Dr. Aziz explains why seeking approval is harmful — it stems from a belief "I'm not okay unless you like me," which leads to controlling behaviors that repel others — and offers a brief, practical remedy: a breathing-based softening exercise to access self-worth without needing external validation.
Approval seeking is the worst. And here's how to stop it. The reason it's the worst is because it comes from this feeling of, I'm not okay unless you like me. And so, therefore, in order to feel okay, which we all want to do, I'm gonna have to control you and make you like me. Now, I don't know about you, but pretty much every human out there does not like to be controlled, even if it's subtly. And so you create this repelling effect. You're trying to grab something from the other person they feel, and they kind of want to move away. So what do you do? You might say, but I really do want them to like me. What do I do with that? Here's what you do. Take a full, deep breath in. Find the part inside that's all quivery and tight and graspy. And exhale. And try to soften it just a little bit. And remind yourself of the truth. I don't need anything coming from you right now in order to feel okay. I can access that feeling right now just by breathing. Softening, Surrendering, Letting go. And everything is available right now.
