Accountability, Confidence, & Becoming The Person You Want To Be with Sam Silverstein

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you if you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I am excited because today we're going to be talking with Sam Silverstein, who is a leading expert on accountability, which might be a word that you kind of know what that means or you think like, yeah, I need more accountability, but it's almost like, yeah, I need more vegetables. We don't necessarily know exactly how that's going to all play out in our lives, but that's why I'm excited to talk with, with Sam and introduce you to him because Sam is a keynote speaker and he's created the Accountability Institute. Written. Sam, how many books has it been at this point?

Let's go with 12 right now.

12 books on the subject. His mission is to empower people to live accountable lives, transform the way they do business, and to thrive at extraordinary levels. He is a former executive and owner and his manufacturing and distribution company sold over 100 million in products and services and he successfully sold one of his businesses to a fortune 500 company soldiers. So not only is this theoretical knowledge, you know, this is very practical knowledge that he's used to be successful in business and now has helped countless organizations and individuals raise their standards, find accountability, and have no more excuses, which we're going to dive into. That's one of the titles of your books. So, Sam, thank you so much for being here with me today.

Oh, man, it is just great to be here. I've really been looking forward to our conversation and learning from each other.

I love it. So let's, let's dive right in to. I'm sure you get this question all the time. Accountability. Because we got to get on the, like, we got to define terms because people might hear that as like discipline.

Or.

Some sense of follow through. And maybe that's a piece of the puzzle. Maybe there's so much more. So in a nutshell, what is accountability?

Okay, great question. And it's a great Place to start. So accountability, we define it as keeping your commitments to people. Keeping your commitments to people. But we go further in that it's not punitive. It's not standing up and saying it was my fault, I messed up, it won't happen again. That's accepting your responsibility. That's transparency, that's honesty. Accountability isn't punitive. And so I believe that you're responsible for things, you're accountable to people. Meaning that a list of your job description is a list of responsibilities. But accountability always exists between people. And it's not about you holding me accountable. Nobody wants to be held accountable. It's like putting a gun to your head. It's about you helping me be accountable, you coming alongside me. By you being accountable as a leader, you're being accountable to me first and creating the environment where I feel safe, where I choose to be accountable based on relational commitments.

So it's keeping your commitments to other people.

And a commitment. As long as we're going to define what's a commitment, a commitment is no matter what, that's it. So it's, it's very black and white. A lot of times, you know, it's not, well, maybe it's not justification. It's no, it's no matter what. And just to. So there's tactical commitments and relational commitments. The tactical commitment was I'll be here at 11:30, I'll deliver the report tomorrow at noon, I'll take out the trash. These are spoken, they're agreed upon. It's transactional. The relational commitments, on the other hand, which define accountability. And there's 10 of them and we don't need to go into all of them. But the relational commitments are taken on by a leader. They're non spoken and they contribute to the relationship. So a relational commitment would be like a commitment to live the values. A commitment to stand by you when all hell breaks loose. A commitment to discover your potential and lead you to it. A commitment to the truth. These are relational commitments that as a leader I should just take them on. I don't need to tell you I'm going to always tell you the truth or that I'll be there for you. My actions should tell you that. And when that's in place, that creates the environment that inspires you to want to do the same because you don't want to let me down. You know, I would never want to let you down.

So this is a really useful distinction. I think myself included. Most people, when they hear accountability, they think a lot more about tactical Commitments. Right. You know, someone says, hey, I. I want to get to the gym more often. I need some accountability to make sure I'm in the gym every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but that the Monday, Wednesday, Friday in the gym, by your definition, would be a tactical commitment, which is not necessarily the core of accountability.

Now, the core of accountability is much deeper. And since it exists between human beings, it's keeping your commitments, two people, it's relational. And so it becomes very personal, even though it may be in a business environment. I mean, this could be a business environment or it could be a personal environment, but accountability still remains the same. It's based on these commitments that I've taken on and that I exhibit through my actions. The challenge is society's really sort of convoluted what accountability is. And everything we've been taught about it is wrong. It's not leadership trying to manipulate people to do more for them. That's where it's gone. It's not supposed to be that. It's supposed to be something that I accept. I'm accountable to you. I may be accountable for you, depending on the relationship. I take on that responsibility, and then I deliver.

