Are You The Captain Of Your Ship?

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about you steering your life, you being the captain of your ship. And I'm really excited because my goal for you in this episode is for something to click into place. There's a way of being, a way of seeing the world that you have done before and then you've fallen out of it. It's kind of like a certain perspective. We can see the clouds part and we can see clearly for a moment, and then the clouds are back. And my goal in this episode is, as you listen to it, it's gonna bring you back, realign you with this way of seeing the world. And the goal, as you'll see in this episode, is to be able to go back there and to be able to live from this perspective and then to sustain it longer and longer. So what perspective am I talking about? How do we get there? How does it benefit our life? What does it do with confidence? We're talking about all that in today's episode. Thank you for being with me here today. You are awesome. Have you acknowledged one of your wins for today? Is there a win you could give yourself credit for right now if you wanted to take a quick break to do that? Very good. If you just sat there silently thinking of nothing, then what's up with that? Are you able to access your wins? Fantastic. So I would love to invite you, if you're moved by this, to find a way to connect with me further. This is something that I'm teaching on a regular basis. You hear it each week. But there is so much, so much more that I teach and I share. And one of the best ways to do that is in one of my primary group programs that I have, they're shorter, there's a longer one, there's a whole year immersion. And if you really want to not just get a little bit of progress, but radically upgrade your identity, then I Highly recommend my program. It's called the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. There's other ones too, so it's worth checking out. Go to the coaching page on my website. Go to draz.coM-R-A z I z.com and then click on the coaching tab. Because if you're listening to this, I'm sure there's something you resonate with. And if you're wondering, like, is more possible, Can I go further? The answer is absolutely yes. As you'll see in this episode today, the question is just how are you going to get there? And I personally did not get to where I am and have not grown in any significant way without input, structure, coaching support, guidance. I think that's just how we work as humans. So what is more what is possible? That's more. Let's talk about that right now. What's possible is you being the captain of your ship. Now, before I describe what that is, let's talk about what it's not. Because what it's not is how most people live most of their lives most of the time. A lot of most. And here's what it is. You wake up in the morning, you feel a little nervous. You feel a little anxious. You think about what I got to do today. Maybe you're nervous about some presentation you got to do. You're like, I'm nervous because I got this presentation. I don't know if it goes well. I want these people to like it, but I don't know if they will. I don't know if we're going to hit our sales quota. You look at the news, you look at social media, you say, oh, my gosh, look at what's happening in the world. Look at these people. What are they doing? I don't get them, whoever they are, those people that are different than me. Ah, man. World's fucked. Ugh. There's nothing we could do about it anyway. We're just gonna. We're just heading barreling down a path of polluting ourselves off this planet. Aw, man. Okay. Maybe we're a little down in that moment. A little later, we get a little fiery, you know? I can't believe that person didn't give me that thing they said they would. That asshole that's inside, though. We never say that. They get angry inside. What that person didn't do. They said they're gonna do that thing and they didn't fuck. We're upset, we're frustrated. Often inside, and we're frustrated or irritated. We're annoyed that this, you know, our spouse didn't do that thing. Our friend didn't do that thing. This person says too much of that. Then we escape into some entertainment. Watch a movie, watch a show, flick around on your phone and rinse and repeat. Now that sounds like a pretty shitty day, right? Let's, you know, it could be better. And you're like, I'm excited though, because I got this thing I'm looking forward to on Friday. I'm gonna go on that date on Friday. I'm gonna go see that whatever that go to that show on Friday. I'm gonna do this thing Saturday. I'm gonna go spend time with this friend or whatever it is you're looking forward to. And then maybe even on a given day, you're like, I really enjoy this thing that I did or that was fun, or I like that. So I feel good because I just did this thing. And what I'm describing to you might just sound like life. You're like, yeah, there's ups and downs, there's good and bad. There's things that feel good, there's things that feel sucky. And you know, that's it. That is a disempowered stance. That is not a stance of confidence. That is not being the captain of your own ship. Because if you think about it, you are just at the mercy of the seas, at the mercy of the winds and the currents, right? Is it a good day or a bad day? Well, I don't know. I guess it depends on what happens. Ask me at the end of the day, right? Did I get what I wanted? Did people like me, Did I avoid conflict? Did I get all the results that I wanted and then just the time frame that I wanted, everything work out perfectly? Did that person I like like me back? The person that I want to sell to say yes, did that. Who I