A Confidence Transformation Journey

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about confidence transformation, which is nothing new. If you listen to this show, you know that that's pretty much what we're focused on, is how to go from a place of social anxiety or low confidence, or not believing in ourselves or thinking there's something limited about our ability to connect with others, talk with others, be boldly ourselves in the world. And this show is all about shattering that so you can emerge as you 100% you, boldly yourself, unapologetically yourself, and really liking who you are. And then from that place, contributing so much to the world. And a lot of our episodes point to that, talk about that, give tips and strategies on how to do that. But something that we haven't done as much of, which I'd like to do a lot more of, is actually highlight how that's happening real time, day in and day out. People that I work with, people that are in my groups, people that come to live events, are experiencing a deep transformation in their confidence. And today we're fortunate to have someone with us who not only is experiencing that transformation, has grown so much in the last few years, but is also turned around and been able to contribute greatly through his own teaching, his own podcast, his own training for other people now, as well as work he's done on my team as a coach. So without further ado, let's bring you in. Dylan, thank you for joining us today. He.

Yeah, thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. This should be fun.

Yeah. So let's talk about. I mean this. In future episodes, I'm going to have you guest hosts. You have ton of wisdom you can share with us just about confidence in life, athletics, soft skills, all these things. But for today, I really want to focus in on you and your journey. So maybe you could start with listeners like, where were you?

Let's.

Let's rewind because we've been working together what about two years now?

Yeah, just about two years.

Let's rewind to like say two and a half years ago and kind of describe a day in your life. What are some of the things you were restricted around, inhibited around all that? What was your life like?

Sure, yeah. Reflecting on it, I would say that I. There were certain areas where I just felt super stuck, honestly. So the. When I got really into personal growth was around right after college. I graduated and I had a job and I just. My life wasn't horrible, but I just felt really bored. I felt really in this state of what happens now. I got this job that I was not excited by. I had a group of friends in college, but I went to School in St. Louis and I live in Portland. So when I moved back, I didn't have that same friend group and I was struggling to make friends. I didn't know what to do in the dating life world of things. And. Yeah, so in general, I was just. I was bored. I felt a little bit stuck. And then I got exposed to the idea that you can start learning and growing at things. I was an engineering major in college, so I just. I didn't really read outside of that or anything like that. I just did my homework and whatever, did my thing. But then after college, I started reading books and getting exposed to the idea that you can grow and improve it really anything. And so when I was exposed to the idea that you can improve in confidence and in social skills and in dating and all this stuff, I took to it and I started wanting to learn and master everything I could. And especially with your stuff, I found I. I really resonated with it and it helped that you lived in Portland and it kind of snowballed from there.

Yeah, I'm actually really curious about even reminding even further as you're talking. So you're in college and you're just studying engineering. You're still probably having some of those limitations, I'd imagine. Did you not notice it was. It. It was easier because that environment gave you more opportunities. What led to it not really coming to the surface until after.

I think in college it's easier to make friends. Right. You're in this environment where you're surrounded by all people your age. So I wouldn't say I was not the most social guy, but enough so to where I had a small group of friends who I. Who I enjoyed hanging out with. And it was after college where I think it really takes skill and it takes initiative. To go out, at least that I found. To go out and build that community and build those friendships for yourself, if you don't already have it existing. So that was kind of where I felt this pain point. And probably what got me so into personal growth stuff, especially around social skills and social confidence and all that stuff.

Yeah.

Was. Yeah. I felt the pain of not having that social life, that dating life, not being able to speak up in my career and in general, just feeling like I wasn't showing up boldly as myself, like you like to say.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, and I think that's true there. Sometimes our environment can kind of shelter us and make things a bit easier so that we don't necessarily notice. Oh, wow. I am not able to. Like, my sense is that in college you might not have been fully expressed and able to be you and all these things, but you didn't notice that as much because I have some friends, I have some connections. It's good enough.

Things were good enough. I think you've talked about this. Sometimes it takes hitting a pain point to be like, I need to make a change. Yeah. And I. And I also just wasn't exposed to the idea, maybe the growth mindset idea that you can learn and grow and get better at everything. So a combination of those two things made me, like, when I. When those hit, I was like, let's do this. Threw myself in.

Which is extremely common, unfortunately. I mean, most families. It sounds like maybe your family. My family growing up, definitely parents loved me. They wanted to expose me to education. They would expose me to sports, music, even. My. My mom was very musical, so I got exposure to instruments and then.

Yeah.

