3 Signs You're Too Nice (New Book)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. I am so glad that you're here because today you're going to be discovering three signs that you might be too nice, and better yet, you might already know that you're too nice. But when you hear about these, we're not just going to quickly cover them. We're going to actually go in depth into what's happening in the psychology behind these patterns so that you can really get to the root of it and change it. And that's the best news ever. I've been dedicated to helping people shift this for many years, written many books about it, and I actually have a new book, a brand new full length book coming out in just a week on December 13, called less nice More you stop hiding and become the most bold, authentic version of you now. So if you like my book Not Nice, you're absolutely gonna love this book. This is the follow up to Not Nice and it is a shorter, tighter, laser like or lightning bolt, which is on the COVID lightning bolt version of getting you to become the more real version of you, which is, I think, the first thing to cover in today's episode. People still can have a cringy feeling about being less nice. Like that sounds bad. Isn't nice good? Nice makes me a good person. Now, if you've listened to this show at all, you might have a different perspective. You might realize that niceness is often rooted in fear. But in case you don't know that, and even if you do intellectually know that, do you really emotionally get that niceness? Especially when you think about people pleasing, being who you think you're supposed to be for somebody else is a problem. Niceness is not a good way or a kind way to be in the world. In fact, the very first chapter of my new book is nice versus Kind, because we have to get that out of the way right at the beginning. Because if you think, oh, wait, I'm gonna be a bad person if I'm less nice? Oh, no, Then who's gonna wanna do that? Who wants to be a bad person? And so first things first. You have to realize that being less nice is not about being some mean person, some asshole, some jerk, some selfish, aggressive, whatever judgment you want to put on it. It's actually being more you because you're shedding the roles that you're trying to play to please everybody else. And most people that are too nice are not even aware of how deep it goes, how many roles you might be playing, all the rules you're trying to follow. And it might seem like, no, I'm doing this because this is the right way to be. But if you look at it, is it working right way to be for who? What's it doing to your own psychology? Are you anxious? I mean, I had someone tell me just recently. They said, you know, there was a meeting I was in at work and someone did something that really upset me, and I wanted to say something about it, but I was, you know, held back. I didn't want to make a scene. I was afraid that it would come across bad or they'd get upset with me. So I held it all in. They left the meeting, and within five minutes of leaving the meeting, they were full on anxiety, almost a panic attack. And this client was making the link. Like, I think suppressing and holding back there led to me feeling more anxiety. I was like, mm, something to think about there, huh? But it doesn't stop there. It leads to a lot more background anxiety, a lot more stress, a lot more fear in your nervous system, and even worse, staying in relationships that you don't wanna stay in, being who you think supposed to be for other people and trying to make it work and not listening to yourself and ignoring your own inner signals. It goes on and on. And it leads you down a path that one day at a time, one choice at a time, leads you to be further and further from who you really are, which is one of the other key things I cover in the book. Which is the number one regret of the dying, which you may have heard me talk about on this show, is not. I wish I'd spent more time with my kids. I wish I'd gone fishing instead of working. Or whatever we think our regrets are going to be when we die. The number one regret was, I wish I lived a life that was more true to myself versus what other people wanted of me. Laid out right there. The number one regret of the dying. And nice people are on A crash course trajectory for living that life. Heck, don't forget about when you're dying. You, you might be living that life right now. A life that is not your own. Like a runaway train where you're trying to follow all the rules, trying to be a good person, trying to be who you're supposed to be. And it's not working. And so if you know it's not working, then I'm so excited for you to pick up this book. I'm gonna be doing a release of it next week, so check it out on Amazon or Kindle. Get on my email list. I'm going to be doing a free training, a bonus training as well, a masterclass on niceness right around the release of the book. So if you're not on my email list already, make sure you get on there. Go to draziz.com that'S-R-A Z I Z.com and you can sign up and you also get a cool mini course and free trainings and all this great stuff too. So if you're not on there, it's time to get on there. But let's cover in this episode the three signs that you're too nice and what's going on in the psychology of that. So the first sign that you're too nice. And these are a little unusual, they're not the most typical ones that you think of. I don't wanna just put the most obvious stuff out there. I wanna put some stuff that's gonna really make you think and reflect on yourself. So the first sign that you're too nice is you are hyper aware of everybody's feelings and you feel responsible for them. Who