wanted to impress in that meeting so they would give me a kudos so then later I could feel like I did a good job. If all those things happen, then great, it's a great day. But if they don't happen, it's a shitty day. If that person is upset with me, then that's terrible. That person doesn't like me. That's bad. I can't feel good. And so we are at the mercy of the currents. We are at the mercy of the external environment. And this becomes. Well, you can already see. Can you see some of the flaws in this approach to life? Like in your own personal experience? What is the result? What is the effect, the impact of living this way. What do you notice? Well, one, and I saw this in my own life for a long time is a lot of anxiety, right? Because it's like, well, I don't want the bad stuff to happen. If the bad stuff happens and whatever bad is to you, right, whatever the bad stuff is happens and then I'm going to feel terrible. And so I want to avoid the bad stuff. So I spend a lot of my time trying to avoid it. I'm anxious about it. A lot of the time it's a background anxiety. Something bad could happen, something bad. I want that bad thing to happen. And what we don't see because it's so fused with our perception is that the bad thing happening equals bad things. And I'm putting bad in quotes here, the thing that we don't like happening equals pain. Emotional pain that could come in the form of loss or limitation or lack or physical pain in terms of strife or struggle. So I don't want those bad things to happen because I don't want to feel those painful emotions. And so now I'm on edge, I'm stressed, I'm anxious. Now that's just in my day to day life. What if I broaden it? You know, maybe my day is going pretty good. Maybe nothing terrible happening. Let's just take out my phone here and plug into the, oh my God, plugged into the mainframe and you can see whatever you want to see, you know, you want to see, you know, conflict and turmoil in some far reaching corner of the world? Sure, look it up. Look what's happening in that area. Oh my gosh, it feels terrible. You want to see decimation of forest, land or something? Sure, look it up. Oh look, they put this new pipeline in here, like, oh God. Right. And so what we can do is even if our own day is going quote good, then we can take in data and information that then makes us feel like, you know what, okay, maybe I'm going okay, but humanity is not going okay, Overall, things are bad, right? So then no matter what, we're fucked. No matter what, you can't feel good. And if you do, it's a sweet temporary reprieve, right? Like, oh, the winds went my way today, the current went my way today. So you know what, I can feel good today, but I'm actually kind of anxious underneath because what about tomorrow? Is tomorrow gonna go well? So is this how you've been living? It's extremely common. I've spent many years of my life, most years of my life living this way. It's only due to very targeted work on this that I've been able to shift and create something different. And I don't think it's a one and done. I think it's a continual progression. There's higher and higher levels of ownership that we can take. Ownership is a way of describing another way of saying captain of your own ship. So let's describe what that would look like right now. By contrast, being the captain of your own ship means I take ownership for my experience of life. I take total ownership for my experience of life. That doesn't mean I am in total control of the circumstances of my life. That's a very different thing. I don't have direct control over what happens in the political arena. I don't have direct control over what that colleague says to me or whether that colleague follows through on what they said they were going to do. I don't have control over where that person I go on a date with wants to go on a second date with me. And if you think you have control, that's an illusion. And that's what a lot of stuff will try to sell you. It's like, well, just do this technique and then you will control them. Like, oh, maybe. I mean, I'm not saying you can't get better at certain skills, but it doesn't matter how good you are at something, you don't have real control. And if you do have any illusion of control, it's fleeting and it leaves you back in that place of anxiety again. So I don't have control of out there, but I am the total owner of my own experience of life. What does that mean? That means it snaps that little circuit between what happens out there and what I feel. And so if someone says no to me, do I automatically have to feel bad? If someone doesn't like me, do I automatically have to feel anxious or like I've done something wrong? If something problematic is happening in the broader world, do I automatically have to feel scared, guilty or overwhelmed or pessimistic? You start to separate the circumstance from your inner experience. So a simple way as a teacher I've learned from recently whoever likes names. Keith Cunningham. He teaches about business and how to run a more successful business. Super illuminating. For me it's a lot about like how to pull up your big boy pants and actually look at numbers and financing and, or finances and understand your business and how to operate it. It was really good for me. And one thing he loves to say is like, he's got this, Let me see if I Can do a. Keep cutting out. Here it is on a bumper sticker. He's got a more that's. You gotta have optics in your business. Now here it is on a bumper sticker. So here's what I'm trying to say on a bumper sticker. As Keith Cunningham would say, it's not my circumstances that determine how I feel, it's how I'm steering. To bring it back to