Boost Confidence And Kill Anxiety At The Same Time

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Welcome to today's episode of the show. As today's title would suggest, is it possible to boost confidence and kill anxiety at the same time? Actually, yes. And there's one shift that I'm going to suggest today that does both. And in fact, it works much better than some of the other tools and techniques that I teach and I help people with. So I'm not saying that those don't work, but I'm saying that sometimes this is the missing ingredient. And when you can access does, it's like a double two for one bogo where you build a sense of inner confidence and the anxiety melts away without you trying, you know? Cause we have all these different techniques, right? Maybe you've listened to meditations on YouTube or headspace or whatever. It's like, okay, calm my anxiety. Calm, calm, everybody calm down, right? And it's, maybe it works for a little bit and then you're back in it and anxiety is there. So maybe you're calm in the evening when you listen to it and then you're at work the next day and it's like, where's my headspace? So this approach will help you not just calm down, but really fundamentally change how you're approaching that workday or that social situation or that date with more confidence and as a byproduct, less anxiety. That sound good? Are you sold? Are you at least sold on hearing me, hearing my idea? Hopefully. And we can hang out together. And if you're benefiting from this show, my one request to you, because it is absolutely free, is first, hail me as a great, great man. Maybe have an altar to me in your house. No, the one thing that I would request is that you give it a review on wherever you're listening to it, Apple, podcasts, Spotify, wherever this thing is being distributed. And the purpose of that, in addition to exalting me for my greatness, is because I really want to reach more people out there who are struggling with this. And there's like hundreds of millions of humans who are suffering with social anxiety and self doubt and chronic self attack and self loathing and man, we can shift this. And you're in that journey with me right now and I'm so glad. And let's help others so think of it, the review, it does reach more of the people, right? Because it gets more views. People that are unsure about it look at it and they're like, oh, cool, maybe I'll listen to this. And then they get the help too. And everything I share in this podcast is free. And it's real applicable stuff that is happening with clients right now from my own journey, from working with people. Real time, cutting edge stuff. And so if you really want to free yourself from social anxiety, become more confident. You're learning not just theory or something I academically learned 20 years ago in some doctoral training. This is actual stuff that is working, like today, this week, stuff I'm sharing with clients and testing out and seeing in their own lives as well as mine. And that's where this tool comes from as well. So what is this tool? Well, there was a client I was working with who you probably have heard from this show or elsewhere that you gotta get outside your comfort zone, right? You gotta take risks. Confidence comes when we say step outside our comfort zone, not before. That's probably not new information to you, but so what happens is people try that and then they feel really scared, right? So if I were to say, yeah, you want to become more confident speaking at work, you got to go speak up at work. If you want to be more confident dating, you got to go approach those terrifying women. There's awful. Or maybe you want to approach men, whatever. But whoever you find attractive is just so terrifying, aren't they? Right. So. And that sounds. Feels really scary. We have a lot of anxiety about that. A lot of worry, concern, fear, self doubt, before post, after, you know, analysis, I mean, you name it, Rumination city. And so either we don't do it, we just avoid, or we kind of do it. And this is what this client was doing. He was doing it, but he's just enduring it. And we're hoping that it's going to get better. And sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes we're just in endurance mode. Sometimes our external skills improve. Like we sound better when we speak up, or we approach with more confidence, but inside we're just as nervous as always. And we're like, when does this fear stop? Right. Well, I'm going to suggest that the way you shift this is not with a technique as much as a change in perception of who you are basically drawing on a part of yourself or a version of yourself that already exists, that essentially is a badass who is willing to take risks and be bold. And I would say that this part, if we were to name that part inside of you, is bold. And let's give him or her not a vocation but a role. And the one that I like is, is adventurer or explorer, right? So a bold adventurer or a bold explorer. And you might say, ooh, I don't know if that's me, dude, have you seen my life? Well, I'm not saying what you've