26 Dec 2018 · 28 min
Dr. Aziz suggests picking a theme for 2019 like "on my own side" or "unconditional love," then pursuing it through massive action. The goal: surprise yourself by becoming someone your past self wouldn't recognize.
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Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Yo. Welcome to today's episode of the show and Happy New Year very soon. That's just coming up in a few days here. And that is a fantastic opportunity for us to focus in on the end of this year and into 2019. Now, a lot of people are cynical about New Year's, New Year's resolutions, the idea that you could change at all. People can be tend to be cynical about that. And I think that is very unfortunate. And I doubt that if you're listening to this podcast or read any of my books or anything, that I doubt that you are entirely cynical. I mean, maybe you have a skeptical part of you or you're unsure what's possible for you, but another part of you, the part that draws you to listen to me and hang out with me, is drawn because you hear the voice of possibility. And I don't live in a world of cynicism and things aren't possible and we can't Fuck that. I live in a world of, yes, I live in a world of I can create the reality that I want. I live in a world that I can radically shift things in my life quickly. And I live in that world because that's what I experienced. And I've lived in both worlds. I've lived in the things are the way they are, and it just sucks. And this is my genes or my upbringing or whatever. I haven't even thought about it that much. It just sucks. I've lived in that world and I've lived in the world of total ownership of I can steer my ship. No, I don't control everything that happens. I don't control the ocean, I don't control the weather, but I got the fucking steering wheel and I can turn that boat. And over time, I can guide my life in the directions that I want to. And I've done that systematically again and again and again. Starting the very beginning with dating. I want to be able to approach and create connections and have the dating life that I wanted. So I steered my life in that way. I was able to do that. And then I realized, like, wow, I want to have my confidence not just in dating, but around other people and socially and in groups. So I developed that. Now I want to have my confidence in public speaking and speaking up in larger groups and leading groups and teaching. And I did that. Now I want to have my confidence in my career to be able to be more of a leader, more of a thought leader, a speaker, put my voice out there in bigger ways and I did that. And then on and on. And if you listen to podcasts from 2018, some monumental shifts in my life around physical health and fitness and breaking through what I thought was an autoimmune condition that afflicted me for 20 years, that I was on medication for significant serious immunosuppressant medication for 15 years and liberated myself completely of that. Am on no medications now and just optimal health. Just ran a marathon earlier this fall and feeling fantastic. Loving what I can do with my body. Feeling healthy as shit. And it's awesome. So there's always another level. There's always something else that you can shift and break through. And this isn't. There's nothing special about me. It's just learning this from an early age from a source of honestly intense pain. I can't live another year like this, let alone another month, let alone another day. I have to do something. And that urgency created this. And then once I got a taste, though, ooh, then sculpting my life and making it more and more what I wanted became very compelling. And that's what I want for you. And the new year is a fantastic time to do that. So I want to bring you in to my world and have you share this with me that we want to make 2019 an amazing year. There's a few fun things we're going to do today to help you further that. And the first one is a theme. So I don't know. I've been doing this for years now. I come up with a theme for the year and usually the theme starts to percolate right around. I don't know, it just comes to me in the fall, like October, November. I just start thinking about what's the theme for this year. And last year the theme for me was to reside in my heart. And the year before that was permanent internal self worth. So this is separate from specific goals you might have in your health or in your business or in your Social life or whatever things you want to achieve, specific things you want to acquire or do or whatever. But it's just an overarching, like, what would be the biggest, most amazing thing for me to really change about how I approach life? So rewind a couple years. Permanent internal self worth. Like, man, that's a good one, right? Permanent internal self worth. And did I achieve that? No, I don't think I got totally. In fact, that's. We're going to get into what 2019 is. But I made incredible gains. And I was looking at all the things I could change in my life, all the things I want in my life. Nothing