The Hidden Fear Behind Being Nice

Nice people think they're being kind and considerate, and they see themselves as a good person and maybe even take a little bit of satisfaction in that. Like, hey, I'm one of the good guys. I'm not going through life hurting people, taking advantage of people, exploiting people. That's what other people do. But I, I'm doing the right thing. I'm being a good person. I show up for people. I give to people. I say yes, even if I want to say no, because that's being generous. And that's being loving. And I'm one of those people. And it's not entirely false. Nice people might be kind and loving and maybe more generous than other people. But what's missing from that story is that where it's coming from is not necessarily a virtue of kindness and living out an ideal. It might actually be a large dose of fear that is running the show, that on top of that, as a nice person, we could put a little window dressing and say, you know what? It's not fear. It's being a good person. I'm kind. And when you see this, it really gives you so much more freedom because that niceness, that kindness that we feel as being a good person ends up looking more like a compulsion that you feel like you have to do or else. And if that's the case, is it really a virtue? Is it really a choice? Or are you held hostage? And what I want you to learn here today with me is that something more is possible. And it doesn't make you an awful person or an egomaniac or exploiting people all over the place. It actually makes you objectively probably a more loving human, a better relationship, Healthier relationships and a healthier relationship with yourself and a more authentic life. So it can actually get much better, but not in the way that you would think. Not by being nicer, not by being more accommodating, not by trying to be good in every situation, but actually doing the opposite. And it's very counterintuitive and it's very confusing, which is one thing that I tell clients all the time is the right thing will feel wrong. So when you start to behave in a way that is more authentic, more truly based upon the choice of kindness, Or not giving, or not saying yes or saying no, that saying no or not giving someone something will feel wrong, but it might be exactly right. So let's take a look at this underlying fear because I put this forward as a suggestion, and let's see if it's true in your experience. Don't just take my word for it. So let me ask you a hypothetical situation. Let's say someone says, hey, I really need your help with this thing, whether it's a workplace or a family or a friend, you know, can you help me out? And it's kind of a big ask, and maybe it involves a lot of your time, and your time is fairly extended already, fairly full. And in order to say yes to that, it's going to come at quite a cost to your own self-care, your own routines, your own time, maybe other commitments you have to your family or friends or work. And it's going to put a fair amount of strain on you. And honestly, if you— your natural impulse inside is kind of like, oh God, I don't want to do it. No, I don't want to do that. Right? So that's the scenario. What do you do? What do you do, hotshot? You watch that movie Speed? Only if you grew up in the '90s, baby. But, you know, pop quiz, hotshot. What do you do? Well, a lot of people that I work with would tell me, I'd say yes. You know, what are you going to do? You just got to do it. Or I don't want to, but I would kind of feel like I had to say yes. So this is not exactly what would you do? It's what's the mechanics underneath? Because that's what we're looking at. That determines not just this one scenario, but 1,000 scenarios. What are the mechanics underneath that That have you potentially overriding yourself to say yes. And usually what happens is, oh, I don't want them to feel bad. Maybe they're gonna feel like I don't care about them. Or maybe, shoot, they have so much on their plate, they're so overwhelmed. I gotta swoop in and help them. Fixer, right? Or, oh man, that would be really mean or selfish of me. Why should I prioritize my own desires or needs over theirs? I mean, they need help too. I should just do it. Or, man, I would feel so guilty if they looked at me with those puppy dog eyes and said, okay, if you're too busy. I just feel so bad about myself. Or, I'm really— man, if I say no to them, they're going to say, what? After all I've done for you? I'm never going to do anything for you again. Or if it's a career, like, I'm going to sabotage you. Oh, you better do what I want or I'm going to get you. Whatever is happening there, these are the reasons that we might feel compelled to say yes. Do any of those sound like virtues? Maybe we'll— we tell ourselves that, like, yes, I'm the kind of person who always gives and takes on more. I did that for many years. I also did some weird spiritual stuff with it too. It's kind of like, I'm the one who has no ego, so I will be the one to, you know, give this thing away. I don't— I'm not attached to that. Secretly I am, and now I'm sad and disappointed I gave it away. But no, I'm not, right? Whatever we— however we spin it to ourselves. If you listen to those potential reasons, they all sound a lot like fear, don't they? I'm afraid you're gonna get upset with me. I'm afraid of my own feelings of guilt. I'm afraid of you judging me as selfish. I'm afraid of me judging myself as selfish, or I'm afraid of me imagining my mom from 30 years ago judging me as selfish. I'm afraid of something. And out of that fear, I'll say yes. And the metaphor that I like to use is an old-fashioned stickup in the Wild West. You know, these banks out in the western states of the United States back in the day. They were not connected to the main banks on the East Coast. They were getting robbed. People would come in there with pistols and some bandana over their face and they would just clean them out. And these were like local small communities. There was like some sheriff guy, not much law enforcement. You couldn't track them down. The money wasn't tracked. It was different currencies around the country. It was a mess. And so there's an era where there could be all these bank robberies and they would come in and— now, of course, I'm not a historian, so this is mostly based upon movies like Maverick. But anyway, someone walks in there, they