Why People Don't Take You Seriously

You spoke up directly. You told the person, I need this thing by Friday. And they said, sure, I'll get it to you then. And then Friday rolls around and they don't have it. And they say, oh, I'm sorry, I got busy. And then you leave confused 'cause you did everything right. You told them what you wanted, you were clear, you had a direct request, they agreed. So what's happening here? Well, here's what almost no one is gonna tell you, that being direct is actually only one of the ingredients and there's a missing second ingredient. And if you don't have this, no matter how direct you are, people aren't gonna take you seriously. And this is one of the most frustrating things that I've experienced in my life that I help clients with. And they say, look, I'm finally being less nice. I'm finally speaking up for myself. It took a lot of courage. It was uncomfortable, but I'm doing it and it's still not working. And that's because they're missing this key ingredient. And that's what today is about. I'm gonna share exactly what's happening. And if you have had the frustrating experience of people not taking you seriously, it feels like you don't have much authority. This could be at work. You could even be in a leadership role and people that report to you still don't treat you with the level of respect that you'd want. This could be in your social life. This could be with your family. And the most frustrating part is you look at somebody else, a different person in the company, your partner, your spouse, somebody in your world, and people just seem to take them very seriously. They respect them. They make sure they follow up on their agreements. They are nervous or concerned if they're not going to hit that deadline for that person. And you're sitting there watching and saying like, wait a minute, what's happening here? What's the difference? That's what I'm going to show you now. And it can be a game changer for you in all areas of your life, especially in work, especially if you want to be more of a powerful leader in any domain of life. So here is the missing ingredient. Are you ready? It is being willing to make the other person uncomfortable. Now, I'm gonna explain this 'cause that might sound bad. You know, are you going to intentionally make someone uncomfortable or cause them suffering? No. But here's the unfortunate truth about human nature is that, look, everyone's got stuff they gotta do. You have a demand for them, you have a request for them. They're slotting in their mind, do I need to prioritize this? Maybe I don't wanna get that thing done by Friday. Maybe it's a lot of work. Maybe I don't wanna get that thing done by Friday. Maybe it's a lot of work. Maybe I got other stuff that's pressing in my life. And so then when I'm thinking, am I gonna get this done by Friday? Well, one thing I'm evaluating is what happens if I don't? Now I know my boss or my friend or my parent asked me to do it and I said I would, but I could probably make up a story, an excuse, and share why I can't do it. And people are prioritizing things in their life. And when someone is doing something for you or based on your request, they are running a little calculation. And look, they're not intentionally slighting you. It's just where do I put my energy? Where do I put my time? How much do I need to push through? my own resistance to get this done for this person. And a key part of that equation is that they have something inside of them that says, uh-oh, I don't wanna let this person down because that's going to be uncomfortable. Can you see this in your own experience? If you were to flip it around and look at who you prioritize, who you feel concerned about meeting the deadline or requests of, often on some level, it's uncomfortable for you to not meet that agreement or to let them down. And so the biggest challenge that I see with clients that I work with is they don't wanna make anyone uncomfortable. They don't want the other person to feel bad. They don't want to feel bad. They don't want there to be any friction or tension or temporary discomfort between people in their lives. And so back to that first question that I asked you: it's Friday, rolls around, person doesn't have it. If you were in that situation, what would you do? Would you bring it up? How would you bring it up? And these are important questions because I've seen it all and I've done it all being a formerly very nice person myself. One thing that I would do—a lot of clients that I work—they just run the avoider pattern. They just don't bring it up at all. Hey, I need this on Friday. Friday rolls around. Oh, I'm busy. Couldn't do it. Okay. And that's it. And then of course they leave and they're stewing and they're frustrated and this is stressful for me or I'm upset about it, but I don't say anything about it. Or you might run what's called the diplomat pattern. And that's where you do bring it up, but it is so softened, so gentle. Hey, what, so do you think maybe next Monday or what happened? Or is there anything I could do to support you in getting it done? And it almost makes it seem like it's your problem that they didn't get it done. Oh, whatever it takes, I'll help you out. Even if they're like someone reporting to you. Have you done this? And if you're curious, jeez, what pattern do I run? What's my type? You can check it out at my website. Go to www.draziz.com, that's D-R-A-Z-I-Z.com, and click on Discover Your Approval Type. And it's a hidden pattern that you run. There's only 4 of them. After working with thousands of people, I've seen this over almost 20 years of clinical experience. And you can find out your type in under 2 minutes, and then what's going on underneath the surface, what keeps it running, and how to change it. I have an in-depth free training all on my website. You can check that out now. But regardless of what pattern you run, If people aren't taking you seriously, I'm betting you're not running an effective pattern of creating discomfort in the