And so a lot of those that you're describing are perhaps unspoken. And it's almost a decision or a commitment to live perhaps my own personal values, or if it's a company organization, you know, the values of the organization or the leadership of the company, so that I determine what those values are, and I. I live them. And through living them consistently, it inspires other people to also live those values.

Exactly. I mean, look, have you hung out with somebody that you go, wow, I just. I love where she's coming from. Or I love how he always seems. He's like my North Star. He always does what's right. He. Have you ever been around somebody like that and you are inspired to step up your game to be even better?

Sure.

Yeah. So that's what this is about. It's about us setting that example so that the people around us want to be their best self. Look, you and I can't be our best self unless we're working to be our best and. And helping others be their best. So I believe that helping others be their best is part of what it takes for us to be our best. And that comes by setting this example and those values. Those are the house rules. That's how we do things here. Whether it's in your family or your business or in your community, the values are bedrock. That's foundation.

Do you think that most People have clarified their personal. Maybe in a company, it's been done for them or before they got there, but in their own personal lives. When you talk to people about accountability, you find most people are like, oh yeah, here are the top five things that I value and live by.

No, matter of fact, most people have not. That's weak. I've written several books that connect to this. We've created an online course to help people step through this. Here's the thing, if I ask somebody, what do you value? Well, they'll tell me. They'll go, well, you know, I value honesty, I value integrity. They'll come up with something, but they haven't really thought it out, they haven't articulated it, they haven't put it in writing, it's not before them. And then what happens is because they don't have that concrete, that understanding, they're not able to make decisions quickly and consistently and feel good about the decisions. Once you know exactly what your values are, then any challenge that presents itself, you've already decided how you're going to, how you're going to approach that situation. You just have to step it out. So what happens is now you're living with more confidence, more understanding of who you are. You're not questioning every decision that you make. And so we look at, at purpose, what brings you joy in the service of others, your mission, what's your purpose in action? And your values, not just those words, but exactly what do they mean to you? We call it a values narrative. And, and, and that's just when you have that understanding, you're just able to operate at a different level.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's a great quote I heard from Tony Robbins, which is all decision making is value clarification. And that if, if there's a, and I see that often, you know, that's one of the challenges that I help clients with is there's a, there's, there's a pattern of doubt, self doubt and indecisiveness. And often the decision making process for people is, am I going to get the, the goodies? And none of you know, I want the good and not the bad. I want the pleasure and not the pain. So which path is going to give me the most of that? And secondly, other, do other people like me? Do other people approve of my decisions? Those are kind of the two biggest factors I think most people are making decisions from. And that's very disconnected from yourself and, and from the core value, like value being real or being honest. So I'm going to have this conversation even if the other person is temporarily upset or temporarily discomfort.

Exactly. So that's why it's important to also know your source. What is the source of what you believe? Because your values will connect back to that. And does your source hold up over time? Is your source, you know, your father? Is it, Is it some? Is it a, Is it, Is it the Bible? Is it, Is it Star Trek? Is it Aunt Agnes? It doesn't matter what your source is, other than you need to know what it is, you need to identify it. It needs to hold up over time, and, and you need to be consistent with it. When you know that you have that, then you build a set of values on top of that. Then what happens is you don't have to worry about whether the outcome is good or bad. You know that you're making a decision that aligns with your values, that feels intrinsically good, and that will outweigh anything. And so if making a decision costs you a little money, you know, in a business environment, you take a loss because of something, hey, that's okay, because it aligns with who we say we are. And so for me, it's like, you know, I, my values narrative is in. Is integrity, respect and significance. But I've gone to the detail of, of defining that integrity. I say I make decisions based on the belief that my word is my bond and doing what is right is always the right thing to do. I commit to this no matter what. So now that's one of my values. So in any situation, I go, what's the right thing to do? Not what's most cost advantageous, what's the most expedient, what's the right thing to do? And when you, when I look at it that way, it's so much easier to make a decision and then implement the decision and move on and, and proceed on the adventure.

