3 Mistakes That Nice People Make Every Day

There are three mistakes that nice people make every day, probably more than that. We're going to cover the biggest three in today's video, and you're going to see what you've been doing and most importantly, how you can Change it. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of center for Social Confidence and best selling author of five books on confidence, including not nice, which. You haven't read that? Check that one out. Guide you through the whole process of how to go from a nice, pleasing, unassertive doormat with I lived as many years, and to shifting that to being more bold and free and expressive and really, truly seeing that the opposite of nice is not to be a jerk. The opposite of nice is to be authentically, boldly yourself. So let's talk about that, because there's three mistakes that you might be making right now. I want to highlight them for you, and you can shift them quickly. Now, these are stories you tell yourself, beliefs that you're living by a worldview, basically, that's making the world appear a certain way, and then you behave based upon that worldview. And. And it's probably not serving you. Number one mistake of nice people is they believe that you matter more than me. You matter more than me. What you want matters more than what I want. What you need matters more than what I need. Just in general, you matter more. And if you were to challenge that and say, wait a minute, maybe I matter more than you. Ooh, you say that to a nice person. Even just hearing that, you might be, like, cringing, your ribs might be collapsing, like, oh, my God. Oh, that's. No, no, no, no. How bad to say it's even bad to think that. Shame on you. I'm a good little boy. I'm a good girl. I'm selfless. And that's what the person who is over nice is trying to do. They're trying to be selfless. They're trying to be all over the altruistic. They're trying to be a good person, and then they end up being too far on the selfish spectrum. You know, one side of the selfish spectrum is raging egomaniac terrorizer who's only focused on themselves. Narcissistic. Right? You. You think that's the bad guy? What about the exact opposite? Equally bad extremes in life are generally problematic. Right? If you're extreme, like, I'm going to eat way more than I need, then you'll become obese. I'm going to eat nothing. Well, unless it's a controlled fast or something like that. After a while, that's going to mess you up just as much, if not more, right? So you got to eat food. Not too much, Right? The quote from Michael Pollan's book, so balance in life and finding that middle way is way more effective than the extremes. Nice. People go to the extreme of selflessness. You matter more than me. I don't matter at all. And that is a life of suffering. You can't advocate for yourself. You can't speak up for yourself. You can't say no. You can't even factor yourself into the equation when it comes to what you want and making decisions in your life, and you end up in bad situations. I see clients in bad situations all the time. Bad workplace environments, abusive workplace environments, bad relationships, bad family situations where they're just taking criticism and judgment and abuse. And you got to wake up and you say, wait a minute. I matter at least as much as you. And honestly, in my reality, maybe I matter more. Maybe my needs matter more to me than someone else's. And I'm not saying you always go crazy selfish, but you got to be able to turn that dial up to at least a healthy middle. Okay, that's the first mistake. Mistake number two is your perception is more real than mine. The way you see things is right. And the way that I see things, it's foolish. It's stupid. There's nothing to stand on there. It feels weak, right? So if you think that tomatoes are the greatest, I should probably think that, too. You might say, no, I don't do that, Aziz. I'm not that much of a pleaser. Oh, yeah. When I was really in the throes of niceness, I remember someone, we get out of a movie, a movie theater, right? You'd watch a movie with a friend or something, and you come out and they say, what did you think? And I'd say, what do you think? Right? Because if they loved it and I say, I thought that sucked, then that's how mean I'd hurt their feelings, right? Or if they hated it and I said I thought it was great, then I'm foolish. I'm an idiot. So somehow my perception has to map on with your perception. And worse is, let's say you judge me and you say, oh, this guy is blank. Stupid, selfish, bad, wrong, arrogant. Now that is true. It doesn't matter what I think. You know, maybe I say, wait a minute, I'm not arrogant or I'm not that I know who I am. No nice person can't do that because that involves a little Bit of ego strength, a little bit of confrontation, right? No, I just got to flop over and say, well, whatever you think is real. Oh, my gosh, I'm so scared of your judgment. Whatever your judgment is, it's got to be more real than mine. So when I coach people on this, I help them find their own reality. I was just doing this the other day with a client, and he had some experience from his past where someone had accused him of something and he didn't do. And then other people got upset with him, and he was so stressed out about it. Like, oh, my gosh, all these people think this about me. I'm like, hold on a second, hold on a second. You know what happened in that room? What is your story? What is your reality? And as soon as you describe it, I was like, okay, so whatever they're going to perceive, do you know what happened in that room? And I was helping him ground in his own perception because other people's opinions is like a storm swirling around you. One day it's going to be rainy. One day it's going to be sunny, then it's snowing, and then it's windy. And if you're trying to base everything on that, you're going to be totally lost and disconnected from yourself. So you got to find that inner strength that's owning your perception. All right? Mistake number three that nice people make on a daily basis is this story in your mind. Confrontation will kill me. Now, you don't literally believe that, but you emotionally behave as if that is true. Confrontation will kill me. From the smallest confrontation to say, hey, my order was supposed to have this, and it has that. Can I get a new one? To a larger confrontation. I don't want to work with you anymore. I need a change here. When's my bonus coming? It's supposed to come at the end of the month. I haven't heard anything about it. I'm not saying you say it just like that, like, hey, what's up, boss? When's my bonus? You know? No, but you say, hey, listen, my understanding is that by the 30th, we're going to get the bonus. It's the 28th. I haven't heard anything. I wanted to follow up and get clarity, right? Unapologetic, clear, direct. It's a small confrontation, then there's a bigger confrontation, right? Like, I want to break up, or, I don't like the way you're doing this, or, we got it. This doesn't work for me. We got to change this. And nice people Think or behave as if that's going to kill you. And it's not. And the only way to find out that it's not is guess what? To get into a lot of confrontations, which is what my Mastermind program, I'm teaching about working with people for a year over 12 months, right? And that's one of the biggest practices that we're doing. What actions did you take? What confrontations did you have? I don't even care how they went. It's like, oh my gosh, it felt really bad. Great. It went great. I was really, I was successful at it. Great. I don't care. I just want you to get into a lot of them because I know that over time you're going to get stronger and even if it feels bad, it's good for you. It's good medicine. So that, my friend, are the three mistakes of nice people. See if you can check off the box for one, two or all three. And if you're doing these things and this is resonating for you, then you got to go further with this. You got to make these changes. They won't happen on their own. If you like me to be a guide or support in that, Definitely go to draziz.com that'S-R-A Z I Z.com and check out the mastermind program. It's a 12 month, absolutely life changing program. You can watch videos of some of the former students there. We've had hundreds of people go through that program over the last eight years and it's produced radical and rapid changes from people who are shy, overly nice, overly pleasing to being bold, assertive and powerful humans. So if you're interested in that, check out the website and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and know on a deep level that you're awesome.