3 Body Language Secrets That Skyrocket Your Success With Women

Coming to you from the center for social confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Azeece.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be looking at your body language, how you can communicate non verbally in a way that's gonna be particularly powerful and effective, especially in the area of dating and relationships. Now the tips I'm gonna be giving you and suggesting are gonna be valuable in a lot of different settings, whether it's business, social life, meeting your girlfriend's parents. I mean, whatever it is, you can apply this stuff because these are universally valuable body language skills that communicate power, confidence, self assuredness, warmth, connectivity, and that leads to charisma and natural magnetism. So you can apply this anywhere. But we're going to be focusing a lot on the area of dating and relationships because this comes up a lot in guys that I work with who are focusing on meeting women, creating sustaining great relationships. So we're going to dive into powerful tips that you can use today to rapidly boost your body language and increase your success with women and with everyone in terms of better responses, more dates, better relationships, maybe even finding a girlfriend that you really connect with that you're the selector, you're choosing her. Maybe it's finding someone that you ultimately marry and settle down with. I mean, that's amazing. I can't say enough about how valuable these skills can be in creating that experience for you. So let's dive into it. Before we do. If you're getting a ton out of this show, I encourage you to go to itunes, inside of whatever, your phone or your computer and give it a ranking, give it a five star review and let others know how it's helping you because that actually helps me reach more people. And I would really appreciate that if you were able to do that because that's my mission is to reach as many people. I want to reach that guy who is like on his computer who's like, it's never going to work. I'm a loser and I want to like, maybe he'll just see it in itunes or something will happen and then he'll realize he can shift because I'm trying to reach me 15 years ago. So thanks for helping me with that. You can do that now or at the end of the show and you can also go to shrinkforthshyguy.com to get show notes. If I interview someone, there's a bunch of stuff there about how to Access them as well as a transcript of the episode. Good God. I don't know why you'd want to read that, but you could. It's all there@shrinkforthshyguy.com and facebook.com SocialConfidence to jump into the conversation. Okay, let's dive into body language. So body language is huge. It communicates so much. Just earlier, was it yesterday? Actually, in the afternoon, I was working with a client, and we were working on how to have better conversations with everyone, but especially with women. And. And we started out on the skill of small talk. Okay, so he initiated a conversation with her. That's half the battle. That's good. He walked over to her and said it was like a yoga class. And I was like, well, how was the yoga class? Did you enjoy the yoga class? Said something like that. Awesome. That is step one, Go, initiate. And then we started to get into, well, what if she didn't give a very wordy response? How. How do you still keep the conversation going? How do you know what to say next? So on and so forth. And so we started focusing on that. But then I had a little bit of an intuition, and I was like, how were you? Let's talk about the basics. When you first opened your mouth to talk to her, were you looking at her? Did you sustain eye contact? How did you walk over towards her? How were you standing? I started asking all these questions to try to figure out his body language because that, you know, before you even open your mouth, you're communicating a ton about how you see yourself, how desirable you are, whether you're interested in her, what signals you're giving. And it is all happening. You're doing it mostly unconsciously. She's receiving it mostly unconsciously, and it's impacting how she feels towards you. So we want to explore how to enhance this, to really increase. Because it doesn't what you say. You can say the best things in the world, but if your body language is all torqued out and it's really closed off and nervous and just sending all these other signals, then the words aren't going to help you. So we got to focus on the body language. So what is that? Let's look at the basics here. Let's start with the most. The fundamentals. You got to work on the fundamentals. So eye contact, super essential, super basic, incredibly important. So when you're walking over to a woman and you're starting to talk with her, you want to be looking her in the eyes and not looking away a whole lot. Now I know that might seem simple or obvious, but simple doesn't mean easy, and obvious doesn't mean we do it all the time. I mean, I probably knew this when I was younger and really struggling. It's like, yeah. If someone were to ask me abstractly, Aziz, is eye contact good or not good? And then I would say, well, it's probably good. Now, does that mean I would do it with an attractive woman? No, no, no, no, no. I'd like look over at her from across the room, wouldn't be approaching her. And then if she looked at me, I'd look away real quick or I'd be kind of shifty eyed or I'd look down a lot if I was talking to a woman. So I. So eye contact is incredibly important and we want to be able to have strong, solid eye contact with her as you're talking to her, as you're walking up towards her, as you're listening to her say something. You don't want to be looking all around the room as you're talking. You don't have to stare 100% of the time at her in the eyes as you're talking. It's natural to kind of look away for a second or two as you're gathering