is everybody? It's everybody. So if you're in a relationship, you're hyper aware of your partner's feelings, you're hyper aware of your family's feelings. It's the holiday, you know, we just had Thanksgiving in the United States. The Christmas holidays are coming up and you're, you're around, how's my uncle feeling? And oh, my mom is upset because no one liked her freaking turkey or whatever, right? And you're aware of it. And maybe your, your colleagues, like, oh, I'm worried that so and so is going to be hurt or so and so is going to be upset. You're super aware of everyone's feelings and I'm not saying you're just very socially or emotionally intelligent and you could observe it all. You're, you are clenched inside, you are nervous about it. Oh my God, Mom. People aren't Going to like Mom's turkeys. Now I'm anxious. I. I feel responsible. I gotta protect mom so she doesn't feel bad. And I gotta make sure that, you know, John is not upset with me at work, or not maybe not even me. I want to make sure that John is not upset with someone else at work. You're like the peacekeeper inside, and you're stressing, you're tense. And you might be aware that that's the reason, and you might not. You might just get into a group of people or a workplace situation and feel this big background anxiety building. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But underneath that, if you pay attention, you're hyper aware of everyone's feelings and you feel responsible to fix them. Does that resonate with you? You might be wondering, like, what is going on there? Well, I have a few theories, having studied this for a couple of decades, both very personally in myself and then also with lots of clients and lots, you know, background in clinical psychology and learning about all this stuff. And I would say I'm. It seems to start with a natural quality. You might call it, you know, the nature side of nature versus nurture. And the natural quality I see, I would describe as sensitivity. Now, I hated this term when I was younger. Like, don't call me sensitive, right? Because I learned that as a man, you're not supposed to be sensitive. What are you, a wimp? Right. But when I say sensitive here, I mean a nervous system that responds to stimuli more in a more elevated fashion. So you might hear sounds louder, you might see colors brighter. You might feel the wind against your skin, the fabric of your clothes. You might be more aware of it, it might bother you more. Taste might be elevated, right? And these are measurable things. People have a different sort of a spectrum of how loud they hear, how intense they taste things. But it doesn't just stop with your five senses, right? It's also your emotional senses. So you are more sensitive. That means you feel your emotions stronger if someone. You feel your own feelings stronger, but you also can feel other people's feelings more intensely. Now, everybody, unless they're maybe on the spectrum or kind of have cut off in a sort of a sociopathic way. Everybody can feel other people's feelings to a certain degree, right? That's what mirror neurons are all about. That was a big discovery a decade or two ago that we, you know, we can feel other people. There's sort of the. There's a hard wiring for empathy, but some people are going to feel it a lot more than others. And so you feel your feelings more intensely. You're more sensitized to other people's emotions, and your own is probably how you came out. Now, I'm not telling you this for sure. I'm suggesting something that I've seen in a lot of people and you could observe in your own experience if this is true for you. And if it is, you can nod and say, absolutely right. And if not, that's okay. Maybe you didn't come out of the factory that way, but I sure did. And then that's the nature side of it. But then the nurture side of it is you don't learn because who is taught in their family system? You know, you're more sensitized to emotion. Let's teach you emotional coping strategies and help you work with it. It's like, no, man, you're just getting by. You're surviving. And you know there's a fight in your family, and you just do it naturally comes to you, which is to become the Peacekeeper. Wow. I feel really uncomfortable when dad's upset. I'm gonna learn how to make dad happy. Wow. When mom and my sister are fighting, I am so uncomfortable. I'm gonna make sure I cheer my sister or I cheer my mom up afterwards, make them laugh, smile. I'm gonna be a good kid. I'm gonna be really easygoing because my sister or my brother is so high needs, or my mom's so stressed out about my dad. Okay. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be so easy and so cooperative. And then it starts to get reinforced. Right? Your mom's like, wow, you're such a. You're so helpful. Thank you so much. I love how you are. You're so much better than your sister. You're like, yeah, right. Or whatever happens. And then, you know, we're off to the races. A Peacekeeper is born. So that's where it comes from. Most likely. There are other sources, but that's the most common one. And then that is the sign, one of the signs, big signs that you're too nice. Sign number two is you believe that someone being temporarily upset is a calamity, is highly dangerous, is a full scale five alarm chilly emergency. And that's how you perceive it in your mind, and that's how you emotionally react to it. So there's a misconception, a mistaken perspective that feels very true, that someone being temporarily upset is the fricking end of the world. Now, you might intellectually know that that's not true, but when has Our intellect ever really run the show? I mean, come on, let's get real. We're like just