Study hard, do well in school. We wanted to get you in college. Like, a lot of encouragement around education, but no, education was very limited to academia and then performance in the job world. The idea that you could educate yourself in the stuff that we're talking about, the soft skills, the conversation skills, the confidence in general, was completely unknown to them and therefore unknown to me in the world that I grew up in.

Yeah, same here. The model of learning is just you learn via school and you get a certain degree and it's in a certain area and not that you can learn in all these other ways and there are no certifications for them and that you can learn a whole lot more than you through your traditional education.

Yeah. So, you know, you. You reach that point, you decide, okay, I want to shift this. And. And you started to study, started to see that there was a possibility to shift, and Then let's flash forward to you coming into. So you came to that event. It was the ultimate confidence breakthrough in 2017.

Yep, nailed it.

Okay, so what was your experience coming into. You know, you'd already sounds like you're already on some personal growth and then you came into a room where it's like that's what we're doing to the nth degree. What was your experience at that first event?

Yeah, I didn't really know what to expect. I was in the. I honestly I think in. No offense here, but if I didn't live in Portland, I probably wouldn't have traveled or gone out of my way to go to your event.

Yeah, Dylan, you cut me deep.

Yeah, it's just like the stars aligning and great coincidences where I'm so grateful for it. And yeah, the event. I didn't know what to expect. I. My knowledge about seminars or live events or whatever was very limited. I thought we were just going to be intaking information, just learning and I thought that that was the way that somebody learns. And I think what I've learned is that knowledge and information. I think there's a great Derek Sivers quote that's like if information were the answer, we'd all be billionaires with six pack abs. And what I found to be much more useful and much more transformative is stuff that actually gets through to you at a deep level and changes how you experience the world, changes your emotional state, changes your just view view of the world, your map of the world.

Yeah, yeah. Because then, then all that information that you have can now be used in a totally different way when your emotion is different and your mindset and your approach to the world is different. And I love what you. I'm actually glad you shared that because I think that is extremely common. I know that there are people listening right now who've like thought about a live event, want, want to do it, would do it if it was in their city and they're like ah. And fly somewhere. And I think part of that's a fear of the unknown or some sense of. I don't know if I want it that bad. But I think if people knew what the experience was and what the result was on the other side then they would fly any distance. And we actually see that in people that come back once they've been to one and there's that, but it's just sort of like stepping. It's really what it is. It's like I think there's, you know, we were talking about that Education is not this stuff. It's what you learn in school. I think most people, even if they kind of knew about it, it's so rare for people to grow up in an environment where they're like, we believe in, you know, educating yourself outside of school. And it's so important to do. And it's worth flying places to do it. Like that just feels out of it feels strange for most people. Unfortunately, still to this day.

Yeah, yeah. It's funny, I used to feel a lot of shame about sharing the personal growth stuff that I would do, especially with people who I didn't know if they were interested in that stuff or not. We recently got back from a Tony Robbins seminar, which was amazing. And I came in on Monday or Monday or Tuesday and my voice was super shot because you scream and yell at the event most of the time, which is amazingly energy boosting. Like the state you feel in from doing that is wild. It's, it's pretty amazing. And so I was taking some just, I think cold medicine to try to heal my sore throat. And this guy notices it and he's like, oh, you were at that seminar? Is that why you're feeling sick? And I was like, well, I'm not really that sick. It's more that I was screaming for four days straight and he, it just blew his mind. He's like, it was a seminar and you spent the time screaming and yelling and dancing. And I was like, yeah, it's great. It's amazing how much you can intake information and learn and grow through doing things like that. He's like, had described what a peak state is, which we were, we've been getting, trying to get more and more into recently. And he was like, I think a peak state for me is just curled up with a beer.

Pathway to success.

Yeah, he was joking. He's a great guy. But it's, it's, it's effective and it works and it's just not what our society does.

Yeah, yeah. And that's really, you know, what we are focused on, you know, in the confidence. Work is whatever it takes and whatever works. And so what did you experience? And I don't know if you can remember over, say the first year versus the second year of your going through the Mastermind program. But so after the event, you joined the unstoppable confidence Mastermind and showed up 110%. You were, you know, you were into it. You were like, I'm there to study, I'm there to learn. You went through the programs. You were at the Events you were on the calls, volunteered for hot seat time. So you were really like utilizing the program, not. Not taking a backseat. And what did you experience over that first or anything you want to share that comes to your mind from that first year in the program?

Sure, yeah. It's funny, what we were just talking about, I think relates a lot to how I took things in at first because I think my experience as far as learning and as far as growing was you need to intake all the information that you can. So I remember like just wanting more and more and more. And I would. We had a history of all the calls, you know, the past calls from when you get in, you have access to those. And so I would go through those and you know, I would like take notes on all of our. All of our Mastermind meetings. And I think there was a shift into more I want to transform myself on a deep emotional level. And things became much less about the information that I was taking in and a lot more about, okay, how do I get it from being in my head to being in my body and in my gut and in my heart?