your thoughts and. But 95% of the time when you're talking, you want to be looking at her. And when you're listening to her, you want to be looking at her almost the entire time. So what you want to do is you want to be able to build that ability because it's easier said than done, isn't it? I mean, that reflex to look away, to be shifty at, it's like, I'm nervous. I can't. It's so uncomfortable. We need to build that muscle. And I'm going to share a few of the other basics of the actual body language, what to do, and then we're going to talk more about how to do it. I mean, just focusing on this in this episode might give you the motivation, strength, confidence to go start doing it more, the encouragement. But we're also going to look at some of the really basic ways to start building it, how to remove the obstacles that might stop you from doing it right now. But let's cover a few of the basic fundamentals and then we'll look at how to do it. So sustained eye contact with her. Another really basic one is walk right towards her when you're going to go talk to her. And this is true for anyone. As I said, this applies. So if you're going to go talk to someone in a networking event. Walk right towards them. Don't do the. I used to do this so much. It's like I'm going to skirt around the room. I'm going to snake my way over this way and that way and kind of keep her in my awareness. But I'm not actually going to go directly and talk to her. I'm going to pretend like I'm going somewhere nearby and stand there looking at the bowl of fruit. That's what I came over here for, is to grab some figs, put them in this bowl very slowly while I stand near you, and then turn and pounce. So that does not work nearly as well as walking directly towards her. Just beeline, there she is. Oh, I'm gonna go talk to her. Boom. Walking directly towards her. Another really powerful tip, another incredibly powerful tip about your body language is how are you standing as you move towards her? Are you shoulders slumped? Is your head down? Are you kind of shuffling towards her? Are your hands in your pockets? These are really small, simple things, but they add up. If you combine those things of head down, shuffling around, walking around the room eight times before you talk to her and then looking away a lot as you talk to her and looking down, your chances of her being really excited to talk with you and seeing you as a dateable, attractive, powerful man that she wants to sleep with is very, very low. Could happen, but your odds are decreased tenfold. And they don't have to be, because that has nothing to do with the stories that we tell ourselves. Like, oh, women don't like me because I'm a weirdo, or I have this problem, or I'm ugly in this way, or I'm bald, or I don't make enough money, or all these stories. And it's not that it's a collection of all the little things that you do or don't do. And you can shift all those fast. And we're going to talk about how to do that. In fact, now you have a general sense of how to do it. And this might not be new to you. You might hear everything I'm saying and be like, yep, I already know that. And great knowing intellectually is the first step. But if you're not doing it regularly, then you don't know it in your body, you don't know it in your core. You just know it as like a mental concept which is not going to get you anywhere. That's not going to get you great conversations with women. That's not going to get you phone numbers. It's not going to get you dates. That's not going to get you great sexual experiences. And finding an amazing woman that you love, doing it, knowing it in your body is what's going to get you those things. So we're going to take a quick break and then we're going to dive in. Exactly how to do it. We're going to look at what stops us, what the fears are, how to break through those, and then how to start really showing up boldly, strongly, fully in our bodies. And then, man, watch what happens as you do that. We'll be right back right after this. Hey, it's Dr. Aziz here. And I'm sure by now you've heard about my unstoppable confidence mastermind. Groups where we take eight guys who are held back in some way. Maybe they're not having the relationship success that they want. The dating confidence, the ability to speak up and just own it at work or increase their sales. There's some level of self doubt that's holding them back and we help you just obliterate that so you can move towards what you want in a truly unstoppable way. And the results have been phenomenal in seeing the people that go through this group. And here's why it's so powerful. Because you step up and you say, I'm gonna do this for six months. You also get around other people and that inspires you like nobody's business. It's not just you and you in your own head. You get support from each other, you get inspired, you get encouraged, you get challenged sometimes. And that's what helps you really break through to the next level. Then on top of that, not only are we talking regularly on the phone so you can do it from anywhere in the country, anywhere in the world. We also meet for two and a half days in person in Portland and have a really intensive experience that's like diving deep into whatever's stopping you and then just shredding it so you can move forward faster than ever before. And as I said, the results have been phenomenal. It's been amazing to watch the guys grow so quickly. I've been shocked at how fast people can grow, especially with those weekend intensives. So if you really want to jump on board with this, I would love to talk to you more about it. Go to social confidencecenter.com mastermind that's socialconfidencecenter.com mastermind. Welcome back. So what stops you from sustaining eye contact, walking directly towards a woman, and being Fully upright in your body, tall, strong, centered. What might get in the way? Well, the biggest thing