That's a great, as a great point and a specific question about that that I think a lot of people I work with struggle with is what is right? What is the right thing to do? And so here's an example. I, I see this often. Maybe there's a, There's a relation dynamic and one person has expectations about what the other person's going to do. They're not necessarily agreed upon, or maybe the person expects more than what they agreed upon or what the other person wants to do. A lot of my clients are very nice people. And so the person's like, hey, I want, I want more of you, or I want you to do this, or I Want special treatment. And they're like, okay, okay, okay. And it feels like the right thing to do is to give that person what they're asking for. And to say no to that person feels bad because it might upset or disappoint them. And also just feels bad because I should, I should give to that person. And so how do you clarify the right thing, especially if the right thing feels wrong at first?

Okay, so first of all, let's go back to. A lot of my clients are nice people. Well, I'd like to think I'm a nice person. I'd like to think my wife thinks I'm a nice person. I'd like to think my kids think I'm a nice person. I like to think my clients think I'm a nice person. But that doesn't mean I give everything away. I mean, I'm a nice person. But when someone hires me to come in and speak at one of their annual events, there's a fee that goes with that is charging a fee. Does that make me not a nice person? So, you know.

Let'S get specific there. Let's say you have a fee to give us a talk or a speech. It includes a certain amount of prep time. It includes the talk itself. It includes some Q and a basic stuff, right? And then you get there and they're like, you know what? Normally you do, you know, an hour and then this Q and A. We really want you to come back tomorrow and to, to do this extra thing. And it'll be really, really beneficial. In fact, you know, maybe not. Maybe you could just stay a little bit longer. Could you stay a little bit longer and help us with this extra thing? We got this one person. Could you talk to this one person? He, he's, he's a real tough nut to crack. And you can do it, Sam. So can you talk to this guy too?

Well, and sometimes that works out and sometimes that doesn't. And so it depends on the variables. And so for instance, yeah, it could be that, look, I have a program coming up in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm going to be doing a speech at one o'. Clock. And when my speech is over, I have 90 minutes to get from the ballroom that I'm speaking in and my plane takes off from the airport. So I don't have time to. I can't stop and talk to someone additional because I have to be on this flight because I have to be in Orlando for a speech for another client the next day. Now, there's many times where I speak that I Might have four hours before my flight. I'll sit down and talk to anybody that wants to talk to me. I love it. That's fine. And so I think they're. They're just. I think there's some. There's some common sense that goes along with it. I think it's okay to say no. Quite frankly, I believe you're defined by many times what you say no to, because if you. Look, if I over commit to something, then I'm going to let someone else down. All right, we set a time to come on and to shoot this podcast. I had a call prior to this. Well, I could have stayed on that call for another hour. Well, if I'd done that, then I wouldn't have been able to be here and be responsible to show up on time for you. So that doesn't make sense. So I have to say no to the opportunity of staying on this other call, whether I wanted to or not, because I have a commitment. So I think we have to use some common sense and I think we have to realize that it's okay to say no, that you can't always say yes, and that there's a certain balance that we need to achieve. And just because you say no doesn't make you bad, doesn't make you mean. And especially I want to get back to our values. When you say no to something that conflicts with your values, then that's when you're putting the stake in the ground. That's when you own the value. Because if you don't say no to the opportunity to go against your value, you then it's not your value.

You have it on paper, but you don't actually live it.

So then it's just a word. Look, there's a dictionary filled with words, right? I mean, that doesn't mean that you're living those values.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. When it comes to living that value. So you said you have integrity. What were the other ones that you were in your personal values?

Integrity, respect and significance.

Can you tell me more about how you define the other two? Respect. And you gave the definition for integrity.

Sure. So respect. My definition is that I see all people as equal. I value other people's opinions, appreciate their beliefs, and recognize the importance of their priorities. And that's important because, you know, your priorities might be different than mine. Even in this podcast, your priorities could be different than mine. Respect mandates that I think about what your priorities are for your podcast, and then I try to deliver on your priorities. That's what it's about. Significance. Is I create meaning in my life, in the lives of the people around me. I look for ways to create significance for my family. I. I make the effort to get to know people. I look for the potential in people with whom I come in contact. I encourage people. I participate in my community, and I work to make a difference. So that's how I define significance. So if you don't have that definition, how do you step it out? How do you live it? Whether we're talking individually or in an organization?

