“Be Yourself” Is Terrible Advice

People have told you your whole life to be yourself, and especially before a date or an interview or a family gathering, you're feeling a little nervous and people say, "Oh, just be yourself." And does that ever make you feel more relaxed, more confident, more authentic, or has it never really worked? You're like, "Well, which self? Should the nervous guy show up?" And even though that advice is everywhere, it's the worst advice. Not because being you is the wrong direction, but because it gives us absolutely no no guidance whatsoever. And there is something way more effective, way more powerful in helping you unlock the most authentic, confident version of you before that interview, date, family meeting, any situation where there's a little uncertainty or it's high stakes, but also day to day in all your relationships and in making choices, big decisions in your life. This helps with all of that, and it's a much more practical tool for becoming who you're really meant to be and fully confident in that. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of the Center for Social Confidence, and I struggled with confidence, authenticity, and being myself for many years in my life. And I remember I was walking to— this is in college. I had just so much social anxiety. I really thought that when I went from high school to college, somehow that would magically fix things. There was a lot of people, there's a lot of parties, there's a lot of stuff going on. I'm totally going to be this new version of me. And I had a client who one time told me, you know, I realized this social anxiety thing, when you move, it moves with you. And that was exactly true for me. I moved from one city to another, but I bring me with me. And so I'm all the same patterns, the anxiety, the self-doubt, the comparison to others. They're better, I'm not enough, I'm not desirable. And so I'm walking into this party with a friend of mine, his name was Ryan, and Ryan was so confident and so comfortable in his own skin, and he already had a girlfriend, and I never had had a girlfriend at that point in my life. And he was going to this party, and I knew he was going to talk to all the women there. And I was like, Ryan— and normally I would not share anything, by the way, I would hide all of my insecurities— but there was a moment of desperation. I'm so anxious walking into this party. And I said, like, Ryan, how are you so confident? You have any advice? And he looked at me and he said, Aziz, you just got to be yourself, man. And then we walked in, and I was like Ryan, you gave me nothing. Because what is that? Be yourself. What does that mean? It's like a platitude. It sounds nice. It makes it maybe a good, you know, Instagram graphic or something, but it gives us no guidance. And honestly, the same thing is true for be authentic. Be authentically yourself. It sounds really good because it touches on something that's very true. We know posturing and pretending and trying to be something that we're not feels bad. So then obviously being yourself or being authentic is going to be good, and it touches on something that feels good. But we don't know how to get there. It doesn't give us the guidance. And so therefore, what people do in the absence of that is they come up with an image or an idea of my authentic self, and then they go try to be it. I did this for many years, especially when people get into growth and learning and personal development stuff. They're like, okay, I'm gonna be most authentic self. Who is that? And they construct often what is called their fantasy self. It's the idealized version of me, the one who is better looking, fitter, richer, more popular, more outgoing, more witty, more stories, more clever, more success, more degrees, more anything. And we say, oh, that's the authentic me. And then we kind of pressure ourselves to be like that. And that's not really true freedom. And that's because, again, authenticity is not bad. It's because the map that I have to try to find this mythical place of authenticity or being myself is not useful. And I want to give you right now an extremely useful map that will help you not just vaguely be yourself or get to yourself 5 years from now when you've perfected everything. But be yourself today. Be authentic today and feel it and go to bed at night and be like, yeah, that was— I did that. I was way more myself today. And you'll know it instantly. It's not someone telling you. You feel it. And here's how you do it. Because what authenticity is, you being you, is you living, expressing, sharing, doing, being what is most true to you or what is most important to you or what you value most. And you not being yourself is you trying to do something that's not really you, that's not really important to you, you don't really value it. And so if you know what you value, you know what's important to you, what matters to you, and then you live it today, you will automatically be more yourself, more authentic. And there's a beautiful bonus perk that I'm gonna share in just a minute of actually living this way. But let's clarify this 'cause even that could be a little vague. What I value? And people sometimes draw a blank on that. But the good news is it's not 50 different things. It's usually 5 to 7 of the most important ones. And they're actually very clear because you've already been either organizing your life around them or suffering because you're not. So for example, you look at your activities, you look at the kinds of things you prioritize in your life. Did you go to the gym this week? Did you exercise in any way, shape, or form? So does that mean you value what? Health? Do you value a sense of energy in your body? Do you value the feeling of being able to move and it feels good? Well, maybe there's a value of health there, or maybe you're not doing those things and you feel bad about it, and that might be a sign that you do value health but you're not living it. You're not being authentic to what's really important important to you. And that's useful information too. Not to beat yourself up about, but to say, okay, message received, got it. Put more energy on health. Then maybe you realize, hey, I really like spending time with close friends, man. I feel so alive after I do that. Okay, maybe you say, well, do I value friends? Well, yeah, but what happens when you're with friends? What do you feel? Well, I get to experience connection, uh, love, humor. Oh, so you value connection and love and humor. And the reason we say we don't just link it to friends is because now if you realize that's what I value, then you can bring to all kinds of situations. So one of my top values is humor. That's why I bring that every time you're watching me or