for most guys and for myself was fear. I'm afraid. And, you know, we have tons of ways of subtly avoiding what we're scared of. So the most obvious and direct and complete way to avoid would just be to not look at her, not talk to her, not interact with her anyway, and then go home and beat yourself up a bunch. I did that one many, many days and nights over many, many months and years. It's a pretty miserable pattern. So let's shift that. Let's look at what's getting in the way. So it's fear. And we could totally avoid the whole situation. But the next level of avoidance is, okay, I'm going to move towards her, but I'm still going to kind of avoid, Right? So when we're not looking at her fully, when we're walking around the room before talking to her, when we're kind of hunching our shoulders and we're still, we have like one foot in and one foot out. Like, we're trying to avoid still we're trying to have a smooth exit, a safe cover story. So if she rejects us, which was that, that's what we're really scared of, Right? You're not scared of. Well, we might be scared of her saying yes. I know, I was too crazy. I'm crazy, right? I'm terrified of her rejecting me. And then I start talking to women and they say yes. And I'm terrified of them saying yes. Ah, so much to heal, so much to work through. But we're usually more scared of the rejection than we are of the yes. We're excited at the yes at first, and then we get scared later. Oh, what if I mess it up? What if I lose it? What if she sees that I'm not good enough in my core? Right? But we're usually more scared of the rejection in the beginning stage here. And so we're trying to avoid that while still approaching her. It's a funny little game we play. So we want to have a cover story. Like, I'm walking towards her, but I'm not walking directly towards her. I'm walking to the fruit bowl nearby her slowly. Then on the off chance if somehow she rejects me or walks away and doesn't want to talk to me, I could be like, I wasn't here to talk to you. I was here to get some strawberries and cantaloupe. And we have this cover story, save face. Or if we're not making much eye contact with her, then on some level we're not. We feel like we're more protected. We don't connect as much. We're not putting ourselves out there as much. And so if she says no or rejects us, then it will maybe hurt less. And same thing with hunched shoulders. That's actually an unconscious way. We're trying to kind of, in fact, do that right now. Hunch your shoulders in a lot. Do you notice how it kind of brings your chest together and. And can tighten your stomach a little bit? It actually creates a bit of a physical barrier around our chest. And so we want to protect ourselves in that way physically. So these are all ways that we're trying to subtly protect ourselves from the pain of rejection. And we do that with our body language. We do that in dozens of other ways. But then what does that leave us with? Well, we're not. I mean, does it still hurt when you get rejected? And does it really protect you? Does it increase the chances that you are going to get rejected? Unfortunately, so. So we have to be able to face this in order to break free. So how do we do that? How do we make that shift from trying to protect ourselves and being guarded and defended, which doesn't really work out in any way, doesn't get what we want. How do we shift from that to being more bold, open, authentic, confident, just going after what we want? Well, the first thing, I'm gonna share a bunch after the break, but I'm gonna share one thing right now, which is you gotta be willing to fall down. If you wanna learn to walk, you gotta be willing to fall down. Wanna learn to ride a bike, you gotta be willing to fall off. If you wanna learn how to swim, you gotta be willing to maybe swallow some water. I mean, you cannot fill that with as many cliches as you want. If you want to make an omelet, you got to break some eggs, right? But that's the truth. We're going to get rejected. I mean, if you spend your whole life trying to avoid rejection, you are going to avoid connection, avoid love, avoid confidence, avoid self esteem, avoid feeling proud, avoid doing what you're here to do, following your purpose in life, feeling alive and passionate and really happy to be alive. You're going to avoid all of that if you spend your life trying to avoid rejection. So we got to face it, we got to say, bring it on. That doesn't mean I want to get 100 rejections in a row. Good God, that's hard. It's painful, it's not easy. It's not fun. It's not like, yes, I'm just going to drink in 30 rejections today. Yeah, it's like going to Disneyland. No, it's hard. It's uncomfortable. But we have to be willing to face it, to feel it, and to break through it, because the more you do that, the more you face it and feel it and break through it, the more you have tolerance to it, the more it doesn't affect you so much, the more it doesn't terrify you so much, the more you realize you can handle it and become stronger and move forward faster because you're no longer crippling yourself with this fear of rejection. And if you want to learn how to rocket fuel that stuff, I highly recommend either getting Confidence Unleashed, which will just help you blast through rejection like nobody's business, or the Confidence Code, which will help you heal up all that inner stuff that happens after you get rejected. Both programs can do that. So, I mean, if you really want to master this area, which is going to help you accelerate your confidence faster than anything, one of those programs could help. But let's take a quick break right now, and when we get back, we're going to look at how to approach in a way that is what is the alternative to being defended and guarded. We're gonna look at what that is and how you can start doing it today and then noticing the results in your life. We'll be right back right after this.