Yeah.

And I have a values worksheet. If somebody wants it, we have a free giveaway. And if you want to make that available, we can.

Sure. Is there a certain website that people go to? We could put valuesworksheet.com valuesworksheet.com okay. Put that below the. Below the.

So I can't make it any easier. I mean, and here's how it works. It's not about having great values. It's about having a great set of values. And there's a difference because you could tell me, well, Sam, my values are integrity and honesty. Fine, those are great values, but it's not a great set. A great set, we have found, needs to connect to four specific areas. If we're talking individually and if we're talking organizationally, there's a fifth area. But those four areas are somewhere in that set. One or more of those values need to be what we call foundational values. And this speaks to the character of who you are or who your organization is. Then there needs to be professional values. This is what does excellence mean to me or in our organization? And then there's relational values. And that's how do you relate to and connect to the people around you? And if it's an organization, we delineate between internal relationships and external relationships, something a lot of organizations overlook. And then the fourth area are community values. How do you connect to and support the community in which you live and operate? A great set of values is going to connect to all those areas. And when you're doing that, then it's just a matter of stepping it out.

I think that's really helpful because I think often people think of values as kind of like, well, what do I want and what's important to me, which is a piece of the equation, but it's not fully embedded in all these other things that we're doing, like at work and with family and community. And so that having really reflecting on the values in the broader context seems like it's going to be important. And it also, you Know, with each of the values that you shared, there's almost, you know, several sentences or a little mini paragraph that's really helping you. It's a sort of statement of declarations of how I'm going to be today and all the time, really.

These are the ground rules. That's it. And, and, and that's that stake in the ground and the reason for the having a great set versus just great values. And, and the thought that we've put into creating this is, I want to be the best I can be. I want to be the best father I can be. I want to be the best partner that I can be with my wife. I want to be the best I can be in business. And so we need to encompass all those areas that we need to operate in to be our best, like relationships. How do I connect with people? How do I treat them? How do I see them? It's, it's just, it's critical. And it's critical that, you know, people that are watching and listening to this, that, yeah, you need to make the time and step through this process of figuring out what your values are. Because then, like we both said, you've made the decision before the situation ever presents itself. All you have to do is step it out.

And what about. This is something that I come across a lot, let's call it categorically perfectionism. So people who tend to, when you say stuff like be my best and show up the best, there's. There's a subset of people who are like, I'm gonna do everything the best. And then afterwards, like, that wasn't enough. I needed. It needed to be more of the best. And how do you balance this idea of, like, high standards and accountability? And then there's this sort of almost debilitating misuse. It's not, it's not even the same thing, but it, it. They kind of use the idea of like, I gotta be my best. And then it ends up being very debilitating for people.

So there's a couple of things there. One, being your best doesn't mean being perfect. Because I'm just not thinking being perfect is on the table. That's not in play. I'm going to make mistakes. So then what happens when you make a mistake? When you make a mistake, you can focus on one of two things. You can focus on the mistake and beat yourself up, which doesn't create a positive outcome, or you can fix it and fix it fast and move on. I think what happens is we fall into this rut. If you Will. And that's what messes with our heads. Can I do it better? Yeah. So how do I get better? But I'm doing my best right now. But I can be better. I can be better. And so again, it's a matter of do we beat ourselves up over the level of performance that we're at, or are we working to be the best we can be? I think there's always room for improvement. I think there's always room to get better. But beating ourself up in the short term is not going to help us. Now. There are a lot of people who. That's been encoded into who they are. Maybe it was the parents, maybe it was supervisors in their life. Who knows? But at some point in time, as adults, we have to take the responsibility for what we're feeding ourselves. We take responsibility for the food that we put into our mouth, but we also have to be responsible for the message that we pass to ourselves, because our brain's going to believe whatever we send it. And so we can either send it negative thoughts or positive thoughts. And, you know, so in one of my books, I identified the three mindsets of accountability, and those three mindsets are abundance, gratitude, and respect. The opposite of gratitude is entitlement. The opposite of respect is contempt, and the opposite of abundance is scarcity. I think that we start when we're beating ourselves up. We're falling into, probably falling into some scarcity, maybe some entitlement, but one of those negatives is, is popping up. I think when we can stop and catch ourselves and get back into abundance and respect and, and just living with gratitude, then. Then we're not going to beat ourselves up as much.

