3 Ways To Feel More Confident Around Authority Figures

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about three ways to become more confident around authority figures. People that well, might be traditionally an authority. Like they have power over you in some obvious way, Perhaps a boss, supervisor, manager, executive of the company, something like that. Or maybe there's an authority in your community, local government, an official, and there's other certain specific places, maybe if you're a student, then someone in the administration of the school or university or whatever. So there are official authority figures and you're going to learn how to be more confident around them. But then even more common is a lot of people that you might imbue with authority, even though they don't have direct power over you like a boss. So let me give you some examples so you can get a sense of that. You know, oftentimes I'll work with people and they'll see someone that they find attractive as an authority, and they might not use that term, but the way they relate to that person is similar. And we'll break down in just a minute how you are around authority. So you'll see what I mean. But you could imbue a friend with that, a mentor, someone in business, a colleague, someone that's at the same level as you technically in your career, but you still view them as an authority. And you can have all the effects of being uncomfortable around authority around them. So let's talk about what some of those effects are, just so you can get a sense and see which ones you experience. How do you, first of all, can you think of someone in your life who you might think of as an authority figure, whether it's formal or just something you've imbued and how are you around them? What I see most often in clients is there's some reduction in confidence and they become more nervous, more self conscious, more social anxiety, more concerned of how is this person going to view me Overthinking, worrying, planning, stressing afterwards. How did I come across? Was that good? Was I okay? Was I too much of this or not enough of that? What are they going to think of me? What's the effect of this going to be on my life? There's a lot of stress and fear around someone, an authority figure, and also increased level of inhibition. With all that overthinking and wanting to come across in the right way, we can tend to hold back and get very constricted, both physically in our muscles, emotionally tense. And then behaviorally, you're less fluid, less outspoken. You're more in damage control and safety protection mode than you are in whatever the task is at hand, whether it's to share something in a company setting or to put yourself out there in a dating situation, you are being held back because you're afraid. And so, to put it simply, it's all symptoms of fear. Fear of authority. So do you relate to those? Which ones of those do you relate to? And can you think of different places or people in your life that you imbue them with authority? I remember I had a mentor that I learned from for several years. And when I was initially, this kind of faded as time went on. But when I first was around him and he was asking me questions, it was a group environment. And whether it be like in the group setting, he'd be asking me questions or talk about my business, or sometimes there'd be like a mixer afterwards and people be standing around, I'd go talk to him. Pretty much every time I was around him, I felt this tightness in my stomach and this discomfort and fear and nervousness. And, I mean, he wasn't an authority. I mean, I was learning in his training program, but it's not like an authority where, you know, I gotta follow his rules or I'm fired. You know, I'm paying him for coaching and training, and I'm gonna go through his program. So he's like sort of the teacher, as it were, and I'm not getting a grade, you know, so there's no. There's no official authority there. But it's. I imbued him with that, and I felt very uncomfortable around him. Very inhibited and restricted. So what's going on there? And more, you know, even just as importantly, what do we do about it? How do we feel more confident? Well, when you discover what's going on there, it'll give you clarity on how to become more confident. What is your guess? Why do you think you're afraid of authority? Well, there's a couple layers to it and a couple answers I get from people when I ask them. This one is, people go to the past and they say, well, I had a insert authority figure here and a bad experience. So my dad was really authoritarian and intense and he punished us harshly. Or my mom was really quick to get cold and angry and withdraw. And so I learned never to upset the parent or the adult. Or I had a teacher that was really intense or an uncle or a grandparent or my religious community or whatever it is. And there's one or more authority figures that were intense or intimidating or scary or even abusive. And people say, well, that's why I'm scared of authority now. And sure, we can be conditioned from our early experience and have learnings and conclusions that we draw from those experiences. And that might have been part of the origins. And there's something else happening right now, right? Because you are an adult now and that whatever was happening then is not happening now. So what's happening now that has us be afraid? And is it purely just a conditioned response? Well, that could be part of it, but there's more. And that's the good news. Because if it's purely a conditioned response, then maybe