Become Doubtless - How To Believe In Yourself And Trust In Life

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be looking at how you can become Doubtless. And that's really a state or a way of being in which you fully believe in yourself and trust in life. And that might sound like two different things, but you're going to see over the course of this episode how they're actually one in the same. And I'm especially excited about this I because my book of the same title, Doubtless is coming out today. The Kindle and paperback versions are available on Amazon.com below this episode in the description we'll have a link to it. And also if you go to my website, draziz.com will have a banner there where you can click directly and go get your copy of the book. And if you have read my other books, I think you're absolutely going to love this one. It's such a beautiful blend of both confidence, that self confidence to believe in yourself and also something much bigger which is trusting in life, which we'll be talking about. If you notice a slight difference in the quality of my audio today, that's because I'm recording this in a bunker. No, I'm actually recording a different place in my house. My office is out of commission. Our power went out late last night. Big windstorm here in the woods and, and our street doesn't have power. But we're out. We're a little dinky road out in the country and there's a lot of other places in the larger metro area around here that don't have power. In fact, I'm looking out a window right now and I see a downed tree out in the woods. Okay, some firewood there. But in any case, I'm recording this from a different place. And so the acoustics are a little different, but hopefully you can hear me just fine. And that shouldn't get in the way of the content and the message, which is you becoming Doubtless. So let's first define that state. Right. Doubtless it's a bit dramatic. I like it. And it's the opposite of doubtful. Full of doubt. Right. And let's clarify what doubt is because sometimes people hear doubt and they think, wait, isn't doubt healthy sometimes? Shouldn't we Be doubtful of, you know, a suspicious person or someone's motives or something. And so really what I'm talking about here when I talk about doubtless is we're, we're free from the influence of self doubt. Now self doubt is very different than questioning or being suspicious of somebody or someone's motives or something. Self doubt is a chronic pattern of undermining trust in yourself and life. And it might sound very reasonable. We'll get into the operatives in just a second. Might sound very reasonable. But actually what's happening underneath is a permanent protective strategy like a guard. In fact, the first part of the book is called on guard. And it's the ways that we create this protection. It's usually born out of pain. I tell some stories in my own life and I'm sure you have many in your life where we have pain and then out of that comes some sort of desire to protect ourselves. Usually the protection is not consciously chosen, maybe not even that skillful. And we create some sort of armor, right? So you know, someone we feel hurt when we're young, could be by a family member, a sibling rejection at school, right? And the way that we protect ourselves is maybe through a decision or a rule that we come to. Like don't ever open up to people again, or don't ever sing because you'll get laughed at. Or don't express yourself in this way cause you look like a fool and people judge you. Or don't do this cause then dad gets mad at you, right? And we come up with a rule, we come up with a restriction and there's like an armor inside and that armor which might protect us in that original environment. Maybe you get a little harder or more withdrawn at school and you fly under the radar or you can handle those bullies better or whatever. But now it's 20 years later, 45 years later, and that armor has become a more and more restrictive cage, right? Because that suit of armor you put on when you were 7 or 12 or 15 or maybe multiple suits as you grew in these different ages, and now you're 30, 40, 50, whatever, and that arm is pretty tight. You've grown, or you've wanted to grow, tried to grow, but if you've not been able to grow in the ways that you want, not been able to experience the level of connection, authenticity, social confidence, freedom, love that you want, that's in large part due to that armor. And that self doubt is the primary form that that armor takes, the primary pattern that's reinforcing the armor. It's the protective pattern that becomes the armor. Does that make sense? Are you with me? Okay, so that's the doubt that we're liberating ourselves from. That's what being doubtless is. That doubt has no power to stop you from being who you really are in the world. It's a classic liberation tale, right? From slavery to freedom. So how does doubt operate? But one of the most common patterns it has is a form of dismissing your. You essentially. Right. Your perspective, your desires, your dreams, the ways you want to show up in the world, all of that. It dismisses that. And it could do that in a, in a mocking way, like, ooh, you want to write something. Ooh, you want to create something. Who do you think you are? Or the cousin of who do you think they are? Which is what would they think of? Oh, what would Uncle Larry think? Uncle Larry would think it was dumb. Well, I guess it's dumb. Better not try it. Right? And these things happen so quick that we just. Oof, instantly, they just feel true because they've been familiar for decades. Another way that the doubt might show up is it's not necessarily totally mocking and dismissive, but it's just kind of reasonable. Yeah, you want to go try something new, put yourself