Yeah.

So, yeah, that's what I try to do.

That's a great. I love the angle you came at that with. I mean that you can definitely see that there's a lack of respect and, and contempt in the way that we're treating ourselves when we're running that pattern. And there, there is a strange form of entitlement because it's almost like I'm entitled to have it gone my way or I'm entitled to have been really good at it. I'm entitled to be better than where I'm at without the time and effort to get to the results that I want. So there's definitely some entitlement in that, that demand that we place on ourselves or life, even if maybe we're not there yet or are, or we're expecting things that we'll never get from life. I love that what you just introduced there about the three mindsets of accountability. Because so you often, or you've said in a place that accountability is not a way of doing, it's a way of thinking. Is that what you mean by. Is those are the ways of thinking or that's a different.

That's part of it. And, and so in the theory of accountability, I wrote about this and I took this literally. At 4:30 in the morning, I felt like somebody was talking to me. I could hear the voice say, equals MC squared. And I'm like, what the heck is this? And now some people think E equals MC square is Einstein's theory of relativity. And I'm here to say. Well, it's not. It's actually the theory of accountability. E is the expectation. And we can create the expectation we want the result we want. When we understand our mindset and multiply that, magnify it by our commitment. E equals MC squared. Commitment is exponential in power. When we're committed to something, when we're consistent with it, that's when we get that result. And so it's this mindset of gratitude, abundance, and respect. When we hone in on that, everything comes back to that. When we hone in on that, we're going to get a different result. We're going to see people different, we're going to see ourselves different. And the other thing, you know, I have this conversation with my wife all the time and look, don't think that I don't say something sometime that's maybe negative or comes up short. And Renee look at me and she says, sam, where's the abundance in that? You know? And it's like, yeah, okay, that's your.

Accountability buddy right there.

Well, you know, we all fall into, we fall. We all fall into this gap. We all fall in, we slip. None of us are perfect. And so I want to be better. I just want to be better. And I like working with people who want to be better. And I'm willing to say I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, I come up short, but doggone it, I do pretty good. And you know what? I'm blessed. There are a lot of great things going on. Anyone that's listening or watching this right now probably has a lot more to be thankful for than, Than what's going wrong. There's a lot of places in this world that we could be right now where the quality of life is a lot worse than what's happening around us. And when you, when you connect to that gratitude and you. And you realize how much we Have. Well, you. That way of thinking changes everything. Action follows belief. So if you're thinking wrong, you're going to get a wrong action and a wrong result. That's why companies that they say, we have to change our sales system, we have to change the way we do this. We have to change. They're always a mess because they're trying to change what they're doing. They're not changing how they're thinking. And back to the original question. Accountability is a way of thinking, not a way of doing. It's how we think about people. That's what it comes down to. Accountability is how we think about people. Do we respect the people? Do we see the answers to our problems in the people? Or do we see the problems in the people? And a leader that sees the answers in the people is going to treat their people differently than when they see their people as the problem.

Can you say more about that, about.

Seeing now, Aziz, you should know that I can say more about anything. Um, you get me going. You know, it's like you, like, wind me up. Go on more about this. What you see in your people.

People. You know, the people are the problem. These are the problems in the people versus the solutions are coming from the people.

Okay?

People are the source of the, of the answer here.

