Breaking The Anxiety Cycle

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools, tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, I'm excited to share with you how you can free yourself from worry and anxiety, which obviously can apply to any area of life. We can worry about anything, but, you know, especially people that I'm working with, we can tend to worry about social situations, upcoming things relating to other humans, whether it's an experience at work, a conflict that we have to deal with, saying something, we need to say something that's bothering us that we don't want to say, any sort of social experience, dating experience, work experience, we can worry about all of that stuff, as well as the big things in life that people tend to worry about. You know, their money, their health, family members, that sort of thing, too. So there is no end to what we can have anxiety about. And in this show, we often talk about social anxiety, but this applies to everything. But I'm going to guess that if you're listening to this show, you experience some of the time some sort of anxiety. It's probably what drew you here, probably social anxiety or fear of being more direct or assertive with people. Right. So how do we deal with that anxiety? How do we actually free ourselves from that anxiety? Because one of that's one of the primary goals I'd say people that I work with have is have want to stop this feeling of anxiety. And then maybe I'll be able to do things, maybe I'll be able to speak up more at work, or I'll be able to go approach people or all that. But it really is coming back down to that feeling of anxiety and how do I get rid of it? Right? And maybe you've tried a lot of things. People have tried medications, they've tried meditation, they've tried positive thinking, affirmations, gratitude journals, just confronting the fear. And every single one of those things is a powerful tool. It might work partly fully for a period of time. Maybe it stops working. Maybe you stop doing it and then it stops working. You ever done that? Like, this is working great. I'm feeling more confident, I'm feeling more free. It's time to stop doing all those things. It's like me with doing mobility work to help me be athletic, lifting weights, running, hiking. And the more that stuff I do, the more I need to have time to take care of my body. And it's not a ton. I find 20 to 30 minutes consistently a day of stretching, addressing weak areas, foam rolling, that kind of stuff. If I consistently do it 20, 30 minutes a day, I'm golden. But what happens is I am doing really well physically. And then I decide, you know what? I don't have time to stretch today. I don't really feel like it. I don't really want whatever the resistance is. And then a day goes by, a couple days goes by, I start getting off of that habit. And then a month, you know, three weeks, a month goes by, and all of a sudden I'm like, pain. I need to. Oh, why did I stop? And that often happens with anything we do to help us break free from anxiety. What I want to do today is not just share another tool with you. Like, try this thing is, I want to share the underlying circle cycle that's happening. And when you really observe, in fact, the. The tool is going to be to observe this, to really see this. Because when you really see this, then the tools you have are going to be a lot more powerful when you apply them. And sometimes just observing the thing happening helps you stop the cycle. What's the cycle I'm talking about? Well, it goes like this. First, you know, you're worrying. That's what's happening when we're worrying. When we're feeling anxiety, the very first part of the cycle is fear, right? That's how you know you're worrying or you're anxious, is you feel fear of some sort, right? And that's right there in the front and center. We don't need anyone else to tell us that. And you can feel fear in a lot of different ways. It could be very in your body. Like your chest is tight, your stomach is tight, you're not hungry, you're. You're really hungry. It can be funny like that. We can have a variety of desires come from that fear. For comfort, for distraction, maybe notice tension in your body, your shoulders, your jaw. It could also be a very fast, buzzy mind. A lot of, you know, it's like, I don't even know what I'm feeling in My body. I just know that my mind is looping and obsessing and I don't got to worry about this and how does my body look? Or what did I say? What did I say? Did I say the right thing? I say the right thing. What's going to happen? Oh, my God, I'm going to fail. Whatever it is, right? That's the first part that we're all aware of, and that's where most people stop. They're like, oh, this thing sucks. How do I get rid of it? What's the. What's the pill? What's the solution? And what we need to do to find a real solution. A more permanent solution is to drop, is to go further and observe the cycle of what. What's happening to create that and what happens next. So out of that worry or anxiety, if you study it, there is an urge to do something, right? That's why if you're freaking out inside, someone's like, just chill out, man. You know, you want to punch them in the face or run away. You don't want to do that. So if someone's really anxious and you're like, just sit and do nothing, right? That's excruciating. I got to do something that. The term that I like is almost like the moment is pregnant with the urge for action. It's like, something's got to come out of me. I gotta freaking do something right now. And that could be a protective behavior, right? Like, I gotta go work on the thing. I gotta go prevent the thing from happening, okay? If I. If I work really hard or if I take all the action or if I call a person up, or maybe I go to apologist, Maybe I text them. Do I text them and