Are You Too Nice?

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be looking at a very important question. Maybe it's a question you've already been asking yourself, but we're gonna go into a deeper inquiry around, are you too nice? You know, what that actually looks like, what that means? Because what I find working with clients over the years on this is there might be an initial, like, acknowledgement, like, yeah, yeah, I'm too nice, or, oh, I know, I've heard that before. But there's not a real deep understanding of what that actually means. And. And maybe even there's not even a clarity of, well, how is niceness different than kindness? Or isn't niceness good? And I've seen this in people, even, you know, people who've read my book Not Nice, who really want to change this, and they know that it's causing them problems. They still question in different situations, you know, oh, maybe I should be this way. And they don't say, wow, I'm being too nice in this relationship, or I'm being too nice at work. Each situation, each scenario feels so unique and so different. And there's always a reason why I shouldn't speak up. There's always a reason why I shouldn't tell that person no. And it's not because I'm too nice. It's because. And so we're going to investigate this more. And this is part of a series of episodes I'm going to be doing around niceness as we kick off the new year here, because opening just today, I believe maybe yesterday, we had the super early bird tickets going on sale for my online live event called Not Nice Live. This is the first time we've ever done this event, and I invite you to join me to be a part of it. It's going to be powerful. And it's three days. It is virtual. So you can do it from anywhere in the world as long as you have the Internet, so if you're listening to this, you probably have the Internet. So. So check that out. I highly recommend it. I'll talk a little bit more about it later in the episode, but to join get your seat during the Super Early Bird, simply go to. You can go to stringfortheshyguy.com and look at this episode and there'll be a link down below. You can also go to drazeez.com and go to the events tab, draziz.com and then click on Events and you'll see it. And you can get the Super Early Bird, but it's only available for a short period of time, depending on when you're listening to this episode. About a week from today that I'm releasing this. So if you're listening to it a little bit later, then it's even a shorter period of time if the Super Early Bird has already passed. I still highly recommend coming even at the early bird or full ticket price. It's absolutely worth it. We have people that pay the full ticket price and love every moment of it. So if you know you want to come though, now is the time because you get to save some money. So very relevant to look at. Are you too nice? Because that's what the event is really helping people do is to be less nice. And I have to clarify a very simple distinction, which you maybe have heard me say before. But you know, repetition really starts to help this sink in, which is that to be not nice is not bad, it is not wrong, it is not immoral, it is not hurtful, it is not selfish, it is not sociopathic. To be not nice is to have boundaries, be direct, be real. So that you say no when you really want to say no. And you say what you really think. You're congruent. You're not presenting one way and really inside being another way. And so one way to capture all of that is to say you are being authentic. When you're being not nice, you are being you. Hence one of the phrases that I love, which is less nice, more you. So that's an important thing. You might have heard me say that before. But really let that sink in right now and let's look at this question. You know, are you too nice? Well, it's worth clarifying what niceness is, because you might think, well, can you be too nice? Isn't nice good? Isn't nice? Kind? Isn't nice loving? Actually, there's a big difference between niceness and kindness. And niceness might look like kindness but it's very different when you look at it a little more closely. Niceness is actually a compulsive habit that is rooted in fear, which is very different than kindness or generosity or love or other virtues that you might aspire to and that might be really good and healthy for your relationships in your life. And let me give you some examples to show you what I mean. So kindness might look like giving something of yourself for somebody. You know, maybe you give your time to support somebody, or you go out of your way to drive somebody somewhere, or, you know, you give someone some opportunity. You care about somebody, so you go check in on them. These are all kind things to do. You might say, well, yeah, that's what I would do if I was being a nice person. The difference is if you're kind, you have a choice. If you're nice, you do not. So the nice person has to go check on that person. They have to say yes to giving that person a ride. They have to do the, quote, kind thing. That is not really kindness. Why do you have to do it? Well, because there's an internal pressure that if you defy that you