So I've heard a lot of things come out of the mouth of leaders. One of the things I've heard from a leader is I have 35 problems and each one has a first name. Now, that's a way of thinking. Now, that individual to me, is not an accountable leader. He sees his people as the source of his problems. So how is he going to act towards them? How is he going to commit to them? How does he. How. It's. It's all going to be negative. Now, the leader that goes, you know, we face challenges every day, but my people find a way to come up with solutions and we forge ahead. Well, that way of thinking is going to. Is going to just totally change things. He or she is going to commit to their people differently. He's going to provide resources to them differently. He's going to listen to them. They will have a voice at the table. And when someone believes that their voice is heard, then they, they get more creative. They share new ideas. These new ideas propel the organization forward. You're either creating a culture in an organization that sees people as the problem, or you create a culture where the people are empowered to be the solution. It doesn't take a genius to figure out which company, long term is going to be the most successful.

Yeah, yeah. Well there's, and this is maybe a term that, that similar to accountability. What I'm hearing, what you're describing is a term that I've heard describe as total ownership, where we take total ownership for ourselves, for our results in life. It's the antidote to I'm helpless and it's your fault. And that's, you know, excuses. Right. So when I'm, if I hear a leader and they're saying everyone on all my employees are the problems, it, there's a level of a lack of ownership of, well, I'm the leader of the company. So if there's 35 problems then then that's, that's the result of my own doing in some way. Right. Because it's an extension of me. Is that, is that maybe almost a different word for accountability in this situation or the thinking of accountability?

Well, so, so here's the thing. In that situation, the leader was wrong. He doesn't have 35 problems. He has one and it's him. He's the problem. You see, he hired 35. Bam. Yeah, in that moment I didn't. Today I'm a different person. What you allow in your space, you condone. What you condone, you create. When someone says something like that today, I flat out come back to them and say, look, you have one, you don't have 35 problems. You have one problem and it's you, it's your attitude of how you see your people. Because if your people are causing more problems than solutions, then you either hired the wrong person, you trained them incorrectly, you allowed them to stay incorrectly, it's all back to your actions as a leader. It's not on them. And until you accept that responsibility, you'll never create an organizational team that's able to solve problems and forge ahead. So yeah, I have no problem telling that to a leader. I'm not worried about what they're going to say to me. It doesn't matter at this point. It's like honesty is so critical. So look, I had a client I'd spoke for several times and we're out to dinner the night before the program. This is the COO of the company. He says, tomorrow, Sam, you're speaking to 500 mid level managers. And now I hate the term manager because I believe you manage things, you lead people. He said none of them have a college degree. Just keep it simple. I've heard you before, you're great. Just give them three points and it's going to be wonderful. And I'm like no, you just put a limit on all your people. Who cares if they have a college degree. Whether or not someone has a college degree to does not determine how successful they're going to be, how intelligent they are, their ability to process new concepts, all that kind of stuff that has nothing to do if you have a college degree, you have a little more formal education. I love college degrees. But my father didn't go to college. He couldn't afford to go to college. One of the most brilliant men I knew, my father in law didn't go to college. He built a multimillion dollar business. He spent those years, his teen years in a concentration camp. So the fact that someone has a college degree is irrelevant. So at this point, you know, I've got to tell the guy, look, you just put a glass ceiling on your people. You should have reached across the table, grabbed me by the collar and said Silverstein, look, you've spoken for us before, you've been good in the past, but I don't care about that. Tomorrow when you're in front of my 500 leaders, I need you to be the very best you can be so you can help them be the best they can be. That's what he should have said.

I love it, I love it. It's empowering. And wow, what a, what a story about your, your father in law was it? I mean that's a very different kind of, of education and to get out of that, you know, is going to be radically changed. So yes, I love that. And what you're describing is challenging those oh so comforting stories about why I can't, the excuses right. Why they can't learn because they don't have that education and, and it, and it keeps everything the same and it doesn't allow us to really step into the next version which is going to be different. And sometimes that's scary. So we stay safe and familiar.

It.

To me it seems like there's a certain level, there's a switch that gets flipped in people from that kind of man. My team is like this and this is why I can't take care of my health. And that's the problem with my wife. And, and, and then there's the people who say okay, I'm frustrated at this and I, but okay, what am I doing here? How do I change this, that, that switch into accountability mindset to ownership. And it seems like people have a tendency to kind of, you might shake them up a little bit to go into the more ownership and then there's there's this allure, there's this appeal to that victim mindset, that kind of people can get inspired and then go back to it. And what do you do to help companies, clients, you work with yourself, call out when we go to that place and come back to that more empowered accountability mindset.

