3 Reasons You Feel (Pretty Much) The Same

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, as we get close to the end of the year, happy holidays, by the way. Happy very soon to be new year for you. And maybe you're listening to this in the brand new year, in which case, welcome to 2024. Whew. But I want to share something that's gonna be really useful for you, especially looking ahead to this new year. And you know, if you're listening to the show, there is some way that you know that more is possible for you. More confidence, more social confidence, more self esteem, more belief in yourself. And then all the things that can come from that, right? Like more connections, better relationships, deeper friendships, more ease around people, more dates, more social life at work. I mean, there's so many ways that this can impact your life. And you know, you're listening to this show for a set of reasons. And I want to share the three biggest reasons why. If you, if you're honest with yourself and you're like, I kind of feel the sort of the same as the beginning of this year. Like, I want to say that there's been some growth and some changes and stuff, but it mostly sort of feels like it's just the same. I want to share the three biggest reasons why that is so that it can be really different in 2024. And you don't just have a feeling like 2024 is going to be kind of the same as 2023, no matter what I tell myself. And as you'll see, that's part of the problem and that's discouraging. And that's also part of the problem, as you'll see. So you ready? Let's dive into it. The first mistake that keeps you feeling the same is the story that you weave, the evidence that you pull together to convince yourself that you're the same. Another way to say that is certainty that you're the same. May so. Well, yeah, that's what you were just telling me. Aziz and I do feel the same, that things haven't changed very much and it's because I'm not doing enough or because of this or because of that, whatever your theories are, and we'll get to that, don't worry, I got things for you. But before any of those things is, we have to see that that's not true, that you're not the same now as you were a year ago, even if it feels like you're stagnant or stuck in different areas. And the reason that we need to see that that's not true is because you need fuel to make changes. And this is what I see all the time. And I'm working with people, you know, week in and week out. And so I'm seeing exactly how this actually plays out in practice. This isn't just theory. And what I see is that people who are taking action, who are engaging in the process of transformation effectively. Whereas if I were to say, you know what, I think this is good, this is working for them, they can come to me on any given call in the Mastermind program or one on one coaching, whatever it is, and they'll say, yeah, you know, yeah, that's not much happening for me and we'll start to explore it. And that's not true. What's happening is they have a mis. Well, two things. One is they have an unrealistic expectation of how growth is going to work. Where, let's say you take the risk and you go to the party or the gathering and you interact with some people there. And in the past, you would have avoided it. Right? That's you engaging in the process of transformation. It's incremental. It occurs over time. It's not a light bulb moment. Now we want it to be this, wow, I was one way and now I'm different forever. And you might feel like that, but for that to actually be true and sustainable, that's on the. That's at the coattails of months of effort and practice and action and daily risks. So this client might say, well, I did went to the party, but I was, you know, I wasn't that outgoing. I was a little awkward when I talked to some people. And so I'm there. I'm the same darn person I was. And I get it. It's frustrating. You want to show up and just be totally different. But showing up is how you're in the process of becoming different, right? Because if you didn't go at all, then you would not Be having any opportunity to grow. And that's what you used to do in the past, so giving credit where you're doing it. Which is why I wrote what I think is one of my best books. And it turns out it's my least popular book. So maybe you should buy a copy for this new year and boost those sales. But it'll really help you, too. It's 100 wins in 100 days. I think it's the title I was talking to. I have a client, a one on one client who freaking loves that book. He's like, this is the most genius book I've ever read. It's totally changed my life. I mean, the coaching is great too, Aziz, but the book, this is where it's at. And I was like, yeah, I know. It's the least selling. Like, what do you think? What's up with that? And he's like, you know, honestly, the title, I mean, a hundred days, that sounds like a long time. I want it now. It's like, all right, all right. A rebrand might be in the works. Got to figure out freaking how to change the title and all that stuff. So in any case, 100 wins in a hundred days. How to feel like a winner now, how to win today, how to win every day. Ooh, ooh, that's a better title. You like that? One more. Anyway, check it out. It's really short, it's really easy. And what it's going to do is it's going to help you fuel yourself with your wins and really seeing them daily and feeling them and feeling energized by them, then. Then you can tweak and look at how to optimize. So the metaphor I used with this client was I'm a, you know, I like to use my body, running the gym, that sort of thing. And one of the things that it took a while for my friend and strength coach, trainer Josh, to took a while for it to settle in. In fact, I worked with him for. I worked for him for about a year and a half, about four, four to five years ago, and made a lot of progress. But a lot of. A lot of the wisdom he was sharing with me didn't sink in. And now I'm doing another course of training with him. And it's like, what he's saying, I actually hear it and apply it now as opposed to