Dr. Aziz discusses fear of conflict—defined as discomfort with direct conversations or naming problems—and argues that avoiding conflict limits connection, career growth, and intimacy. He reframes conflict as a potential sign of growth, gives a practical workplace example (following up on missed deadlines) and contrasts healthy guilt (apologize when you violate values) with unhealthy guilt (assuming responsibility for others' discomfort). The talk closes with an invitation to engage in the comments.
Chapters
Are you uncomfortable with conflict, disagreement, direct conversations, Maybe even just calling something out or following up with somebody via email or a conversation at work? Not necessarily throwing a plate at them and yelling, but just, hey, you said you're going to do this and it's not here what's going on? Or why didn't you do that? Or that was supposed to be done at this time, like really naming things, but anything that might lead to another person having a different opinion, maybe even getting upset or angry or hurt feelings or something. That is a fear of conflict, which in a sense is a fear of direct contact, contact with other people. And it severely limits your connection, your career growth, your ability to have a deep, intimate relationship. Really, all things in your life get limited from this fear. And a lot of people are spending their lives trying to get through life with no conflict. In fact, that's the mark of a good day. Do you have a good day today? Oh, yeah. Nothing happened. Nothing scary happened, nothing uncomfortable happened. Certainly didn't have any conflicts. And a bad day is like, oh, I'm having such a bad day. I got this conflict at work, but I'm like this person, I'm so mad. They're so mad at me and I'm so anxious and so guilty. Right, That's a bad day. But actually, what if conflict were growth? What if it were a sign that you were actually stepping up and saying what needs to be said? And that's one of the first places we wanna start, is people are in such a fear based, protective, self protective, almost defended stance against life. Right? This get through, get through life as safely as possible, make it to the grave with as little discomfort as possible. Which I'm gonna suggest is not ultimately why you're here. You're here for something much more. That's a bigger conversation. But if you're seeing something in that for you, then maybe it's time to look at, well, what else can I do? What do I truly. Because when we're looking at, ooh, I'm gonna say this thing and they're gonna be upset with me, there's like, it's like a no win game. Maybe they will be upset with you and then, oh, but how do I deal with that now? And then we're trying to maneuver these chess pieces around instead of coming from a whole different, like playing a whole different game. And I'm just gonna invite you to start with that. It's like, what if you decide I'm gonna play a whole different game? Not the get through life with no discomfort Game. Okay, then what am I gonna do? What am I here to do? And like, let's say it's a workplace situation. You're afraid of having a conversation with someone. Cause they'll get upset with you. Well, what am I here to do? You mean at my job? Sure, we can start with that. Like, what's your. What's the outcome? What are we really going for here? Maybe even a larger purpose in life. That's good too. What am I here to do? Right, because all of a sudden now you're getting out of. Is it safe or not? Am I okay or not? And what am I here to do? Like, what's the outcome that we're going for? Let's say someone didn't do something they were supposed to. They had an agreement, they're gonna get something done by Wednesday. And Wednesday comes around and they didn't get it to you. We're here to get that thing done by Wednesday. That's one of the things we're here to do. And they didn't do it. And so now I'm gonna follow up with them because we're here to get this job done. Done. I'm not here to get them to like me. I'm not here to be have everyone never feel discomfort around me. I'm here to get some result. And so getting clear on what that result is, and it goes on and on from there. Subtle or very intense, that is over optimizing for politeness, compliance, subservience. And you know, I think some of that is good. And so a child can relate to authority in a healthy way, but people can go super far. You know, a common example you might have heard me share is I'll be somewhere out in the world because I like to interact with humans. It's fun for me. I have permission to interact with my fellow humans is a great social confidence, belief. And I have that belief. And so I'll be out in the world. I'm kind of putting a signal out there if, you know, I want to. Sometimes I got my headphones on, I'm just doing my own thing. But other times I'm just like, looking around at the world. And oftentimes someone will interact with me or a kid will come up and talk to me. And I can't tell you how many times a little kid comes up, talks to me. And I love little kids. So a little kid comes up and talks to me and