and book, you know, the Body Keeps Score. Back when I was in grad school, it was like the book we all had to read, but it was kind of dense to go through. And now it's, you know, bestseller at Barnes and Noble. But, you know, when we kind of go through our life, our body stores some of those experiences that either are too difficult to process or even sometimes we process them, but we're not even aware of it. But our body kind of remembers on a cellular level what we've gone through. And in my research, I also research something called intergenerational trauma. So it's even like in our DNA, there's things that have been passed down from generations that impact who we are. And it's called, you know, in the field of. Not to get too nerdy here, but the fields of epigenetics really has taught us that there are certain things, certain genes that we have DNA that get turned on or off in our environment. So we have our DNA, we're born, and then our experiences either kind of like, turn on certain genes in us or off certain genes in us. So let's say someone's prone to addiction, for example, that might have been more passed down from your grandparents, went through the depression, whatever it is. But then if you have an environment that has been very secure, very securely attached, that gene might not ever turn on for you. You might kind of have more of a, you might be a little bit more prone to that, but that might not ever turn on for you. So essentially when you feel something in your body, you're always feeling something in your body. It's whether you're aware of it or not. So it's because of some of these past memories or experiences we've had early on in our life where our body kind of remembers that feeling. So sometimes we feel like as a kid we were really nervous and our natural physiological response was like shortness of breath and the tightening of the chest. And now as an adult you might still have that, but you kind of have numbed it out, tuned it out, or you're just not really aware of that, but you notice, okay, like when I get nervous that affects like a part of my brain where then my breathing starts getting really quick. So what we want to do is really slow down some of the things. We're in such a fast paced society. But when you're really tuning into your body, there's different practices. Obviously you can do this through mindful walking, you know, kind of tuning out noise, yoga, meditation. Yeah, there's so many practices that people do in order to really tune into their body. But basically the concept is that once we tune into our body we can evaluate like what is coming from that, like safe space in us and what's coming from a more fear based response. Trauma, past trauma. So you're not allowing like your body to, and your brain to make decisions that aren't really in alignment with your true or best or highest self, however you want to call it. So if you're just beginning and you're kind of like, okay, I don't even know how to listen to myself or my body or my brain is so loud. Then I think having some of those practices where you just note, focus on noticing your thoughts, noticing what's going on in your body, you know, am I cold, am I hot? Very simple things. This is where you start really building that attunement. And then your body becomes like the tool and your partner almost for your brain to kind of notice like what is going on as an observer and not necessarily as like trying to control what's going on. You're just more like observing and that's how you're going to kind of make the best decisions for you in your life and how you're really going to heal and nurture yourself and build that self love that we're talking about too. So it's kind of a long winded answer, but starting really small is where you. Those effects.

That's so good. And it's honestly, for me, and I've shared this before, but, like, Savasana used to be my worst nightmare. And, you know, like, that 10 minutes at the end of yoga where you just have to, like, lay there and do nothing. I. Then I was like, all right, well, let's just use this time to create, like, my grocery list and like. But I actually, I started doing breath work, and that has been probably the biggest gift to my nervous system and to dropping into my body. So if you're listening to this and you're similar to me, you know, I would strongly recommend looking at some breath work. And I'm also laughing at the Body keeps the score. Because when Christy and I used to do zoom calls, I'd look at her bookshelf and see, like, 90% of my graduate books up there. And it's just such flashbacks.

So they do tell you never to throw them out, right? So you can fill your bookshelf.

I know, I know. But, yeah, I think I sold some and I rented some books. And I mean, some of those books are like $400. That's kind of ridiculous. But, yeah, I. So I.

This is.

We have a unique experience going to school, getting a degree for you, a doctoral degree, then deciding, no, I'm going to. I'm going to coach. I'm going to walk out of this office in this clinical setting, and I'm going to go do this thing that for the most part, I would say, like, 95% of therapists look at coaches and are like, you know, you're. You're wannabes that just hung a shingle and couldn't get into therapy school or, you know, grad school. So what is. What was your thought process behind it?

Yeah, it's such a great question. So. So this kind of goes so well with the theme of your podcast too, being. Yes. And so during COVID I, you know, after I got married, I had left my. I was working in matchmaking, which is already, like, kind of frowned upon from therapists. Like, why would you do something like that? And then I had a very small therapy practice. And then during COVID I had a few friends from matchmaking kind of go into the coaching world, and I was curious about it. I was like, you know what? What is that all about? And I remember going on, and we were in the similar program together with Alyssa. Nobrega, and she was a therapist turned coach that started her own certification program. And I remember going to her training and saying, you know, there's therapists and coaches here doing pretty much whatever they want. They're not limited by their license, they're not limited by what their supervisors or other people are saying they should be doing. How many clients you should see in order to be a good therapist. All of these like, shoulds and limits that I was living in because of, you know, the, the industry, the mental health industry. And I, it just, the lid got like blown open for me after that program and I realized, you know what, I can do whatever I want and help people however I want to help them, and I don't have to feel that limitation. And so I just felt really inspired then to create my, you know, my program now, which is a combination of my knowledge as a therapist and a matchmaker. And it was very strategy and, you know, positive psychology influenced, which I didn't have training in. And frankly, like I got. I was really burnt out from doing therapy the way that other people said I should do it and kind of getting stuck in negative emotions, negativity in the past. And I think that's all really valuable and I help clients process those things. But the coaching industry for me just really represented this like, hope and strategy which really aligns with who I am and the integration of those things. It's like, yeah, now that we have this awareness, we know our past, we know our traumas, whatever, like now what can we do to harness that resilience and that positivity and actually take the right actions to get the results that we want? And so it all just kind of came together when I was part of that program, got certified, and now just really grateful to be able to scale and do things that feel really alignment for me, create the life that I desire as well as that for my clients and not just be like one on one therapist that I knew I wasn't serving all those clients that I felt forced to see like 40 a week in the best way. And now I get to impact thousands of people in different capacities that feel great for me as more of like a teacher and like, you know, someone who loves sharing knowledge but doesn't really feel as inspired being like in those weeds of their childhood with people. So it was like an alignment thing for me as well as just all the possibilities that are available to us.