would be more valuable than to have a very stable sense of self worth that didn't fluctuate based upon if I reached a target or didn't or failed or succeeded or someone liked me or didn't. So I made that the focus the next year, which was this year, 2018, to reside in my heart. And what that means to me is to literally get out of my head. Even though I teach how to be more in our bodies and had been learning it for a long time, I realized I still had a long way to go. And I was like, I want to reside in my heart. And that means literally feel my body more, feel my heart more. Be able to be in my heart and not spin out into worry and the future and the past and just be in the present and be in feeling, be in sensation, be in intuition. And of course, what goes along with being in the heart is a capacity to open the heart. And so this year turned into what I would call very strong awakening of my heart. Because, you know, you can't reside in there if it's asleep. And seeing all the ways that my heart was closed down, it felt like a contracted kind of muscle or balloon that was very small and tight. And it's just been expanding month after month this year and generally was unpleasant. It was very uncomfortable at times to feel more in my heart. The reason I didn't reside in my heart for so many years is because I shut it down. I felt like I was too sensitive, too anxious, too whatever. I felt things too strongly. And at the beginning of the year, it was kind of like, okay, I'm gonna reside in my heart and then I'll feel things less, right? And it's actually like, no. What this year has been about is expanding my capacity to just feel things and not react to it, not freak out about it. And I'm curious as you're listening and reflecting on yourself, like what is your theme for 2018 been? Maybe you didn't consciously choose one at the beginning of the year, but if you look back at the year, what's been like a major overarching thing that you've come back to that you've been focusing on, that you've been wanting? You know, maybe it's your social confidence, maybe it's your love life, maybe it's treating yourself better, whether that means, you know, not being so hard on yourself or eliminating some addictive behavior. What has your theme for 2018 been? That'd be an interesting question for you to reflect on more, too, as you think about that after this episode. So picking a theme for the year is not a super heady exercise. It's not a listing out the pros and cons of the goals and action steps and all that. It's just an intuitive sense. What would bring the most value? What am I drawn to? What sounds amazing to me? And so there's multiple themes that started to arise for me in the fall, and here's a few of what I was considering. One was Omos on my own side, no matter what. And man, I've grown so much in being on my own side. But I realized I want to take it to the next level. Is it possible to be, like, truly 100% on my own side no matter what, where I never turn on myself. I never do things, whether it's direct self criticism or even indirect things like spook myself with anxious stories and stories of doubt and inadequacy and whatever. Any form of that where I'm not on my own side? Is it possible to shift all of that and be 100% on my own side? So when I started thinking about that, I was like, ooh, you like the sound of that one. Another one that came to me is unconditional love. And this might be a part of that. I mean, part of almost being on your own side no matter what, is being able to love yourself unconditionally. But I wanted to expand it beyond just me. What would it be like to love my kids unconditionally, to love my wife unconditionally? And I'd say I am a very loving person. I've grown in my capacity to give and receive love a lot over the last, well, 16 years. I've been working on my own growth, but especially being with Candace the last eight, and then having our boys in my life the last five years, that's all grown me like crazy. But I see the limits. I see the limits of my Love capacity, my capacity to give in certain situations or the ways that I get pouty or self pitying or oh, you didn't give me that. You didn't give me what I wanted. So now I'm going to be, you know, withhold love from you or one of my boys doing something that upsets me. And instead of coming from that love in that moment, I'm coming from like blame and anger, frustration. So what would it be like to grow into this over the year? Unconditional love. What would that be like? And as you start to think about these potential themes, because I'm imagining you're considering some of these themes in your own life, what would you like 2019 to be about? You don't have to figure it all out. You don't have to know what it is. It's just something that you're drawn to and it grows and changes over the year. It grows you. It's just a through line for the entire year. And it doesn't stop at the end of 2019. It's not like, well, I'm done being on my own side after 2019. I'm done loving people after 2019. Forget that. Go back to pushing people