3 Biggest Mistakes For Building Confidence

Yes, it's possible to build your confidence and do so quite quickly if you do it properly. But most people, when they try to build confidence on their own, they're making a lot of mistakes. Then they conclude, well, I guess I can't do this. I guess there is something wrong with me, I guess it's hopeless. So they just table it. And you try to live your life as best as you can with low confidence. This is coming from a guy who did that for at least 15 years of my life struggling with confidence. So let me share with you the three biggest mistakes that that you might be making that are blocking you from becoming a way more confident version of you. By the way, if you're enjoying this video, please click down below to give a thumbs up and subscribe for more videos just like this so you can learn how to become a more free, confident version of you. So the first mistake is you are unwilling to be uncomfortable. Unwilling to be uncomfortable. This might be a misunderstanding of how you build confidence. You may think confidence is just a matter of talking really positively to yourself, which can be helpful. We'll get into that in a minute. But at the end of the day, there is only one way to build confidence, which is to do the risks that make you uncomfortable, that challenge the voice in your head that says, it's impossible, I'm not enough, they're not going to like me. The only way to build the confidence is to take the action in the face of the risk consistently over time. And then you show yourself, you prove to yourself, I'm capable, I'm likable. This is a exposure method, or often gradual exposure. And I work with clients and it is a proven way to build confidence. I would say it is the only way to build confidence, but the problem is it's kind of like a form of fitness. So if you want to get stronger, you want to get faster, you want to do any sport better, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable at whether it's lifting or running a little faster, a little further or something. And if you never get uncomfortable, you never build the muscle, you never get stronger. Right? And it's the same thing with confidence. If you're unwilling to lean into that edge of like, oh, I don't want to go talk to that person, okay, fine, I won't. That's avoidance. And avoidance over time actually diminishes your confidence. And approaching taking the action, moving towards going on offense is what increases your confidence over time. So number one is you have to be willing to be uncomfortable. That doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up and make it this awful, grueling task. That's where gradual exposure is extremely helpful, where you build it a little bit at a time, just like fitness. And by the way, if you want a whole map on exactly how to do gradual exposure, including a ladder to victory as I call it, I have an entire set of courses inside of Confidence University that guides you through the entire process step by step with action steps, support and a monthly group coaching call and so much more. So if you want to check that out, click down in the description below or you can just type in theconfidenceuniversity.com Mistake number two is you try to motivate yourself to take action with harsh, perfectionist or self critical talk in your head. The best way to sum this up over after doing this with a lot of clients over the years, I often tell people you can't beat yourself into more confidence. So even if you're getting yourself to take more action, which was number one, right. Number two is you have to motivate yourself in a different way. Now most people don't even know how to do this. They have such a toxic inner critic that just is the normal story in their head. And so when they want to take action, they say, come on, what's wrong with you? And then even if you do take the action, that harsh criticism can say, I well, that wasn't enough. Oh, that didn't go very well. Ooh, that was embarrassing. You should never do that again. You're so awkward now. This just absolutely hemorrhages your progress because you don't even get to harness the confidence growth that can come from the wind. It's almost like going to the gym and working out and then doing something really toxic to your body like eating a bunch of junk food or doing something that damages your muscles. You instead want to celebrate the win. Like hey, I went and talked to that person. Maybe didn't go great, but hey, I'm taking action, right? You find a way to become supportive of yourself. I teach this in my book On My own side. If you haven't read that or there's a ton of other videos on this channel, just type in on my own side or almost or self esteem and you'll learn about how to shift that voice in your head. But if it's toxic and critical, no matter, all the action you could be taking in the world will not build confidence. Number three, man, this is like the pitfall for building any skill, muscle or capacity. It's A lack of consistency. I see this all the time. People get in a flurry, they watch some of my videos or they read one of my books and they're like, okay, I did a bunch of stuff and I'm like, awesome. What happened? Well, I felt more confident. Great. Then what? Well, then I stopped. Okay, why? I don't know. We all do that, right? Maybe you get out of pain, things are a little bit better. You get a girlfriend, you're like, oh, hey, I need to build this confidence stuff. But then you get all neurotic and jealous and feel insecure and don't want to meet her friends because you're anxious. And you didn't really solve the problem at the root because you just did a little bit to get in shape with your confidence. Enough just to get a girlfriend, for example. I've never done that myself. In any case, we have to stay consistent with it. And the best friend for consistency is a moderate approach. Doesn't have to be extreme or intense or overwhelming, just a little bit of action. Now, again, in Confidence University, there's a lot more nuance and detail here, but just a rule of thumb here for you is, I don't know, three times a week, can you lean into the discomfort three times a week? In what area? The area you want more confidence, Right. So if you want to get more conversational confidence, talking to strangers or colleagues at work that you don't know that well, well then do that three times a week. If you want to have more dating confidence, well, then practice connecting with people, putting yourself out there three times a week. Right. And that might not sound like that much. And it isn't because it doesn't have to be super intense. You want it to be sustainable over the long run. And that's the biggest downfall. With the inconsistency, people put a flurry of work in for a couple of weeks, maybe even a month, and they're like, I didn't achieve all my confidence dreams. I guess I'm just doomed for life. And you're not. It just takes months, like many months of practice. When I work with clients, I primarily work in a group format over a 12 month period. In a mastermind, that's a year. Why do we have it so long? Because I know that in a month or even a couple of months, if someone takes action, they're going to get some new results. That's not going to radically change things. It's not going to be as sustainable. So we want to have a long period of time to really retrain how you see yourself, your identity, and the actions you can take in the world. Which of these mistakes might you have been making and what are you going to do instead? Please comment in the chat down below. Let's all support each other. Let's all create a community to learn and grow, and most importantly, see that you're not alone until we speak again. We have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.