I love that. Thank you. Because that's like there's, I want to say there's not a whole lot of Us. But what I. What's more accurate is I don't have a lot of conversations with therapists turn coaches other than, you know, Alyssa and you at this point. And so, well, we did promise the audience we were going to talk AI, so I'm just going to leave the ball in your court. How do you think? Well, you may know firsthand, like how your clients are using AI in dating and in human connection. And so how do you think AI is going to impact human connection?

Yeah, so I personally feel again like I know the world is kind of freaking out about how this is going to change everything. I personally don't believe that it's going to. Obviously there will be negative aspects of it. Same like any type of technology and social media. But again, it's a tool that, that you as a human can use to help optimize is really the perspective that I take and help my clients to take. So some of the fun ways we've been integrating it is like helping to create answers to different prompts on dating profiles and helping to kind of think about connection. So we've done some of that on like ChatGPT, but I personally think that we have to really think about how it can optimize that connection for you instead of like take away from that. And I don't believe that, you know, their robots are going to take over the world because I. And you know, that nothing can really replace that human connection, especially when it comes to dating, you know, that chemistry piece. But aspects of AI have been in utilized in dating apps and you know, throughout the development of them, so the algorithm and whatnot. But I think that we, it is going to get a lot more easier to like, figure out if someone's. That authenticity is there as well. So I think that you just want to pay attention and use, use it mindfully as you would any other type of technology. But there's been some really positive things that I've seen too, as a creator as well as someone who's kind of helping people navigate online dating and the world of the Internet in general.

I'm like looking forward to the next six to see. We've had so many conversations about AI on this podcast just because it's so relevant right now in so many different areas. And so over the next six months, I think I'm going to re listen to these episodes and be like, okay, where are we now? And how would people answer these questions now? But yeah, it's so good to just hear like the. I think the consensus is an optimism about humans still remaining connected and creative. And that's. That makes my heart happy. As long as you know that ends up being the case. So any last thoughts that you want to leave individuals with to inspire on the thoughts of having that. Yes. And lifestyle specifically around self worth and their relationships with others and intimate relationships, etc, etc.

Yeah, I think I would just really recommend that if you do feel that either or especially in like your dating life, like I can only choose this quality or that quality or I feel like I have to kind of settle. I use that word a lot or I hear that word a lot in with my clients to really reframe and ask yourself, like, who's putting this expectation, this pressure, this belief on me and is that really aligned with who I am? And I believe, like at our core, we are abundant and made for that. And so if you ever feel like you're being made to feel small in relationships or made to feel small about, like what you desire in a relationship or in a future partner, that you really kind of process that and work through connecting with yourself, with your body, with your mind about what's. What's most important to you and what's going to help you expand further into who you're supposed to be. Which is what I really believe purpose of relationships are that they can be a mirror to show you kind of obviously sometimes your trouble spots, but also like your potential. And so just really kind of having inquiry around that can help you break out of so many limitations that have been placed on you from so many other people or influences and then tuning into like, who you really are at your core and what you really desire. And I'm a firm believer that if you have a dream in your heart, you have an ideal for your relationship and what you want from it, that that's your. That's yours to claim and to live into. And so that I think is like the most powerful message that I want to express. And so thankful for your podcast, for being a voice into that, because I think that's so important to. To pay attention to.

That was so good.

That's.

We're definitely pulling a sound clip from that because I just think that if not more inspirational than a Disney movie. So there you go. Thank you.

I will take that as a compliment.

Because I love Disney, you know, I love Disney as well. Well, I just wanted to thank you so much for making time, taking time away from Caleb, away from your baby, to be here and sharing your brilliance with the audience. I know that they appreciated it.

Thank you so much. Bunny thanks for having me. I just love you so much.

I received that. And for those of you listening to this love fest in all ways, wherever you took us while listening to the yes and podcast, if you were going for a walk through Disney or if you're sitting crafting out your next month's emails, whatever, and wherever you took us, I want you to know that Christy and I do appreciate it. We are going to make sure that in the show notes you can connect with her on Instagram. I'm going to tag her in a photo right after this, so you'll be able to find that on my profile on Instagram as well. And then all of Chrissy's information is in the show notes. And so we love it when you hit us up on Instagram. Send us a message, let us know what you thought of the episode, let us know what your takeaways were, any feedback that you have, any other guests and topics that you would like Christy and I to talk about or like me to cover on the yes and podcast. And until we see you guys again or have you listened to us again on the S and podcast, thank you for being here and we'll hear you. Listen to you in the next episode. We're gonna figure out a better way to end these episodes, but, you know, it's better than me reading a script, so love you all and I will be there for you in the next episode.