Boldness Is Sexy

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today we're going to talk about how to make you more sexy. Oh, yeah. And this is related to a theme that we're having a few episodes around, which is dating and relationships. Just a huge area when it comes to confidence, being a major player in determining your success in this area. That means success in the traditional terms of you getting what you want, but also success in, I'd say, a more real way of not just you getting what you want out there, but you really being who you want to be, feeling how you want to feel, and really thriving in this area of your life. Right? Because, I mean, let's say you're like, I just want a partner. That's what I want. It's like, I just want a girlfriend. And then you get that partner and you're like, I feel terrible. It's like, is that success? I don't know. Probably not. Right? You want to experience the results that you're going for, but then also feel great, thriving, happy, joyful, loving, connected, passionate. That's the game we're playing here. That's what true confidence is. Be able to create the life that we want and enjoy the life that we're creating. And so I'm going to teach you about how to do that in several different ways, including today's episode, which is about a big secret sauce for sexiness, which is boldness. So exciting news, too. We're going to be opening up the Early Bird Super Early Bird tickets for my next event, which is going to be an online live event called Unlimited Dating and Relationship Confidence. So right up the alley of this episode and the few ones we have coming up. And the Super Early Bird tickets go on sale this Friday, which is September 4th. However. However, if you click down below this, if you go to shrinkforthshyguy.com, click on this episode and click down below, you can actually get your super Early Bird tickets two days before anybody else. So when this episode airs, you will have a live link to be able to go book your super early Bird tickets and no one else will, unless they're listening to the show until Friday. So there you go. And we'll talk more about that later. But for now, let's talk about how you can become more sexy. Eh, eh, eh. Who are you to resist it? That's how you become more sexy. You do weird comic voices that you probably learned from the Simpsons as a kid. It worked every time for me. No, but let's talk about this. First of all, we have to look at two different words that I'm using here. Sexy and boldness. So let's start with sexy, because that's sex sells. Everyone loves the word sex, unless you learn not to and you feel uncomfortable when you hear it. Either way, you still like it, though, underneath. So sexy. Do you see yourself as sexy? Are you. Is that a term that you would use? Is that an adjective that feels right for you, or does it feel far off? Is it sometimes. Is there a criteria for you? Well, sometimes if I'm wearing this or if I've just done that, is it a criteria that is unachievable or unobtainable? Why? Well, I would be if I looked like this, you know, someone who is basically a different body type than me, or if I look like that model, or if I look like that, you know, fitness person, or I had a different chin, whatever it is. So what is sexy? And are you. That. That's an important thing to look at because so many of us have the game rigged against us, where no matter what you do, you can't win it. Not because that's true, but that's because that's how you have perceived things. That's the reality that you have learned and are now inhabiting. And that reality might have been constructed from usually what you learn at school and what you learn in the media, what you hear from other people. And it's sort of like, oh, this kind of thing is attractive and sexy, and that kind of thing is not, and I'm in the not category. Or perhaps you just say, no, I think I can be sexy, or I am sometimes, so it's not all or nothing. But you want to start to look at this, because if you have it set up that you can't be or only rarely can be sexy, then that sucks. That sucks for your sex life and just for your general confidence. And you've been stripped of such a beautiful gift to be beautiful. To be desirable, to be sexy, I mean, to be sensual, to be all of that, like, that's a big part of the human experience. And that can all be kind of cut off or amputated just because you got fed some like insane propaganda that's designed to control you and make you feel inadequate so you buy things. I mean, that's where a lot of the cultural programming around beauty and body image that creates like a multi billion bajillion dollar industry. I mean, if you combine the fitness industry and the diet and nutrition industry, which is very rarely about actual health and longitivity, it's about appearance and manipulating how you look. And then you combine that with the fashion industry, which again, there's a subset of that that's like about clothing. You, like, I don't know, Patagonia or something is like, I need a jacket to climb the hillside. But a lot of the fashion industry, it's like billions of that industry is about like, hey, you know, you gotta have this body shape and you gotta look this way and that thing's not sexy and this thing is. And then you add in the makeup industry, right? Which, you know, a lot of women will say, no, I wear makeup because