around. Right. So no, it just becomes a part of you, but maybe it's no longer your primary focus. So what's coming up for you? What would you like 2019 to be all about? Good. You'll have plenty more time to think about that after this episode. But if there's something coming to your mind right now, you might want to jot it down or you may want to just put it in your phone or a few notes here and there just to come back and think about it. Because I have been amazed at how much what I set as the intention really happens. And a tremendous amount can happen in your own growth for 2019. You know, another thing I've considered and I started working on already at the end of this year, but would really like to be more liberated from it, which is part of almost being on my own side, but is letting go of perfectionism, because that's one of the ways that I was turning on myself is demanding more subtle pressure and needing to do more, complete more, achieve more, give more, all that stuff. And so with this intention of unconditional love I was considering, I was like, well, I don't want it to be coming from perfectionism where it's like you got to give unconditionally better, more. That doesn't serve anyone. So starting with unconditional love of Myself and whatever I can give and however I show up. But really, shedding perfectionism is another thing. There's a lot that I'm sharing with you right now because these are still ones that I'm holding and considering saying, okay, what is it going to be for 2019? I usually just select one and of course those other things all happen and are related, but maybe you have multiple ideas that come to your mind and yet there's going to be one that's going to take the cake. So that's something that will be part of your action set for the end of this episode, something you can do more of later. Unless you already have your theme right now, and if so, just sit with it, you have a couple more days. Obviously you can change it anytime, but even in the first part of the year or two, this is not hard and fast here. But maybe you have a strong intuitive sense and you know what it is right now. In which case just go with that trust that let it be a beautiful form of inner guidance that's coming to you. I want to shift gears now so you can work on that more later into another fun thing for 2019, which is, what if this were the year that you blew your own mind? What? Blew my own mind? How? Well, here's what I was thinking the other day is if my, I don't know, 16 year old self met my 36 year old self, his mind would be blown. Because at 16, I don't think I had the highest aspirations and I certainly didn't think I'd be this awesome and I'd like myself this much and my life would be so cool. I just, I think, I don't think I had like a really super pessimistic, dismal sense of my future. Although I was feeling a lot of pain at that age, my chronic pain started at age 15. So I certainly would, my mind would be blown at the physical capability that I have now and relieved. Like, oh, I mean some blown mind is, you know, just surprised, relieved, excited, happy. That's what I'm talking about. Like that 16 year old version of me would be like, wow, this is amazing. You know, your body is so strong. Like my body's in pain right now. I can't talk to women. I feel like I'm a loser. I'm gonna be alone forever. I'm ugly, I have acne. And then, you know, he'd see the 36 year old version of me and be like, wow, you have an amazing wife and family and you're so much Love there. This is amazing. And so maybe you're already in that place right now. Maybe if you just looked back 20 years, that version of you would have his or her mind blown. And if so, give yourself some credit. Like, yeah, that's right. I am awesome. My life is good. I can feel grateful. You know, maybe there's this or that that you're working on or you want to improve this or get more of that, but overall, yeah, and that's really valuable because success builds on success and you feel grateful and proud of who you are and happy to be you. You're going to go out and do more of what you want and create a bigger impact or better relationships or improve people's lives more and earn more as a result or whatever it is that you want. So maybe you already would blow some younger version of your own mind. Whose mind are you blowing? Yours. Younger? I don't know the younger versions. This is like Time Cop. We're gonna get into some paradoxes here. In any case, if that's not where you're at right now and you'd be like, no, my 16 year old version or whatever your age 20 years ago, some younger version of me would kind of be like disappointed in me now or kind of nyeh. It's not terrible, it's not great, but it's all right. Good. Because what if by the end of 2019, you did blow that younger version of yours mind and then his mind was blown back then, which then affected your future mind in the time travel paradox? I don't know, you're probably not actually going to interact with it 16 year old version of you outside of your imagination. But do you get my point? Like why not go