3 Reasons You're Scared To Break Up (And How To Find Your Confidence)

So, oh, it's time. It's time to break up. No one likes breakups. No one wants to do this. And yet avoiding it, delaying it, hiding from it, pretending, deceiving, you're done. It feels bad, you know, you got to do it, but it's absolutely freaking terrifying. And maybe you even try, maybe even started the conversation and then, you know, reverted and said, no, actually, everything's fine. No, I'm stuck with you forever, baby. I've been there. Trust me, this is the nice person's place. It's very, very hard to rake up with people. And I'm going to share the three reasons why, which will help you have the courage and confidence to say what needs to be said. Do what you need to do in your life to really do something that's going to not only positively benefit you, but even your partner, even your girlfriend or boyfriend, whoever you're with, it's going to make things better in their life, too. And you're going to see that by the end of this video. So watch this all the way to the end. Discover exactly how. And I'm even going to share how to say it, because sometimes people are like, what do I say? Or what do I do if they say this? I'm going to give some exact tips on how to do it. But first, we got to uncover the three fears about why you're so afraid. And this is from not just my own experience, but working with thousands of clients over the years, many of which have gone through different relationship ended relationships. And I've uncovered the key, persistent, repeating fears. Fear number one, I'm going to kill my partner. No, I don't mean you're going to, like, you know, murder them. I mean, you're leaving, you're no longer wanting to be with them. Or maybe not even loving them anymore is going to crush them. It's going to rip out their heart. And the fear behind that is that makes you a very, very, very, very bad person. How could you do this to them, you monster. Right? And that's the feeling, that's the fear. It's this overwhelming, crushing guilt, the sense of badness and heavy like, oh, how could I do that? I couldn't. I can't do that to them. And you might even focus on life circumstances. Not right now, when they're in the middle of this. Oh, my God, they're having so much hard time at work right now. I can't leave them there. Oh, but they got this thing they're trying to quit drinking for this month. And now I'm going to leave them and they're going to go become an alcoholic, and it's my fault. That's sounding familiar. So it's. Number one is I'm going to crush them. It's going to be too much for them to handle. Number two is you're never going to find anybody else. Enjoy your life of stuff singledom until you die as a lonely, lonely old man or woman. Right. That's the other fear story is that I'm never gonna find anybody else or I'm never gonna find anybody like this who has. But they have these positive qualities, and I'm never gonna find anybody else who has those positive qualities. And it feels really true. This one is so bizarrely false, but yet so persistent. In every person's relationship that I ever talked to has a fear about it. But it almost seems like it's some sort of biological product of the bonding that occurs. It's some delusion that we the TR on ourselves to prevent the ending of a relationship because it's clearly not true, and yet we believe it. So that's fear number two. Never going to find nobody else like this, so you might as well stay forever. And number three, man, this one is the fear that pervades all things. But it's. What would they think? Not just my partner, but everybody. Their friends. What about my partner's friends or mutual friends or. Oh, my God, their family or my family or my siblings or. And the more this gets loaded with the cultural expectations. But you should be here. And look. Oh, my gosh, my other friends are having children, and here I am breaking up. Oh, God, I'm even further behind in life. I'm such a loser. What are they gonna. What is my mom gonna think of me? She loves my partner. Oh, God. And you have this big committee in your head of like, 75 people who are all like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just stay. Be a good boy and a good girl or whatever it is and stay where you're supposed to stay. Are these resonating for you? Do you see yourself in these fears? Well, the good news is now you get to see it's not just you. And these are drawn from l over the years. So if that's the pattern, then maybe, just maybe, those stories are not unique to you. They're not yours. And they're not necessarily accurate predictions of what's going to happen. So let's bust the fears. Set yourself free. Number one, when you say they can't handle it, you know what that means? You can't handle it. But you can't. You're telling yourself emotionally, you're basically saying, I don't want to handle it. It's too much for me. And this is the heaviness of all this is not the feelings of the ending. Endings happen in life. Endings are natural. Endings are necessary for new beginning to occur. But what makes it so heavy is this guilt burden that you're carrying, which is, I must never cause pain in another. But you know what? You are. People are going to feel