5% More Real

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to talk about you being more you. More real, more authentic, more expressive, less inhibited, less hiding, less apologizing, less waiting and seeing and stepping into your life more fully and freely. How does that sound? Awesome. Let's do it. This is particularly relevant, actually, because we're going to be kicking off a new program I've created called Total Social Freedom. And it's a 90 day immersion program that helps you really apply everything you're learning in this podcast, everything you're learning from Not Nice on how to be less afraid of what other people think of you, which I call the headwind in that program that kind of blows against you, holds you back, slows you down, stops you, and how to be more you, boldly yourself, living in your own reality, being able to express yourself, be assertive, speak up, have conflict if you need it, and know who you are and stop living in this place of being what other people want you to be. So if you like the book Not Nice, if you like this podcast, you definitely want to check out that program where we're launching that like as we speak. So now is the time. If you want to be a part of that, what you can do is you can go to Shrink for the Shy Guy. And under this episode there will be a link to check out that and apply to be a part of that program. Also, if you're on my email list, you will receive emails about it as well. And if you're not, well, that's the place to be. Everyone's doing it. So you can go to drazeez.com and just sign up to get my ebook there and you'll be on my email list. So let me share more about how you can be more you. Now, the program will help you and let's talk about how to apply this in your life right now. So let me ask you this question. If you were 5% more real today. How would it be different? Just 5%, just leaning a little bit into that. And where do you notice that first? Is it all of a sudden you imagine you might be a little bit different at work or maybe with a certain family member, maybe in your romantic relationship, maybe with friends, maybe in what you express on the Internet or in social media. 5% more real. What does more real mean? Well, that might mean saying what is true for you, saying how you really feel, what you really perceive, what you really think. What I've often found is that this stuff is not that mysterious. It's there, we're just holding it inside. What's mysterious is perhaps some of the rules you feel like you have to play by or who you're supposed to be or you know, all these filters that you got, you just, next thing you know you're just holding back. And so really what this is about is about turning down those filters. In fact, there's a whole module in total social freedom about turning down the filters, a whole video about that, a lesson about that, and then being able to share what's there. And we also talk a lot about rules and roles in the program. So let me give you a specific example from my own life and then this will help illuminate some of these things. You can see what's going on in your life. So I have a commitment to be fully authentic, less nice, more boldly myself. And I find that there's kind of an inertia or a way that if I'm not on it, if I'm not aware of that and continually, you know, building that, leaning into that edge, then there'll be kind of this way that I might default into certain ways of being which are not very real and authentic. So what does that look like? Well, when you're not being real, you're not being you, you're going to be playing a role and you're going to be following certain rules in that role that are not you, that are not authentically your self expression. So for example, I noticed that we have some close family friends and they have little kids and we have little kids and so we'll get together, you know, whatever, it's someone's birthday or a dinner or something. And you know, there's my wife and two other couples and you know, a handful of kids and they all kids love each other, they play like crazy. And so I'm around these two other couples and I notice I'm just like, I don't know, I'm like, what I realized is, like, there's some opportunity to spend time with them. And I was like, I don't really want to. There's resistance inside. And I had stories that came with that. You know, I just want more alone time. I don't know. Maybe these are more your friends, Candace. That's my wife. More your friends, Candace. Not mine. Stories. I don't like it. They're not my people. I don't know. Kind of resisting separating myself. And then I had this awareness. I was like, you know, I feel kind of restricted around them. I feel inhibited around them. I thought, oh, that's interesting. And I thought about some of my other close friends. I don't feel that way around. I was like, well, that's. You know, I'm very different with, you know, my friend Landon and my friend Josh. Like, I just, you know, how am I different? And I started to look at it. I said, you know, I'm actually pretty different with those guys than I am with some of these friends. Huh. Wonder what's going on there. Because I could straight up blame it on, you know what? They're just. I don't resonate with them. They're not right for me. But I kind of smelled a little bit of BS on that. And maybe sometimes you see that for yourself, too. You're like, nah, maybe, but maybe I'm also. There's something more here for me to see. And I'm so glad I asked those questions, because there was so much more for me to see. And what I saw was, what is that restriction? I don't even know, but I feel it. There's something. And then you start to probe into it. And all of a sudden I said, what role am I playing? So I'm playing the role of friend. You have all these roles in life, right? Your friends, your lovers, your boyfriend, your husband, your wife. You're a kid, you're a parent. And, yeah, I mean, these are real roles that we play. You have a certain job that you do, but how you play it matters a lot. So I looked at it, I said, you know, the way I play friend, the role of friend is like, I'm expressive, I'm supportive. There's humor, there's love, there's connection. What am I feeling here? And I said, all of a sudden I realized, you know, I'm playing a different role with these other friends. I'm playing the role of, like, relative. And then it all made sense. I was like, oh, you know, we're around each other. There's little Kids around. It feels kind of like a extended family or something. And I realized I was playing the role of being with extended family, especially certain the rules that are