Why You Can't Stop Replaying That Conversation

So you had a conversation maybe a few hours ago, days ago, weeks ago, and you're still running it back. What they said, what you should have said. Why did I say this? Why did I not say that? And part of you wants to just be able to put it down, right? It just keeps on repeat whether you want it to be there or not. And even though it's been hours or weeks, you're still in it. And I'm gonna share now exactly why that keeps happening and how to put it down. Because most people really get stuck on this and they never, they just try to let time make them forget, but it doesn't often work. So first we got to discover, why do I keep replaying this? Why is this almost happening? Why does my brain want to keep replaying this? And most often it's a signal that there was something unfinished. There was something unsaid that you needed to say or communicate. Now people hear that and they're like, I know, I know, I've replayed 1,000 times in my head and what I should have said and why didn't I say that? Then they get mad at themselves for not having said it. And so I'm not here to tell you, here's what you should have said. No, what I'm saying is it's a message for you. And in order to really put it down, we have to get that message. And the message is not a perfect zinger, by the way. It's— that's often what we think, right? And if you're a fan of the old show Seinfeld, George in the jerk store, right? He wants to have this perfect comeback. That's not really what it's about. What's— we got to go deeper than that. That there was something unsaid. There was something that I needed to communicate, and it might have been perfectly said, but it could have been messily said. It's still on. I just needed to say it. So that is what's happening, because there's some way that you didn't stand up for yourself, didn't ask what you needed to ask, didn't communicate what you really wanted to communicate, and that's why this is unfinished. What was it? Maybe you already know. Maybe it's like, well, I would've said no to— why did I say yes? I should've said no. Okay. But maybe you don't know, and that's okay too. You want to take a few minutes to really find out. So when it's coming back and you're replaying the conversation, I should've— I'm so angry about this. Ask yourself a few key questions. First of all, what's happening here? Am I angry, irritated, angry, resentful, frustrated, something in that camp? Am I hurt? That's another one that people often don't realize is they're actually hurt by something that was said. Am I in some way Feeling pressure or something is— I don't like something that's happening. Maybe something they did that felt inappropriate or demanding or something like that. So what is it? And the simplest thing to ask is, you know, what am I feeling about it? And also, what do I like? What did I like or what did I dislike about it? What was I wanting instead? And here's a way to open up. You say, well, if I had a total fantasy of how they would have approached me or what they would have said, what would it have been? What would I have preferred? Because this is giving you information. About the key insight that you need, the key to put this thing down. What did I really want? Not because you can go back and fix it. That's impossible. But maybe, maybe if the conversation— you can have a second, you can have a follow-up conversation. But often this is a learning for either that follow-up conversation or 1,000, 10,000 future moments that you can use this. And so one of the most profound shifts here is thank you. Thank you, person who annoyed the hell out of me there, because now you're going to give me— if I work with this, you're going to give me the key that's going to set me up to be in a better place the next 1,000 conversations in my life. And when you come from it with that way, you'll get a whole new level of insight and discovery about how to take care of yourself in a better way in the future. So let's say you identified, you know what, I was hurt by the way they said that, but then I felt like I can't say that I'm hurt because that sounds like I'm a weenie. Or I, you know, I— they were pressuring me and I said no, and then they kept coming back. I would have liked to have told them to, hey, stop, back off, have a firmer boundary. Whatever you discover, Then this is where people turn on themselves. They'll say, why didn't you say that? Well, it's— you're weak for not having that boundary. You are a weenie for feeling upset or hurt, or you're too sensitive. I used to use that one on myself all the time, and it would shut the whole thing down. So I'd reflect after, be like, I didn't like the way they say that, that bothered me. And then instantly, right? So I did the first part, I discovered it, I had the key. And what did I do? I threw the key in the dirt and stepped on it. By saying, "You're too sensitive." It was just one single sentence. What is that? Three words, and it shut the whole thing down instantly. I was bad for feeling the way that I did. I was weak. I I had no permission or right to communicate anything, and even if I did, if they said, "Oh, what? You should have. You can't take a joke." I'd be instantly on the defensive and apologetic. Like, "Oh, you're right. I know I'm too sensitive." Right? So I had no permission, no authority to take care of myself. So you might be doing that too. You might be undermining yourself. And preventing yourself from actually giving yourself what you really need, taking care of yourself for the next 1,000 conversations. So don't do that. Just really listen. Listen like you're with a friend that you care about, with a, a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a partner or a spouse that you love and you want to help them. Like, listen to yourself in that way. That's part of being on your own side, which is a key to living with authenticity and confidence, which I teach about. If you haven't read my— I have a whole book about it. It's called On My Own Side. And you haven't listened to that or checked that out, you can. You can find it on Amazon or Audible. But this, this is an essential skill to be able to be with yourself in this way, because then, then you can do something. This is how you actually put the conversation down, is you listen to that message, and before you go run and say something to that person or prepare for the next conversation, it's a conversation between you and you. And you turn towards yourself and you listen, and it says like, oh, I was hurt by that, and I wish they didn't say that, and I didn't like that. And you say, yeah, Yeah, that was kind of a rude thing to say. I don't like that either. Right? You're receiving the message. You're not making it wrong or bad or not true. It's like, yeah, I didn't like that either. Next time we can say something about that. Next time I can do something about that. Next time I will do something about that. Because that's another reason we don't— it's hard to put it down is because some part is trying to just get us to receive the message that we didn't like something that happened or wanted something different. We hear that, but then that part's scared or doesn't believe That next time you're gonna do something different. It says, yeah, great, but you're not gonna have a firm boundary next time. People walk all over you. And so it keeps replaying again and again and hopes that it makes you feel bad enough that maybe next time you'll have the boundary. But it doesn't work that way. 