lived, I'm saying who you are. And when we're in a state of confusion or self doubt or fear, we can for sure not live who we really are, right? I mean, maybe you felt that that's very painful to be inauthentic, to not really be living the life that's our own, not really being who we. Because we've forgotten. And I'm going to suggest here right now that you've forgotten who you really are, that deep down you are a badass, adventurous explorer. And let's take a moment to see what that is. And as I describe it, maybe, just maybe you'll be like, wait a minute, I think I've done that in certain times or places or periods of my life and I did feel more powerful and confident. Huh. Maybe there's a trend here, but let's look at that. So when you think of an explorer, for some reason, I think of a couple of different eras. I think of the age of exploration, which is like in the 1800s and it was dudes going out to go die at the North Pole or whatever, right. Or also I think of someone exploring some jungle region, maybe the Amazon on a boat and there's all kinds of treacherous things around them. Right. But probably when, I don't know what comes to your mind when you hear adventurer or explorer, maybe I'll give you a moment to think about that. But it's something, maybe a different time, maybe it's currently, but it's something that's different than being in the center of the safest spot, avoiding all action, risk, discovery. Right? Right. So wherever you, whatever you imagine, they're out there doing something on the edge, into unknown territory. Maybe you think of Star Trek or something, I don't know, it doesn't matter, right. In outer space, the final frontier, where no one has gone before. Right. But whatever the setting, it's at that edge. And not only you might say, well, isn't that just going outside your comfort zone? Yeah. But it's also how you do it, right? Because adventurers, explorers are the kind of people who are seeking that out, right. No one gets forced, just like you Pluck someone from their, you know, some 19th century dude, it's 1833 and he's a banker and is in some big building in New York. And you're like, you. Me? Yeah, you. Get out of your desk. Come here. Come here. Yes. You're gonna go. You're gonna lead an expedition to the North Pole, right? I mean, the guy's gonna refuse. He's gonna be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just wanna stay here. Right? But the person who is leading that expedition to the North Pole is seeking that stuff out. They got a little bit of wild energy and a little bit of crazy, like yells, go see what's in the North Pole. Why? I don't know. Cause no one's ever done it and maybe I'll get rich. Maybe they're chasing glory and fame there. This is what I'm here to do. I'm here to do more than sit in this safe little place and just wait out my life until I die. And there's a hunger there. There's a hunger for the adventure, for the risk, for the unknown. And this is a very different orientation to going outside our comfort zone. Because yes, what you've heard is true. In order to build your confidence, you have to get outside your comfort zone and you have to do it a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot, Right. And what does that mean? Well, it's different for everybody, but it's generally more than the comfort seeking part of us wants, which is to I, you know, one, never go out of the comfort zone, or B, go out of it once or twice. Maybe three times. Maybe, maybe I'll speak up. Three times at work. I did that last week though, dude. I tried like a couple of times. Am I done? Can I be done? Can I be excused? We're doing this thing, it's a long story, but we're having more family dinners and try to make that happen two, three times a week. Our family is very close. Me and my wife and two kids, we spent a lot of time together, but it's dinner time. My wife and I were kind of hippies when we were younger. We're a little less hippie now. And, but part of that was kind of like, hey man, we're not going to force our kids to sit at the table, man. We're just going to be more fluid and flexible, man. We didn't really talk like that. But you know, and there's, that's a longer conversation about some of our choices and, and really prioritizing sovereignty and unconditional love, which I've learned that there's some pros and some cons to that. But in any case, we realized, you know what, having that and teaching them some capacity to be at a table and be respectful and which they can do, but they didn't really realize, like, oh, this is something that we should do this all, all the time. Like, if we're at a friend's house or something, we should behave like this. So we're kind of trying to instill that more. Anyway, so we're sitting at the dinner table, and it's kind of a comedic, you know, just chaos show, right? Because they're, like, trying to get up. It's like, oh, you can't get up. And then I'm like, oh, you get up, you're gonna lose your game time, you know? And like, you know, and then my son is, like, raising his hand like he's in class, and he's like, dad, dad. I'm