Ask The Shrink: What If I'm Not A Confident Person?

And now it's time to ask the Shrink. Welcome to today's bonus episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is an Ask the Shrink. And the question is something I got recently, but I get this one all the time. And it comes in many different forms. But the essence of the question is this, what if I'm not a confident person? And this one recently came in from an email. Someone said, okay, I've been reading this and I'm working on that, but what if I'm not a confident person? And sometimes we don't ask it directly like that, but we think that that's the way it captures a certain mindset or perception. And so I'm very excited to answer this one today. And I want to remind you that right now we're doing the super early bird for the online live event, the Ultimate Confidence Breakthrough, which is all about helping you become a, quote, confident person, whatever that is, as if it's just one thing that you are. It's actually being able to activate the muscle, the skill, the practice of confidence when you need it most. That's what we're getting together to do for three days. And it's online, it's virtual. You can do it from home. So there's really no reason not to, is there? What would be the downside of investing in yourself in this way? You don't have to fly, you don't have to travel. You could be in your own couch and you could be growing significantly during this time instead of putting your life totally on hold. So if you want to go further with me, over the course of three deep dive days, it's going to be July 24th through 26th, and it's going to be virtual on Zoom. Then go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and look at this episode. There'll be a link for it as well. And you could also go to my website, draziz-r a z I z.com and go to the Events tab. And there you could find it. And during the super early bird, it is just $97. I want to make this accessible to anyone in the world, no matter where you are. I believe if you're really committed to your own growth, to beginning the life that you want, the confidence that you want, that you'll find a way to make $97 work. I want to make this as accessible as possible. There's no travel fees, there's no hotel fees, nothing. Let's do this. If you're wondering how much can we transform and change online? Oh, my Goodness, you should have seen the last live event we did. The supremely confident conversation master. Extremely powerful. If you were at that one, then I invite you to come back to this one. More repetition, more immersion, equals more of a shift into you becoming that confident person. So let's talk about that right now. First things first. It's based upon the myth that confidence is an inborn trait. And this is a deep story. It's an old story that we keep coming back to unconsciously. We tend to see the world as people have a trait or they don't. You know, whether it's confidence or musical ability or being good at something, anything, it's like, well, they were born that way and they weren't. They really weren't. Now there are qualities that we might have, things that make us tend toward things coming easier to us. So some people are more kinesthetic, they can pick things up more quickly with their body. Some people are more math oriented, they can pick up math a little quicker. Some people are a little more linguistic, they speak a little earlier. When they're younger, they can pick up words more quickly, all that stuff. Yes, yes. There's differences in our, in our abilities, tendencies, what we're drawn towards, what we're naturally good at. Of course, I'm not denying that. However, confidence, which is the belief in oneself, knowing of one's value, feeling like you're capable, like you are worthy, these are not traits. These are things that we develop. These are things that are conditioned. And I don't care who that person is. And I've talked to a lot of people about confidence. No one is born with it. No one is like, yeah, I was born confident. What's the movie? Pop Star, if you've seen that one. If you haven't, I highly recommend you watch Pop Star with Andy Samberg and the crew from they call Lonely Island. Is that the name? Yeah. Anyway, it's a full length movie. It's fantastic. But in there, in the very beginning, he's like telling his story and he's like, where do I begin? Ever since I was born, I was dope. So maybe he was born with confidence, the rest of us were not. And most people that I've talked to in depth about this who are honest with me will reveal the same thing, which is, yeah, I had to learn this. So let's start with that. Confidence is a skill. Can you see that? Can you see the truth of that? And if that's the case, then let me ask you a few key questions here. Number one is when do you feel confident? Where are you already confident? Some area in your life? I'm sure you are. Is it when you're at your desk, when you're working on something, a certain kind of project in your work, you feel like, yeah, I got this. Is it during some sort of hobby or activity When I was younger, you know, when I was confident? I was confident during Warcraft 3. That's right, because I studied the shit out of it and I knew all the strategies and there was guys that were still way better than me, but I still felt confident in my abilities. So it doesn't matter whether it's something productive or something that you value is worthy or good enough. Just where do you naturally feel confident? What are you doing? Who are you around? Maybe by yourself? Maybe it's a certain sport, certain athletics, certain skills. Maybe just like when you're going out for a hike, it's not even necessarily like you're performing at something. It's just a certain environment, a certain activity. What kinds of activities do you feel confident in? Just see what comes to your mind. Now I'm imagining. At least one thing comes to mind now. If you say nothing, Aziz, nowhere do I feel confident. I'm the most unconfident person on the planet. It's like, well, that is probably selective focus. You're probably deleting the place that you might feel confident in. And the question is, what's the payoff for seeing yourself as totally 100% incapable and not confident anywhere? Even though everyone else in the world could at least find one place they're confident, but you can't? What's the payoff for that? Sometimes there's a sense of significance we get from being the most messed up person in the world. I had someone recently reach out to me and say, I forget the