you're doomed. But if you know anything about me, I don't believe anyone's doomed. And I believe there's an endless possibility for growth, transformation, change and liberation. That's why we're here. Right. So what do we do to work with that? Well, what's happening is when you're nervous around an authority figure or anxious or inhibited, there's a few things that are occurring. One, you are perceiving it as a threat, right? There's something at threat. That's why you're scared. Well, what's at threat? I want you to investigate this with me, not just have me tell you it all, but discover together here. So does that first part resonate like, oh, I feel under threat in some way. What's the threat? Well, the threat is typically of the authority figure having power. And they have the power to hurt me or, you know, by actively, you know, hitting me or disparaging me or causing some loss or pain in my life. Or they can hurt me by not giving me something that I want. Right? So simple example of authority would be a boss. Well, the boss can hurt me by firing me, thus taking away my job and income. Whereas, you know, or they could hurt me by not giving me the promotion that I want so I don't get fired, but I don't get what I want. Or in a dating situation, they could. They probably can't hurt me by taking something away, right? Because they don't, you know, but they could hurt you by not getting what I want. I want their number. I want to go on a date with this person. They don't. Now I'm. Now I feel hurt, Right? So there's a sense that someone can do something to you that's going to cause you pain, and that feels dangerous and threatening. And then so you go into some sort of pleasing mode, right? That's what, Inhibition, smiling, holding back, saying the right things, not saying anything at all. Overthinking, over planning. It's all around this. It's all a response to this simple sense of threat. Is this resonating for you? Are you seeing something about yourself right now? You having an aha moment? Great, so what do we do then? Well, if you see what's happening, it gives you a clue as to what to do. And that seems to be the first of our three ways. So what's happening is the first thing we need to do is we need to retrain ourselves to see that the authority figure can't actually hurt us. Now, that might seem a little strange because you're like, no, they could fire me as these. That's pretty clear, right? I'm not saying that someone can't do something that causes you emotional challenge or discomfort, but there's this stance of like, you can't. Like, I can handle whatever you can dish out. That's what I mean by it. So it's not like, you can't phase. It's like, I feel nothing, but whatever you can do, I am bigger than that and more than that and can handle anything you got. Like, bring it on. So the example of the boss at work, it's like, they could fire me, okay, great. I'll find another job. Find a better job. Right? So do you see how as soon as you adopt that stance now, the power that they have has been radically reduced? You know, what if that person says no to me in dating? Well, that's okay. I'll ask somebody else. That person will say yes, and it'll be a better fit, too. So do you see how that starts to remove the power that is imbued in the authority? And what this requires you to do is to take the next level of ownership in your life. Because most people are, you know, kind of going with the flow of the currents of life, and the wind is kind of guiding their direction more than them being the captain of Their ship. Now, that's not you, because you're listening to this show, and you are the captain of your ship. Yes. But as the captain of the ship, you are steering. You decide where to go. And so if there's adverse winds, if there's currents that go the other way, if there's an obstacle, there's a challenge, you steer around it. And it's the same thing with this. It's like, well, if they fire me, then I'll find a new way. It's like this determined attitude. And what that does is that starts to remove the threats. Another way to say this is you're sending a message of reassurance and safety to your nervous system. Your mind says, what if this happens? Okay, well, we'll find a way around it. And you might have a ton of plan B. You know, you specifically come up with alternatives to everything that could go wrong, but you could also just have a general sense of, hey, we'll figure it out. It's all right. And you literally say that to yourself when you're getting nervous. You think it to yourself. You say it out loud to yourself, like, hey, all right, I noticed that when things are very challenging or require immediate sort of like crisis situation, whether it's family or work thing or something like that, and I'm by myself, I will start to narrate out loud like, okay, here are my options. Here's what's going on. Let's do this. Let's not do that. It's like a way of getting me really focused to right now and actively coaching myself in a sane, reasonable, calm way. And that's what I would suggest that you do when you notice yourself getting really nervous. I got this meeting with this CEO. I got the meeting with so and so. Oh, no. Okay, what is it that I'm afraid I'm going to lose or how they're going to hurt me? Okay, if that happens, I got that. And you face it, face it ahead of time, it starts to remove their power. Then the next thing is to. The next way is to build on that by actively reminding yourself, I don't need anything from you. I really don't. And it might seem like you do. Like, of course I need my boss to like me. Aziz, are you crazy? Of course I need that person that I'm really into to want to like me back. It'd be devastating if they didn't. Okay. And what I'm talking about here is not that you don't want these things, not that you don't have preferences of course you do, you're human. It's the grasping and the illusion that if it's not this, then I'm not okay. If my boss doesn't like me today, I'm not okay. If this person doesn't want to date me, I'm not okay. That's not true. It's really not. I mean, you can make it true by saying the boss doesn't like me. I'm not okay. Okay, Now I'm not okay. So I'm gonna get really anxious now. Alright? I'm not safe. I'm not okay. Okay. I feel really not safe and not okay. Okay. See, I knew it. I knew it. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. And you wind yourself up, you freak yourself out or remind yourself, I don't need something from this person. You can use the old Tony Robbins affirmation, all I need is within me. Now, another one that I learned from my network, spinal chiropractor Ian Chambers, who I've interviewed twice on this podcast. You can go back and listen to his interviews, they're fantastic and fascinating, but his language around that would be like, everything that you need is available in the field around you. So you can think of going within, you can also think of going without. But it's all there. Something bigger is available. And that's another thing that we do is we mistakenly, when we imbue someone with authority, we mistakenly view them as the source of something, the source of love, the source of approval, the source of safety. And they're not. Your source of love. And approval of safety is bigger. You can think of it as coming from within, a core sense of self, compassion, the ability to be with any feeling that's disturbing or threatening or scary, and send it messages of soothing safety, love and presence and being with yourself. You can think of it as coming from the field around you, the energy around you, something bigger, the divine. Or you can think of it as multifaceted, like, yeah, I do need other humans and I do want to receive love and connection. But it's not all one source. It's available from many sources. It's like a river that's fed by many tributaries and streams. It's not just all one. We get myopic, we get short sighted and think, oh, this is just this one person is the only place that I need it. If I don't have it today, then I'm going to die. It's like approval addiction. And so we start to see through that and that actually leads to the third. And the ultimate way to dispel that fear of authority. And the best way to describe it is going to be to quote Judge Dredd. I think it was just called Dredd, actually, but he was Judge Dredd. It's not the old one, not the Sylvester Stallone one, but the newish one. I don't know when it was made, like 2008 or 10 or something. Maybe a little later than that. Fantastic movie. Highly recommend it. I. I'm kind of hit or miss on just pure action films. Like, I'm not a big fan of the superhero Marvel universe, which some people would turn off this podcast if they heard that. But, you know, I just, it's kind of like, I don't know, I'm not that into the characters. I do like the LEGO version that my kids watch. I find that highly entertaining. But, you know, so just raw action. I'm kind of hit or miss. There's just a few pure action movies. I usually need a little bit more depth to a movie. But Dread is one of those pure action that's got very little depth that I'm highly entertained by. And I think one of the reasons I'm so entertained by it is the character himself, Dread. You know, he's this almost robotic, sort of unflappable, non wavering force for completion of the mission. It's like masculine drive stripped away of everything else, maybe even the humanity. So it's just, it's a fascinating. There's something interesting in there. Plus he's got a bunch of cool weapons. Anyway, there's a gang. It's pretty interesting. It's in Mega City One, which is in the future. And most of America is an irradiated wasteland. And there's one Mega City. Maybe there's multiple megacities, but there's one, I think on the east coast that's 800 million people. It's like a bunch of cities combined into one. And they have these buildings, they have these superstructures that are like a mile high or something. Just gigantic super wide skyscrapers that are basically like a vertical city. And so he goes into one of these called Peach Trees because there's a call for some crime. And it turns out this entire skyscraper is owned by several different gangs that are kind of warring for control. And that the Judges, which are like the police of the future, stay clear of this spot because it's just kind of a wild west. Anyway, Dredd goes in there because he's a badass and Mama is the name of the leader of one of the gangs who has aggressively, basically, brutally taken over all the other gangs and now owns this whole building. And so he discovers that once he's in there and starts to work his way higher and higher through the ranks to basically kill Maw Maw. And she starts bringing out more and more of her weaponry. And there's all sorts of collateral damage and gruesome combat. But anyway, there's this one scene, and trust me, this relates to being an authority figure. Just stick with me. Totally relevant. This is a hundred percent planned story, I swear. Anyway, he's climbing through the levels of this massive superstructure and. And he gets to some point where they. I think she pulls out these huge Gatling guns