Are you sure about this, J dawg? This line to get in is so long. I know, man. I already told you, we don't need to get in. All the ladies we could ever want are. Are here outside of the club. Check it. Hey, ladies, what's up?

Ew. Don't talk to us.

See what I'm talking about, man? They're everywhere and looking to hook up. Look over there. You see that girl standing all by herself? Go talk to her, man. Oh, come on, Wizzy. You got this.

All right. Hey, what's up?

Uh, hey there.

You want to come back into the corner and hang out with me and my friend?

No. I mean, no, thanks. I'm waiting for a friend. I have to go stand somewhere else now.

What happened, man?

She didn't want to hang out?

Forget about it, man.

We got all night. Tired of struggling to meet women and go on dates? Are you ready to get this part of your life really handled? If you go to 30days to datingmastery.com, you can get a free ebook I've written called 7 Ways to Start conversations with women anywhere, anytime. It'll give you guidance on how to build your confidence, how to connect with women in a variety of settings, and to do that all by being yourself without weird pickup lines or game tactics. So go to 30daystodatingmastery.com now to get your ebook and find out how to transform this area of your life. All right, welcome back. So how do we show up? What's the alternative to being guarded, defended? It is being fully open about, yes, this is my intention. I want to talk to you. Let's use the dating example because we've been focusing on that in this episode. So when you walk towards her, you walk directly towards her. And yes, when you do that, you know what that is saying with your body language, that's saying, I'm coming to talk to you. It's communicating. I'm interested in talking to you. Might be interested in you as well. I like you. I might like you. That's what we're communicating when we walk directly over to someone, like, ooh, I want to talk to that person. And that can be scary. It could feel like we're putting ourselves out there. But you know what? This is helpful to realize if you put yourself in their shoes and if someone were to say to you after talking to you for a minute, you know, you're really interesting to talk to. You got a lot of interesting stuff to say. I think you're a fascinating person. I really like you. Do you think that would open you up more? Do you think you feel more relaxed, confident? Do you think you feel better about yourself? Yeah. I mean, unless you got some sort of weird inner confidence compliment deflecting system where someone gives you a compliment and you're like, they're just saying that. They really think the opposite. They feel sorry for me. I'm a loser. If you're running that pattern, then no. But for the most part, if we let it in, we'll feel good. And so when you communicate that to someone, even an attractive woman. Yes. Attractive women also feel insecure and also relax internally when they know someone is interested in them, wants to talk to them. And when you do that, it relaxes her. So it's a very powerful message and it's fascinating to watch. I love watching my son zaim, who's about 21 months now, so a little under 2 years old right now. And his style is baller. What he does is he does this with little boys and little girls. He sees a little kid, and if he's feeling social, which is a lot of the time, he'll just walk right over to them and stand like, three inches from them and kind of look up at them. Or he'll grab their hands and try to, like, say, hey, let's go over here. Or he'll just walk up and give them a hug. I mean, it is ridiculous. It is adorable. And some kids respond really positively. Like, they're like, oh, great, let's go run and play. And some kids are like. And they run to their parent, like, get away from me. And then he's like, all right, just keeps going. He's, like, impervious to rejection. He's invincible to rejection. And you know what? If he were to approach five kids like that, maybe two of them, two or three would not be into it, and two or three would be into it. So if he wanted someone to play with and he were to approach five kids and he would do it one after another. I have a video I took at some. We were at some old timey railroad station thing out in California, and there's a steam engine train, these big redwood trees, really gorgeous place. A lot of kids running around. And at this video, there's this older kid, like maybe six or seven, who Zaim goes up to him, pulls the standard Zaim move, which is like, I'm coming over to talk to you. Well, not talk, but, you know, I'm coming over to touch you. And he goes over, and the kid's sitting down inside this little barn. Kid. Barn structure. And he sits down next to him and he puts his head on his shoulder and wraps his arms around him. It was painfully cute. And then the other kid's parent is like, oh, you know, Jeff. I don't know the kid's name. Little Jeff. Did you make a new friend? And guess what Jeff said? He, like, furrowed his brow and frowned and, like, moved away from Zaim and said, no. And you know what I thought? This little kid's a dick. No. I just sat there watching, but