Yeah. And what is. What did that mean for you to like transform in an emotional way, in a deeper way?

Yeah, I think a couple things. I think in some way just being on the calls and really just making your environment where you are exposed to positive information all the time, it kind of transforms you on a subconscious level. It's not just this intellectual understanding, but it's more. Oh, now I've been exposed to enough things about entrepreneurialism, for instance, that I see things through this lens of you don't have to have a job or I've been exposed to enough material about how you need to have a positive grateful mindset that. That has sort of sunk in. I think there's also. And you talk about this constantly, but it's. It's not something you can just talk about and experience, but a By feeling and feeling. More like that's been the ultimate pathway to. I don't. Success isn't the right word, but that's the ultimate pathway to mastering your inner game is the capacity to feel anything. Because all our fears are fears of feelings. And if you aren't afraid of your feelings, you're not afraid to take the external actions out there.

Yeah, it sounds like really getting on deep level that in order to be able to succeed in the ways that we want or get these outcomes, we need to be able to do things in the world and. Or be able to do those things, we have to Be able to work with our feelings that are stopping us, including feeling, well, feeling willing to feel more of everything. And I think that's. So that's a really common experience. And that's what I learned, too, going through this work. At first, it's like, okay, what's the magic bullet that I need to learn to get the confidence that I want? You know, what's the pickup line? What's the particular thing to do? And then there's like, the, oh, I have to have to, like, fundamentally change the way that I treat myself and the way that I feel feelings and, oh, and I'm going to get rejected still, even when I put myself out there, like. And then that's when I think the deeper work, the real work begins, the real confidence work. And that's. That's what I've seen you do over this time. So what would you say into. So, you know, with the program we have the first year, and then if people want to continue, there's the mastery level, we call it, which is the second year for people who really want to go deeper in that transformation. What would you say? What was your experience over that second year?

Yeah, yeah, I think it was. I would say that transition from. In taking information and needing to just learn more intellectually and shifting more into a place of I want to feel more in my body. I want to. A thing that I experience a lot of is I get headaches commonly. And I've wanted to shift into a way of addressing that in a. What you talk about with tms, pain. I've wanted to shift into addressing that for an emotional standpoint. So just finding these emotional tools that shift you at a deep level, I think that has been more of the focus for me. And I think, yeah, going from the first level to the second, not that there's a distinct shift or something that everything changes when you switch levels, but I would say that it became less about the information and taking the actions and more about how do I get this information into my heart and into my body and make it so that that is just my default state of being and that I feel compelled to do those things, rather than just thinking, oh, I should do this, but not necessarily feeling ready.

And so as those shifts have occurred internally, what have you noticed has changed in your experience either day to day, how you feel, but also, you know, in interactions, other different settings, work relationships, like, what have you. What are some of the changes you've noticed out there?

Sure, yeah. Some things that come to mind, I mean, in terms of interactions I feel like there's always this level of faking it in a way where at first it was I got to push through all this discomfort to make. To talk to these people. And now it's a lot more about, yeah, I'm not that afraid of it. It's more about how do I deeply connect with this person.

Hmm.

So, yeah, it becomes a. There's a shift to where you're not. You're less afraid of the action, and it's more about how do I enjoy this thing. I would also say I've just become a lot more interested in. It's almost like the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, where at the beginning I was more interested in how do I go on dates and how do I put a podcast out and how do I talk to more people. And I've just become more interested in things like spirituality or more interested in. Yeah, focusing on my internal state and the external results have been better and better and better. It's just that that kind of comes through doing the focus on these higher level things.

Yeah, that's so interesting. That's what I found with people. You know, the first year of the program is a lot about like, okay, I want to get those results. Give me the goodies. Right? And I think that's a super important part of the step. Like, we need to feel empowered in life. And so many of us have felt disempowered, incapable. I can't have those things. I can't have a date. I can't have relationships. I can't have confidence. And it's so important to get that sense of personality, personal power. I'm like, yes, you can. And yet people see that that's not the end game. And then it's like, oh, yeah, of course I want whatever relationship, career success, career autonomy, of course I want these things. And the most important thing, though, is how am I. How deep and solid and permanent or stable, I should say, is my sense of confidence, gratitude, and love for myself, for others. Like, these things become more and more important for people because they realize that the more accumulation of external stuff doesn't automatically bring those. Those better feelings.