So. I have what I call the three big questions. And I wrote a book titled Pivot that covers this. And in those, in those three big questions, what do you believe? What do you focus on? What do you commit to? And what you're talking about is what do you focus on? And so the question really at the end of the day is, do we focus on what we can control or do we focus on what we cannot control? When we focus on those things that we cannot control and what happens is that's when we start making excuses. That's when we literally, we get trapped by fear and we get bogged down. We don't move, we don't progress. When we focus on what we can control, then we'll make decisions, we'll implement those decisions and we'll move forward. Now we might move forward slowly. We might not be moving in a straight line. We might, you know, it might be a long way to get there, but we're moving. When you stand still, you're a sitting duck. You're going to fail if you're standing still. And so the question becomes in any point in time is, what can I control in this moment? And so when I hear someone say, well, yes, sales are down, the economy is off. Well, you can't control the economy. You can't control the sales territory that your leader gives you. What can you control? Well, you can control the number of phone calls you make if you're in sales, you can control the number of doors that you knock on. You can control how much time you spend studying the industry and having technical knowledge to be able to share. You can control the time you spend studying prospects on where their pain is and trying to create solutions so that you can be the solution to their problem. And when they buy you as the solution, they take the product along with it. All of that's in your control. Now I have to admit, I did tell somebody in audience once, you can't control the economy. And I was filled a room with a couple of hundred blank stares. And it hit me in that moment that I was talking to the Fed. So when you're talking to the federal bank, you can't tell them that they can't control the economy because they can, in fact, Impact the economy, but other than that, so. But the point being, what can you control? You know, it's like, guy shows up late to cut my hair, and there's not that much to cut, but he's late. He says, sorry, Sam, I got a speeding ticket. Well, he's making an excuse for being late. So my question is, why did he get the speeding ticket? He was going too fast. Why was he going too fast? He left late. What could he control? He could control what time he left his house and the speed he was driving. So, you know, really, sorry I'm late. I got overwhelmed. I lost track of time. I left late. I apologize. Own it. Don't make some lame excuse and blame the policeman. The policeman had nothing to do with it.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that's a really important one to you mentioned a few different times like that, but worth highlighting, which is the. The antidote to perhaps that perfectionism and the idea that we have commitments, we have values that we want to uphold with within our relationships. And we are not 100% on. We are not, you know, we do get negative at times. We do snap. We are under resourced. So then when that happens, owning the truth of that as directly as possible. So there's account accountability is not no mistake. Right. It's when there's the mistake to call it out as directly as possible.

Well, that's responsibility. That. That really has to me, has nothing to do with accountability. I made a mistake. It's my fault. That's my responsibility. It's transparency. That's honesty. That's tactical. It's still. Now I made a. You know, the. My word is my bond is one of those ten commitments. So the. To the degree that I didn't keep my word with you, that's where I'm coming up short in my accountability. It's the relational side of that, and it may seem like minutiae, but it's really important to understand that this is so. This is between people and it's. It connects back to my respect for you and my desire to help you be your best. And in doing so, I'm helping me be my best. You know, look, when this podcast is.

Over.

I'm gonna walk out of my studio and I'm gonna go, dog gone. It. You know, I should have. I should have shared this or. Or, you know, I can't. I. Oh, yeah. I wanted to tell that story and make that point, and I didn't do it. That's. That's just life. Okay. I. I feel like at the End, hopefully I've delivered a lot of value. Could I have delivered more value? Could I have delivered? Maybe, but that doesn't take away from the value that I did deliver. And so at some point, you know, So this might be a stretch for some people, but accountability at the end of the day is love. Do I love myself? Do I love you as a human being? And so that's where accountability is going to live. That's where accountability is going to grow. And we need to love ourselves and we need to have grace for ourselves and understanding that we're not perfect beings. But to me, I want to be around people who are trying to be their best. That's all. That doesn't mean they're perfect, doesn't mean they don't make mistakes, but they're just. They're not willing to make that same mistake over and over and over again. They want to be better. They want to contribute more. You know, I love to ski. I want to ski better on the eighth day of the season than I was skiing on the second day of the season. That's all. I'm. I'm enjoying it, but, you know, I'd like to be a little better.