just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the faster way? And one of his big things is you just show up and some days you crush it in the gym, and some Days you feel kind of just weak and lazy, and you just still go through the motions. And going through the motions is actually a really important part of the process because you don't break that momentum. And you are committed to just showing up. You're not. You're not. It doesn't need to be this extraordinary breakthrough day every time. And that's really how this process works. So I said, just go to the party. Just take the risk, do it scared, do it messy, do it imperfectly, but keep doing it. Because what happens is if you leave the party and you're like, oh, I suck. I didn't do it well. I didn't do it good enough, you're not fueled to go do it again. That's just the safety police and the old propaganda trying to stop you. And if you haven't listened to the last episode about the confidence revolution, your confidence revolution, I highly recommend listening to that one because it'll give you a powerful metaphor to see how. What's happening inside you and why. The forces inside of you, part of them, part of you, wants to keep you stuck and where you are, keep things safe and certain. So we gotta give ourselves the credit, give ourselves the fuel to then go out there and do it again. And then you can learn. Okay, I'm at the party and I'm a little stilted or awkward. Great. That's level two. You get to solve level two. Every problem has a solution, so you solve level one by getting there. And then level two is like, how do I be more myself when I'm there? There's tons of strategies for there, but you can't practice level two when you're at home on your couch. You can only practice it in the moment. So that's one of the biggest things. Because if you tell yourself, I'm the same as I was at the beginning of the year, then what's happening is you are future pacing, that you're going to be the same at the end of 2024. Which is kind of depressing, isn't it? I don't think it's true. Fortunately, it's not true. So got to give ourselves credit along the way. It's mistake number one is just sucking all the life out of the process by telling yourself, that wasn't enough. I'm going to be the same. It's always going to be the same. I can't change. And so if you look at 2024 and there's a part of you is like, yeah, it's going to be the same, doesn't matter what I do. Honestly. Are you telling yourself that? Because if you're telling yourself that and you're buying it, I mean that, that control seeking regime inside of your head can tell you a bunch of garbage. But if you buy it. Right. Have you ever been in a situation? I certainly haven't. Depends on what country you're in. In the United States where there's an official message from the government or some branch of the government. And I'm like, I don't, this isn't true. This is about a certain agenda that they want to put forth and I'm not going to share specific ones here just to not go down that rabbit hole. But there's a number of things that, I mean, I inherently am skeptical about the messaging of the government. I don't think it's there for the peace and love and we care about every person in this country. It's much more about control and order and power and serving different interests of power. So good or bad, I'm not, I'm not putting a value judgment on it. That's just how I perceive it. And so when they send a message out like, this is for your good, everybody. I'm like, nah, this is for our good. Right. Or I question that same thing with that inner voice and say, you're going to stay the same all next year. It's like, I question that, you know, I dissent inside my head. No, thank you, sir. And now you're going to create a new year because you're challenging that. All right, mistake number two. And this is again real life experience of observing people who are truly desiring to make this change and why some of them make it more than others. And some people stay stuck. And some people have extraordinary, revolutionary life changing shifts in months. The biggest mistake is slowing the process down through long refresh rates, long bouts in between attempts, spurts and fits and starts. Think about it like the gym again. You know, you work out real hard for two weeks and you don't work out for a month, not much progress. You work out once every two weeks, not much progress. Right. What's needed? Consistency, sustainably, going at an ongoing rate again and again and again and again and again and again and again. I can give you hundreds of examples of seeing this real time. So there's a person who wants to become more socially confident and they're just like, I don't know, I don't have the time to go out there. Or it's hard to go out there, I'm not sure. And then eventually they go out there and they go interact with some people on a Saturday afternoon. Then it. Maybe it feels terrible, maybe it feels great. I don't know. It doesn't really matter how it feels early on in the process, just keep going. And then they're like, ah, jeez, I'll do it again. And they don't do anything for three weeks. Think of it as social fitness. You're not gonna get any stronger. And then the people that I see really crushing it are like, okay, I'm gonna go do friendly greetings every day for the next month. They might say, well, that's so extreme. It takes five minutes. It's not extreme. What's extreme is our avoidance patterns, our unwillingness to feel discomfort even though it's killing us. That's what's extreme. Because this isn't a huge amount of time. It's about a willingness to be uncomfortable. Are you willing to be uncomfortable in order to radically transform your life? So the biggest mistake is just not enough frequency, not enough dose. And just if you really, if you're not sure, like, well, what's the thing and how do I do it? A couple, Couple ideas. One is if you dive into, obviously, I teach this mastermind program called the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. You can check it out at draziz.coM-R-A z I z.com we have some specials here going into the