Are You An Introvert? Or Just Anxious?

Are you an introvert or are you just anxious? Now, I'm not saying that introversion is not real. There is a truth to recharging alone, having a certain type of downtime and spaciousness that feels good after a lot of social interaction. And I personally would identify as an introvert. And there are at least a dozen things that I used to struggle with that I blamed on being an introvert. And I see people do this all the time and it has nothing to do with introversion. It's actually anxiety wearing the costume of introversion. And as soon as you label it as, well, I'm just an introvert, so I can't do that, or that's why this is hard for me, it makes it impossible to change. Because being an introvert is just kind of hardwired in there, isn't it? And the most fantastic news is you can still be an introvert, but you can be radically more free. Free to connect with people, free to socialize, free to interact in groups. Again, a dozen things that I used to think I couldn't do because I was an introvert were totally false. They were just about anxiety. And I'm willing to bet that there are at least half a dozen or more things that you attribute right now to introversion that have nothing to do with that, that are actually specific patterns that you're running that make certain kinds of interactions draining, that make you need a lot more recovery time, that make you feel like you don't like being around people or don't like being in groups or don't like being the center of attention or on and on. And I'm going to share what those patterns are and you could see for yourself if you're running 1, 2, 5, or 10 of these. And when you see that, Man, that opens up a lot in your life. Because what if you could easily connect with others or join into a group or go to a social gathering or be the center of attention or lead something or go to a professional conference? Whatever the limitations that you put on yourself, what if you didn't have those and you could end the day feeling alive, energized, free to be yourself? And there's a big clue in the last thing I just said there about how to really open up everything when it comes to social interaction and being with people. Even if you feel like you're an introvert. So let me first just explain that there is a reality of introversion, extroversion. And this has been around for a really long time. There's all kinds of personality assessments and the Myers-Briggs and all these things that are measuring that. And yes, if you're more introverted, then it's nice to have some time to recharge alone, maybe outside, maybe in a quiet environment. You don't have to be interacting with others. You can kind of just be in your own space. And that space helps you feel more recharged. And some people have more need for that than others. And some people feel really energized just going from person to person to person in a social situation, and they're buzzing off of that. And that's more of the extrovert type. You know if you're a bit more introverted like me, because I can go a big chunk of a day without interacting with somebody and feel just fine. If you're more extroverted, you go a whole day or 2 and you haven't seen or interacted with that many people and you're kind of, Not feeling as great. You get charged up by those interactions. An introvert's like, no people today? Great. I'm with the best person to hang out with, myself. So that doesn't have to limit you in your life though. Let me give you a few examples from my own experience that I can talk about some clients and you can see what's going on in your world. In my own experience, I would go interact with a group of people, a social setting. There's a party or a barbecue or a professional mixer thing, and I'd feel dread going into it. During it would be effortful, and then I'd kind of want to get out of there sooner rather than later. And then when I get home, I would just be exhausted afterwards. Does that sound familiar? And I thought, well, that's just how it is. I'm an introvert. Or is it? Well, it turns out that the same body, the same nervous system, me, could go into an environment like that after I learned a few things and feel easeful, relaxed, looking forward to it, have a great time, and leave completely energized. So wait a minute. If I was an introvert, why would I be able to have a completely different experience? Ah, because it depends less on whether you're an introvert or extrovert and much, much more on the pattern you're running when you're in that environment. Let me explain. When I was feeling that dread and struggling to get through environment, there were a handful of patterns that I was running that, to put it frankly, make it suck. Here's just one of them. I would be running a self-monitoring pattern where if I was talking to you, I'd be monitoring myself to see how I was standing. How I was coming across. How do I look right now as we're talking? And then maybe I'd try to improve that or try to make sure that it was impressive or at the very least not weird or awkward. That's one pattern. That's called a self-monitoring pattern. Are you familiar with that one? Maybe you don't have it with everybody. Maybe you have it when you're talking to someone you think is hot or successful or you want something from them. Oh, this person's a bigwig in the company. I