What 20 Years Of Social Anxiety Actually Felt Like

Today, I want to share what living in social anxiety and the fear of what other people think of you actually feels like. And I'm not going to share this from the clients that I've worked with over the years and their experiences. I'm going to share from my own experience. I'm also going to share some of my biggest regrets during that period of my life. The things that really kept me stuck, stuck in that cage of social anxiety, of self-doubt, of self-criticism, why I stayed stuck in it for so long. What my life was actually like and what really set me free. I'm really excited to share this with you because a lot of people will hear me share that in a book. There'll be a story here or there. I'll talk about, oh, I struggled with this for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years. And people are like, oh, neat, neat. Okay. But then they're seeing the version of me now who's talking to you, who's sharing freely, who writes books, who puts himself out there. And they think, yeah, okay, maybe he probably didn't have anything like I do. He probably was not that self-conscious because why would he be doing these things? But my hope here is that when you hear my story, you'll realize that no, it was actually severely limiting and that there is a profound possibility here of hope and of liberation, no matter how long you've struggled with social anxiety and its cousin niceness and people pleasing and performing and imposter syndrome and perfectionism and self-criticism and self-doubt. Those are all branches of the same tree. They're all part of the approval trap where my sense of self-worth is based upon how you perceive me. And I lived in that trap for many years. So if you're stuck in that in some way, shape, or form, hopefully this episode will help you really set yourself free and really get a sense of hope and possibility and excitement and enthusiasm that you can do that. Because that's one of the worst parts about the cage is that we think this is just how it is and just who I am. So it began for me at the age of 11. I moved to a new school. It was a middle school. We changed cities and I was in a smaller school before that. And when we got to this other school, I was instantly self-conscious. That was like the very first experience I had of social anxiety. I didn't know that's what it was called. I didn't use that term honestly for myself for the entire time I struggled with it. I lived in that cage for many years and had no term for it. All I knew is that I got to school my very first day at this new school, and we had to wear uniforms at this school, by the way, and every boy in my class was wearing shorts and And it was kind of cold out. So I wore pants. You could wear these like corduroy pants or these shorts. And I wore pants and everyone else wore shorts and someone made fun of me for it. And so the next day I wore shorts and then I noticed that everybody, all the guys were wearing shorts, but then they had these little tiny socks that just went barely above their shoes. And I had like, I don't know, socks that went halfway up my leg, like past my calf or something. And someone made fun of me for it. And I remember after the second day of school, it's a Tuesday, and I remember my mom picks me up and I'm like, Mom, She's like, what? We have to get new socks. She's like, okay, what? And then it got worse. It was that same first week. All the kids in my class, all of the guys and some of the girls during recess would go to these like jungle gym and they wouldn't climb on them because everyone's now in 7th grade. So we're all grown up, right? We're 11 and 12-year-olds now, but they would jump up and pull the bar, hold the the bars and like pull themselves up and kind of hang out on top and talk. And I couldn't pull myself up on top of the bars. So I had to like stand down below. And these look, these sound minor maybe, right? You might even roll your eyes at some of this stuff. And I still remember to this moment, I felt like I wanted to cry and hide and die all at the same time because there was a growing sense inside of me of I don't fit in. I don't belong. I won't be accepted or liked here. And I didn't know this at the time, but that's the seed of social anxiety, of insecurity, of self-doubt, of all people-pleasing and niceness behaviors as well, is I'm not okay and I need to desperately make sure that I do something, be something, perform something, act something to be accepted and fit in. And those were the little minor early rumblings of it, but it continued. And what began in those early weeks and continued throughout that whole year, all my middle school years, and into beyond that decade after that, was a pattern of chronic comparison. I'm constantly looking to other people, not just about the socks or the getting up on the jungle gym, but everything. How do I sound? How do I look? How desirable am I? I remember one of those early middle school dances, you know, awkward middle school dance you could imagine. But actually, there's a profound story. I've told this elsewhere, but the very first one I went