7 Secret Mindsets Of Highly Skilled Conversationalists

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to talk about the seven separate secret mindsets of highly skilled conversationalists. So if you want to become better at talking to people, more confident, more skillful, more socially capable, this is the episode for you. Because in the last episode we talked about how to smoothly talk with anyone, where I talked about some of the specific skills when it comes to talking to people. So if you haven't listened to that, make sure you catch that one right after this one. This will round out some very powerful free social confidence training for you that will really help you grow in this year and beyond. So be sure to check that one out. But this one is extremely valuable because this is looking at the mindsets of people who are very skilled at talking with others. And if there's one thing I've learned over the years is that you can really master an area, not just by practicing it, that's valuable, that's essential, but by studying the. The people that are already good at it, and then understanding their mindset, their approach, how they think, how they approach a problem or a situation, what they do, how they handle it, all of that, because then you get to model that. And when you apply their mindsets and the practice now you have a formula for rapid growth and transformation in any area, any skill, including conversation mastery. So I'm super excited to share this stuff. We go way more in depth in this. This is gonna be everything I can share in this podcast episode. But if you are serious about transforming your conversation confidence, your ability to connect with anyone, to smoothly approach people, start conversations, join into groups, always know what to say next, be comfortable in your own skin. And then using that conversation confidence to grow in your career, to network, to promote yourself, to grow a business, to get more clients and customers, to. To develop deeper relationships, not just for business, but for socially develop deeper friendships, lasting friendships, to be able to engage people socially Tell stories, be the center of attention, and actually enjoy it. And, of course, use this skill for dating and relationships, too, because how essential is that when it comes to connecting? If you really want to master this, then come out to Portland. We're doing a live event called Supremely Confident Conversation Master. And we do that in April, April 17th through 19th, for just a little bit longer. You can get the Super Early Bird, where it's a massive amount off of the full ticket price. It's $1.97 during the Super Early Bird, and then it goes up to the regular early bird, which is $9.97, and then the full price after that, which is $19.97. So now is the time to take advantage of it. And like anything, if you immerse yourself in this environment for three days and nights, you're going to grow like crazy. And we have people leaving these events always doing things that they've never done before, seeing themselves as way more capable of this, and then taking that home. In fact, there's one client who came to this event, and he worked in software, and he said, you know, I used to go around my office and just not interact with anybody. And after this event, I mean, he had a total turnaround. He was on fire. And he said, you know, I'm going to keep this going, which is what we teach at the event. You can't just do this here for three days and then expect that it lasts. Like, now you're charged up now. Go practice this at home. And so he did, using the tools that we taught, and he was just on fire. He started connecting with people, saying hi, starting conversations, leading the conversation, following his fascination, sharing more freely and spontaneously. He started asking different people out to lunch, and it was hilarious. Within the first week, not only had he made a ton more connections, but he had two different people ask him at two different times, are you new here? And he's like, what? I've been here for, like, I think it was like six years or something. He's been in this job. And two people ask me if he was new because he hid in his office. He hid in his little cubicle the whole time he was there. So total transformation, rapid transformation is possible. Let's talk about how, because these are the mindsets of highly skilled conversationalists. And again, if you want to master this yourself, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com under this episode, we will have a link to the super early bird. Shrinkforthshyguy.com There'll also be a tab on the column on the side sidebar, where you can click on the events, or you can go to socialconfidencecenter.com socialconfidencecenter.com that's my main website. And then there's a tab at the top that says events. Click on that and you'll see the conversation master event and all the details, as well as your chance to register there for the super early bird. So what we're talking about, whether it's at the live event or here in this podcast, is how to adopt the mindsets of highly skilled conversationalists. So when I share these mindsets here with you now, I want you to just notice when I say this, this is their mindsets. This is stuff that I learned from other people and then I adopted myself. And through practicing and applying it, they internalize and you get to see them more and more as you. So when I say this, in each of these upcoming mindsets, notice if it lands, if it rings true for you, or if you're like, that's not true for me, then that's a problem. That's a sign that you might need to upgrade that one. And if you know it lands, you're like, oh, that is true for me. That's a good sign that you might already have that mindset. Okay, here we go. Number one, Number one secret mindset of highly skilled conversationalists