for that? Why not go and it's not about. The reason I love the blowing your own mind is because it's not about I'm gonna get something to impress others or be good enough or achieve these external extrinsic goals. The glamour and the glitz. Society tells me I should have more of X, Y and Z. It's about what would surprise and delight you. Maybe better than saying blowing your mind is just what would surprise and delight the 12 year old or the 15 year old or the 20 year old version of you to see where you're at now. And it's just a fascinating or new way to think about how do you want to create the life that you most want now? And yes you can in one year. And people might say, oh my God, the stories we have about how long this stuff takes it's just total fabrications. They're just made up. And yes, change takes time. Are you going to achieve everything you want? Are you going to radically increase your confidence and totally change your personality and become more of this and less of that and stop being a people pleaser and all this stuff in 11 months? I don't know, probably not. But you can grow like crazy. That's the trajectory I've seen as I looked at my own life and something. You make these leaps and bounds, but then you do look back a couple years later and you're like, holy wow, this is amazing. What's different in my life and how I feel? Little things and big things. I just had that conversation where I was just totally honest, or I just said no to that person. It was no big deal. And then big things like, wow, I'm in a new relationship or I'm in a new city, or my job's totally different, or I started my own business. These things can happen in a year and faster and sometimes they take longer. Maybe it's two years. But you can do an incredible amount in 2019 just by really wanting it. Desire is going to trump all strategy and specifics and worthiness. Just let go, man. If there's a huge favor you could do for yourself in 2019 is let go of the worthiness issue. Do I deserve it? Can I do it? Am I enough? Am I enough for a relationship? Am I good enough for a relationship, man? We just spent in my dating and relationship workshop, which we do in October, the fall of every year, that's all about helping people have unlimited confidence in themselves when it comes to dating and relationships and the whole first day. But really, one of the main themes of the entire event is focused on worthiness. Because if you don't think you're worthy of love and connection, you are sabotaging the shit out of yourself. You're going to have anxiety about approaching people. You're going to freak out when the texting goes back and forth. You're gonna, you know, they're not. You're not gonna be as open on dates. You're not gonna be boldly yourself. Everything's gonna go south when we don't have that sense of worthiness, of knowing I'm a lovable human just for who I am and I. So it's not even about deserving. It's just you're you and you can create what you want. You don't have to deserve it more. You don't have to be perfect. You. You don't have to have earned it and suffered. You can just take action and get results. And the more action you take, the more you pay attention to the feedback from that action that you're taking, the faster you're going to get results. Let me give you a quick example about this. There's a client I was working with who had spent, I don't know, 20, 30, a million years, decades and decades, never initiating a relationship. Women would occasionally approach him, or he'd get linked up with a friend, or they'd go on a. He'd be out with a friend and they'd meet up, somehow meet up with a woman, and then it all kind of just happened. Or then she. She would have to do some demonstration of like, yes, I want to go on a date with you, or text him or something. And then he's like, okay, I can. I can now. I know it's safe. You're not going to reject me. You do want to hang out with me. And so I will. And he created some relationships that way. He even was married for a time in his life. But, you know, now he was in his late 40s, and it was like, I've never done that, and I want to. I want to do that. I want to have that experience. And yet I never have, and maybe I can't, and I've never done it, so maybe I'm not capable of it. And story after story, and I just helped him shred all those and just be like, look, it's not about any of those things. It's about one thing. It's about being willing to face that rejection. And if you do, you will learn that ability and you'll be able to create relationships. Because he was great. I mean, he was socially able to connect and create rapport and be warm and engaging and interested and interesting. It was just that first initial reaction when he didn't know if he was going to be approved of, if he didn't know if his interest or his advance was going to be desired. And he was terrified of getting rejected. And so we worked through all the fears, all the stories, and it was just a matter of doing it. I said, you know, you can overcome this much more rapidly than you think. And so I