there. And some of those rules are you don't speak up, you're generally more passive, not very transparent at all. This is how it was, especially with my dad's family growing up. You know, you spend time together, you share a meal together, but no one's talking about what's really going on. At least. I sure wasn't. Not a whole lot of inquiry into what's going on with you. There's just this way of being together, but being kind of separate and a little bit distant and a little bit safe. I realized I said, that's exactly what I'm doing with these friends. Barf? No, thank you. And the good thing was, I've been doing this work for so long, and as soon as I saw it, ah, it's liberating because I know that when I see it, it's going to change. And so I wonder for you, as you're reflecting on how you are at work, whatever your roles are you play at work. Employee, employer, boss, supervisor, supervisee, technician, engineer, whatever your thing is. Okay, what are the rules there? And there are certain rules that don't support you. Interestingly. Interestingly, when I get around Candace's family, she'll notice. She's like, why are you. You kind of change. I get more, and I play that role. This is how I am. I sort of become a little more vacant. Like, I'm not. I'm there physically, but I'm not there emotionally. I'm not sharing, I'm not expressive, I'm not animated, I'm not engaged. I'm just playing a role. And that's exactly what happens when you're playing a role. Your life force goes down, your animation goes down, your energy goes down, your satisfaction, enjoyment and fulfillment goes down. And so sometimes we blame the situation, we blame the people, we blame the work, we blame the whatever. And the problem might be you and the role that you're playing and how you're playing it. All these rules about how you're supposed to be and not supposed to be. And we got to become aware of those things and start to change them. So what are some places. And this is a little sneak peek of some of the exercises I do in total social freedom. It's like, what are some of the, perhaps the roles that you're playing that don't serve you? And what are some of those rules that don't work for you, because you can upgrade the rules, you can play a role entirely differently. One client I worked with, his rule for relationships was that he should never have any sort of romantic awareness or desire for anyone else. You know, he was committed in the relationship. He wasn't going anywhere. He really loved his partner. But a sense of like, I'm a bad person. I'm bad if I break this rule. So we needed to just update his rules. So sometimes it's about updating your rules, and sometimes it's about just deciding, you know, I'm going to be in a different role with these people. And so as soon as I saw that, I said, you know what? I'm going to show up differently. So how would I be with friends if I'm not with distant relatives? And I'm not playing that role, I'm playing the role of friend. I realized there's a lot more leadership in that. I lead in a way. I don't wait passively for someone to ask me if I want to share something. I'll share what's going on. I'll share spontaneously. I'll also be vulnerable and real about what's happening. Or if I notice something, I'll share it. So all of a sudden, we had this plan to spend some time with them. And all of a sudden, instead of it being this burden, it became exciting. I felt energized. I said, great, so I want to be different. And I was. And you might be in that place right now where you can just see it and decide to be different. I did not start there. First of all, I didn't even see it. And then even if I did see it, I felt like, yeah, but I have to play this role. I have to play by these rules or else I'm gonna be rejected. Or else they're not gonna like me, else I'm gonna be bad. And, man, that was the strongest for me in dating, definitely. It's like, okay, I gotta be this kind of guy. I gotta play the role of. Especially when I started learning the pickup artist stuff, I gotta play the role of the alpha man, which is, you know, less emotional, more kinda callous or something. I don't know. So many rules, right? Rules of how I'm supposed to respond to her and how long I'm supposed to take and ways I'm supposed to be unavailable and how I'm supposed to posture myself as this or that or stories I'm supposed to tell, all these things. Constantly assessing, is this going to make me more of that role or less which is more attractive, better barf. So what we want to look at is how do you really want to be? How do you really want to show up? What, how do you want to play the roles in your life? How do you want to be as a man in dating or a woman in dating or in your relationship? How do you want to be. Computer agrees there. How do you want to be at work? How do you want to be in your career and different roles you play there? How do you want to be with your friends? How do you want to be with your loved ones? And so there's deciding it. Then you got to build a muscle. And that's why I talk a lot about total social freedom and why it's a 90 day program. And what I tell people is, and we ran a pilot of it earlier this year and it was powerful. And this is a feedback we got. People were doing more in those three months than they did in previous three to 30 years. And a lot of people had read my book not nice and said, oh, I did a little bit there, or I did a fair amount there, but nothing like this. And so you gotta build this muscle and it truly is a muscle and it's uncomfortable. But when you start to build it, you start to realize, I can steer. And just like anything else, if you used to be in shape earlier, if you're in pretty decent shape and then you see it, you know you want to get a little stronger here or there, you can just do it. And so I showed up that evening to spend time with these friends and I just came in differently. I came in a more free feeling, first of all, because I don't have to be a certain way. I spontaneously shared a lot more. Instead of waiting to be asked, waiting to be a sort of like passive person. I shared more ideas, I shared more about my interests, I asked more questions. I was just way more engaged. And I also felt there's something about, with my role of being with extended family that I sort of feel responsible to make sure everyone feels attended to. Kind of a nice guy thing. And I just didn't, I didn't play by that. I was just kind of in and out of conversation. Or I'd talk with someone for a little bit and be like, oh, oh kids want me. I'll be back in a minute. And I didn't feel like over really responsible for