new year. But also you can check out Confidence University on my website as well. Under Pressure products, I believe the Confidence University, because inside the Confidence University, it guides you step by step on how to liberate yourself in key areas. Both your core confidence, your social confidence, to be able to talk to anybody, create relationships, career confidence, dating and relationships. But in each of those areas, you build something called a ladder to victory, which is where you set up your own structured hierarchy of how to build your confidence. Like a gym routine. You know, okay, I go on Mondays, I do this, on Wednesdays, I do that Friday. You can actually build that by going through Confidence University. Now, the benefit of the Mastermind is there's people there and I'm there. So it's not just you on your own attempting to do it, but if someone's motivated, they can work out at home and crush it. So you have this hierarchy. And if you're wondering how often am I doing stuff? Well, think of it like the gym, social fitness. And to get results in the gym, you're gonna get varying perspectives. But from what I've seen is you need to go to the gym and work out three to four times a week to have any sort of noticeable progress. Could be a little more, could be a little less, depending on how you do it, how long you're there. And I'm, you know, when I go to the gym, I'm in there for actually working out in terms of strength training, 40 minutes, you know, between 35 and 50 minutes. I'd say those three to four times a week, ideally four for me right now, and that's it. The good news is your social confidence could actually take even a little bit less time than that. As I said, you can go out and do friendly readings, you can go to on, and you just look for an opportunity. On your drive to work, you or your drive home from work, you stop by instead of going straight home to the safety of Netflix and your computer screens and your takeout grubhub delivery, and then you just haul up in there. You stop on the way home, you swing by to pick up the food or go to the store in human flesh form, not through your avatar in the oasis. And you say hi to 15 people. Or you walk down, you park a little ways away from where you want to go, and you say hi to people. And that's a beginning step, if that one's no big deal for you. There's so much more you can do. But that would be one workout. Try to get three to four workouts a week. Now, you might have specific workouts you could do at work, like, okay, I'm gonna make sure I speak up in the next three meetings today when I normally am silent. There's your workout. But actually think about it ahead of time, right? Because if you say, ah, maybe I'll go to the gym and maybe I'll do something and no, you won't. You gotta have it on your calendar and you gotta know, have some idea of what you're gonna do in the gym. Or else you kind of just, I've done it. You just kind of muck around in there. You don't make much progress. So that is the, the second biggest mistake is these long refractory periods is long waiting. Instead, keep it tight, keep it close together, keep the momentum going, and you will start to progress again. You don't have to feel great every time you do it. You will just stay in motion. All right, now the third mistake that I see is, let's say someone does believe, okay, I can change. Here's not going to stay the same as last year. I'm going to take more action. And they're Doing it, then what can trip them up next? The other biggest mistake I see is a unrelenting, brutal inner critic that just intensifies the more exposure that you attempt to do. So as you're increasing your fitness, as it were, your training, then the critic starts to get louder and louder and louder, and this can actually undermine the benefits of your training. So in weightlifting, they use a fancy term. I don't know why, but it's cool sounding called hypertrophy, which, you know, your muscles getting bigger, basically getting swole. And if you workout, there are certain things you can do that help the muscles grow, like getting adequate protein intake. I don't know what else. Other things that a trainer would know. And then there's things that can take away from that. Supposedly, if you get into a cold plunge right after you work out that. That can interfere with hypertrophy. I don't know if it's that significant unless you're like an Olympic athlete or something. But things that might interfere. Well, it's similar with your social fitness training in that if you go do something, you go say hi to those people. You speak up at work, you share your ideas, you take the risk. You ask somebody out, and they say no. You ask that client if they want to work with you, and they say no, whatever it is for you. And then afterwards, you just go to town on yourself. Oh, my God, that was so terrible. That was so awkward. You create this bizarro horror movies in which you're the butt of the joke and everyone is secretly murmuring and laughing at you and thinking you're pathetic, or it's so embarrassing. And you create these really elaborate fantasies that are not even. Not real. Not everyone there was looking at you. But it's like junior high or something. We fantasize about being the center of attention in a bad way, and we buy into it. Or you just keep grinding and replaying and replaying and cringing and replaying. Those patterns will kill your gains, bro. Bruh. So you might be lifting, you might be going and doing the social fitness, but then you're undermining it all. So you might make. You might make some progress, but you might not make very much progress. It also takes the wind out of your sails because if, you know, after this little workout, this social fitness exercise routine, I'm gonna feel like crap because I'm gonna beat myself up. How often are you gonna want to do that? It's like if you finish your weightlifting session, you hurt every time. And I don't mean like the good kind Of I'm sore, I'm growing. But just like everything aches, your body, pain everywhere. How often are you gonna want to keep doing it