Are You B.A.F.?

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today's going to be a fun one. We're going to be talking about baff B A F. Are you baffled? What is bath? Did I just come up with a new acronym? Yes, I did. I'm gonna share with you what it is. I think it'll make you smile and laugh and maybe it will inspire you to step up and be more, do more, really live life that you want. So we're dive right into that. And speaking of bath, and you'll see what I mean in just a minute. This is the beginning of the early birth special that we're having for. Or it's towards the end, actually. So there's about seven day period here for the early bird for my next live event, which is the ultimate confidence breakthrough. And I want to invite you to come out and join me for that. Come to. It's going to be Portland, Oregon. And it is, look at the calendar here, June 21st through 23rd, and that's in Portland, Oregon. So it's a couple months out and man, dude, dudette, you gotta be there. You gotta make it happen. Because if you've been listening to the show, especially if you've been listening to the show for a little while, like, if this is your first one, you're like, what is this guy all about? Maybe not. I mean, I think it would benefit you because you're obviously intrigued. But if you've been listening to this show and you've seen any benefit at all from doing this, then the next level is gonna be that live event. You cannot compare the impact of the experience of listening to something for 20 or 30 minutes versus being immersed in an environment for three full days. It's powerful. People's minds are blown. They express a variety of things ranging from like, I've never done stuff like this before. I've never felt this connected to people before. I've never felt Like, I belong somewhere before. These are actual statements that people have made. There is a level of safety and connection and support that we create. That's pretty incredible. Another really common thing that people talk about is, like, I wasn't expecting people here to be so awesome. Like, they're sort of expecting, like, a room full of rejects and freaks. Like, ugh, I'm a loser. You know, that's kind of this distorted perception we might have of ourselves. But actually, people there are extremely capable. They're like business owners and highly professional in their career and lawyers and doctors and teachers and. And then there's mothers and fathers, there's women there, there's men there, there's teenagers there. And people are just like, whoa. Because the truth is, it's not some deficit in you. It's you are hungry for growth and you want something more. You want to grow and you want more confidence. And everyone could benefit from more confidence. You might see yourself as less than or inferior in some way, but the truth is that you are extraordinary. Especially the people. I tell people that, that show up at the event because the vast majority of people are just not going to work on their stuff in this way. Not going to invest their time and energy and focus and money to fly out there and do this. So I highly encourage you to come join me. They're very powerful experiences. The favorite thing that I do in this form of my mission, in my work. So I'd love to share that experience with you. You can go to the website for the podcast, which is shrinkforthshyguy.com and just below this episode, which will be right at the top because it's the most recent one. There'll be a link for the event, but you can also go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com SocialConfidenceCenter.com, click on the Events tab, and then you'll see the event. You can just sign up, you can register. You can get the Early Bird Special up until April. April 11th is the last day I think they were doing it. Or until the Early Bird tickets sell out, because we do reserve some seats for people who want to come. There are usually people that, as it gets closer to the event, want to trickle in. Although then the price, the full price, it's not half off. The Early Bird part ends on the 11th of April. So get it. Go there now if you want to secure that spot. And speaking of that, to do that for you. Might be a Bath move. Let's bring it back to Bath. Might be a Bath Move. For you to just sign up and go to an event, be like, I don't know the people there and they're going to brainwash me. What would my friends think? What would my mom think? Right? And maybe for you just to have the courage and just to do it would be a bath move. What is bath? Let me give you another example of a bath move. There's a group of people talking. You don't know them. And you walk up to the group and you put your hand on someone's shoulder and you go right into the group and be like, hey, what are we talking about here? And you join right into the group. Another bath move. If you're a man who's interested in dating women and you see a group of four women sitting around a table, you walk right up to them, grab a seat from another table, pull it in, and sit down right next to them, and then ask them a question or join in the conversation. Bath. What else is bath? Someone. You show up to a new environment and they need someone to give a talk or share something in front of a group. And you raise your hand, you say, I got it, I'll do it. And you stand up in front of a group of people you don't know and share for 5, 10, 15 minutes, impromptu boom. Bath. There is an opportunity to give it in a social setting. A toast, a speech, and no one's doing it. And you stand