like. But they were in the middle of telling me something, I have to be smiling and nodding. So many nice guy patterns. And then interestingly enough, there's a couple Other times where I was having a conversation with my wife and then one of the other friends came up, and normally I'd be like, oh, I can't talk about this with them because I don't know why, it's private or something. And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to keep going. So I told her about some of the situation that was going on. And then a little bit later, I noticed that I felt embarrassed a little bit. And I felt embarrassed because recently I've got some new clothes, and I like them a lot. They're nice. I have this thing that I just am recently seeing about nicer clothes. And I grew up and I kind of had the identity of, like, I don't care about clothes, man. Because I didn't have cool clothes. I wasn't a cool guy. And I kind of said, you know what? I buy cheap thrift store stuff, and the people that spend money on clothes are stupid. That was my identity. And then when I was in my early 20s and I was trying to learn how to be more confident, one of the things I was listening to said, hey, it helps if you want to get clothes that look good and are nice. That doesn't hurt you in dating. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to do it. So I bought some newer clothes and felt a lot better in them, actually. It fit me well and all those things. But then somewhere along the way, perhaps I moved to Portland, got into more hippie circles. And then there's this idea like, you're not, you know, spending money on clothes is stupid, man. Anyway, so recently I got a few nice clothes that I really love. They're really, like, strong kind of outdoor clothes. I can wear them, I can run in them. I can. They just feel so versatile and strong, and I love it. Anyway, I'm wearing these new clothes around and I notice. I feel embarrassed. I'm imagining these friends are going to judge me for these clothes. And so I just narrated that. I said, hey, guys, I'm just gonna notice. I noticed that I feel embarrassed right now. And it sparked this really interesting conversation about clothes and people's perceptions. And sure enough, they weren't judging me. It was all in my head. And I knew it was all in my head. But I've also. I know the power. The fastest way to free yourself from any shame or embarrassment is to share it in a safe environment. And I know these friends can go there, and they have a depth to them, that they're able to connect with me around that so all of, I mean, I just had a fantastic time that evening. I felt so, you know, I felt like me is what it is. And when you do this, when you practice this stuff, you're gonna feel more like you and you are gonna be more like you because you have an authentic way that you want to express, you want to speak, you want to move. And it's different sometimes than those roles and the rules that you go by. I mean, think of it as like, there's many different ways to think about you and expressiveness and authenticity. And we have a whole module called true authenticity inside a total social freedom. But think of one way to think of it is there's a current like your water, and you want to flow and you want to flow down this river and you're going to steer left and right and faster and slower. And that's your natural expression. Well, the rules are kind of like hard concrete lines that are trying to direct the flow of the water. And that might not feel right for you, that might not be you, but hey, you gotta or else. That's how these rules work. You gotta be this way or else. And that's one of the most liberating things that we can do, is to really see that the or else isn't true. That we can be this other way and we can be more free to be ourselves and we can start to enjoy it. And not only that, we can start to actually get better responses from many people in our lives, not everybody. Some people might challenge you and say, no, no, no, go back into that role, go back to those rules. But if you persist as being you, you will attract way better fits in your life. You'll experience a lot more energy, enthusiasm and confidence because you're being you. And you'll also start to really feel more loved because you're able to share more and be you more and then receive that. It's like the barriers between you and others are removed. So you can actually connect. You can actually feel that love between you and a friend, or you and a lover, you and a spouse, or you and a family member because you're not like, well, I'm playing by all these rules. So you like me, right? It's like, hey, I'm being me and they like me. And that feels great. And it does. It really radically increases your self esteem in a way that looking in the mirror and saying I love myself, I love myself doesn't. So we got to actually get in the game, break out of the cage and start to live more fully and authentically. So let's turn this into an action step. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step today is going to be to ask yourself that question. What if I were 5% more real today? How would I show up and then just do it? See what that answers come to your mind. See how that maybe it's a specific thing you want to say or do a specific action. Maybe it's just a certain way you want to carry yourself. Maybe you're going to stand a little differently or move a little differently or laugh a little more freely. Whatever it is, the goal behind 5% is, it doesn't have to be something huge because if you say, okay, I'm gonna radically change everything today, that can freak us out. And I'm willing to. You know, the example I shared was like me making a quick shift. And I want you know you can do that too. It's just a matter of how much capacity you feel like you've built up to challenge those rules and those roles. And again, I'm gonna highly recommend that you check out Total Social freedom. Go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and go to this episode and you'll be able to find the link to that because now is the time to get on board with that. We're having a special during the launch where it's going to be a lower ticket to be a part of that program. It's a 90 day immersion. It's through an application process. So you're going to apply and then connect with a member of my team. Make sure it's a good fit. But now is the time to get started. This is going to be a powerful kickoff to you being fully you in 2021, and I look forward to seeing you inside that program if it's a good fit. And until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sam.