listening to me. I'm probably making sound effects. I'm laughing, I'm smiling. Even if I'm talking about something heavy, I'll get serious for a minute and then 5 minutes later with a client, we're laughing because not just, oh, that's an effective technique, but that's who I am. I'm going to bring humor into virtually everything that I do. Why? Because that's what I value. That's me being authentic. I'm not performing humor. I'm not a standup comedian. I'm not using pre-written material. I don't think I'll ever do that in my life. That sounds really unpleasant to go write down material and try to make sure it's funny and refine it. Like, barf. But I will just say random things that crack me up. And the reason there's a freedom in that is because I'm not performing it for you. I'm doing it because that's who I am. Do you feel the distinction there? And the beauty of that is it gives you such a rock-solid freedom to be yourself because, hey, did that person like my joke or not? Well, if I'm performing humor for you and you liked it or you didn't, well then it was good or bad, or I'm good or bad based upon how you respond. But if I'm doing humor, I'm sharing that in the world because that's just One of the things that I do, that's what I value. You could like it or not. You could laugh or not. That's okay. I'll give you another funny line in a minute. See if that one gets you. See what my hit rate is. That's you living that value. Connection might be up there for you, spending time with people. And this is what I find with almost everyone I talk to and work with, probably why you're listening to me here, is you don't just value, like, hanging out connection. Like, yeah, what's up? You want to play some basketball together? That's fine. But underneath, you probably really value more deep connection, more honest connection, more being real with each other. So sure, play some basketball, but then afterwards you're grabbing a drink or just sitting on the side of the court and you're like, so what's going on at work? Or how's your family? Or what's going on in your dating life? And the person shares. Boom, you walk away with that and you're like, wow, that felt really good. And you can share too. So do you see how these give you guidance? They give you signposts of where to follow. And I don't mean theoretically, I— humor, yes, I like humor. No, I can bring that in today. You know it's a value because it's something that you can live today wherever you are. So you say, "I value friends." Well, you might not spend time with your friends every day, but if I say, "I value connection," well, you can experience connection everywhere you go. You could connect with a stranger, you could send a message to a friend, but if you know, "I value connection," that will guide you to think about your friend and send them a message, to walk through that environment in the world instead of just having your headphones on being like, "Don't talk to me, blah." You chat with somebody. Are they gonna wanna chat with me or not? I don't know, but I value connection, so I'm going to practice that value. I'm gonna live that value, wherever I go. Do you follow me here? So when you're listening to this, what do you think your top values are? And just start to brainstorm. 3, 5, 7, just a couple. Is it this? Is it that? I don't know. Just put it in a list and sit with it. Notice what you do. And here's the key. This is the payoff of living this way and a clue for you to help you find what your values are. The result of living this way at the end of the day, not theoretically some time in the future, the result today, tonight, if you live this, is you feel more alive. Doesn't mean everything goes your way, everybody loves you, everybody thinks you're awesome. No, that's not how reality No one laughs at all your jokes, no matter how great they are. And trust me, I know, because mine are amazing. There's a variety of responses in life, but we don't need constant chronic approval to feel good. You will feel good at the end of the day if you lived your value. I moved towards that person for connection regardless of what they said. I got to bring humor into the situation regardless of how it went. I got to do something in my body to feel healthy today regardless of what I look like. Is my aesthetic good enough? Right? But if you get to live it every day, you will feel more alive. Test this out. You don't have to take my word for it. Just literally intentionally say— I'll do this with clients all the time. I was like, let's write out your top 5 values. Great. I want you to pick one of those and intentionally practice it more that day. Okay, I value courage, so I'm going to practice more courage today. And then they do it, and then I ask them, how did you feel at the end of the day? I felt good. Do you feel more alive? Yeah. Did everything go your way? No. Okay, interesting. And so if you're trying to find your values and really see, is this something I really value when I'm doing that, do I feel more alive? And you can even start with the question, when do I feel most alive? Doing what kinds of activities? Being around what kinds of people? Doing what kinds of things? Get real specific. Oh, okay, then when I'm doing that activity, what, what is it that I'm experiencing or expressing? So one of my core values is creation, specifically creative contribution. So it's creation for others. Man, that lights me up. That's what I'm doing here, talking to you right now, writing books, creating any sort of liberation, in the world, lights me up. And so I know if I have a day at the end of the day where I've expressed some sort of creative contribution to someone else, I'm going to feel more alive. And so you can really zone in by saying, well, what did I— I felt more alive, I was recording videos that day. Okay, so what about that? Okay. And you keep digging until you find the core energy of what you value underneath. And this, this is a roadmap to being yourself, to authenticity, and to feeling more alive. Because to bring it back to the beginning, being yourself, what does that mean? Is it some vague thing? Is it— are the Buddhists right? Is or no self, like what's going on? We can get all philosophical and theoretical, or we can say, was I myself today? Well, did I bring humor? Did I bring health in? Did I bring courage in? Did I connect with someone today? Whatever your values are, those are some of mine, so you can see why I'm referencing those. Did I have adventure today? Did I express myself today? Did I play today? Whatever your values are, and you say, yeah, does it feel good? Yeah. Does that feel like you being you? Yeah. Do you feel more alive? Yeah. Do you want to do it again tomorrow? Yeah. Then you know you're on the right track.