got the mask on their face and they put the guns out and they're like, hey. And what do the people do? At least in the movies, right? They put their hands up. Don't shoot. And that energy is what's happening with our kindness, with our generosity, with our loving, accommodating people is they say, I need help. Or if you're a really good, nice person, you don't even wait for them to ask. You just observe them from afar. Be like, that person needs help. Your bat signal or what a Spidey sense starts tingling. You're like, I must go help that person right now. I'm a fixer. And then we go and we find ourselves in that situation, maybe way overextended now. And then you got resentment. What do you do with that? You shove it down, pretend like it's not there. And these are all signs that something ain't right. Something— this is not me just being kind. This is— something is off because kindness leaves an afterglow. Kindness feels good. And yes, you might extend yourself out of kindness. You might feel some fear being generous, but you do it anyway because it feels like the right thing. I'm not saying those are bad. You might wanna do a lot of that, but you wanna be honest and say, is that really coming from that place? 'Cause otherwise it won't leave a residual of kindness. Otherwise it won't leave a residual of warmth and connection. When you give when you don't want to, when you give out of fear, when you say yes when you really wanna say no, but you're scared of them being upset with you, so you do it, you'll know because there'll be a residual inside of fatigue, burnout, irritability, resentment, or a desire to withdraw or something that shows that not all is well inside. And that we've been maybe selling ourselves a lie, that underneath I just did it 'cause I was scared. And so that's what that old Wild West metaphor is about, is they say, hey, can you help me with this thing? And what you feel is them saying, stick up, gimme your money. And we're like, okay, I have to, whatever you say, whatever you say, don't hurt me. And what we're afraid of is the hurt. We're afraid of the pain. And that pain is of disapproval, either them disapproving of us or your own self-judgment about how you're supposed to be as a nice person. Which is really about, I have to be this nice person so I don't get disapproval. It all comes back to that. And when you really see this, it can start to be extremely liberating because then you get to start to ask yourself the key question that'll set you free. What do I really want here? What do I want? I playfully call that the MVP question from my book, Not Nice. What do I want here? And I cannot tell you how many clients I've worked with over the years who honestly never asked themselves that question, or at least never really seriously considered Answering that question for a decade or 2 or 5 in their life, work, relationships. And instead of making it, oh, they're such a loving, generous person, so they have a beautiful life, right? No, they might have a wreckage behind them of divorces and career stagnation or abrupt endings or just being in a marriage, in a relationship, but feeling dead inside. I mean, it ain't pretty. And it's not because Maybe they chose the wrong people, or they were trying to manipulate, or none of that. It was just this unconscious thing they sort of fell into by trying to do the right thing, and it's really painful. And then they start to wake up and say, "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What do I want?" And honestly, if they tried to ask themselves that in the past, they would just instantly say, "What? How dare you selfish bad bad bad bad!" But as they start to really go on this journey of liberation, they discover, "Wait a minute! That question is not bad or selfish or mean. That question." Is healthy because it puts you back into the equation of your own life. It allows you to start to steer your own time, your own life, your own choices, and ultimately your own relationships and your own destiny. And then something beautiful and magical happens, which is you start to reclaim your own life. Your life once again becomes yours and becomes an authentic reflection of who you are now. But that doesn't happen by default. Most nice people that I've seen, the pattern continues if it's left unquestioned. If they don't do the inner work, the training inside, not just in your mind, but in your body and your nervous system, the pattern will run even if they have a lot of intellectual insight. I know a lot of people, it's like, oh, I did 10 years of therapy, I can tell you exactly why this happens, but I'm still doing it. And that's a good first step, but you have to really train your nervous system systematically, like stimulus and response, to get more and more solid inside of yourself, upgrade the old stories in your mind, change the way your body responds to disapproval, and then, then you unlock that freedom inside. And if you want to start that journey, the easiest step is to find out your approval type. Find out the primary way you override yourself when you're unsure about how people are going to respond and if they might disapprove of you. And you can do that at my website at draziz.com and take a 2-minute self— and take a 2-minute quiz that'll tell you your exact approval type. And then most importantly, there's a longer training you can go through for free. That's the 3 steps that I do with people day in and day out to help them fundamentally change this for their entire lives. So check that out if you're drawn. And just leave with this, know that None of this is your fault or some failing or shortcoming on your part. I can't tell you how many times clients are— it's a lot of shame about this, like, and I certainly did, like, oh, what's wrong with me? Why am I— I suck. It's none of that. It's just a form of training. You were conditioned in nice programming. And like a program, it will just continue to run on your computer in the background until you update it. And once you do, it's a different life. So this is just an old pattern that was probably passed down from one generation to the next. Now is the time though. So it's not your fault, and there's an opportunity and a responsibility here to fundamentally change this. And I would love to keep supporting you on that path. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.