Yeah, I love it. It's growth and. Yeah, no, I really appreciate that. And. And I do. I do like that larger perspective around accountability as love. And these ways of thinking about it can really expand it again beyond the very tactical and really into that realm of purpose. And, you know, and you're talking about leaving a conversation or a podcast. Oh, I could have said that. You know, I think I used to do that a lot. And one thing that really helps me is, and I guess, I don't know, this is particularly a value, or maybe like the description that follows the values. I have to find the exact value word. Basically. I asked myself after something like this, did I. Did I hold back? Was there a thing I really wanted to share, but out of inhibition, I didn't share it? Or maybe out of lack of honesty and directness, I didn't say it. But if I leave and I said, okay, I shared what I wanted to say, and sure, could. I could have said something else, but did I hold nothing back? And if I. If that's true, then I feel the sense of like, all right, you know, job, job, well done. So I like that. I'm not sure what the value word for that is, but it's hold, hold nothing back. And that feels really good. Cause I maybe, maybe like you when you were first talking to that. That leader a long time ago who you saw that you didn't. Maybe you didn't say it as directly when I, back when I was do coaching now, but back in the day I did therapy in my early training and I just, there were so many times when I was so nice, too nice with clients. Right. Like I don't want to, you know, I look back and I was like I could have been a lot more effective if I just said what I was seeing. And yeah.

Yeah. And look, I don't know what number podcast this is for you, but you're going to, I guarantee you you're asking better questions in this conversation than you did on the first one. Hopefully I'm better at sharing what it is that my expertise is now than I was last year or five years ago. And so that's why that's, I love that about not holding back. I want to give it my all. That doesn't mean I can't improve my all. Next week hopefully is going to be that much better than my all this week. But if you feel like you've given it your all, why not feel good about that and just keep moving forward?

Yeah, I love it. This is fun. A pleasure to speak with you. I'm sure people are going to want to know more. We'll have a link to the Values worksheet down below. Definitely going. So you can tell us about your website or anything else ways people can follow you. People want to follow, you know, look up Sam Silverstein's books and Amazon Audible. But tell us more about how people can learn more from you.

A couple of things really easy. The Accountability Institute is all about our certification program on being a certified accountability advisor either in Europe for yourself or in a company. And that's. And then Sam Silverstein.com there's just hundreds of articles and you know, on YouTube there's hundreds of videos. Love to connect with people on YouTube and LinkedIn. So reach out and let's start a conversation.

I love it. Sam, any, any last thoughts, parting words about accountability that you feel like if we were holding nothing back, is there anything left to share at this moment?

In our relationships, we're either accountable to, accountable for or both. When you're accountable to someone, they impact your life beyond a significant level. When you're accountable for someone, you impact their lives beyond a significant level. I would say stop and look at every relationship that you have and evaluate. Are you accountable to? Are you accountable for? If you're accountable to, that doesn't mean you're necessarily accountable for. But if you're accountable for. You're always accountable to accountable for is like a stewardship relationship. When you realize that you are accountable for other people, you act differently, you commit to them differently, and you get a different result. So value the relationships, make contributions to those relationships and honor that accountability of keeping your commitments to people, those relational commitments that bond people together because you'll be inspiring them to be their very best self. And when you're doing that, you're creating a better family, you're creating a better workplace. Ultimately, you're creating a better world.

I love it. Thank you so much, Sam, for your time today. For sharing not just the content, but you know, who you are, those values and the, the energy that, that that comes through you is definitely inspiring and, and communicates so much about, about what it is you're, you're teaching. So encourage others to, to look to, to Sam and to learn from him especially. Yeah, to grow as a human, especially in your career. I mean, this kind of stuff. You know, you show up this way and become a leader in this way. Even if your title is not officially a leader, you're on the fast track. So thank you again, Sam, for sharing with us today.

My pleasure. Thank you. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziza. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sam.