say, hey, is that you upset by the thing that I said? Ooh, that's too direct. I can't be that direct. Maybe I just gotta text him and say, hey, how's it going today, huh? And then if they don't reply to me in five seconds, I'm gonna know that they're pissed at me, right? So you gotta do it all in code underneath the surface, because you don't want to be direct with people. Oh, my God, that's even more scary, right? So we want to do something. I got to prepare for this thing at work, right? So this is a common one, I hear, and I've done it too. Is you over prepare? You don't just do the normal amount of preparation or the amount of preparation that would help you do a great job. You're Just obsessive. I got to add more and add more and go over it again and you know, practice for 19 hours for a three minute talk or something. And so it's urgency to do something now that's all actual stuff. But if you're a super worrier like I was, then you don't actually have to do anything. You can just do it all in your head. So that's what worrying is. A lot of the time it's replaying and going over the thing and maybe planning what you could do, imagining what you should do. It feels like you're doing something in your head, but you're not. You're just pacing around your house or driving somewhere and getting your stomach up in a knot, not being present with those around you because they're talking to you and you're like, uh huh, yeah, totally, I'm here. And then inside your head it's just this non stop doing, doing, doing of thought. Right, you know what I'm talking about there. So whether it's action in the world or doing in your head, it's all this urge to do something and that's the next part of the cycle. So imagine we start with fear and then we have this urge to do something. And if you keep studying what's next there? What is this urge to do something about? Well, that comes from, if I do something, probably the right things, then I get to prevent the bad stuff from happening, Right? So if you prepare enough on your talk, you'll present prevent the bad thing. And the bad thing is people judging you or you not getting the sale or failing or not getting the job or whatever it is, whatever the result is that you want. So basically the result that we want is good and what we don't want is bad. Everybody knows that, duh. So I want, I want the good things, I don't want the bad things. And so socially I want people to like me, I don't want them to dislike me. I want that person to feel attracted to me and wanting to have another date with me. Not say, hey, I'm not feeling it and you're an uggo. Whatever it is, we don't want the outcomes that we call bad. And so if I do the right things, then I'll protect myself from the bad. Maybe I'll even bring about the good. That would be awesome. And if you study all of that doing that's coming from fear. It's about protecting from the bad things, making sure they don't happen, trying to control life to get the Good things. Right? So you with me so far? We got fear leads into the urge to do something. The urge to do. So I think just think of it in simple terms. Fear leads to do do to prevent the bad. Well, what's beneath that? Or what's the next step in the cycle then? Well, the bad is pain, man. Duh. It's like, why do you not want that person to dump you? That's kind of a dumb question. Because it would suck. Would be painful. Why do you not want to get that job you're really into? Because that would suck. It'd be painful. I don't like where I'm working right now. I want it to change. Why do you not want your friend or partner to be sick or terminally ill? It's like, are you kidding me? Because that would be very painful. It all comes down to pain. That could be physical pain. That's why we don't want to break our arm, break our legs, get injured, whatever. And it could also be emotional pain. In fact, we are mostly protecting ourselves from emotional pain much of the time because, you know, physical pain is a little less common in. Well, chronic pain is actually higher than ever. But that's a whole other thing because most chronic pain is actually learned pain and psychologically sourced. But that's a topic for a different show. You could just check out other episodes if you're curious about that. Just type in the word pain as a search@shrinkforthshyguy.com. in any case, I want to protect myself from the bad because the bad equals pain. Right? Again, none of this is shocking when you hear it, but what's fascinating is it's all happening beneath the surface. So here's the chain. Fear. Just imagine a circle, right? And you kind of go around the circle, and each point along the circle, there's another word you got. Fear is at the one side, and then you circle around and you get partway down the circle. And now you're at do, do something. And then you go from do to prevent bad. And then you go from prevent bad to. Well, bad equals pain. And then what comes next? Well, it goes full circle. What do I fear? I fear pain. Oh, my gosh. Pain. That's scary. I gotta do something. Okay? Let me do something so I can prevent the bad and control my life. Okay? Prevent the bad. Mental chessboard going or actually running around the life trying to control things. Make sure I get what I want. Don't get the bad, get the good. Get the baby. Oh, God, that's bad. Is that Bad. I don't know if it was bad. Was it good or bad? Well, I'll find out in six months, but for now it's bad. And then. Okay, let me protect myself. Protect myself. Oh, my God. I'm experiencing pain. I could experience. Oh, this is so painful. I'm so scared of this pain. And the pain could be happening, or it could just be. It could happen. That's enough. We can fear what could happen. In fact, that's what a lot of worry is, right? It's about. There could be bad. Something bad could happen. Or if