pain, especially in love and relationships. They are going to feel pain sometimes. And that is not some fundamental flaw or great sin that you've committed. That's just life. And so your actions are going to cause pain in others. And ultimately that is healthy and normal and natural because you're not responsible to remove all pain in everybody and make sure they never experience it again. They had pain before they were going to be with you. They had pain sometimes in your relationship. And going to have pain as the breakup and after the relationship could be related to you, could be related to something else. That's an inevitable part of life. And the sooner you really get that on a deep level, you're not responsible to make sure that no one has pain in life. You can feel a lot more free to be you and to go after what you want. Number two, that you're never going to find anybody else. Really? Really. I mean, come on, just like slow down for a minute and actually examine that. Never going to find nobody. And if that's the case, like, maybe you lucked into this relationship, then you might have a low romantic confidence. You don't feel like you're the selector who gets to choose who you want to be with in the world. You might need to build your confidence to be able to connect and date. And if you've never done that, you kind of started this relationship when you were young or it's been a long time. Yeah, you're going to have to get back on the horse to build some social muscle. And so sometimes when we're resistant to doing something that takes effort over time to get a skill to build up our capacities, we just tell ourselves it's impossible and it's about staying comfortable. But really, you can absolutely connect. You can have so much better. That's what I found, is that people are willing to take the risk, can have this and this. I can have this awesome relationship and they have these qualities and I don't have to settle in my life. And then number three, what would they think? You know, this is where I was working with a client and he was going to end this relationship. It's like, oh, my God, this and that. What are they going to think of me? I said, you know what? If 2024 was the year of selfishness, I celebrate you being a more selfish you in 2024. And he got what I meant because he read my book Not Nice, where I talk about that being a bit more selfish is not a no, make you a monster. It actually is a healthy self interest. And he's like, okay. Which is basically saying, hey, I'm going to value what I want in my life. He's in his 50s. He'd done always what he was supposed to do for them, and he was miserable, at least in his relationship. And so he made a change. He chose for himself. He did what's right for him. And man, his life was absolutely extraordinary. He. He moved to a new city. He eventually found a new partner that just lit him up and met him all these ways that the other one didn't. And he fully came alive. That's what's possible. Another set. So I told you that I leave you without telling you what you actually say. Well, here's the secret. The secret is to say something about your desire to end the relationship. And it's not working for you. Because if you go into, here's the seven reasons why I don't like you. Let me pull out my pen. Number one. Now, I'm not talking about a conversation. We want to bring up your grievances and maybe improve the relationship. That's a different conversation. Sure. Then you got to talk about what's not working for you. But if you know you're gonna end it, like, but why? But why? But I see the biggest mistake all the time, especially for nice people. You spend a long time trying to convince them, them that they should also agree that it's a good idea. Well, it's because of this. And you see how we're not a good fit there. Don't you see why it's not right for us? And they're like, I don't see why it's not right for us. It is right for us. Oh, and you're like, oh, God, they're crying. You don't need to convince them. You just need to tell them now. I've been thinking about it a lot recently. I feel like at this point, it's not working for me and I want to move in a different direction, you know, and statements like, it just doesn't feel right for me. It's not a fit for me and resist the urge and the temptation to convince them or give them the 17 point list thinking it's going to help them see your case more. It's just going to make them feel awful and you're going to feel awful and it's a super long conversation you probably don't want to have. So I think you got what you need. Rewatch this video as needed and hopefully it gives you the courage and the confidence to do the right thing for you and ultimately for the other person. Because that's the last point here. They really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them. Isn't it honoring of them to open the doorway for someone who's really going to cherish and love everything about them and want to be with them forever? Because that is a much more beautiful gift that you can give this person and yourself as you step forward in your life. All right, share down below in the comments what you're finding most valuable until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.