that captain metaphor, it's not your circumstances, it's how you're steering. Another way to say that is it's not your circumstances, it's your psychology. Now, this is something that. I've heard this before. Not in such a cessation. Great. Bumper stick away. I'll take credit for that. I'm sure someone has said something very similar a thousand times throughout human history, but I heard this kind of stuff, this idea of owner versus victim. I talk about it in one of my earlier books, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, and I heard about it from a lot of different teachers. You've probably heard about it. It's not radically new, but hearing about it, getting some sense of it versus living it a thousand percent different, that's like, yeah, I've heard about this thing called working out. Yeah, I know all about it. I read about it. Yeah, you know. You know, tell me, ask me things, I'll tell you about it. Yeah, you got to get up, you got to stretch, you got to run, you got to lift weights and do, you know, wonder whatever your things are. Yeah, I know all about it. Am I. Am I doing it? Oh, no, I don't have time for that shit. Right. So knowing about something is basically mostly irrelevant. I mean, maybe you have a starting point to apply it. You know, if you know a bit more about it, you might be able to apply it a little better. But that does not. Those two do not equal each other. Knowing about something and living it are in different universes. So that's my question for you. Are you living this stance? It's the owner stance, total ownership. I am responsible for my experience. I am responsible for how I feel. I am responsible on how I'm going to steer in any given moment in the day. And so all of a sudden, instead of the day becoming about like, oh, I hope bad shit doesn't happen today? It becomes about, how am I going to steer today? How do I want to steer when the seas are calm? How do I want to steer when things are going, you know, the winds are blowing in my favor and how do I want to steer in a Storm. How do I want to steer in a. You know, when there's no winds and it feels like I'm going nowhere, how do I want to steer? When adversity arises, which is going to be basically regularly in your life, how do you want to steer it? And again, most people, like, I hope my life has as little adversity as possible. And then when it does happen, it's like this terrible, tragic thing. Oh, my God, this terrible thing has happened. Let me tell you about this terrible thing. And a person says, yeah, it's such a terrible thing, you know, And I don't want to minimize true tragedy. Right? You know, someone gets a major illness and dies, you lose a loved one, lose a pet, lose a family member, lose a child, lose a job that you had your identity in for many years. So I'm not saying that the total ownership stance is like, hey, listen, suck it up, all right? You know, it's like, that's so. That's a unskillful application of this extremely liberating way of approaching life. We still need to have nuance. We still need to have compassion. We still need to have a heart. And there's another way. There's a whole different way. And the more I've gotten this, the more I feel like I've done a bit of rock climbing recently. And there's this really interesting thing where you're kind of climbing up a wall and you're looking for, where can I put my hand next? And if you bring your foot up higher, this is my wife, who's done a lot more climbing, teaching this. When I first started climbing, I was like, I'm gonna lift with my arms, because that's what a strong guy does, you know? And then, like, basically, everyone who climbs, like, no, no, climb with your legs. Shut up. So I did that for a while. Then my arms broke. Not literally, but, you know, burned out. So I was like, okay, let me climb with my legs. And so you're sitting there against the wall, and the impulse is to reach up with your hand and grab the next thing and then pull your body up. But the more effective technique, apparently, because I still don't do it very well, is to bring your foot up to the next place and then push your body up with your leg, which is a much stronger muscle than your arms. And when you do that, though, what's really interesting is you put your foot up there and you get to the next vantage point, all of a sudden, whole new options arise. You see things that you never saw before. There's new handholds that you didn't even see were there because you got to a new place. You have a sturdiness on a new footing now. That's how being the captain of your ship is. Like when you get into the captain place, all of a sudden, like, whoa, everything looks very different from up here. Have a lot more clarity. I have a lot more choice. I have a lot more power, a lot more freedom. It feels fucking good to know that the quality of my life today is not going to be determined by what you do or say or what a friend does or says, or what the politicians do or say, or what the weather does today, or whether I get a parking ticket or not. Like, it doesn't fucking. That's not going to control me. And all of a sudden, from that vantage point, you have a new relationship to adversity. Instead of one of fear and apprehension, it's one of challenge. Bring it on. Each one becomes a test, right? Like, think of a captain, a ship who's got a little bit of swagger to him or her. I know in ye olden times there's more male captains than female captains, but this metaphor is for all. You see yourself as a captain, no matter whatever area you want. And imagine a captain with a bit of swagger. Maybe not totally arrogant or disconnected and too extreme, but just confidence. A confident