20 Tips From 20 Years Of Confidence (Part 3)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you if you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. And today we're finally getting back to the top 20 tips of confidence from 20 years of obsessively studying this stuff. This is part three of this series. If you haven't listened to the previous ones, you can just do a quick search@shrinkforthyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com and if you get any weirdness, I was. Someone was telling me recently they tried to go to the website shrinkforthshyguy.com and it did one of those things on their browser. It said, like, this page is not verified. Are you sure you want to go here? And they had to click, like, either view certificate or yes, visit the website. And they told me, I imagine that might, like, confuse or scare some people off, but it's a legitimate site, man. It's hosted with, like, namecheap and run on Kajabi. So, look, it's nothing crazy. Just go there and do a search for 20 years, probably the number 20 years, and you'll find the previous episodes. Looks like we aired one on the April 26, 2023, and the next one on May 24, 2023, and this one's coming out on June 21, 2023. So it looks like they're about one month apart. And, yeah, so I'm gonna do a really, really fast recap of the other ones. But if you really want to get into them, you're gonna want to listen to those episodes because this is the best stuff, man. These are the pearls of 20 years of doing this stuff. So, number one, confidence is a byproduct of action, not the other way around. You don't get confident, then take the action. You take the action and build confidence as a byproduct. Number two, get good at catching and labeling your limiting stories about what you can or can't do. Number three, Social confidence is a learnable skill. Number four, you will never feel not afraid before taking meaningful risks. Said another way, you will always feel afraid before taking a meaningful risk in your life. I see so many people who are hesitating, waiting and not taking the action. Number five, take it slow when we try to go fast. Like, I'm gonna get all this confidence this weekend. Okay? How sustainable is that? Number six, social anxiety doesn't go away on its own. It gets worse. We really want to face that so we can choose differently. We can take responsibility and start to change it. Number seven, social anxiety is egomania. It's a supreme obsessive focus on yourself in a negative way. And if you're, you know, I'm just running through these. If you hear this and you're like, whoa, what does that mean? How do I work with that? Go back and check out the previous episodes about this because I go in depth on each of these. Number eight, most people prioritize comfort and familiar over liberation. Number nine, pleasing and authenticity are mutually exclusive. You can't be pleasing and be authentic at the same time. It might happen that you, being authentically you happens to please someone. But if your primary goal is to please people and not upset them, you cannot also be authentic. All our fears are fears of feeling with the root feeling being pain. Number 10, that's a huge one. Learn that from Christian Michelson. Number 11, accumulate corrective experiences. Corrective experiences are when your mind says you're gonna do that and everyone's gonna hate you and you go do it and you realize actually it goes well. That's a corrective experience. You wanna accumulate those. Number 12 is live in your reality, not what they think, what he think. What does mom think? What does this person think? Like, what do you think? What's your reality? In my reality, it's okay to what? All right, that brings us up to speed. Or where we're gonna talk more about these tips. You ready? Number 13 is the success you want requires more. The success you want requires more. More what? I don't know. Maybe more action over time, maybe more risk, maybe being more uncomfortable. You know, I'll see this all the time. Like, oh, I wanna have better success in my dating life, or, oh, I wanna change something in my career. Or, oh, I'm sick and tired of feeling nervous, what they're gonna think of me. Okay. And then there's this, like, it's fine to want that. It's like someone wants to be stronger than they are. They want their body to look different than they do. They want to be able to run further. They want to be able to lift more. They want to be able to have more money. They want to have a better status, a better job, a better partner. I mean, they want these things. There's nothing wrong with wanting those things. But then there's this subtle entitlement to it, like, well, I should have it by now. It's not fair. And I don't know who they're saying that to, because I last thing I checked, I don't think there is a fairness mechanism in the universe that's in the mind of humans. This expectation and demand that is fair. And again, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you wanting things to be fair. That seems to be pretty baked into humans. I have two little boys, and they're two years apart. They're age 7 and 9 right now, and they are obsessed with everything being fair. He got this much, so I got that much. He got to do this turn this way, so I get to do my turn this way. And sometimes I'll go along with it, and sometimes I'll be like, guys, I don't view fairness at the highest level of priority that you do. So sometimes he's gonna get a little more, and sometimes he's gonna get a little more. Sometimes he's gonna go first, and sometimes he's gonna go first, and that's how I'm gonna do it, you know? And they don't seem to like that, but that's okay. That's just me letting them know that you can hold onto this for as long as you want, but not gonna. It's not gonna last. So we have this demand that it comes easier. But the truth is that if you're not getting the results