'Cause the boundary doesn't come from you feeling awful and weak and criticizing and bad about yourself and replaying the conversation 10,000 times. It comes from seeing what really was needed and making a clear commitment and decision inside, say, you know what? We are gonna do more than that. I can do more than that. And it comes not from self-attack, But from self-compassion, from self-love, from being on your own side and saying, I want to take better care of myself. That's why I'm going to have a boundary. And that's a whole bigger topic we can get into, but that's what a boundary is. Because when you say no to somebody else, you're actually saying yes to yourself in that situation. And so you just, you get clear on, yeah, this is in the future. This is what I want to do. The next time someone pushes on me several times, instead of collapsing and saying yes, or just getting really quiet and being accommodating, or maybe being timid and saying, oh, I'm sorry. Maybe, maybe you got apologetic. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, but I have to say no. What would I want to do? You know what I want to do? I'd want to say, hey, listen, I know you're passionate about this, but I've said no 3 times and this is starting to feel like pressure and I don't like that. Maybe you'd want to say that. And you find that voice. And so here's what you got to do to really put this down. Say it now. It might not be able to be with that person. Maybe you can, you can come back to a conversation, say, hey, I was reflecting on our conversation yesterday and there's something that I, I didn't say that I think has been bothering me. And you can do that in relationships that are ongoing, but maybe the situation is over and you can't, or it's been 3 years. And you've been holding onto it and you don't wanna go back to all that, you say it out loud now to yourself in a room. I know you might seem like a crazy person, but there's whole fields of therapy built on this, like Gestalt therapy. They have people talking to empty chairs. They call it unfinished business. We're all crazy. Just get used to it and practice this stuff. 'Cause in my motto, it's whatever it takes and whatever works. And so this stuff works. That's why people do it. And that's what I would recommend. So you say the thing out loud. And if you wanna imagine that the person's there in an empty chair or in the room with you, even better. You're going to say it to them with the full clarity and power and strength or whatever was needed in that moment that you didn't access. Now you will. And then you communicate to yourself, this is what we're going to do in the future. This is what— I got it. I got the message. And in the future, I'm going to speak up or I'm going to say no, or I'm going to tell that person, hey, I didn't like that. I know you were just joking, but that didn't land well. Whatever it is, you're going to communicate that. And when you, when you really get the message, you hear that part of you, you say what needs to be said, even if it's just to yourself. And then you make that commitment, that promise that in the future, I'm going to take care of you and we're going to say things. These conversations evaporate. And you want to know the best way to make sure that you don't replay the conversation is the next time, actually follow through, actually say the thing and you'll sleep like a baby. You'll say the thing and you'll want— you'll put— you'll be done with it. You'll walk away and you'll be like, yeah, I said what I needed to say. There might be a little interim stage, by the way, when I work with people where they feel very guilty. For having said what they needed to say. Once you work through that and you have more permission to just be you, then you sleep like a baby. So there's a little bit of work in there, absolutely possible. And that is how you build the biggest level of self-trust. And then you're no longer anxious because if someone says something that bothers you, you can speak up, you can defend yourself, you can communicate how you really want to. And if this sounds appealing to you and you're like, yes, I want to be able to do that, but honestly, Aziz, I don't know if I fully trust that I will. Do that, then that might be a sign that some training is needed, right? Just like someone who's like, yeah, I'm gonna get in shape, I totally am, yes, no more cookies, yes, but then they haven't really followed through with that and it's been 5 years, then maybe more training, more support is needed. And I've seen that in my own life. I would not be where I am if I had not had support and training and growth environments. And so if you're drawn to that, you're interested in that, I do work with people. I do have an ongoing mastermind program where people are training this week in, week out for extraordinary results. And if you want to find out more about that, you can go to my site at draziz.com, D-R-A-Z-I-Z dot com, and just click on the Work With Me tab. You can find out all about the work that I do with people. You can apply for us to have a conversation about the mastermind, see if it's a good fit. But just know that you don't have to do this alone, and that part of the putting this down is a form of training. So whether it's with me or not, we have to really follow through on that commitment, not just an empty promise. And so that's the invitation I have for you, is to make that commitment to be on your own side, to take care of yourself, to know that in the next conversation, get into, you'll be able to say what needed to be said so you can put it down forever.