up and you clink your glass like dink, dink, dink, dink. And everyone looks at you and you stand full and tall and you say, I like to propose a toast. And then you propose said toast. All of this is baff. What does BAFF stand for? You ready? And for those of you who have sensitive ears or have children in the car, look out, look out, there's some cursing coming. BAFF stands for bold as fuck. That's right. Baff. It's a very official term. I am a professional psychologist. I'm a doctor of sorts of. And I use terminology like baff stands for the whole thing. It's absurd. Anyway, bold as fuck. That's what it is. And that's what makes me smile. And that is a great identity to adopt. I am baff. I am bold as fuck. So what is baff? And how is it different than just courage or regular boldness? Well, what did you notice about any of those scenarios that I just demonstrated or shared? What is it theme across those. What is the trend? There's no right answer here. This is just for you to reflect on and notice well, they are. There's a couple of things. One is they're socially bold, relationship bold career. They're bold in the sense that they are maybe a bigger risk. You're putting yourself out there more, right? So standing up, being the center of attention, clinking the glass is. Is very different than like going over and whispering to someone, hey, I'd like to write a note for the bride and groom. And you can give it to them and tell them that I. Yeah, okay, thanks. All right, so maybe you're sharing some heartfelt sentiments in that little note that you give the bride and the groom. There's a little bit of courage in that, maybe a little bit of stretching of your capacity to be open and open hearted and vulnerable. It's good and there's nothing wrong with that. But it's not bath. Bath is making the big move. Bath is the big risk, the bold move. I'm the center of the attention. I'll hold the center of attention. I will have all eyes on me. Yes, bring it on. And then I will fucking own it. When I'm there, I'll rip it open and just do it. Here we go. Let's go. And so when you're doing it, you're able to hold that center. You know, your toast isn't meek and apologetic. It is, here I am delivering this. Your speech in the business meeting is like, here, Here are my thoughts. I'm not gonna be sheepish about it. I'm not gonna be hesitant about it. I'm not gonna second guess myself. Here it is. And the same thing, you know, here I am. When you approach the four ladies you're attracted to, it's like, here I am. Yeah, I'm here to talk to you. And maybe they'll like it, maybe they won't, but here I am. And I know that I'm fun to talk to. I know that their conversation could be enhanced by interacting with me. Be fun or interesting or engaging in some way, because I'm a fun, interesting, engaging person. So what are you noticing about Baff? Are you baff? And if not, that's okay. I mean, that's maybe why you're here. I don't think I'm Baff all the time either. But as an identity, it's something we don't have to live at 100% of the time. It's just something we come back to. It's our center of gravity. So there's certain identities that I've adopted that I've consciously cultivated over time. These are things that I Say to myself that I own. That I embody things like, I am an athlete, I am a runner, I am a transformational leader. These are terms and phrases that, at one point, I did not see myself as any of those things, and I consciously constructed the identity. And are there times where I don't run? Sure, but I'm still a runner. Are there times where I'm timid or scared or hold back? Sure. But I'm still baffled. Because when you own that identity, you're more likely to show up that way more of the time. Does that make sense? Because if you're. If you say, I'm not that way, or I'm timid or I'm scared, or I'm awkward, I'm socially anxious, I'm shy. These are all phrases that you may or may not consciously say. Usually, our identities, we don't consciously go around saying them. You just feel them. They're just an unconscious guide for you to how to show up here. A new situation. How should I show up? Well, I'm shy and timid because that's who I am. And you might not be walking around saying to yourself, I am a shy and timid person, but you have that identity because you know that when you get to a new environment, how do you act? Shy and timid. So we remain consistent with our identity. And the best identity that you could adopt would be something like, you know, I am courageous, I am bold, I am confident. I take life on. These are much more empowering identities. You might want to pick one and consciously cultivate that. Say it to yourself repeatedly, and then act from that as much as you can. Now, if you want to take it a step further, and I understand this is not for everyone, because to go from nothing to bath is quite a big leap. But if you've been listening to this podcast for a while and been practicing stuff and growing your confidence, and maybe you're going through confidence university right now, and step by step, building that secure foundation of confidence so it doesn't go up and down so much every day. And then from that place, you start to take bit, bit by bit, more and more action. Then it's like being in a certain level of fitness, level of shape. Then you can pull off some bath moves. Think of it like that. Like to go from nothing to running a marathon. You can't do it. Your body physically is not capable of it. The thing with making a bold move is you actually could do