out there, and this could be a real risk in terms of a business thing or going for a new job or creating your own business or consulting or whatever. See that Often people that I work with that have. Want to build their confidence in their career, but it could also be something that's a little bit more minor in terms of it's not a high stakes thing, but it might be emotionally a risk. Right. Like, oh, I want to try to get more fit in this area or train for this marathon or 10k or whatever I want to do or, you know, and that's not super high stakes in the sense that you, you know, you're not going to end up in the, on the streets if you don't run this marathon. But it can feel very emotionally risky because it might be. And I know this from my own personal experience, it might be challenging. An old identity of I'm not a fit person or I'm not capable or I'm not athletic. Right. And then there's everything in between, all of it. We can, the doubt can delay it by just being reasonable. Yeah. You know, that sounds pretty. Yeah. Maybe, maybe we should. Yeah. But not now. Later. Later. Right. And it's so reasonable. We're like, we're kind of lulled into sleep. Like, okay, well, makes a good Point, I don't want to be unreasonable now. And man, sometimes there's a time to be unreasonable. In fact, extraordinary requires unreasonable. They're mutually exclusive. You can't have an extraordinary, any quality of life, an extraordinary career, extraordinary health, extraordinary love, extraordinary social life and have it be very reasonable. The steps to create extraordinary are unreasonable. Maybe you can't understand them or you can't explain them to others, or you don't have to explain them. It's life moving through you. This was a huge bottleneck for me for many, many, many years was I needed to understand everything, understand. And if I didn't understand something, I was kind of threatened by it, right? And this is another limiter. And so, and I would do this with everything. So maybe I'd, you know, many years I spent just very in my head, very closed off from my own body and my own feelings, right? And then as I started to grow and realize, oh, relating to others and intimacy and connection requires feeling. What, what, what is this sensation in my chest with. Is this liquid substance releasing from my eyes? What's happening to me? I'm leaking, I'm leaking fluid, right? I was just kind of, it was so foreign to me. But then here I am, you know, I'm studying clinical psychology. I'd say, well, how does that compute? Well, there's a lot of people that go into psychology that remain very locked away in the ivory tower of their own head and don't feel. They're not very soulful, very intellectual. And that's how I did it. And for me it was like, well, I'm just going to defeat all my feelings. So I got to understand what I'm feeling and I got to know the right tool to fix what I'm feeling. And that's how I did. I was kind of like this mechanic, constantly trying to tinker and control my inner state and the outer world. And that is the essence of this kind of self doubt that I'm talking about. It wants to control. It wants to control because being out of control feels very scary or threatening. That's where the pain came from. It thinks. So we need to try to control everything in life. As you might see, we're destined to fail with this attempt because we don't control much of anything in life. We don't even control our own feelings directly. We don't control how other people respond. We can control how we show up to a degree, and some actions we take to a degree. And, and then everything else is, well, it's life moving through you and Me. And that could be terrible and threatening, or that could be the most liberating, beautiful thing that opens up a whole new chapter of your life. And that's my intention for this book, is that it opens up a whole new chapter for you to live more fully as yourself. And then something really started to shift for me when I realized, oh, trying to understand everything is another bottleneck. Because if I have to understand it, then I have to have a rational. It's almost like I have to make a case. So to be angry, I have to understand why I'm angry and make a case as to why I'm angry. If I feel called to do something in my work life, in my personal life, and with my time, with my life force where I want to direct this one precious day that I know I'm here for, I don't know how many more I got. And it's almost like, well, you got to have a big, long list of justifications. You have to understand why you're doing everything that you're doing. So when I really saw that something else started to open up because that I could just feel that it was like this. You're trying to take this massive cosmos and you and this beautiful, complex, amazing miracle of a being that you are, you know, an animal with base functions and eating and sleeping and pooping, and also with a heart with love and inexplicable pulls of attraction and meaning and with something bigger, right? With, like, a spirit, with a soul, with something you're here to do, with something that feels very unique to you, like a signature, essential way of being. And the more you're on track with that, the better your life feels, the more energy you. And the more off track of that you are, the worse you feel. This is where authenticity comes in. And so if you need to understand everything, you won't let yourself take the next step. First of all, you won't let yourself feel anything because you can't explain it. And then you also won't let yourself take the next step. And so many. I can't tell you, some of the best days of my life were not because I achieved the thing and got the prize or someone appraised me or I made a bunch of money for whatever