it makes me feel more like me. And you know, yeah, I'm sure there's a subset of that. Just like there's a subset of the fashion industry that's about clothing you. But there's a big chunk of that that's coming from my face as it is is not good enough. I got those horrible wrinkles or those spots and those things, and that's not sexy. You no longer can be if you have a wrinkle here, if you have a spot there, if you have this thing there. And you certainly can't be sexy if your belly does this and not that. And all these forces designed to control us. And if you want to look at how fucking mind controlled we are is look at how everyone thinks the same. What part of you is not sexy? My belly. My low belly. Why do we all think that? I wonder if that was targeted. Hmm. Right. So what we want to start to look at and wake up to is that what you think of and what it's allowed for you to be. And being able to reclaim that sexiness is going to require some level of challenging and unplugging and saying no to that. Because if you're trying to buy into that and say, okay, I'm going to get sexy by doing this, this and that, it's going to be an endless pursuit. And don't just take it from my words, like, look at your own experience. Have you achieved sexy through trying to manipulate your body in some way? And maybe you did. Did you sustain it and did you really feel sexy or not? I talk about this in my book Omos. On my own side, I had this little phase I went through. It was about a two year phase where I was really into fitness, but fitness for body manipulation. I'm gonna get the lean, I'm gonna get the abs. I'm really gonna fucking do it. Really determined. When I get onto something, I'm determined. So I like, you know, studied it. I'm just gonna follow the protocols, I'm gonna do it. I did cuts and bulks and all these different things and did achieve a certain level of leanness where you could see my abs. And I got it. And then I was like, well, that kind of sucked. And now I gotta sustain this. And I remember watching some video because I've watched a ton of information to learn about all the, you know, all the body manipulation tactics. And there's a video on there I was interviewing. He said, you know what's kind of ironic is that a lot of guys want the abs because they think if they have the abs and the muscles, they're going to have a higher sex appeal. And he's like, you know, honestly, when you're down at that low of a body fat percentage and you're all focused so much on your fitness and your diet and everything, you know, you could have a naked woman in front of you and you're more just thinking about your protein shake or the chicken breast that you get to eat next because you're kind of hungry. And I heard that and I thought, bleh, sounds terrible. Flash forward, you know, whatever X period of time later. And yeah, my sex drive was probably the lowest it's ever been when my body fat was the lowest it's ever been. Now I'm not saying that's the case for everybody, but it certainly wasn't a joyous path to sexiness. And I'm sure you have your own stories that we could swap and you could tell me about your experience with this stuff. And my purpose here is to wake us all up. In fact, that's actually, you know, that event I was talking about, the unlimited dating and relationship confidence which you can get your super early bird ticket to. Now, the whole first day of the event. The Friday. It's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, July. Not July, October. Wow. Oh, the days of July. Summer's gone. But October 23rd, through 25th, Friday through Sunday, the whole Friday is about owning your value. Because it doesn't matter what I teach you about how to approach and how to be and what's more attractive and all these things. If you can't own your value, your attractiveness is greatly diminished. And your joy of experiencing connection and love and sexuality and all that is greatly diminished. You gotta own your value. So we're go real deep into this for a whole day, but for right now, the main thing I want you to take away is sexy is more accessible than you think. What if sexy was not about your size and your shape and your hairline or any other external factor that you base it on? And I'm not saying that you don't want to work out or you don't want to be healthy. You don't want to take care of yourself. I mean, there is a truth to that, right? Like if you were just like totally disheveled and just like totally let yourself go and we're eating shitty food and not exercising at all and like, you would be less sexy. But that's about how you're carrying yourself and a lack of self care. And that's a big part of owning your value, is really taking care of yourself and loving who you are. We have an episode coming up about how to really fully enjoy and truly enjoy your life right now, even if you're single. Because so many people are like, you know, feeling limited or incomplete in their life and then they're trying to get a relationship from that place, which is suboptimal, let's just say so, yes, yes to thriving, yes to taking care of yourself, yes to loving your life and also letting go of needing these things to be just so for you to be sexy. So if that's true and it's possible, then how do we experience that? How do we become more sexy? Well, there's many levers to pull. In fact, the second day of