that you want, probably something more is required. So I'll talk to people, and they'll say, oh, I've been working on this social anxiety thing. I'm not that free. It's like, okay, well, have you gone out and done friendly greetings? Yeah, I did that a few times. How about like a dozen times? How about 20 times? Oh, my gosh, That's a lot. Friendly greetings is when you just walk down a busy street and say hi to people. I don't know. I must have done that exercise, like, a hundred times or more at this point in my life. I kind of just do it now regularly, just for fun. Right? So there's what you think or what you want it to be, and there's what it takes. I just think about the Person who's like, I want the beach body. Okay, what are you doing? How much are you working? How many years have you put into this? Right, and the good news with social anxiety is it doesn't take decades or something. You can make radical progress in just a few months even, but it's going to take more. And there's no written contract. That should come easy. But if you claim it, you can create extraordinary changes rapidly. All right, that's number 13. Number 14. Learned this one from a brilliant man named Ben Clemenzie Allen. Fear is an invitation that can change everything if you see it that way. Cause we normally think fear means what, F everything and run. It's like, get out of here. It's fight or flight, and most of us choose. Well, flight when we're scared. So what if fear is an invitation? What if that's the beacon of the lighthouse? That's the pulse that's calling you, the homing signal, saying, go this way to become more of who you are, to go to your new home, whatever that is, a literal place, an emotional place, or that next version of you that you're called to be. Fear is going to be the signal. And this is a total reframe of how you might have thought about it. Because really, if you think about it, anything that has been really worthwhile in your life, when you've pursued it, there's probably a mixture of excitement and fear. Think about people before they go on that date with someone they're actually gonna marry or maybe even before their wedding. Think about it before you have that big opportunity at work. You're probably nervous, you're scared, and you're excited. Maybe you're all scared, but there's something that's pulling you towards it anyway, right? So instead of fear being this bad thing that we have to avoid, what if fear is the very thing that's calling you to the next step? When you get that, that can change everything. All right, number 15. Parts never go away. Parts never go away. What does that mean? Well, you can think of yourself as a collection of different parts. You have, you know, I'm a Z's, but I'm not just. I don't just show up the same everywhere, right? So I have parts of me that might have a part of me that gets scared. I have a part of me that gets sad about things. I have a part of me that likes this person, another part of me that wants to get away. I have a part of me that wants to take on the challenge, and a part of Me wants to be lazy, right? So we have these different parts of us, and that's just one way of conceptualizing that we're mixed, we're ambivalent, we're not just one thing. Right? And so everyone has certain parts that they like. I'm the one that shows up confidently and strong and funny and always knows what to say. Well, everyone generally likes that part, but we also have parts that we don't like. So the part that gets nervous, the part that's overly sensitive and self conscious, the part that's critical of others, the part that gets irritated or pouty or moody. And so we have parts we like and parts that we don't like. And one key thing to realize, though, is you can't get rid of a part. The parts never go away. And this is important because sometimes people think like, oh, I'm gonna get confident, which means I'm never gonna have that part that's really tender and anxious. And it's like, ooh, people are looking at me. Ah. But it actually doesn't work that way. And if you try to just strangle that part out, it will end up controlling you for your life. We need something else. So while parts don't go away, they can calm down, get nourished, become more integrated, more part of you, and basically chill out. So if you have a part that's like, oh, my gosh, people are looking at me. Oh, I can't do it. Oh, I'm gonna die. And if you just try to suppress that part, what you're gonna do is you're maybe, maybe be able to push through and then maybe not. Or maybe you'll have a panic attack before you go out there and you're like, okay, I'm never gonna try that again, right? Something backfires if we try to just suppress the part or kill the part. So instead, what you need to do is you need to get better and more skillful at turning towards the part, attending to the part that's scared, at asking it questions, at supporting it, ultimately at bringing compassion and love to these parts. And then they start to calm down. And if you're curious to go a lot further with this stuff, I do a lot of teaching around this. Parts work inside of on my own side, a book that I wrote maybe four, four years ago at this point, four or five years ago. It's called On My own side or Omos O M O S. And you could check that out. All right, that's number six. 15. Number 16. This is a. This is a Real boost. Pain is inevitable. Which one will you choose? Pain is inevitable. Which one will you choose? Now, while that might sound depressing, let's just like, name what is so. Right. I mean, what kind of pain? Well, you get physical. Pain is inevitable. At some point you're gonna have aches and pains in your body. You're gonna break something or something's gonna get stiff or, you know, pain, you're gonna get sick, right? That's painful, that's uncomfortable. Then there's emotional pain. You're gonna have someone be upset with you, you're gonna have someone