running around emotionally driven. That's what's going on for us. You ever impulse bought something on Amazon? You ever done something out of emotion or craving or avoided something you were scared of even though you know you really wanted to do it? I mean, welcome to being an emotional creature. We're emotionally driven and so emotionally we're utterly terrified. Conflict. I mean, someone being upset temporarily is a hyper threat and therefore must be avoided at all costs. Right? You're not gonna go do something hyper dangerous. I was just recently watching Mission Impossible, the newer thing. It came out earlier this year. Dead Reckoning Part one. Oh God, it's like a three hour movie too. So we got a three hour part two coming. And I was, I've been getting more into using a stationary bike. I got a little injury from doing some extended running, ran a 50 mile ultra marathon. If you have not checked out my YouTube channel, I put some videos out about it. You can go to get More Confidence on YouTube and actually watch my saga of doing the race. It was amazing. And so I got a little temporary injury. Nothing big, just a couple weeks off of running. And so I'm doing this stationary bike and I'm just sitting there looking at a wall and I was like, well, I might as well be watching a screen. So I'm watching Tom Cruise run around. I love how in every single Mission Impossible movie, but I think every single Tom Cruise action movie, there's like a scene where he's just like all out sprinting for, I don't know, five minutes. He's just sprinting, just mega full speed. I don't know how old he is right now. Maybe he's probably like 60. And he's just like sprinting. It's. It's awesome. Anyway, in that movie there are threats everywhere, right? Mission Impossible, you're not familiar with it. It's like spy action, kind of international espionage sort of sort of movie. But you know, you're walking down the, the hallway in the, in the rich person's party and two guys come the other way and they both have guns that are gonna stab and shoot you, right? There's danger everywhere. And that's what makes the movie exciting because Tom Cruise punches that danger in the face again and again and then sprints. But it's good entertainment in any case. That's how we're operating. It's like freaking Mission Impossible. Dead Reckoning Part 1. Every day of your life. And so Going to work and interacting with a coworker on some level in your nervous system is like you're. You're in some international espionage thriller, right? It's just. But it's way less fun to watch. It's just scary. It's like a horror film actually. And you gotta be on guard. Danger can lurk everywhere. Threat is looming. And this, the result of this is a somewhat. You're conscious of it, but a lot of it is below the surface of your awareness. Kind of like an iceberg, where you see the top of the iceberg above the water and then the vast majority of the mass of that chunk of ice is below the water. That's the same thing with your patterns around accommodating other people and changing who you are and how you show up and what you say and even what you think and believe to yourself. To all try to mold yourself to make conflict as least likely as possible. Did you follow me? Does that make sense? You might need to flip back and listen to it again if it went quick there. I'm saying a lot because I'm excited and I'm passionate about this. But if you are, if conflict is fatal, then you're going to be constantly adapting yourself, bending over backwards to make sure it doesn't occur. And I can tell you story after story of clients who stayed in relationships and made them work for months or years. People who worked in jobs that were maybe even abusive environments. And they just kind of adapt to it. What more do you need? What more do you want? I'll do it. Yes. Okay, I'm sorry. Take on more and more and more just to keep the other person appeased until something freaking breaks. And hopefully it's their. What I call. I have a chapter in the book called your inauthenticity tolerance. How long can you sustain this fake way of being just to please others? Hopefully that's the thing that breaks and. And not your spine from bending over backwards too much. But the good news, even if it feels like your nerve broke and you're broken inside, the fantastic news is this can all be shifted. But you gotta see these patterns and you gotta be willing to do what it takes to change it, which I'll talk a lot more about in the next episode. About how to be less nice and more you like what to actually do. But first you gotta see these patterns and start to catch the underlying root cause. Or else you're just rearranging chairs on the deck of the boat. Okay, so that is sign number two, conflict. Or someone being Temporarily upset is highly dangerous, probably Mission Impossible style fatal. Okay. And then number three, sign that you're too nice is. And this one might sound kind of small, but it's, it's one of the big ones that's affecting you every day of your life. That you. Your top priority socially for sure, but maybe even in life is. Drumroll. To be liked to get approval is the top priority in life. Now that sounds dramatic, but let's just fact check it here. Is that really what's happening? You might say, well, no, I got other priorities, right? I want to grow, I want to succeed, I want to make something of myself. I want to create a business, I want to make some money, I want to have a relationship. I want to be who I whatever it is, like authenticity, right? Like be who you're meant to be in the world. Do what you're meant to do. The whole fourth section of the book, by the way, is all about authenticity and really