I. They're like, what are you doing? Or whatever. And I'm like, well, that's a Good question. And I start talking to them, and I can't tell you how many times a parent will come up a moment later and be like, I'm sorry my child is bothering you. Just leave him alone, honey. And I always make a point to tell the parent she's not bothering me. And then I carry on the conversation or bring them into the conversation she was actually just asking about, blah, blah, blah, in fact. And we had this conversation. And sometimes the parent will be like, okay, okay, okay, let's go. Let's go, honey. Let's go, honey. It's like they're uncomfortable, they're bothered. So we're projecting this everyone's mad at me energy all the time. And it's the wrong way to approach life, because if you're looking for that, you'll find it. Everyone's mad at me all the time. And instead we ought to shift to, I know my outcome. I know who I am. I know where I'm coming from. Sometimes people might be upset. That's okay. Upset is temporary. And we work through it to get to the other side. Because I'm here for more than just to make sure that you approve of me. Can you feel the power of that? The confidence of that, the strength of that? You say, but I feel so guilty. The guilt is a misunderstanding. You have guilt, a natural human guilt mechanism, a healthy guilt mechanism. I wrote an article many years ago for a magazine about healthy versus unhealthy guilt. Maybe we could dig that up. But healthy guilt mechanism is you act outside your values. You're clear what your values are. You have to know what they are in the first, you act outside of them, and as a result, you cause harm to somebody else, and then you go apologize to them. You feel guilty, right? If I yell at one of my kids in a way that's over the topic. It's not like I'm trying to be disciplined. Instead, I'm just kind of irritated and frustrated. Frustrated and snap at one of them or treat my wife in a way. I'm like, and I snap at her in some unpleasant way. And like, afterwards, you know, I want to treat them with respect. I didn't do that. Or not as respectful as I could. Let me go clean that up. Hey, the other day when I was snapping at you, it wasn't your fault. I was stressed and taking it out on you. I'm sorry. That's a healthy guilt mechanism. Clear the air, Everything's good. Game on. Unhealthy guilt would be. Anytime anyone feels upset or uncomfortable, it's my fault and I have to fix it. And this is a default survival strategy from when you were young to get through whatever challenges we might have had. And that was then and this is now. And you are an adult and you don't need to relate to the world like they're your parent or the teacher. You are in a place of authority. You are the authority in your own life. Even if someone has a title above you at work, you are a sovereign individual and you get to choose and you get to have your own perspectives and you get to decide what, what is reasonable and not reasonable in this situation. And so that's a great thing to come back to. Was it reasonable for me to ask that person or comment that they didn't get the thing done by Wednesday? Yes. Right. Obviously, I'm gonna act within my values, so I'm not gonna be like, hey, listen, you terrible, awful person. Right? Just like, hey, matter of fact, I don't need to be like, I'm sorry to bother you and I'm sure you have a reason. And look, I don't wanna burden you or whatever, just no, direct to the point, that's all. A bunch of people pleasing, trying to avoid the conflict, go into it, confront the issue and solve the problem. Hey, Bob, we were supposed to get those things in on Wednesday. I noticed yours isn't in what happened. Why didn't you get it in? What got in the way? Right. So we can solve this so it doesn't happen again. And maybe they're a subordinate or you're supervising them. It's like, look, we need to solve this problem. This can't happen again. So let's pinpoint why it happened and make it clear that you know so you can solve this so it doesn't happen again. So I'm setting a standard. I'm recreating an agreement to make sure that they follow through, helping problem solve with them. So that, is that reasonable? When you hear that, does it sound reasonable to you? I'd say most people would say yes. So if I'm doing it and I'm being reasonable and they have a bunch of feel like Bob's like, oh, my God, I'm such a loser and I hate myself. That's Bob's business, man. He's been doing that long before he met you. So let him keep doing it. That's not your role. You're not Bob's therapist, you're not Bob's mom. You don't need to do that. Just let him have his feelings and we're here to get a job done, and this applies in all areas of life. You own who you are, know where you're coming from, know your values, act within them. If you don't, apologize. But beyond that, this helps you shed decades of unnecessary guilt and fear of conflict. So share down below in the comments. Whether you agree or disagree, let's fight and also what you're finding most valuable. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