feel so guilty or anxious that it's awful, and so you never even go there. Same thing for, say, speaking up, right? If I speak up, I feel so. And when I say speak up, maybe you share your ideas, you share your real perspective. You challenge someone, you say no to something, you end something. And the fear of the guilt and of the anxiety of being a bad person is so strong that you can't do it. So it's compulsive. I have to stay in this. I have to be nice. I have to say these things that people want to hear. And so you're starting to get a picture how niceness might look like you're being kind. Oh, I'm not saying those hurtful things, or I'm not upsetting people, or I'm not saying no. But actually it's anything but kind, especially towards yourself. It leaves you running ragged. It leaves you depleted. It leaves you disconnected from who you really are. And that hurts. Over time, it can cause damage to your physical body, certainly to your emotions and your soul and your sense of aliveness. And if you really investigate what's going on there, it is fear. I am too uncomfortable with the idea that you're upset with me. In fact, let's get into some of these signs that you might be too nice. That's one of them right there. If you need people to like you and you get really anxious or Unsettled. If someone might not like you or might be upset with you. And it really disturbs you. You maybe have a hard time sleeping, you have a hard time eating, you're anxious, you can't stop thinking about it. You feel this compulsive need, like, I gotta fix it. You know what I'm talking about, right? And look, that might happen in certain dynamics, certain relationships. Of course you might care if you're your lover or your partner or something and there's a fight between you two. But what we're looking at here is your ability to come to your own center. And what I've seen time and time again in overly nice clients is that they don't have that center. They don't have access to that center. They're too focused on what does everyone else want, whatever does everyone else think. And the way that I capture this as I talk about it, you're not living in your reality. An example of a client who's in a dating relationship and considering ending it. And he's been considering ending it for maybe as long as he's been in it. I don't know, maybe he's been dating for four or five months. And young guy, amazing. It's just been a really good, really beautiful. To watch him thrive in my mastermind program and break out of some pretty strong social anxiety and guilt and self judgment. Now he's putting himself out there more and making friendships and dating. And it's awesome to watch. And he starts dating and then he gets into a relationship and you just kind of hear how it unfolds. And I've seen this work, I've been doing this work for so many years. I've seen clients through so many different stages of this that I can kind of predict how it's going to go. But he needs to go through this. It's the learning process. So I don't short circuit it, I let it unfold. But basically, as he starts to get into the relationship, as soon as they start dating, she's kind of like, so we're together now, right? And he's like, oh, no. And he's not sure. And is he not sure or is he not necessarily wanting that? But to say, hey, I'm not necessarily wanting that kind of relationship, but I want this instead, that feels scary. And it can feel scary for two reasons. One, you could be a bad person because you're not nice and you're saying what you want instead of what the other person might want. And if there's a disconnect between what you want and what the other person wants, then you feel bad. Look at that. Do you think that might be problematic? Is that dynamic problematic for close relationships? It certainly was for me. And it was one of the biggest reasons why I failed at having any sort of deep, lasting romantic relationship. So I went through my phase of social anxiety where I just couldn't talk to women, couldn't ask them out, broke through that and was able to start interacting with women dating. But I was unable to create deep, lasting relationships. I thought it was because I was broken. Truly, I thought my intimacy capacities were broken. But the truth was I just was too nice. I had no idea about any of this stuff. And so I couldn't say, oh, I'm not looking for that, or I want this instead, or just being totally clear. And even the idea of being that clear about this is what I want and this is what I'm going to ask for. I'm going to say no to that and ask for this. Not only did I not know what it was, what I wanted, I didn't let myself discover what I wanted because I felt so bad as a person for even asking that question. I had so many rules about what a good human would be like and how selfless I would be and how I should make every woman that I was with feel like I loved her for eternity. Even if that wasn't true, even if I just met her and as our second date, I'm supposed to make her feel amazing. Why? Well, this is where it gets even more interesting. Remember I talked about niceness being about a fear pattern that's rooted in anxiety. And there's the fear of