you're a super worrier, something bad is gonna happen. And you know the trippy part about that? The answer is yes. Yes, it is. And then the super worry doesn't, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What bad thing? And that's the. That's where it gets funny. Ha, ha ha. Funny when you get the joke, not funny when you're not getting the joke. This is terrible. Then suffering, just misery. But then it becomes funny when you start to see it in a different light. Just what we crazy primate human creatures are running around here doing on this planet. But I am. I'm worried. I'm so afraid. I have all this worry and anxiety going on because something bad's gonna happen. And you're spooking yourself with all these bad things, much of which aren't going to happen, but it's like an itch that you scratch but you just can't satisfy because you know on some level that bad things are going to happen. And I'm putting bad in air quotes here because bad is just stuff you don't like. Bad is just potentially things that are painful and painful things in life are going to happen. This is Buddhism 101, right? Impermanence. Everything that I know and love will change. I cannot escape separation. I am of the nature to grow old. I cannot escape aging. I am of the nature to get sick. I cannot escape sickness. I am of the nature to die. I cannot escape death. This is core Buddhist remembrances, principles of impermanence, of becoming more aware of the impermanence. And so given that, you know, I don't want this good time to end in my life. Well, it will. It'll change to something else. I don't want to get sick. Yeah, you. You will. You will. Now, does that mean when you're neurotically worrying that you, you know, I got a tumor because I had a headache yesterday. Oh, my God, I'm gonna die, that I'm not that's not true. I mean, I don't know, maybe get checked out if you want. There's no medical advice here, but, you know, probably unlikely worrying your face off. But you will get sick at some point, and it could be mild, it could be a cold, it could be Covid, whatever. You get over it. But then at some point you'll get sick and it's going to be a more severe thing. And then maybe you'll get over that. Maybe it's cancer. And you have this big battle in the saga and you win. Yeah. And then your life goes on. But it's gonna be really painful to get through that if that happens to you. And then you conquer that. You're victorious. You get to live for another 15 years. And maybe your. Your perspective is radically changed and you're more grateful to be alive because you're like, wow, this is a true gift to be here. And that's all amazing. And then, guess what? At some point in your life, you'll get an illness you don't recover from and you will die. So the bad is there. Now the question is, is it bad? Is it wrong? Or is that just our resistance? And this is where you start to break out of the cycle. As you observe the cycle and begin to soften. In fact, let's use that right now as our action step.

Time for action. Action.

Action for your action step. What if I were to tell you that the problem is not that you don't control everything and you should do more to control more things? And what's wrong with you, you lazy. You got to control more, do more. And what if the problem is not that, you know, you feel fear about pain? Like, yeah, you're human, man. What if the problem is that you are stuck in this cycle and you don't know where you are in the cycle and you're just focused on avoiding the next part. So you're stuck in the urge of doing, and you're trying to avoid the bad. You're experiencing something quote bad, and you're trying to avoid the pain. Right. Or you're feeling fear of the pain. You're trying to stop feeling fear, whatever it is, if you're just trapped in the cycle. That's why I wanted to give you this visual. Imagine a simple circle with just these words written around it. And just notice where you are in the cycle. So today, that's what your invitation is for. Your action step is if you're worrying or if you're anxious, just notice. Where am I in that cycle? I'm feeling this urge to do something right now. I got this. And that can show up in a variety of ways, right? Like time urgency. I gotta get to the next thing. Oh, my God. I have too much to do today. I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed. People live in that state like that's their whole life. Maybe they get a brief break if they go on a vacation, you know, takes a couple days to unwind. And by day four, they're like, okay, yeah. And then, you know, now it's time to start getting ready to go back home. Got to get worried about what's going to happen when I get back. Right. So you can live in your. That state of overwhelm. And that's just the urge to do. Why am I. Why do I need to do so much to prevent the bad? Right. So just name where you are in the cycle and then see if you can soften the need to control, to protect from the, quote, bad and from pain. And know that, yeah, some things are going to happen in life that I don't like. Not all the spooky things my mind says, but some. Some of them. And here's the thing. I don't know which ones. I really don't. And then that allows you to be more present, be here. And if there's action to take, you can take it. But action not coming from a place of doing to, like, frantically get away from the bad. I'm just doing because it's the next thing. Doing because it makes sense, because you're inspired, because you're excited to create something. Doing because that's just what the human animal does, does a lot of things. It doesn't have to be coming from this place of terror and control. All right, hope this serves you. Thanks for being with me today and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

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