the unlimited dating relationship confidence event is all about magnetic attraction. How to really skyrocket that energy, that chemistry, whether it's between you and someone new or for a lot of people in the relationship. Because a lot of people, once they get into a relationship, they're dating or they're married, or they've just been together for a period of time, There needs to be some understanding of these levers for the mechanics of attraction, or else it can kind of settle into some sort of neutral zone. That's okay, that's all right. I gave her the peck. But how do we reactivate and not Just reactivate, but increase that sense of connection and passion to beyond anything you've ever experienced. Let's talk about one of the levers for increasing attraction, increasing sexiness. And you know it because it's in the title of this episode. So it's not the big reveal, but it's boldness. Boldness. What if boldness was sexy? And what if you have total control over that? But if you can decide, you could choose to be bold, you don't have total control over your body fat percentage. It's a long road and not that satisfying. You know, you don't have total control or any control over, like, spots on your face. I don't know, I guess you can wear some sunblock or something, and maybe that isn't. But whatever. It's like these things that we focus on. You can steer your life in certain ways to manipulate external factors over time, but boldness you can do today. You can decide, I'm going to be bolder today. Now let me make a case as to why. Now, you might already be sold on boldness, and bold action is where it's at, right? But how is boldness specifically sexy? Well, what do you think? Do you know what I'm talking about when I say boldness is sexy? Can you just get a sense of it? Can you just get a feel even before we, you know, fill up the space with a bunch of words and descriptions and stories and images? But just for you to get a knowing, a sense of that truth, like, boldness is sexy. Can you feel that? What if boldness was the most sexy thing? Now, why would that be? Hmm. Something to think about. So when you're more bold, what are you doing? Well, you're being more you. You are being more out there. You're being more connected, you're being more interactive, you're being more alive. And so let's break this down and why this is sexy in a number of different ways. The first way is that when you're bold, are you more likely to interact with and approach other people? Absolutely. So they're right off the bat, right? There's just. Imagine two scenarios. There's a person, you know, person drawn as another person. Could be a man drawn to a woman, woman drawn to a man, man drawn to a man, woman drawn to a woman, transsexual. It doesn't matter. Two humans drawn, one's drawn to the other. And scenario one, you're like, wow, that person's really amazing. I think I really want to get to know them, but they're probably Busy. I don't want to bother them. That's scenario one. Scenario two, Same two people. Wow. Who's that person over there? Wow, that was exciting. All right, here we go. I wonder who that. I'm going to find out. Let's find out. Can you just feel the difference between those two, and can you feel how one is more sexy? Why? Because they're more alive. They're more energetic. There's more energy moving through them. There's more life force moving. They're more vital. Do you get a sense of that? Can you see that? Can you feel that? Okay, great. So let's take it further. Now they're going to approach that person. Again, there's a choice. Once you've decided to approach the person, you can approach what with more, I don't know, safety. More casual, like, how's it going? Oh, neat. Well, let me tell you. Okay. Or you could approach with more boldness. Right. And that could be with what you say, but it could also be with how you hold yourself, the eye contact you make, how much intent you show. Do you show that you're into that person, or do you kind of keep it, like, under wraps? Can you feel that? So there's, like, this dial that we're constantly having the control over. Do I turn it up or turn it down? Turn it up or turn it down? And, I mean, I could go on a thousand different ways. This is. That's why I'm kind of saying, do you sense that? Do you feel that? Because once you get it, you'll start to do it. I don't have to describe it 700 different ways. I mean, we could take another example that doesn't have anything to do with your dating life. You are more bold at work. Typically, you sit through a meeting, and you'd just be like, I'm gonna twiddle my thumbs. What do I think? Who am I? I'm a nobody. And then all of a sudden, you're like, you know what? I think I got something to offer here. Hold on. I don't think we're doing this in the best way. No, no, wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna say something. Hold on a second, guys. I'd like to bring this point up. And then, boom, you speak up. Boom, you contribute something. Now, that energy in you when you're out and about later, when you're on a date or whatever, do you think that's going to affect you? Do you think that's going to be still moving through you? Absolutely. Because, again, you are more upright. You're more bold, you're more you, you're more alive, you're more powerful, you're more confident. And so this boldness is sexy in a variety of