leave you. You're gonna have something you're excited about that doesn't go through and get disappointed, right? This is part of life. So pain is inevitable. The question though is, which one do you want to choose? And there's two main kinds of pain. There is risk and potential failure in one side or the regret of life not fully lived. These are two types of pain I see a lot for people is the pain of like going for it but it not working out. I asked that person out, they said no. I tried and I failed. How embarrassing. Oh, pain, pain. Ah, okay. Well, that's one kind of pain you can get. The other kind of pain you can get is I'm going to avoid everything and minimize my risk, minimize my failures. And maybe in the short term you avoid some pain, but oof, long term you have the pain and regret. And that is, that one's heavy. And it can get to some point in your life depending on when, where you get certain age, certain things have passed, certain stages, certain opportunities are over. And there's always a chance for another breakthrough, another liberation. But man, when do you want to start to wake up to that? And so what I often do with clients is we actually on purpose, make contact with the life of regret and, and really go into that. Cause people kind of, you know, like a smoker, doesn't want to think about their lungs. I find that people that are living with a risk averse, really, honestly, not fully alive style of life in the cage of social anxiety and niceness, they don't want to face the regret. And that's one of the first things I do with people, is to really face it. Because then that becomes the fuel to push you, to propel you to say, you know what, compared to the risk of failure, that's nothing compared to this pain that I'd feel later on. I just, I. Instead of dealing with it later, I'm gonna face it now. Remember, I did this exercise with a woman at one of my events. And I guided people through a process, a hypnotic process where we took them through different stages of their life, and we ended with them at their funeral and imagining what people would be saying about them, both the way they'd lived up until that point and what they'd want people to say. And she had this profound moment. She was crying. And afterwards, I had people share and she shared. She said, I realized that I want people to know me, and that the way that I've been living much of my life is people don't really know me, even those close to me. And she was in agony about it. And I thought it was the best thing ever, because that pain, that pain of that regret, she gets to feel it now. And she has decades of new life to experience, decades of deep relationships. She's probably, like, I don't know, mid-30s. That's a long time to turn things around and have an extraordinary life. What if you realize that when you're in your 80s, you got some time left, but sooner's probably better on that one, huh? All right, that's number 16. Number 17. This tip is to outgrow trying to be a somebody, to outgrow trying to be a somebody. What do I mean by that? Well, we all have a hunger to be significant, to be special, to be a somebody. And what your definition of somebody is might be different than mine and kind of changes based upon the person, right? Like, I'm a. I'm a rich person. I'm a successful entrepreneur. I'm really good. I'm a C suite executive. I'm a director, I'm a supervisor. Or I've achieved this, I have a accomplish that. I've written that. I have, you know, this many academic papers under my belt. Or if you're like, no, forget that career stuff, I'm not into all that. But look at my body. I'm so fit, and I'm so this. And look at my muscles and look at my. You know, or look at my car or I know so much. I know more than anybody about whatever you want to know about, whether it's politics or science or any medicine, right? And you hunger to be a somebody. Whether people would tell you, like, whoa, look at you. You're such a somebody, or you just imagine like, mm, when I get to here, then I'll be a somebody. And we're hustling for it, and we're hungering for it. And the reason I say outgrow trying to be a somebody versus let go of being trying to be a somebody is because I think the best way to release yourself from that grip is to outgrow it. What do I mean by that? Well, yeah, go become a somebody, go earn the money, go prove the things, go get the feathers in your cap, go get the dating, the notches on your belt, all the validation, all the fame, all the glory. Get it or some version of it. And then what? Well, then you get a chance to outgrow it. You get to realize, you know, this isn't everything that I imagined it would be. There's a great quote from Les Brown. He said, we all know that money's not going to solve all our problems, but we all want to find that out for ourselves. Similar quote, pointing at a similar thing, I should say from Jim Carrey. And this one I'm just going to be a paraphrase, but he said something like, the thing I could wish for anyone is I wish people would earn 10, 20 million dollars in their lives and they would see that it doesn't give them what they really want, right? So there's something here that on the other side of it, you can let it go. Whereas if you're like, well, I guess I'll just let go of trying to be a somebody, let's say, let's make it very specific. You know, you want to be a somebody in love, you want people to think you're attractive, you want to be desired, you want to have dating experiences where you're the selector, not just like, please can I have some attention? Right. So, yeah, it's going to be a lot easier to let that go when you've done it versus I'm just going to let all that go. I don't need any of that. I don't want it. Is that really true or you've just resigned yourself? Have you told yourself that? Because you think you can ever have it? Right? So why not build your confidence, build your capacity, go