is I am an interesting person. I am an interesting person. They know this. Of course I'm interesting. And people that struggle in conversations have a very strong story that they're not interesting. I'm not an interesting person. I don't have enough adventures. I don't have enough things to share. My life's boring. No one's going to want to talk to me because of that. I'm boring people. I'm dull and so forth. So this is a much bigger topic to drill into than we have time for. But oftentimes they're not boring people. What's happening is they're ignoring all the stuff that's going on in their life. I remember I worked with a client who was a doctor, and he worked in a hospital at that time, and he worked in oncology. And he felt like a boring person. And so I said, you know, he said, when people ask me how my day was, I just feel so boring. And I was like, what would you say in response? I said, hey, how's your day going? And he gave me this answer. He's like, well, got up, went to the hospital, did some rounds, did some stuff. There. And then I got home, went to the gym and ate some food, came home, I was like, wow, that does sound pretty terrible. But it's not the activities he's doing. It's his energy and his dismissing of it. Because when you think we're boring, we dismiss ourselves and communicate in a boring way. And so I said, what happened at the hospital? And I started to drill in there, and I found out, and this was almost like a setup, literally, that day, he found something out on someone's chart that the other doctor had missed and like, alerted whatever he needed to do to address that, that the person would have died if they hadn't caught. That he missed something. Key in some aspect of their diagnosis. I don't. I remember the details. This was years ago. And I kept on asking, I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So what would happen if you hadn't caught that? And then I kind of had to pull it out. And he's like, well, I guess they would have. They would have died. So you could say that you saved someone's life today. And he laughed and he's like, yeah, I guess, technically. Although I wouldn't say that. And I'm like, okay, why not? Why not make your life fucking epic? Because it is. Why discount it? Why not that you have to brag, you know, go down the hospital floors, being like, I saved someone's life today, you know, but you're sharing with your. On a date, you're sharing with a friend. You'd be like, whoa, something crazy happened in the hospital today. I'm so glad I found this. I feel so proud. I feel so happy. I feel so grateful. It's amazing to be able to contribute to this person and their family by fucking keeping them alive. Right? So it's not in you in your life. It's in how you're sharing. And then one caveat I'll say to that is sometimes people feel dull and boring and uninteresting because they're not engaging in life. They're not taking life on. They're hiding. They're living in their comfort zone. They're just getting high and playing video games and staying in their house, which I did for many years. Right. So then, you know, yeah, you could drum up something interesting about the video game you're playing, but it's not gonna be that appealing to that many people unless they're into that video game too. So you can't generalize it to people, so it's not gonna be as interesting to people. You gotta get out there, you gotta engage in life. And that's a whole bigger issue around confidence and not living under fear and restriction, but actually living you fully and stepping out and breaking outside your comfort zone and get into your discomfort zone. In any case, that's a whole topic I love to get passionate and fired up about. But for now, I am an interesting person. Gotta internalize that identity, that mindset. Number two, I am worthy of attention. I'm worthy of attention. So many people that struggle with conversations don't feel worthy of attention. So when attention gets on them, they squirm, and they want to get it off of them as quick as possible. If you're one of those people, here's how you find out. So you're talking to somebody and they're sharing about their day, their week, their business, their interests, their hobbies, their family, their relationship, their dogs, whatever. And you're. Oh, interesting. Oh, yeah, tell me more. Yeah, yeah. And then they say, yeah, well, anyway, how about you? What's going on in your life? And you get this kind of, like, panicky, get it off me, get it away from me feeling. And you're like, well, you know, that's pretty good. I'm taking care of some stuff. Anyway, so what's going on over there with you? You know what I'm talking about? The old deflecto move. So that's a sign you don't like the attention on you. Another sign you don't like the attention on you. What if there's more than one person? What if you have 2 or 3 people or 5 people or 10 people or 100 people listening to you and you're terrified of that? That is also, I'm not worthy of the attention for whatever reason, whatever your story, you could put in a million there. The why is less important than just some sense of not being worthy of attention. So people who are highly skilled at conversations know, of course I'm worthy of attention. Number three, they believe this. I can connect with anybody. I can connect with anybody. Doesn't mean we'll be best friends or that we're gonna have some lasting lifelong friendship, but I can connect with anybody. And there's a certainty in that. And just think about how does that affect how you approach somebody if you know you can connect with anybody, old, young man, woman, transgender, queer, gay, heterosexual, any different race or ethnicity, any different culture, I can connect with anybody. Now, what does that open up for you? How do you think someone approaches someone if they think they can connect with anybody