gotta make a good impression. And then all of a sudden you're self-monitoring. Goes through the roof. That's one pattern. I also ran a people-pleasing pattern, which is, well, what do you want to talk about? What do you want to focus on? Let's make the conversation entirely about you and your interests, and I'm going to try to read into that and follow the thread that I think you most want to follow. Because if we talk about what you want to talk about, then I'm being nice, I'm being friendly, I'm being accommodating, and you're going to like me, but you're probably also not going to be upset with me or dislike me. And so I was running a people-pleasing pattern that's kind Like a conversation performance that you're supposed to do to make people like you to be nice. You could also run a very different type of performance in conversation, which is the being on. I call this the performer, fittingly enough. It's one of the 4 approval types that people have. If you want to find out what yours is, go to www.draziz.com. D-R-A-Z-I-Z.com. You can take a 2-minute quiz. It'll tell you your approval type. Maybe it's the performer and exactly how that's showing up and how to shift that. We have a full in-depth training if you want to follow through and see more about that for free. To really change these patterns. You can discover what it is in 2 minutes and then learn how to change it. But the performer feels like I got to be on. And so it's not the nice people-pleasing pattern where I'm just looking to you. I might be sharing things about myself or telling stories, but I am efforting. I am tracking to make sure that I'm doing it right, that I don't look foolish or weak. I'm polished. There's poise. There's some level of monitoring that I'm coming across really well. That's another pattern that you might run. You also might run just the classic, which is the avoid disapproval pattern, making sure that no one's upset with you. Is this person liking me? How did that— is this going well? Do they like me? Is that person— I don't know if that person liked me. There's a dozen other ones I could tell you. Self-silencing, just not sharing much about yourself. Yeah, people aren't going to want to hear this story. And even if people ask you, hey, so what's going on in your world? Eh, nothing much. Eh, you know, work, this and that. And we telegraph a bunch of signals that says, don't really ask me questions, which also sends a signal that I'm not very open. I don't really want to share with you. And so then people stop asking. I could go on. And look, all of these are not necessarily just drawn from clients. They're all first from my own. I've run all of them. And so is it any wonder at the end of that 30 minutes, 60 minutes, 2 hours, however long it is, that I am freaking exhausted? Because just one of those patterns will drain your energy. What about running 5 of them? What about running 10 of them? In fact, I don't need to tell you every single pattern. You could observe in your own experience. Is there any pattern that you're running? In fact, I did this recently with a client. He says, I'm drained after things. I said, okay. He had a bunch of social engagements coming up that weekend. I said, I want you to observe over this next couple of days when you're going there. Because he told himself for years, well, I'm an introvert. That's how it is. I said, maybe, maybe. We'll see how much of there is actual introversion. So as you go to these social events and other things over these next couple days, just observe what patterns am I running that might be draining me? And I have a similar invitation for you because you might find that it's— there's different ones that I mentioned and There's as many patterns as there's people when it comes to this, all the ways that we can drain our own energy and feel responsible for other people's feelings and caretaking others. I could go on and on, but when you run just one of those, let alone 5 or 10, you're gonna be drained. This is the reason why we feel drained after interactions and we attribute to introversion, but it's not. It has nothing to do with introversion and everything to do with anxiety because every single one of those patterns is a pattern that we run When we're anxious, when we're uncertain, we're trying to make sure that we're going to be okay, that we're going to be liked, that we're going to be approved of. And remember I said that I could go to those interactions, that event, that group, and feel energized afterwards? Well, it turns out there's a different pattern that you're running when you do that. And for that, I have a different example, which is for many years I run a mastermind program. And for that, I actually have a different example from my own life. So for 10 years now, I've run a mastermind program. It's a group program. I lead a lot of group calls. I've also led in-person events for many years, virtual events for many years. And I used to feel drained after every single one of those. In fact, back when I was working as a clinical psychologist, as a therapist, I would be extremely drained after just several hours of therapy sessions with clients. And I attribute that to being an introvert. Oh, this is draining work. Oh, it's a lot of attention. And then I started working with groups in the mastermind program. And I was like, well, it's a big group