being a bad person, but really underneath all of it is the fear of attachment or lack of attachment, lack of bonding. I'm going to be alone, I'm going to be abandoned, I'm going to be ostracized. I'm not going to get love and connection. And so I'm going to be this way so that I can get love and connection. So I wired up, hey, if I can make a woman feel like she's, I think she's the most amazing thing in the world, then of course she's going to like me more, right, Than if I were like, hey, I'm not interested in this kind of relationship, but I want something else. She might say, well, buzz off, buddy. And I didn't want that. Because a nice person, an overly nice person, does not feel solid in their center. And so the idea of you leaving me, you not liking me, or even you just being upset with me and perceiving something different than me and us having some tension or friction there, maybe a bumping of heads or a differing of opinions, even that is too threatening or unsettling for me because I fear it's gonna lead to loss or abandonment. And so now I'm gonna play this role so that you like me. And I played that role in dating. And you might have a role that you play with your parents or with your husband or your wife. You might have a role that you play with your colleagues. You know, I saw this when I was in graduate school training. You know, there's like this. This sort of role that you can see people putting on almost like a jacket or a suit or something. And you put on this role and all these young graduate students in clinical psychology at Stanford and Palo Alto University, and everyone's trying on, like, I'm going to use empirically supported treatment language, and I'm going to talk like this. And there's nothing wrong with it, but they're putting on the role to try to be that way. Now we're playing roles all the time, right? You know, and the roles are not inherently bad. The problem becomes when you think that I have to play this role by these rules or else I'm a bad person, and you don't examine it, and you're just controlled by it, and some of those rules are strangling you, right? Like the example that in the role of dating, I have to make every woman that I date feel like she's the most amazing human that I love. Beyond, you know, beyond beyond. So she feels good. Can you see how that could actually be problematic and actually not be serving either me or her? Why? Because it's deception. It's falsehood. It is not real. And so maybe she feels good for a minute, but it's not on any real foundation. And then as soon as I stop pretending, which I had to do after a short enough period of time, I mean, how long can you sustain that? And then what would I do? I would just leave. I would end the relationship after, like, four weeks, six weeks. And then she'd be like, what the. Like, she'd be hurt and upset and like, wait a minute, you know, that wasn't real. It was not pretty. The nice. The wreckage that the nice person leaves is not pretty. And you might try. And I've seen this again and again and again and again. Here's another really small, simple example. Outside of dating, someone's like, hey, do you want to go do this? Thing on Saturday. And you know in that moment in your gut that, no, I don't want to do that thing. And the reason you don't want to do a thing is because you never even like that thing. You don't want to go do that activity. It doesn't sound interesting to you at all. Then you say, oh, maybe let me check my calendar. I'll get back to you. Let's say the thing is on Saturday, and the person asks you on Monday, and you say, well, let me get back to you. And then you think about it, and you're like, I don't want to go, but I should go. Because they like it and they do stuff that I like and I should. But you can't get yourself to say yes because you don't really want to go. You put it off, and now they ask you, come Wednesday. Hey, we're trying to finalize the numbers. Are you coming or not? And you see how already it's kind of annoying to the other person because now they got to kind of follow up with you and herd you like a cat. And then all of a sudden, Thursday comes, and you're like, fine, fine. You kind of talk yourself into it. I'll go. I'll go. I don't want to, but I'll do it. And I should. If you're really nice, you might even convince yourself that you do want to do it. And then you go, no, you don't go. Come Saturday morning, you're just like, I can't do it. And then this comes up in one of two ways. One, you literally just feel this, like, aversion. Like, I just can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. And so you message them and say, hey, I'm not feeling well. Sorry. Like, isn't that. Isn't that annoying? Isn't that annoying? Wouldn't it just be better on Monday to say, hey, thanks for the invitation? You know, paintball's not really my thing, but I'd love to hang out with you and do something else. How about we go to a movie next Friday? Right? Like, that's smooth, it's clean, it's direct. Just like, if someone's like, hey, so are we together now that we've been on three dates? Like, you know, I really am enjoying spending time with you. I may turn into that. I