versus, oh, my gosh, that's a man in a suit. I can't do that. Or, oh, my gosh, that's a beautiful woman. I can't talk to women. They're scared. Whatever her stories are. Any specific select group you can't talk to versus I connect with anybody or someone who's like, you're not intimidated by them, but you're like, oh, whatever. It's just some teenager, some old man. It's not worth my time. I like to say that to people. You're just an old man. You're not worth my time. Now that's confidence, baby. No, I'm just joking. Okay. I can connect with anybody. Number four, of course people would want to talk with me. Now, this one really just naturally follows the other three. So if I'm an interesting person and I'm worthy of attention and I can connect with anybody, of course people are gonna want to talk with me, right? Because they're gonna have an interesting, worthwhile conversation. I'm fun to talk to. I'm engaging people like me. Of course they would. Of course people would want to talk with me. That's number four. And number five, of course people would like me. Cause that's another big fear that we have when we're nervous, right? Is like, I'm not gonna be able to talk to them, and then they're not gonna like me. It's not just like, oh, we didn't quite connect on a conversation topic or whatever, so we picked a new one. And then we got off, you know, had a great conversation. It's. Oh, my God, they're gonna not. We're not gonna be able to talk that well. Or even if I'm trying and putting effort in and leading the conversation, being friendly, they're just gonna inside be like, oh, my God, when is this person gonna leave? Why is he still talking to me? Can't he tell that he's utterly uninteresting, unworthy of my attention, and just a terrible sub human. Get away from me? How do I get out of this conversation? Like, that's what we're imagining to some degree. They're thinking that's what we're afraid of anyway. And, you know, that's not a master conversationalist mindset. Of course people would want to talk to me. And of course people would like me. Number six. Now, you might be thinking, as you've heard these last couple. Yeah, but, okay. They come in with that certainty that people are going to want to talk with them, but what if they don't? What if someone does dislike Them. What if they do have a hard time connecting? What if that other person's closed or not open? Well, that leads to number six. If someone's not open to talking right now, that's about them, and that's fine. If someone's not open to talking with me right now, that's about them, and that's fine. So you don't need to control outcomes. I assume positivity. I assume someone's gonna want to talk to me because I'm an interesting person, I'm fun to talk to. And if they're not open to that, that's okay. That has nothing to do with me. That doesn't mean I'm not interesting. That doesn't mean I'm not worthy of attention. They're just doing their. Whatever, their own thing. I mean, people are absorbed in their own thoughts. They're stressed out. They're worried. They have a story. They need to get something done. There's fascinating research. When people feel rushed, they become just rotten humans. We've all done it. I mean, have you ever been stressed? You felt late for something and, you know, like, one of my kids is like, daddy, help me with blah, blah, blah. I can't right now. I'm late. I have to go. There's a famous study of the seminary students. I learned about this in graduate school, where the people are. They're training to be called preachers, reverends. I don't know what the denomination is, priests. But anyway, they're going to be religious leaders, and they're going to give sermons and such. And they did this really interesting study where they had them go to be giving a sermon, and the sermon is going to be on the Good Samaritan, which means you pause to help someone in need, even a stranger, you know, and it's a high virtue in the Christian faith, and probably any faith, right, is to help people in need. Especially if you're not going to get something out of it, it's not for your own benefit. It's for the benefit of the other person. And for humanity, it's altruism. And so they're practicing the Good Samaritan sermon, and then they are going to go give it. And the caveat is that they had someone pretending to be in need, like, injured, like, having a. Like, grabbing their chest, being like, ugh, and maybe look like they're having a heart attack or something. And the seminary student is going to go give this sermon. So they kind of set him up, right? And they have different conditions on it on whether they are Gonna stop or not? Just to see what they're gonna stop. So for some of the students, this Good Samaritan thing is their favorite sermon. And so they think, well, maybe if it's their favorite sermon, they're gonna stop more often because they really believe in it. And for other students, it's not their favorite sermon, so maybe they're gonna stop more or less or less than the other group. Turns out it doesn't matter if it's their favorite sermon or not. You know, what matters is that one of the groups, they told them, okay, you gotta give your sermon and you're late. Go hustle and get there. And so everyone is like, I gotta get to the. Get out of my way. Get out of Old man with your heart attack. Gotta go give this sermon on helping strangers who are in need. So when we're late, we just become a dick. Science proves it. So maybe that person you're talking to in that networking meeting or that, you know, even that's the person you want to date or something to meet, they're feeling stressed, they're feeling like time scarcity, I gotta get more done, I don't have time. Or they're feeling, you know, anxious about something, or they're feeling worried about some outcome, or they're feeling unworthy, or they're feeling irritated about