to, I was having the time of my life. I was wearing a Beavis and Butt-Head t-shirt, which was probably not cool even then, but I thought I was cool, and that's all that matters. I get to this dance, they got little smoke machine and the DJ set up there and a bunch of 12-year-olds standing around. And they put on some music and there was, you know, half the kids were dancing, half weren't. And I was looking at the kids that were dancing and they look like they're having a whole lot of fun. And I didn't know how to dance. So I just copied some of the kids like, oh, you move around and then they play one kind of song and I do that. And then they play some Nirvana song. This is dating myself. And I, oh, you just kind of thrash around. All right. And I did it and I was having fun. I remember I was sweating. I was enjoying myself. And I went to go to the bathroom and in the bathroom there are 2 kids hanging out, Tim and Mark, and they were standing around in the bathroom just not using the bathroom, just hanging out, I guess, being cool. And they were just ripping on everybody. Oh, Brian's an idiot and Jeff's so stupid and look at her and look at that. And I thought to myself, oh my God, are they going to say that stuff about me? And they're making fun of people for dancing. And I was copying the people they're making fun of. And I walked out of that bathroom and I did not dance for a decade of my life after that. Made that decision at 11 years old. Crazy, huh? Well, not if you're running a survival program that says you got to fit in or die. And so I pursued friendship with those guys because, oh, they were good at sports and I played sports. So I was like, I got to be friends with those guys. So I left that bathroom and I did not dance and I kind of hung out with them the rest of the dance. And then I would compare myself. There'd be future dances there and in high school. And I would notice that girls would move towards other guys, but they didn't seem to move towards me. Never mind. What I didn't notice is that Some of those early decisions I made prevented me from moving towards them. I wasn't putting out the signals. I wasn't saying, hey, you want to dance with me? I was like hiding in a corner and then thinking, look, they approach him. Oh, look, she's dancing. Oh, look at that. And then I started to make up stories to explain why I wasn't chosen, why I wasn't popular, why I didn't fit in. And just so you really see how this might ensnare you in this trap, the reason I was coming up with those stories is because I was asking myself poor questions based upon the conclusions I was making. Let me explain. So I see so-and-so was dancing with so-and-so. No one seemed to want to dance with me. That's the conclusion. Why? So I ask myself a low-quality question, which is, why does nobody want to dance with me? Why does nobody find me appealing? And then my mind's like, well, maybe it's because you're ugly. Maybe because you're awkward. Maybe it just starts giving me answers, right? It's like a present-day AI. We didn't have that back then, but you just ask it a prompt, it'll give you answers. And so if you ask, why do I suck? It's like, well, here's 87 reasons why you suck. And that's what my brain did. And the problem is when we start coming up with conclusions and stories, they start to further strengthen the cage. They become the bars of the cage. And it starts to determine who you are, what you can and can't do. And then you begin to take the cage with you everywhere you go. So I go from middle school to high school, boom, that cage is already pretty well formed after 2 years. So I show up to a new high school. I'm the kind of guy who doesn't talk to people. Doesn't approach, doesn't dance, doesn't put himself out there, doesn't want to be the center of attention. Who do I need to be to fit in? And you might say, look, this is pretty normal stuff, Aziz. This is what all kids do. Every kid wants to fit in. Sure, sure. There's a little bit of shyness or figuring out identity or self-consciousness in most people when they're young. But then there's a whole level of intensity and neurotic obsession and thinking about it and obsessing about it. And there's an intensity of of self-judgment, comparison, and self-hatred that is very different than normal, maybe teenage shyness. And that came out in a ruthless inner critic. I'm ugly. I'm repulsive. I remember I would be showering before school and just going through in my head all the ways that I was inferior and insufficient and why no one would want to date me or like why I wouldn't get invited places. And it was just like this on-repeat recording of why I sucked. That's not normal Chinas. That's something else going on. And it was reinforcing all these old stories. It got pretty dark. I also started developing chronic pain when I was in high school. They were all related, but I didn't know that. And so now I had to stop playing sports, which was the only thing that I could feel like I was good at. And I got made fun of more, and people teased me because I stopped playing sports, because I started walking— I was limping often because I was