and, like, shoots. You know, she's trying to kill him, but ends up killing a lot of the people in this city. And he gets, like, enraged by that. And so he taps into the whole intercom system of this gigantic building where he kind of wires into it and he speaks into it. And then everyone in the whole building can hear him. And you just see he's got this helmet on. I don't know if you've ever seen the Dread kind of character, but he's, like, armored up and he's got this helmet that covers everything but his mouth. So all you see is this kind of, like, slightly sweaty five o' clock shadow, intense mouth and nose, and he's like, mama is not the law. I am the law. That's part of his speech, his inspirational speech. He's basically like, don't mess with me or you'll be under arrest, and I'm gonna go kill you, Mama. So, but that line, mama is not the law. I am the law. He says it with such intensity and, like, power. And for some reason, that line always, like, just tickles something inside of me. I'm like, hell, yeah. Ganim Dread. Like, every time. See that movie, like, eight times. And I'm like, yeah. And so that's what you need to do. You need to go into your boss's office and say, listen, Jim, you're not the law. I am the law. No, no. But what you do need to do, and what Dread is doing in that scene, which is the point of this long, elaborate story, is reclaim authority. You are the authority of your life. He is not the law. She is not the law. You are the law. Now, don't take this 100% literally. I'm not saying that, you know, you don't have to obey the laws of your state or nation or whatever, but I'm talking about in Just human interaction. It's not guided by laws like how you are with your social interactions with your boss or in dating. I mean the laws are way outside on the edge of the boundary. Right. For the most part, it's a choose your own adventure. You get to choose if you speak up or you stay silent. If you're a director, if you're timid, you know all those things that you are the authority. I am the authority of my own life. Go ahead and say that out loud right now. I am the authority of my own life. I am. And stand taller or sit taller as you say that. Because so often people approach a boss like that person is the authority of their life and they're not. They might have an authority position in that role of you as a engineer or a mason or artist or whatever your craft or career is. Right. A doctor. Yes. That person's the attending or whatever and you're a resident. Okay. But there's knowing that this person holds an authority in a role. And then there's who's the authority of my life. And I'm always the authority of my life, regardless of what role. I mean, even if I was with an official like in a court system or something like that, like I'm still the authority of my own life, of my own self. And so I decide I live in my reality. What feels right to me. How do I want to communicate this, how do I want to navigate this? What do I want to say, what do I not want to say? What needs to be said, even if so and so who might not like that needs to say that. And what happens is you start to carry yourself totally differently. I've seen this again and again with clients in my Mastermind and other programs is they'll start to carry themselves like an authority even though they're not officially an authority position in their company. And then they start to be treated like an authority. People start to come to them and ask them more questions and eventually they are promoted because they're already living that way anyway. That's a key insight for you to take. That's the third way is to claim your own authority. And you want to go further with this. By the way, I'm just going to briefly mention I have a program called Total Social Freedom. It's a 90 day immersion coaching program. It's a group program. I lead those calls myself ton of step by step curriculum and action to really radically eliminate the fear of what they are going to think of you and reclaim the authority in your life and live life with full courage and authenticity. It's a powerful program. People absolutely love it. And it gets you from 0 to 60 in terms of expression and authenticity and boldness. And there's a lot of action steps in it, and it's great fun. So if you're interested in that, you can go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and click down below this episode. We'll have a link to where you can apply and learn more about that program. And then talk to a coach of my team, see if it's right for you. So let's talk about action now. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is to, you know, go find an authority figure in your life, kick down their door, pull out your stun gun. No, no. Judge Dredd moves here. I'm kidding. But what I do want you to do is one, claim that authority inside of yourself. And then I want you to focus on an authority figure that you used to feel nervous around. I want you to sit tall and just own and claim the authority. I am the captain of my ship. I am the authority of my life. And from this place, as you focus on that person, I want you to breathe and consciously send messages of safety. It's okay. I got this. And reminding yourself, I don't need anything from this person. This person's not the source that I seek. You can practice that right now, but I encourage you to also practice that before you're going to go interact before a meeting, before being around this person, before a date, wherever the authority figures are in your life. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.