like, yes, Rumi. He's like, can I be excused? And we went down for, like, we were sitting there for like, five minutes, right? And that's what we got this part inside of us that's like, do the uncomfortable, do the hard, take the risk. Can I. Can I be excused? Can I be done with this now? And that's not wrong. It's not bad. I love, you know, that little, little guy and that part of him that doesn't want to sit there, you know, he's got some. Some attention stuff going on. And we all have that part that doesn't want to take the risk, that wants the comfort, that wants the ease, right? So we don't need to demonize that part or make it wrong. The issue is that if that part's driving the bus, you're never really going to consistently do what it takes to really liberate yourself, build confidence, and get all the rewards of confidence, which is a more alive feeling and also more tangible results in your life, right? Career, monetary options in the world, social connections, romantic relationships, respect, prestige, the ability to pursue what you really want. I mean, there's a lot of real, tangible. Maybe those aren't tangible things in the sense that you can't hold love, but, man, real world felt awesomeness. Let's say those are real results of confidence, and we have to build that. We have to construct that. In other words, you have to earn that man, woman. There's this idea that we have. You know, there's a saying. I don't know where it comes from, but it's Hard times make strong people, strong people make good times, good times make weak people, and weak people make hard or bad times. Right? It's kind of a larger cycle of history, of human history. And I think we're squarely in many ways in the good times, making weak people phase of that cycle. And so there's this general world perception that many people of my generation and the next generation after us have that's like, dude, can I just have a bunch of stuff? Do I have to work hard for it? I don't want to work hard for it. That sounds terrible. Just whatever, man, you know, something's owed to me. Give it to me. I don't want to put in, right? And that's only compounded with the abundance of ultra dopamine delivery systems that give you something for nothing, which again, doesn't make you feel happy or joyful. It actually makes you feel empty inside after you do it. But it's like this slippery slope into another form of weakness because then it's like buckle down and do hard, focused work for six hours. Like, whoa, man, whoa. Where's YouTube? I can't do that, right? So there is this call to that inner adventure. And at the beginning I was appealing to the excitement of it, and now I'm appealing to the, you gotta do it, man, or else maybe a little bit of that cautionary tone. And look, I'm not your dad, I'm not your parent. You do whatever you want. But this is what I have seen is going to really produce the shift. And so are you with me so far? Does that seem true to you? That in order to really create the results that you want, you're going to need to take consistent action, probably a lot of it outside of your comfort zone? Can we agree on that? Okay, cool. I'm going to assume you're nodding your head, saying yes, but then it's like, well, if you're going to do that, then how are you going to go do it? And that matters even more because the how is the fuel gives you the ability to be sustainable and consistent with it, right? It's like, how do you lose weight? Do you have a really active lifestyle and you watch what you eat and you eat healthy and try to eat mostly real food and you're physically engaged and active in your body? Or do you just do a hardcore water fast and you might say, hey, YouTube told me that's like the healthiest thing in the world to do and I'm going to solve all my health problems with a 40 day water fast. I don't know, Maybe, maybe. But most people, they try that and they, like, don't eat for a half a day, and then they go gorge themselves at night because it was too hard to get through half a day without eating. So these are not the most sustainable. You could do that for, like, a medical reason or something, but to lose weight, probably a more sustained lifestyle change, right? And that's what we're looking at here, is a lifestyle change where you embody this adventurous explorer, this discoverer inside of you and then think about this. Think about, if you're an adventurer, then what are you doing today? You're adventuring. If you're an explorer, what are you doing today? I'm exploring. Now, imagine that scenario that I shared earlier of my little fantasy vision of a guy or a crew out on the Amazon river or something. They're trying to get from point A to point B. And in this case, let's say they're not there to, you know, pillage gold from the locals. Let's say they're there for a more noble cause. They're discoverers, or they're just exploring. They're just mapping. They're mapping things out. They're not there to pillage anything. You're an explorer for noble purposes. So you're looking around, you're waking up in the morning at dawn on your boat. What