in so much pain. And I told myself, look, it's going to be different. And this is another story that we can get caught in. It's like, I just gotta— something's— it's gonna somehow get better in the future, which might seem like optimism or But it can also be kind of wishful thinking. And I was always focused on, well, if I just was in a different environment, if I was in a different environment, then things would change, right? If I could just be somewhere else. So I, at some point, set my sight on college. Well, if I could just go to college, man, there's dorms, there's big campus, there's women everywhere, there's social opportunities, totally different experience. And then I went to college. And I had a client tell me this one time. He said, you know that social anxiety thing? It tends to move with you. So you move to a new city and there it is. And that's how it was for me. So I go to the same place and there's a term for this I used, which is the Rime of the Ancient Mariner. And now I'm no scholar of poetry by any means, but there's a famous poem called the Rime of the Ancient Mariner. And there's some line in there that's like, water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. You know, they're like stranded on a boat wreck or something. And there's salt water everywhere, but they can't drink it. And for me, it was like social opportunity and women everywhere, but not a drop to drink. And I remember being in this cafeteria. I went to UC Santa Barbara. They called it De La Guerra. And it was the cafeteria, and they had the section of like bread products like toast and bagels, and you could put them in a toaster and you wait for a minute and then you put on your butter or whatever. And I see this woman, and I noticed her a number of times. I think she went— she was in the same dorm as I was. Didn't know her name, never talked to her, thought she was cute. And I kind of would eye her from afar and then not approach or do anything or put myself out there or take any social risk at all. I wonder if that had anything to do with my low dating opportunities. Nope, nope, it's because I was ugly and I was inferior and I was a loser. That was my story and I was sticking to it, right? I compared myself in high school to my best friend who was way more attractive and athletic. Then I get to college and I compare myself to my roommate Sam, who's way more athletic and attractive, and a dozen other people. And I never thought, wow, it's me comparing myself to them and creating this low self-esteem. It was, oh, they're just better than me, that's how it is. And so I'm standing there looking at this woman. We're both by the, the bread section. She puts her toast down and I just put mine in, and, and we're standing here. There's nothing to do. You just wait for 60 seconds until your toast is ready. She's standing there, I'm standing there. This is the moment. She even looks at me and I look away, kind of turn my body away from her. I'm looking at the jam. Oh, I hate myself. She gets her toast, she puts some butter on it, walks away. Ah, these little moments might sound trivial, but they're devastating. They're devastating because it's not just, oh, I missed out on opportunity to chat with a woman, maybe, who knows, get a date. I don't know. But They're reinforcing this story. I'm undesirable. I'm incapable. I'm unlovable. It was extremely painful. Now, you might hear this and say, well, geez, this is depressing. But hopefully you're hearing some of the patterns that are creating this because it's only depressing if the stories are true. I'm sorry, you're insufficient. I'm sorry, you're not enough. You're not as good as those people. You're ugly. You can't do this. Then yeah, that's pretty darn depressing. But the stories are not true. And there is something that is so much truer. And as you're hearing this and hearing about me, you might see through my bad stories. You might say, wait a minute, Aziz, the reason that you didn't have any dating opportunities is because there's a woman there, you didn't even talk to her. The reason you feel bad about yourself is not because how you look, it's because you're constantly comparing yourself and criticizing yourself. And if you were to think that, I'd say you're right. And that, that was the doorway to liberation for me. And it only comes, I believe, when we have enough pain of doing things the way that we've done it. Because as bad as it is, I kept doing it. I kept reinforcing the story. There's a classic tale that I learned from Les Brown about this that I love, which is guys walking down the street and he sees a guy on his porch and it's on a rocking chair, an older gentleman. And next to the guy on the porch is a dog and it's laying down on the porch and it's just moaning. So the guy's walking down the street and he looks over at this old guy and this old dog moaning and eventually he stops and Shouts out across the yard and he says, excuse me, sir, uh, is your dog okay? And the old man looks down at the dog, looks back at the guy and says, oh yeah, she's fine. And so the passerby says, well, wait, why is she moaning? And the guy