The Real Reason You Feel Self-Conscious

If you feel self-conscious socially, in groups, in workplace meetings, you might think that the problem is that you feel insecure in those situations. And so you try to solve that insecurity. I need to become more confident. I need to know what to say better. I need to have more presence or polish. But the issue is not actually that you feel insecure. The issue is that you are monitoring way too many things at once. And that is what's making you uncomfortable, awkward, stiff, not your freest, most expressive, most intelligent, most likable self. And there is a very different thing to fix in this situation for you to feel way more relaxed, free, and bringing the version of you that you know can come out in these situations. So this has frustrated you for a long time, and you're spending a lot of time trying to get more confidence and build more communication skills, more presence. This is going to really shift something for you and help set you free. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of the Center for Social Confidence, and I know this problem inside and out, not just from helping clients with it, but from living it myself week after week, month after month, year after year, where I felt exceedingly self-conscious, self-critical, and inhibited around all types of different people, especially people I thought were attractive or powerful, especially in groups, especially in meetings at work where there's other people there or powerful people there. And I always focus so much on what I was going to say and how to say it better, and I need to know more and I need to appear more confident. But what I didn't realize is the issue is not that you don't know enough. The issue is not even that you're not confident enough. And that you feel insecure. The issue is that you are tracking too many variables. And specifically, let me describe what I mean. So let's take that secure-insecure fear, because that's one of the biggest fears is like, well, what are you worried about in the meeting? What are you worried about if you speak up, if you share? Well, people might see that I'm insecure, that I don't know my stuff, I don't feel that confident. And then I get a little pushback sometimes. They're like, what are you saying? I'm just supposed to be insecure? I'm supposed to show that I don't know what I'm talking about? Well, no. But the issue is that you, in an attempt to not look secure, are tracking all of The subtle tells that might reveal that insecurity. So I did this with a client recently, and I said, well, what are you worried— how would that insecurity show up? And you might ask yourself this question. And he said, well, maybe my voice would sound kind of hesitant or shaky. I said, okay, let's write that down. Maybe I wouldn't make good eye contact, I'd look away. Great, write that one down. Maybe I would stutter or stumble over my words. Maybe I would blush. Maybe I'd say something that wasn't really clear or direct, I'd ramble. And he came up with this big list of maybe 10 or more things, and I bet you could come up the exact same list for you about what you would not want to look like, not want to show, but you would not want to look like or have people see you as. And so now every single one of those things in that meeting, in that conversation, you're now tracking. How's my eye contact? How's my voice tone? How solid does my voice sound? Do I sound nervous or not? You know what I'm talking about? This is the essence of self-consciousness, is we're observing everything about ourselves and it feels bad. This is why it feels bad, because these observations are not neutral. Like if you were talking to someone, you might notice I'm a little hungry. Okay, that's probably a neutral observation. It's no big deal. These are very different than that. Every single one of these things that you're tracking is tagged to some part of your brain, specifically in your limbic system, your amygdala, as a threat. You looking away is not neutral information. It's dangerous. Your voice being a little shaky is dangerous. I'm not saying it actually is dangerous. I'm saying that your part of your brain is tagging it that way. And that's why we're hyper Monitoring it. And that is the biggest challenge in those meetings, in those social gatherings, in that group. It's not that you feel insecure, it's that you lose your capacities, you lose your intelligence, you lose your skill, you lose your charm because you're consciously trying to manage all these things. How on earth can I be listening to you talk and come up with a spontaneous, natural response that keeps the conversation flowing if instead of listening to you and looking at you and being present with you, I'm tracking How's my eye contact? Was that too much eye contact? You should look away. Nope, don't look away that long. That looks weird. Okay, no, you're staring at them now. Don't stare at them like that. Meanwhile, am I blushing? I wonder if I'm blushing. My face feels a little hot. That probably means I'm blushing. Well, that's really bad. Uh-oh, uh-oh, it's time for me to say something. What am I gonna say? I gotta say the right thing. Don't say the wrong thing. That's just 3 variables, by the way. And yes, I know that inner monologue very well because I ran it for a long time. And when I was doing that, I sucked at conversations. I sucked at speaking up in groups. I wasn't very good at it. I avoided it. Not because I didn't have good things to say. I wasn't intelligent. Those are all just bogus stories that we tell ourselves. The truth is, I thought it was very dangerous if people saw in any way that I was nervous or that I was insecure. And so I was tracking all these things to make sure no one ever saw me that way. Do you follow me there? Do you see how the issue is all these things that we're trying to track? You might say, well, that's all well and good, but how do I set myself free? Are you saying just be insecure in a meeting and say, hey everybody, I'm so insecure, I don't know what's going on? No, it doesn't have to be like that. What you need to do is realize that all of those things that you're tracking, you don't need to be Because they're not actually threatening. So this is the sell, and it's a little bit of a harder sell. And I work with clients on this to help them really see that. Say, wait a minute, Aziz, hold on a second. If my voice is shaking in a meeting or I'm looking away when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone, that is actually a problem. They're going to think I don't like them. People are going to hear my voice and think, oh, this guy can't hack it. He's nervous. Your voice being shaky is not the problem. You blushing is not the problem. You looking away is not the problem. It's your fear of those things and the meaning that you're giving it. That's the problem. So if your voice was was a