different settings, even if it's not directly in the dating one. And if you could follow that dating example again and again down the pathway, where do you go in for the kiss? Do you let the person know that you're interested in something? Do you make a move, as it were? And it's also sexy because boldness is more trustworthy. People know where you're at more when you're more bold, when you just say it, when you're just real. Because isn't being real being authentic? Doesn't it require a high level of boldness? I mean, I think at the end of the day, that's one of the most courageous things we could do, is to show up each day and fully be ourselves. And so when you do that, can you feel how that would open up doors in your love life, in your dating life? And this is not just initially. I'm talking some examples about when you first meet somebody. But in romantic relationships that have been going on for a little while, one of the things that diminishes the connection, the passion, the energy, is not the stories people tell themselves. Like, well, we've gotten older. Well, we've gotten fatter. Well, you know, I like bodies that look like this, and now our bodies look like that. He used to have more hair. I don't know, whatever it is, or something else, like, oh, now we have a house together and we got kids. Point to the circumstances of it. And actually what tends to significantly diminish the passion is that people start to fit more into roles about how they are, and they have a role of the dad or the husband or the wife or the homemaker or the co parent or the whatever. And we start to play out a role often influenced by our parents. And then we kind of fit into that and we start to operate. And our life force just goes way down when we're doing that. And you could see it in people. They're walking around. You know, I'm attuned to the dads, right, Because I'm a dad. And I look around, you kind of see the dad who's like the broken man. You know, he's just sort of following the family around. He's checked out on his phone, just kind of like, huh, yeah, all right. Yeah, whatever you. Whatever you guys want. I don't fucking. I'm just. I don't even know what I'm doing here. And it's just like there's not, there's no vitality, there's no life force, there's no decisiveness. He's not walking with purpose. He's not like, I fucking want to be here with my kids because I love this shit. He's like, I gotta be here cuz he's not like, that's my partner, that's my woman, that's my lover, that's. This is who I'm here with. And yes, I choose this person. And I would say that's a lack of boldness. There's a lack of boldness in the relationship because in order for attraction to consistently be there, it needs to be dynamic. Because as soon as things settle into this is what we do, honey. Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. All of a sudden you might feel companionship. You might definitely deeply love each other. You've shared so many life experiences together. But that charge is going to come from things being dynamic. What makes it dynamic? Change. Uncertainty. Stepping into the unknown. How the hell do you step into the unknown? Change and uncertainty when you're both sharing? You know, you both have the same jobs, you kind of know what's going on in their life. And you know, you have kids together and it's sweet and it's fun, but it's not crazy. So how do you create that charge, that dynamic, that uncertainty? You have conversations you've never had before. You explore things, you grow in new ways. And you talk about things that you generally might want to avoid. You have the conversation about your sex life. You talk about sexual positions with your partner you've been with for 10 or 15 years. When's the last time you guys talked about that? You talk about your bodies. You say, here's the judgments I have about my stomach. Here's the pattern I have. You talk about stuff that's not even related to your relationship or your sex life, but it's more real, it's more dynamic. Hey, I had this strange experience at work. You talk about this feeling of attraction you have for somebody else. You talk about something that's gonna feel scary. Like, oh, if I bring this up, this is gonna be a. They're not gonna like this. Oh my God. And you learn, you learn how to talk about this stuff in a way that doesn't rip you apart, but brings you closer together. And that is nothing more than a skill and practice. And what does all of this require? That's right, you guessed it. Boldness. Boldness because you think it's scary to approach someone you don't know or to reach out to somebody, to go on a first date. That's small potatoes to being with someone for a year or five years or 15 years or longer. And to be like, okay, we gotta talk about this thing. Oh, I've been avoiding this thing for three months or longer. And you're kind of doing this weird distancing a little bit. You know, I wanna avoid that topic. Oh, no, everything's fine. And then, you know, you need to bring it up, though. And then you. And you don't want to. And there's all this fear of, like, if I do this, if we talk about this, if I go there, this is gonna be so bad. And that's not true. What makes it feel like it's gonna be so bad is that you are gonna be breaking out of that role. You know, the good husband doesn't talk about this, or the good wife doesn't talk