the best days of my life were when I let my wet life move through me fully without needing to understand it. And maybe I did something that I totally didn't predict I would do that day. Maybe I spent two hours writing and working on a project that didn't feel like it was even I didn't even think I was going to work on it that day. And it certainly didn't feel like it was monetarily productive, but it was creative and I felt fully alive or playing cards with my wife and boys over dinner and just laughing in the moment. And you know, I can't necessarily explain or understand why I needed to do that instead of, you know, some other productive thing or working out or whatever, but that's just what I chose to do. It felt right. Right. That's what I'm talking about. So this requires trusting in yourself and life, which is the opposite of the doubtful state, the self doubting state. It's the doubtless state. And that's what we want to build your capacity. And I really think of this not as like a light switch that you turn on. Oh, I believe in myself. Ha. I read a little meme poster on Instagram and now I feel so full of belief in myself. It totally worked. The kitten. The kitten was just hanging on to that telephone wire, really. Such determination. He believes in himself. So can I, right? It doesn't work that way. It's not a light switch. It's not this automatic thing that someone just does to you. It's something that you discover and build and cultivate and strengthen in yourself. It's like a mixture between a muscle and a garden, right? Because you're doing things to support the development of the belief in yourself and the trust in life, but you're also not just, you know, constructing it like a, like a garden bed or something. You're. There's a, There's a magical process of the miracle, right, of life. Like you plant some seeds in the ground and you put them the right conditions. And the next thing you know, you have this beautiful life form growing out of the earth. You're not making that happen, you're allowing it to happen. And that's how belief in yourself and trust in life unfolds for you. But you have to start having the fertile conditions to allow that. And so what the process is and what I lay out in the book is you got to understand how you, the guard that you created, the armoring, that's part one. And then part two is you really see the way that doubt hooks you. And this is really important because there could be literally one or two moves. Think of it as like chess or something. There's a certain move that someone does against you or any game that you like to play, and you just don't know how to deal with that move. And if you don't you'll lose to it every time. This could be in tennis, it could be basketball, anything. Just like, oh, every time they do that, I guess they just score on me. I don't know what to do. It's unbeatable, right? And it's not unbeatable. It's just you don't know how to deal with it. Right? And so that's exactly doubt. We'll just try to undercut you with something. And so you're going to learn the way I call it, I refer to as the doubt operatives in the book. These different. I shared a few of them here, right? Like to be reasonable guy and that sort of thing. So you'll learn a lot more about that now. You have the tools to combat it. And then we start building your capacity to believe in yourself, right? Because this is the foundation. I think it was like a concentric circle, right? There's this inner circle that's you. Here I am. This being name, disease, whatever your name is running around. We're doing stuff. I have an ego, I have a desires, I have what feels like things. I'm called to do and create. And I have preferences. And I'm also working with a lot of conditions that are, you know, just the hand I was dealt, right? What happens with this body? And I don't just mean like genetic determinism where if you're, you know, you're gonna get whatever your parents had. I mean, I believe there's a lot of patterns we have to. To create more vitality and health, mental health in our lives, depending on how we live. But there's also stuff that's just going to happen to you, man. Right? Injuries and illnesses and stuff that happens from aging. It's like, that's inevitable for all of us. So how do you believe in yourself when we don't have total control? We don't have control of the outcomes. And yet we desire things in this world and we want to move towards them and feel called to create them. And it's such a vulnerable thing. And so many people don't deal with that uncertainty and that vulnerability very well. They just shut down. They shut down on their goals and dreams. They say, what's the point? They come up with a story. I could never have that. Maybe because it's me, I suck. I'm not good enough. Some old outdated identity. Or maybe it's out there. Oh, those people are preventing me. Or, oh, women are like this. Men are like this. That's why marriage doesn't work. Whatever their stories are from the past and the pain and the armoring. And so in that third part of the book, we slice through those stories and help you tap into the core drivers of what you want to create. If you believed in yourself and helping you access a sense of personal power to move forward and how you find the fuel to move forward, even when you don't know the outcome, even when you don't have a guarantee of the outcome and why you'd still want to go for it anyway. And it's not separate from the larger question of how you relate to life and trust in life, because that's part of it, right? If you approach life with this almost entitled, or maybe I think of it as a less mature sense of like, you give me what I want. Okay, right. That's kind of, you think about it. That's kind of like a less mature form of