something, or they have a story like, I don't like this. I don't want people to come talk to me when I'm trying to do this other thing. That's fine. An expert conversationalist just says, you know, if someone's not open to talking with me right now, that's about them and it's fine. And number seven, I'm not for everybody. This one is huge. It's huge. I'm not for everybody. Because here's the thing, even if someone, let's say the person's not stressed, let's say they're like, I'm open hearted, I'm present, I'm enjoying talking to everybody. And you're like, wow, that person's so friendly. And everyone seems to like them. And you go talk to them and they're like, hmm. And they get more cold or distant or standoffish. They don't want to talk to you. Okay, that's alright. I'm not for everybody. I'm for some people. I'm for my people, but I'm not for everybody. Not every single human is gonna love me and want to talk to me. And yeah, I'm gonna go in assuming that of course people would want to talk with me. And of course people would like me because I'm awesome. And sometimes they don't, which is shocking to me. Right? But that's okay. I'm not for everybody. So here's my question for you. These are the mindsets. Which ones really resonate with you, and which ones feel, like, 180 degrees different than how you think, feel, and act about yourself in your life right now? Because here's the thing, you gotta upgrade these, otherwise you're gonna struggle your whole life with it. Thinking I'm a boring person doesn't just go away. Those are. Right, that's an identity. You can think that. I mean, how long have you been thinking that? Or any other one of these mindsets that you have? The opposite. So I'm a boring person with the opposite of the first one. I'm not worthy of attention. I can't connect with people. No one would want to talk with me. People aren't going to like me. If someone's not open to talking with me, it's because I am unlikable or bad at it or a loser, basically. And I need everyone to like me. And if they don't, it means I suck. What a delightful list. That's the mirror image. That's the opposite. Those are the seven secrets of highly anxious and uncomfortable conversationalists right there. So how many of those do you have right now? And the sad truth is, they ain't gonna change unless you change them. Because what happens when we have a negative, shitty identity? We seek to confirm it. It's called the confirmation bias. So if I think I'm a boring person and I go try to talk to somebody and that person doesn't want to talk to me, I'm like, see it? I knew it. I'm a boring person. Faith verified right there. Shit. So now how am I going to approach the next conversation? The next conversation, if I approach them at all? So we got to break out of this. We got to transform. We got to consciously shift these identities. And you know the most powerful, fast, rapid way to do that? Right? It's bold action. And what is the most effective form of action? Massive bold action. That's why I encourage you to come out to my supremely confident conversation master event where you get the early bird right now, you heard me mention it earlier in the show, but maybe by listening to this, it's inspiring you enough to say, you know what? I'm gonna take that leap. And we make those bold decisions in a moment. Like, you could decide right now. I'm gonna do this. And then don't delay and say, oh, maybe I'll think about it for another three weeks. That's why we have the super early bird to incentivize you, to make you say, you know what? Now is the time to do it so I can get there cheaper. I can spend that money on flights and accommodations, make it more accessible and get there and actually have this experience to really transform my conversation confidence and then therefore, my life. So I highly encourage you to do that. You can go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com, click on the Events tab or go to ShrinkForthShyGuy.com and you'll be able to find it on there under this episode as well as on the sidebar. So let's get into action now. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is to take these seven secret mindsets of highly skilled conversationalists and, like, recite them out, read them to yourself. I'd recommend doing this once a day, and I'm going to recap them right now. So if you're motivated, you can write them down. We'll also have them down below the episode in the episode notes. So you can just go copy and paste them. Or you could actually pause the audio and write each one down. Now, that'd be more powerful because you'd be internalizing it starting right now. But here's what they are. Number one, I am an interesting person. Two, I am worthy of attention. Three, I can connect with anybody. Four, of course people would want to talk with me. Five, of course people would like me. Number six, if someone was not open to talking with me right now, that's about them, and that's fine. Number seven, I'm not for everybody, so write those down or get them from shrinkforthshyguy.com, internalize them, recite them, live them, practice them. Take bold action consistently until they become your reality. And then when they do, man, everything gets better. And you can prime yourself before you go, have a social interaction even before you go to work, if you want to be more social there. Before you go to a party, before you go to a mixer, before you go on a date, before you meet with friends, before you go to dinner party. Read these. Seven, recite them out loud in your car right there. If you're driving by yourself, or do it in the shower before you go, or when you're getting ready, just recite these things and you'll live into them that much more powerfully. So thanks for being with me today. You got this. You can do this. You are doing this. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.