right? So you need to do something very, very different. And again, to plug the previous episode, go listen to the confidence revolution. Because you're gonna understand why that part of you is so freaked out by you making the change, trying to get louder to stop you. And this doesn't. This keeps going and interferes with your progress and might even stop you as long as you are buying into what it's saying as true. It's not true. It's not about truth. It's about propaganda. And that part of you does not want you to take risks. And so here you are doing all this social fitness stuff, which is basically just taking social risks. And it is trying to get louder and louder and louder and say whatever it needs to say. People think you're stupid. That was so awkward. That was so bad. None of that's true. But you'll buy it. And as soon as you do, you falter. Maybe I shouldn't do my next workout. Oh, maybe I need to read 75 more books before I do my next. Okay, I'll pick it up again in six months when I'm supremely awesome and I don't make any mistakes and I'm perfect. Right? Do you see how it works now? It's got you to delay, maybe to stop entirely. Just takes the wind out of your sails. And then next thing you know, I'll get to it later. Ah, yeah, it's hard. I don't know. Because you made it feel bad when you were doing all the good things, all the right things felt wrong. And it's not because they were wrong. It's because this. Because you have not decided on the inner revolution. You haven't fully owned the new way of being. And the new way of being is not. I'm gonna speak up or I'm gonna put myself out there and it's gonna always go great. That's more about certainty again, which is what the old part of you wants. It wants to feel totally certain, totally in control, totally safe. And by growing your confidence, by definition, you have to step into the unknown. Confides is the Latin root means with faith. You step into the unknown. I don't know what's going to happen. So where does the certainty comes from? Well, it doesn't come from. I know I'm going to get the outcome that I want. Some people try to do that, right? Like I visualize. Visualize positive Outcome. Positive outcome. Positive outcome. Beautiful. Visualize. Create positive outcomes in your mind beforehand that can prime you, that can make you ask with more open hearted boldness as opposed to timid guardedness. That's all great, do it. And sometimes in life you don't get what you want. And sometimes with all our visualization and wishing and hoping and dreaming, we're actually completely terrified of the. No, completely terrified of failure, of things not working. And to me that's not confidence, that's we're still running from something. True confidence, unconditional confidence is I know that I'm okay no matter what, success or failure, that I'm worthy and enough and loved no matter what, success or failure. That to me, a big part of that confidence that I've been developing over the last couple years is not just me, it's larger, like I am guided even in the failure, even in the pain. This is what's needed next. I'm exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I'm here to do. And man, that just creates such ease inside. And so the certainty can come from this risk makes me feel more alive. That's why I'm doing it, not to always get exactly what I want. I don't know if I'm gonna get what I want this time, but I know that when I risk, when I go for it in life, I feel more alive. And of course over time as a strategy, it's a heck of a lot more effective than telling yourself it's not going to work and avoiding risk, that's only going to lead to a downsizing of life, more loss and ultimately not achieving or having what you really want. And so you're not guaranteed an immediate outcome. But I tell you, if you keep going and you keep taking those risks and over time, as a net strategy, over many months and years, the trend's looking good. So that's the third mistake is brutally attacking yourself and buying into it as opposed to challenging it and saying, look, this isn't about control and certainty. This is about stepping into the unknown and I'm ready for it. And I know that when I step into the unknown, take a risk, I'm more alive. Let's talk about how to put these three gems into action. Time for action, action, action. Your action step for today is going to be to review these three mistakes and look at your experience over the last year in 2023 and do it with as much spaciousness as possible. Taking a step back. This isn't about your worth, this isn't about how good or bad you are as a person. Just think of it as patterns. What strategy or patterns was I running? What software was I running in 2023? You know which? Which of these three pitfalls might I have fallen into? And what can I do differently in 2024? What am I gonna do differently in 2024 to create something very different in my life? And why? Why is it? Why is it important for you? Why is it a must for you to do that? And I encourage you to write this one down because it will give you so much more benefit than just doing it in your head. Awesome. That's your action set for today. Thanks for being with me for this episode, for this year. A true pleasure and I'm looking forward to more. 2024. Onward and upward. Here's to you being the most confident, bold, free, authentic version of you. And if you haven't, by the way, gotten my newest book, Less Nice, More you, it's out now on Amazon, Kindle Audible, just look it up and I would love to share that with you. Love to hear your thoughts. If you benefit from it, please write a review for it. That will help the book spread. Maybe a little downtime holiday reading here for you. It's a quick one too. It's a lightning bolt of a book. That's the idea for it to be quick to assimilate and actually start making changes in your life. So that'll be a great companion as you take these risks in 2024. So pleasure being with you. Thank you so much for your support. You're listening. Your trust in me and I'm looking forward to more. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sa.