says, well, she's laying on a nail. The guy asks him, well, why doesn't she move? And the old guy says, well, Guess it doesn't hurt that bad. And that's how I was, and that's how a lot of people are. We are moaning, we don't like it, it sucks. But does it hurt bad enough for you to do something else? Not just to complain about it, to lament about it, to feel self-pity about it, to feel hopeless about it, but to activate something inside of yourself. It's your soul waking up where you say, F this, enough of this, I am more than this, I cannot tolerate Another day, another week, another month, another year like this. It's a threshold moment. And that's what I had. I came home, went into my apartment that I shared with Chris. We went to college together too. He was superior to me in high school and in college. Still is quite athletically superior to me, undeniably. Guy runs 100-mile ultras. I mean, he's a beast. And I think I'm alone. I don't think he's there. I go into my room. I got my bowl of pasta, noodles and ragu pasta. I'm gonna load up Warcraft 3 like a champion. And I hear some laughter from his room next door. And I realize I'm not alone. He's home. His girlfriend's home. He always had a different girlfriend. And I heard her laughing. And it was that moment, the laughter piercing through the wall and this crushing feeling of I'm never I'm never gonna have this because I'm insufficient, because I'm a loser, because I'm incapable, because I can't. And instead of imploding and collapsing like the last 1,000 times, something else clicked on inside of me. And it went from collapse to transform, from impossible to a revulsion of how I lived because it was not what I'm here to do. And it was like, I don't know how it's gonna change, but it's gonna change. I got to do something different. And then I began. That was the turning point of my life. And here we are 20-some years later. And it's been on that new path since. And in that moment, I started. Now, did I solve everything that night? No. But man, a fire was lit under my ass and I started looking, seeking solutions, taking action, found materials online. About to be another story time where I'll tell you more about the process from there. We'll pick up. What I discovered, it was in the wide world of dating advice online, or pickup artists is what they were called at the time. And it was helpful and also led me quite astray down a whole new path of challenge. But at least it got me. I was looking for solutions and I was willing to apply. I started talking to women, started talking to people, started taking risks. And in that phase, it was, I have all these stories in my head, but I know if I follow those stories, my life is awful. So I'm going to start to challenge them. And it was terrifying. And it was extraordinarily liberating. And that energy that I started to unlock when I began to defy the voice of doubt and start to discover that what I told myself about who I was was not true, that feeling, that excitement, that liberation was not just about getting a date or making new friends. It was a feeling of freedom that is why I do what I do today, why I record these, why I help people, why I've worked with people in this over the last decade and worked with thousands of people in my mastermind and training programs and books. It's not just a business and my work. It's a mission. It's Operation Mass Liberation. How do we help every single person that I can touch activate that inside of themselves so they could feel that aliveness? And when they feel that aliveness, I echo that and feel that aliveness. And that's the endless fuel to keep doing this throughout my life. And that's what I want for you. That's what I encourage you. So if you're benefiting from this, you want to listen to more of these. If that goal, regardless of your other goals, right? More professional confidence and success or social relationship, all those goals. But if your core goals is liberation from the cage of your own making to becoming the most free authentic version of you and defying all those old stories again and again, then stay with me because there's going to be a lot more of that coming. I'll share more future stories about The next phase because that was 10 years of hardcore social anxiety and I started to really break free and get a lot more expansion in my life but I was not fully out of the cage. Oh no, there was a whole nother cage that I was not aware of. But that will be for a future story time. But thank you for being with me on this journey, not just in this episode but in this journey of life. And if there's any way that I can support you in activating your liberation, Whether it's with this, with a book, with working with me directly. I would love to support you in that. And if there's one thing that you're walking away from this conversation that you and I are having about this is what stories have you been telling yourself about who you are and just how it is? What conclusions have you come to about yourself? And are you willing to test those? Are you willing to challenge that and defy that voice of doubt and see what's on the other side?