relating. That's what a baby does. Give me the milk, give me the toy, give me the thing or I'm gonna freak out on you, right? And the parents are flooded with enough oxytocin or obligation or both that they do what they're supposed to do. They feel they're like biologically programmed to take care of this little crying thing, right? So if you have kids, you know what I'm talking about? But then the child matures and we teach them how to become more collaborative and less essentially demanding, right? And so for if you're with a 30 year old and they're like, give me the thing or I'm gonna freak out on you, right? You're like, whoa, that's okay in a one year old and a 30 year old something. This is get away, right? And so while we might mature with other people and know how to hide those parts or that demanding or maybe we've grown and we don't demand in the same way. We can still do that with life. And it's like, I think it was like an arms crossed stance and it's like, okay, I'm only gonna go for it if you give me what I want. All right? And the only person who misses out and loses in that situation is you. You're not holding something over on life. You're not like, haha, I show you now take that universe, Right? And then there you are sitting alone in your apartment. It didn't work, right? Because that's. And this is not a moral thing. This book's not about certain religions and how you're supposed to think. It's just what's effective, what really liberates you to Live the most full life. And I realize just believing in yourself and I'm going to go make it happen. That personal empowerment, personal power stuff has a limit on it. I talked about this in the last episode, right? The self confidence ceiling. So we need something else. We need something more, something greater. And that's what the whole fourth part of the book is about. Opening to life. And that's you finding your connection, your relationship with this broader, unseen force in a way that really works for you, not just theoretical or some spiritual teaching. You, like, feel good for a minute while you listen to it and say, oh, that's great. And then you go back and it's like, all right. That was. That felt nice when I heard this person talking about it. But now it's like, f you, life, let's go. It's battle time. It's Monday morning, right? And we were in this antagonistic relationship. We see life as withholding or threatening or all kinds of things that can really cause us a lot of fear. And this was a big area of growth for me. That's why this book took me so long to write. This is this fourth part. I knew that I could see how doubt was operating and studying in myself and clients, I could work on the self belief side of things. I've been doing that for years. But the really trusting and opening to life, there's a lot of growth, a lot of learning how to do it, how to surrender. What am I surrendering to? This is fundamental, deep pain and mistrust. Because there's an awareness that pain is a coming, right? In good ways or bad. Right. It's like you could have the pain of loneliness or you could have a beautiful relationship and love more than you ever thought possible. And then you have the pain of loss when that person gets sick or dies. Damn right. And so I had this layer of armor because I basically was not wanting to fully engage in the game. Not on the most subtle level of like, I'm not going to get out of my room. I'm not going to take risks. No, I learned to be bold. And in life, boldness is rewarded and cowardice is ignored. So I taught for years at workshops and in my books. And I would go out there and take a lot of action in the world, but underneath there'd be this fundamental mistrust, like, life's going to hurt me and it's going to take. How much are you going to take from me? And so really finding your philosophies, your way to be with that, not in fear and not in denial, but in an actual open hearted way of living fully. Now that's the invitation in that fourth part and I would love to share more about how to do that. In fact, depending on when you're listening to this, if you're listening to it today, when it's coming out, or maybe tomorrow, Thursday before the masterclass is happening. I'm doing a masterclass on Doubtless and I'm leaving that tomorrow on Thursday the December 18th at noon. If you're not on my web email list, join that. We'll also have a link directly to where to get the zoom link for the masterclass. You don't need to sign up, we'll just send you to a page where you can see where the zoom link is and at the time of the masterclass you can just click on that and join. If you're listening to this later, like a week later, a month later, and you're like dang, I missed it. Well, that's what you get. You got to stay current. Just put notifications on, listen to Aziz every time he comes out. No, we still got you depending upon when this is, you know, give us a little like a week or so because it's the holidays. But we'll get the recording of the masterclass available on the book website, which is becomedoubtless.com and by the way, if you get the book, all the bonus materials I reference in the book are@becomedoubtless.com as well. Well, so definitely check that out. I'm super excited to share this book with you and hear about your experience and this was definitely my favorite book so far to write and to create and to share with you and I cannot wait to hear how it impacts you. And as well as this, this episode, I hope this serve you in seeing a way to move through life with with less fear and doubt and more freedom to be 100% you in the world. All right, thanks for being with me today and check below for all the notes on where to access things. And until we speak again, you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.