I was kind of like, oh. Oh. I was like, he rejected my son, little Dick. But Zaim was impervious. And then the kid stood up and guess what Zaim did? He got up and he, like, grabbed him again. And then the kid started to run away. And then Zaim chased him. And then the kid loved it. And they were laughing and playing, and they did that. I was recording the whole thing. It was about 45 seconds. And then in the middle of chasing that kid, he turns and he sees another little kid. And he runs over to him and grabs that kid. Now that kid just sort of stood there for 10 seconds while he touched him or her, I don't know what his little indecipherable gender baby. And then that kid went to its mother and kind of was like, eh. And the mom's like, are you feeling shy? So what's the point of this story? What would your life be like if you showed up more like that? What if you just moved right towards that person? Yes, I want to talk to you. That's what he is just emitting on all cylinders. And some kids are into it, some kids are not. They're not. He moves on to the next one. What would your life be like if you could show up more like that with your body language, like, hey, I'm here to talk to you. And you show up that way with your eye contact too, like, hey, I'm here to look at you. And really when you're looking at someone, you want to take them in. So you want to be. You're going to go talk to a woman, look at her eyes as you interact with her, look at her face, look at, you know, use your peripheral vision to look at the surrounding area as well, taking in the nuances of her hair and looking at the subtleties of her face. Does she seem stressed? Does she seem tired? Does she seem happy? Does she seem nervous? Is she excited? You start to notice the facial expressions. Just really be paying more attention to that and really taking in your senses, what you see, what you hear, what you feel, and less running in your head. What am I going to say next? What's the right thing to say? How do I impress this person? Because when you can show up with that full, powerful presence that's communicated not with your head or even the words that you use, but with your body and your presence that gets a thousand fold better response from women. So the more you can apply this in them life, the more you're going to see these shifts. Let's actually dive into how you can apply this in your life today. And we're going to do that with your action step. Time for action. So your action step for today is to pick one of the things. Now I offered many different things and you could go, go out and try a lot of them, but start with one. Because if we say, okay, I'm gonna improve my eye contact, I'm rock right towards women, I'm starting conversations with him, I'm gonna stand up taller, I'm gonna move my shoulders, I'm gonna take deeper breaths, gonna be more present, make better, you know, Awareness of my peripheral vision. I remember I had a client who, as we worked together after, like, two or three months, he had like, a list of, like, 18 things he was gonna do every day to build his confidence. And he's like, aziz, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm like, huh? I couldn't possibly see why. Maybe you need 24 things on your list. Maybe you don't have enough. And he laughed. And then we started looking at that and we pared it down. Like, let's just figure out one thing that you can focus on more than any other. And it's the same thing here. So just pick one thing. Maybe it's eye contact. Maybe it's standing up a bit taller. Maybe it's walking directly towards and getting inspired by Zaim and all little children's courage and boldness and willingness to just put themselves and their hearts out there. So what is that one thing for you? Just deciding right now, Whatever you decide is the right thing. And decide I'm going to do that this week. I'm just going to do that as frequently as I can, as much as I can. That's going to be my sole focus. I'm going to optimize this week for eye contact or for walking directly towards the people that I want to go talk to and not skirting around the issue. Good. So choosing that thing, committing inside yourself, deciding. And when you do that, when you go take that action, that's how you're gonna build these muscles. Because these body skills are a muscle that eye contact is a muscle. If you can't do it, I mean, if you haven't done it much and you're not able to really, it feels like it's out of your control. Like I just look away before I can practice. That's what it's gonna take. It's a muscle. The more you do it, the more committed and decided you are to do it, the better you're going to get. There's a ton more about that. But go apply these things in your life. Let me know how it's going. Go to facebook.com SocialConfidence to join into the conversation there. And I can't wait to hear from you. I can't wait to speak with you and maybe even one day see you in person and work with you in a group or a mastermind or a live event or something like that. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free. Blogs, e books and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.