are you anticipating that day, are you saying, Man, I sure hope that I just get a lot of the locals, just give me tons of food, and there's food everywhere on the trees, and we just kind of. I don't really want to do anything today. Maybe we just chill on the side of the river and see if we can get through the day with as little discomfort as possible. What's gonna be, like, pleasurable today? Can we just kind of chill, maybe? Eat a lot, play some cards, get drunk, Right? Is that. Is that what that adventure is doing, right? Or. Or is that adventurer saying, you know what, man? There's, like, snakes out there. Maybe some of the people we're gonna meet are gonna be hostile. They don't want us going through territory. There's all kinds of weird, gnarly stuff in the water. I think I'm just gonna leave. I think we're just gonna take this boat and turn it around, just go home. Let's go back to wherever country we came from, right? Well, no, because he chose to be there. And it could be a she, too. It doesn't matter, right? This person chose to be there, and they're like, I am here, and I want to see what's out there today. They're anticipating some level of adversity, of challenge. That's what I'm here for, to see, to feel the aliveness that's part of and on the other side of those challenges. And that's how we want to approach speaking up at work. It's not like, okay, fine, I'll do it because Aziz kicked me out of the airplane, told me to do it. How many times do I have to do this? Right now, you're fully identified with that small, anxious little banker guy inside. No, no, this banker is just a metaphor here. You can work in the financial industry and still practice and be an adventurous explorer, right? I'm trying to give you visual imagery here because I'm an artiste, but hopefully you're getting my point here and we're seeing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I need to activate or access some part of me to really make this a powerful and lasting part of my life. Does that make sense? And what you'll notice when you do this is, yes, it boosts your confidence because you're like, bring it on. This is what I was made for. Let's go. And you get stronger inside. You lean in. The way I like to think about it is, let's say you're jumping into the ocean to go body surfing or boogie boarding or surfing or whatever, right? And you know, it's cold, salty. You get thrown around in the water, and you could. You could kind of tiptoe in with your back towards the water, like, ooh, ooh, it's going up to my shorts. Oh, it's getting. Or you can just jump in. Splashes you in the face. Whoa, it's cold. Here we go. I'm alive. And that is why boldness is always, always rewarded. Because you might get the yes, you might get the no, you might get the sale, you might get the rejection. You might get the person thinking you're great. You might get them thinking that you suck. But you're guaranteed to gain two things. Every time you risk and take a bold action. You know what they are. One, you're gonna gain more boldness, like a capacity of boldness. In fact, we won't even count that. One. Just. Let's just say that's the base. It's the muscle builds. But one, you're gonna get a sense of aliveness if you embrace this inner explorer. Otherwise, the part of you inside that just wants comfort is gonna freak out and say, that was terrible. Never do it again. And you'll get to feel the aliveness. But if you embrace this explorer, you get to be like, yes, and you feel more alive. That's one benefit. And number two, you're gonna gain wisdom. You're going to gain experience. You're going to learn through doing, and that's the fastest way to learn anything. And then, of course, you're going to be building your. Your boldness muscle as well. All right, so let's talk about how to put this into action for you in your life. Now, time for action. Action, action. I'd imagine this has already been an action step at some point, but let's bring it back. So these are all great metaphors. And, you know, I'm totally going to speak up tomorrow. I'm all fired up. Let's go. Well, let's prime you to make that a reality. So tomorrow morning, or if you haven't taken your shower yet today, then today you're going to take a cold shower. That's the invitation. That's the action step. And no, this isn't about some biohack thing or whatever. It's going to, you know, increase your dopamine by 18%. I don't know, probably. Sure, some science sciency things here, but ultimately, I'm in it for the psychological bennies, which is that you are. And you can even be playful with this. Like, before you step in the shower, part of you is like, ah, you say, hey, I'm an adventurous explorer. Let's go. Right? And you're reinforcing that identity. And then that's going to translate obviously into putting this into your life and this becoming a part of who you are. Awesome. Thanks for being with me today. And until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are. This adventure, explorer and more. Until we speak again, know that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.