captain. Now, here comes the storm. Like, is the captain like, oh, God. Everybody, Everybody on my boat, gather around, okay? There's a storm coming. I'm freaking the fuck out. I can't breathe. I think I'm gonna jump off. I gotta go. I'm gonna hide my quarters. Right? I just. Okay. Or, you know, there's some bad weather and the captain's like, moping around the boat like, oh, man. Guys, this weather's terrible. Just imagine there's like some sailors sitting around doing whatever sailors do when they're in their downtime. Hey, guys, mind if I join in for a bit? Yeah. It's pretty shitty out here, isn't it, man? Not gonna get any wind, I don't think. Probably gonna die out here. It's terrible. Can you imagine that, Captain? It's almost like a comedy show. It's ridiculous. So what if you were truly the captain of your ship and you said, I'm gonna steer. Then all of a sudden, when the adversity comes, it's a challenge. It's like, oh, I can navigate this storm. What you say I can't? Watch me. That's the place that we come into with being in the captain of our ship. And there is no end to what challenge we're willing to take on. And life will bring them to you on a daily or weekly basis. Especially if you're growing, especially if you're putting yourself out there and taking risks. You're going to get no's, you're going to get rejections, you're going to get pains, you're going to get setbacks, you're going to try and you're going to fail. Things are not going to go your way, especially if you're actively engaged in life. And so we steer the ship the way we want and then we got to navigate the water that we find ourselves in to navigate the currents, navigate the storms. Let me give you a real simple, practical example. But let's say you are connecting with somebody and it feels like it's going really well. This could be a professional thing, this could be a personal thing. I'm going to leave it really broad for you. It's going really well. Seems like it might work. Seems like they might want to buy from you. Seems like they might want to partner with you. Seems like they might want to partner with you in a different way. Alright. Anyway, it's going well and then all of a sudden falls apart. Their mood changes, their tone changes, they seem a little more mistrustful, a little more distant and you're just like, whoa, whoa. And then they're gone real fast. It's kind of like, it's kind of what? You're moving closer together over a couple weeks and then all of a sudden, poof, it just disappears, falls apart, water rises, oh, there's some pain there. I'm hurting inside. Okay, well, as a captain, you don't hurt, alright? Captains don't feel pain. No, it's not what I'm talking about here. So if you try to apply this approach this way, that's unskilled, it's ineffective. That's like someone saying, I tried to build my bed frame and I used a hammer and I smashed it and it didn't work. This hammer is bullshit. It's like, no, you just didn't know how to use the tool. So we gotta learn how to use this tool effectively. So telling yourself not to hurt, that doesn't work. The captain rolls with the weather, rolls with the season. You don't deny it. You don't say, there's no wind going the opposite way. You have to say, yeah, there's wind coming your way and it's interfering. Let me see how to work with it. So you acknowledge the feeling that arises. Oh, okay. What kind of. What is this? Is it emotional pain? Okay. Am I disappointed? Longing? What was I longing for? I was wanting that connection so bad. Okay. And you're just really curious. Super curious. What is it? What am I longing for? Maybe in a personal example, you're longing for connection. You're longing for love. Okay, all right. And the professional one, what is it? I'm longing for recognition. I'm longing for success. I'm longing for money. I'm longing for security. I. Longing to prove myself. Whatever you discover, don't judge it. Just be really curious about it. Say, okay, all right, that's there. Now, how do I want to steer this? That is the question you want to ask yourself. That's the circumstance. The person disappeared. How do I want to steer this? And I don't mean exactly, just what do you want to do externally. I mean, how do you want to steer this internally? And remember, you get to choose. And it's not about saying like, okay, I'm gonna choose to see it. Like, you know, actually, this was a good thing because probably someone better coming along. You know, that could be a useful perspective. But if you try to hold that perspective and say, there'll be someone better coming along, so now I'm not gonna feel anything else other than excited and grateful. It doesn't work that way. It's like, you have to be able to hold multiple perspectives. Like, yep, here's a new way to see it. And, yep, there's a part of me that's still upset or frustrated, and you just kind of hold them both. But you don't buy the victim story so fully. You're not like, yeah, it's terrible. Okay. Oh, my God. No one's ever gonna want to be with me. I'm never gonna succeed in my career. And just going down that road. No, because you're the captain of your ship. Let me give you one more practical example from my own life. So just last weekend, I went on a hike near Mount Hood, which is one of my favorite places to go. And I was hiking around, and I ended up taking a few turns and went down this trail that I didn't anticipate going down. And there was this insane windstorm that hit Portland about a couple months ago. And, you know, in town, it was a big windstorm. The power went out. You know, not that big of a deal. Out in the Mount Hood Wilderness. It like. I mean, hundreds of trees fell over. Everywhere you