moment. Because to have people take you seriously, to have that person be like, oh geez, I better get that to him by Friday or else, is not because if he doesn't get it to you or she doesn't follow through, you yell and scream, you flip the table, you berate them. That actually might seem like that's gonna get respect, but it doesn't. People might feel some fear, but they start planning their escape. They start having weird passive resistance against you because who wants to be treated that way? It doesn't work. There is a much more powerful direct method of creating that discomfort, and you're not doing it to be a mean person. You're doing it because you take your own requests seriously. They matter to me. And if we have an agreement that you're going to get me this thing by Friday— and this is just an example, right? There's a dozen or 100 other situations just like this, personally, professionally. But if we have an agreement and you don't do it, I'm going to address that. I'm going to confront that issue directly to solve that problem. And that directness, not just of the request but the follow-through, is going to probably cause some discomfort. So, the person says Friday. So, in that example, it's Friday that rolls around, the person says, oh, I got real busy. You say, oh, really? Look, all of a sudden my tone is indicating that's not okay, right? That's the energy you need to convey. This is not okay. And every nice bone in your body is gonna be like, it's okay, it's okay. You're gonna want to smile, you're gonna want to nod, you're gonna want to give them little thumbs up as they're talking. Don't feel You're not bad, buddy. You're okay. Your self-esteem's okay. You're not here to take care of everyone's self-esteem. You're not here to make sure that everyone always feels great, even when they failed to meet their agreement. You're here to confront the issue and solve the problem. And what's the problem here? The problem here is that it is not acceptable for people to make an agreement and then just not follow through. And we need to solve that problem so it doesn't keep happening. So that means they say, oh, I didn't get it done. I got busy. You say, really? That was a key piece of the puzzle. I needed that today. And now I'm not able to do X and Y. And that's going to impact the larger team in these ways. And then just be quiet and watch them, and they might start to shift. Oh no. Like, you don't rush in to save them. You just name the impact, you name the consequence, and then see if they come up with something. Well, geez, I think I could work on it and get it to you by tomorrow morning, right? See what they offer you instead of you rushing in to solve the problem. And this is not a script. This is just an example of how you might lean in, and there's gonna be some discomfort. And if they don't give you ideas, you start to say, hey, listen, we need this. What can you do? Let's say you come up with an agreement. Okay, I'll get it to you on Monday. And that works. Okay with that. You don't just walk away then. You stay in the discomfort and you say, okay, great, so that seems like a good solution for this time. And how do we prevent this from happening again? So the whole time I'm making it super clear that this is not okay to me. I'm not yelling, I'm not berating them, but my energy is very clear. There's a type of firmness to it. I might be connected to them, I'm still a human, and I'm firm. And that is another form of having a boundary. I'm reinforcing that when we have agreements, you meet them. Same thing for me. If I make an agreement with you, I'm gonna follow through on it. But that willingness, that behavior, what that does is it creates an aura of authority around you. Because authority doesn't come from your title, your job position, doesn't even come from years of experience. I've talked to a lot of people who have way more years of experience. There's someone way junior to them at a company, and because they're too nice, because they're not willing to be direct, they're not willing to hold someone accountable and have that moment of discomfort, there's people that are way younger, way less experienced, who treat the person with all the experience like, whatever, grandpa, get outta my way. And it's extremely frustrating, and they think it's about the other person. They think it's about the culture. They think it's about something other than me. And how I carry myself creates an aura around me that affects how people relate to me. And so if you want to have that aura of authority where people take you seriously, it starts with you taking your own requests seriously and that missing ingredient of being willing to confront the issue, solve the problem, and let other people be uncomfortable as you do so. So if you want to know how you can apply this, how you can build that capacity in yourself? Because it's one thing to talk about, it's another thing to actually be able to execute on it. This is something that I'm doing day in and day out with clients. One of the most powerful ways I work with people is in a 12-month mastermind training program. And this is definitely a training environment where you're not just talking about it and getting insight. We're actually week in and week out drilling something different into our body where we can actually withstand that discomfort, be willing to create discomfort when it's in the service of what you value, what's important to you, and who you really are. And that opens up incredible doors professionally, personally in your life for you to be the most bold, authentic authentic version of you. So if you're interested in that, you can also find out about that at www.drAziz.com, and then just click on the Work With Me tab, and you can find out all about the mastermind and how it works. In the meantime, I have a question for you before we complete. The next time someone doesn't take you seriously, they don't follow through on an agreement, they say, oh, maybe, I don't know, and wishy-washy, what are you gonna do?