out there, see what you can do, sink your teeth into it, prove yourself in the world, and then at some point say, you know what? Is this all there is? Is this. Because I could just keep playing this game, but what's the point? And that little bit of confused, pointless, aimless, what's the purpose of this all is a great place to get to? Because then you get to realize, hey, the point isn't to be a somebody. Well, what's the point? I don't know. You get to discover it then for real, then you're more on the right track. Carl Jung said, we spent the first 40 years of our half of our lives, whatever that is. You know, trying to be a somebody, proving ourselves in the world. And then the second half of life is about letting that somebody go and discovering a spiritual connection, whether it's with some higher force, whether it's coming through you to impact the world, humanity, your community, your family. You realize that it's beyond just you. And this isn't some, you know, you're some altruistic, enlightened being and you have no needs or desires. No, you still want to grow. Maybe you still want things for yourself. You still want luxuries, you still want to prove things, see what you can do. I think that's all great, but that gripping, like, I'm a nobody and I gotta be a somebody, and that suffering and that perfectionism and that proving that creates so much pain, you can outgrow that. And what does that mean? Well, I'm already a somebody. Also, it didn't really matter because you realize that the. I mean, the somebodyness doesn't get you much anything. You get a little hit of it, maybe someone's impressed, but you find out most people don't actually care that much. And no matter how much of a somebody you are, after a pretty short period of time, you're gonna be a nobody anyway, right? You know, you're successful as a business entrepreneur. Maybe you get the oohs and ahs of your friends. Okay, then what? You know, the only people are gonna remember you is maybe two generations. Maybe your kids and maybe your grandkids. If you have grandkids, that's it then. Do you know your great, great, great, great grandpa? Probably not. You know, there's a photo in some family tree. You're like, that was him. Yep. I don't know. Some guy, right? And even if you're ultra, ultra, ultra famous, you know, you. What? Who do you know? Carnegie. Carnegie, Steele, Rockefeller. Do these names even mean anything to you? Napoleon Bonaparte? Come on, man, who cares? Do you even think. What does that even mean? You know, some factoids about the guy, maybe, right? It's me. It doesn't matter. There's a beautiful quote about this, and I'll make sure I want to see. I can pull this up real quick. Poem. Here we go. Oh, I don't know if I can pull it up real fast. There's a poem Here lies poem in the desert. Great. This is. This is. Ha. Google is amazing here. Here was my search in Google, because I want to pull up real fast during this episode was here lies poem in the desert. Great. And it found it for me. First hit, Ozymandias. And here's the poem. This is a great one to end with. I met a traveler from an antique land who said, two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand half sunk, a shattered visage lies. That's like a statue. Like a face of a statue whose frown and wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command tell that its sculptor well those passions read which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things the hand that mocked them and the heart that fed. And on the pedestal these words appear. So if you're following this, there's statue remains of a statue deep out in an antique land, in the desert, in the sands, no one around for miles. And underneath this broken down statue of this mighty king who has like a cold expression of command, who feeds all the people and derides the people he doesn't like the most powerful human at the time. On this little pedestal underneath him these words appear. My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works, ye mighty. In despair, nothing beside remains. Around the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare, the lone and level sands stretch far away. There's nothing. Ozymandias, King of kings. Look at all I've created and despair the ultimate statement of I'm a somebody who cares. It's nothing. It's desert now. So this can feel a little disheartening at first. Like, wait, I'm not going to win the game and be a somebody and be great. Beautiful news is, you don't have to be to get the love that you want, to get the success that you want to have that most beautiful rich life you can imagine. You don't got to be a somebody, just got to be you, whoever you are right now. And you just got to show up with an open heart, with courage, following these tips that we've been talking about. And your life can be beautiful and extraordinary, and that's what I want for you. So please add this to your list. This is the action step I've had at the end of each of these episodes. Time for action. Action, action. So dig your list up of your top 20 tips, because the most powerful thing you can do is literally read these to yourself on a regular basis. Next time you're gonna flick open your phone and do something pointless on Instagram, instead, read through a couple of these. Just read one of them. Think about it. Like, think about the 1 number 7. Social anxiety is egomania. Wow. If you really got that, what would that do for your thinking? What we talked about today. Fear is an invitation. It could change everything. The way you approach something that you're afraid of. I'm like, oh, I'm afraid I don't want to do it. Okay, what if it's an invitation? Do I accept the invitation? Hmm. Right? Life changing, every single one of these. So thanks for being with me. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to to shrinkfortheshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.