look, tree. Like, huge trees getting uprooted and ripped out of the ground. I mean, it was insane. Windstorm. And so I hiked up on one trail where they'd done a lot of, you know, care work and, you know, chopped the chainsaw through the trees that were blocking the path and move them aside, blah, blah, blah. Then I went this other path back towards my car, and I was about six miles out, and I turned around to go back, and it was like every 30ft, there'd be a huge tree in the middle of the trail, and I had to climb over it and around it. And I was like, okay, here's adversity. And at first I was like, yeah, bring it on. And then I did that, and I moved and got further and further, and I had to take this other trail and blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, it's about 13 miles or so, I'm still a ways from my car, and my knee starts hurting. And that's something that I've been working on a little bit, is how to. If I'm demanding a lot of output from my body is how to do the flip side of it, which is mobility, strengthening the weak spots, stretching, all that stuff. I never used to do that shit anyway. I've been starting to do more of that recently. Anyway, after 13 miles, though, up and down super steep terrain, my knee was not in that kind of shape yet to handle that. And so it was hurting, and it would, like, hurt with every step. And I'm probably about two or three miles out still. And I noticed in that moment, I'm like, this sucks. This sucks. These circumstances are terrible. And I was like, oh, interesting. Okay, what's happening here? That's the first question you always want to ask. What's happening here? I was like, okay, it hurts. With each step. Noticed that my mind would go into the future and say, oh, my gosh, this means I'm not gonna be able to work out as much. I'm not gonna be able to hike, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you know, I don't really buy that. I feel generally optimistic about my strength, my health, my capabilities. So, okay, that's not really where the suffering is coming from. And then I got it, and I was like, oh. My mind is basically saying, like, the next three miles of this hike has to suck, right? Because it hurts. And if I'm in pain, then it's got to be painful. It's got to be miserable the next three miles. So I was kind of like, bracing myself for the next shitty period of time. And as soon as I saw it, I said, wait, A minute. It's not my circumstances, it's how I'm steering. How do I want to steer this? So the circumstances are there. There's pain with each step. Now how do I want to steer? And just asking yourself that question will start to open up possibilities for you. In fact, before I share what I did with that, let's have you reflect on this for your action step. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is to write this down somewhere. It's not my circumstances, it's how I'm steering. Or some variation of that. Right. You could. The longer version will be how I feel is not based on my circumstances, it's based on how I'm steering. But I like. It's not my circumstances, it's my steering. That's just, you know, short version, helpful. Put it on a little, you know, sticky note. Put it somewhere where you see it put on your phone, look at that thing regularly and just remind yourself of that throughout the day. It's not my circumstances. By steering. And then just notice what effect that has on you. And so what I was doing is I said, okay, how do I want to steer this? When I was hiking down the mountain, I was like, how do I want to steer this? And I said, well, it's possible, even just that, like, it's possible to hike and have pain and enjoy myself. There's someone out there that can do it. What are they doing? And I started playing around with it and I said, you know, I tell this story to my kids. I've been telling it all summer, this really elaborate saga. And I will, when I notice that when we're hiking, when I'm hiking with them and they get tired and they get sort of, I can't go any further. Well, and we have to hike back still, then I'll tell them, you know, big chunks of this story and they get totally engrossed. I have to make up this story. And so I was like, oh, maybe I'll think more about that story so I could tell them later today or the next day. And so I started thinking about the characters and story and what might happen next for them, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then a few minutes went by and I realized like, oh, I wasn't noticing my knee. And then I was like, my knee. Ow, my knee hurts. All this sucks. And I was like, ahaha. Wait a minute, wait a minute. What was that? What was that? Two minute gap. Interesting. And that was enough. That was enough for me to see, you know, it doesn't have to be this way. And, you know, here's the fascinating part. About a mile later, it started hurting way less. It was still bothering me, but, like, way less. So are the circumstances set? If you change how you're steering, do the circumstances change? There's a lot there to unpack. Thanks. Thanks for being with me today. You are awesome. I just noticed at the end of this recording that it was recording to my computer and not to my mic. So the sound quality on this one is gonna be a little bit worse. And you know what? What a shitty, shitty day. I mean, it's fucked. I can't. My whole day's ruined. All right, I got it. I'm kidding. All right, look, adversity, bring it on. You got this. You are the captain of your ship until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on some level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the Shy Guy with doctor if you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sa.