Dr. Aziz shares three strategies for feeling confident around groups: believe your presence adds value, actively join conversations by asking questions, and self-soothe through breathing and listening instead of forcing yourself to talk constantly.
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So there you are. It's a social gathering. Maybe you're at a friend of a friend's house. Maybe it's a wedding, maybe it's some other conference. It's a social moment. It's the lunchtime, it's the evening time, it's the cocktail hour. And people are gathered in those little groups. You know how human animals tend to do that. We gather in these Little clumps of 2, 3, 4 people, circle up, start chatting, and then you walk in. There you are. You got to make a decision. What are you going to do? Stand there, Stand there like a fool, everyone watching you? Oh, no. Okay, better make a decision real quick. Got to find a group, you got to jump into that group so you don't look like a loser who's all by yourself. And if you are, just pull out your cell phone. Because then you look like you're making deals, buying low and selling high. Important. I'm having an important conversation on this phone. Better than all the conversations you're having. Right? So we don't want to do that. So we better join into something. There's that group. Looks like a good group to join into. Oh, God. How's this gonna go? I don't know how to do it. You ever been there? And then what do you do? Just like jump out the back, jump out the window. Ah, I gotta get out of here. Go to the bathroom and never come out. Right? So no, none of those solutions work. And even if you just get by and. But it's like maybe it's awkward and uncomfortable. Let's end all that. Let's help you be way more free. I want to share three simple things. I mean, I go much more in depth into this. You can find all my other courses. You can check out Confidence University. We have a whole course called Social Mastery there. But I want to share three things you can use right now instead of giving you like a 17 hour course on it. Okay, here we go. So the first thing is inside of you. The second thing is what you do as you go in. And the third thing is what you do once you're in the group. The first thing is inside of you. Even before you get to that party, even before you're at that wedding, before whatever. What you got to internalize and remind yourself of is my presence adds value. My presence adds value because all that hesitation, all that problem that you're facing is a symptom, a story that you tell yourself that says, my presence doesn't add value. My presence detracts my Presence is unwanted. It's bad. It won't be liked. It will be judged. It'll be offensive, repulsive, repugnant, undesired. And that's what we're believing. Whether it's because you want to, you know, whether for dating, for business, for social, we're carrying that around. That's our core level of confidence. That's our identity. And so you gotta upgrade that thing. You gotta say, you know what? My presence adds value. My presence adds value. Just say that with me right now. I know, I know, but just try it out. My presence adds value. How true does that feel to you? On a scale of 1 to 10, my presence adds value. If that number is low right now, you gotta work on that. You do. Because no matter what techniques you learn, I've seen a lot of people do this. I started out this way, a lot of guys, especially out there, who want to learn dating. But I've seen this with women clients who want to learn social confidence or dating. But there's like a subset of guys that I work with that are very much like me when I was younger, who were like, I want to get confidence. So I get the ladies, and they're like, if I just learn all the right lines and moves and ninja techniques. And I'm like, yeah, but on a scale of 1 to 10, my presence adds value, especially in dating and relationships. How true is that to you right now? How much do you feel that? What's your answer? What's your true answer? And I pay attention to their body language too, and see if it's congruent. And they'll be like a five. I'm like, yeah, it's probably more like a three. But I'm not gonna tell them that it's a five, right? That's gonna be a problem. Doesn't matter what lines you have. So we gotta ratchet that thing up. You gotta build that, you gotta strengthen that. And again, that's a whole big topic. I mean, you can read my book on my own side. To do that, you could get inside of Confidence University, inside the ultimate foundation course, the beginning first course that everyone has to go through. We help you upgrade your identity, change how you see yourself, change how you feel, increase that core confidence. Because if you try to go socialize without it, it's hard. So my presence adds value. At the very least, repeat that to yourself. Find evidence of that, strengthen that. That's number one. Now, let's say you've been doing that, you've been doing your homework. You get to that Party, you remind yourself of that. So even if you've been working on it on the side, you got to, in the moment, remind yourself and say, my presence adds value. Another way to say that which I love makes me smile even more is my presence is a gift, right? So just breathe in. As soon as I remind myself that. Because, look, I get anxious, too. This stuff still happens. Like, these are just patterns. We can all run on anxious. We can all run a social anxiety pattern. And my mind will do it, too, sometimes even after teaching it for all these years. But what I know what to do is how to shift it. And I don't buy, like, I guess I can't talk to people. It's like, no, okay, what do I got to do? My presence adds value. I just think that to myself, okay, that's step number one now. Now what are you gonna do? There's that group over there. Guess what you gotta do? You gotta jump in. You gotta jump in, like, just boom, immediately. Cause if you're, like, walking over, and then I'm gonna turn the corner and go to the bar, and then I'm gonna walk over there. Oh, I'm not gonna talk to those people. And you're just kind of, like, floating