exact wording, but it was something to the effect of like, I am more messed up. I am the most messed up of anyone that you would have ever worked with. And first of all, I was like, well, I'm probably not going to want to work with you because I'm hearing a lot of needs for significance in there. So we're actually working together, but this is an email where you ask me some things. Secondly, do you hear something there like, I am the most. I am the best. I'm the best at being the worst. Yeah, we'll get significance wherever we can. If we can't get significance by performing, by achieving, by contributing, by doing the things that might make us feel good, we'll get it from whatever being the most. Some people get significance by having the most piercings, by having the most negative marks on their record. The most detentions. I'm a badass. I got the most detentions. And some people get significance by being the worst and the most unhelpful. So if you're noticing there's some part of you that's doing that, hmm? What's the payoff for that? So another question I have for you, okay, you got this area where you're confident. How did you get confident in that area? Why are you confident in that area? Just be curious. Explore that. I wonder why, huh? What did I do to get here? How did I create that? How did I create that confidence? It's a powerful question to ask yourself, because if you created it there, you just might be able to create it somewhere else. Other question for you. What do you do to take your confidence away from yourself in other areas? How do you take it away? These are important things to know. What rules do you have that make it hard or even impossible for you to feel confident for very long? Many people have a whole set of rules in their head that makes it next to impossible to feel confident for more than a few minutes, if that. These are valuable questions to reflect on, to come up with answers. Here's the truth. Confidence is a byproduct. Confidence is a byproduct of action. I guarantee you whatever you feel confident in, you've probably taken a lot of action in that area, a lot of repetition, a lot of understanding of what's going on. Confidence also is a byproduct of courage and vulnerability. Courage is when you take action, when you do something, even though you're afraid, even though you're uncertain, even though the outcome is uncertain. So you might have confidence because you've done something a million times, but what if it's something new? What if you're not sure how it's gonna go? Well, if your confidence only comes from competence, only comes from having done something a million times, then you can't learn anything new. You can't try anything new. You can't change in any way. So that's not gonna work. We also need courage and then vulnerability. That comes from being open, transparent, real, raw, authentic, letting others know you, letting others see you, and seeing others deeply. These are the things. If you do these things, you will build confidence. I've seen this. This is a formula. I've been studying this a long time and running a lot of people through this formula over years, like training, creating environments where we train this and watching the results and the result is confidence. So notice if your mind catches, you know, catch it. If your mind goes into that story that says confidence. You know what? If I'm not a confidence person, I can't do this. I'll always be this way and know that it's not true. You could even say like, yep, sometimes it seems like it's never going to change and you're talking to that part of you that feels helpless and hopeless and it's never going to work. I get it. I have that part too. With something I'm struggling with here and there or some challenge that reoccurs and it's like, oh, this is never going to go away. You just want to smile at that part and say, I hear you. Yep. The truth is that if you don't have the confidence that you want, then you haven't done the practices sustainably to create the confidence that you want. That one's so important. I'm gonna say it again. The truth is if you don't have the confidence that you want in any area of your life, that's because you haven't done the practices consistently enough to create the confidence in that area. Whether it's your dating life, your work life, assertiveness, you might say, no, that's not true. Aziz, I've done everything. I doubt that. I doubt that. You've probably done the same four things a bunch and you've probably avoided the most uncomfortable and probably the most results producing pathways to confidence. And there's nothing wrong with you for that. That's a human thing. If we're on our own, if we're trying to just do self reflection, we don't have anyone holding us accountable, we don't have anyone pushing us or guiding us or stretching us, then we'll kind of settle to a comfortable growth rate in which we don't really. We're not really practicing courage or vulnerability or action at the levels that we could. We're doing it at a lesser rate and say, no, I'm working on it. It's good. I'll get there in about 15 to 17 years. But I'm not really a confident person anyway, so I'll probably never get there. But at least I'm quote, working on it. And if I'm speaking your language right now, that feels like something you're resonating with, that you haven't made the results or gotten the results, made the progress that you want at the speed that you want. Because the game that I'm playing is liberation, not let's try to get a little bit more free. Maybe. I think it's working like the supplement that you're taking. I think it's helpful. I guess I'll keep taking it. No. Let's go for liberation. Total freedom. So I'll give you one more invitation to join me for the ultimate confidence breakthrough in July 24 through 26. Let's get free. Let's freaking liberate ourselves. As you're listening to this. How long have you been listening to my podcast? And if you want to feel more charged, more free, trust me, just imagine this being the first 20 minutes of three days together, going deep, practicing these things, not just with me, but with a whole group of people who are just like you. The results can be powerful. So go to draziZ-R-A z I z.com and go to the Events tab and click on the Ultimate Confidence Breakthrough. Get yourself the super early bird of $97. Can't beat that. And I can't wait to spend three days with you. But until then, before then, I'll be seeing you in the next episode. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Sa.