encouraged him to do something that I would encourage you to do, which is if you've been stuck on something for a long time. I'm really scared to approach someone I'm attracted to. I'm really scared to speak up in meetings, really scared to go work on my own business on the side or I'm really scared to whatever. And maybe you've been avoiding it for years and thinking about maybe starting to try to do it and maybe, ah, this is so hard and it's been an issue for years. And when is I'm gonna be done with this thing? Ah, am I ever gonna be free of this and this long struggle with it? Then my suggestion for you and what's worked tremendously well for me and all the clients of mine that apply it, is massive action. Massive action. So instead of like, okay, maybe I'll work up the courage to talk to one person once. That's what I did. I just kind of dabbled in it. Still terrified. Oh, that didn't work. Oh, now I'm never going to try that again. Never gonna. We have this little part inside of us after, you know, we work up the courage to speak up or whatever, and then it goes south or we get rejected or whatever. And then part of us is like, I'm never gonna do that again. And it makes me think of my kids, you know, three years old, they're just like, never want to go to the zoo again. Or like, one takes the other one's toys, like, I'm never gonna play with you again. And it's just this, like, little part of us that throws this tantrum and then we don't do it. We don't face the fear again for months. Or you decide right now, perhaps as part of your action step, to take massive action. Go all in. So the turning point for me, you know, in the very beginning was dating and relationships. And it was like, okay, I'm gonna start moving towards women that I'm attracted to and start having conversations with them. I'll do it. At the time, I was at UC Santa Barbara College there. Okay, I'll start doing it in class. I'll start doing it on the lawn outside of the class. I'll start doing it in the downtown State street area, around the shops. I'll start doing it at restaurants, I'll start doing it at bars. I'll just start talking to women everywhere I go. It's fucking uncomfortable, terrifying, and had awkward rejections. But in a matter of months, I don't even remember the specifics because this was so many years ago. I mean, but in a matter of months, literally two months, having more dates and more choices and more opportunities to connect with women than ever before in my life, all because of massive action. So you probably know what your action step is going to be for today. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today. Other than coming up with a theme for 2010. I really want you to do that. Come up with a theme for 2019. It's fun. It's like a sweet. A lot of mine are kind of more, I don't know, vague and spiritual and emotional, whatever. Growth, just give more meaning to my life. Then I got my goals, what I want to do about business and my health and this and that sort of thing. All the specific things that I'm going to want to go after in the year. But that theme is beautiful. So do that. And then massive action. Blow your own mind, surprise and delight the younger version of you with how awesome you've become, how much you love yourself, how great your life is and how grateful you are for it. And go for that in 2019. Not from a place of perfectionism and being hard on yourself, but from an energy of almost being on your own side no matter what, but with the power of yes, I can. Yes, I will. And you can make these changes much more rapidly than you think. Awesome. Thanks for being with me today. And perhaps 2019, if we haven't met yet, is the year that you and I will meet. Maybe you'll come out to a live event. We're going to be having three next year. The Supremely Confident Conversation Master event in March, the beginning of March, March 8th through 10th. Then June 21st through 23rd is the ultimate confidence breakthrough in the summer here in Portland, it's gorgeous. And in the fall, there's that unlimited dating and relationship confidence. All three are amazing. All three are focused deeply on inner confidence and will help you in all areas of your life. They just have a particular theme that we focus on as one of the focuses there. So perhaps it will be the year that I meet you. I would love that. So go to my website, SocialConfidenceCenter.com SocialConfidenceCenter.com you can see more about the events and reserve your spot. Reach out to someone on my team to find out about the events or reserve a spot and I would love to meet you. I'd love to work with you. I'd love to watch you make these changes fast in your life. And regardless whether we meet in person or not, we just hang out this way. I am so excited to be with you for another year in 2019. I hope you have a fantastic New Year's end of this year. Have a really sweet experience of, of deciding what you want for 2019 and an intention for 2019, and I look forward to speaking with you next year. Until then, you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.