around for a long time, your anxiety is just gonna build. Especially if you move around the social situation like that. Like, you're underwater. Who knows? Maybe that's your in. Maybe that's your X factor. And people are like, who's that guy? Who's that girl? She just walks into the party like this. You could even approach a group that way. How are you guys doing? And then you just don't stop. You just keep doing that. That's my second tip. Walk up to a group like this and interact with them. You could. That would be a social experiment. That might be embarrassment, inoculation. We could do that sometime. Come hang out with me in Portland. We'll do that. But what it is, is you just walk right into the group. If you're doing this hovering thing, it makes it so much more uncomfortable for you and for everyone else. So just walk right into the group. Remember, your presence adds value. So it's jumping in. That's the biggest tip. And your mind might say, yeah, but how? How do I jump in? How do I do that? And I love doing this with people. And at my Conversation Master, eventually we do this, but we actually have people practice it. And I love working with someone who's like, I can't. I'm like, okay, you can't show me what you can't do. Can you not physically move into that space? Can you not physically say this thing or move your hand in that way? And no, they could do all of it. It's just. They're scared, right? So you got to jump in and dive into that conversation. And the best way to jump in would be just to ask a question. Hey, what are you guys talking about? It doesn't have to be. And once you know your presence adds value and you jump in, there are 70 things you could say. There are 500 things you could say. There's no one thing to say. It's just, what are you guys talking about? What brought you here? How's it going? Those little things, that's all you need. And I used to not believe this at all. I used to be like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got to come up with the exact best line. I would do this. Not even in dating. Just like socially. I got to have the best thing to say. And that's underlying showing you that you don't think your presence adds value. Because if you knew that your presence adds value, you realize that the conversation is not going to stop with you saying, hey, how's it going? And they say, good. And you say, okay, great. Goodbye. No, you're going to say, what brought you here to the event? Oh, interesting. Tell me more. Oh, or, how are you enjoying the wedding? What do you think of that? Isn't that a beautiful. Isn't her dress magnificent? Whatever you want to talk about. And then you could find out more about those people add value in that interaction. Okay, the third thing is. And again, if you want, like, a lot more strategic tips and all that stuff, check out my other videos on YouTube. You can also go to TheConfidenceUniversity.com and get access to the whole social mastery course, where we guide you through step by step, a ton of tools. Because I think it's a mixture of confidence, comes from competence. If you know what you're doing and. And you practice it, and we guide you through step by step on how to do that. Okay, number three, after you jump in, is internally soothe yourself. This one's the thing that most people don't realize is part of the process. Because no matter how confident you might be coming up to the group, no matter how things go, as you jump in, there could be a moment in the conversation where you start to freak out inside. And sometimes it happens for people right away. They say, hey, how's it going? And the person's like, good. And they're like, oh God, I was afraid of this moment. Right. Which is, you know, if you don't know, you gotta lead more a little bit. If they just look to you. So but anyway, or maybe it happens a little bit later. Maybe there's like a group of three or four and everyone's chatting. You jump in, it feels like it's going pretty well. And then there's like a moment where these two people start talking and you're like, I don't know what to say right now. Oh, I'm just standing here. Oh, God, this is awkward. Oh my goodness. Should I leave? I should add something, but I don't know what to add. Right. If that's happening for you, you need to be able to calm down and self soothe. Self soothe is the third thing. It's just like calming yourself. You don't need to run away. Everything's okay. You can just be right there. I had a client that I was sharing this with and I was saying, you, you know, when that's happening, what can you say or what can you do with yourself to help you calm down? And he said, you know what I could do is I could just remind myself in the moment, I'm a good person. I'm a good person. And for him, that helped him calm down and just listen to two people talking. He didn't need to run away. Yeah. Sometimes in conversations, you're not in every single moment of every single thing that's being expressed. Two people might have more opinions about a certain topic. You might not know anything about fixing a bike or whatever they start talking about. And then after a few moments, you can find a way to jump back in or steer the conversation or ask a question. But not every single moment. In fact, if you're inserting yourself in every single moment of every group conversation, that's kind of obnoxious. So it's okay. Let the conversation breathe. You can just hang out. And for me, a thing that I do, I do this all the time. I do this during conflict. I do this whenever I need to self soothe inside is to remember. All I need to do right now is just breathe and listen. Breathe and be present. I don't need to fix anything. I don't need to say anything. Just like, it's okay. You can just be right now. And then when the moment's right, you'll find something to say. So these are three ways that I'll support you in conversation. Share. What are you finding most valuable? What are you taking from this video? What are you going to apply I'd love to hear. I'd love for you to share it with this group in this community here, and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