Yeah, definitely the beginning. It's like, I just want this thing or I want this result. And when you think about it, the reason you want anything or any result is how you're going to feel when you get that thing or result. So to me, now it's more about how do I just make the feeling happen first, and then I'll probably still be compelled to go after those Things or those results, maybe, maybe not. And I'll just feel better and better as I go about going after the things I want.

Yeah, I have a distinct memory of. I don't know exactly where it was in your, in your journey, but it was during one of the Mastermind days before Live event where you were on the cusp of wanting to start being able to put your work out there professionally around coaching, training, teaching, you know, something that you really have a gift for and wanting to do. And yet there was this, I think you were sort of maybe doing, starting it, but there was a lot of. It was like. There was like you were pulling like a, you know, 80 pound weight behind you. And then we had this specific focus on facing that. Facing that fear, you know, and we had you face it internally in the room. And then I gave you a challenge and maybe you could share a little bit more about what that was and what your experience was of that.

Yeah, yeah, I had. I knew for the longest time that I wanted to start posting videos just about. I'm obsessed with personal growth. I'm obsessed with confidence. I'm obsessed with all this stuff. And I wanted to start sharing that, that stuff. But I was afraid of what people in my life would think of that as I, as I went about doing that. And there were just so many hesitations, so many blocks. Like, when I think about the actions I would try to take on my own, it was so clear that I just subconsciously, totally resisted it, even though in my head I wanted to do it. I would research how to get better camera gear. I still do a little bit of that. I could still improve upon my, my equip it, but I would do all these things that weren't taking the actual action. And at the, at the event, you went through a process with me of just really deeply feel, you know, what are you experiencing in your body? It was a really visceral way of experiencing the process of feeling afraid to do something and then doing it anyway. So I was, I was feeling really anxious about this thing you had me really imagine and feel in my body where I was feeling it. And then you said, you know, you're afraid to post a video. Well, you have a, you have an iPhone. Why don't you just go out in the hallway and just do it right now? And then you challenged me. Why don't you go ahead and just post a video every day for 100 days?

You know, it was 100. Oh, nice.

That was the challenge.

I went big on that one.

You went big on that one. And so, yeah, I think doing the peace process got me over the sump where I was feeling all this anxiety. And then it ramped down. It was. I still didn't feel fully comfortable and ready to do it, but I think that's. That's the best place to be where you're not. You're not fully nervous system excited, but there is some discomfort. And then I just went outside and filmed the video. I think a big part of that was you saying, why don't you just go ahead and film the video? And then it was. It was a step. The next step was, why don't you just show us? And then everybody was like, oh, it's great, man. Just post it. And then it's like, well, now do you feel comfortable posting it? And I went ahead and did that. And, yeah, I remember hardly being able to sleep that night. My heart was, like, bumping out of my chest. And, yeah, I did not. I'm sad to say, did not complete the challenge of 100 and 100 days. But it just. In doing that, I mean, I think, honestly, I think by, like, so quickly, by, like, the third one, I was just like, okay, this is comfortable enough. I'll just post it.

Beautiful. Yeah. I mean, those numbers are. It's, you know, 100 is sort of an arbitrary thing. Right. It's like, I think when I gave that number, it was like, do a lot of. This is basically the, you know, the thing. And then turns out, because that's the idea is we want to get out of this one time and this one video. Ah. Into like, oh, yeah, this is what I do. And I really think that's a powerful. It was such a powerful learning for everyone, including me, to see. Yeah. You know, because talk about information versus transformation. Right. Information. Oh, Break down what you're. You know, first of all, feel the fear and do it anyway. Break down what you're scared of into small steps and do it step by step. Like, on some level, everyone knows that, you know, even if they never really studied personal development, they just get it from, like, oh, you're scared of heading the ball in soccer. Well, here, let's do some heading training. And all of a sudden, now people are more ready to do it. Right. So we get that. But it's one thing to get it up here in our heads, and that's where most people will stop. They'll hear that in a book, and they're like, yeah, that sounds like great advice. But you see what it feels like to do that, and it is freaking uncomfortable. And we have a lot of avoidance patterns. And that's where I personally believe we don't thrive without a pack to support us. I mean, we can live and we can do okay, but to really thrive in the way that you're thriving now in your life and continuing to grow, we gotta be surrounded by people that are gonna hold us accountable, that are gonna encourage us. You know, I just think about trying to do something like that on your own, like just you in like a book, like, okay, record the video.

Oh, God.