little shaky and it was no big deal to you, like, oh yeah, a little hungry, voice a little shaky, there would be no issue. You would be able to continue to share in the meeting, talk in that conversation, and have a fantastic result or outcome. The issue is that you tag it as danger, and then you're like, uh-oh, uh-oh, my voice, my voice sounded bad. And then your performance tanks because you're trying to track that. You start to try to control that thing, and you can't control all 10 of those variables at once. It's exhausting. It's absorbing in your mind and your focus, and you just lose all presence, lose all capability for spontaneous flow and interaction, which is where all the best meetings, best conversations, best performance comes from is being fully here in the zone, in the moment, right? We know this in professional sports. If you get in your head, you're dead. And so if we're tagging it as danger, that's the biggest problem. And so the solution, the way out, and what I help people do is to train their body that it's safe. Because if you just tell yourself in your mind, hey, your voice is a little shaky, it's no big deal. Maybe you believe that. Maybe you're listening to me and you're like, yeah, yeah, okay, sure. It's not gonna last. You're gonna get into that next meeting and be like, no, it is real. Problem is danger. And then we have that reaction inside because it's not coming from your rational brain. It's coming from that limbic system, the emotional threat system that's focused on, if I do these things, that means that I'll appear not smart or insecure or whatever. And that means people are going to stop listening to me. People are going to stop liking me. I'm going to get fired. All these horrible things. I'm going to lose love, connection, and belonging. And that's what we're protecting against with all this monitoring and self-consciousness. And so what I help people do and what you can learn to do and train yourself is to shift from this is dangerous to it's no big deal. And the best metaphor I have for this is it's like a smoke alarm going off in your house. You hear a smoke alarm, it's 2 AM, there could be a fire in your house. That's a big deal. That's danger. Wake up the family, get the family pet under your arm and run outside. Now, what if you're cooking up a steak or some tofu in your kitchen and there's some smoke coming off your frying pan and that stupid fire alarm, it just keeps going off and the Room next to the kitchen is going off again. You know there's no fire, and you say, ah, geez, hey, can someone take that towel and just wave it in front of that thing? No big deal. And that is the same when you have that— is my eye contact over? Did I look away? At first it's like, I looked away! Yeah, the house is on fire! Freak out, focus on that. But with training, you can realize, my eye contact, whatever, I don't know, I'm focused on the conversation. Who cares? Maybe I looked away. I'm not focused on it. I'm focused on what we're here to do. I'm focused on what the person is saying. I'm focused on having a connection, whatever it is, social or professional. You focused back on the matter at hand and stop absorbing in those things, because guess what? They're irrelevant. Now, I know you might have a little pushback, and I get this all the time. I remember speaking with a client, and he had severely limited himself in his career because of one primary fear: blushing. If I blush and people see me blush, it's gonna be awful. I mean, he went so far as to— he was looking at different surgeries he could get. I don't exactly know what these surgeries were. They're going to snip something in his neck and he's not going to blush anymore. Maybe other body parts aren't going to work. I don't know. But it's That's a big intervention and arguable if that would actually solve his problem because he might find another reason that he would reveal his weakness of anxiety, of nervousness, right? He had imposter syndrome through the years. And so he said, I need to stop blushing. That was his solution, right? That's what the surgery was all about. And he came to work with me. He's like, Aziz, you gotta help me stop blushing. And I said, okay, well, ultimately, what do you want? Well, if I stop blushing, then I could progress in my career. I could speak up with more confidence. I could be— Okay, so you ultimately, blushing aside, you wanna speak up with more confidence and progress in your career and feel more powerful? Yes. I said, okay, I got good news and bad news for you. He said, okay, what? I said, the good news is you can absolutely excel in your career, speak up with more clarity and authority, and feel way more powerful. And you can do that like really fast. And he said, oh wow, fantastic. What's the bad news? I said, the bad news is that you may or may not blush as you do it. And his face scrunched up like I just told him to eat a can of worms or something. And he said, wait, no, no, no, that doesn't work. Because in his mind, he was convinced that if he blushed, it would be all over. And so I asked him a question. I said, hey, I'm curious, is there anyone in your profession that you've ever seen who does get red in the face sometimes and who is also successful? And he thought about it for a minute and he said, you know, um, well, my boss gets red in the face quite often actually, but he's angry when he does it. It's like, well, he's angry, so he's like blustering, but he gets really red in the face. He's like, oh yeah, beet red. And he's your boss and he's very successful? My client said, yeah. I said, okay, so is it possible that this blushing thing, or whatever your self-consciousness is fixating on, is a red herring, is a ruse? We get absorbed in it, but it meaningless because the truth is you can speak up and your face can turn a little red, your voice can quake a little bit, but you keep going because you don't make it mean that the house is burning down. It's just an annoying smoke alarm going off and you learn to ignore it. And that takes training. It takes a certain kind of courage. It takes a certain kind of exposure, a certain kind of willingness. But if you do it, it's life-transforming. And if you want to find out more about exactly how you can do that, how I help people do that, go to www.draziz.com. D-R-A-Z-I-Z.com. And you can click on the Work With Me tab and find out all about how I work with people and help clients radically transform these patterns that have been going on for 10, 20, 30, 40 years and help them shift quickly. Because it's not about skill or competence or intelligence or any of that. It's about these old safety patterns, these survival programs that we've been running that have been tripping us up. And as soon as you get that out of the way, the most bold, confident version of you is there, ready to speak up, ready to share, ready to be fully bold, authentic, and brilliant.