don't feel like I'm at that pace as faster than where I'm at right now. But let's just take it slow and see where we're at in this moment. Hey, you want to hang out on Saturday? Like, boom. Like, the smallest little bits of assertiveness early on can remove so much of this nice person wreckage. So this brings me back to my question. Are you too nice? Do you feel this anxiety inside about needing to please people and needing approval of people and worrying about if you're gonna upset people and am I okay, and I'm not okay if someone is upset with me. And so it makes it very hard to disagree with others, to say no to others, to assert yourself, to ask for what you want to live in your own reality. And this may be everywhere in your life in all relationships. This might be localized to certain areas, like, oh, I'm really not a super nice guy in dating, or I'm a really nice girl when it comes to the workplace, and I'm real quiet and sort of polite. And there may be pressures that have taught you this. You might have learned this growing up. There might have been, like, some certain pressures based upon your gender or your particular group or religious persuasions. All these things that might have created a cultural field that you were in then when you were younger and you might be in now. That's saying, yeah, you follow those rules, you keep being a nice person and keep being a good person. And this can make it very hard to break free because it's not like everyone around you is cheering you on, saying, yeah, yeah, you do. You. You be more real. We love that. You know, you might actually get people. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Speaking up for yourself. You don't do that. You stay in that little box. That's where we like you. And they might, you know, they might be pressuring or intimidating, but they might also just be like, it's the worst when it comes to, like, family or something. It's like, we're concerned for you. We just, you know, noticed you've been acting a little differently lately. And, you know, we love you. We're concerned for you. That one's a mind F, isn't it? It's like, okay, but I'm just, like, pursuing something that feels meaningful to me. Yeah, but that's the wrong thing. That's the wrong meaning. We know what's right for you. So, you know, if you resonate with this and you feel like, wow, I am being too nice, and you've already known that. Maybe you've already read my book not nice. I'm going to invite you to join me for three days in March that are going to be absolutely life changing. It's the first time we run this event, and I am supercharged about doing this. And I think you're going to find it to be profound. It's going to be not just intellectual learning, but actually rewiring your entire mind and emotions, your whole nervous system, to feel differently about speaking up, about being real, about saying no, about being on your own side and more direct with people. And this is something that we have to build. We have to create a new culture, which is what we're going to do in the virtual room there. A new culture that gives you permission to do these things. Then you're going to practice these things again and again and again until they become part of who you are. So if you're interested in that, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and click under this episode or go to drazeez.com, click on Events. Again, I mentioned it's the super early bird right now. So now is the time. And speaking of time for something, you know what it's time for? Time for action. Action. Action. Time for action. Okay, so here's what I want you to do. I want you to become more familiar with that, the rules and that voice that's kind of pushing you and prodding you. So the next time you feel maybe unsettled, if someone's upset with you or even, you know, you don't even do the thing that might make someone upset, you're just kind of holding yourself back because you're scared. Slow down and get really curious and say, what is the story here? What is the rule that I'm telling myself that I'm bad for breaking or I'm scared of breaks. I shouldn't even break it. So, for example, and the dating example I mentioned earlier in this episode, if the client were to say, hey, this feels like it's moving a little fast and I'm enjoying this and I want to spend more time with you. And I'm not ready to settle down into a monogamous relationship right now. I want to keep connecting and just see how things unfold over these next couple months. If he's feeling afraid of doing that, don't just be like, oh, it's so scary. I better not do it. Slow down and say, what is the rule there? What's the story there? Does it say, I shouldn't upset anybody, I shouldn't disappoint her, I shouldn't. It's bad for me to say what I want. Like, what is the rule that's causing that fear or that anxiety. That's your action step, because that insight will give you liberation. And I can't wait to speak with you in the next episode and perhaps a not nice live. So go check out that event until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming Shyness and incredible increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.