about that. Or, you know, as a boyfriend, as a girlfriend, as a partner, I shouldn't be like that. Or as a fiances, we can't talk about this. I can't ask for that. I can't say that. I can't bring this up. And so you must have the boldness to do that, to step outside of that role and see that safety that you're trying to get by being in the role. It might keep you safe, it might not. Because in the long term, it might kill the relationship, might suffocate it. And then what do you got? Then you don't even have that. Or maybe even worse, it doesn't suffocate the relationship, it just suffocates you. And then you. So the relationship continues on and you're just sort of a shell. You're like that broken dad who's following the family around. I don't even want to be here. Right. So what's the solution to all this? Boldness. That's why boldness is sexy. Every step of the way, in every aspect of your life, the more boldness you can bring, the more sexy you become. Now, there's two parts to this. One is practicing the boldness. And the other part, though, is really upgrading your psychology to see that it does make you more sexy. Because if you're taking more bold action and you're becoming more sexy, but then you don't think you are, then you will distort reality to stay consistent with that story of I'm not sexy. So there could be vibes coming your way, and you just. You're not receptive to them. I was not receptive to any sexual interest or romantic interest for many years. And I was very. Not bold for a long time. I was extremely timid and restricted. So there might not have been that much coming my way, but there was a little bit and I was just totally, totally closed off to it does not compute. Not allowed. And this is why you have to own your value. You have to own your value because otherwise all the love that you might want might be coming your way, all the interest. There might be all these great opportunities in your love life, whether it's with new potential partners or in your relationship to make it that much better. But you're closed off to it because you're like, yeah, but I'm not. And not only that, we kind of. We kind of cross our arms like, no, I'm not sexy. I'm gonna, like, I'm gonna defend that shitty position for some reason. Why? To have certainty. Why? Because to say I am sexy is gonna open you up to new experiences, new love, new opening your heart more. And part of us is absolutely terrified of that. We so desperately want it, we need it, we crave it. And another part of us is like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna settle for comfort. I'm gonna settle for having a partner where everything. We play our roles and everything's safe and predictable. And we got to change all this. So we're talking about an action step in a minute. But, you know, I'd say the most important action step would be to go register for the ultimate unlimited dating and relationship confidence. I mean, it's online. You can attend from anywhere in the world. And this is. I mean, I don't know what area of life brings either more joy or more pain. I mean, I've seen people and we've helped people grow in their confidence and have major changes in their career and double, triple their income or the size of their business. And it's awesome. And they talk about it and they're like, yeah, it's great, or, yeah, okay, it's awesome. And then over time it's like, yeah, cool, I got the more money, or whatever. It's great. It's great a relationship, though, when it's like not working. And if you're in that place right now, you know, it sucks, it's painful. And so we gotta change that. We gotta address that, we gotta face that, we gotta upgrade that. And it's gotta start with you owning your value and so much more. So if you go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com, click on this episode, boldness is sexy. And then go right below it, there'll be a link to go get your super early bird ticket. And I cannot wait to spend three days with you really resolving this. And we made the price of these super early birds so low, so accessible that there's really no excuse. There's really no reason to not step up. The only reason might be some story of that's not gonna work. I don't know. I don't have the time. I'm too busy. And if you're on my email list, I have a video that I sent, I'm sending out pretty soon about that. About how we tell ourselves we're too busy because we don't want to face this area of our lives. And I know that one very well. So let's talk about how to put this into action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step for today is quite simple, my friend. Be bold. What boldness can you bring to your life today? Just look for an opportunity. I'm going to be bold some way, some shape or form today. Maybe you know it right now. Maybe you have an idea coming to you right now. And maybe it's something that will emerge. It'll become more clear in the moment. You'll say, ah, here's my opportunity to be bold. That's my recommendation for you. Put this into practice. Be bold and just notice. Then just sit back and let all the sex come in. Right? But bring more of you and more connection, more love, more sexual energy and passion. All of that is available as you become more bold. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening. Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.