fleshing out. What does that really even mean? Because it's a cool sounding word, maybe it's appealing to you, but what does that really mean on the superficial small levels, the daily levels, as well as all the way down to your whole life? Your life choices who you ultimately are and become, and it is in conflict. Authenticity is in conflict with probably your number one priority in life, which is to be liked. Now, you might not be walking around waking up in the morning saying, my goal today in life is, is to make sure I'm liked and nothing else matters. Now, you don't think that consciously, but it's like the iceberg underneath the surface. It is steering the ship. And so you are going to start to steer your day towards that objective. And if something occurs where that's not happening, there's a sign of disapproval, then your day is ruined. Your life is, oh my God, this is so terrible what's happening. I can't relax. So and so does not didn't like me. Oh, or you get a lot of worry before things. I'm so worried about this meeting. I'm so worried about this date. I'm so worried about going to this party. I'm so worried. What are you worried about? That someone there might not like you. That's what you're worried about. And it might show up in these thousand other ways, like, oh, I'm self critical. Oh, my nose looks big. Oh, I'm gonna run out of things to say. I'm gonna run out of things to say in a conversation. Oh, my God. Oh my God. Plan my conversation. Let Me, read the news on my phone so I have something to talk about. Let me think about this. Let me worry about this. Let me plan. Maybe I shouldn't go to the party. I don't want to go to the party. I'm not going to go to the party. No, I have to. I'm going to go to the party. Oh, my God. What if I run out of things to say? That whole rumination spiral that we can get stuck in, which if you're wondering how I do it so well because I lived in it for so many years. But underneath all of that, why is it such a big freaking deal? If you run out of things to say, it's because they might not like you. And your number one priority in life is to be liked. And it's at odds with you being authentic. You being you, who you're really meant to be. So we gotta change that. And the good news is that you can still be liked. I'm not saying that you gotta be authentic and go it alone like Clint Eastwood out into the desert and just by yourself. I'm gonna die alone. Authentic, like a man, right? No, you get to have it all. You get to be authentic who you're really meant to be. Be real and have love and connection. You truly can. And it's amazing. And you gotta freaking work to make it happen. You have to change these patterns. It will not happen by default. The cage of niceness will not just disappear by default. It will actually constrict and get smaller. It's like a freaking trap in one of those terrible Saw movies. And if you don't know what those movies are, don't worry about it. Don't. They're horror movies. Just don't even spend your time looking them up. They're just a horrible waste of human energy and time. But. But, you know, it's like a sicko who sets traps for people and they die in them. That's what the cage niceness is like. It's. It's a ticking saw. Are we on saw 10? How many saw movies are there? Don't look it up. Whatever you do, don't look it up. Anyway, there's. It's a ticking trap. It's the cages gets smaller and smaller and constricts and constricts and constricts and. And then eventually people don't die from it, but their real self dies and they never really go for it again. And this might happen at age 30, at age 40, at age 50, and they just kind of. This is who I am. This is how it is. I'm just gonna live it out. And look, I'm not saying they're in a gutter and their life's terrible, but it's nothing of what it could be. And if you're listening to this episode and you made it this far, then I know you want something more. And I'm excited for you to create that because more is available. More you is available. So let's talk about how to turn that into action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is going to be awareness. I know that term is kind of boring sounding like ugh, but it's the key. It's the key. I'm going to share more action steps that you can do in the next episode about how to be less nice and more you. But if you're not aware of these patterns, you're not really going to change anything. So I want you to notice these three signs as they play out in your life over this next week. Just pay attention. Oh, am I being really aware of everyone's feelings and feeling responsible? Oh, how do I feel that? Am I tense in my stomach? How do I experience that? What am I telling myself, huh? And am I perceiving danger as. Or conflict or someone being upset as extremely dangerous, as deadly? Wow. How do I feel that? What do I say to myself? Am I worried about it? Am I on edge? And you know, am I really prioritizing being liked? Is that what's most important to me in this situation? And don't make it wrong. Don't make yourself bad, just notice it like, oh yeah, maybe I am doing that. And that compassionate non judgmental awareness is going to be what sets you free. Combined with some good old fashioned bold action, which we'll talk about next week. Speaking of bold action, next week, December 13th, make sure you get yourself a copy of my book. Super excited to share it with you. Probably the best one I've ever written. I can't wait. And so yeah, give it a. Give it a read, give it a listen on Audible and I look forward to being with you next week in the episode, which is the celebration of the book release. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.