it. It's just. It might be overwhelming to pull it off, but sometimes people do Sometimes people get so fucking fed up and desperate that they're like, you know, I'm just done. I had a client like this who had decades, I mean, I think he was about 50 years old, decades of nice guyness and people pleasing and fear of confrontation and social anxiety, and had managed to be pretty successful in his career because it was a more introverted career. He was a writer and. But then he started to get more successful as a writer and had to give presentations and talks and all this stuff, and it just terrified him. But it was part of his job and he wanted to keep doing it and growing in his career. So he forced himself to do these talks and these public appearances and work on the social anxiety. But still, all the people pleasing and everything was pretty entrenched. And he lived this way for many years. And then he sought out my services, working with me to help really adopt a more bold, assertive approach to life in his career and his relationships and everything. And, you know, first it was like, oh my God, it's so hard. I don't speak up for myself. I never do. And I just noticed how current his identity was. And this is a very important thing for you to know if you don't already know this, which is you are consciously constructing your identity every day and it comes out in the language that you use. And most people are constructing a negative or very limited identity in the present. I am this way. I never speak up for myself. I always have a hard time being assertive. I always avoid those confrontations. I never approach anyone I'm attracted to. These are statements he would make. And I called him out on it very early, probably our first or second session. So this is the current identity. Now, if you say that I never approach people I'm attracted to, when is that statement? That's right now. That means tomorrow, if I see someone I'm attracted to, what am I gonna do? Not approach them. So at the very least, we want to do a simple. This is a simple NLP linguistic trick, but it's powerful to your subconscious, which is to say, in the past, I used to avoid speaking up in the past, I used to avoid people I was attracted to. Or the shorthand version of just, I used to. I used to avoid people. I used to not speak up. But, you know, you can throw it in the past to make it more significant to your subconscious, to your mind. So whenever you catch yourself making a present day identity statement that doesn't serve you consciously on purpose, say, you know, it might slip out. Yeah, well, I just I'm just, I never follow through on projects, right? When you notice it go, wait, wait, wait, in the past I used to struggle following through on projects. Or even better in the past I sometimes would struggle following through on projects because maybe that wasn't true on every single project, right? We tend to generalize and say I never follow through on any project. And those are both extremes. They're not accurate statements, they're generalizations. So catch it and then enhance your language. And that might seem like a simple linguistic trick, but it's powerful. Just like when you notice yourself shoulding all over yourself, I should do this, I should do that. I should have done this. Switch it to I prefer, I should be more confident. I would prefer if I were more confident I should never make a mistake. I would prefer if I didn't make mistakes. It's amazing how much that tension and self attack that can just release just by doing that. So these linguistic tricks are really powerful. I highly recommend you play with that. But this client is creating a current day identity and he was really stuck in that and we started to work on it. But then in the course of our work together, probably about two months in, the shit hit the fan and found out his wife of many years was having an affair. And it was not just a, it was like a big deal, it was like not just a fling, it was like an ongoing relationship on the side. And he was just like totally broadsided and hurt and upset and angry and there was just this really painful experience that kind of came out of nowhere in a lot of ways. Now the relationship was having its own issues, so not completely out of nowhere, but that level of deception and stuff was really rocked his world. And now then he gets, then he goes through the divorce process and everything and then the dissolution of their assets and negotiation and then finding out more about the affair and all this stuff. And he was just kind of a wreck for a period of time. But then all of a sudden as he's going through all this shit and hurting so much and struggling and trying to figure himself out and he maintained his confidence. I mean, thank God we were working together because we could help him keep riding his ship every time he spoke to get back to a place of confidence. So even though he's suffering a lot and he has this painful experience, it doesn't mean he sucks and he can never have a relationship and it's all his fault and he fucked everything up and all these stories we can have. So I'm cursing a lot today if fuck is in the title, bold as fuck. I just, I can't help myself. Been trying to restrain myself, curse less. Trying to make my next book have no cursing in it so hard. Don't curse around my children. So when I get here, I just, just pours out on me, blah, blah. In any case, where was I? Shit. Okay, so he is really stuck in this way. All this pain and then out of nowhere, when we're not even actively working on it because we're just in damage control for a few months, like trying to help him figure out his life. All of a sudden he's like, yeah. So I had that conversation with my friend. We were co writing a book and I had to tell him that I didn't want to work with him on a second project because, you know, X, Y and Z. So I had that conversation with him and I was like, okay, wait, what? What? Isn't that the kind of thing that you never, ever, ever would do in the past? Oh, yeah, I know. No, I wouldn't do that. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I just did it. I was like, okay, how did you just do it? Cause I was like, when people have successes and wins, I try to, you know, we celebrate them, but then I. We want to break them down so we can reverse engineer them because those aren't accidents, those aren't flukes. You did something to create that. So that's a very powerful tip for you when you acknowledge your wins. What did I do to create that? And so we kind of broke it down and then again, he had this assertive conversation and then with someone else and then in a dating situation and then, you know, with his ex wife and then this and then that. And he started having more and more and more direct, bold conversations. I said, wow, like usually people have to, you know, baby step their way to this. And you. He just like took enough of a beating and a pummeling in life that, that all of a sudden he was just done. He's like, I know. I don't think he said this consciously, but this is what I think his mindset was or his thought process or his internal way of making sense of things was. I know what year decades of being the nice guy led to, and I don't ever want to experience that pain again. So if I don't start speaking up for myself, if I don't start going after what I want and being the bold person I want to be, I'm going to get more of that pain. And oh my God, do I not want to experience that level of gut Wrenching pain again. And I think there was this clear, firm decision in him, even if it was just unconscious, because he didn't talk about it being a conscious decision process. He just made that decision and then boom, from there. So even if you haven't been building up your boldness with baby steps, you might just be able to activate when you get fed up enough, when you get sick and freaking tired of life just passing you by and things not working out again and again and again, you just will. You can potentially reach a threshold moment. And then in that moment of threshold, if you decide to step up and step through. Because sometimes people in the moment of threshold, they retreat and they're like, you know, tons of people in his situation get the divorce and they just, you know, tailspin and to alcohol and drugs and, you know, trying to rebound relationships and sex and just, I gotta get away from these feelings. And then they have all this tumultuous ongoing stuff with their partner, their ex partner, and all this contention, and then they start losing focus at work and they can get fired or a lot of, you know, all kinds of stuff I've seen happen for people. But he chose, in that moment of threshold to step up, to not collapse further into old patterns, but to do something new. Instead of being broken, he chose to break open. And those are two very different things. So let's talk about action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action set for today. Do you want to go for it? Do you want to be Bath? What would bath be for you? That's my action step, is just to even inquire, even just go through the day and in different scenarios, fantasize about what baff would be. Let yourself play it out like a mental movie. And if it makes you smile, you're on the right track. If it makes. If you actually imagine doing the thing that comes to your mind and it makes your stomach drop or your heart double beat, you're on the right track, because that's baff. That's the feeling of baff. So I would love to hear about and watch you do baff. And if you want to do some stuff that might feel baff for you, come. Come join me in Portland. And look, we don't force anyone. We don't kick anyone out of the jump door like you're jumping. It's a. Choose your own adventure. You can calibrate. Sometimes people go out in the world and do stuff that might seem very mild to other people, but to them, it's pushing their edge. And I guarantee one thing that if you come join me in Portland for those three days for the ultimate confidence breakthrough, you will increase your confidence. There is no way for you to go to this event and spend three days in the room with me and everyone else there and not grow. Guaranteed. You will grow in confidence. You will use that confidence to be more bold, take more action, live life more on your terms. We do a ton of focus on getting in touch with yourself, deciding from inside bold, direct, powerful action and eliminating niceness, people pleasing, approval seeking, all that stuff that disconnects you from your power. So we go deep into that topic and help you emerge as a much more bold, kick ass version of you. Some might even say bath. So go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com and click on the Events tab. You have just a little bit more time here before the early bird ends. And if you're on the fence, hey, maybe it's a BAF move just to do it. And it's something I promise you won't regret. So I'd love to meet you in person and work with you. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.