Why Boundaries Feel So Hard

Most of the advice out there about boundaries and assertiveness is not actually that useful, and it's not because they're not giving good techniques. It's because they're missing one core piece that makes all of their techniques almost impossible to apply. And I'm going to share with you today what that core missing piece is, and then exactly how this allows you to easily and consistently have boundaries with people and make something so difficult and frustrating become way more accessible. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of the Center for Social Confidence, and I know a lot about boundaries not because I learned it in a book, but because I suffered from having a lack of boundaries for 2 decades of my adult life where I was extremely pleasing and accommodating and I'll— whatever you say, whatever you want. And it was extremely painful. I had so many negative impacts in my relationships. There was a period of time where I couldn't even have a romantic relationship. And so many negative impacts on my physical health that actually comes from suppressing and being really nice. And I talk about that in my book Not Nice. If you haven't read that, you could find out all about boundaries and the impact of being too nice. I call it the high cost of being nice. So I know this from the inside out, and I've also learned the most profound way to get out of it. And I can't tell you how many clients that I've worked with that said, oh, I learned about boundaries from a therapist, or I did some assertiveness training, and they're actually pretty good at communication. But what they were missing was that there's this question that fires again and again that prevents us from even being able to say the boundary in the moment. And the question is, is this boundary legitimate? And you might not be consciously asking yourself that, but that's exactly what's happening underneath. So let me explain. Boundaries are actually quite simple. They're just your preferences. There's a lot of lore and talking about it as if it's something really complex, but it's just your preferences. I want this and I don't want that. You have all kinds of preferences in your life— what you eat, what you wear, where you go, what you do with your time, right? Those are all of your preferences. Some of those preferences relate to other people. I want someone to do this or not do this, and that becomes a boundary. And I'm going to put a very simple example on this so we can see it super clear. When I was a kid growing up, my family had a rule, which was when you come into the house, you take your shoes off. And so my parents did that. Me and my brother did that. They taught us to do that. And if guests came over, they would take their shoes off. I don't remember anyone ever in my entire childhood having their shoes on in our house. That is a preference that my parents had. And you might have grown up in a different home where you did wear your shoes in the house. So which one's right? Ah, well, it depends, right? It depends on whoever's house it is. So if you have a rule that says, yeah, take off your shoes and I go to your house, then I would take off my shoes. If I don't have that rule, you come to my house and they, hey, should I take my shoes off? I mean, if you want, whatever, right? So what makes the boundary? Well, there's a preference and then it's whose space is it? Whose house is it in this example? So when you have a boundary, have a preference, do you give yourself the freedom, the permission, the legitimacy to have that boundary? And what I found with most people, the answer is no. So let's take this example of the shoes off in the house. That would be like saying, you know, I prefer people didn't have their shoes on. I'm very clear on that. But am I allowed to ask that? Is that being too demanding? Am I being too extreme? What if they don't want to take their shoes off? Ah, man, is that going to bother people? Is that okay for me to ask that? Right? Can you see how in that example, it's pretty clear that someone's allowed to ask for that? And that is the missing piece, is the permission. Now, depending on how nice you are, even that one might be uncomfortable. Ask them to take their shoes off. Okay, I'll just not. So let's look at how this applies in life. One, in order to be able to have a boundary in the first place, you have to know what is your So that's the first step is what is my preference here? And again, the simple example of the shoes in the house, but bring it to your life. Where do I want to do this thing or not? Do I want to deliver this work request in the way that they're asking of it? Or does that feel like they're putting too much on me? Do I want to show up to this friend's thing that they're inviting me to? When someone is talking with me and they're going on and on and they don't have any awareness of me, is that my preference? Or would I prefer that it's more give and take, right? This shows up everywhere in your life, behaviors, interpersonal dynamics, what you do with your time, everything. And so it starts with, what is