of people. And that's just tiring. Oh, I led a 2-hour call running a group. I gotta recharge for 3 hours on my own. Whoa, I'm so drained. And I just thought, that's how it is, that's how I am. But it wasn't. And similarly, there's a different pattern that I was running that was draining me. And I'm gonna share what that was and then what I shifted and how this applies not only to me running groups, but you speaking up in larger groups, leading things, running things, being around people all day long, or socially sharing, being in group settings like I was describing earlier. But the pattern that I was running was this overly accommodating, nice, soft, pleasing, passive therapist guy. I probably picked it up in the very first month of my training where we learned Rogerian therapy, and I had some supervisors afterwards that kind of hammered that into me where the whole point was just to listen. Just be a wall, be a brick wall, be a sponge. So they say some stuff and you're like, hmm, tell me more. Oh, why'd you say that? Hmm. Now, now, that might be some therapist style that might work great for them. It doesn't work great for me. In fact, in my life, when I've gone to go see a therapist as me being the client, I hated that kind of therapy. I'm like, dude, I want you to talk to me like a human, and then if you have perspectives or thoughts or ideas, I want you to share them with me. That's part of what I'm paying you for. If I just want to speak into the void, I can do that in a journal. I don't need you to do that with me. I want your expertise. I want your input. I want incisive questions. I want you to show me things about myself that I don't see yet. I want you to challenge me. I want you to teach me things. And that's why I moved toward the world of coaching, and that's how I work now with people. I can deeply listen to you. I could be with a client or in a group situation and track someone as they share something for 5, 10, 15 minutes, but then boom, I'm asking key questions along the way, or maybe I'm sharing a key insight and saying, okay, how does that land? And then we work with that back and forth. I might teach them a segment of something, and that allows me to be fully energized as I do it. So now when I finish leading a 2-hour call, sometimes we'll go 2 and a half hours, I am leaving that fully energized. I can lead a 10, 12-hour workshop day and leave that fully energized. In fact, I'm like, oh man, Did we record that thing? I wanna make a video about that. Oh, I gotta record. Oh, that was a really good thing we did with that person. Let's remember how we can do that and bring that into our process for next time. You could probably even hear me. I just doubled my rate of talking. I get all frothy. I'm excited. So what's going on there? What I'm doing there and what you can do in your life, and this is the key, you can be an introvert and love being around people as long as you're fully self-expressed. That's the secret. All those patterns that I shared earlier are about self-suppression, inhibition. And so if you're trying to be who you're supposed to be, whether the performer or being quiet or pleasing people, it will drain you around others. It will hemorrhage your capacity to be around other people. It will really make it hard to create new connections, social connections, friendships, work opportunities. So if you want to love being around people, if you want to be really effective, you want to be a people person, you want to be a leader, you don't have to become some sort of extrovert person. You have to become an authentic version of you. That means you have to say what you really think, be who you really are, express yourself, share about your day when someone asks you. Be able to ask the question that you want. Interrupt somebody if they're going on and you're like, wait, let me ask you a question about that. Make it more interesting and engaging for yourself. And when you give yourself permission to do this and you practice this, you will find your authentic level of being around people. So yes, as an introvert, I still like some downtime. I love to be able to go for a run by myself in the woods and just refresh. But I don't need hours and hours and hours of that. I could interact with people for 3, 4, 5 hours straight, then go for an hour run, and then be recharged and ready. So do you see how you can find your balance? Maybe you need a couple more hours in there, but you can love and feel energized by the interaction side of your life. In fact, I believe that's how it's supposed to be. That's how it is when you are fully free and alive. And don't just take my word for it. I want to invite you to reflect in your own life. Is there someone in your life where when you're around them, Hours goes by and you feel more energized than before. A friend, a family member, a child, a spouse, a lover, a new lover, right? What's going on there? Well, when you dig with those people and ask that question, they always say, I just felt so free. I just felt so alive. Well, tell me more. Well, I could just say anything. I could just be myself. I wasn't even worried at all. I was like a kid. I was playful. I was expressive. It was sensual. It was alive. Oh, so you were fully free to be you and express you. Yeah, well, what would it be like if you brought that version of you everywhere you went?