You know, and versus like, you, here we are. Do you want to go in the hallway? And then you come back and you get to share it and get that real time feedback. And I just feel like that and for my own experience, I would not be where I am if it wasn't having people in my life that. That did exactly that. And then we can feel the support and the love, which counteracts some of that fear. So we can go out there and do it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely great to have in some way you can know, oh, what I'm putting out there, it'll probably work out just fine. But having a group that you can like, I'll post some of this stuff in our Facebook group, smaller group of maybe 50 or 60 people before posting it out to my. To everyone in my life. And just hearing their feedback of, you know, this is great, helps propel me toward those actions.

Speaking of which, you just posted something earlier this morning in there and we'll give you an opportunity to share. I know this is your new venture that you've been building in the background for a long time, and now we're just releasing it with your website. Do you want to tell us what this business is and where people can find you?

Yeah. So it's called Engineer Soft Skills. You can find it@engineersoftskills.com and my background is in mechanical engineering. I've worked there, worked in that field for about five years now. And I've just found that so many people in that realm are struggling with the same things I struggled with. And this is my attempt to give back to that, to that community, to that sort of group of people who we can be very logical thinkers. And we want to have the ability to show up more boldly in our careers, to have the ability to date, to have the ability to build a social circle, have a great social life. So it's teaching a lot of what I've learned in this group and in other places and yeah, putting it together in my Own resource for engineers on how to build soft skills and social confidence.

I love it, man. Yeah. I was just so proud of you creating that. And what I love about watching it is, you know, this is a process and that, you know, we can take in information in one day, but to really transform the way that you have done and continue to do it's bit by bit. So, you know, it's like, ah, I'm scared to put my videos out there. Okay, now I'm gonna create a webpage. Oh, I'm stalling on that. Oh, okay. And it's like step by step. And it's stuff that everyone feels. That's why everyone is, you know, who has an idea, doesn't have a website and isn't doing it right. It's these fears. And so. And I love how each step that you've overcome becomes a building block in the. Your new venture here. Right. So it's like, I look at your website and there's a bunch of videos of you, and there are people out there who've created businesses who will not do videos of themselves because they're like, oh, that's, you know, I know my business. I'm a great chiropractor or whatever, but there's no way I'm putting my video myself on camera. Right, so you did that and then you created a. You have all the content for marketing. You have something that people can get for free on your site. Like, all these things that I just look at them like, oh, I know. Each of those is a building block. It takes confidence and dedication to work through. So it's been remarkable to watch that and to continue to watch your growth, and I love it. So before we conclude today, though, let's do our action step. Time for action. Action, action. So our action step for today is I have an idea, but I'm going to put you on the spot here. Dylan, is there an action step that you would recommend for our listeners? Just having heard this today about anything that you've learned from the program, the work we've done together, your own, what it really takes to transform confidence. Would you have an action step that you would recommend for listeners?

Yeah, the first thing that came to mind is just getting into a peak state. So we just got back from a Tony Robbins seminar, and it's something we do at Aziz's events as well. But it's so important to be in a good state. It's so important to get your physiology in the place that you want it to be, because if you're down or you're feeling sad or depressed, you're not going to take the actions that you. That you are capable of. So my action step would be right now, if you can get yourself in a peak state. So that could involve banging on your chest and yelling. That could involve, um, if you're in a silent place, like for instance, I was practicing just doing it at my cubicle. Just breathing really loud or. No, breathing quietly, but intensely. And just flexing your muscles continuously.

Yeah. So it's activating your body. Now, Dylan, with your permission, if it's okay with you, we might do this, but you sent a video of you doing a pump up in a bathroom stall at your workplace. A silent one. And so I'm wondering if we would be able to post that at shrink for the shy guy below this episode. Would that be all right with you?

That would be okay with me. Let's do it.

Beautiful. Okay, so if you go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and if you're listening to this currently, it'll be right at the top. Otherwise, click on the name of this episode, which will be called a confidence transfer. It's episode 304, a confidence transformation journey with Dr. Aziz. And we'll have a video of Dylan. So this is a way to do it quietly, but there's other ways to do it. It's basically fully, intentionally activating your physiology in your body. That means using your voice, getting energy in your body, push ups, jumping up and down to music. And the key is to not look a certain way or look good as you dance. It's 100% like an experiment of what happens when I actually charge up this battery of my human body. And to really get on a deep level that you can charge this, you can charge yourself up by using your body is a whole new breakthrough for people. So fantastic advice. Dylan. Thank you so much for joining us today on the show.

Yeah, thanks for having me. I love being here with you. Thanks for listening to Shreya. Drink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Wait, wait. We're already recording. But we gotta be. We didn't pump up.

You gotta pump it up.

We gotta pump it up. All right, here we go. On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.