my preference? And just think about, do I want the shoes off or on in my house? And here's the thing, your preferences are real and they're there. They're like undeniable. I'm not saying you automatically set a boundary on every single one and demand it and get it, but the fact that your mind and body are giving you constant signals about what you really want and what your preferences are, of course that's happening. And if you're super nice, you've suppressed that, and that's part of the physical pain and all the high costs of that, because it's a natural flow to know, what do I want here? Oh, that doesn't feel good to me. Okay, I'm gonna honor that. I'm gonna this and that. And most people I work with are very disconnected from that. And it's very painful and it's very problematic. And it starts to build more resentment, more burnout, more frustration in their lives. So the first part is, what do I really want here? What is my preference here? Number 2 is, did you communicate that? Did you let the other person know? And so often when I work with a client, like, yeah, they know their preference, but they didn't communicate it. And they're resentful inside that that person didn't do blank. They should have done this. Ah, what, Dr. Aziz? Did you ask them? No. Oh, that's— you can't do that. That's offensive. That's rude. Am I allowed to ask them? Well, they should have just known. They— if they really wanted to do it, they would have done it on their own. It's just common knowledge. If that person really wanted to take their shoes off, they would have taken their shoes off. I shouldn't have to ask them. It's just— it's common sense. Shoes are dirty. They walk in public bathrooms. Come on, people. And we're all righteous and we're all upset, but we didn't just ask. We didn't share. We didn't communicate. And sometimes we need to communicate it more directly than we did. A lot of the clients that I work with run the Diplomat pattern. And if you're curious about what your approval pattern is, there's only 4 types after working with thousands of people of years. There's only 4 ways, 4 patterns that we run when we're overriding ourselves, when we're afraid of how people are going to respond. And you want to find out your type, you can go to www.draziz.com and take a 2-minute quiz, and it'll tell you exactly what your primary approval type is, how it's showing up in your life, how it's predictive in your relationships, your workplace, and how to change that. There's an in-depth training they provide for free that goes into exactly how to shift it. So you can go check that out if you want to go deeper. But there's the diplomat type, and that's the person who softens everything that they say. And so sometimes they're doing the second step and they are communicating what they want, but they don't say, hey, can you take your shoes off? Or do you mind taking your shoes off when you come into the house? They do it so soft. They say, hey, um, I don't know, if you want, you could take your shoes off, but whatever feels comfortable for you. And the person's like, okay, I'll keep them on. And then we're like, meh, why did they— a disrespectful person, right? But did you see how I framed that? Because I was so afraid of upsetting them that I said it in a way that made it very unclear what I wanted, because I don't want to be a mean, dominant, controlling person. I got to be really flexible. I have no preferences. I have no boundaries. Whatever you want, man. That's another persona that we play to try to get love. Then after you've clearly communicated it, you've asked for it. Do we get everything we want in life? Does everybody say yes to all of our requests? No. I mean, maybe the shoes off one most people would. Someone might push back on it, but most people would. But there's a lot of gray areas in life. I don't want to get you that thing by Friday. That seems fast. How about by Monday? What? I need it by Friday now. They push back on you. So the third step is how do you hold your ground or stay in the conversation or communicate? How do you assert your needs yourself when there's pushback? And that's a big part of the training that I'm doing with clients, especially in my year-long mastermind training program. We just do lots of repetitions, roleplays, specific scenarios with family members, colleagues, coworkers. How do I hold my ground here? And they get to— we get to practice and train because that's a form of training. We can know, oh yeah, I should hold my ground. I should speak up for myself. We get in the moment and boom, that pattern, that diplomat pattern pattern kicks in, we soften it. The avoider pattern kicks in, we get quiet, we don't share anything. That must be trained. We have to be able to hold our ground, say what needs to be said, stand behind it, do it skillfully. We don't have to yell at them and tell them, "Get out of my house!" But at the same time, you could say, "Yeah, no, it's important to me. Can you please follow that when you're in my house?" We hold our ground. Then there's a fourth part to boundaries that a lot of people don't realize. A lot of people never get that far. I never did for many years. I never even did the first one. So why would you get to step 4? But what if you knew what your preference was, you communicated it skillfully, they pushed back and you held your ground and said, well, here's why I made my case, or I can't do that, but I can do this instead, whatever you did. And then they still aren't following it. What if they're just like, yeah, whatever, I still want to do what I want to do, or whatever, I'm not going to give you what you want. No, that's no. And just imagine the shoe example. No, I'm going to wear my shoes in your house. What a guest, by the way. And that is actually an important thing for you to see, because when it goes to that level 4, you want to have that internal sense of like, what the hell's going on here? What do you mean you're not going to wear your shoes in my house? Like, we want to have what I call a healthy level of entitlement. I am entitled to have people coming into my house in the way that I want. And you got to give yourself that permission. A lot of people undermine themselves. They say, well, I don't— who am I to demand that? That seems pretty— that's— am I being reasonable? I'm not. I shouldn't. I can't ask for that. And they take away their own healthy entitlement. And so that's why I'm using the silly shoe example, because you could say, wait a minute, that's pretty crazy for someone like, shut up, I want to wear my shoes in your house. And you know, right? Say, wait, hold on a second. That doesn't feel good to me. This is my house. That's the level. You hear that tone? Wait a minute. That doesn't feel right to me. Hey, you might not say it like that. You can find a different way to say it. But that's the energy underneath. And at that level, if they don't do what you're going to want, there's no middle ground there. Question I have for you is then what do you do? Do you compromise? Do you implode? Do you just say, ah, whatever you want, fine? Do you escalate? Do you flip over the table? People do all kinds of things here. The most powerful form of assertiveness though is to have there be some sort of, okay, if you continue to do that, then I must do this. It's a form of consequence. If you continue to talk to me that way, even though we've had this conversation 3 times, I'm going to leave the room when you talk to me that way. If you continue to treat me this way, I'm going to in this relationship, right? Whatever the if-then is, there must be an if-then. And sometimes we have to execute on that, and that's a form of the highest level of boundary. Because I might not be able to control you or change you, but I've communicated very clearly what I want. And now I'm going to— if you can't meet me there, if you can't honor that request or listen to me, and it's an important enough boundary for me, then I am responsible to take care of myself, to change the situation, to get out of the environment, to do something different. And that allows us to have freedom and power without needing to control the other person. Because maybe they don't— maybe they are going to be unreasonable. Have you ever come across some unreasonable people in life? They're everywhere out there. Look out. Never me though. I'm always the reasonable one. They're the unreasonable ones. So do you see how all of these steps only become possible when you have an internal sense of, wait a minute, of course I'm allowed to ask people to take their shoes off in my house. And you want to have that level of permission, of legitimacy to all kinds of things in your life, whatever preference is moving through you. And look, I'm not saying that just because I have a preference, everybody has to do it. That's unhealthy entitlement, but I have a right to listen to that preference and communicate it and ask for it and share it and maybe negotiate with somebody, hold my ground, and then see where we go from there. And one thing that's profound when I do this with people is they go from a sense of like, oh, it's not okay, and the fear and burden, body pain and all this stuff, to realizing as they train that in their body and their nervous system that it's safe and I'm allowed to do this, of course I'm allowed to have these preferences, they realize something magical. They get a lot more of what they want. People listen to you. People respect you more. Say, hey, can you take the shoes off my house? Oh, "Oh yeah, sure. Sorry, no problem." This happened just literally last week. A client in my mastermind was sharing that there were two instances where they held boundaries, communicated the preference, shared something, just the exact stuff that we're talking about. And both times the other people were, they weren't even aware and they're like, "Oh, oh yeah, you're right. My bad. Sorry." Both times. And it blew my client's mind because they're like, "Wait a minute, I never thought people would like apologize to me." Yeah, because you never carried yourself with that level of power and inner authority before because you never gave yourself that legitimacy. But when you do, everything unlocks.